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They can't handle me

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 10, 2009 10:56 AM

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Good morning.

Some of you questioned my math on the 10,000th comment yesterday. I’ll explain. On any given day, we get comments for old letters -- not sure why people find the oldies weeks later, but they do. Also, on any given day, we delete a few comments because of bad words we didn’t catch the first time around. The math isn’t great, but at some point yesterday, my counter said 10,000. Old comments, additions, subtractions. That’s how it goes.

Yesterday’s letter was a good one. I liked it when people pointed out that third base might count as sex. Maybe it does. That’s a debate for another day.

For now, we’ve got a letter about seriousness, sex, and being a “player.” It’s sort of a mess of a letter, but you can tell her what’s what.

Q: Hi all,

I'm 29 years old, highly educated, with a great job. Happily single at this point, I might add. I am looking for somebody steady for a long-term relationship. However, it seems that every guy I meet does not want anything serious. I'm tired of hearing that. It was brought to my attention that I might be the one not wanting anything serious (subconsciously), and as a result, I project that feeling to guys. But that is not true.

When I meet guys, I can't be myself because they find me very intimidating and shut down. The confident guys who can handle me are usually players/cocky. Also, I should add I don't have a problem sleeping with guys sooner than would be "appropriate" (as social standards have it).

This brings me to my questions: 1. Do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to meet someone decent? 2. My sex life is very important to me, so I would like to evaluate my merchandise before I buy. What is wrong with that?

Feel free to express yourselves,
Amy, NY

Q: You gotta love the New Yorkers, right?

Amy, you’re sending me a whole lot of mixed messages here. You love being single. You want a relationship. That’s all fine. But I don’t believe that you can’t be yourself around nice guys without repelling them. It’s one thing to be confident and extroverted; it’s another to be a bulldozer who doesn’t listen. These “players” put on quite a front -- it’s a game to them. The fact that you’re drawn to them makes me wonder if it’s a game to you, too.

You can be secure and independent -- you can be yourself -- but you also have to work to get to know someone. If you’re not asking questions and really paying attention, the nice guys will bail -- not because they think you’re scary, but because to them, you’ll seem like the “player.” Does that make sense? You use the phrase “handle me.” That's a red flag. Who wants to have to “handle” someone they’re trying to date?

As for the sex, yes, there’s still a ridiculous double standard when it comes to gender and sex. That said, if you’re really looking for something long-term, you may want to wait until you really know someone before you “evaluate the merchandise.” There’s nothing wrong with evaluating -- I’m all for evaluation. But based on what you’re looking for and the problems you’ve had, you should take the time to connect emotionally. That seems to be what’s missing.

Readers? Can you wade through Amy’s list of concerns? Is she a bulldozer? Share here. Submit a letter to the right. Relive the glory of the 10,000th comment here. Twitter here.

- Meredith

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165 comments so far...
  1. The problem lies in how Amy sees men (and I'm not saying that men don't do that to women at all). I find her phrase "evaluating the merchandise" very enlightening - it seems to me that to her, men are nothing but merchandise which will be another "thing" to add to her life, like a car or plasma TV. Yesterday, someone wrote about taking a car for a test drive as an euphemism for sex. Sure, sexual compatibility is important, but these phrases are a clear indicator that some people don't see other people as human beings first, but as objects they need to fulfill their love life. And in that attitude lies the problem. Change the approach and attitude to relationships and people, and it's quite possible that many of the problems will go away.

    Posted by The Dude July 10, 09 11:16 AM
  1. I don't think you can be in long-term-relationship-search-mode. I think it kind of just happens. You have to be yourself if you want a real long term relationship because you will eventually revert to yourself after being comfortable with someone. Also, I don't think us guys mind when you are "testing out the merchandise" so there is nothing wrong with that, just wait for at least a few dates before you go for a test ride. Too soon will make you seem like you are a player. Get to know someone more emotionally and then physically later.

    Posted by dt July 10, 09 11:17 AM
  1. Amy: Asks questions: 1. Do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to meet someone decent? Absolutely not. Never compromise yourself for anyone.


    2. My sex life is very important to me, so I would like to evaluate my merchandise before I buy. What is wrong with that? People are not merchandise. If you do not like feeling like a "piece of meat" for sale try not to treat others in this way. You are attracting people that are similiar to your needs, which might needto be reevaluated if you want one thing and are acting another way


    attra


    Posted by Mark Harris July 10, 09 11:20 AM
  1. I agree that you cannot be searching for a long term relationship, it will happen on its own. If you are searching, then you will evaluate every guy within 10 seconds and make premature judgements. Just be yourself and it will come on its own.

    When it comes to the sex issue, I will tell you from personnal experience that all of my longest and most loving relationships began with one-night-stands. I know it sounds crazy, but this is what I mean about not searching. I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time, had some fun, and when the guys called me back a few days later...well the rest is history. We just connected and so I am living proof that sex can happen before the relationship.

    Have fun, and relax for now. As for being intimidating, I understand that also....I feel like I may have written this letter in a past life. Someone WILL understand your personality and when that happens, it will be perfection.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! July 10, 09 11:27 AM
  1. I think your problem is your attitude. You come off as self-absorbed and arrogant. Do you start conversations by telling people you love being single and are highly educated with a great job? I'm looking around the room for an exit and I was only reading your letter. I think you also have to look at where you're meeting people. It's difficult to make a real connection in a nightclub environment. When are you evaluating the merchandise - the first meeting? That's usually not the way to start a long-term relationship, but your mileage may vary. Do you really think every non-player that you meet is intimidated by you or are they turned off by your obnoxious attitude?

    Posted by JPeterman July 10, 09 11:31 AM
  1. It almost sounds as if you yourself are the player. Is a serious relationship really what you want? That might be something you need to think about and be certain of. If you come across as a player perhaps that is why it is scaring away all the "good" guys. There is a fine line between confident and cocky and you have to be sure not to cross that yourself.
    I think the whole sleeping with someone too soon rule is anitquated - I myself do not live by it and have had many serious long-term, meaningful, relationships w/ the guys.
    So do some soul searching figure out what you want and it sounds like you are not shy about going after it, so good luck

    Posted by JW July 10, 09 11:36 AM
  1. I applaud you for writing in for advice. It could take 500 comments to cover all your issues. Please fasten your seatbelt and don your Kevlar vest. You are going to get pounded with words as opposed to what you usually get pounded with.

    For the sake of full disclosure, I didn’t even get past the third sentence in your letter. I didn’t need to. Why do letter writers feel the need to sell themselves as fantastic as a preface for writing in for advice?!? Kudos to you for this gem: “Happily single and seeking a steady long-term relationship”. Brilliant.

    In terms of advice: I agree with your belief that you can’t be yourself around guys. I would encourage you to “pretend” to be someone with an IQ and some semblance of humility and see how that works. Maybe that will cause someone to want to attempt to get to know you beyond a casual short-term interest in using you as a human pin cushion.

    That’s all the time we have for today.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss July 10, 09 11:43 AM
  1. I do think that sleeping with someone quickly (I am thinking first or second date quick) sends a clear signal and may lead to a respect deficit. Not saying it is right, but that is how it is. Get to know the guys first; certainly sex can wait until you have determined if he is a player or not. If you can't wait that long, I would advise you to just enjoy being single and stop trying to force yourself to be in finding the one mode. You have time for settling down.

    A few things from this letter strike me as red flags. The line about guys being intimidated by you makes it sound like you are a tad overbearing and may need to take a course in the art of humility. Honestly, most women I meet who utter such proclamations end up being insecure, self-esteem challenged brats - definitely not the type one chooses when it comes time to settle down and invest in a relationship. If you are reveling in being more than most guys can handle, does that point to some deeper issue in your interactions with men? As it stands, you sound like classic player fodder; all players love a good challenge. They like moving on to the next one even more.

    Posted by fairlee76 July 10, 09 11:49 AM
  1. a new yorker... need i say more?

    you sound pretty full of yourself... maybe thats a turnoff to "the decent guys"

    Posted by yankees suck July 10, 09 11:49 AM
  1. Dating can take two forms in my mind - (1) for fun - where you are trying to just go out and/or hook up physically with people, or (2) find a long term partner based on criteria that you have determined through self reflection. Neither should have a stigma and are ok as long as that is what you truly want.

    I suspect - however - a big part of your problem is that you are trying to do both on your dates instead of one or the other. In addition, when you are trying to take the #2 path, I don't have confidence you are looking at dating as a process. When taking the #2 path, it takes a lot of dates and time (often) to find the right person. Every date is successful when following this path, in a sense - you are either finding out the person isn't right for you, or finding someone with potential and building from there.

    I would try and focus on what you are really trying to accomplish with your dates, and if you are taking the #2 path I sugggested above - you need to project yourself honestly or you will never be successful.

    Posted by spaceman July 10, 09 11:50 AM
  1. I have very little doubt, unfortunately, that this person was abused in some way as a child. Please seek professional help immediately.

    Posted by worried July 10, 09 11:52 AM
  1. I think this poster is really Arian from the reality show Tough Love.

    Posted by SoxSupporter July 10, 09 11:57 AM
  1. I like how she gave us permission to "feel free to express ourselves". Nice. Thanks.

    Posted by what a gem July 10, 09 11:57 AM
  1. Date older men! They can "handle" you, are not afraid of "long-term" and are better at/not afraid of sex!

    Posted by WorkedForMe July 10, 09 11:58 AM
  1. Wow, is it just me or does the original poster give off a bit of arrogance?

    Drop the attitude.

    Posted by barco July 10, 09 11:59 AM
  1. "I have very little doubt, unfortunately, that this person was abused in some way as a child. Please seek professional help immediately."

    Kind of jumping to conclusions, aren't you? It's perfectly healthy to have people who have a healthy appetite, male or female without them having trauma as a child and many people can't commit.

    Posted by dt July 10, 09 12:01 PM
  1. As a fellow girl...your letter makes me wonder what these guys have to handle. Like Meredith says, no one wants to have to handle someone they're dating.

    What behavior do you display that makes guys shut down? Are you loud and obnoxious? Do you take outspoken to a new level? Are you abrasive, and do you mistake that for being confident or unique? You say you're highly educated and have a great job—are you constantly pointing that out to guys you meet?

    In the same way girls don't like cocky, arrogant guys, guys dislike cocky, arrogant girls. Cocky and arrogant are different from confident. If you can identify what makes guys stop talking to you, try thinking about that behavior and consider why it makes them shut down. What you think is funny or attractive might just be really annoying.

    Posted by Kate July 10, 09 12:05 PM
  1. Oh snap! Ok-well-welcome to dating .It has nothing to do with those who can't 'handle' you. It is the way of the dating world my friend. Ask around.
    And why would you pretend to be someone you are not?
    Just chillax (as my nephew says) and let it happen.

    P.S. I always bring up Steven Carter and his books...check them out. There is a bit on commitment phobic types dating each other...

    Posted by pb July 10, 09 12:05 PM
  1. Kudos to Hoss. i have nothing for the NYer except for the fact that I pity the guy she ends up with, if she does end up with someone.

    Posted by RIcolover July 10, 09 12:10 PM
  1. Here's the short answer, you're a high maintaince bitch. No man wants to be run into the ground by some bossy women. Sure, you're probably very attractive, intelligent, and indepedent. But what self respecting man wants to be run in circles by his wife? You seem to demand a lot, you sleep around. I doubt you can be trusted.

    In other words, it's you, not the male gender. Maybe you should stop acting like a slut from Sex and the City. When your looks fade, and they will, you will just be an angry bitter wrinkled fat women, maybe then you will get your head out of your ass.

    Posted by YourABitch July 10, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Amie what you wanna do?
    I think I could stay with you
    For an hour, not much longer if I do


    Take the A train uptown and there you will find Alex Rodriguez at the hot corner. Now there’s the guy for you. Here’s your deal…and it’s a Seinfeld episode…George -”I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand? Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand - no hand at all.” Amy, you’re a delightful control freak and must have “hand” at all cost. The cocky guys want a subservient waif to rescue on their white donkeys. The nice guys are no challenge to you because very quickly there’s no drama and therefore no angst to elicit your passion. The bad boys are afraid you might eat them (guyacide), so they want to play a little hit and run. You can’t blame them for saving their own foreskin. Again, they want to be on top (it's on page 42 of the playbook for the practice squad). My prediction is that eventually, when you’ve chased all the boys away and you definitively “have hand”…“you’re gonna need it!”


    Posted by valentino July 10, 09 12:11 PM
  1. Hoss' comment was awesome. Simply, I have to agree. If respect is what you are looking for, you will need to find it from within before looking elsewhere. Additionally, you attract those people who are much like yourself - how could you want someone for a LTR when you're more interested in a 'quick fix'? Allow me to go one step further - get a vibrator and you will know what it means to be truly happy (you'll never be disappointed) and save the sex for much later - like after the first or second MONTH after dating.

    Good luck with your future endeavors and God Bless America.

    Posted by Anonymous July 10, 09 12:12 PM
  1. I sincerely wonder if the image that you are projecting is inconsistent with who you really are and what you really want. It might help if you got some observations from male friends about what you project and what might be a sticking point. I am not saying that you need to act like someone you are not. I am suggesting that some of what you are putting out is actually inconsistent with who you really are.

    You aren't the only one who wouldn't marry someone they weren't compatible with between the sheets. There is nothing wrong, however, with figuring out if you actually like someone before you go there. It saves stress later!

    Posted by merilisa July 10, 09 12:14 PM
  1. Good lord. The advice is all over the map, and with good reasons. There are more mixed signals in this letter than on 95-N during that tanker truck accident earlier this week.

    My thoughts (in random order)
    1. When you have sex with guys doesn't matter. If a guy thinks that you go to bed to soon, or too late, you've found a serious incompatability. It doesn't matter who looks down on whom, you're just not alike in what many people agree to be an important area, timing.

    2. Don't be fake. First of all, any experienced nice guy can smell fake from 3 barstools down. Whether you're trying to be nicer or more relaxed, or whatever, don't. Either you repulse them or they get a rude awakening later on. Whether you choose people more suited to your vibe or slowly change your way with people is up to you.

    3. Players and nice guys are pretty much completely incompatible. You either have to want one or the other. Decide which you'd rather have around and change your approach/goals accordingly.

    Posted by Jake Karnak July 10, 09 12:15 PM
  1. I sincerely wonder if the image that you are projecting is inconsistent with who you really are and what you really want. It might help if you got some observations from male friends about what you project and what might be a sticking point. I am not saying that you need to act like someone you are not. I am suggesting that some of what you are putting out is actually inconsistent with who you really are.

    You aren't the only one who wouldn't marry someone they weren't compatible with between the sheets. There is nothing wrong, however, with figuring out if you actually like someone before you go there. It saves stress later!

    Posted by merilisa July 10, 09 12:15 PM
  1. Lot's of interesting things beneath the surface here, but I think my favorite is this one:

    "My sex life is very important to me"

    I would take this to mean something akin to you like to get your rocks off. That's fine, but you can't have it both ways. If you want to use sex to get off, ok, but then you can't always expect sex to turn into love-making, or a way to connect with another person on a deeper level.

    To your own point, you have already "tried the merchandise" or whatever, and made up your mind about the quality of aforementioned sex and more importantly the person on the other end having it with you.

    My advice would be to reevaluate just how important your sex life is vs. finding someone. By the way you sound increadibly self-absorbed and unappealing, so yes, certainly do focus on making your personality more likeable.

    Posted by bcassavell@yahoo.com July 10, 09 12:17 PM
  1. You can't play a playa Amy, and you are definitely a playa.

    There's nothing wrong with trying out the merchandise, but the men who are looking for a serious committed relationship would not to be part of your trial run group.

    Get serious about yourself and your goals and then look for men who want the same.

    Posted by Sabs July 10, 09 12:18 PM
  1. "I can't be handled, me so fiiiiine, it's your problem, world!!"

    Good luck with that.

    Posted by Phil July 10, 09 12:19 PM
  1. Happily single yet looking for a long term relationship?

    Any "decent guy" will not want to "test the merchandise" because he'll be more concerned about the person.
    You're snagging the "players" because you are a player yourself. You are more interested in the sex being good before you evaluate them for "long-term-relationship-potential." THAT's what players do....they want to know that the sex is good and comes often before they consider sticking around for a while.
    If you're happily single as you said you are; then enjoy playing with the players.
    If you're looking for a long-term-relations, as you also say you are, then you need to realize that as important as sex is to you, it's less important than the PERSON.
    I say- go to the toy store and greet the next potential guy you meet without mentioning sex in the first 3 dates at least.

    Posted by Not a NYer July 10, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Amy, you mention that others seem to think it is you who is sending out the not-interested-in-a-relationship vibe. I think that might be true (if you absolutely, 100% believed it to be untrue, why would you even bring it up?) I'm sure you are a great girl who is highly-educated, however I know lots of girls/guys who are this way and never do they come off as "intimidating". I have to say, I doubt people are actually intimidated by you (people are rarely intimidated by people they have just met; how often does someone intimidate you?) and that maybe the problem is that you're coming off as thinking you're better than others. I doubt you do it on purpose; sometimes people try to show that they are well-rounded person yet instead they come off as condescending; please just watch to see that is not the case (I know I do not know enough about you or your situation to say that's true).

    And for the sex matter; you can't control the way others feel about it or how they feel about a woman who has sex too soon. If a man has sex with you too soon, does it change your perception of him? Just keep that in mind; you've got loads of time to meet someone!

    Posted by Taylor July 10, 09 12:21 PM
  1. I love Hoss!

    Posted by Posey July 10, 09 12:22 PM
  1. There is a subtle difference - a line - between self assurance/confidence and thinking you're "all that".

    Sounds like you cross it a lot. Agreed with the above. Try some humility. Learning humility is not "changing yourself", it's learning to get along with others which is something you should've learnt a long time ago. A little humility might suit you, and will almost definitely suit your dates.

    Compound that with the incredible mixed signals you yourself send, I'm not surprised that dates are deserting you like rats from a sinking sip.

    Good luck, you've got a lot of work to do.

    Ceej

    Posted by Ceej July 10, 09 12:22 PM
  1. can i get your number?

    Posted by snicket July 10, 09 12:23 PM
  1. You didn't make a mention if you consider yourself attractive. I'm wondering if "beer goggles" involved in the early evaluation of the merchandise. In other words, are guys leaving the bar with Beyonce and waking up with Tracy Morgan in drag?

    Posted by JPeterman July 10, 09 12:24 PM
  1. As a former serial dater, I used to love to hear single women say "men just can't handle me". This is code for I am a bitch, probably a little bit crazy and a great lay. Immediately this would put you in my "Mrs. Right-Now" stack. Who knows, maybe after a few days of purient bebauchery something more could form between us. I doubt it, but we would sure have a hell of time trying to figure that out.

    You are a gamer, you have game and I can handle you.

    Posted by Darwin July 10, 09 12:24 PM
  1. Friggin huge ego
    But lacking in confidence
    I'd be "worried" too.

    Posted by Haiku Bob July 10, 09 12:27 PM
  1. Hoss,

    I usually enjoy and agree with your comments, but I think you've been a little grumpy lately.

    That said, I think he's mostly right. Amy, if when you act "as yourself" you seem to repel guys, than perhaps you need to take a closer look at yourself. I agree that you should never have to compromise yourself, BUT, maybe your true "self" is obnoxious and arrongant. Addressing that isn't compromising yourself - it's self improvement. There's obviously something about your behavior that is driving men away from you. Maybe you're behaving that way on purpose.

    Someone else suggested counseling for you; that might be something to consider.

    Good luck.

    Hoss - have a good weekend. Get some sun. Hit the beach. Have a beer and a hot dog (or tofu dog if you're a vegetarian like me). See ya on Monday.

    Posted by veggiesaregreat July 10, 09 12:28 PM
  1. Ah, Amy, I used to have your problem. You should always be yourself. I didn't pick this up from your letter, but one my problems used to be that I looked down on men who couldn't "handle" me, either. I don't know what happened but I started being more compassionate towards men. I didn't feel like I was changing myself, a more compassionate me was just a better version of me. I stopped saying "men can't handle me," and started saying "we just didn't spark." Soon after that, a great man came into my life.

    Meredith is totally right about waiting to have sex. You are, as a modern woman, entitled to have sex whenever you want it. But know that it will attract the un-serious guys. Or create them, even. That's just the way it is. I know, it sucks, but better to accept things as the way they are, and work with them, rather than expect things to change. Don't think of it as changing who you are or sacrificing yourself. It really isn't. You're still a person who has a lot of sexual energy and enjoys it, but that doesn't mean you need to go to bed with someone right away. Maybe get a FWB to keep you satisfied while you wait for someone special.

    Wait to have sex and the guys who stick around will be the guys who can truly handle you and who will be interested in the long term.

    Posted by sometimes July 10, 09 12:33 PM
  1. I have a few comments-
    1.) Keep your clothes on- guys will not date a whore who sleeps with them too soon.
    2.) Maybe guys don't want to date you because your personality really sucks.
    3.) I think most men want to feel like they are the men in the relationship, so perhaps the fact that you are acting like the dom turns them off.
    4.) Maybe you're the one who's bad in bed.

    Posted by Keep your clothes on July 10, 09 12:35 PM
  1. Lord, every day valentino comes up with even better posts. #21 - val invented a new word, "guyacide." And he mentioned the "George wants hand" thing from Seinfeld! I can only imagine how much more sexily-intense val must be in real life. He gets to the heart of the matter in the heart of his sardonic wit, every day.

    Now the O/P - I don't have a problem with sex, either. In fact, I'm still thinking about bagpiping and pearl necklaces. But it sounds like you are using your men the way some men use women (I had to Google "player," being an older broad). I don't think you have nefarious intentions. You are not ready for an LTR, and you certainly aren't ready for friendships within your own sex - if I met you and you gave me such attitude about your wonders, I'd go running. I don't think New York has anything to do with it, BTW. And nothing is wrong with you - you think you'd like to settle down, but you are still very immature. That's all, and it's not "right" or "wrong." Just lay of the Miss Wonderful drug, will you? It's unbecoming, especially from someone claiming to be "highly educated." You may have an education, but clearly you never received one in gentility.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 10, 09 12:36 PM
  1. Kind of arrogant - one step behind referring to herself in the third person.

    Posted by Joe July 10, 09 12:36 PM
  1. Hoss,

    I usually enjoy and agree with your comments, but I think you've been a little grumpy lately.

    That said, I think he's mostly right. Amy, if when you act "as yourself" you seem to repel guys, than perhaps you need to take a closer look at yourself. I agree that you should never have to compromise yourself, BUT, maybe your true "self" is obnoxious and arrongant. Addressing that isn't compromising yourself - it's self improvement. There's obviously something about your behavior that is driving men away from you. Maybe you're behaving that way on purpose.

    Someone else suggested counseling for you; that might be something to consider.

    Good luck.

    Hoss - have a good weekend. Get some sun. Hit the beach. Have a beer and a hot dog (or tofu dog if you're a vegetarian like me). See ya on Monday.

    Posted by veggiesaregreat July 10, 09 12:38 PM
  1. First be true to yourself. 29 is a good age to be figuring this stuff out. I had these same questions a little earlier and answering them gave me focus. What we all want is security and when we have seen the latest version of our plan for the future walk out the door the feeling, the need grows more and more. I suggest you stop looking. It's not a competition. There is no recipe. Be yourself. Join some career oriented groups in your field and mingle. If you have hobbies or enjoy outdoor activities go on group outings. My experience is that finding other focused like-minded people to hang out with will get you into a more stable pool of "merchandise". If you are high strung or overly demanding, maybe you need someone who is the opposite.

    Posted by Glambake July 10, 09 12:38 PM
  1. your attracted to dbags. stop dating slimey guidos with popped collars and fohawks. whut

    Posted by bobz July 10, 09 12:40 PM
  1. must be a new york thing but what is the difference between educated and highly educated....was your formal education that much better than everyone elses? where they teaching you something no one else gets? or do you hold multiple doctorates and you graduated highschool at 10 undergrad at 12 your masters at 16 and so on and so forth or is that you are just a new yourker? maybe this is part of your problem....hmmmmmmmmnnnnnn me I pac my carr in havid yahd teddy please pass the grey poupon!!

    Posted by jcour382 July 10, 09 12:41 PM
  1. As a native New Yorker myself, I must say that you all stop interjecting sports related bias to anything and everything.

    That said, yes she does sound all over the place and confused. Probably a high maintenance and stereotypical woman who doesn’t realize she is living the double standard.

    If that is not the case, then I can relate as I have been dubbed “intimidating to men” several times in the past. The reason why I intimidate them is because I am an outspoken, honest woman who is not high maintenance, does not get offended, does not speak PC, and am confident in my own individuality and independence. This seems to put some men off because I don’t fit the mold they are used to, expect, and/or have been taught to look for. I am not needy, a nag, nor am I overly emotional. But in my experience the guys who I intimidated were not what I was looking for in a man anyway.

    So basically Amy’s real question is that she does not know what kind of man she wants or that would best be a match for her. The players like you because you are a player. You can either find one and hope he chooses you for “forever” and stops playing the field (good luck with that). Or you can really put some thought into what you want in a man.

    I always knew I wanted the strong, rugged, no BS type of guy who would help my father chop wood and also appreciate my secret romantic side. Sense of humor was a must of course because I love to make people laugh. He also had to be the type of guy who would step up to the plate to defend me and his beliefs when the situation called for it. No wusses, no laziness, and no games.

    And guess what Amy, he found me! He reminds me all the time how refreshing it is that I am who I am and that we work so well together.

    It is possible people!

    Posted by indiglodoe July 10, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Men don't want a slut for a girlfriend. Stop acting like one and you might find a man. Also you clearly like the jerks, over the nice guys. So since you prefer to be treated as worthless and treat yourself as worthless you should just accept your fate and become a hooker or stripper already.

    Posted by Can't stand this broad July 10, 09 12:42 PM
  1. Amy, might I suggest a craigslist ad to fulfill your obvious Domme fantasies?

    You know you want to...

    Posted by Don Juan Lynn July 10, 09 12:42 PM
  1. Read your letter imagining it comes from someone else and I think you'll find your problem. It looks at you in the mirror every morning. Once you decide to change and be more picky about who you date and know what you are looking for, you might have more success. In addition, long term relationships have a lot of compromise involved. The attitude you project is "my way or the highway". No one wants to put up with that crap, well, at least not beyond one evening of hot sex.

    Your vagina won't stop working if you wait a few dates to give it up. Heck, it might even feel different if you build up a little anticipation.

    Posted by X July 10, 09 12:46 PM
  1. I think you seriously need to evaluate your behavior on dates. It's one thing to be open to the possibility of sex right away and another to act like Randy Rachel. Your letter made me think of the women you often used to see on that 'Blind Date' show - you know, the ones with their cleavage hanging out who, 5 seconds after the date began, were on their backs on a bar doing body-shots? See, I don't think most guys have any real problem with girls who are willing to put out on the first date. But if you're really sexually aggressive and showcase your cavalier attitude towards sex (and btw, the whole 'testing the merchandise' thing is so incredibly tacky and makes you sound like a dirtbag), they may get the impression that you're just not the type to take home to mother. But guys just don't want the town bicycle for anything more than a ride. Is that a double-standard? I don't think so. I don't think women want slutty men any more than men want slutty women.

    The easiest way for you to weed out commitment-phobic men is to, you guessed it, not sleep with them right away! Here's a novel idea - try to get to know someone's values and goals before you get to know his, er, other qualities. I understand that sexual compatibility is important to you, but do you really need to make it your number one priority?

    As far as the bit about your being intimidating - it's really hard to comment on that without knowing what you mean. Do you mean that you're super loud and boisterous? Unusually opinionated? Bossy? Stubborn? Condescending or rude? Have an off-color sense of humor? Curse like a sailor? Act like a dog in heat?

    What is it about you that you believe intimidates men?

    Posted by Rae July 10, 09 12:50 PM
  1. You actually remind me a lot of myself when I was in my 20's Now at 37 I look back and am embarassed about the way I behaved and treated other people. I'm thankful that anyone was able to put up with me.

    You need to be honest with yourself, and the sooner you do, the sooner you can start to make real connections with people and be a happy person.

    Posted by lilmonkeybean July 10, 09 12:55 PM
  1. You actually remind me a lot of myself when I was in my 20's Now at 37 I look back and am embarassed about the way I behaved and treated other people. I'm thankful that anyone was able to put up with me.

    You need to be honest with yourself, and the sooner you do, the sooner you can start to make real connections with people and be a happy person.

    Posted by lilmonkeybean July 10, 09 12:55 PM
  1. When I was in my 20s, I had trouble on the dating scene. I would meet someone nice and we’d be getting along fine, until he asked me about my work. I was on the fast-track. I would talk about my career ambitions (yes, I was probably terribly arrogant about it), and shortly after, the guy would disappear back into the woodwork. It was frustrating.

    Then one day I met a guy who wasn’t put off by my career. We started dating. We got married. We had kids. We divorced, for incompatibility reasons. I had my blinders on and, other than the career part, he was just so wrong for me in too many ways to count.

    Looking back I realize the mistake I made was that I spent too much time looking for the guy that would accept me just the way I am, and not enough time asking whether I accepted him for who he was.

    So my advice is to turn this around. Stop searching for the guy who can “handle” you, and instead search for the guy who has X, Y, Z qualities that are important to you in a partner, and shares your same values and vision for a relationship. This will shift your mindset and your approach, and you will find you will be asking lots of questions and controlling the “interview” process, instead of being the one interviewed and feeling like you are damned if you just be yourself, and damned if you play a game. And as an added plus, since people really love talking about themselves, when you seem interested in people, they will in turn be interested in you.

    Of course, for this to work, you need to really know yourself and do some soul-searching . We know sex is important to you, but … what else? There has to be more than that. Ask yourself what you want out of an LTR, what qualities in a partner would make you happy, and what you can bring to the relationship. Get specific as possible: “highly intelligent” doesn’t tell us much, but “open minded, enjoys a lively political debate, and challenging myself to learn something new” tells us something.

    Posted by anecdotal evidence July 10, 09 01:00 PM
  1. Amy states "I should add I don't have a problem sleeping with guys sooner than would be "appropriate" (as social standards have it)."

    What are the standards for waiting for sex today, 3rd date? 5th date? Back in the 1970s, it seemed that everyone in college was having sex by the 2nd date and there were no problems then. My guess is that Amy's meeting men at nightclubs and today's night crawlers are the wrong men to meet for that long term relationship. Go any place other than night clubs. Have friends introduce you to men. Hang out in the produce aisle. Get a gym membership and talk to guys you find attractive.

    You're highly educated with a great job. What's wrong with telling the bloggers that? I don't think you're bragging about it; it's just a fact. When young people meet they typically talk about their educational backgrounds to see what they have in common. They also say "What do you do?" I'd be curious to know what the job is in order to give you more advice on where to meet men with which you may have a lot in common.

    You do say "When I meet guys, I can't be myself because they find me very intimidating and shut down." That is probably the sentence to focus on. If you can't be yourself, who are you? Is it an assumed persona? Do you act like a Hollywood star, Lohan-like? If so, it could be very amusing to the right guy. What is actually intimidating about you? Are you incredibly beautiful, or do you start talking and never let the other person say anything and then you interpret this as intimidating? BTW, I've met and known many brilliant, beautiful women and most were very high maintenance. So what? Don't settle for Mr. Common who has no sense of humor and whose intelligence doesn't match or exceed yours.

    Posted by High_Taxes July 10, 09 01:00 PM
  1. RE: #50 -
    Is "Randy Rachel" the alter ego of Rae?
    I am VERY interested, baby! ;-0

    Posted by Bob July 10, 09 01:03 PM
  1. Meredith nailed this one. "If you're not asking questions and really paying attention, the nice guys will bail -- not because they think you’re scary, but because to them, you’ll seem like a pain in the butt.” OK. OK> She didn't say it exactly that way, but it's a more accurate assessment of the inference nice guys draw.

    Posted by CPThree July 10, 09 01:05 PM
  1. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you aren't as arrogant as you sound, and that you are facing a fair challenge. I say that as a former single gal with a graduate degree. There are men that don't want a woman who is more educated or successful than them. I even took my grad degree off of my online dating profile. I think you need to be more humble and don't mention your education and job until further into the relationship. You should also seek out men that will be impressed, not threatened by your education and success.

    Posted by smarts July 10, 09 01:05 PM
  1. Maybe if you show yourself and the other person a little more respect, you'll get some in return. if you're sleeping with someone without bothering to get to know them, that objectifies the person, and that's what you'll probably get back. sounds like you want a relationship but are not putting in any effort trying to know someone first before you complicate things with sex. no wonder you're single. you have a lot of growing up to do if you think relationships start the way you start them. sounds like you need to go to charm school too. i don't care where you're from, most men don't like to be around women who are as coarse as your letter comes across.

    Posted by Whatever July 10, 09 01:05 PM
  1. Chances are I would get food poisoning if made this broad a grilled cheese sandwich....

    Posted by Can't stand this broad! July 10, 09 01:06 PM
  1. "Do you start conversations by telling people you love being single and are highly educated with a great job? "

    She's not looking for dates here. She's giving background information in a letter to an advice column. What is she supposed to write? "I may or may not be over 30, I could have gone to school, I might be employed." ? You can hate on her as much as you want but isn't that how half these letters start? By the reader telling us about them?

    Posted by sometimes July 10, 09 01:08 PM
  1. #39 - "the dom"? Where in her letter did she say she was into dominance and submission? She may act dominant, as you imply, but she doesn't say so, and that lifestyle I bet is a whole lot different than the one she's been living. Dominants do, indeed, have humility. The L/W is not part of "the scene," as many call it.

    And what's with all the reference to "sluts"? Are we still in the good girl-bad girl mentality? She likes sex. So what? It's how she treats all her gazillions of men with the sex is what matters.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 10, 09 01:14 PM
  1. I didn't really need to read anything beyond "I'm 29" to know what was going on here. She's scared to death to make herself vulnerable to men, afraid of getting hurt but at the same time she sees that big 3-0 ahead and thinks "What will everyone think if I'm not married by 30?" so she pretends to be looking for a serious relationship.

    God help the poor men who have to date 29 years olds with a biological clock and a fear of being hurt. I'm so glad my DH put up with me!

    Bottom line, she doesn't need a quick blurb from Meredith, she needs some long term therapy, to discover what she's so afraid of that she is putting up these walls of being "intimidating" and covering up a fear of emotional intimacy with a willingness to do it on the first date.

    I was her, no doubt about it. I had to learn to face my fears and be willing to make myself emotionally vulnerable, to risk being hurt, to risk being rejected for being honesty and having weaknesses.

    Poor Amy, one of two things will happen, she'll never learn and she'll be a bitter cougar in a few years, or she'll get some serious therapy and regret so much of what she missed while she was busy being intimidating.

    Posted by ml2620 July 10, 09 01:18 PM
  1. You don't need to pretend to be someone you’re not. If you are both decent and confident, there are probably men like that out there too. Not around every corner, of course. After all, experiences that breed confidence (perhaps I should say over-confidence) don't always foster personal diplomacy and empathy. But I believe there are people who do possess both sides.

    And there's nothing wrong with evaluating sexual compatibility. Not considering it would be a mistake.

    That said, Meredith's comment (who wants someone they have to "handle") resonated with me. There's confidant, and there's difficult. I've known a few egotists who, in denial about their own bad behavior, dismiss the difficulty others have with them with "Oh, they just can't handle me."

    Posted by pye July 10, 09 01:18 PM
  1. Look, you can complain about all the men in the world-- but the common denominator among all of them is you. That should tell you where to start looking for the problem.

    I'm exactly in the demographic you'd want to date. I hate to break it to you, but this city is *full* of women who are strong, self-assured, successful, or whatever. My issue is that you all just *won't shut up* about how strong and independent and successful you are. News flash: men are trained to be independent from birth. We don't consider it something to be touted; it's about as surprising as having two arms.

    The only reason you attract players is because you give off vibes that you'll sleep with a man quickly. The non-players can pick up on this too, but I suspect you're so strident and overbearing on so many other issues, we lose interest. The players stick around because they couldn't care less about your other issues; once they sleep with you, they're done anyway.

    My current girlfriend-- the one I want to marry-- is very much a 'here's me with my strengths and my flaws, whatever.' It is *so* refreshing that I can barely believe my luck. You might try re-adjusting your perspective on life a bit more along those lines.

    And by the way, we slept together on the first day we met. Like I said, that's got nothing to do with finding a relationship; everything else about her is what makes her special and makes me keep coming back.

    Posted by Joey July 10, 09 01:18 PM
  1. HAHAHA...thanks for all your comments. I loved them all.

    Obviously, I did expect these type of comments, but let me give you all some background on my dating life: two 4 year long relationships w/ two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again). Both relationships started as simply sex partners so I do believe it's doable to build a relationship like that and most of you agreed on that.
    Now, as far as the comment of "men can't handle me" I was more refering to the fact of men, "expecting" a woman to act quite, proper and nice all the time (which i see a lot of females "act" it quite well). They get surprised (and can't handle) to see a woman (w/ a nice personality i should add) to be goal oriented and a go-getter and knows exactly what she wants from men. There's where the intimidation comes into play and where I feel like I have to pretend to be a "nice-girl". I feel the conflict mainly raises from being one person (the tough one) in the corporate world versus the other person (the sweet) in the real life...
    Guys love my personality, never had a problem with that.
    I would like to hear your feedback....so type away...:):):)

    Amy

    Posted by Amy , NY July 10, 09 01:19 PM
  1. What a slag.

    Posted by Samurai Jacko July 10, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Am I correct in drawing a close connection between "highly educated" and "they find me very intimidating?" Do you find yourself having to pretend that you're *not* highly educated? Maybe you could find sufficiently highly educated men who wouldn't find you intellectually intimidating. Granted, many highly educated men don't exactly exude confidence in social situations, and they might find any strange woman to be inherently intimidating, but that's a bit more ephemeral. Once you're no longer a strange woman, you're no longer so intimidating, and you're able to be yourself throughout the entire process.

    Posted by Mark July 10, 09 01:24 PM
  1. You have said that the non-player guys you meet find you "intimidating". I would recommend that you make some further efforts to find out why that is. If possible, see if you could arrange a "rehearsal" type date with a male friend, act as you would with a man you'd typically meet, and ask him for feedback on what he sees and hears. That could give you some clues as to where things are going wrong.

    I understand what you're getting at with your first question, but I think it somewhat misses the boat. I suspect that the problem is not who you "are", but how you act. If you can change some of the ways you act without changing the core person inside, you may find that you have better results.

    Posted by Terminater5 July 10, 09 01:31 PM
  1. Happily single? Yet looking for a long-term relationship? There's a contradiction! These two things don't add up. Either you don't want to be single and you're trying to put a brave face on the situation, or you actually value your independence more than the sacrifices/compromises required for a long-term relationship. Which is it?

    Secondly, if you're evaluating the merchandise sooner than what is appropriate (2nd date? 1st?), you're not spending enough time building up the emotional rapport needed to foster a long-term relationship. Some people here will call you a slut for that; I won't. But I will tell you you're seriously hurting your chances for finding love if you're more focused on lust. OF COURSE the guys you meet don't want anything serious. Your behavior won't attract someone looking for something substantial. This isn't about "double standards". This is about correcting a poor strategy that is not working.

    You shouldn't pretend to be something you're not. The mask eventually falls off. Instead, be your true self, and you will naturally attract the right person for you. But if your letter does indeed reflect your true personality, that could be part of the problem right there. Your tone seemed arrogant, and while confidence is a turn-on, arrogance is a turn-off. As a single guy in the dating market, I can tell you your attitude would be enough for me to not as for a second date. No guy wants to get involved with a girl who is full of herself, regardless of how hot she is. That screams "high maintenance", and we don't want to waste our time on someone who is going to be a drain on our emotions...and our wallets.


    Posted by Veritas July 10, 09 01:35 PM
  1. Folks, stop feeding the troll.

    This letter writer is as much of an attention seeking fraud as the "she wants kids, I don't...wait, I do want kids....we moved in too soon....no, she didn't...ok fine, I'll get her to sublet my place...we're headed for disaster...no we're not because I love her....I don't like the tone of your advice" rube from earlier this week.

    Posted by Hadie Nuff July 10, 09 01:39 PM
  1. There is a difference between being assertive and aggressive, and confident and cocky. This is cocky: "4 year long relationships w/ two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again)."

    "knows exactly what she wants from men" ... you want sex. We got that. And it sounds like you are getting plenty of that anyway. What you also claim to want is a serious LTR, which you are NOT getting.

    " I feel the conflict mainly raises from being one person (the tough one) in the corporate world versus the other person (the sweet) in the real life".... do you always want to be the tough, dominant one outside the office? Ask yourself that. Maybe it would be nice to let down your guard a bit once in awhile.

    Posted by anecdotal evidence July 10, 09 01:40 PM
  1. Is this chick for real??????????????
    You cant turn a (garden tool) into a house wife!!!!!
    Why buy the cow if the milk is already free?

    Posted by Lilshorty98 July 10, 09 01:41 PM
  1. Nr.46 ... I LOVED your comment...
    I felt like I was the one to write that comment....you nailed it....I have the same qualities, i like to make people laugh and i'm very honest....

    Thanks again for the comment...hopefully the right one will be out there...
    Amy

    Posted by Amy , NY July 10, 09 01:41 PM
  1. here is your problem in a nutshell. You claim to be:

    "highly educated, with a great job; happily single at this point; [men] find me very intimidating; [looking for] guys who can handle me; I don't have a problem sleeping with guys sooner than would be "appropriate”; two great guys who still care about me and want to get back together again; both relationships started as simply sex partners so I do believe it's doable to build a relationship; nice personality and goal oriented and a go-getter and knows exactly what [I] want from men; I feel like I have to pretend to be a "nice-girl; one person (the tough one) in the corporate world versus the other person (the sweet) in the real life...; Guys love my personality, never had a problem with that"

    you need to learn a bit of humility... and maybe stop using the phrase "i might add" so much

    Posted by k July 10, 09 01:42 PM
  1. Nicely put, Terminator. I feel I am a lot like Amy in many ways but that's some good advice.

    Posted by outandabout July 10, 09 01:43 PM
  1. Meredith, can you please get back to more serious relationship issues with the next letter? You know, with LWs that appear to have the capacity to love others and who are in genuine need of advice rather than just crying out for attention? Thanks and have a great weekend.

    Posted by whathapppendtocapegirl? July 10, 09 01:43 PM
  1. Rico loves New York...hates the Yankee's but still loves NYC!!!

    Rico thinks you are right, you are sending mixed signals. You sound like many Women/girls Rico has known over the years so his advice will be easy. Rico thinks your taste in men is an issue, where you meet them, how you meet them etc...Sound about right? Does this sound familiar to you?

    My "fill in the blank" fixed me up with a guy and we went on a date or two. He was a gentleman, and he was very nice and cute but last weekend I was out with my friends at this really cool bar and I met this other guy that was so hot and we started seeing each other so I am just going to let the other guy down.

    Men and women both put on an act during the early stages of dating and it takes some longer than others to actually be themselves. It seems to Rico that Amy has some character issues to deal with. She is not exactly sure she wants that "nice guy" and keeps templting herself with the "players". Rico has friends that are those exact players you talk of so don't think Rico doesn't truly understand. Rico suggests that you wean yourself off the current group of friends or at least the activities they are including you in (bar hopping). Rico thinks a new outlook on dating and a new group of friends with different types of activities such as charity events or maybe some other type of group gatherings/socials. Maybe try going on a singles trip or just take seriously some of the set-ups you are most likely being subjected to.

    On the set ups Rico also suggests you may want to get a recent photo of the person or at least have a chance to meet them in a social setting before actually dating since you sound like a difficult person to please. Rico understands this as Rico is tough to please as well. As for your sexual needs, Rico suggests you take matters into your own hands and explore yourself for now till you find someone worthy...Although a FWB's can be OK if it is just that and doesn't continue while you are dating others because that wouldn't be fair.

    Amy, Rico is here for you, he feels your pain and he understands yoru dilemma. Start rooting for the Red Sox if you haven't already and good things will happen for you.

    As always Rico sends his love and message to enjoy the weekend, it's going to be a real nice one...

    Love and Hugs,

    Rico

    Go Red Sox!!!

    RICO LOVES NYC...Gears not Gas

    Posted by Rico July 10, 09 01:44 PM
  1. Amy, just look at all the guys here you've threatened by just being yourself. Maybe they want someone a tad more demure than you. Keep on trying, you never know who might turn up. There's some guys out there who can handle it.

    Posted by Bony Melon July 10, 09 01:46 PM
  1. why do men always get labeled as players when there's just as many women players out there too? in fact this young lady sounds like one.

    and furthermore what exactly makes someone a "player"? that would be equally interesting to hear.

    and furthermore my advice for this woman is to be herself, because that's the only way she's gonna find the perfect person for her.

    Posted by g30rg3 July 10, 09 01:48 PM
  1. Nr.46 ... I LOVED your comment...
    I felt like I was the one to write that comment....you nailed it....I have the same qualities, i like to make people laugh and i'm very honest....

    Thanks again for the comment...hopefully the right one will be out there...
    Amy

    Posted by Amy , NY July 10, 09 01:48 PM
  1. Paco just read the LW's second post, and that just said it all right there. The bragging...the forced laughter masking her insecurity...Paco does not have to be a psych major to read her like a book.

    Amy, it is clear that you're not interested in the opinions of others...save for trying to make everyone think you're awesome. Paco's advice: STOP OVERCOMPENSATING. Whatever your issues are -- and it's clear that you have some -- look into therapy if you honestly want to find a healthy relationship. You may ignore Paco if you like, but you are only hurting yourself.

    Posted by Paco July 10, 09 01:49 PM
  1. "Two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again)."

    OMG - Get over yourself. All the "additional" information you provided is useless. We get it, you are fabulous and men can't appreciate it. Are you looking for advice, or did you just want to complain about men? Also, to many others' point: you are not the only self-confident, successful woman in Boston, so maybe you should start looking at other areas of your personality that *could* be the problem, don't ya think??

    Posted by lilmonkeybean July 10, 09 01:50 PM
  1. "Two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again)."

    OMG - Get over yourself. All the "additional" information you provided is useless. We get it, you are fabulous and men can't appreciate it. Are you looking for advice, or did you just want to complain about men? Also, to many others' point: you are not the only self-confident, successful woman in Boston, so maybe you should start looking at other areas of your personality that *could* be the problem, don't ya think??

    Posted by lilmonkeybean July 10, 09 01:50 PM
  1. You can't be who you really are with guys because you intimidate them. Pretend to be humble. When you're getting to know a new guy, instead of hitting them over the head with, "I was the top performing salesperson in a Fortune 500 company and earned top bonuses for the past five quarters in a row", try "I'm in Financial Services". You dig? Let him peel back the layers of the onion to find out who you are.
    Of course, sex is important. We all want the Big O and to be spiritually transformed by the most amazing sex we've ever had. But if your experiences with bedding first and asking questions later has not yielded the results you wish for, try a different approach. A successful person is someone who is able to learn from their mistakes/missteps in life, and learn from their own personal history so they are not doomed to repeat the same thing over and over again.
    Be someone you would want to get to know better. Be interested in the other person instead of hitting him over the head with how great you are. Nobody wants to get to know a braggart because it's boring.

    Posted by exvermonter July 10, 09 01:52 PM
  1. Amy from NY - your last name doesn't happen to be Fisher, by any chance?
    "...two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again)."
    As I said before, you have an over-inflated ego - get over yourself.
    The "nice" guys are staying away because you are a crazy person - it has nothing to do with you being aggressive. Believe me, there are plenty of nice guys out there who would love to be controlled by their women.

    Posted by Bob July 10, 09 01:53 PM
  1. I think you are sending out mixed signals and that is attracting the cocky guys and scaring off the intimidated ones. There's nothing wrong with holding back until your gut tells you it's safe to be aggressive in bed and/or waiting for an appropriate time to show how smart and confident you are without coming off as arrogant.

    A little self-analyzing is needed here. Getting to know someone should be like peeling an onion: layer by layer. You don't need to put every thought and mood out there the moment you have them.


    Posted by Amazed July 10, 09 01:55 PM
  1. 1. Do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to meet someone decent?

    If only. What you need to do is much more difficult. You need to change. For a start, you are no kid. So stop thinking of yourself as great simply because you meet your parents’ expections for you (highly educated with a great job). That works fine in 6th grade, but you are an adult. Your problem is not over confidence. Your problem is that you pat yourself on the back for doing everything your parents told you to do. Grow up and take a risk or two. You will be less boring and perhaps find a relationship along the way.

    Meanwhile, here is a tip. Never refer to yourself as “highly educated, with a great job.” I have multiple degrees and earn +300K, like a few hundred thousand other people in this part of the country. I would gag on your words.

    Posted by Greg Bardy July 10, 09 01:57 PM
  1. A confident, strong woman who is straightforward, evaluates sexual performance, and has a great job is intimidating to the vast majority of men, as you can see from threatened male responders on here. Men are ego-driven and worried about inadequacies being revealed and appearing emasculated in front of their peers.

    One can be happily single and want a long-term relationship. I don' t find that to be a mixed message. It's better than thinking a man is needed to "complete" oneself.

    I do wonder how you are defining compatibility, and what places you are going to meet potential partners. Many successful, well-off men in their late 20s and early 30s are not looking for serious--they want to have fun, and why not? Why get tied down? However, if they meet someone who shares a deep interest or passion, they will be highly interested in furthering the connection. What are your interests and passions? Follow those, and the rest will fall into place including meeting a man who is emotionally secure.

    Posted by yupokay July 10, 09 02:01 PM
  1. Oh Lordy.
    Step 1: Find your soul. Talk to an old friend, your mom, etc ask them what they think of your lifestyle. Find out from others if you have a bad reputation around town. Realize they're probably right.

    Step 2: Start treating your body like a temple. To do this, take a break from sex for 90 days. Sex will still be there when your cleanse is over, but this break will allow you to clean out your roster of men.

    Step 3: Realize that your education and career would never scare away the right guy.

    Step 4: Get out of the VIP club scene. Form real friendships with people who only have your geniune best interests at heart.

    Step 5: Focus on other people in the world. Realize the insignificance of your own.

    Posted by trueluv4eva July 10, 09 02:02 PM
  1. I don't have any advice because the letter is a guy (Rico?) getting ya-ya's off over battling with LL commentors. Muckrackers need not apply.

    p.s. LW is almost as annoying as this reindeergirl person.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer July 10, 09 02:02 PM
  1. Amy:

    You can't handle you. Not men. You're a classic case projector... you like to think that men can't handle your personality or your education, and that in turn feeds the way you approach the relationship. As usual with these "I'm too independent of a woman" scenarios, it's all on you and your misguided projection of what you believe men see in you. Or, actually, more to the point, what you WANT them to see in you. You want men to feel overpowered by your 'high education', and would cut off any man who dares not be impressed or, forbid, could actually match wits! You want men to be awe-inspired by your clever, original, strong-willed, whatever... And yet, you pity the ones who are, and fear the ones who are not. (honestly, just take a sec to let that last line sink in a bit...)

    The guy you really want is going to be too strong for your personality. You do want battles, but only the ones you're assured of winning. Once truly challenged, you probably shut it down on your end. You'll most likely fit the classic case of eventually settling on beating down a sap with decent to above-average skills in the bedroom. You'll force issues and create the battles so you can kick him around a little, show off the pants, and then await his feeble, misguided attempt to make it up to you... Happy Hunting!!

    Posted by DJMcG July 10, 09 02:06 PM
  1. What is your phone #? I have Merchandise

    Posted by Lets Evaluate July 10, 09 02:08 PM
  1. 64. " There's where the intimidation comes into play and where I feel like I have to pretend to be a "nice-girl". "

    Please takes Hoss' advice and return your tray to the upright and locked position, fasten your seatbelt and don some kelvar because you are about to get some reality.

    WTF?! Ever think you are over-playing your hand and the nice, smart, highly educated guy you are looking for sees right through this game play? Instead of pretending, manipulating, posing, acting (AKA gaming like a player), why don't you just be yourself and see where the chips fall?

    You see, I've got enough game to get you. I have so much game I might even pretend to be intimidated by you to see if I can get you to act all "nice-girl". Then I know I have you and we are going to rock it later tonight. That's when I have what I need for the night and maybe I can even add you to my rotation...

    "...in every game and con there's always an opponent, and there's always a victim. The trick is to know when you're the latter, so you can become the former."

    Stop playing games

    Posted by Darwin July 10, 09 02:14 PM
  1. It sounds like the problem is you. Even if someone was willing to overlook the fact that you a self absorbed B!@#H, you are clearly very permiscuous. Which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. However, if you think that decent guy is going to want to take you home to meet Mommy, you are mistaken. It doesnlt matter how good looking you are or how much money you make, most guys "really like" the easy girls (like you) who put out early, but they will only truly love someone that they respect. Try gaining their respect before giving it up. You may see a change in the types of guys you are meeting.

    Posted by Kay-Man July 10, 09 02:17 PM
  1. Ooops I meant in New York, or Northeast or whatever. Which brings up the point, why are you writing letters to the Boston.com advice columnist? Go away.

    Posted by lilmonkeybean July 10, 09 02:23 PM
  1. So basically, you lied in your initial post. You claimed that you just couldn't find a man who could appreciate your heavenliness. Yet in your second post, you claim that there are actually two men vying for the opportunity to kiss your winged feet and place their gonads in the palm of your porcelain hand. You seem to have absolutely no purpose in writing other than to whine and thump your chest.

    Posted by Rae July 10, 09 02:26 PM
  1. Get ahold of yourself. Your arrogance and self-importance are tangible through your original letter and update. I suspect - and hope - you will look back on this letter in 10 years and cringe at how awful you sound. But you will only cringe if you get a grip and work on maturing.

    It's quite evident from your writings why men are repelled by you. You're difficult. You're self-centered. You're selfish. A relationship should be easy, mutual and selfless. Looks like you've got a long way to go.

    I know plenty of men who have dated the proverbial "you." When they finally escape, they feel as if they dodged the biggest bullet of their life and are eminently grateful to learn that there are nbright, interesting women out there who want to make a relationship easy, mutual and selfless.

    I wish I had more eloquent advice. I am normally a very sympathetic and understanding person. But all I can say here is...please! Get ahold of yourself!

    Posted by Jetta July 10, 09 02:28 PM
  1. You can't be who you really are with guys because you intimidate them. Pretend to be humble. When you're getting to know a new guy, instead of hitting them over the head with, "I was the top performing salesperson in a Fortune 500 company and earned top bonuses for the past five quarters in a row", try "I'm in Financial Services". You dig? Let him peel back the layers of the onion to find out who you are.
    Of course, sex is important. We all want the Big O and to be spiritually transformed by the most amazing sex we've ever had. But if your experiences with bedding first and asking questions later has not yielded the results you wish for, try a different approach. A successful person is someone who is able to learn from their mistakes/missteps in life, and learn from their own personal history so they are not doomed to repeat the same thing over and over again.
    Be someone you would want to get to know better. Be interested in the other person instead of hitting him over the head with how great you are. Nobody wants to get to know a braggart because it's boring.

    Posted by exvermonter July 10, 09 02:31 PM
  1. I don't even know where to start! First, please stop lying to yourself and all of us. You are absolutely not happy being single. No one who is completely happy with their life the way it is seeks to change it. You want a long-term relationship because you are lonely and insecure being single. You claim to be happy being single so you can keep up this "I'm a tough chick attitude"--- no one here is buying it.

    Secondly, you are describing yourself as intimidating. FYI--- in this context, that word is synonymous with another word... starts with a B ends with an ITCH. People are not intimidated by your great job, your great car, your great life blah blah blah, people are put off by your lousy personality. My guess is you make people think you are better than them, and no one wants to be around someone like that.

    Lastly, nothing is wrong with evaluating merchandise before you buy it, but these are people you're talking about, not things. Start having some respect for yourself, stop sleeping around on first dates and find out who people are before you try and find out what they can do for you. And please, deflate your ego before you float away. Seriously.

    Posted by Kathleen July 10, 09 02:39 PM
  1. I'm guessing you're pretty hot-looking.
    If you act like a player / cocky and are gravitating towards hot guys who are players/ cocky, then that's what you are going to end up with.
    If you want the nice sensitive guy, you have to be a nice sensitive girl. Unfortunately, I don't think that's who you are. You come off to me as aggresive, demanding and probably a little bit beotchy. Take a look at who you are and what you want and try the best you can to reconcile that.
    Good luck.

    DrK

    Posted by Drk July 10, 09 02:39 PM
  1. After reading your follow up, I don't understand the question anymore. Guys love you. Your exs want you back. They love your personality. You are apparently fantastic.

    So you CAN have a relationship, which you claim to want, but you really don't, do you? Or you just don't want the exs? So why can't you find someone new if your personality is not the problem? I understand that whole "independent, strong, no-bullshit woman", I consider myself to be one, but I have found that many guys appreciate that in a woman.

    What is the problem????

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! July 10, 09 02:41 PM
  1. Let me quote your added comment...

    "
    They get surprised (and can't handle) to see a woman (w/ a nice personality i should add) to be goal oriented and a go-getter and knows exactly what she wants from men. There's where the intimidation comes into play and where I feel like I have to pretend to be a "nice-girl".
    "

    There's nothing wrong with being confident but you are coming off as arrogant. The difference is not what you think of yourself, but what you think of others. You sound like you think you are better than others - in particular the men you date. (You might disagree that you think you are better than others. I have no idea what you think. I only know how you appear from your comments/letter).

    Men want to be with someone who makes them feel good and special. (As do women, of course). If your vibe is "I am better than you", you are going to turn many good people off. You can be yourself. You can be a goal-oriented go-getter. None of this mean you can't be "nice", though. Respect the men you date. Listen to what they have to say, and validate their opinions and points of view. (I'm not saying have to agree with everything your date says, just try to see where they are coming from).

    Posted by two sheds July 10, 09 02:41 PM
  1. Re: Your comments in #64. I think you know what you need to adjust/change in order to find a guy that is real relationship material. You just need some ideas how.

    I think that there is a persona that is appropriate in the corporate world and a persona that is appropriate in your personal life. Often, what works well in corporate life is repellent in your personal life. I know that the men I meet who are in high level positions can often come across as narcissistic or unable to give emotionally.

    In your personal life, you need to be able to show that you can be fully present in this moment, and are ready and willing to occassionally let work take a back seat to your personal life. A good relationship is fully mutual. You also need to be able to demonstrate that you are able to listen and to negotiate and have patience.

    I can't tell you specifically what you need to change. But you are on the right track to realize that there is a you in there that is completely separate from your work and your career.

    Posted by older and wiser July 10, 09 02:48 PM
  1. Oh Amy, nobody writes to a relationship columnist if they're happily single. Stop lying. You're about to turn 30. All five of your closest friends are probably married. Maybe two of them have had babies. You feel left behind. The past 3 years have flown by and mid-20s career girl has suddenly become almost-30 desperate girl. Your 'Sex in the City' lifestyle of the past 8 years has left you felling empty and alone. You want to snag an impressive boyfriend to show off to your friends but the only ones good-looking enough are not interested in a relationship, and the ones who do want a relationship look old enough to be your uncle. My advice? Find a Delorean equipped with a flux capacitor and enough plutonium to go back to 2004. No guy wants a cocky, slutty, desperate 30 year old. You blew it.

    Posted by marvcook July 10, 09 02:48 PM
  1. "I can't be myself because they find me very intimidating".

    Please don't confuse intimidating with annoying.

    Posted by bohica July 10, 09 02:52 PM
  1. Amy, you may be "highly educated" and "29 years old", but you still have a lot of growing up to do. While men may love to sleep around if given the opportunity, many would prefer to be in a relationship with someone they love and admire. I doubt they think much of a woman who gives it on a first date. When you're tired of good ole' Amy, maybe you should try being a lady for a change: being more feminine, listening more, and holding out for a guy you find worthy, not just any Darwin or Snicket in a no-name bar. Darwin may think you're fun, but he ain't gonna bring you around to his mama.

    Posted by Not so fast! July 10, 09 02:52 PM
  1. Every woman I've ever met who has claimed to be "intimidating" is really just terribly annoying. Usually, they actually come across as insecure and abrasive, as well as untrustworthy. The same goes for guys, of course - there is a not-so-fine line between being confident and being cocky and unpleasant, as everyone else has pointed out. Trying to make other people feel uncomfortable also is not a sign of self-assuredness.

    I wonder how many girl-friends the poster has? I wouldn't be at all surprised if the answer is very few, but if you do - are they all just like you, too intimidating for nice guys, or do they manage to be both confident and kind, and attract men who are the same? I am a pretty confident woman, but I also don't think I'm better than anyone, especially those people I know or want to know. I listen to people, to my friends and boyfriend and family, and I have healthy relationships because of it.

    Stop being so unnatural and self-righteous in your behavior, and hopefully you'll find that people respond kindly. In bocca al lupo.

    Posted by l'italiana July 10, 09 02:54 PM
  1. Do not waste the pretty.

    Soon your friends will all be married, with kids, living in the burbs. It's not fun to be alone in your studio apartment, with your dating pool shrinking faster than you can imagine.

    Posted by guest July 10, 09 02:55 PM
  1. (Oh, love) Love is just like a baseball game
    Three strikes you’re out (Three strikes you’re out)
    Whether you win or lose
    (Oh, love) Love is just like a baseball game (Is like a baseball game)
    Three strikes you’re out
    Everybody’s got to pay some due

    Posted by Sally July 10, 09 02:58 PM
  1. I completely agree with Jetta. You are clearly very arrogant. While it's doubtful that men are intimidated by you, it is likely that they do "shut down". They shut down and don't want anything serious because they are "just not that into you". Did it ever occur to you that they don't want anything serious with you specifically but would welcome a serious relationship with a less obnoxious person?! They may actually be "decent" guys who simply aren't into YOU. I don't blame them. Women often complain that they are turned off by a man's cockiness and arrogance. The men who you meet are probably turned off by your cockiness and arrogance. I'm a woman and can't imagine hanging out with you as a friend.

    Posted by Jetta has it July 10, 09 02:58 PM
  1. Meredith,

    please stop posting letters written by attention whoring losers, and stick to folks who have real issues.

    This chick is a joke. Amy, I've got some news for ya. Your ego is disgusting and ugly. Guys hate a girl with an over-inflated sense of self worth (really). Give it ten more years when you're still alone, knocked down about 20 more pegs and come back and complain about men, like they're the problem. A real man wouldn't put up with your act for two seconds, and that's why you can't find one. They are not intimidated, they are TURNED OFF. Huge difference.

    Posted by Getoveryourself July 10, 09 02:58 PM
  1. It's a universal truth: water seeks its own level. If you're a quality woman, you'll have a quality man. We all attract what we deserve. If you do not like what you're attracting, you need to change who you are for the better so you get something better.

    Posted by Veritas July 10, 09 03:00 PM
  1. you are probably hot.

    but seem to be a bubble head.

    definately divorce material down the road.

    cosmos and newbury street (or the new york equivalent) will only lead to disaster in your case...
    grow up.

    Posted by sarah July 10, 09 03:02 PM
  1. This girl is a joke. Seeking refuge in the loving arms of another gassed up wingbat from NYC (#46) that she "relates" to, while continuing to promote herself as very likeable person is almost sickening. She posts a question to an online blog desperately seeking advice and then laughs at the critical responses she received as if she couldnt care less. The false bravado is pretty pathetic. You need to re-evaluate your attitude towards yourself and others, find what is really important to you and make the necessary changes that would be sure to follow. Honestly, I wouldn't date you with someone else life. Your attitude reeks.

    PS- Hoss is the boss

    Posted by Teddy from Boston July 10, 09 03:05 PM
  1. Wow this just seems bass ackwards....

    NEVER pretend to be somebody you are not...Why would you do that? You're not being fair to yourself or your prospective partner.
    Have you ever heard....Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?
    Lock up those knees and just chill out. You'll find somebody eventually. Perhaps you're one of those super good looking girls that men find "intimidating”. If this is the case, maybe you're just coming across like a total bitch that’s so hot she’s out of reach for the average guy. Wherever it is that you meet people maybe try another venue? If you go to a dude/tool bar you’re going to get a dude/tool.
    Lastly, why give it up so soon? Just saying because you want to know what you’re going to get is so not an excuse for being easy. If you’re in this for a long term relationship just why not just wait a little bit?anon in cambridge

    Posted by anon in cambridge July 10, 09 03:12 PM
  1. One more thing real quick.
    You state that you 'know exactly what you want from men'.
    That says it all right there..........your standards are obviously too high.
    You want the hot guy who's 6 feet +, has a huge member and can sexually satisfy you in every imaginable way, while rubbing your feet and feeding you grapes as a group of cherubs play chamber music and frolic naked in the background. Oh, and he has to have money and a cool sports car, preferably a Vette or a tricked out Mustang.
    Aaannnnd...he has to be sensitive and caring.

    Good luck.
    DrK

    Posted by DrK July 10, 09 03:14 PM
  1. Amy,
    You want to meet someone decent, but you don't seem to realize that a guy who is "decent" probably wants a woman who is too. Do you care about the world around you? You have a high-powered career. That's great. Do you, or can you, put those skills to use to benefit others to, in your free time? Would you enjoy doing that? If not, you have something of a double standard -- you want a partner whose kindness you have no interest in imitating. Think about what would like in a partner in terms of personality, and don't be afraid to make yourself a better person along the way. Every one of us could use to do that.
    I am about your age, I'm a woman, and I agree with most readers here that most men (including "nice" ones) do not respect women who sleep with them quickly. It's an unfair double standard, but it's 100% true. Consider a battery-operated friend, and take your time with guys. At the risk of cliche, you'll appreciate the experience more if you (and they) anticipate it.
    Believe it or not, there are highly educated women in powerful careers who date successfully and find wonderful partners and, ultimately, spouses. It's nice that you are not uncomfortable being single, and it's not illogical that you would like to find love even so. But think about who you want to be as a person, and concentrate on that. Then let everything fall into place.
    Good luck.

    Posted by M July 10, 09 03:22 PM
  1. Amy, I think this may be a New York thing. I am originally from New York too (Brooklyn), I'm in my early 30s, and I can relate to both you and #46 and your experiences. I was not turned off by either of your descriptions at all, I would probably describe myself in similar ways, and you sound like the kind of girl who I'd really enjoy being friends with.

    Funnily enough, I've ended up with an amazing boyfriend who was born and raised in MA. I was not looking for a relationship at all, but now we've been together for almost two years. I wish you the best of luck and hope all these comments have given you some food for thought.

    Posted by solvera July 10, 09 03:27 PM
  1. "Guys love my personality, never had a problem with that." (Amy, #64)

    OK - She needs women friends. To start, how about that L/W from a few weeks back who doesn't like women friends?

    Almost as annoying as this Gilligan, I mean bob dwyer, person.

    Posted by reindeergirl July 10, 09 03:28 PM
  1. This girls new comments make her sound even more narcissist and she comes across totally exhausting to be around. Who can get a word in edgewise with all her blabbing about how great she is all the time. Pray she spares the single males out there and goes back with one of these alleged boyfriends that still adore and want her back so badly. Go back to New York - please! Cant imagine even having to work with her. What a conceited witch! BTW, if she's so educated with such a successful job, why her sentence composition so horrible? She compose sentences like a 14 year old. Whoever said signed "I cant stand this broad", you got that right. The epitome of a broad, for sure.

    Posted by Whatever July 10, 09 03:38 PM
  1. valentino and hoss are my heroes...

    Posted by this chick sucks...literally July 10, 09 03:40 PM
  1. Amy, please consider lesbianism.

    Posted by Chloe-OBrien July 10, 09 03:41 PM
  1. Dr K-
    What kind of woman wants to ride around in a corvette or a 'tricked out mustang'? gross. Probably only the kind who enjoy 'bike week' in Laconia.

    Posted by Rachel July 10, 09 03:44 PM
  1. Amy , you are so FOS. Men have already figured you out and they're running for the hills.
    No smart, self-respecting woman would EVER be so stupid as to expect that some drunk, idiotic company from a one night stand would EVER want to stick around for a minute longer for a relationship with you.
    You're attitude stinks. It's not the men. It's YOU.

    Posted by Not so fast! July 10, 09 03:49 PM
  1. Sure does not sound highly educated....

    We are all conflicted about being single v. wanting to be in a long-term relationship. There are costs and benefits to both. Being single allows you to keep searching, to keep meeting interesting people, and to have more fun dating. Being in a healthy long-term relationship gives you more stability, emotional support, and the benefits of splitting living expenses if you share a space. The one truth is that we can not have it both ways. Decide what is more important to you... independence and experimentation or long-term stability. Just remember, a relationship requires a lot of give, not just take. If you can not or do not want to compromise, perhaps you are better off being single for now and having some fun.

    Posted by n.h. July 10, 09 03:52 PM
  1. Amy,

    I've thought more about what you've wrote (both the original letter and your comment). Your two original questions are defensive - you know what answer you're looking for. Your comment (#64) is still defensive. Are you looking for advice or affirmation?

    It sounds like you want to be told that you are perfect, and it's the men you are dating that are the problem. As you can see, most people here don't agree. Who's wrong?

    I hope you view the advice here not as an attack on your less than perfect personality (who isn't less than perfect?), but instead view our advice as useful guidance to get what you want out of life (and love).

    Posted by two sheds July 10, 09 03:52 PM
  1. Never "dumb yourself down" for anyone.....man or woman!

    Posted by Nada July 10, 09 03:59 PM
  1. I found nothing wrong with your update, AMY, NY.

    Seriously!

    Sex as a starting point? Nothing wrong with that at all. I don't think you are whining. NOW, I believe you are just being picky. ;-)

    Posted by Amazed July 10, 09 04:06 PM
  1. This young woman is in never/never land. Being a genuine person is the fix. If your a player, which you are, you will end up like the men players. Single and alone. Your ego is huge. You sound like your on a job interview telling us how great you are.

    Do you realize you sound like that? Its a huge turnoff. Not because we're intimidated, because men or women dont like arrogant, controlling, people for their spouse. We will bed you, but not fall in love with you.

    I really like Kathleen. Shes right! Its your lousy personality thats your real problem.

    Posted by billy13 July 10, 09 04:08 PM
  1. It will roll on forever, won't it?...
    "Guys don't respect women who sleep with them."

    Uh, what?? Come again????

    Yeah, don't you know you're supposed to hold sex over their head as something to be attained, that way you can have all the manipulative power you want? That way, you can begin the lifelong whoredom of trading your "permission to have sex" for his complete and utter obedience. Yay!

    Since most guys are dense, easily-manipulated meatbags, they participate in this pathetic farce and allow themselves, their opinions, and their lives to be controlled by whoever is dragging them around by their ####. Only when a guy realizes that he might possibly be good enough to be with her will he stop running around like a pathetic hump.

    Sorry to expound off original topic a bit, but I just find it funny the numbers in droves of people who still subscribe to archaic beliefs of sex. There's a hell of a lot of self-absorbed, too-good-for-anyone going on out there... Sorry, but you're not THAT special. I know you may not realize it, but you actually don't own the only #%&@# on earth. There is such a thing as having WAY too much self-respect... to the point where NOBODY is worthy enough to deign glance at your undergarments.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: Have fun with the cats!! But just so you know, plenty of progressive women are waking up to the new world and shedding these relationship-debilitating practices... You might want to eventually slink down off your horse to join them!

    Posted by DJMcG July 10, 09 04:11 PM
  1. So, let me see if I got this right. You don't act like yourself and that attracts "players" who do not want committment. How's that working for you?

    Maybe you need to be yourself and see what kind of guy you get. Maybe you won't attract so many guys to have sex with, but you may find someone who wants to explore a long-term relationship. Having sex with guys early on "to evaluate the merchandise" does not make you slutty however, you run the risk of guys who just want that "itch" scratched, you know what I mean? They had sex and then they are ready to move on. I'm intrigued by this idea of evaluating the merchandise. Are you saying you want to find out if you click with them sexually? Well, you dont' seem to have any problems there but they don't stick around so maybe that is really the only way you are clicking with guys. Why not try establishing a relationship first?

    Posted by Michelle2112 July 10, 09 04:16 PM
  1. Amy sounds a little arrogant to me. That in itself can repell not only men, but most anyone...............

    Posted by Pam July 10, 09 04:22 PM
  1. Amy, do you drink? .... I thought so.

    Posted by mdh July 10, 09 04:24 PM
  1. HAHAHA...thanks for all your comments. I loved them all.

    Obviously, I did expect these type of comments, but let me give you all some background on my dating life: two 4 year long relationships w/ two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again). Both relationships started as simply sex partners so I do believe it's doable to build a relationship like that and most of you agreed on that.
    Now, as far as the comment of "men can't handle me" I was more refering to the fact of men, "expecting" a woman to act quite, proper and nice all the time (which i see a lot of females "act" it quite well). They get surprised (and can't handle) to see a woman (w/ a nice personality i should add) to be goal oriented and a go-getter and knows exactly what she wants from men. There's where the intimidation comes into play and where I feel like I have to pretend to be a "nice-girl". I feel the conflict mainly raises from being one person (the tough one) in the corporate world versus the other person (the sweet) in the real life...
    Guys love my personality, never had a problem with that.
    I would like to hear your feedback....so type away...:):):)

    Amy

    ...................as I said Amy, to me you come off as very arrogant. That IS a turn off to anyone! :-P

    Posted by Pam July 10, 09 04:34 PM
  1. Amy, do you drink? .... I thought so.

    LOL !!! and if she doesn't, perhaps she should. Maybe it would make her a little less arrogant !!! LOL

    Posted by Pam July 10, 09 04:37 PM
  1. Amy, Rico likes that you were not afraid to put out there in writing to us about how you see yourself and what your issues are in finding a relationship. Rico also liked that you felt the need to reply with more info. However Rico sees some issue with what you said that kind of makes Rico think that you don't see yourself the way you really are. Reality is a very hard slap in the face. Take Rico's advice and start on the road to new adventures, until then you will continue down the sloppy road of meaningless sex with multiple men (and women?) and as the time passes you will grow angrier and lonlier than you think you are right now.

    The long relationships that started out as sex that want you back tell Rico that they enjoyed having sex with you and that was all otherwise these long relationships would be banging on your door on their knees ring in hand asking for you to marry them...they want more of the free sex since they are either bored with the current girl or out of other options at this time.

    Rico had a girl in his life like that and Rico guesses many of the readers here have as well. As Bill Parcell's said " you are what your record says you are" You are now Oh-Fer and that is not where you want to be, or is it?

    Have a great weekend everyone, Rico wants you to all get out and enjoy the summer sun and air...

    Love always,

    Rico

    Be who you want to be not what others desire you to be...Just be You

    Posted by Rico July 10, 09 04:52 PM
  1. Stop testing the merchandise before you buy- you're 29 pushing 30....I'm sure that thing is getting a bit worn down by now- then who will want you?

    Posted by Loose as a goose July 10, 09 05:00 PM
  1. "Do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to meet someone decent?"

    The unfortunate truth (which most of this board denies) is yes, we all have to pretend at least a little bit. If that wasn't true, the the following things would not exist: hair cutting/styling, makeup, cosmetic surgery, fashion, style, "finishing schools," lying. They all exist to help us cover our flaws and accentuate our best characteristics.

    So pretend, just do as little as you have to so the rest of the world doesn't want to disown you.

    "My sex life is very important to me, so I would like to evaluate my merchandise before I buy. What is wrong with that?"

    Your place or mine :O

    Posted by Shocker! July 10, 09 05:07 PM
  1. "Highly educated?" Does that mean she always went to class high? As others others have said, I think you need to really think about what you want in a relationship.... as you figure that out, you may want to take a break from being the neighorhood dart board.

    Posted by JPeterman July 10, 09 05:24 PM
  1. I've blasted you, Amy, but here's the truth. Men don't really care about a woman's career. There are many men who would love to date a hot, smart woman who loves sex. They think differently. It's not bad, but rather they complement us. The marrying type get hitched early, like 25-29. By 29, a man finally figures out the benefits of being single and how to get women. They have a great time in their 30s, while getting financially secure. Then around 37-39, the ones who want a family will start seeking partners, preferably a 25 yo. The ones who don't want to marry at 40 will never do so. If you want kids, you'd better get cracking. It's a myth that women can have kids at 40-few of us do.

    Posted by Not so fast! July 10, 09 05:41 PM
  1. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT "NIAVE GAL" WHOSE "MALE DOG" WENT TO THE CAPE WITH "ANOTHER YOUNGER GAL - HE WAS ATTRACTED TO" oh and supposedly with other friends as well. LAST CHECK IN SHE DIDN'T HEAR FROM HIM AND THAT WAS AT LEAST 7 DAYS - AND SHE WAS STILL WAITING FOR HIM TO RETURN A PHONE CALL. SHALL I SAY "DUM DUM' ANYONE? Bet he hasn't called her yet - UNTIL THE YOUNGER GAL PROBABLY DUMPS HIM - he'll call "DUM DUM" for a little "YUM YUM' - But that'll be about the onlly reason for him to call her.....He'll pull the same crap time & time again......Hope she has moved on...

    Posted by Been around July 10, 09 05:43 PM
  1. Amy- what you do as a job nor where you were educated are not who you are a person. And it's not who you are as a girlfriend, a friend, a lover, etc. If guys are judging you by who you are in the corporate world rather than who is sitting across from them at the dinner table, then you are either meeting the wrong guys or else the "work-you" shows up for the date, not the "real you."

    Try this little experiment... next time you find a guy that you want to go on a date with, go out with him at least 3 times before you talk about work. Talk to the guy and relate to him on a level that has nothing to do with education, work, etc. Talk about hobbies, interests, favorite movies, etc. You seem to think that guys are intimidated by you because of your job, your drive, your go-get-it attitude... so don't talk about that at all for a few dates. If you have nothing left to talk about, then you'll know that you need something else in your life other than work. Sometimes people get too involved and consumed by their work that it becomes their identity. Work is just a way to pay the bills each month, and if you're lucky enough, maybe it's something you love to do and are passionate about. But to most people, I think it's something they like enough to keep doing. But that has nothing to do with you as a girlfriend.

    There are two cliches that I think you could learn from:
    1. If it ain't broke- don't fix it. And,
    2. Love finds you when you least expect it.

    You say you are happy to be single... so why are you looking so hard for a long-term relationship? If your happy and your sexual needs are being met, then why try to change that? Honestly, the way you worded that makes it sound like you are trying to check the box for "long-term relationship" on the list of Life's To Do's. A relationship is not a box to check off. It's not a deadline. And it certainly shouldn't be something someone has to handle. Which brings me to cliche #2- don't be looking so hard for it. When it's right, it will happen.

    Posted by Skyler July 10, 09 05:50 PM
  1. #102 (Older and Wiser) - Very well put. Along the lines of what I was trying to articulate earlier, but much more effectively than I could have done.

    Many posters are getting on Amy's case for being arrogant. I admit that is one of my first reactions to reading her letter and subsequent post as well. But, I am also going to stick up for Amy inasmuch as arrogance is not a personality trait but a defense mechanism. It's one method of dealing with insecurity (a method with which I myself am only too familiar). It sounds like her aggressive personality has allowed her to be successful in the corporate and educational worlds, and power to her for that. Nothing wrong there. But relationships are a bit trickier: raw power doesn't always work.

    I guess if I were to give Amy a further bit of advice, it would be this: Try to remember that the man at the other end of the table is imperfect and would like to be reassured that the woman opposite him is also imperfect, thus allowing for some common ground. It doesn't mean you have to focus on your flaws; just try to let him know in some way that you're human too.

    Posted by Terminater5 July 10, 09 06:31 PM
  1. I bet Amy is a real PAIN IN THE ASS, and that is why guys can't "handle" her.
    They don't WANT to!!!!!

    Posted by Shecky28 July 10, 09 06:40 PM
  1. Run, run, run from this Psycho!

    Posted by MrRight July 10, 09 07:02 PM
  1. The Dude is right. And yes, you'll need to pretend you're decent to meet someone deccent. Contrary to your ego, you're not the center of the universe, you're just one of a billion in the center of the universe. Get over yourself, it's not attractive to attractive people.

    Posted by hippydippy July 10, 09 08:09 PM
  1. Any one of the following three would have driven away men looking for a serious relationship. She has all three.
    1) Full of herself
    2) Front hard like a player/cocky
    3) Bed guys too soon, which puts her into the f-buddy material category. Guys will have fun with her but will not respect her.

    Posted by SeriousnessIsATwoWayStreet July 10, 09 10:38 PM
  1. Why be a player? there's so many site of godly people that you can meet. Don't be
    a fool player go find someone who doesn't play but serious. As women, we got
    more to lose then man, so don't let men play you.

    Posted by stephanie July 10, 09 11:04 PM
  1. Hmm. Well. Your old Uncle Mistral has been in this field of poppies a long time, and he's seen a lot of Amys come and a lot of Amys go. I’m willing to give this Amy the (ever shrinking) benefit of the doubt, but a lot of the Amys I’ve known should have been named “Mimi”, b/c, with them, it’s “ME! ME! ME! ME!” all the time. The Amys of the world are better than you, and they want you to know it. They’re the (often beautiful) vixen in the room, with the hard edge and the bad attitude.

    The reason she's attracting players and not Stayers is that the players don't care about whether she’s a “Mimi” or not, or that she'd dump them in a heartbeat for the next Bigger, Better Deal (and him in turn), that comes along, b/c the players aren’t going to be around for any of that. They’re going to have their fun, and move on. The Stayers see a woman who may be accomplished and may, in fact, be gorgeous, but who isn’t beautiful, b/c the Stayers understand that Beauty is as Beauty Does. The Stayers hear that she wants a long term relationship…while she weighs her options, that is…and wonder if there’s room for a guy in this relationship she wants to have, or whether he’s just an accessory. Whether she’d have his back when Things Get Rough, or whether she’s just around when the sun is shining. That’s what your Uncle Mistral is picking up, and since your Uncle Mistral is also a Stayer, he bets that other Stayers pick up on that, too.

    Now, our Amy might really be Sweet Sally in disguise. Stayers like Sweet Sally. But the vibe she’s giving off is very much NOT Sweet Sally, but, well “Mimi”. The Amys who figure out that it isn’t All About Them, All The Time very often do well. Those that don’t wind up seated at the “cousins” table at their friends weddings, requesting “I Will Survive” at the reception and wondering why Prince William hasn’t called her yet, unaware that time and age have stolen from her the great power that her attractiveness ordained for her, like Rodin’s “La Belle Heaulmière”.

    Posted by Mistral July 10, 09 11:22 PM
  1. This girl will be the 40 year old who pushed guys away and now all of a sudden wants a husband, kids, and a family within 6 months and just doesn't understand why she can't get all of those things.

    It sounds like the original poster is full of herself and thinks very highly of who she is. That's fine and all, but most people with confidence don't need to keep justifying their awesome existence by saying it over and over again. So what if you're highly educated. What do you do with your great education? That's what really matters.

    Posted by Mikey "Insane" Monkeypants July 10, 09 11:57 PM
  1. Hoss, you were great as usual, but #23 nailed it!

    Posted by Nada July 11, 09 02:14 AM
  1. reindeergirl and exvermonter are excellent role models for this young lady

    BTW, using "wh_ _ e" to describe single women who are not "chaste" is as
    low as you can get, creeps

    one last thing, #14 is very wise indeed, dating older men is the elixer for all
    ailments aflicting young women

    Posted by older man July 11, 09 02:50 AM
  1. reindeergirl and exvermonter are excellent role models for this young lady

    BTW, using "wh_ _ e" to describe single women who are not "chaste" is as
    low as you can get, creeps

    one last thing, #14 is very wise indeed, dating older men is the elixer for all
    ailments aflicting young women

    Posted by older man July 11, 09 02:58 AM
  1. In my experience, comments like "Everyone is intimidated by me because I am so strong/confident/driven/intelligent/powerful" are actually self-deluded code for "Everyone dislikes me because I am a self-centered jerk."

    Posted by Sharon July 11, 09 07:53 AM
  1. You seem to me like you're a snob, you think that you're all that, but in actuality need to work on your reputation because, trust me, it's not good, if you're that open. I'm not being critical, I was you 10 years ago, but I learned. Please trust me on this, I'm not telling you to "hold out", I'm telling you to be selective.

    You're looking for a man that wants a relationship, however, you're not willing to work on one....no man wants a relationship with a woman who's phone number is on the bathroom wall, listed as "for a good time call....." and as sad as it is, that's what they think of you as (I could use a garden tool as a reference, but I won't)

    I don"t mean to be pious, but I just want you to learn from my mistakes. I made more than you can ever imagine. Welcome to being an adult. Sucks, doesn't it?

    Jen

    Posted by Jenandbrian July 11, 09 10:13 AM
  1. Wow lots of amazingly smart people here, who know so much about you based on such little information. Being less smart, when I read all those statements you made about yourself, I merely assumed you were providing information.

    Posted by Ricky July 11, 09 10:38 AM
  1. Wow - people got very snarky in a lot of responses and I am not going to go there.

    Amy you remind me a bit of Samantha in SATC. I mean that as a compliment. You obviously are confident, happy, and ambitious. Nothing wrong with that. Be yourself, I always say. However Sam on SATC is also alone but she accepts that. She is only in a relationship where she is in control still but loved for who she is.

    This is the different between the two of you. You want the relationship.

    This does not mean changing who you are but thinking about what you want and make it a priority. If you want to be in a relationship you need to be ready for one. You can be you but make room in your life for someone - because you have to be open and unselfish to be in a relationship. Right now you sound like you are in a selfish stage - nothing wrong with that - but you have to think about what you want and how to best have it and have it be great for you and that person.

    Good luck!

    Posted by Trixie July 11, 09 12:25 PM
  1. Amy is fooling us all and just getting a few laughs at the 'serious' comments and help offered here. Listen up, Amy. You're pathetic. Nobody is good enough for you. You don't need to dumb down or pretend to be anything other than who you are, BUT, who you are is not attractive to men. So while you love being single and dating, and while all your friends are finding their mates, your time clock is ticking. Then when all your friends start marrying and having children and don't include you as the single person, you can tell yourself that you would never have married guys like your friends husbands. While all your friends are traveling with their husbands, you're trying to find single groups to travel with. While everyone is growing old with their partner, you'll still be saying that you were too good for these guys. Grow up, get real, and realize that you are never going to find a good relationship with that kind of attitude. Trust me.

    Posted by coupled July 11, 09 12:30 PM
  1. I am so tired of hearing women like Amy saying that men are "intimidated" by them. That's just something to make them feel better about being single and allow them to self reflect. She's the only constant in all these relationships she's having so she need to look at herself. There aren't that many people in the world as powerful as Oprah and she isn't single. Michelle Obama was Barack's supervisor when they first met. Look how that turned out. If you want to throw all of your accomplishments in someone's face, of course they'll be intimidated by the challenge of dealing with such an arrogant, self-centered person. You handle animals and deal with people. You're your own worst enemy...

    Posted by jqa1708 July 11, 09 04:51 PM
  1. Uhhhh.....no Amy, you are way off on this one.

    People are not intimidated by you. They can probably see through your shallow, narcissistic, over-compensating ways and guys are very turned off by this. Maybe you should be asking questions to get the guy to connect with you instead of spouting your greatness. I think that I'd be bored with you because you have no substance.

    Sex is not an extra-curricular activity....and people get bored with you easily. I'd find a different hobby if I were you--something that will change your world that you can be passionate about. This will give you something else to talk about in your lame bar scene. Maybe if you focused on something else besides you, people would find you more interesting and really want to get to know you instead of run the other way.

    I am also an educated woman. I have multiple higher degrees with a terminal degree in my field. However I am not as judgemental as you appear to be, and I understand that people (men and women) are more interested in talking and having a relationship with you if the topic is not always YOU!

    Get a life Amy, NY. The common denominator in your failed relationships is you.

    Posted by cdl815 July 11, 09 05:07 PM
  1. You know, the sexism in these responses is really getting old. I think that Amy is fine. She knows what she wants; she just needs to be patient until she finds the right person. And the one who is able to handle her is going to be one very happy guy. Don't settle, Amy.

    Posted by Stormi July 11, 09 08:26 PM
  1. Few guys want a domineering woman for a girlfriend or wife.

    All that go getter, career oriented attitude is great for at work all the power to you, but it ain't gonna do much for your love life.

    BTW, no guy want to work for a woman who's like that either....

    Try being a little more passive

    Posted by notformethanks July 12, 09 09:14 AM
  1. Great advice #142 (Skylar)!!! We all need that reminder actually that we're more than just our jobs. Like you said, we are more than WHAT we do and more about WHO we are deep inside. I need that reminder as well....because I'm so used to defining myself as a mom and forget that I'm more than that. Your challenge not to talk about work for 3 dates would probably be a challenge for all of us. I know me with my "mom" hat, it would be extremely difficult not to talk about my son for 3 dates.

    Posted by bklynmom July 13, 09 01:51 PM
  1. Great advice #142 (Skylar)!!! We all need that reminder actually that we're more than just our jobs. Like you said, we are more than WHAT we do and more about WHO we are deep inside. I need that reminder as well....because I'm so used to defining myself as a mom and forget that I'm more than that. Your challenge not to talk about work for 3 dates would probably be a challenge for all of us. I know me with my "mom" hat, it would be extremely difficult not to talk about my son for 3 dates.

    Posted by bklynmom July 13, 09 01:58 PM
  1. You sound like a complete ass and a whore. Sounds like a real winner to me.. Don't give me that double standard crap. Women love double standards as long as it works for them. Love women want to fight for the right to be whores and not be judge. What a goal..

    Posted by Terrible July 15, 09 03:58 PM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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