Some of you questioned my math on the 10,000th comment yesterday. I’ll explain. On any given day, we get comments for old letters -- not sure why people find the oldies weeks later, but they do. Also, on any given day, we delete a few comments because of bad words we didn’t catch the first time around. The math isn’t great, but at some point yesterday, my counter said 10,000. Old comments, additions, subtractions. That’s how it goes.
Yesterday’s letter was a good one. I liked it when people pointed out that third base might count as sex. Maybe it does. That’s a debate for another day.
For now, we’ve got a letter about seriousness, sex, and being a “player.” It’s sort of a mess of a letter, but you can tell her what’s what.
Q: Hi all,
I'm 29 years old, highly educated, with a great job. Happily single at this point, I might add. I am looking for somebody steady for a long-term relationship. However, it seems that every guy I meet does not want anything serious. I'm tired of hearing that. It was brought to my attention that I might be the one not wanting anything serious (subconsciously), and as a result, I project that feeling to guys. But that is not true.
When I meet guys, I can't be myself because they find me very intimidating and shut down. The confident guys who can handle me are usually players/cocky. Also, I should add I don't have a problem sleeping with guys sooner than would be "appropriate" (as social standards have it).
This brings me to my questions: 1. Do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to meet someone decent? 2. My sex life is very important to me, so I would like to evaluate my merchandise before I buy. What is wrong with that?
Feel free to express yourselves,
Q: You gotta love the New Yorkers, right?
Amy, you’re sending me a whole lot of mixed messages here. You love being single. You want a relationship. That’s all fine. But I don’t believe that you can’t be yourself around nice guys without repelling them. It’s one thing to be confident and extroverted; it’s another to be a bulldozer who doesn’t listen. These “players” put on quite a front -- it’s a game to them. The fact that you’re drawn to them makes me wonder if it’s a game to you, too.
You can be secure and independent -- you can be yourself -- but you also have to work to get to know someone. If you’re not asking questions and really paying attention, the nice guys will bail -- not because they think you’re scary, but because to them, you’ll seem like the “player.” Does that make sense? You use the phrase “handle me.” That's a red flag. Who wants to have to “handle” someone they’re trying to date?
As for the sex, yes, there’s still a ridiculous double standard when it comes to gender and sex. That said, if you’re really looking for something long-term, you may want to wait until you really know someone before you “evaluate the merchandise.” There’s nothing wrong with evaluating -- I’m all for evaluation. But based on what you’re looking for and the problems you’ve had, you should take the time to connect emotionally. That seems to be what’s missing.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.