When I woke up this morning, there were 9,917 comments on the blog. You do the math. I havenít been this excited since my old Honda civic hatchback hit 100,000 miles. I loved that car.
Todayís letter is about not doing it.
Q: Because of my religious convictions, I have long been committed to abstaining from sex until my wedding night. Obviously, this is not a common decision, and it makes dating incredibly challenging. I never know when/how it is appropriate to bring up the subject, or even if it is worth mentioning at all. It's heartbreaking to consistently see guy-after-guy get attached (and be attached myself), only for it to end in confusion and sadness for both of us. I am aware that I can't expect men who haven't made that decision to wait for me, and I always give them an easy out of the relationship when I tell them, and all of them have taken it. I suppose my question is whether or not I should bring this up from the second a guy asks me out for a first time, rather than make him waste his dinner dollars on someone who'd have to wed me in order to bed me, or if what I am doing (waiting until things have progressed enough for the topic to sort of come up on its own) is the best course of action? I'd wear a sign around my neck proclaiming my virginity, but somehow I think that would make riding public transportation even more uncomfortable than it already can be. Thank you!
-- Chaste and Challenged, Boston
A: C&C (wasn't that a music factory once?), two thumbs up for using bed as a verb. I love bed as a verb.
Iím not going to try to talk you out of staying a virgin until marriage. Iím sure thatís where some of my readers will go with this Ė and theyíll have some good points Ė but this sounds like a decision thatís already been made, and I canít pretend to know whatís best for you and your belief system.
What I can say is that you may want to seek out men who share your convictions. If you date a guy you meet at a church activity, for instance, heíll be less shocked to hear youíre saving yourself, and for all you know, heíll be saving himself, too.
If youíre committed to seeing regular guys (as in, guys who expect to bed you), Iíd bring it up within a few dates. But I would spin it positive Ė perhaps your ban on intercourse makes you creative in other ways (wink, wink). Grilled cheese, etc.
Iíd also recommend developing a friendship with prospective suitors before you actually date them. If someone gets to know you well enough to fall for you before dating you, they may be willing to trade a traditional sex life just to have you around.
But Iím big on the church guy idea.
And please, donít wear the virgin sign on the T. If you do, take pictures and e-mail them to us, please.
Readers? Can abstinence ever make the heart grow fonder? What are your thoughts on this whole waiting game thing? Share here. Read yesterdayís chat here. Twitter here. Send me a thoughtful letter to the right.
Recent blog posts
Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.