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He won't make plans

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  August 27, 2009 10:37 AM

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Good chat yesterday.

I feel for this letter writer. I know the answer is obvious, but ... she's got it bad -- and only six weeks in.

Q: Hi Meredith, I am having an epic battle of heart versus brain. It all started when the guy that I have been seeing for about 6 weeks now told me he had to see what was going to “unravel” for the weekend before we could see each other. This got me thinking (I’m a 24 year-old woman, I will agree I over-think things at times), why couldn’t he make plans with me before something else happened? So we got in a bit of an argument about how I fit into his life since I realized he just won’t make plans in advance with me. Ever. We rarely have dates planned in advance and often times if we do try to plan something, it won’t end up working out for some reason or another and I get very down because I got my hopes up thinking I would get to see him. The only times I do get to see him tend to be a spontaneous “what are you up to now” and he waits until the last minute. It’s as if he’s waiting for something better to come along before I can be considered as the back up plan.

I like to have something to look forward to and the spontaneous, last-minute moments of hanging out really aren’t cutting it for me. It’s getting to the point where I find myself waiting around to see if he wants to see me rather than make my own plans with friends because I’m afraid I won’t see him at all if I don’t. That’s just the preface, our argument started when I ask him why he can’t seem to make plans with me. He struggles with his response, and basically tells me that he doesn’t like to make plans because he’s at a point in his life where he doesn’t want to be tied down to anything. He moved to the city to “discover himself” so to say, and I just sort of came along. Now based on his actions you would think “Oh, he’s just not that into her," but he truly is a very sweet, honest, and caring person. He tells me constantly how happy he is around me and how amazing I am, all common lines, I know, but I actually believe this one when he says it. So along with the lack of plan making subject, we talked about where our relationship stands.

As far as I know, we’re exclusive, but I haven’t outright asked him (dumb, I know). He told me he’s too busy to have a serious relationship, and he needs more time to himself to work toward his life goals, but he would still like to date me and sees a relationship as a possibility in the future. Now, I personally believe that if a guy wants to see me, he will make plans to see me versus waiting for something better to come along, that just seems like common sense (actions speak louder than words). I will admit, we have been moving rather quickly in the 6 weeks we’ve been seeing each other, but he now wants to take two steps backwards to something more casual than we’ve done before and I don’t necessarily think I’d be able to handle that. He did say that he would be more willing to make plans in advance with me though so there would be some sort of compromise.

So here is the question: should I take a step back (or is it even possible at this point) in our “non-relationship," or should I just end it now and save myself the heartache later (the latter was my own addition not his). My brain tells me to make a run for it, get out while I can and protect whatever shreds of self esteem I have left. My heart wants to give it a shot. This is the first guy I’ve had real feelings for in a long time, and I really want to believe him when he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am and that he does still have feelings for me and he truly wants to spend time with me.

My question really boils down to the age old rivalry: does the brain always have to be right, or is it possible that the choice your heart wants to make could work out in the end?

Sorry it's so long, and thanks for listening,

– Hopelessly Lost in Limbo, Cambridge

A: HLIL, I'm not going to tell you take a step back. I'm going to tell you to take 40 steps back.

This guy is not interested in a respectful, boyfriend-girlfriend-type relationship. You are. And I'm quite sure you can’t handle anything less from him. It's driving you bonkers.

He's not even treating you very well as a friend. If you were his friend, he would make plans in advance. I don’t think he’s intentionally trying to be a jerk, but he is trying to show you in every way possible that you're not his main squeeze. You're just a very available squeeze.

Follow his lead and consider your own needs first. This non-relationship is making you neurotic and it’s only six weeks in. Tell him the truth -- that if he's not interested in really dating you, you're out. Maybe he'll rally, but you should expect that he won't.

You're telling us that you don't want to be casual. You're telling us that you want someone who respects your time and looks forward to seeing you. Now tell yourself all that -- and make decisions accordingly. In this case, your heart and brain should actually be on the same page.

Don't feel rejected. This guy does have feelings for you and I’m sure he thinks you're wonderful. But at the moment, his priority is himself. And that’s OK. At least he has been honest.

Take a few deep breaths, go to the movies, make some plans with friends, and tell this guy he’s in or he’s out. I actually think that's what your heart is telling you to do.

Readers? Advise, please. Share here.

– Meredith

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223 comments so far...
  1. Listen, he obviously thinks he can pull something better than you (aka someone hotter/better looking/whatever you call want to call it) and is waiting for her to come around, but she hasn't, so he keeps you around. If a guy is really into you he wouldn't be playing these half a$$ games. You're B or probably C and he's looking for A.

    Posted by Dicky B. August 27, 09 11:01 AM
  1. I feel for you as well, but you absolutely deserve better. Meredith's advice is right on. You'll feel better knowing you told him what you need and you need to get out before you get sucked any farther in than you are. Do it now and get started on getting over him. Good luck.

    Posted by Wendy August 27, 09 11:02 AM
  1. My sitch was different, but basically I was with a guy for 7 years that couldn't decide on a week to week basis what I was to him. Sometimes the girlfriend label came out, other times he would go AWOL. And he did the same thing, I could NOT have a plan with him b/c for sure he would not appear at the last minute. Unless it was his idea or spontaneous. So what i'm telling you is RUN. You have to choose your head over your heart. I'm not saying he's horrible, but he's manipulating you in a fashion, and your playing right into it - like I did - by putting up with it. On the flip side,your only six weeks in. I detest games, but pulling back and not being available will likely work. I did it to him a million times and it worked every time. But as you can surmise, its no way to have a real relationship. And you know what made it end for me? When he knocked someone up behind my back and married her - and hid it from me. Very extreme ending, but don't let it happen to you. His behavior is forming a bad pattern between the two of you. Break it. And make no mistake, I blame myself entirely for 'enabling' his bad behavior. Don't be the enabler. You won't be noble for it. Good luck.

    Posted by thinkwithyourheadnotyourheart August 27, 09 11:03 AM
  1. I can't stand it when women make themselves so available to men that they're literally sitting around, waiting for the phone to ring. Have some self-esteem and get yourself a life outside of this guy. Meredith is right - his priority is himself and it's time you made you YOUR priority. Get a life, make yourself less available, and then see what he does. If he's really all that "caring," he'll make more of an effort to get together not just when HE'S available, but when you are. Seems to me that he's filling your head with lines to keep you interested. Honestly, why would you want to be involved with a guy who doesn't have time for you?

    Posted by FedUp August 27, 09 11:03 AM
  1. I could have written this. Except I've been doing this for four months, and I am finding myself in love with him. It sucks. I should have walked away when he said that he didn't want a relationship. I thought I could do the whole casual thing, but it hurts. I want some consistency.

    Get out now. Walk away. Go make plans with other people.

    Posted by linger on, your pale blue eyes August 27, 09 11:04 AM
  1. Good advice Meredith...Lets say it all together now: He's just not that into you. He may think you are great but if he wanted to be in a relationship, he would be in one. Cut it off for your own sake.

    I don't mean to be cruel - I'm sure you are great, but he will do nothing but jerk you around and never give you what you want.

    Posted by emerino August 27, 09 11:06 AM
  1. This guy is a complete jerk! He is making it obvious to you (or it should be obvious at any rate) that you are the last ditch option, only to be taken out if nothing better comes along. I suspect that the "something better" is female BTW and you are the other woman. I also suspect that you slept with him WAY too early per your sentence "I will admit, we have been moving rather quickly in the 6 weeks we’ve been seeing each other, but he now wants to take two steps backwards to something more casual than we’ve done before and I don’t necessarily think I’d be able to handle that." You can't handle something more casual than...what? You have nothing with him now and he has the satisfaction of knowing that you are putting yourself on the shelf, waiting for a call that might never come, while refusing to make plans for yourself with other friends.

    He is also throwing every corny line in the world at you and you are falling for them! You are "amazing", he is "discovering himself", he wants to "take two steps backwards". Sounds to me like he is getting bored with the sex (sorry - it is harsh but I suspect it it true.)

    The bottom line here is you seem to have a serious self esteem issue, to allow yourself to be treated this way by him, and you just KNOW that the other commenters here are going to tear you to shreds. Do you really think that anyone will advise you to continue to put up with this? You already have your answer - Meredith hit it dead on per usual.

    RUN, don't walk, away from this loser.

    Posted by J Bar August 27, 09 11:07 AM
  1. I'm sorry, that always stinks when you fall for someone harder and faster than they do for you. I think you did answer your own questions... you THINK he's exclusive, but you haven't asked. Why not? Are you afraid of what his answer may be? I think you definitely need to take 40 steps back. He's controlling the progress and activities in this relationship, and as Mere said, it's making you batty. You don't want to make plans with your friends because what if that's the night that he calls and asks if you can hang out last minute??!! I've been there, and it sucks. All I can recommend is that you run away. Or at least next time he asks if you want to hang out last minute, tell him you're already out and see how he reacts. It's messing with your head and it's only 6 weeks in. If he wants you that bad, he'll shape up and win you back. More than likely, he'll go on finding the best available date.

    Posted by Blake August 27, 09 11:08 AM
  1. There are times when you should make decisions with your heart and not your head...this is not one of them.

    This guy has been completely up front with you about where he is at, and where you stand with him. It clearly conflicts with what you want in a relationship. So why even consider hanging around? You can't change him, so don't waste weeks, or months, trying to do so.

    Move on, he won't try to stop you.

    Posted by Fentruck August 27, 09 11:08 AM
  1. LW asked: “My question really boils down to the age old rivalry: does the brain always have to be right, or is it possible that the choice your heart wants to make could work out in the end?”

    Actually, it’s not a matter of brain versus heart. It’s a matter of self-worth and dignity. If you value yours at all, then you will cut ties with this guy immediately.

    p.s. He’s married. There, I said it.

    "Know your role"

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss August 27, 09 11:09 AM

    all you need to know. run run run.

    Posted by EastCoastGirl August 27, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Run like the wind baby. You are totally plan B. If you have any self-respect then tell him you're not interested in being his standy-by girl. You don't have to mean about it, just frank. You need to DEFINITELY break contact for at least a month. He may try and get back in your good graces right away and it will just provide false hope for you. I'm guessing you already slept with this guy. No he wants to keep you around as a "f*** buddy". As a guy, I've seen this a million times. Just like you said in your letter - If he were really into you he wouldn't act this way.

    Even though many guys are dogs and love to have plenty of sex, I wouldn't let a women do this to me. I had a few try, but it just isn't worth it especially if you have strong feelings for the other person.

    My take it or leave it advice: Don't get married until you're 30.

    Posted by TR August 27, 09 11:13 AM
  1. I agree with Meredith - I'm sure this guy likes you. But, trust me, if he liked you as much as you like him, he'd be doing everything in his power to spend as much time with you as possible. Ask any guy, he'll tell you the same thing. It's really as simple as that.

    Posted by JDA August 27, 09 11:14 AM
  1. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

    Posted by singleinthecity August 27, 09 11:15 AM
  1. When you argue with him about this, 6 weeks in, you are only making yourself less desirable. It's a classic case of HJNTIY (he's just not that into you). We've ALL been there, and the best thing you can do is erase his number and email address without ceremony (do not, under any circumstances, tell him what you are doing) and move on. There is someone who will want to be with you. I'm sure you'll find that the shoe will be on the other foot sometimes, and one day it will happen where you find the right one. Guys (and girls) like the chase. Go away, don't look back, and when he tries to get in touch with you, smile smugly to yourself and hit delete.

    Posted by LR August 27, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Calm down, LW. You didn't even know the guy on the 4th of July, you acknowledged that you both are not in a relationship yet (you discussed it with him and he told you flat out that he "sees a relationship as a possibility"), and you are already upset about his preference to not make firm plans and his failure to spend enough time with you?!?!

    In terms of advice, none is needed. Based on your badgering him about seeing you and the ensuing "argument", it's already over in his mind. You are dismissed. Trust me.

    Posted by Hadie Nuff August 27, 09 11:21 AM
  1. OK, I'm a little confused - your relationship to date has consisted of him calling you when he feels like it and wanting to get together at a moment's notice. And now he wants something more casual than *that*? How will that work, exactly?

    I don't know you, but your letter makes you sound like way too nice of a person to settle for the odd tidbit of attention from any guy, even one who's basically nice despite his commitment-phobia. And avoiding making plans in your own life, just in case he might call, is a huge no-no. Keep that up and you will wake up one day and wonder where all your friends and interests have gone.

    Take Meredith's advice - tell him that you really like him but his dating style doesn't suit you at all. If he wants to see you again, he'll have to call you and ask when you're free for dinner or a movie or something. Until then, you have a life to get back to. I know you like this guy, but I bet there are plenty of other likeable guys out there who already know how to balance dating with their own life. You'll run into one very soon, I bet. :)

    Posted by Lala August 27, 09 11:22 AM
  1. Rico has a word for you: Fool...

    Sorry to be one more bearer of bad news but surely Rico thinks you already knew the truth. He is taking advantage of you and saying the right things to string you along. Rico senses from the letter you already know this which is why he says you are being a fool. Don't be a fool!!! He calls last minute you either don't answer or tell him you are busy. Even if you stay home and watch bad TV reruns alone it's better to be proud than someone elses fool.

    Rico thinks you need to very nicely end it with him and focus your efforts on yourself. Rico is going to say it now to everyone, this is not a male or a femal thing to bash. It is something that both genders do and at all different ages. Rico will add that if you allow it to continue and accept the casual thing you are only adding to your own misery. You are NOT his #1 and never will be.

    Rico is back to work now, have a nice afternoon.

    Love always,


    Gears not Gas

    Posted by Rico August 27, 09 11:23 AM
  1. LW,

    He is saying it as plainly as he can...He is NOT interested in a serious or commited relationship. Period.

    Let him go and move on.

    It stinks when you develope feelings and attachments for someone and they do not want to spend time with you, but clearly this guy is not interested. I know it hurts.

    When you mentioned you wait around for him to call you instead of going out with friends etc. That is the RED FLAG...No woman should EVER wait around for ANY man.

    Be good to yourself, and move on. The right man will be there when you least expect him.

    Posted by Older and Wiser August 27, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Are you serious? The guy is a total tool. You say he cares about you, but he "isn't ready for a serious commitment," is "exploring himself," can't make plans for you, and blah blah blah. You're deeply in love, apparently, because he compliments you.

    Which brings us back to the central point. If you're sitting around waiting by the phone for some guy who clearly isn't interested solely because he compliments you, you need to examine your life. Low self-esteem is a common problem. You will never be happy if you rely on other people's compliments to make you happy. Learn to appreciate yourself, and find someone who genuinely appreciates you (and isn't just looking to move things quickly).

    Track down "Nice Guy" from a couple posts ago.

    Posted by Nick August 27, 09 11:25 AM
  1. HLIL, you have a great opportunity to make this a positive thing. You have been able to successfully find what you want in a relationship! What you are realizing is that you can't get it from this man, which unfotunately is a sign that it won't work with him.

    You want something where your time, thoughts, and feelings are on an equal level with your partner's. It sounds like this guy can't give that to you, which is OK because he's entitled to want to focus on himself right now. Thankfully he's been pretty honest with you that that's where his mind is, and his actions have only confirmed it. Save yourself the heartache of wanting something that he can't fulfill and put that energy into finding someone who can. You will be much happier in a relationship that matches what you want. You'll probably also make a more compatible guy happy in the process. There are definitely guys who want what you described, we are out there looking just as hard as you.

    Posted by JackTheWire August 27, 09 11:26 AM
  1. HLIL - You already know the answer. You don't need to formally dump this guy - but you can if you want to. What you should do is rally your girlfriends and fill your calendar up. Make plans to see a movie with one on Tuesday, do apps/drinks with another on thirsty Thursday, and walk the Commons with another on Sunday. Do this every week, it will keep you busy, connected with the people you know care about you (your friends), and will keep you from turning blue waiting by the phone. If its ok with your friends, feel free to tell the guy where you will be and when and that he's welcome to stop by. Do NOT break your plans with your friends for ANY reason. When the guy calls you out of the blue and asks you to hang out spontaneously - accept his invitation if you are bored and available; decline if you already have plans. He'll either start booking time with you in advance, or he will drift away. If he drifts - let him go, maybe you'll meet a cute new guy while you are out and about. Good luck.

    Posted by Monty August 27, 09 11:26 AM
  1. This remind me of the old Jack Handy "Deep Thoughts" quote:

    "Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!"

    Seriously. Get off this guys neck.


    Posted by DrK August 27, 09 11:27 AM
  1. He's told you what he wants, which is in conflict with what you want. Walk away with your dignity intact and a sense of respect for yourself. This will not be easy, you like him. You have been waiting around for him in hope that he changes his mind, and he has not. So now it's time for you tell him "I get the message, you don't want a relationship with me. I want something more and you are not going to give it to me." Say good-bye to this guy.
    You may feel sad for a bit. Let it happen. Give yourself some space. Hang out with friends and enjoy their company. You may find that you have learned a thing or two from this experience.

    Posted by PoliteG August 27, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Maybe this guy isn't necessarily a jerk, but you shouldn't be waiting with baited breath for him to want to see you either, since he's clearly not a great friend (and therefore... probably not as great a guy as you think). What exactly are his life goals anyway, and how old is he? Just curious since you are at an age where many people tend to start considering finding their future spouse a life goal....

    Whatever his issues are, you need to get a grip. You sound like you're trying to be reasonable and thoughtful, but you know you're acting like a stupid girl. Look, I've been the stupid girl and I get it... but my goodness your letter is depressing. How much of your life are you really willing to give up for one person... whether he treats you like a princess or a piece of chewed up gum on the street?? Maybe guys will want to date you if you are capable of enjoying your life without them first... the rest will follow suit.

    Posted by get a grip August 27, 09 11:30 AM
  1. #5 literally took the exact words out of my mouth. i was going to say LW could be me, but actually #5 is more accurately exactly my situation. after about 2 months i should have dumped him but tried to do the casual thing and now its been four months and im even more miserable. except last week i finally dumped him for good. it does suck but im sure im better off... you will be too. and do it now because even though you think it might get better and he's going to eventually really fall for you, its not going to happen it actually only gets worse.

    And actually i wouldn't even bother giving him the option of either be exclusive or not because he might just say ok (or some version of that that you can twist in your mind to make yourself think its going to really be a relationship at some point... speaking from experience) to keep you around when he's really still going to behave the exact same way he has and not make you any sort of priority in his life. You'll feel better about yourself if you just say i'm better than this good bye instead of giving him the option to further toy with your emotions.

    Posted by EH August 27, 09 11:30 AM
  1. Allow yourself more dignity than to be some guy's last minute booty call. If he were into you, you'd be the first person he'd want to make plans with, not the last.

    Move along, move along, move along.

    Posted by Jennie August 27, 09 11:32 AM
  1. This is not a brain/heart question. This is a "how long should I wait until I can change him?" question. 6 weeks in and you've already broken the ice. (Pretty fast, but not the record.)
    And he sounds like he's not ready for a simple relationship, nevermind the one you're looking for.
    You're arguing with him? Because this is not the relationship you want? I can see discussion, but not arguing. You both need to take those 40 steps back. After only 6 weeks, you found out that he bothers you enough to ask strangers for advice? This is a sitcom, not a relationship...a train wreck waiting to happen.

    As much as I disagree with your approach, you do deserve a chance to find someone you like enough to not have to write a letter to Meredith after 6 weeks. Let him go, and go find that 20 something guy who is sweet, caring, honest, who compliments you, and also lets you try to change him early in the relationship but you somehow also respect. Or find a guy you can disagree with but don't feel the need to change.

    Posted by Brian August 27, 09 11:32 AM
  1. What ever happened to playing hard to get. Give the guy a challenge. He knows you are waiting by the phone, ready to go the minute he calls. Next time he calls and wants to go out at the last minute, tell him you already have plans and that you are sorry but won't be able to make it. Don't tell him what your plans are. Make him wonder what you are doing when you are not with him. Have some mystery about you. Let him think that you have a life outside of him. This is all a game and you want the upper hand. Right now he has it and you aren't even trying to get it.

    Posted by Lakeboy August 27, 09 11:33 AM
  1. Normally, I am all for following your heart. But, like a lot of women on here, I have been in a simillar situation. I could have written that except I choose to follow my heart and 3 years later it wasnt any different except I was in love with him. I made 1000000 excuses for him and me but in the end nothing changed. I do believe that he loved me, but sometimes that itsnt enough. If he is already showing these signals, I would walk away. It will be hard, but you dont want to waste years on a person who may or may not ever be there in the way you want him to. It sucks and I feel so bad for you because I have been there.

    Posted by kellie August 27, 09 11:34 AM
  1. The fact that he refuses to make any plans in advance tells me he's either already in another relationship or married. For sure.

    Posted by Christine August 27, 09 11:34 AM
  1. I was in your situation for 8 months last year. I'm sorry to read this is happening to someone else (unless you happen to be dating my ex, then I'm not surprised). He liked me, but not as much as he liked himself.

    My advice, like many, is to get out. Save yourself the trouble of wasting months or years of your life to be second banana. I wish someone could have pointed this out to me. Maybe you won't be stood up with no known reason sitting outside your office for an hour like I was.

    And don't think he's the last option on earth, he's not. I met someone months after the standing up incident, he's great and we've been together almost a year.

    Posted by someone who's worn your shoes August 27, 09 11:34 AM
  1. He's just not that into you. Sorry.

    Posted by just cos August 27, 09 11:36 AM
  1. Ugh. I've had "friends" who did this, and guess what? We're not friends anymore. I prefer to be with people who respect my time.

    I'm not discounting your feelings for this guy--in fact, I take them seriously enough to go one step further than some of the folks here. Not only should you tell him that you aren't interested in being his back up or his casual girl, you should cut off all contact with him. For good. Block his calls and emails, etc. It sounds harsh, but you both established a pattern that you could fall back into. Also, if he calls 'just to talk' or whatever, it will mess with your head and you'll be miserable--not to mention spending energy on him and the drama.

    Make lots of plans over the next few weeks. Take classes if you can. Make plans with your friends (friends who don't know this guy) and go to places that he doesn't frequent. If you belong to a gym, start going to a particular class there regularly. Be out of the house a lot, be busy, and if thoughts of him pop up in your head, think to yourself, "Xanadouche" and think of something else.

    Don't take a step back. Don't take 40 steps back. Break it off with him and run as far and as fast as you can from this guy. He's nothing but trouble for you.

    Posted by PM August 27, 09 11:37 AM
  1. I would walk away. I've learned the hard way also. When a guy wants to be with you, he will be. No IF's and's or BUT's. He will want to make the effort to spend time with you, before even his friends. Girls tend to like the guy that is unavailable or the "one you can fix." This isn't the case. It also sounds like you are too available and have put your own life on hold for the guy. Also not good, as he knows that. I would say distance yourself and see what happens. I can say that i've been in the same situation. Every person deserves someone who will make the effort to see them. Good luck.


    Posted by J August 27, 09 11:37 AM
  1. You should've signed your letter "Plan B" b/c that's what you seem to be to him.

    Stop blowing off your friends at the last minute to hang with this guy. They should mean more to you than someone who clearly doesn't care all that much.

    Have I been missing the haiku's lately?

    Posted by Joe August 27, 09 11:39 AM
  1. Without having read any responses, this is, quite simply, a FWB situation - he's got a Friend With Benefits in the LW, and why should he let that go? He gets everything he wants, without any strings. She says everything is decided last minute - guess what? He *is* waiting to see if something better comes along. Doesn't that make you feel like crapola? It should. If you were really someone he wanted to focus on, he'd want to make plans with you ahead of time, without any hesitation.

    To the LW? Run. Fast. And don't look back. He'll tell you he wants to be with you when you say that this type of relationship isn't for you. And then he'll do this again. He's got all of the control, because he knows you're into him and will always be waiting for his call. Take BACK that control and walk away.

    Posted by Linda August 27, 09 11:39 AM
  1. Run Away! Run Away!
    " ...and I really want to believe him when he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am and that he does still have feelings for me and he truly wants to spend time with me. "

    He is a con-man.
    He is telling you things to keep you hanging on ...

    He is playing you like a fiddle.

    Listen to your brain, and get out of this situation.
    Don't initiate the call ...
    wait for him to call YOU and ask you to go out...
    and you answer
    "No, sorry, I won't be seeing you anymore. I have made other plans."

    And be done with it.

    Move on, girl.
    There are much nicer persons out there for you to spend your time with.
    Good luck.

    Posted by MML August 27, 09 11:39 AM
  1. Ok this happened to me. YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN. I mean it, he won't committ to plans with you because he has to plan around someonelse. If he really wanted to be with you he'd be ready and willing to commit to simple dates, dinners, weekend activities. But alas..........or......he's just not that into you. He can be happy in the here and now, but when he is away from you he's thinking about doing somehting else.

    Reall find someone that is into you as you are into them. If you insist on staying with this guy, I promise it won't last long.

    Posted by KMH August 27, 09 11:40 AM
  1. Hopeless,
    Why are you even asking. You know the answer. He's just not that into you. Move on. Stop being available. Don't return his calls. You are an after thought to him. Please have more self respect and stop being his doormat. The time you are wasting on this guy, is time you could be enjoying with a guy who loves and respects you! I had a wake-up call like this myself. Thankfully, I was still in my 20s! Once I ditched the deadwood, I ended up meeting a fantastic guy-who I married 3 years later (It has been 16 years, 2 PhDs, 2 kids, 2 houses and travel to 4 continents and 15+ countries!). Life is good! I'm glad I heeded the warning signs early. Many of my friends didn't! Life isn't so good for them.
    There are plenty of fish in the sea. Enjoy being 24. Live everyday like it is your last. Hang out with your friends. Travel. Go hang-gliding, mountain climbing- whatever it is that you have always dreamed of doing! Enjoy your youth. Believe me-30 and 40 come fast and furiously. Before you know it you'll be 45, married with 2 kids, a mortgage and a fulltime job - wondering why you wasted your 20s sitting around waiting for the phone to ring!

    Posted by Carpe Diem! August 27, 09 11:44 AM
  1. Hopeless,
    Why are you even asking. You know the answer. He's just not that into you. Move on. Stop being available. Don't return his calls. You are an after thought to him. Please have more self respect and stop being his doormat. The time you are wasting on this guy, is time you could be enjoying with a guy who loves and respects you! I had a wake-up call like this myself. Thankfully, I was still in my 20s! Once I ditched the deadwood, I ended up meeting a fantastic guy-who I married 3 years later (It has been 16 years, 2 PhDs, 2 kids, 2 houses and travel to 4 continents and 15+ countries!). Life is good! I'm glad I heeded the warning signs early. Many of my friends didn't! Life isn't so good for them.
    There are plenty of fish in the sea. Enjoy being 24. Live everyday like it is your last. Hang out with your friends. Travel. Go hang-gliding, mountain climbing- whatever it is that you have always dreamed of doing! Enjoy your youth. Believe me-30 and 40 come fast and furiously. Before you know it you'll be 45, married with 2 kids, a mortgage and a fulltime job - wondering why you wasted your 20s sitting around waiting for the phone to ring!

    Posted by Carpe Diem! August 27, 09 11:44 AM
  1. I like #11 - to the point.
    This stinks - I was there when I was dating (I am married) and being friends with guys at work who are younger and single, I hear it all now and get some insight into the male psyche.
    He is not a BAD person per se, but he is stringing you along while he also looks for something better. He knows you like him, it makes him feel good, so he is keeping you around.
    If you can handle that - just having fun, no emotions, being an option - and one of maybe many - etc. - fine. I DO give him credit for telling you at least and being honest. But it sounds like you have feelings, and want something more - so it is not fine for you.
    With that said, be a big girl, know you deserve more, and cut ties.

    Posted by Trixie August 27, 09 11:46 AM
  1. Is his name Tom??

    Posted by Kristen August 27, 09 11:47 AM
  1. Sounds like you're lining yourself up to be a booty call. If that's what you want, fine, but be sure to keep busy. Date other men. Hang out with your female friends. Don't let this jerk bring you down.

    If you don't want to be that beck and call girl, then leave now. RUN!

    Posted by kat August 27, 09 11:49 AM
  1. This guy is not a jerk because he is telling you exactly what he wants. He is honest and forthright. For those that are tempted to call him a "jerk", you just don't like the fact that he is choosing to live his life the way he wants, not the way someone else believes he should. If she doesn't like what he is offering, she should just choose to move on. I can't believe how much is being read into his actions and words, just accept them at face value. He is who he is. He wants what he wants. There is nothing wrong or jerky about it.

    Posted by sanity123 August 27, 09 11:51 AM
  1. The guy is either a self centered jerk because he doesn't want to commit or he's a jerk because he isn't really "new to the area" but actually has a long term relationship he's cheating on.

    My 2 cents. Could be off my rocker.

    Posted by marriedinnh August 27, 09 11:51 AM
  1. I just had to add to the choir of women who are saying "I could have written this letter." In fact, just reading it made me wonder if we were dating the same person!

    I've been out of my similar relationship for a few weeks now and starting to realize it is a much better option. Sure, I miss him, but I don't miss wondering when he will call next or how he feels about me.

    Posted by Been there, done that August 27, 09 11:52 AM
  1. Unlike some of the other posters, I actually believe this guy likes you, at least when he's with you. But right now, his desire to find himself and not be in a relationship is overruling whatever feelings he may have for you. He's doing what he thinks is best for him and he's being honest about it. You need to do the same, and he's not what's best for you. Get on with your life in a very purposeful way. Perhaps when you're less available, he'll feel differently, but maybe not. Move on.

    Don't play hard-to-get. BE hard to get.

    Posted by Nancy G August 27, 09 11:52 AM
  1. Yes you have to listen to your head. I would not even bother having a conversation with him. It will not make you feel better and it will boost his ego, you'll be given him the power to decide but you should make this about you deciding what you want.
    When he calls just say you have plans, and do - there is a lot to keep a girl busy in this city!!! Fill your evenings with friends, shopping, museum visits, they gym. It will sting for a little bit but this way you will be free when someone better shows up and wants to make plans with you.

    Posted by action not words August 27, 09 11:53 AM
  1. LW, I agree with most of these posts -- you may have some self esteem issues that need to be worked out, possibly with the assistance of a therapist, but either way this guy is a jerk and you need to walk away from him.

    And I am curious, the readers who have posted saying they have been in a similar situation appear to all be women putting up with men jerking them around (and one guy who said a woman tried but he did not put up with it). Are there any guys out there or same sex couples who put up with this type of behavior from their girlfriends/significant tothers?

    Posted by acp August 27, 09 11:53 AM
  1. HLIL, you are wasting your time with this guy. You are not his type and he has made that plain to you. You can't force this guy to want you so you should just move on and forget about him. Find someone who wants to settle down and "go steady" as they used to say when I was young, since that is what you want.

    Posted by Framingham Resident August 27, 09 11:54 AM
  1. Sounds to me like he considers you his booty call, not his girlfriend or even casual girlfriend. That sucks, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but it is what it is.

    You are young and have plenty of time to find Mr. Right. Don't let this loser tie you down. Spend quality time with your friends, make other plans, and DON'T revolve your life around this guy, because he is certainly not doing the same for you. In fact, I bet he has lost some respect for you knowing that you wait around for him, and clear your schedule for him whenever he calls. Stop it now, move on and live your life. Stop wasting your time.

    Posted by Regina Felangy August 27, 09 11:55 AM
  1. Guys often say things more with actions than words, and guys in their early/mid 20s don't say things as well as they could. Don't take it personally. Meredith hit the nail on the head when she said that he's showing you in all the ways he can that he's not looking for anything serious. When he has said things, he's been very honest so I commend him for that. Most guys just stay quiet and don't communicate at all.

    Now for the reality check. Bottom line: you're a hook up for him. He calls you when he doesn't have other things going on so you're his Plan B (and more likely Plan C or D). He may not have said this relationship is just a hookup but that's what it is and it smells of it from a mile away. If you're looking for something more, this isn't the guy you should pursue. I know it hurts to hear it but it's the truth. Good luck.

    Posted by MattyB August 27, 09 11:56 AM
  1. I don’t want to agree too emphatically, H1N1—I mean HLIL—but yeah, you are kind of dumb. (Your word, not mine.) Since you can string together a pretty good sentence, I’m pretty sure you’re only dumb in the emotional sense, so don’t fret--you can easily enroll in the University of What-Was-I-Thinking!

    First lesson: never date a guy who says he wants to “unravel.” This is just dink talk. I mean, what better way to unravel than hang out with a foxy little minx like you, right? And if he “moved to the city to discover himself,” he picked the wrong city. That’s like saying, “I went to Thailand to quit drugs and prostitutes.”

    The most important things you need to learn are that someone who habitually blows you off is not “very sweet,” not “honest”, and certainly not “kind”; and that you aren’t having an epic battle of heart and brain – you’re wishy-washing out for a wank. The final exam is next month, kiddo. Study hard.

    Posted by Sally August 27, 09 11:57 AM
  1. You know the answer. Get out of this situation...NOW.

    Go find yourself. Most importantly, figure out why you think it is ok to be someone's BACK UP PLANS. You should be with a guy who is DYING TO SEE YOU! Who can't wait until it's date night or just any day to watch reruns and eat popcorn with you! Aren't you worth the same kind of excitement that you feel thinking of seeing him!? You are worth that! Everyone is worth that!

    Go find that person who wants to see you. In the meantime, it's better to be single, than sad and upset. Live in the moment and be true to yourself. You deserve a man who wants to be with you.

    Posted by Judge_Judy_Fan August 27, 09 11:58 AM

    Mere hit it spot on with the "neurotic" thing. You're going frickin' nuts!!! GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. NOW.

    You are waaay too young for a relationship if this is how you're acting. It's not him, it's you - you're psycho. But that's okay - it happens with infatuations.

    This is what you do: Give your friend his number to hide. Delete his number from your phone. GIVE IT ONE WEEK. Chill out... If you haven't heard from him, fine - call your friend, get his number, and give him a TXT after the week is over. That is, if you haven't already found someone new to pine over...

    Cats not Dogs

    Posted by Rica August 27, 09 11:58 AM
  1. I'm not exactly sure why everyone is calling this guy a jerk... he has been totally up front about where he is in life, and has given her absolutely no reason for her to think there is anything beyond "friend". In fact, I think the opposite is true -- she's more the jerk than he.

    Look-- when does "no" mean "yes"?? ... she sounds like a whinny, needy girl who pouts when she doesn't get her way. If he were to write a letter, it would probably go like this:

    Dear Meredith
    I've been seeing this girl casually for the past 6 weeks. However, in the past couple of weeks, she seems to want more from the relationship then I'm looking for. I've been honest about how I feel, but she doesn't seem to hear me. The other day we had a fight because she wanted to make plans, and I didn't because I like to have a loose schedule in case I get Sox tickets, or meet a model, or whatever. She can't accept that. What should I do? ~~Signed Not Ready to be Tied Down

    Posted by frankjcapp August 27, 09 12:00 PM
  1. Good day!

    To the LW: Clearly this guy is very young - inexperienced when it comes to dating and relationships. Ever wonder why he doesn't plan anything out in advance? It's because he doesn't want to make a commitment! He has told you that he wants to take things slow, to discover himself...well, that may be true, but it's RUBBISH! He's making excuses and you're letting him off the hook! However, if you put the "full court press" on him, he's going to squirm and wriggle out of your conversation. You could continue to listen to your heart - but your heart can't tell you what to do. You have two brains - the Right one which feels as if your relationship could be better and your Left one which should be screaming to you to get the heck out of the relationship. Agree? The bottom line here is that you need a more mature man. Let this one go and meet new people. You deserve to be happy and secure in your next relationship. Additionally, you need to stop trying to over-analyze everything. You're too young to give yourself grey hair. My best advice to you: Simplify. Stop trying to over-complicate your issues as most can be easily addressed with some light counseling. Talk to a friend and gain perspective of what kind of person you are versus how you think you are. Put the two halves together. You can be a better person, just do it for crying out loud!

    #23 - That was remotely funny. Thank you for sharing that quote.

    That's all I have today. Wish me a happy birthday. At ease people.

    Posted by Admiral Antgro August 27, 09 12:00 PM
  1. HLIL - You've gotta believe you ARE wonderful, with or without this guy. Based on your description, I would end it now and save the heartache. And I would honestly explain to him your reasons for doing so (in a nice way). Next make some fun plans with your real friends! Good luck and be happy.

    Posted by Trueblue22 August 27, 09 12:00 PM
  1. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Plain and simple. Don't buy into what he says, because its all bull$hit.

    Posted by Christine August 27, 09 12:01 PM
  1. I agree. This guy isn't a jerk. I think it would be easier for you if he was a jerk. He very simply needs something different than what you want from him. He has told you so. He has said to you "I cannot and will not give you the thing that you need right now." The question is whether or not you can take him at face value. If you are smart, you will take him at face value.

    Posted by merilisa August 27, 09 12:05 PM
  1. This has happened to me before - I'm going to be the person who says "been there, done that." Similarly, it was when I was 24. The guy thought I was great, we emailed, talked a lot, hooked up, yet it was rare he actually went out of his way to make plans with me and was always looking for the better thing to do. I held on because I liked him and thought we had a great connection and like HLIL, I kept hoping he'd want to really make time for me. I finally said something to him and he gave me the, "I'm not looking for something serious" line. Eventually it all faded and we were able to remain friends. I learned my lesson that it's not worth it to waste time on someone who doesn't want to be with me. And guess what? He got married recently to someone he was clearly very into!!!

    Let's put it this way. When you find the right person, it will all come easy and naturally. The best relationships are the ones that fall into place with little effort. Get out there, make plans with your friends, enjoy yourself, meet new people, and then you will find someone who loves you for you!!!!

    Posted by Dome Foam August 27, 09 12:05 PM
  1. Lakeboy speaks the truth. You are too available. You need some mystery.

    You are always there. Like a rug. I like my rug. It is fine. I know that I can hang out on the porch or a bar and when I return, the rug will be there. Now, if I was unsure becuase my rug disappears every now and then, I would probably pay more attention to my rug as I don't like to have cold feet.

    Don't always be there. Find friends and make plans with them. Don't always text him with moronic abbreviated words (t2yl, l8er, yt, etc...). Don't call so often. Play hard to get. Men like a chase.

    If you really enjoy being with him, you can still turn things around. Be elusive...like a spy. And why aren't you friends with his friends? That should be step two.

    Posted by Tom August 27, 09 12:07 PM
  1. Dear Hopelessly Lost in Limbo,

    Seat down get a paper and pen, and write down all his do’s and don’ts. His comments and excuses speak volumes, you’re 24 yrs old, and you have only known this guy for 6 weeks. Don’t allow someone who you’ve just met mess up your entire life. Remember, if men were born a second too late, they’d all be developmentally challenged! You’re a smart woman, make your best judgment, your pain and suffering for a fruitless relationship is not worth it! Give yourself a chance to find someone who will really love you!

    Best of luck,


    Posted by Anonymous August 27, 09 12:07 PM
  1. Run... away... fast and far. Do it now. 6 months down the road this user will be knocking on your door. By then you will have moved on and found someone much much better. It will be satisfying.

    Posted by lilmonkeybean August 27, 09 12:08 PM
  1. Life is short. So, unless you believe in reincarnation, this is it. Don't waste time on relationships that don't give you what you need. Move on. Something better is out there, and as long as you're marking time humoring Mr. Can't Make A Plan, you won't be able to see it.

    Posted by Susan August 27, 09 12:08 PM
  1. Had a friend like this. She just thought plans were so "binding". Dumped her dippity ass...

    Dated a guy like this... It's tough because you don't want to appear clingy or demanding... It's a head game toots. Plain and simple. I think he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Stop playing the game NOW.

    And yes, he may be married. He may have another girlfriend stashed away somewhere. He may just be a huge Red Sox fan and likes hanging out with his buddies, watching the game with them at a bar til it's over. Meanwhile, he's may be hitting on every cute woman in that bar...

    I don't trust him. Do you? And how old is he? Please follow up...

    You are 24. You are young. Love is a battlefield = b.s.

    Find a guy who knows what a great girlfriend you are and shows you everyday that you are worthy of love, respect, and HIS TIME.

    The best of luck...

    Posted by Amazed August 27, 09 12:08 PM
  1. I think that everyone who has put themselves out there has been in this situation. It just teaches you what you do NOT want....seriously. It's miserable to get out of this, but once you do, it's ridiculously empowering, and you will not let it happen again.
    If you've only been dating 6 weeks, it should not be that hard to get out of.
    Just stop talking to him. And don't be flattered when he's all of a sudden interested, because he'll take it as you being hard to get. It's not worth it.
    And come on, we're in Boston...there are ALWAYS things to keep you pre-occupied, no matter what your interests are.
    Best of luck, and I promise, it will make you feel great to just get him out of your life.

    Posted by SM1231 August 27, 09 12:08 PM
  1. Learn to make a better "Grilled Cheese" and he might want to make plans!

    Posted by The King August 27, 09 12:09 PM
  1. " you can easily enroll in the University of What-Was-I-Thinking! ..."
    "And if he “moved to the city to discover himself,” he picked the wrong city. That’s like saying, “I went to Thailand to quit drugs and prostitutes.”"

    @Sally == >

    Those lines are hysterical ... you made me do a spit take with my coffee.

    Posted by frankjcapp August 27, 09 12:10 PM
  1. Wow, I could have written this letter. Right down to the "very sweet, honest, and caring person. He tells me constantly how happy he is around me and how amazing I am..." The only difference was I wasn't actually waiting around for his calls. Nothing was "last minute" but nailing down a plan with him was like climbing Everest without extra oxygen. It was always a "if nothing else comes up by Thursday then I'll make plans with you for the weekend" kind of thing. I even let myself think, "well, I can at least consider him a good friend" despite me falling hard for him, but then I realized, he's not even being that! it's comforting to know I wasn't alone. Thankfully, I FINALLY cut all ties two months ago, and I feel like I've been handed that extra oxygen tank back.

    I empathize with your infatuation with him; I was there too. But honestly, you'll be surprised how easy it is to let those feelings go once you free yourself from the stress associated with those feelings.

    In other words, end it now!

    Posted by Bee Bee August 27, 09 12:10 PM
  1. Move on and in another 8 weeks or so this dude will be a distant memory and since you stopped waiting by the phone you will actually go out with your friends and meet people who are more deserving of your time and attention.

    Posted by Move on August 27, 09 12:10 PM
  1. You are clearly his booty-call girl. Move on and find a guy who really deserves you.

    Posted by Karmen August 27, 09 12:10 PM
  1. Also, LW, I have to add--

    A "sweet, honest, caring person" would NOT tell you how great you are, how happy he is with you, and then completely disrespect you this way. That's a nasty little head game, right there. He wouldn't keep you on the back burner for if nothing better came along for the weekend. He wouldn't treat you like a booty call. You wouldn't put up with this treatment from your friends, would you? (You wouldn't, right?) He does not get a special pass because of the booty.

    I'll also say this: don't EVER forgo plans with your friends for a guy who hasn't made plans with you at all. OH MY GOD. Seriously, don't do that. First of all, don't you think that hurts your friends? Second, why would you sit at home for someone who constantly lets you down, as opposed to hanging out with your friends who you KNOW like and respect you? Who respect your time and whom you have fun with? No contest.

    Please be an arrogant b***h and lose this awful "friend."

    Posted by PM August 27, 09 12:11 PM
  1. One sided relationships are a symptom that you have some work to do. What else in your life needs work so you can feel better about yourself?

    Actions speak louder than words. ALWAYS.

    This guy sounds like he could 'possibly' be the right guy at the wrong time in your life. End it now and get your own life in order and be glad that the universe reminded you that you are capable of love.

    If you really cared about this guy, you would want to give him the space he needs to find himself. Instead you want him to spend his energy 'completing you'. It is best to end this relationship and sever ties - that is the only hope you have of possibly reconnecting at some point later in life.

    You aren't ready for what your heart wants. Get in the best shape of your life, get that job you dream of. Become someone that you think is so fabulous that it would be unthinkable for a guy to use you.

    Posted by older and wiser August 27, 09 12:11 PM
  1. He's holding out for another girl he's seeing, and you're lower on the list. Give him the boot.

    Posted by BobL-FF August 27, 09 12:15 PM
  1. Wow wow wow wow wow. This reminds me of a very, very similar situation I was in a few years back. I'll try and make it short.

    We were co-workers; he strung me along for over a year and it took the firm we worked at to shut down to make me realize he was GOOD FOR NOTHING.

    Whenever we hung out, it was always his call. He would never make plans with me. None of my friends or family could see why I was wasting so much time on him; I told them because he was sweet and funny, and when he said nice things to me I truly believed him!! But it nagged at me constantly that he wouldn't make plans with me, it was always spontaneous. Most weekends he would go home to NY, and even though after awhile he called me his girlfriend, I was never invited.

    We had a lot of the same friends, as we worked togehter, and the summer of '04 was filled with fun BBQ's and such. However, whenever I would try and ask him what the hell was really going on with us, he'd always have some lame excuse or whatever, and if I'd pull away, he'd always manage to woo me back with cute, funny e-mails and what not. Of course, I fell for it because I wanted so badly to believe he really loved me, but just 'wasn't ready.'

    Well, it turns out he was seeing his best girl-friend pretty much the entire time! I was stunned, because he'd even introduced this girl to me as "just one of the guys," and she knew that the two of us were hooking up. But then I started noticing that instead of being friendly, she would get all weird and avoid me at BBQ's and parties. In hindsight, it was so obvious because he was seeing both of us at the same time and he didn't have the guts to be straight with me, or her for that matter.

    I could go on and on and on, but to get back to you: this guy probably has a secret and IS waiting for something better to come along. I've been there, and I feel for you.

    Posted by Lizziex1980 August 27, 09 12:16 PM
  1. Time to jump on your horse and ride into the sunset. This dude is strictly looking at you as a booty call. If his buds are going out to throw back a few he'll do that, if not he'll call you, see what's up and try to hit it. I understand the nice guy routine as it was used by me when I was an immature jerk. Tell him to put up or shut up, but if I were you I'd just chalk it up to experience and move on. There will always be that pull for him to blow you off to do something else.

    Posted by Vinman August 27, 09 12:16 PM
  1. tell him you want someone who's willing to make plans with you. If he can't/won't do that, then you can't/won't see him. You're too busy (hopefully) to be sitting around waiting for him to call you when he's bored and looking for something to do.
    Failing that, if he calls you, be busy. Always.
    Say "I can't tonight. Maybe tommorrow/Tuesday/next week?"
    If he can't even commit to that, drop him. He's not worth it, and clearly doesn't think you're worth making plans with.

    Posted by Noel August 27, 09 12:17 PM
  1. Do the same to him. Use him for occasional company but that is it. You are always more desired when you have something cooking. It will give you more objectivity when you are meeting new guys. Do not give him the power. If you pull back he may see you differently.

    There is no need to be on or off. Keep cool.

    Posted by IamChachi August 27, 09 12:18 PM
  1. Just think of all the nice people you're missing by hanging on so dearly to this hurtful situation. If you don't treat yourself with kindness and respect, you open the door for mistreatment. It would be a great act of kindness to yourself to just walk away from this disrespect and "abuse". You really do have all the power--the power to make yourself stand in line for abuse or the power to choose situations where you can be happy and blossom. Best of luck to you--go for the happy!

    Posted by cvana August 27, 09 12:19 PM
  1. Have you no shred of dignity? Have you no self-esteem at all? What's wrong with you? Ouch! It actually hurts to read your sad letter. Now you know better than that. Shame on you - what's that saying: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

    You're not Lady B, nor Lady C. You're not a lady to him at all; you are another word that begins with "L". Sorry to be so harsh, but this is NOT a matter of head versus heart - you're just a booty call to him.

    And he's NOT Mr. Wonderful; he's a two-timing coward who doesn't even have the fortitude to at least acknowledge that you're friends with benefits - whatever that means. (I know what that means, but apparently you don't because he's not a friend at all!)

    Please scoop up the little pride left of you on the ground (because that's where you keep it so people can trample all over you), and RUN FOR THE HILLS!

    Do not call him; do not answer his calls; do not send nor receive emails - just go cold turkey.

    You are a sensitive woman with sensitive needs - now go out and find a similar bird of feather so you can flock together! People only treat you the way you allow people to treat you. You ARE a nice person, so go find a nice man. (Was I too rough? If so, I'm sorry.)

    Posted by JeffreyInMalibu August 27, 09 12:26 PM
  1. Sally (#54) said: And if he “moved to the city to discover himself,” he picked the wrong city. That’s like saying, “I went to Thailand to quit drugs and prostitutes.”
    BEST. LINE. EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!! Sally, you ARE Da Woman! LOL

    Posted by Linda August 27, 09 12:27 PM
  1. Idiots. Commentors and LW alike. Stop bashing the guy for being honest with her six weeks after they met and started hanging out together. They want different things right now. Period.

    She should make her own decision based on what he told her. They have barely had ANY planned dates and she is upset because she wants exclusivity and a planned dates each week / weekend?!? He even told her that a relationship is "possible". Any one with an IQ would know what that means. If she doesn't like what he had to say or what he's doing, she's free to stop seeing him. I don't think she will. She's weak and needy.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer August 27, 09 12:30 PM
  1. Take it from someone with years of experience on you (I'm 39) and have been there done that and see things WAY more clearly....

    1) The point of getting to know someone in the dating stage is to figure out if you're compatible with someone and have the same relationship goals. If along the way, there are more negative things than positive (ie feeling stressed out like you are), then that's the signal that the person isn't right for you and it's time to move on. Doesn't mean they're not a nice person, or there isn't good chemistry, it just means that where each person is in their lives doesn't align with each other.

    2) The other point of dating and having a relationship with someone is to enhance (not replace) what should be going on in our own full lives.That you're giving up hanging out with your own friends and hoping to get a call from this guy is not a good sign. You are not valuing yourself by doing this...and if you don't value yourself, it's almost impossible for someone else to value you.

    3) 6 weeks is WAY too early to be expecting exclusivity....especially from someone who has already told you he's not looking for anything serious. If he told you that, BELIEVE HIM...no matter how much fun he has with you when you're together or what sweet nothings he's telling you. Of course he's telling you that...you ARE probably nice and HE IS probably having a good time...but those things alone don't equal a serious committed exclusive relationship. Step back and treat YOURSELF with the attention, love and kindness that you are craving from him.

    I understand you're crushing on him and like him a lot, but you can't force something that's either not meant to be (either ever or right now). My guess is that there are things in your life that you're not happy with and the headiness you feel around him is a way to ignore not so good stuff in your life, so the fantasy of it all outweighs the reality of: A) you don't know him that well to even know fully if he's the right person for you, and B) you're making this relationship very unbalanced by making these demands, starting arguments and asking for things that he's not capable of giving.

    If the guy wants to make plans with you, he will. He has your number...so leave him alone. In the meantime, make your own plans. Call your friends. Go to the gym. Go see a movie that you've put off seeing hoping HE would take you. Go visit friends or family out of state. No need to tell him all these things....just do them. He's living his life (as he should), and you should be living yours. People we date should be cherry on the sundae, not the whole sundae. Go live your life as you were perfectly capable of doing before he came on the scene 6 wks ago....it will make you a more well-rounded person...and it's really the mature and responsible thing to do. In time, if things synch up, you'll either find out he's the person for you IF your relationship goals ever line up...or not. In either case, you'll be doing what's best for YOU in the meantime and learning more about yourself along the way. Best of luck.

    Posted by bklynmom August 27, 09 12:32 PM
  1. I dated someone who was just like this for 7 months. At first the relationship was great and he always made plans with me early in the week to do something on the weekend. So it was great for the first two months and after that it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything or make plans in advance. The relationship fizzled. He would ask me on Thursday or even Friday afternoon if I wanted to do something Friday night. Saturday was reserved for guys night out. He insisted on exclusivity the entire time, even after we broke up for a day and got back together. I think we both stuck with the relationship because we were lonely at first and it was nice to have the company. We both knew there was no love at all and probably there never would have been, because it's either there or it's not. I couldn't let myself fall in love with him because I never felt like he was going to return it. He decided to end it before I did. I was heartbroken because I was going to miss the companionship, but if he didn't end it, the relationship probably would have expired soon enough..... His timing could not have been more perfect.... Exactly a week later, I met someone new and wonderful. I'm not sure where it's headed, but no doubt, I am having fun and taking things one day at a time. I would not have had the opportunity to meet this wonderful guy if I was still with the last one. Timing is everything!

    Posted by Bostongal August 27, 09 12:35 PM
  1. ....and Bob Dwyer swoops in with the truth. Ouch.

    Posted by thathurt August 27, 09 12:37 PM
  1. Virtually everyone has been in a situation like this, and it never works out. The reason women fall for guys like this is because they are charming, but trust me, there is no substance behind his lines. Actions speak louder than words--don't trust ANYTHING he says. My best friend let a guy like this string her along for 5 years and she never got over him. (I think he could walk in the door today and she would be willing to pick up right where they left off.) Do not let someone do this to you! The good news is that you only have 6 weeks invested in this guy. It will only get harder to break it off. Do it today! Delete his number and email. Don't even discuss it with him, just cut him off!

    Posted by pumpkinali August 27, 09 12:37 PM
  1. HLIL,

    You left out details that might affect my advice:
    a. Are you having sex with him?
    b. How often do you see him? How often do you want to see him?

    But here are my thoughts. Sorry this is so long, but I suspect my advice is different from what many of the other women will give you. So I want it to be explanatory.

    1. If after dating me for 6 weeks a man asked where our relationship was going, complained that he wasn't seeing me often enough, and said he couldn't handle a more casual relationship with me....well, HLIL, I'd ask the FBI to give me a new identity and move me to Idaho. Way too clingy for me.

    2. If your relationship includes sex, you definitely should know whether it's exclusive or not. Ask him. If you want exclusivity with sex, insist on it or end the relationship. That's not unreasonable.

    3. You say you're not doing other activities because you're waiting for him to call. Red flag, HLIL.

    I worry that you're young and starting down a common psychological path for women: defining yourself and your happiness in terms of a relationship with a man.

    Instead, define yourself first. Let a man be the icing on your psychological cake, not your whole cake. BTW, that lets the man really shine, too. It gives him a more complete, interesting woman to have a relationship with.

    4. You've only known him 6 weeks and he just moved here. He's doing other things with much of his time. Some commenters have said he's married, he's dating other women, etc. That may be true.

    But it's too soon to know that. He may have financial, family, school, real estate or other issues he's dealing with. And after only 6 weeks, he may not have told you because he feels it's none of your business. I'd agree with him on that.

    5. He can't/won't plan ahead. Again, commenters have said it's because he's married, dating others, etc. That may be true. But again, I think it's too soon to know that.

    He may simply be like my sister. If she makes a plan with someone in advance, she often breaks it at the last minute because "something else came up". She also tries to get together with people on the spur of the moment. She does this to everyone, including me.

    I've tried for decades to tell her it's rude and inconsiderate. She just doesn't see it. She's oblivious to it. In other respects she's a very polite, caring person. I know a couple of other people like her, too.

    The only thing you can do is go ahead and make your own plans. When he calls, if you have no plan go out with him if you want. But if you have a plan say, "Joe, I'd love to see you but I've already got other plans. Maybe some other time."

    After a while he may learn that if he wants to see you, he'll have to plan ahead.

    Good luck with it.

    Posted by TallGirl August 27, 09 12:44 PM
  1. Bob, saying how great she is and how happy he is with her and then treating her like crap isn't being honest. And you know, if a friend only bothered to make plans with me at the last minute, I'd drop them because they're being a jerk. (EVEN if the friend said I was such a great person, blah, blah, blah. If I'm so great, treat me with respect.)

    He could have been honest and dated her casually while being respectful of her time. He's not being respectful of her time, so he's a jerk.

    Posted by PM August 27, 09 12:47 PM
  1. cut him off. ignore him. play hard to get. if he really is into you, he'll come crawling back but it might take a few months. be preapred for that. Make your own plans. in fact even if you have no plans, tell him you do when he calls or texts.

    Ban that 3rd person "person"

    Gas not gears.

    Posted by byubba August 27, 09 12:51 PM
  1. I did this to a girl, actually more than one over the years. Here is the straight truth. I was dating more than one and actually more than 2 or 3 at a time and always looking for another. While I was unable to find a better plan or was just tired to go out and bar-hop looking for another girl I would call you up and say I was free, want to hang out? You'd come over and we'd get past the pleasantries or maybe order take out and then you'd be naked in my bed doing the wild thing. I'd send you home afterward or if you were lucky I let you stay over but that was a rare occasion since I was probably off to something else the next day.

    You are being used. If the sex is good enjoy it but don't get attached because it won't last.

    Posted by Option 3 or 4 is my guess August 27, 09 12:55 PM
  1. Oh LW...it pains me to read this. This guy, while he may like you a whole lot, definitely does not want a relationship, and Mere's right, at least he's being honest about it. I think you definitely need to tell him that he needs to be in or out, because at this point, his just being in it halfway isnt enough for you to be happy. Also, try making yourself a little less available... don't always jump when he calls, don't always agree to see him at the last minute. Maybe that will help him to realize that if he Does want to spend time with you, he'll need to make a little bit more of an effort. Maybe he'll realize that he does want to be with you, but I wouldn't hold your breath for that, and I would start making plans on your own in the meantime. Who knows, maybe when youre out on some girls night out, you'll meet a wonderful guy who Does actually want to make plans with you! .

    Posted by bluedaisy August 27, 09 12:55 PM
  1. This is another one where you KNOW the answer, but want 200 responses to validate it for you. Let's not even talk about a commitment here... he can't be bothered to even make plans. It shouldn't be so hard. Let's say this guy loves Bruce Springsteen... would he buy tickets when they first came out or wait until the last day because he wants flexibilility? He's being semi-honest with you, but stringing you along nonetheless. You're like the fire alarm behind the pane of glass that he pulls for a booty call emergency when nobody else is available and there's only re-runs on TV. He's saying the nice things to try to keep you happy and around for emergency purposes. So yes you really should put your time into something with a future even if it's planning lunch for tomorrow. If he was being totally honest he woud pull out a bullhorn and say "I DON"T MIND SPENDING TIME WITH YOU WHEN THERE ARE NO BETTER OPTIONS, BUT WE'LL NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP" I would assume you feel you want more than this, so lose the guy's number.

    Posted by JPeterman August 27, 09 12:56 PM
  1. I was in a similar situation several years ago when I was home one summer from college. I connected with an old friend from the past, we really hit it off, but he would continually flake out on me at the last minute because he'd get called in to work (he was trying to get started as a camera-man for film). At first I got pissed, then I got someone else to date. I made plans (and kept them) with the new guy, and when the old guy would call, more often than not I'd already be busy. On occasion the old guy would want to get together and I would be available, but since I was also seeing someone else, I had more stuff to look forward to and I wouldn't be upset if the old guy flaked out on me again. Find yourself someone else who's company you enjoy and will make plans in advance and stick to them. If Mr. Last Minute calls and you aren't busy, maybe you can still get together from time-to-time, but at least you'll have someone more considerate to spend time with in the mean time.

    Posted by Miss Mandy August 27, 09 12:57 PM
  1. Ok kids, what have we learned???

    - Don’t over-think a relationship that’s 6 weeks old
    - If you think you’re someone’s back up plan, you are
    - Don’t put your plans on hold for someone who’s ‘discovering himself’
    - If his ‘sweet & caring’ lines don’t match his actions, he’s doesn't mean it
    - If he truly wants to spend time with you, he will
    - And hellooooo- don’t sleep with someone if you’re not exclusive!

    Posted by Shorty August 27, 09 12:57 PM
  1. Too many people start dating without really understand/acknowledging what they want from the relationship. Time goes by, you get comfortable with each other, and then you end up in a relationship without really consciously deciding to be in one. I know, it happened to me. Three plus years later, I realized that I knew on the first date that it wasn't quite the right fit.

    I think like Mer and most of the other posters have said... It is time to end this relationship because it is what is best for both of you. Him so that he can do his thing making himself the priority. You so that you can learn to live your life again.

    Next time you start dating someone.. make sure your brain is helping to make decisions before your heart takes over. Make sure you consciously choose whether or not the guy is right for you. Once you get attached, it is much harder to listen to the brain.

    Posted by bostongrl August 27, 09 12:59 PM
  1. This is easy! You're only worthy of back-up plan status... you're a third stringer.

    Maybe you're only relatively attractive and he can do much, much better... Maybe you're just lame in the sack and he's had much better sexual experiences elsewhere... Maybe, like many, you are severely lacking in the personality department, are a drag, or have a very lame, constricted sense of humor... Either way, the issue here is clearly YOU!!

    He's making it very obvious what you mean to him, you just don't want to pay attention because it's not what YOU were hoping for... Once again, inability to control what other people feel and how they act develops into a sad sense of entitlement of how someone SHOULD be treating you.

    Maybe try taking it down a few notches on the quality totem pole for the next guy... You could find someone who really digs your whole set-up and then you don't have to wish/hope that unreasonable changes will magically take effect!

    You're more than entitled to feel how YOU feel... just stop believing that everyone else has "the problem" when their wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings don't perfectly align to further compliment your existence.

    Posted by DJMcG August 27, 09 12:59 PM
  1. To answer your question, LW, the brain and heart should be in agreement. If they are in opposition, that tells you something isnt quite right.

    Posted by sexual chocolate August 27, 09 01:00 PM
  1. I don't think she's weak and needy. I think she's 24 and really likes this guy.

    I also don't think this guy is the worst jerk ever. But he's still a jerk for talking out of both sides of his mouth. When you know you don't want a relationship with the person you're dating, you don't waste your time and theirs by complimenting them/making them feel special/letting them think they have a chance with you.

    Bob, you admire his honesty. But he hasn't been as honest as possible; otherwise he would have let her go... directly, instead of playing the cad.

    Sure, at some point, she has a responsibility to herself to see that what she wants and what she's getting aren't matching up. But this guy has a responsibility not to create false hopes, lead his date on, and keep her around for a lark when he knows she likes him and wants more. I wonder why he's doing it; he probably likes the attention. But it should be making him feel bad that he's taking advantage of her. Six weeks is long enough to have decided that he's not interested and to set her loose.

    LW, since that hasn't happened, you have to do it yourself. There's no way around it. I'm sorry. Most of us have been there -- dating someone who isn't into us but keeps us around anyway. I've even had it the other way, and I'm not proud of myself for that behavior. I was young and dumb.

    Reconnect with your friends, and consider that you've dodged a bullet. Good luck to you!

    Posted by penelope August 27, 09 01:03 PM
  1. OK.
    How many people could have written this letter?
    Please raise your mouse-hand.

    Now, allow me to snap you on the fore-head for being a dope.
    6 WEEKS, people....6 weeks.
    This is not even a relationship. It's a hook-up. She just doesn't know it yet.

    Good Grief,

    Posted by DrK August 27, 09 01:03 PM
  1. Some advice for your next realtionship: Don't be so available and live your own life... guys like the pursuit. If he likes you, he will spend the time and energy to be with you. Being so available is a turn-off.

    Posted by JPeterman August 27, 09 01:04 PM
  1. You are SO the other woman!!!

    Posted by anon in cambridge August 27, 09 01:05 PM
  1. After six weeks, you are ASSUMING you are exclusive? I'm sorry, but I can't find a nicer way to say: you are delusional. It shouldn't be this much work if he is really into you. You really think this is the foundation for a loving partnership? Imagine where you'll be in six months: THE EXACT SAME BOAT. Six years? SAME. You get the picture.

    You are his booty call, that's all there is to it. I dated a guy in a situation like this -- we had fun for two months and then we moved on, no harm no foul. I think he is being VERY clear with you -- if not by his words then by his actions -- and you are just seeing what you want to see (the potential for a relationship). If you can't just be each other's back up booty call, then do yourself a favor and move on.

    Posted by move on August 27, 09 01:05 PM
  1. This guy may be no Prince Charming, but, he's being honest. Go see 500 Days of Summer to see how it turns out when you keep trying to make a relationship out of this mess. Walk away. He's telling you exactly what he wants, if you end up hurt months down the road you have no one to blame but yourself.

    Posted by 42 days down, 458 to go. August 27, 09 01:07 PM
  1. he's just not that into you.........move on.

    Posted by linda p August 27, 09 01:07 PM
  1. #86, the next week after a 7 month relationship.... Wow, I am sure all the critical women about this "jerk" would be critical if a guy exhibited this behavior. So many double standards it makes me sick sometimes.

    To all those talking about actions speaking more loudly than words, I don't see any difference in his actions and his words. They are integrated. It is just that his actions and words don't match what the LW wants him to be!

    Posted by sanity123 August 27, 09 01:08 PM
  1. No time to read all the responses today but let me throw a couple of other possibilities out. Do you think he has any issues with anxiety? I know someone very well who has a diagnosed anxiety disorder and it causes difficulty in making decisions in general. Even more nerves when she really likes someone. That doesn't make it easy for other people, but that's the way it is, and she is working on it. It helped to have the problem gently brought to her attention. Sometimes keeping plans low-key (e.g., "let's plan on a movie around 7 on Sat., we can decide which one Sat. morning") helps.
    The other Q I have is, does he have a chronic health condition? Sometimes such folks become nervous about making plans, in case they don't feel well on the day of the plan, If so, assuring them that you can be flexible can be reassuring.
    These ideas aside, this may be "being taken for granted" and/or the person just isn't that into you. I recommend the book "He's Just Not That into You" for further insight, e.g., someone who really wants to see you will go to the effort to do things like ask you out and plan ahead. If they don't, then read their behavior and be prepared to broaden your social life.

    Posted by Tuneful August 27, 09 01:08 PM

    He can sweet talk you all day, but when he doesn't actually DO anything kind or selfless, he's a d*ck.

    RUN RUN RUN now before you are in deeper with more feelings.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! August 27, 09 01:11 PM
  1. #5 is right on. In fact, I wonder if #5 is dating the same guy that I dated that did this same thing to me. Same situation and then I fell in love, and we spent almost as long breaking up as we did dating. It was heartbreaking, and almost made me miss out on dating the next guy...who is now my husband and would never, ever treat me the way that this guy is treating you.

    Your heart doesn't really want to be treated like this. Your heart wants something better.

    Posted by Angela August 27, 09 01:16 PM
  1. Oh, HLL, I totally feel for you. I've been there - spent 3 YEARS of my life with a guy like this. He never changed and I ended up with very little respect for myself when it was over. End it. Find someone who really wants to be with you. I know it will hurt but 6 weeks in it won't hurt nearly as badly as a few years from now, when you hate him and yourself.

    Best of luck. Someone great IS definitely out there for you!

    Posted by John was a jerk August 27, 09 01:22 PM
  1. He gets points for being honest in saying he doesn't want anything serious. However, he's still a jerk because he knows you want something more and he's still messing with you. That, or he's an idiot. Either way, he is NOT being nice.

    To quote (or paraphrase) a piece of advice: Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with those who are reckless with yours.

    Posted by OK Cupid Fan August 27, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Personally, I do not think the guy is a jerk or a con or a user. What he is being is honest and upfront as far as what he is or is not looking for in a relationship right now. 6 weeks into this and feeling serious and looking for a commitment on some level ...really? He has told you and you aren't listening. By being available for his last minute, nothing better on the horizon dates, you are cheapening your self worth. Pick yourself up, dust off your self esteem and let go. As others suggest; go out with friends, leave yourself open to meeting other men. When he calls and YOU are not available because you have plans...it might serve to make him either rethink whether he wants to see you again or you have mercifully and politely let him off the hook. G'luck!

    Posted by A Dingo Ate My Baby August 27, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Run! These guys are all the same. They wait, see what their guy friends are doing, see if an ex calls, if his mom needs her lawn mowed, if his boss needs him to work late. If none of that stuff comes up – then he’ll call you. you're last on the list. unless he wants a quickie -- then he'll make time to see you. sweetie, they don’t change. never stay in a relationship where you expect the guy to change, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Love 'em as he is – or don’t love 'em at all.

    And the advice about not making yourself available to sorta teach him a lesson??? Won’t work. Sure, for a week he’ll seem more interested, but I doubt it will have lasting effects.

    Posted by polly August 27, 09 01:24 PM
  1. I don't understand what exactly it is that your heart wants to give a shot to: throwing yourself at someone who is not making you a priority? He's a player, that's all there is to it. Get a grip.

    Posted by ronna August 27, 09 01:30 PM
  1. I remember dating a guy like this... I was actually dating two guys at the time, and I liked this guy, Guy #1, better than the other, but he did the same thing; no advance plans, all last-minute, played the no-commitment game with me. Fine. I was living a free-wheeling lifestyle at the time, and it suited me -- for a while. Then the relationship with Guy #2 blossomed and I made a choice. Guy #1 went ballistic when I made my choice - as in, "you done me wrong." Hey, what did you think I was going to do with all that free time?

    Guys like these, they want it all - do NOT give it to him. Meredith has it all right on this one. . I can tell you really want to be going out with someone otherwise you wouldn't be settling for this kind of treatment. You'll find Mr. Right someplace else. Make a move and be the one to end it - it'll be good for you.

    Posted by BirdieKate August 27, 09 01:31 PM
  1. PM, next time, read the letter. The guy probably does think she's amazing, he probably does like hanging around with her, likes spontaneous plans with her, etc. Consider what they are probably doing when they are together. I don't think him saying any of those things is dishonest. Do you? You know he's lying? Keep in mind, they've known each other for 6 weeks and have only had a few real dates? He told her A RELATIONSHIP IS A POSSIBILITY. Think about it. That means that he's telling her that right now it's not even a relationship. They hang out on short notice when he wants to.

    As others, including a hall of fame posting by DJMcG, have indicated, the problem is that he is not what SHE was hoping he'd be and he is not acting the way SHE wants him to. No more, no less.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer August 27, 09 01:32 PM
  1. I've been in this exact situation before. I wouldn't take it personally. He does like you, as he stated. It seems he is just nervous to actually make it "official" and wants to be 100% sure that you're worth the commitment (no offense). I had the same doubtful feelings as you, and about 3 months into our "non-relationship" I sort of gave an ultimatum. At that point, he knew that all the non-planning and ambiguous actions had to be discussed. We then decided to make it official. Looking back at our situation, two years ago, he admits he was just afraid of commitment and that it really had nothing to do with "me". We have been going strong now for 2 years and he's the sweetest guy i've been with. I just had to let him feel comfortable and ready. If I were you, I would ride it out for a few more weeks. Keep planning nights with him, stay optimistic, then if in 3 months - still no "official" talk, give the ultimatum. If he's interested, he'll stay for sure. If not, who cares - it was only 3 months!

    In the meantime, enjoy being in a "non-relationship". Go out with the girls, laugh, and enjoy being 24. If it's meant to be, it will be. Good luck :)

    Posted by RedSox Fan August 27, 09 01:36 PM
  1. Harsh comments directed to the reader! Some of you are insensitive.

    Hopelessly Lost in Limbo, you are a beautiful girl. Realise this and assert yourself! It sounds like he's done this before. I'm sure lots of girls have left him in the past for his wishy-washy ways. You won't be the first. He's being a coward by avoiding what is clearly dear to your heart.

    Take care!

    Posted by Valmay August 27, 09 01:38 PM
  1. I remember dating a guy like this... I was actually dating two guys at the time, and I liked this guy, Guy #1, better than the other, but he did the same thing; no advance plans, all last-minute, played the no-commitment game with me. Fine. I was living a free-wheeling lifestyle at the time, and it suited me -- for a while. Then the relationship with Guy #2 blossomed and I made a choice. Guy #1 went ballistic when I made my choice - as in, "you done me wrong." Hey, what did you think I was going to do with all that free time?

    Guys like these, they want it all - do NOT give it to him. Meredith has it all right on this one. . I can tell you really want to be going out with someone otherwise you wouldn't be settling for this kind of treatment. You'll find Mr. Right someplace else. Make a move and be the one to end it - it'll be good for you.

    Posted by BirdieKate August 27, 09 01:40 PM
  1. If this guy is a 34-year-old lawyer who moved up here from Washington, you need to run away from him as fast as you can. Change your phone number and e-mail address and see a doctor for STD testing. And ask Meredith for my e-mail address if you need help.

    Posted by Boston Paralegal August 27, 09 01:41 PM
  1. Oh gosh - from the jump I felt for you. My advice - tell him squat - he's not worthy of any more of your time/oxygen. Move on with your dignity intact. When time allows read or reread The Rules and He's Just Not that Into You.

    Posted by Maryro August 27, 09 01:44 PM
  1. Ok. I feel for this letter writer, so for once I will write a serious reply. Two words are missing from this guys statements. At the end of each one you should add "with you". He doesn't want to be serious (with you). He doesn't want to be tied down right now (with you). You get my point. I do this to women myself all the time. I can be a bit of a jerk, but inside I would love to meet "the one" and fall in love. I constantly meet women who aren't right for me but who are willing to do anything I want. While I am looking for the one, it is nice to have someone around to take care of my needs. But if I committed myself to one of them, I might not be available when the right woman comes along. So I tell these women, I'm
    not looking to commit, or be serious at this time. I say if you want to date me you have to accept that. They always do, but clearly most aren't happy with it. But the truth is it's just them that I don't want to be serious with. If I met the right girl. I'd be all for it. This guy will never be the one for you. I am sorry.

    Posted by Dumb Broad (not directed at you) August 27, 09 01:45 PM
  1. I'm interested in this particular letter because I'm notorious for doing the same thing (i.e "I never schedule plans in advance"). I did it a lot when my wife and I were still dating (now I don't have to worry about a schedule because she just tells me where I'm going which works for me).

    Truth be told, I decided to avoid making plans with ANYONE because I will either
    A) forget to go.
    B) forget and schedule more plans
    c) Have my usual run of bad-luck and have to cancel.

    There's nothing more agitating than repeatedly cancelling plans. Yes, in retrospect that may seem like sheer laziness, but I tried carrying around a daily planner with me and it's no use when you forget you even HAVE one.

    However, she is a very patient, independent woman who gave up yelling at me and understood that there was no ulterior motive, I was just an idiot. My wife has accepted that, and three years later we're still happily married.

    I suppose my point is: Don't just assume that the guy is a creep. He may just be stupid.

    Posted by Atticus Black August 27, 09 01:45 PM
  1. Like commenter 104, I can't find a nicer way to say: you are the kind of woman that gives all women the reputation for being insecure stalkers whose sole purpose in life is to pair up. This man has been painfully clear with you. He came to Boston to find himself. He doesnt want to be exclusive. He doesn't want to make plans. He doesn't even call you unless it's beneficial to him. How many different ways does he have to spell this out? He's not that into you.

    Get out. Run for the hills. Be your own person. Get back to your friends. Concentrate on you. Get a hobby. Join a gym...what ever. When the next guy comes along, he'll be enamored by your colorful life instead of freaked out that you sit by the phone waiting for his call 24/7.

    I'm sorry to be so blunt but when a man is ready, he is ready and not a minute sooner. You can't pressure him, poke, prod, or change him. Men have their own time lines and do not negotiate.

    Posted by anonymous August 27, 09 01:45 PM
  1. You can't expect him to make concrete plans with you if you don't even know whether or not you're exclusive. The reason you haven't asked is because you know the answer ("No") and you're afraid to hear it. I recently got out of a very long relationship in which I was afraid to ask certain questions (Do you see us having a future? Do you want to move in together?) because I knew deep down that the answers were not what I wanted to hear. Have a frank discussion with this guy, and then give him an ultimatum - it's all or nothing. You deserve better than this dud.

    Posted by moxiehart August 27, 09 01:46 PM
  1. This happened to me once. Or more than once. All the relationships ended up exploding in one way or another. If I guy won't commit to plans, he won't commit, period. He might be very sweet, but he's just not that into you, and possibly anyone. If you want more, RUN RUN RUN. Your brain is right in this case. Listen to Meredith.

    Posted by fooled twice, shame on me August 27, 09 01:53 PM
  1. I am reading this a bit differently, because he did say he would try do better at planning dates ahead of time, as a compromise if you agree to sloooowww down.

    I think you're falling into the trap of not asking hard questions, because you are afraid to hear the answers. You need work up the courage to ask him the following:

    1) Is he currently dating other people?
    2) If not currently, is he planning to?

    If he answers no to both those questions, then it is possible that you simply came along too soon. His life plan was to accomplish X,Y, Z before getting into a serious relationship. So your next question is:

    3) How long do you think it will take for you to "discover" yourself? 3 months? 6? a year? ten years?

    4) What is your timeframe for "discovering" yourself? (he just moved to a new city; perhaps he wants to land a job first, finish a degree, develop a social network of friends; explore his sexual orientation... who knows? ASK.)

    5) How will you know when you've "discovered" yourself? Your therapist says so? What? Really!

    6) What is your timeframe for getting into a serious relationship? Some people are very goal directed with life checklists that go in an order - they want to be financially settled, or finish a degree, etc - before searching for a committed relationship. Maybe he is one of those. ASK.

    After you hear all his answers, I suspect the advice i would give you is to tell him, "Good luck finding yourself. I'm going to go off and live my life while you do. If we continue to date - no matter how casual - I fear that I will suffocate any potential for a future relationship, and I don't want that. So I'd rather we part for now, and you can call me when you are ready. If I'm still available, we can give this another try."

    I actually delivered that exact same speech to a guy once, a guy who also wanted to "discover" himself, and he was dating no one else... he actually told me, "You're more emotionally mature than I am... I am not ready for someone like you, I need to work on myself." Sounds flattering, huh? I do think he meant it, but I delivered the above speech, then cut ALL contact, went on to live my life, etc. I was between relationships so I decided to look him up - 4 years later. He was very surprised to hear from me and immediately wanted to date. We did; it ultimately didn't work out for us... because I had grown even more during our time apart, and all his "discovering" was going in circles... he had stagnated. I finally could see what he was saying all along. I *am* too emotionally mature compared to him!

    Final anecodote for the day - to cheer up all of you who've BTDT:

    I am chuckling thinking about how I wasted my senior year in college on this one guy. So foolish! But he was so cute. All the gals had a crush on him, which only fueled my desire to be the one to "win" him. I cringe now.

    Flash forward 20 years later.... we reconnect again. I am happily married now - have lived a rich and full life with two teenagers. He is mid-40s bald, overweight, seems to have an alcohol problem, never been married, completely alone, and completely miserable. He has never had any relationship last more than 6 months, tops. He longs for a committed relationship, a family of his own. He fears that boat has passed him by. He recently said to me, "I was SUCH an idiot. Why did I let you go?" LOL... I feel sorry for him, I do... but still. And you know what? Even if I wasn't married, I would not be interested in him today. I've changed and grown. He hasn't. He's like that schmarmy, pathetic too-old guy at the bar, hitting on chicks way out of his league. And the worst part? He knows it.

    Posted by anecdotal evidence August 27, 09 01:56 PM
  1. #121 -- wow -- THIS JUST GOT INTERESTING!!!!!

    Posted by polly August 27, 09 02:06 PM
  1. Oh, when I was 24 (I'm now 43), I could have written this myself. Once in a while, I still have those days where I miss him terribly. However, a relationship has to work both ways. I couldn't stand not knowing why he wouldn't make plans with me except for one night a week. The more you think about this, the more it'll eat away at you. Bottom line: If he wanted a relationship with you, he would try to include you. Once I realized that, I was able to say goodbye and find a gentleman who WANTED to be with me. I've been happily married now for 10 years, and I wouldn't change a thing, because I learned so much about relationships and moving on. Your brain is telling you the right thing, and your emotions are holding you back. You deserve someone who will make the time to be with you. Don't be someone's "door prize." There's someone out there who will treat you like a queen. He even may be right under your nose! Good luck!

    Posted by Rider3 August 27, 09 02:07 PM
  1. LW writes: “but he truly is a very sweet, honest, and caring person. He tells me constantly how happy he is around me and how amazing I am, all common lines, I know, but I actually believe this one when he says it.”

    Uh, no. No he’s not. He is not a sweet, honest and caring person. If he was, he’d be more considerate of your time and your feelings. Telling you he’s happy and how amazing you are is what keeps you at his beck and call. You are not his toy to be put away whenever he’s done with you, you are a real person with real feelings.

    This does not make him a jerk. It just makes him who he is –and its neither a good or a bad thing…it just is. However, you clearly don’t like him as he is….and I cannot stress this enough: HE ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE FOR YOU. Clearly you are unhappy. He does these kinds of things to you because you let him. You’re going to end up with him as your only social life because pretty soon your friends will just stop asking you to go out with them.

    This is kind of a no-brainer: next time he calls and says, “what are you doing now?” say, “going out with my friends” or “staying home for an evening alone” – in other words, anything but NOT going out with him with a five-minute notice. The fact that this is an issue with only six weeks invested in the relationship pretty much says it all.

    Posted by Anonymous August 27, 09 02:08 PM
  1. Hey Limbo,
    i'm sorry to be harsh.... but respect yourself. what are you doing??? this guy probably has close to 2-3 other booty's he likes to call.

    drop this guy and find someone who actually cares about you and women in general.

    we'll just let pop culture strike again: "He's Just Not that into YOU"

    happiness is only a hairflip away.... you flip that hair girl and move on.

    Posted by itsahairflip August 27, 09 02:09 PM
  1. There needs to be a Haiku for this LW. Any subs for Valentino......Sally??

    Posted by Trueblue22 August 27, 09 02:13 PM
  1. Is he secretly engaged, have a different "girlfriend", or even married?

    Either way, if we truly wanted you he would find time & make plans. You know this.

    And as you also already know, time to move on.

    Posted by Alvin August 27, 09 02:15 PM
  1. Don't waste your time. Put the ball in his court. Define what you want "all in" or "not all al"l. Then tell him he has x amount of time(weeks to a mo or two no more) to make up his mind. Tell him you'll walk if he doesn't decide. You have to mean it though. You want all in, and if he doesn't you're both wasting your time.

    He may very well say no. Better to know after a few months than several years. There are other fish in the sea. Catch one that wants to be caught. Don't waste your time on the others throw them back.

    Posted by waste of time August 27, 09 02:20 PM
  1. To Hoss's point - he may be correct. I was thinking local gal pal but perhaps wifeypoo is in DC with the kiddoes, can't sell the house, maybe they need to be on RE Intervention and get Mike Aubrey's advice......

    Posted by Anonymous August 27, 09 02:22 PM
  1. Women tend to Tango before they’ve learned to Waltz!

    1-2-3, let’s begin….

    *****love at first sight*****
    Flirt with LATIN dance

    *****enjoy those first several weeks of infatuation*****
    Embrace as you WALTZ

    *****months later you’re loosening up and having much some fun*****
    Step it up with some SWING

    *****you’ve really gotten to know him & he’s not a creep*****
    Celebrate with a SAMBA

    *****he’s confused, he’s in love*****
    Time to TANGO and nail him to the wall.

    By this time he’s toast!
    How he got there, no clue.
    Something’s wrong!
    Neither brain knew.
    Thru the magic of dance.
    His heart’s been slew!

    Posted by marj August 27, 09 02:23 PM
  1. Plan B Haiku

    Don't explain a thing
    Simply don't answer the phone
    "Unravel" my a$$.

    Posted by In Valentino's Absence August 27, 09 02:24 PM
  1. I hope this won't sound harsh, but this is a lesson I learned when I was FIFTEEN. Never pass on making plans with friends to sit around waiting for a guy/girl who may or may not call. Live your life. You will be much better off in the long run if you just move on.
    Maybe he'll realize he misses you and start trying to make plans. Maybe he won't. Either way you will be enjoying life more if you're not waiting around for him to make plans and feeling bad about yourself when he doesn't.

    Posted by fram August 27, 09 02:25 PM
  1. I dated a guy that did this to me...I considered it a low point in my life as I always dated nice guys. You're not really into him--it's just that the less he gives you the more you want. It will make you maniacal. To continue to put up with this is disrespectful to yourself (and trust me, he doesn't have respect for you either). You've invested a lot but it'd be a heck of a lot better to get out NOW. You will cry and be upset but then you'll get over him, look back on it and say, "What the heck was I thinking?"
    Stop waiting for more of an excuse to end this. What he has been pulling is more than enough.

    Posted by Betttty August 27, 09 02:26 PM
  1. Rico is sad, byubba has stopped mentioning his name :(

    Rico suggests that since byubba pretty much copied Rico's words and posted as though she knows something that she should go ahead and give Rico his credit and make sure when you ask to ban him you use his name. That is spelled R-I-C-O

    Rico thinks it's time to get some letter writers that don't already know the answer. This LW knows the answer and was looking for sympathy. Sorry but if you knew the pot was hot then you should have worn a glove to grab it. Playing with fire will get you burnt...Did you at least use condoms since you are not the only girl he is sleeping with or possibly guys too.

    Rico thanks his friends and foes alike, love always,


    Got that byubba??? Rico will check back later to see whether you copy his latest post as well. Please spell Rico's name right, he is not just a guy speaking in third person, he is a legend.

    Bikes not bombs...

    Posted by Rico August 27, 09 02:27 PM
  1. Bob, I did read the letter. If he was honest, he wouldn't tell her how great she is and then disrespect her time. If he was truly a friend, he would treat her with more respect. Do you treat your friends this shabbily--call them ONLY last minute when there's nothing better to do? Anyone who does this fails as friends and as people. You'd have a point if he made plans with her ahead of time. Then I'd agree-sure, he likes you (because he treats you like he likes you), but he's not ready/willing for anything serious and you should move on if that's what you want.

    Yes, she's allowing him to do this--but he's grown and should know better than to act like an inconsiderate jackass. I don't see anything wrong with pointing out to the LW that she's wasting her time and energy on someone who's acting disrespectfully, and who isn't much of a friend at all. When I was in a casual relationship that the man wanted to take further, and I didn't, I ended it. I didn't play head games. It's called being a grownup.

    And to the posters complaining about how the reactions would be different if the genders were reversed--well, men are in the same position as the LW all the time. We've even seen some letters to that effect--guys complaining that women play games and don't appreciate nice guys like them (while male posters here advise the LW to play games).

    Posted by PM August 27, 09 02:35 PM
  1. You may be a really smart, sweet, beautiful girl, but right now, you are being pretty pathetic.

    Are you crazy? You're actually wasting your YOUNG life waiting around for some toolbag to call you instead of hanging out with your friends and meeting new people, one of which could be the kind of guy you're looking for?

    You really haven't invested much time in this guy and if I were you, I wouldn't give him a second thought when you ditch his sorry butt. 6 weeks is nothing to cry over. Don't invest anytime time pining after this loser and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

    And this may sound drastic, but you should consider seeing a counselor, because your self-esteem is obviously VERY low if you're still into this guy after the way he's been treating you. Really think about that. You deserve better and the counselor will give you the tools you need to realize that.

    Sorry for the harsh tone, but there are a lot of gals out there like you and it just frustrates me to no end because they put up with it. If less women would put up with it, guys wouldn't do it. Period.

    Posted by K the Great August 27, 09 02:39 PM
  1. Why, oh why, do we women do this to ourselves??? I cannot tell you how many times in my 20's I found myself in your exact situation. I wish if I said to you, you're beautiful, deserve better and WILL FIND BETTER, I could think you would believe me. But I didn't believe people when they told me. Some things you have to learn through experience, just... make sure you learn and don't let this keep happening to you!! I'm now married to a man I love who can't WAIT to see me all the time!! It's such a wonderful feeling, to have that be mutual.

    He might be a great catch... in 4 or 5 years. But now, he isn't. He just isn't. Go be 24 and discover YOUR self, date people, have fun. Don't ever sit in a situation in which you feel like sh*t!!!

    Posted by heatherv1211 August 27, 09 02:41 PM
  1. Where were the women I could treat like complete crap and have them begging for more when I was dating? It could have been fun to hang out with the guys or get some action whenever I wanted.

    LW, wake up -- you are rewarding poor behavior. This guy is a jerk. Move on.

    Posted by K August 27, 09 02:44 PM
  1. Flash forward 20 years later.... we reconnect again. I am happily married now - have lived a rich and full life with two teenagers. He is mid-40s bald, overweight, seems to have an alcohol problem, never been married, completely alone, and completely miserable. He has never had any relationship last more than 6 months, tops.
    Conceited much? Maybe this is your perception but that doesn't mean it's accurate. Could he see you with the same gray-colored classes?

    I wonder if he's blogging about you.....:
    "I ran into this woman I used to date in college. She got married only a few years after college, and boy does it show. She is mid-40s, has a gawd-awful color of hair that doesn't exist in the natural world, wears clothes that are far too young for her, and has been married to a nice-but-unmotivated guy for the past 20 years. She seemed like she wanted something new in her life, but doesn't know how to effect a change when she's married with two bratty teenagers at home. I feel sorry for her, but still, I am SO glad my life did not turn out exactly like hers. She's like that know-it-all woman that you run into at parties, making you look at picture after picture of her below average kids, and trying to pretend that her life is so great and that she would never be happy any other way. And the worst part? She knows that I know it."

    Posted by SingleCommuterWithBagel August 27, 09 02:46 PM
  1. Flash forward 20 years later.... we reconnect again. I am happily married now - have lived a rich and full life with two teenagers. He is mid-40s bald, overweight, seems to have an alcohol problem, never been married, completely alone, and completely miserable. He has never had any relationship last more than 6 months, tops.
    Conceited much? Maybe this is your perception but that doesn't mean it's accurate. Could he see you with the same gray-colored classes?

    I wonder if he's blogging about you.....:
    "I ran into this woman I used to date in college. She got married only a few years after college, and boy does it show. She is mid-40s, has a gawd-awful color of hair that doesn't exist in the natural world, wears clothes that are far too young for her, and has been married to a nice-but-unmotivated guy for the past 20 years. She seemed like she wanted something new in her life, but doesn't know how to effect a change when she's married with two bratty teenagers at home. I feel sorry for her, but still, I am SO glad my life did not turn out exactly like hers. She's like that know-it-all woman that you run into at parties, making you look at picture after picture of her below average kids, and trying to pretend that her life is so great and that she would never be happy any other way. And the worst part? She knows that I know it."

    Posted by SingleCommuterWithBagel August 27, 09 02:48 PM
  1. You're not this guy's main concern- not even high on the list. Do you want to be behind, GET CAR WASHED, and LISTEN TO TUNES? Find someone who's looking for the same thing you are. You're a convenience for this guy, nothing more. And you should strive to put all three together, not just two- mind, body, spirit. Then you'll be a force in your own life and others.

    Good luck.

    Posted by hippydippy August 27, 09 02:49 PM
  1. Carve out your own life, don't wait around for others, male or female. Listen to what he is telling you, at least he is honest about things. I once dated a guy that told me he was an a-hole when we started dating. I kept saying, no, no, no. I should have been running in the opposite direction. Just open the ears wide and listen.

    Posted by Been there, done that August 27, 09 02:50 PM
  1. LW: “It all started when the guy that I have been seeing for about 6 weeks now told me he had to see what was going to “unravel” for the weekend before we could see each other. This got me thinking (I’m a 24 year-old woman, I will agree I over-think things at times), why couldn’t he make plans with me before something else happened?”

    Honestly, there was little or no reason to read any more of the letter than this to know what was up. Dating for 6 weeks, non-exclusive, and she’s upset that he wants to play it by ear for an upcoming weekend….

    Barbed Wire was right. She’s needy.

    p.s. he’s been honest with her. He enjoys spontaneous times with her. Ok fine, maybe he pumped her up a bit with verbal bouquets during (or prior to) intimate times, but don’t get carried away with his level of commitment to her.

    The lonelies and miserables have turned this into a venting session about long-time boyfriends / husbands that have disappointed them, lied to them, strung them along, sawed off their home confinement ankle bracelets, found and removed the GPS tracking devices that were put on their cars, etc. Apples and oranges, folks.

    “Keep doing the same things and you should expect the same results”

    - Hoss (afternoon delight)

    Posted by Hoss August 27, 09 02:50 PM
  1. This is not LL worthy, not even a little bit. This is tee ball. But I'll bite because it's here.

    So let me get this straight: You've been "seeing" this guy for 6 weeks, as in 1 1/2 months, as in since mid-July (last month), you are both on entirely different pages, and you want advice ABOUT WHAT exactly? You don't need advice. You need to get trampled on because it's clear you have zero dating experience and need to have your heart and mind hardened up a bit before you're ready for a real one. eeeeegads, keep pestering him, staying blind and digging a deeper hole so that this easily avoidable heartache can become your first "lost true love". I've been there too. When I was 15 or so.

    Get a clue honey, if the writing on the wall were any clearer, you might actually have to take a step back to read it.

    Posted by Needadvice:Howtofoldmysocks? August 27, 09 02:53 PM
  1. Still dating the HS boyfriend letter gal, you reading this? See?! It is a battlefield.
    HLIL-chin up. Many of us have been in your shoes. The thing is, when you let go, you'll feel better Amazing how that happens. Let go for a bit.
    Stay as busy as possible. Have you see 500 Days of Summer? Rainy weekend ahead, good reason to go check it out. You may like it.

    Posted by pb August 27, 09 02:56 PM
  1. I read and post on this site occasionally, mostly b/c I think it is funny. I admit that is mean. But also, b/c I have a daughter that is 2 and 1/2 years old and I think to myself..... What do I want my daughter to learn while growing up. Especially about relationships. So I am going to reiterate a post from early on. And, Thank you to EastCoastGirl for giving a piece of knowledge that seems like common sense, needs to be said and maybe repeated several times during my daughters teenage years:


    I hope as a father I do a better job building my daughters self esteem and image than this LW's did for her. We all want to feel loved, but first we must love ourself in order to be able to accept or maybe even actually recognize love by others. Sorry LW, you have some personal work to do. Please do it outside of your current situation, it is not the one for you!

    Posted by BlameMe August 27, 09 02:56 PM
  1. I know I'm a relic of the 1970s, when love and sex were more carefree.

    And I understand why anyone might want exclusivity for the duration of a sexual relationship. People's emotions and egos are delicate, and there are new and more prevalent STDs around.

    But a lot of commenters on LL also seem to want major psychological commitment after 6 weeks.

    Every day commenters tell their life stories on LL - many include multiple marriages, repeated failed long-term relationships, offspring no longer living with both natural parents - in other words, lives that sound like train wrecks.

    Uh.....could there be a connection?

    Maybe people should try just hanging loose (to use a 1970s term) mentally for a while in their new relationships? Not get in so deep so soon?

    HLIL, please try that. Hang loose for a while with your guy. Then let us know what happens.

    Posted by TallGirl August 27, 09 02:57 PM
  1. Plan C Haiku (and apologies to Valentino, who I hope is having a perfect Honeymoon)

    I am your plaything
    Take me out of the toy chest
    Rats, party's over

    Posted by J Bar August 27, 09 03:13 PM
  1. You do realize that he goes out with you ONLY when there's nothing better to do, right? And that he's warm and cozy when he's with you ONLY because it beats being alone? It's very insulting to you, and I'm amazed that you tolerate it. He's a dream you're never going to catch, sweetheart. Move on.

    Posted by isntitobvious August 27, 09 03:17 PM
  1. You deserve to be a Plan A, not a Plan B, C or D or whatever. Listen to your brain and move on.

    Posted by BH August 27, 09 03:23 PM
  1. there is no relationship, it's been 6 weeks and you're just getting to know each other at this point. He doesn't want a relationship with you. he wants someone on stand by just in case his plans fall through.

    If you're okay with this then continue if not then leave for better pastures.

    I had a woman do this to me. I wanted a relationship but she wanted to see others, told me it wasn't a good time for a relationship, she had career goals etc.. Now I know to move on ..

    Posted by rick August 27, 09 03:31 PM
  1. My son told me to come back on to look at the comments I missed from earlier...
    #54 - Sally, We don't always see eye to eye, but I must also agree that your line about Thailand was funny too. I heard Laos and Vietnam also have some good brothels and tasty drugs too. Don't single out Thailand.
    #96 - Well said. Incredible choice of words.
    #98 - Never mind what Bob Dwyer said. You really brought the pain. That poor LW will be crying in her sleep because it'll be your comments that have violated her in the worst of ways.
    #101 - DrK striking out the falsehoods and deception that women mistkenly believe in relationships. Clearly the man has hit the nail on the head. Or rather, rope slap those dumb people that believe that real relationships occur within six weeks.
    #147 - between you and 98, it could very well be the posts of the week if not, the month. Legendary!
    #154 - Did you have a pet rock, TallGirl? Or Lite-Brite?

    Posted by Admiral Antgro August 27, 09 03:36 PM
  1. I'm too dumb to understand or appreciate Haikus.

    And regarding what TallGirl said about "hanging loose":

    In this day of instant communications, omnipresent information and relentless connectivity, life moves faster than ever. That has probably translated into relationships, which is why people can't just "hang loose". Nice quaint thought, though!

    Posted by Alvin Under a Palm Tree August 27, 09 03:44 PM
  1. Join something like OKCupid and date others. Keep this guy around and lessen your attachment to him. Get involved with other guys and since you're so young, find out what else is out there. You can fall for plenty of other people, so don't think it's rare when your heart gets into someone. Drama sometimes makes you more attached for some reason. So does sex.

    It's hard not to get batty over a guy, and the way I've always kept balance is to have more than one option & to let the strongest contender come out on top. Doesn't mean you sleep around- hell no- just date and flirt and have many guy friends.

    Men actually try harder when you aren't focusing on them so much. Be free. Smile. Get this load off your back and put yourself out there. He'll come around, or he won't, and if he doesn't then you'll already be with someone better for you.

    Guys don't like it when you're a big needy drag. They get ambivalent anyway & the best way around that is to back off, not to push.

    Posted by rosebud August 27, 09 03:46 PM
  1. #159 Admiral,

    I did have a pet rock, now that you mention it.

    I don't know what Lite-Brite is. I had a Lava Light, though. Mom threw it out after I went away to college. She kicked herself years later when it became a collector's item.

    Posted by TallGirl August 27, 09 03:50 PM
  1. Here's what happened: you guys slept together a couple of time, so you thought that meant you were going steady, but when you asked him for his varsity jacket, he said he doesn't want an actual relationship with you and now you "can't handle" the rude awakening that you were always Rizzo to him and never Sandy. You made a mistake. Wake up, sweetheart, your summer days have drifted away.

    Posted by pink lady August 27, 09 03:50 PM
  1. Did Rico seriously just call himself a legend??? I'm usually a big fan, but I think it cancels itself out if you are the one to give yourself such a title. Did Springsteen nickname himself "the Boss"???? I dont think I like it.

    Posted by SM1231 August 27, 09 03:57 PM
  1. Hey Hopeless
    Try some snooping...check out the websites he's visited, texts he's sent and emails he's received. If that doesn't get you the answers you need, move on to stalking.
    Good luck!

    Posted by Peeping Tom August 27, 09 03:59 PM
  1. If anyone is still reading, particularly the LW...
    YOU ARE A BLOW-UP DOLL WITH A PULSE. Nothing more. He takes you out to play when he can't find anything better to do. And you let him. Please grow up, grow a spine and get some self-respect. He's not all that great.

    Posted by urkiddinme August 27, 09 03:59 PM
  1. Here's an idea on how you can really get this figured out... listen carefully: next time you're at his place, wait for him to go the bathroom... soon thereafter he'll receive a text message and he'll then ask you to check his cellphone He'll be in there for a long time, so you'll have plenty of time to snoop. After you read through weeks of messages, you'll get the scoop on the other 6 girls he may or may not be makings plans with.

    Posted by JPeterman August 27, 09 04:05 PM
  1. Um, if you are this nuts after only 6 weeks into a relationship, are you really that surprised that this guy needs a little space? Perhaps the wedding magazines all over your apartment scared him away. Cut this guy some slack. Doesn't sound to me like he's the jerk.

    Posted by Harry August 27, 09 04:09 PM
  1. I'm going out on a limb here and guessing you're fat.

    Posted by Michael August 27, 09 04:11 PM
  1. Run do not walk out the door. If he is 'into' you (yuck what a nasty phrase) HE will follow. If he doesn't - now you know. At 24 (heck even at 44!) there are PLENTY of great people to be with - enjoy the opportunity to meet new people, have some fun and let THEM chase you. It feels wonderful and you deserve the best

    Posted by smartlady1962 August 27, 09 04:11 PM
  1. If someone REALLY wants to be with you they will do everything in their power to make it happen. Otherwise they will simply make up excuses why they cannot. Make yourself UNAVAILABLE to this guy and get on with life.

    Posted by you'rebetterthanthat August 27, 09 04:14 PM
  1. All I can say is run and run fast!! I was in this exact situation and it was almost a year before I got out . I told him I wanted to stop seeing him and he was begging and pleading for me to stay. Only wanted me when he knew he was losing me and couldn't have me. Your heart with be thankful in the long run!

    Posted by Elle August 27, 09 04:15 PM
  1. Women tend to Tango before they’ve learned to Waltz!

    1-2-3, let’s begin….

    *****love at first sight*****
    Flirt with LATIN dance

    *****enjoy those first several weeks of infatuation*****
    Embrace as you WALTZ

    *****months later you’re loosening up and having much some fun*****
    Step it up with some SWING

    *****you’ve really gotten to know him & he’s not a creep*****
    Celebrate with a SAMBA

    *****he’s confused, he’s in love*****
    Time to TANGO and nail him to the wall.

    By this time he’s toast!
    How he got there, no clue.
    Something’s wrong!
    Neither brain knew.
    Thru the magic of dance.
    His heart’s been slew!

    Posted by marj August 27, 09 04:22 PM
  1. i have friends that do the exact same thing and i know how aggravating it is. you invite them to do something and they say, "i don't know what i'm doing that day", which in my experience means, "if something better comes along i'm going to do that, if not, you might see me." my best advice is if you want to go out and your boy won't make plans then make other plans with your friends. then if he does call at the last minute you won't be sitting at home waiting (which is what he expects). i understand you want to see him and it will be hard to do at first, but you'll be happier in the long run this way and may find that you don't even miss him.

    Posted by T August 27, 09 04:26 PM
  1. Yeah, Marj (137 & 173) we already got it. It didn't bear repeating.

    Posted by anon August 27, 09 04:27 PM
  1. Here's an idea men hate commitment so girls should just deal with it. This doesn't mean that we don't like/love you we just don't want to get stuck going to dinner when we could have gone to the Pat's game. I feel like plans should be made for vacation or weddings but why make plans on monday that you'll go out friday? Not to say that anniversaries or special occasions should not be planned ahead, but friday night dinner doesn't need planning in advance, we'll just figure it out when we get there.

    Posted by Man's point of view August 27, 09 04:28 PM
  1. 24 year old kids are from 2 different worlds...

    you are just beginning to think about marriage, and he is still looking to get laid at the bell and hand

    it's over.

    Posted by tom August 27, 09 04:28 PM
  1. EASY ONE! When he calls for any last-minute plans, tell him you cannot because you made plans with some friends, etc. You are allowing him to take advantage of your good nature (and that is only the BEGINNING of this well-known pattern of who has 'High Status' and who has 'Low Status'). IF you allow him to keep control of YOUR life (as it relates to him) then you must blame yourself for your role in allowing his PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE behavior!

    After 3 or 4 times that his attempted last-minute "let's get together" does not work for him, then he must decide how important you are.


    Posted by fred J. August 27, 09 04:33 PM
  1. #169 Michael,

    Now now Michael, that was hitting below the belt. It's just as likely that her guy is fat. Unfortunately nowadays most people are overweight.

    (And no, you didn't hit a nerve with me. I'm 5'10 and 122 lbs.)

    Posted by TallGirl August 27, 09 04:35 PM
  1. Maybe you are wrong to expect that your boyfriend will want to spend 100% of his time with you. Perhaps you have control-obsession problems?

    Posted by D August 27, 09 04:52 PM
  1. DJMcG's post might #98 might have been missed by some (I skipped over it at first) because it started out a little harsh and rude, but its ulitmate message is perceptive. People are not "jerks" simply they do not share our own views and needs. This man simply has different needs than this woman has. He has not done a single thing that is even remotely deceptive, nor has he mistreated her. She simply wants him to be someone else. We make ourselves so unhappy by expecting the world (and the people in it) to be different than they actually are. The surest way to happiness is to simply accept what is. Find someone whose needs and outlook match your own.

    Posted by JC August 27, 09 04:58 PM
  1. "It’s as if he’s waiting for something better to come along before I can be considered as the back up plan."

    there, you answered your own queston..... find someone who wants to be with you and plans on it!!!

    Posted by clare August 27, 09 05:00 PM
  1. You need to follow the advice of most of the women around here...

    No man is ever worthy of you. You can always do so much better. You (every woman ever) are so beautiful and smart and talented and awesome. You don't deserve to put up with anything other than EXACTLY WHATEVER YOU WANT, etc., etc., etc..... {Insert: VOMIT & LAUGHTER}

    Somebody a little further up even had the insanity to bring the archaic: "Find someone who will treat you like a queen!"

    Wow. I can't possibly imagine why the divorce rate is through the roof. The majority of women have an extremely INFANTILE and PATHETIC view of life and what they believe they're OWED from it. Awww, what happened?? You grew up and realized that not everyone fawns over you like your Daddy did/does?? Life on the pedestal not quite what it once was?.....

    I wish I had half the audacity of most women in this society, in terms of what I can EXPECT others to provide for me. The level of happiness that I deserve others to toil and strive to provide me. Me, me, me. You ever notice how no man has expectations on what they're OWED from a woman?? Can you imagine ever hearing another man say -- "You don't deserve it bro, you're a KING and she should treat you like one!" We're just not egotistical enough to indulge that level of insanity...

    Most women are selfish, manipulative a$$holes who require far too much attention and energy drainage from the standard significant other. This is just a simple fact. You want to look at yourself as a prize or something to be fought for... It's why the majority of relationships will always be doomed to fail... The balance is out of whack from minute one. It all teeters on how long the man can possibly swallow it up and deal with her BS.

    For many, the "man" eventually becomes a lost cause. A trampled, tamed house cat that has been verbally and emotionally beaten into a mere shell of his former self. Congrats to all women who have been able to successfully transform your eunuch! These lifeless puppets are then labeled the "real men" by, go figure, the very women who berated them into such a sad state... how convenient!

    However, the majority of relationships find the crash and burn stage, as the woman can't possibly understand why the man stopped adhering to her demands and decrees, and the man laments the life he once had and wonders why she can't just shut the F up and ever be content...

    Funny enough, the majority of these relationships falter when the man sees that there are actually women who exist out there that are capable of reason. They're called the 10%-ers... Good luck finding the 10% of women who weren't raised to follow the above societal guidelines, who don't feel as though men owe them a debt of gratitude for merely existing...

    Relationship status will continue to plummet into the abyss as long as women continue the path of balancing progressive viewpoints with the inability to give up the more archaic concepts of pre-20th century man/woman relations. Until women stop helping themselves to the grab-bag buffet of archaic "princess trappings" and TRULY tune in to the new age, this is gonna be a looooooooooong descent...

    Yeah, yeah I know -- go ahead and let loose with your natural defense mechanism cries of "angry man / woman hater" BS. Anything to take the focus off the truth and deflect to something that's easy for you to appease yourself to. It's a typical cop-out to not having to digest any possibility that you contribute to "the issue"... But I have a whole slew of female friends and former relationships that would beg to differ with you on such nonsense. I have a GREAT relationship with my mother, my sister. I'm not who YOU want me to be... I'm not an outcast sitting in a bare basement, nor am I loathed by women anywhere. Quite the contrary, in fact. I'm sure my modest verbal skills will lend credence to the fact that I might not be a complete gorilla, no??

    I am simply a progressive man trying to understand how such unchecked selfishness and archaic ideals can continue to run wild with nobody saying a damn thing about it... I guess it just comes down to numbers. There are far too many mindless meatheads who are downright LUCKY to be with the women they're with. As long as there is a large contingency of skill-less lemmings who have no option but to sell out, there will be no reason to change. Just as long as women are happy settling. But there's a reason why most of the "good ones", the bulls, the alphas, the talented, the well-roundeds, etc. won't settle for merely being a whipping boy...

    I am simply a messenger of truth... somebody has to call you on it. I guess it had to be me. And to the 10%-ers -- apologies for the broad generalizations, but you know how it is out there!

    Posted by DJMcG August 27, 09 05:02 PM
  1. While this guy doesnt like you enough to date you, he does respect you enough to be honest with you. You need to do the same. Game playing is for kids. The next time he sends you one of those 'what are you doing this instant' texts, call him (don't text it! jeez!) and explain that while you have fun with him, and you really like hanging out, you know that you want more out of it than he does, and so you have to decline. This way, you listen to your brain, while also honoring your heart.

    Keep moving, an independent girl with confidence and a healthy single social life will attract many other guys who are more willing to make you their one and only.

    Posted by rw August 27, 09 05:07 PM
  1. Sweetheart....run, RUN FAR and FAST! Take a large step back from your situation, then think what advice you would give a friend in the same situation. It's always different when it's happening to us! However, the reality is..."he is just not that into you". Don't sweat it though...as great as he may seem to be, there is someone much more amazing out there that will be "that into you". Just think back to all of the hearts you've broken over time (perfectly great guys...that you just weren't into for whatever reason). We tend to make every excuse in the world for these guys, when the reality is crystal clear. You deserve someone who can not get enough of you, who wants to spend every free moment being with you, and show you how amazing you are. Don't settle....and who knows maybe if he stays amazing, finally gets his head out of an undisclosed location...you might still be available and willing to give it another go. BUT for now...RUN GIRL...far and fast!

    Posted by lil' shorty August 27, 09 05:17 PM
  1. #179 TallGirl

    Sorry....but I can be an A-Hole. It's just the first thought that came into my head. Sounds like she's lacking self esteem. I see it all the time and it drives me crazy. I have friends that are beautiful women and because 10 years ago they let some guy emotionally tool on them, they constantly put themselves down...CRAZY I tell you!!

    Posted by Michael August 27, 09 05:18 PM
  1. Run as fast as you can!! Immediately! This guy is a total loser. And before you date someone else work on your self esteem. Anyone who would put up with this needs serious help. And believe me! I have been there.

    Posted by say it like it is August 27, 09 05:28 PM
  1. Dearest DJMcG,

    You need to get laid. Perhaps you should hire a male prostitute who can cater to your va-jay-jay hating needs?

    Love always,
    K the Great

    Posted by K the Great August 27, 09 05:30 PM
  1. Wow, DJMcG. Bitter and lonely much? You are exhibit #1 in why a woman needs to kiss a lot of frogs before finding her prince. Go ahead and lay into me with all of your anger and frustration, but I am going to go home and hug my husband and thank him again for being a good, strong, honest man who was raised to believe that treating women well - ALL women - gets you a lifetime of happiness with a beautiful, successful, and devoted wife. He worships the ground I walk on and I do the same right back for him!

    (P.S. This is how normal people are - please keep observing us from afar, because you are poison.)

    Posted by content August 27, 09 05:34 PM
  1. DJMcG - I could write a very similar rant about men...i.e., most men are selfish a$$holes just looking for mommy to run their schedules so they can drink beer with their buddies, etc.

    My point is not that you're wrong - a lot of women are selfish and manipulative, and think that's the "empowered" way to be - only that 90% of men are jerks who only want to screw everything in sight until they're too old to keep it up long enough for the younger ladies. Then they suddenly want to "settle down".

    Who's more self-absorbed, men or women? My vote, neither - because it's not a gender thing.

    Posted by Cassandra August 27, 09 05:42 PM
  1. No. 68, SM, used the word "empowered"--one of my favorites. When I first learned the concept of not giving away my power, it really hit home with me. It is great for your self-esteem to realize that you are in control of what you do, and in this case, you are sitting around making yourself miserable because you have given away your power to someone else. As another writer said, after you take control, you won't have a problem doing it again. Go, girl!

    Posted by HoneyBee August 27, 09 05:54 PM
  1. Wow DJMcG - you really laid it on eh? I was fascinated reading your post (kind of like watching a car accident - unable to tear myself away even though I know that blood is imminent) when I got to your priceless line "I have a GREAT relationship with my mother, my sister". Is your mama also your sister? If so, you have an interesting Dad. But seriously what really strikes me about it is that you have NO female romantic relationships, at least current ones. You admit to former relationships and I have to wonder why none of them lasted. And while you are apparently quite impressed with your own erudition, I had to laugh when you pointed out your "modest verbal skills". Verbal? I can't hear you! I am afraid that you may be a modern example of natural selection. I am sorry that you have had such bad luck with women, but with your attitude....good luck to ya.

    Posted by J Bar August 27, 09 05:57 PM
  1. "Relationship status will continue to plummet into the abyss as long as women continue the path of balancing progressive viewpoints with the inability to give up the more archaic concepts of pre-20th century man/woman relations. Until women stop helping themselves to the grab-bag buffet of archaic "princess trappings" and TRULY tune in to the new age, this is gonna be a looooooooooong descent..."

    Wow. Yes.

    Posted by Yes August 27, 09 06:11 PM
  1. DJMcG-
    Awwwwww- bitter much?

    Posted by Laughing at YOU! August 27, 09 06:13 PM
  1. follow your heart but use your head. this is the best advice you will ever receive.

    Posted by foramor August 27, 09 06:16 PM
  1. DJMcG
    Here's a tip....try to keep it down to 10 lines or less.

    Posted by You're sooo played. August 27, 09 06:20 PM
  1. Dear 3rd person "guy", I did not read your post at all before I posted. Just like you never read Mer's advice at all even though this is HER COLUMN.

    the commenter that posted the other day is right. The 3rd person poster is in it to see their name in lights. yup.



    or if you prefer

    P-R-E-O-P T-R-A-N-N-Y

    Posted by byubba August 27, 09 09:55 PM
  1. # of time the 3rd person "guy" call themselves (split personalities count as more than one) a legend: 1

    # of times 3rd person "guy" calls byubba by name: 3

    # of times byubba calls 3rd person "guy" by name: ZERO

    # of times byubba calls 3rd person "guy" by the CORRECT name: Two


    Posted by RicoCounter August 27, 09 10:00 PM
  1. i have similar situation...my guy won't make plans on Saturday with me! He'll hang out on Friday, but not Saturday. At first it was kind of fun, however, Friday wasn't always convenient after a while, and guess what Saturday remained unavailable, so I wouldn't see him. I realized he wasn't that into me when he wouldn't move plans for me, as I would have moved ANYTHING for him. not making plans is not a good sign. i wish i knew why some of us girls put up with it.

    Posted by aem August 27, 09 10:01 PM
  1. DJMcG--Bitter, table for one!

    Indeed, how very unreasonable for a woman to expect a man to treat her with courtesy and respect. It's just so selfish.

    And the guys on this site whine about male bashing. Please.

    Posted by shutuploser August 27, 09 10:05 PM
  1. Silly girl, move on.

    Posted by Pook August 27, 09 10:14 PM
  1. DJMcG -
    I find bitterness in both men and women, but what is even more problematic is a lack of GRATITUDE! Perhaps you can start with gratitude that you are not in a relationship with a selfish or manipulative woman and for the life that you have. And for the women out there, how about you have gratitude for not being in a relationship with a selfish or manipulative man and for the life that you have.

    However, I believe that the PRINCESS complex combined with society's emasculation of men has resulted in unrealistic expectations of men and men are abused more and more in relationships by their women. Men like DJMcG are tired of it. I am as well. Bring on the 10% of both genders. Perhaps we'll find each other!

    Posted by sanity123 August 27, 09 11:10 PM
  1. Heart and Brain should always go along together. Once there is a disconnet - then there is a red flag. Listen to your brain - you DO know what to do.

    Posted by La Chica August 28, 09 12:32 AM
  1. DJMcG,

    Did you type that entirely with your left hand?

    Posted by pistbrod August 28, 09 07:04 AM
  1. "He does still have feelings for me"????? STILL??? After only 6 weeks. Either you are faking this letter, have not disclosed everything, are 16 not 24, masochistic, or just plain dumb. Last-minute guy is stringing you along and keeping you on the sidelines in case he can't do better. He sounds young, immature and just not ready to be in a regular dating pattern, at least not with you. Give yourself a break and let him go - keep your self-respect and get on with your life meeting eligible guys who would love to spend time with you and call you in advance to make sure you're not already busy. Please don't succumb to his nonsense.

    Posted by legalgal August 28, 09 07:41 AM
  1. LW--You're only 24, and there are so many other fish in the sea. Throw this one out. He's just ballast, and I don't want him sinking your ship.

    Posted by Big Sis August 28, 09 09:13 AM
  1. I kind of agree with DJMcG. But I mainly feel that these are the types of women that frequent these forums. Maybe they're bitter divorcees or have been scorned in relationships of the past. The double standard that I've seen through these forums are amazing and I can only laugh at them now. 90% of the men from the letters are dirtbags and 90% of the women from letter deserve better.

    I can only picture a girl snapping her fingers and saying " Nah uh! You can do better girlfriend"! That kind of sums up the comments from women on here.

    Shall I open the door for you my dear princess? Now go make me a sandwich while I watch the game. And pop out a couple babies while you're at it.

    Posted by gniyonna August 28, 09 09:17 AM
  1. Not only do you need to stop enabling this guy immediately- more importantly you need to do some work on figuring out your own behavior- if you don't, you will repeat the same pattern in the future. Why do you consistently accept being treated in ways that do not make you feel good about yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you feel that you deserve to be treated with respect? You want to understand the ways in which you want to be treated in any relationship- friends,lovers, co-workers and family. Consider this, if/when you choose to have children-will you have learned to embrace your own self-esteem enough to be able to set limits and elicit respect?

    Posted by CBAE August 28, 09 09:32 AM
  1. he has another girlfriend, or at least is banging a bunch of other people.

    Posted by Becca August 28, 09 09:46 AM
  1. Um... #183:
    "The majority of women have an extremely INFANTILE and PATHETIC view of life and what they believe they're OWED from it. Awww, what happened?? You grew up and realized that not everyone fawns over you like your Daddy did/does??"

    According to DJ, women should not expect to ever have what they want or be happy. They should just be under men's thumbs. That would make DJ happy. And make for a GREAT world. (insert sarcastic font here)

    "You ever notice how no man has expectations on what they're OWED from a woman?? Can you imagine ever hearing another man say -- "You don't deserve it bro, you're a KING and she should treat you like one!" We're just not egotistical enough to indulge that level of insanity..."

    LOL!!! This must be a joke... um, DJ, we don't have to "imagine" it, we can hear in EVERY CULTURE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET, including the streets of Boston. Men have ALWAYS said exactly this.

    Wake up and crawl out from under your self-righteous rock. Your an ignorant fool and your mother should be ashamed she raised you to be as you are. She must not have had much clue about what she was doing.

    Posted by barneythedog August 28, 09 10:04 AM
  1. I have to comment.. that your letter sort of made me furious.
    im going to be blunt. i apologize in advance.
    1. he has shown through both words AND actions that he doesn't really like you that much. he likes you enough to pass the time with. but he will NEVER commit to you.
    2. You know this deep inside yet you are acting PATHETIC. you are wasting your time.
    3. Maybe he could have liked you as he got to know you more. but the more pathetic you acted, waiting by the phone for him, letting him treat you like sht, all chances of that complete disintegrated. No person, guy or girl, wants for lack of a better word- a pathetic loser. you probably aren't a pathetic loser. but the way you act- waiting by the phone. letting him trounce all over your time. you've made yourself a loser and you have no one else to blame. You obviously don’t respect yourself enough. how do you expect a guy to?

    Posted by Linda August 28, 09 10:14 AM
  1. LOL J Bar!! (192) Well said. :)

    Posted by heatherv1211 August 28, 09 10:15 AM
  1. You're 24 and REALLY asking this question??

    Posted by ACK617 August 28, 09 10:16 AM
  1. To quote DJMcG "You ever notice how no man has expectations on what they're OWED from a woman??"

    Well, I didn't have to go farther than the last paragraph of post 207.

    Posted by DJMcG's mother August 28, 09 11:03 AM
  1. I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago (at the time I was also 24!) with I a guy I was trying to believe cared for me as a future girlfriend. After a couple of months, we had the conversation that he didn't want to be more than friends with benefits (in not so many words). I ended up accepting that and we went on like that for many months. I eventually ended things after meeting another guy from out of town who made me realize that other people are interested in me too and that I shouldn't be wasting my precious youth on idiots like him. It took me until then to realize that I was just with him because I didn't think I could do better. I chalk it up to life experience, I still see him via mutal friends, but I no longer have the feelings I once did - I'm much stronger for that. You should leave this guy high and dry.

    Posted by Allie August 28, 09 11:08 AM
  1. "But this guy has a responsibility not to create false hopes, lead his date on, and keep her around for a lark when he knows she likes him and wants more. I wonder why he's doing it; he probably likes the attention. But it should be making him feel bad that he's taking advantage of her. Six weeks is long enough to have decided that he's not interested and to set her loose."

    Oh boy...Only you can know for sure what you want and if you are contented with how he treats you, then continue on...but never ever put your life on hold for this guy when he has clearly not even bothered to ask you to be in an exclusive relationship with him. that is just not fair and really illogical. life is too short, enjoy it with or without this guy.

    Posted by Anna Lam August 28, 09 11:20 AM
  1. He sees you as someone who can be called up to fill a canceled appointment in his social calendar while you see yourself as ready to receive the engagement ring. You are moving too fast and are to blame for your own misery.

    Having said that, this guy is simply not interesting in having you in any serious relationship, ever. Leave him now.

    Next time when you do meet a guy who cares about you, please don't ask too much six weeks into dating. Take it slow. Even if a guy likes you (note: not love. No one should use the word "love" in a few weeks of dates), he may not be able to dive right in and abandon all his friends to make plans exclusively with you.

    Posted by TooFast August 28, 09 11:21 AM
  1. Oh girlfriend...run...run...RUN! No man is worth you losing your self-respect. You are obviously not top on his list of priorities and if you're not this early in the relationship, I doubt you ever will be. If you allow this to continue a whole world of possibilities will pass you by that you'll never be able to recover.

    Posted by Sue Waite-Langley August 28, 09 01:44 PM
  1. Learned from experience. If UR 2 available the interest WAINS. Give him until whichever day of the week you feel is reasonable for him to call you back to make plans for the weekend (most girls I know say Wednesday). Anything l8r say something like 'gee...sorry johnny, i didn't hear back from you and already have plans w/ ___________. If you wanna hangout, you gotta call me by _____________. It doesn't matter if it'll be you and the sofa and a pint of B&J, he has to know that you aren't a Desperate Doreen! OK?

    Posted by Chris August 28, 09 01:49 PM
  1. I know it's so hard to ignore what your heart is saying..or screaming sometimes!

    I'm not saying he's a bad person. I'm not even saying that he doesn't have feelings for you. But right now you have given him the perfect situation. He knows you'll be there whenever he feels like seeing you and when he doesn't..well he's made it clear that he's going to do whatever he feels like.

    My boyfriend, soon to be fiance, acted this way in the beginning of our relationship. I put up with it for 2 months, when one day I literally woke up in the morning and said to myself "enough." I was sick of living my life for someone else. Sick of waiting for him to call..passing up on fun opportunities with friends and family in the hopes that he might grace me with his presence.

    In my case, it drove him crazy when I backed off and within a week he was asking for a relationship..and a year and half later has never left my side. But if I had gone on with allowing him to rule the relationship with his own selfish wants..who knows where we'd be?? I might still be playing his selfish little game.

    To sum it up..you need to do your own thing. Be less available. Be busy and do things for yourself. You'll know pretty quickly whether he wants to stick around for real or whether he's truly "finding himself." Don't ever let a guy control your life..no matter how sweet or funny he may be.

    Posted by inloveinma August 29, 09 10:42 AM
  1. LW,

    I'm a little bummed that I missed posting on this letter when it still was a hot topic. Anyway here it goes...

    Actually you answered your own questions in this letter pretty early on: a) being with someone who won't make plans is making you stressed out & unhappy b) he doesn't want to commit and he's keeping his options open in case something/someone better comes along (that should give you all the answers you need.)

    I think it is really funny that people keep insisting that 24 y/o's are too young for being in a serious relationship. Well for some people it is and others not so much. The important thing is to know what YOU are looking for in a relationship. If you want to date someone who wants to make plans in advance, then look for that (not someone who wants to unravel & keep his options open.) Just remember you can't make someone feel the same way you do, no matter how much you try.

    Last, what Sanity123 said makes a whole lot of sense to me. Be grateful for what good things you are and have in your life. Spend some time realizing what makes you happy and you enjoy doing. A happy, fulfilled person is more fun to be around and with. Good luck!

    Posted by sundiego August 31, 09 12:25 PM
  1. Also, I don't think Ryan is a loser, more like a user (but I need to give him credit for being an honest user.) He has made himself completely clear about where he is coming from and the l/w isn't hearing him.

    P.S. DJMcG - there are some good points in your post and a few lines made me chuckle (yes, even though I'm a woman.) As someone else pointed out, I don't think that selfish and immature behavior is gender based. Their are plenty of a$$hats of both genders out there in the world. Plus I think your 10%er's to date is way low. I'd guess closer to 60% keepers and 40% toss backs (maybe you've just been unlucky in who you dated.)

    Posted by sundiego August 31, 09 12:42 PM
  1. How old is he? Because if you guys are really young, he is just immature, and may not be ready to settle. But if you guys are late 20's -30's...he is just an a$$. You need to show him that you dont need him in your life. Youre making yourself too available. guys dont like that. they like to try to go after what they cant have...

    to be honest, giving you advice just helped me give myself advice. so thanks. haha

    Posted by meeeeeeeeeesh September 8, 09 08:41 AM
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