< Back to front page Text size +

More than friends?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  August 10, 2009 09:32 AM

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

Happy Monday. There's confusion in Mudville. See below.

Q: Dear Meredith, I sincerely hope that you choose to answer my question, as I cannot ask anyone else to help me find the answer; not even the person whom the issue revolves around.

Almost a year ago, I met a very special individual with whom I had an instant connection. Let's call this person "Casey." I felt a palpable draw before we had even shared a conversation. Eventually, we gravitated towards each other and became inseparable. I trust Casey more than anyone in the world and I cannot picture my life without them. I am never happier than when we are sitting in the same room, even if it's in silence amongst friends. The truth is, Casey changed me; I am a better person because of them and when I am with them. As time has gone on, however, I feel an emotion which I am terribly afraid to confess -- love. We are talking selfless love here, not the sappy, shallow kind you find in teen movies. I believe that Casey is absolutely incredible, imperfections and all, because that is what makes Casey well, Casey.

Of course, anyone in their right mind (myself included!) would typically say, "Tell this person how you feel!" The problem? Not so fast. This person is not a member of the opposite sex.

I have been in love before -- with a member of the opposite sex. I have never been the kind of individual to even pretend to have such strong feelings for someone. Furthermore, homosexual tendencies are NOT common for me. Trust me, I would absolutely not be ashamed to admit it if that were the case.

The problem is, at times this feeling seems mutual. There are little instances that range from prolonged eye contact, to waking up to find Casey cozying up to me subconsciously while in a deep sleep.

As close friends do, we talk about members of the opposite sex and I know neither of us are faking it. My question is, however, could Casey possibly feel this same foreign confusion and emotion towards me?

My dilemma is that I hate keeping it locked up inside, yet I truly do not want to risk losing our friendship, for it means the world to me and I cannot picture my future without this person. The one thing I cannot figure out, however, is how exactly I would have that future if I were granted a wish to will it whatever way I desired. Would I choose to be vacationing with our separate families someday and cracking jokes about our respective spouses, or walking down the beach hand-in-hand? I honestly cannot figure it out.

As vague a question as this may seem -- what should I do?

-- Content but Curious

A: CBC, you win the prize for pronoun ambiguity. Well done.

Casey digs you and trusts you. He/she -- or “they,” as you put it -- is even sleeping in the same bed with you, apparently.

You say homosexual tendencies aren’t common for you, but “not common” is certainly not never. You want more from your same-sex friend. That’s OK. It happens.

I can’t say whether Casey reciprocates these feelings -- but I can say that he/she/they should be able to deal with the truth -- maybe not within minutes of you spilling the beans, but eventually. If it turns out that Casey feels the same way, you can navigate the weirdness together. If it turns out that Casey likes you as a pal, he/she/they will probably want to set new boundaries -- but that's probably what’s best for you, too. You signed your letter “Content,” but you’ve also said that “As time has gone on, however, I feel an emotion which I am terribly afraid to confess -- love.” I'm not so sure you're content at the moment.

Your friendship is bound to change, but all friendships do. I’m for disclosure. I’m for honesty. I’m for saying, “This might make you horribly uncomfortable, Casey, but sometimes I like you more than friends and I don't know what to do about it.” I’m giving Casey the benefit of the doubt. I’m hoping that if he/she/they is as wonderful as you say he/she/they is, you’ll either take a step forward romantically or figure out how to maintain the platonic friendship in a way that doesn’t mess with your head.

I vote for confession. Readers? Agree? Disagree? What should CBC do about mighty Casey? Share here. Twitter here. Letters to right.

-- Meredith

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

148 comments so far...
  1. You lost me at "them". Get over yourself and muster up the cajones to talk to Casey about how you feel. If you don't then you'll end up regretting not doing anything. What's better? A friendship where you keep wanting more or a worthwhile chance at being with someone you say is wonderful? You know what to do.

    Posted by DI$CO August 10, 09 10:03 AM
  1. I think the issue here is not your feelings/relationship with your friend, but your obvious sexual identity confusion.
    Get that straightend out first, then he/she/they can respond accordingly and view your relationship with the proper perspective.

    Good luck,

    Posted by DrK August 10, 09 10:07 AM
  1. Confess. The worst that can happen is you lose a good friend and the best that could happen is unbelievable happiness. It will most likely be somewhere in the middle, but you still have to try.

    Posted by Sabs August 10, 09 10:07 AM
  1. Awwww. This is so awkward! I'm all for laying the cards on the table and letting Casey know the truth. You can be very casual about the whole thing, but as long as you're honest, Casey will understand. You both may even look back and giggle about the whole thing at a later time - either in bed together or out for drinks some night. You never know. The one thing you have to do is to confront the situation - don't let it go.

    Good luck.

    Posted by HeartTOHeart August 10, 09 10:08 AM
  1. Ugh ... tortured memories. I had the exact same thing happen to me. By the way, why are you waking up next to Casey? Sounds to me as if the feeling is mutual. I vote for Mer's suggestion to fess up.

    Posted by Takes me way back August 10, 09 10:10 AM
  1. Using the word "curious" and that you'd even entertain the thought means that you'd hop the fence, switch teams, you're bi, or homosexual.

    Posted by Flash August 10, 09 10:12 AM
  1. First off, I don’t get why LW goes to such lengths to obscure the gender. I just don’t. It’s an anonymous blog and you want the best advice possible, right?!?! What’s the point in blurring the gender? There is a trend amongst LWs to withhold information. Why? Was it worth it to LW to spend the time selecting a somewhat gender neutral name, changing pronouns to “them”, re-reading, etc.? What a waste of time! I don’t care what anyone else here says, the fact is that the advice given will need to be different if it’s males or females.

    That being said, for the sake of my advice, I’m going to pick one gender. I think we’re talking dudes here and I don’t think LW needs to have a big speech prepared. From the way he describes it, it’s already out of the bag in terms of sexual tension and mutual admiration. The next time Casey makes goo-goo eyes at LW from across the room whilst you two are sipping zimas, or the next time Casey snuggles up to you and nuzzles you while supposedly in a deep sleep, make a move. See what happens.

    More importantly than that, LW needs to deal with accepting who he is. Too much effort is spent describing how he’s not usually like this, he has dated members of the opposite sex, etc. Just be yourself and accept that your gay. It’s not my bag and I don’t understand it, but to each his own. Be comfortable in your own skin and stop suppressing yourself. Life’s difficult enough without carrying on some elaborate charade. If Casey gets offended and kicks LW in the crotch, then at least LW will know that his gaydar needs more calibrating. If Casey is anything like the way he’s been described, I don’t think he’ll be that mad if LW assumes he’s a homosexual. I would think Casey has had that assumption made about him many times previously.

    That’s all the time we’ve got for today.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss August 10, 09 10:12 AM
  1. i think you should look your best around this person get EXTREMELY close to his/her face, in a dark , romantic room and if he/she kisses you...there's your answer.

    Posted by korriv August 10, 09 10:13 AM
  1. Have you looked for a Bisexuals support group on the Internet or elsewhere? They might have tips on how you could handle a situation like this.

    Posted by TallGirl August 10, 09 10:13 AM
  1. be honest with yourselve whatever you decide, listen to your heart.

    Posted by julie August 10, 09 10:15 AM
  1. First of all, get over yourself. We could all see your oh-so-shocking "revelation" coming the moment you used "them," which no one on earth uses for the singular unless they are trying to disguise the person's sex. It strikes me that you are enjoying the drama of this dilemma a little too much.
    Step back and really look at what you want. If you haven't been gay in the past and you're attracted to the opposite sex then wouldn't you be happier with an opposite sex partner and keeping your friendship with Casey? There's no reason you can't have both. But if you do pursue a relationship with Casey and you both remain attracted to the opposite sex, it could make it pretty difficult for your relationship to continue, which might make the friendship impossible to continue. Really consider if this is worth it - all close friendships don't have to be taken to a sexual level to be fulfilling.

    Posted by Sharon August 10, 09 10:24 AM
  1. Oh dear. If you profess your feelings, maybe a letter would be best? Even if Casey IS into you, he/she might have a poor initial reaction, just from the shock of the topic actually being broached.

    Also...are you sure this is romantic love? We're locked down by our one word for "love" in the English language...I echo the person who suggested establishing your sexual identity first. Are there sexual feelings on your end toward Casey? Or are you feeling a deep love within the bounds of friendship?

    Posted by emmj August 10, 09 10:26 AM
  1. I think you need to get your own sexual identity figured out. I’m confused why you’re hiding both your & “casey’s” gender. all the “them/they” talk is weird. are you male or female? seems odd to me. The fact that you’re so secretive about stuff in an anonymous blog, makes me think you're ashamed/embarrassed about something. Sweetie, if your gay, your gay, embrace it & be happy, whether its w/ “casey” or someone else. Life is too short.

    Posted by polly August 10, 09 10:29 AM
  1. they!...you stink..get over it...get real

    Posted by Anonymous August 10, 09 10:29 AM
  1. Rico had an amazing weekend, filled with good weither, family and friends...did everyone get out and enjoy it?

    Rico suggests to this writer to write back in and tell us more information and what gender you and this person are. Rico assumes female but hates to assume. Your age would be helpful and your history of homo/hetero relationships too. Until then, Rico is off to enjoy a wonderful sticky hot day...After work of course.

    Love always,


    Gears not Gas

    Stay cool, it's a scorcher out there!!!

    Posted by Rico August 10, 09 10:30 AM
  1. I would hazard a guess the Casey has similar feelings toward you. I generally don't (read -'NEVER!') end up in bed with my friends. Do YOU end up in bed with your other hetero friends? I would hazard a guess that there are some mutual feelings there. You and Casey talk about attraction to the opposite sex, why not gently broach the topic of your mutual attraction. If you are uncomfortable, start with the hypothetical 'friend who fell for their best friend story' and see where it goes. Be true to who you are and be happy that you live in Massachusetts where you can get married to Casey when the time is right.

    Posted by Love's Labours Lost August 10, 09 10:36 AM
  1. What Hoss said.

    Posted by EastCoastGirl August 10, 09 10:37 AM
  1. How about a modified version of Hoss's advice - the next time Casey makes goo-goo eyes or snuggles up to you say something like "are we going beyond friendship here?" Then see where the conversation goes.

    Posted by Anonymous August 10, 09 10:41 AM
  1. Mer's advice is good and Hoss nailed it totally.

    Posted by JBar August 10, 09 10:42 AM
  1. I need to know you are a girl or guy beforeforming an educated opinion

    Posted by Josh August 10, 09 10:50 AM
  1. I disagree with the commenters who think you need to figure out your sexual orientation before you do anything else - your "confusion" only arose in the context of this friendship, and it's only this one relationship that needs to be dealt with. Loving someone of the same sex doesn't make you gay, bi, whatever, unless it's important to you to define yourself that way. I agree with Meredith that you should talk about it. Although it feels different to you because Casey is a same-sex friend, it can be dealt with in the same way as developing feelings for an opposite-sex friend, which happens all the time. I've successfully maintained lots of friendships where the romantic feelings were not reciprocated.

    Posted by m&m August 10, 09 10:51 AM
  1. Gender is everything here since there is an inherent bias. Crossing the male-male line is way more treacherous than the female-female line, anyone who suggests otherwise is a fool. That being said, put up or shut up unless your work relationships may be affected too. Maybe checking out the bi- options listed makes sense...

    Posted by Darwin August 10, 09 10:54 AM
  1. Clarify this: do you deeply desire SEX with "Casey" or is it just that you feel all mushy and happy inside over your friendship? If the first, then you need to admit that both to yourself and (eventually) to her/ him.
    If it's about the sweet, caring, lovey-dovey feelings, maybe you just really LOVE your friend. My friends and I often exchange cards at birthdays, etc where we say, I love you, I'm so happy to be your friend, you make me a better person. I'm married and heterosexual, but I love my friends and tell them so. That's not unusual in female-female friendships..probably less common in male-male but why not there too?
    So, before you say much, take time to clarify. I think deciding whether the sex is a major factor here, or just warm and fuzzy feelings, will help you figure it out.

    Posted by Different Forms of Love August 10, 09 10:55 AM
  1. I'm going to assume female just for the sake of the argument so I won't have to use them. I had these thoughts one time about a close friend. we were so close and in sync, had so many laughs together, and really enjoyed each others friendship, more so than I had felt with my other girl friends. I had a thought, could I possibly like her more than a friend? It seemed so much like love. I pictured doing more with her than just handholding or kissing, and could not picture us ever being sexual. But it helped me realize that I did love her, just as a friend and deeper than I had experienced a friendship love before.

    Posted by marnie August 10, 09 10:57 AM
  1. "There is a trend amongst LWs to withhold information."

    That's because withholding bits of information makes it easier to get the response you want to hear.

    With all the ambiguity, it's hard to tell what's going on other than someone likes a member of the same sex. Even the name of the involved party was chosen to be ambiguous. I feel like I've just watched a "Pat" skit from Saturday Night Live.

    It's hard to give advice when the LW has gone through such lengths to mask the truth. Next letter, please.

    Posted by Schlippo August 10, 09 10:59 AM
  1. "Would I choose to be vacationing with our separate families someday and cracking jokes about our respective spouses, or walking down the beach hand-in-hand"

    How about option C... leaving your spouse once or twice a year to go on a "fishing" trip in the mountains with Casey....

    Posted by anecdotal evidence August 10, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Give me a break, what's with all the dissembling about the pronoun? This is possibly the most annoying letter ever. No one's impressed with your big reveal. It's 2009, we've heard of same sex relationships before. If you want help from the LL readers, you need to give us the information straight up. If you want to play games, go someplace else, please.

    Having said that, you have issues. You sleep in the same bed with this person but you can't tell him/her how you feel? What's that about? I think you are covering up that you guys have been fooling around and you feel weird about that.

    Posted by move on August 10, 09 11:01 AM
  1. Meredith gave the right advice. One other thought though--it can take us gay folks quite a long time and a lot of work to understand how our own negative beliefs about gay relationships effect our same-sex relationships. We can make some pretty serious mistakes in the beginning. It is a really good idea to explore some of the great self-help resources out there--and maybe even talk a little with a gay-friendly counselor if you can do that.

    Posted by Anonymous August 10, 09 11:02 AM
  1. My guess here: female. Unless, of course, Casey is already out of the closet. No straight male would be caught dead sleeping next to a straight male friend.

    Is Casey a homosexual? Has there ever been mention of an incident of kissing another girl, or thinking about it? There seems to be a lot of confusion here. Is there also a lust toward Casey?

    Bottom line: if it will put you at ease to say something, then say it. Just make it clear that you want to remain friends regardless. If you can keep it inside and get over this feeling, then don't jepordize the friendship. Whatever will let you sleep at night.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! August 10, 09 11:04 AM
  1. Gender is everything here since there is an inherent bias. Crossing the male-male line is way more treacherous than the female-female line, anyone who suggests otherwise is a fool. That being said, put up or shut up unless your work relationships may be affected too. Maybe checking out the bi- options listed makes sense...

    Posted by Darwin August 10, 09 11:05 AM
  1. Whoooaaa Monday. I'm confused with this. While I understand the awkwardness of it all and why you may want to keep it as unspecific as possible, I'm going to agree with Hoss and say I think gender is an important detail here. The reason being because I think it is more common for girls to have same bed sleepovers with no sexual intent. Do guys do this? Maybe you do, but I'm thinking you don't. If two guys are sharing a bed, I'm thinking that there may be something to it? I'm just speculating, but I'm thinking if Casey is male and in your bed there may be some mutual interest there. If Casey is female, sexual interest is still possible but I think there is more room for you to misinterpret the situation, only because it is more common for girls to sleep in the same bed. In both cases, I say bring up the situation. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    And "prolonged eye contact"? Frankly, I'm a little uncomfortable just reading that line nevermind being in the situation. Never heard someone say it like that before.... strange.

    Posted by Kathleen August 10, 09 11:06 AM
  1. First, ignore Rico. Second. BAN RICO.

    Third, tremendously difficult situation. I will run the risk of violent replies but IMHO gender does matter here. Specifically, if male/male and you are already sleeping in the same bed it's pretty clear there may be mutual attraction...as hetero males typically go to great lengths to not sleep in the same bed unless it's on a vacation and its all in a group room, etc. Female/Female less so. Can be typical for friends to sleep over and sleep in the same bed at times ( a queen or larger, we're not talking a twin bed here. So the problem is, if its male/male and you express your feelings and he's hetero, large chance you can say bye bye to the relationship. Hetero guys get freaked out by that. If girl /girl, much less chance. Girls do not seem as freaked about that in general. more likely you get a response "'it's flattering". Either way, once someone is asleep, assuming they have feelings because they snuggled up unconsciously is just wrong. yes they COULD have done that on purpose but when you are sleeping it could just simply be a reaction to having A person next to you. For example, what if you guys were totally drunk? Even more so it could not "mean" anything.

    So what am I advising? I think you should feel it out a bit more. Try to find some way to get a signal. Maybe day trip somewhere that might put the thoughts in the others head and gauge their reaction.

    Gas not gears. Get 'em(Rico) with the door. Increase your carbon footprint.

    Posted by Byubba August 10, 09 11:07 AM
  1. You are a walking contradiction!

    "homosexual tendencies are NOT common for me."

    So, let me get this straight. Homosexual tendencies are NOT common for you, but you have dated members of the same sex. The feelings may not surface on a regular basis, but if you have them you have them. No need for the big “NOT” That just means you’re ARE afraid to admit something.

    “Trust me, I would absolutely not be ashamed to admit it if that were the case.”

    OK, so, you want us to “trust” you but you can’t even work up the courage to disclose your gender? I am going to guess you are female. I think gay/bi men are much more forward with their feelings.

    Second, you later mention

    “As close friends do, we talk about members of the opposite sex and I know neither of us are faking it. My question is, however, could Casey possibly feel this same foreign confusion and emotion towards me?”

    Well, here’s a though Einstein, ever think about talking about members of the SAME sex? Just to see how Casey feels? I mean… DUH???

    Posted by Just some squirrel August 10, 09 11:10 AM
  1. Better to have the conversation with Casey before the two of you get tipsy and end up doing something that then puts you both in a very awkward position. Since you're already sleeping together (per your letter) this could easily happen.

    Posted by heatherv1211 August 10, 09 11:11 AM
  1. If you are male and you are waking up in bed next to "them" then Shecky thinks you AND "them" are GAY. GETOVERIT and move on.


    Posted by Shecky28 August 10, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Love is strange, there is no rulebook or right and wrong. I know you are worried that if you make a move you might lose the friend, and you might, but as someone wiser than I said it is better to regret the things you did do than the things you didn't...

    Posted by techdood August 10, 09 11:20 AM
  1. This is garbage.

    If it's guys, then you would know what's up when Casey was snuggling you in bed. Right? Plus, there's no such thing as a bi male. You are either gay or not. Sometimes the former become so conflicted that they occassionally seek out femaies to compensate. If you are gay, then be gay with Casey and stop crossing the border to complicate the lives of all us straights, disease-wise, and otherwise..

    If it's girls, then there's nothing wrong with trying to advance the friendship to a new level. Doesn't mean you are lesbian. Just means you are very close and comfortable with each other and there sure sounds like a lot of potential for more bonding. There is clearly not as much risk in trying to advance it, so calm down.

    Posted by Hadie Nuff August 10, 09 11:22 AM
  1. Yes, the whole "they/them" thing is super lame. I'm going to assume these are females, as I cannot even imagine hetero dudes cuddling. Perhaps instead of revealing your feelings for Casey, you could sort of gauge her thoughts on homosexuality first. I mean, if you guys are super close, you should be able to disclose your...curiosity about same-sex relationships. See where it goes from there. If she's totally grossed out and quickly changes the subject, well, you know it's time to bury your feelings and never mention it again. But if you sense she's comfortable with the idea or even confesses that she's had the same feelings, then you can pursue it a bit further without the fear that you will utterly alienate her.

    Posted by Rae August 10, 09 11:22 AM
  1. So you are bisexual, which means you fall in love with the person regardless of their apparatus. We know you are not homosexual, because you've already been in love with a member of the opposite sex.

    Here is what you need to figure out next: would you be ashamed to walk hand-and-hand down that beach with Casey? I know you say you would not be ashamed, but if that were true, I suspect you'd have already confessed to Casey and you wouldn't have written this letter. You would have said, with confidence, "This is how I feel - but if you don't reciprocate, that's cool too."

    I suspect that Casey is also bi, and hesitates because he/she knows that you are not the type to live in an open homosexual relationship. You might *want* to, for Casey. But maybe Casey knows you'd give it a shot, and then it would destroy your relationship because you ultimately just couldn't do it. You'd be playing at the game only. It would be an experiment then you would go back to your own team.

    Why do I know this? Because your letter reaks of homophobia. It's okay for others, hey you're P.C. and all that - but you've NEVER had any homosexual thoughts. I think you'd give it your best shot for Casey but in the end, Casey would get short-shifted here.

    I have seen it with too many couples, in which the "never had a homosexual thought in my life - until I fell in love with you" partner never becomes fully comfortable out and about living in the public eye with their lover. The worst thing you can do for one you love is harbor any shred of shame. And THIS is one of the reasons why so many in the homosexual community do not like bisexuals and the bicurious.

    So if you insist you would not be ashamed, then speak up and confess your feelings to Casey. Until you can do that, you ARE harboring some shameful feelings in there somewhere.

    Now if Casey someday makes the first move, then Casey needs to bear the responsiblity for any hurt and pain you cause him/her down the line with your little experiment. But if you make the first move, you had better be 100% sure first that you are going into this without any shame at all. You would have zero problems introducing Casey as your partner to your friends, your family, etc. Think long and hard about that. I suspect you will ultimately find this thought more uncomfortable than actually broaching the subject to Casey.

    Posted by anecodotal evidence August 10, 09 11:25 AM
  1. My guess: Casey is a dog. Thus the cozying up in bed and the silence, and the google-eyes. Listen, it happens to the best of us. I used to call my brother's golden retriever my boyfriend. We'd wrestle around on the floor together and for a while, I thought, hell, this is about as good as it can get! Actually, with the male selection out there being what it is, it was about all I was gonna get. But, alas, the dog started humping a mutt across the street, and it was soon over. Even if the dog was female, I think it would have ended the same way.

    CBC, love stinks, especially when it rolls around in pooh, but do you really want to walk around the rest of your dog's life wondering what it would have been to jump his/her bone? No. Go fetch. Good boy/girl.

    Posted by Sally August 10, 09 11:30 AM
  1. FWIW: Mere tipped us off to the gender with the "Mudville" reference in her intro to the letter. Mudville via the Hershey Highway, speeding up exit ramps, etc. We're talkin' dudes here people.

    ** d-chills **

    Next letter, please! Quickly....

    Posted by Bob Dwyer August 10, 09 11:32 AM
  1. Seriously this is a love letter? I'm suffering withdrawals from real issues...

    That said - Gender plays a huge role in determining the appropriate advice, as so many commenters have already posted.
    1) If you're a male, you already have your answer. Trust the posters on that one - I've got four brothers, one stepson, one husband, lots of male gay friends. Only the gay ones have shared beds with a member of the same sex.
    2) If you're a female, I'm with "Just Some Squirrel" - make it specific to same sex and see what happens.


    Posted by big dummy August 10, 09 11:36 AM
  1. www.biresource.net/ - bisexual resource center url.

    Lots of information there. You are not a freak and you are not alone. Sexuality is fluid (no pun intended) and can shift over time and in different situations.

    I wouldn't bother getting my advice from here, where there are some people who don't bother even reading your whole letter before they respond...

    Posted by Knotdefined August 10, 09 11:36 AM
  1. Seriously this is a love letter? I'm suffering withdrawals from real issues...

    That said - Gender plays a huge role in determining the appropriate advice, as so many commenters have already posted.
    1) If you're a male, you already have your answer. Trust the posters on that one - I've got four brothers, one stepson, one husband, lots of male gay friends. Only the gay ones have shared beds with a member of the same sex.
    2) If you're a female, I'm with "Just Some Squirrel" - make it specific to same sex and see what happens.


    Posted by big dummy August 10, 09 11:37 AM
  1. What a waste of time.

    Posted by Bruno August 10, 09 11:38 AM
  1. Next time you and Casey are together, go for a walk alone and tell him/her that you've been really enjoying being with them, in fact always looking forward to your time together. Then proceed to take your conversation to the next level, which would look something like this: I find myself having feelings for you that I've never had with anyone else". If Casey hasn't fallen over yet, you should get your answer, one way or the other.
    Forget the labels: homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual. Love is the language of the heart and knows no boundaries.
    If Casey feels likewise, you two will work out the details, somehow.

    Posted by exvermonter August 10, 09 11:41 AM
  1. It's easy to say "Eh, just go for it and fess up!" but it's so much more complicated sometimes.

    I came out to my presumably straight friend, with whom I was in love all during college, and confessed my feelings for him, though I wasn't seeking that my feelings be reciprocated - I just wanted us to be up front and honest in our friendship. Well, after that, the sexual innuendo between us ensued, as always, and he eventually married and had a little girl...but I was never very popular with the girlfriends and the wives AFTER they found out from Jack that I had always been in love with him (I always suspected the women were on to Jack's apparent bisexuality...something I, too, suspected over the years). The very fact put a strange element in our friendship, and eventually, perhaps inevitably, we withdrew and grew apart. He is no longer in my life.

    My point. There sometimes IS quite a bit to lose by confessing.

    Posted by Brett August 10, 09 11:43 AM
  1. In the past I've sometimes wished the LW would obscure the gender to avoid bias in the responses. (Particularly, in cases where the letter involves a conflict in a relationship and people are apt to choose sides based on their own gender). In this case, as others have pointed out, gender is important. Hetero guys very rarely sleep in the same bed, so I am guessing you and your friend are female. I don't think you would alienate a female friend the same way you might alienate a male friend just by admitting you have feelings for them. The risk of her freaking out is minimal (which isn't the case if you are both guys). There is still a risk to the friendship, but that is always the case when one tries to take a friendship to another level (regardless of the genders involved).

    If I am wrong and you are a guy, then by sleeping the in the same bed, you've already crossed a line of intimacy that few hetero guys would. I think you are already making moves on each other, so I don't think you are at risk by taking the next step.

    I don't think it's important to figure out whether you are straight or gay. For some reason you are attracted to this person, and that's that. If attraction is based on more than then just the physical, why shouldn't you be attracted to someone who is physically different that what you are normally attracted to? What you do have to figure out, though, is how comfortable you will be in this relationship since it'll be so different than your past relationships. Some people will label you, and you will have to deal with that. From your letter, it sounds this could be a major problem.

    Posted by two sheds August 10, 09 11:45 AM
  1. Oh Sally - my stomach hurts from laughing. The 'prolonged eye contact; things makes so much more sense when you realize the LW is writing about man's (and woman's) best friend.

    Posted by Monty August 10, 09 11:45 AM
  1. Okay, no need to classify yourself as gay, straight, bi, etc. I think that human sexuality is fluid, and some people have tendencies and attractions towards one gender more than another, it just happens, its life.

    It seems as though you guys have mutual feelings towards each other, or at least curious, and I think you should subtly hint at certain things about your relationship, and see if it resonates with Casey. If not, then the worst thing that happens is that you guys remains friends!

    Posted by red617 August 10, 09 11:51 AM
  1. the proper pronoun that assumes no gender is "zhe" and the possessive for that is "hir". it'd make all this easier

    Posted by Wesleyan Grad August 10, 09 11:55 AM
  1. Rico wants a new letter, this one bored him. Rico suggests future lw's write in full information and not just what they want us to hear. Without full information it is difficult to give advice and not worth the time to type.

    Rico also suggests that if you don't like what Rico has to say then just skip his posts, he really doesn't care whether you like him or not. He does hope that if you want to threaten him physically that you try it in person and not write in cowardly responses. Rico is a non violent guy just giving his advice/opinions and will continue to do so as he sees fit. Violence and threats are not something we need on a blog. This blog is for advice.

    Rico suggests everyone go and take a deep breath, relax, enjoy some sunshine at lunch and stay cool today. Ignore the letter from today and come back tomorrow for something hopefully better than this ambiguous useless letter.

    Meredith, please ask writers for more information. Thank you

    Any update on the girl that her guy took off to the cape with miss texas? Any updates on the sick guy caretaker from last week?

    Rico wishes you all well and have a great day/week,

    Love always,


    Gears not Gas, reduce yoru carbon footprint and leave a better earth for your children.

    Posted by Rico August 10, 09 11:57 AM
  1. Is there a shortage of beds in Massachusetts? I mean, Rah Rah the other day was also sleeping in bed with his friend and not having sex. Wow, "Sleepy's" needs to run an ad on Meredith's blog.

    Posted by Frico August 10, 09 11:59 AM
  1. These b.s. letters containing withheld info and feeble attempts to shock us are bad enough, but reading through comments loaded with propaganda or pushing an agenda (yes, I'm pointing at you #43 knotdefined) are too much to take.

    Mere, I need to let you know that I've started seeing Miss Conduct's blog today as well. Don't know if it was a one time tryst or if it will move beyond that, but I wanted to be honest with you. A letter about a woman dressing inappropriately and showing too much skin will trump some nonsensical whining about a repressed / closeted dude's feelings and how he likes being spooned by "them", any day of the week and twice on Wednesday.

    Posted by Hoss August 10, 09 11:59 AM
  1. I'm with "Different Kinds of Love." If you can imagine having sex with Them, then go for it. If not, forget it. Seriously, it would be awkward if you couldn't move beyond holding hands after They agree to take the relationship to a different place.

    Posted by Sasha August 10, 09 12:04 PM
  1. This is not a man; it's a woman. It is very unlikely that straight men end up sleeping next to each other and "cozying up."

    Posted by Dicky August 10, 09 12:07 PM
  1. Invite Casey to join you in a menage. That'll make everyone delighted!!!

    Posted by Lance Romance August 10, 09 12:09 PM
  1. Why is everyone saying this letter is a waste of time?? This is a legitimate love-related issue that does not have an obvious answer. The LW is in a difficult situation and is hoping to maybe reach someone who has been through this before. This is not just a situation where you can say "get over yourself and make a move, NEXT LETTER". That is horrible advice, and the LW should not take it. Approach the situation carefully as this is someone that you care about and will most likely still want in your life even if the sexual feelings are not mutual.

    Posted by maya August 10, 09 12:11 PM
  1. I think I saw a movie about this once. Hmm... Brokeback Mountain?

    Posted by Bee August 10, 09 12:12 PM
  1. Sally is hysterical.

    Posted by Alvin August 10, 09 12:13 PM
  1. sexuality is fluid and not really clear (according to the psych people) until you are in your twenties. you say homosexual feelings are new for you. perhaps you are bisexual, which is a lot more common than one might think. confess to "casey" and see what happens. perhaps he/she feels the same way and doesn't know how to approach you either. good luck

    Posted by linda August 10, 09 12:17 PM
  1. I agree with posters who say that talking with Casey about attraction toward members of the same sex might bring things in the open. If he/she is attracted to people of the same sex AND is comfortable enough with that to talk about it, then it's OK to openly share your feelings and see what happens. But, even if Casey is attracted to people of the same sex, you're likely to hurt your friendship if he/she isn't comfortable with that yet; Casey may react defensively.

    When I was in high school, my best friend (who is a woman, as am I) made it clear without outright telling me that she had a thing for me. She often made blatant comment letting me know. Years later, she told me that I was really dense for not noticing. But I did notice -- I just didn't share her feelings and didn't want to hurt her so I played dumb. Perhaps, the more mature thing would have been to tell her that I wasn't interested, but I hate confrontation and perhaps not reacting spared her some embarrassment. (No matter your sexual orientation, rejection stings.) More than 10 years later, we're still friends. She's still one of the people I care the most about in the world.

    Posted by Em August 10, 09 12:20 PM
  1. Anecdotal Evidence - gay people don't dislike all bisexuals and the bi-curious. What we dislike is the disservice they do to both the gay and straight communities by hiding, lying and pretending they are something they are not. Cheating on spouses is never good, no matter your sexual orientation or "confusion" or "curiosity". If people are honest with, open with and unashamed of their feelings, then that's fine with me. Hurting other people while you figure yourself out is not cool. It's 2009, there is no need and no excuse for people to hide their true feelings and use other people while doing so.

    LW - your wondering about if you will spend vacations with each other with spouses and families, etc. leads me to think you are willing to hide behind that sham. Don't even entertain ideas like that. Either be with Casey or be with your future spouse. Don't cheat physically or emotionally on your committed partner. Reflect on what you want with Casey. If you want an emotional AND physical relationship you have to deal with the fact that you DO indeed have homosexual thoughts/feelings. If you just want a long-lasting emotional relationship, then feel lucky that you have a very strong, loving friendship. But figure it out and then tell him (and yourself) the truth before it's too late and other people get hurt in this issue.

    Posted by Liberace August 10, 09 12:22 PM
  1. I was once "Casey" - one of my same-gender friends, who was dating someone of the opposite gender at the time. This person – “Jo(e)” - suddenly found him/herself in love with me. We were very good friends, and though many mutually friends started joking around that Jo(e) was in love with me, I brushed it off, simply because we WERE such good friends.
    Then one day it just hit me, like a ton of bricks, that s/he was very much in love with me. My obvious realization lead to his/her confession, and this enormous broach of trust killed our friendship. If s/he had spent so many months hiding this from me, something so huge and pivotal and, in hide sight, obvious, what else was s/he not saying? I felt betrayed; Jo(e) felt rejected; the situation was explosive and bad all over. We spent years hating each other.
    A few years down the road, I got an email from Jo(e), apologizing for treating me so unfairly, and hating me for so long when I didn't really deserve it. It was nice. We see each other once in awhile, usually in groups, but we chat. I don’t think we’ll ever be good friends again.
    I can't help but think that things would have been so much better had Jo(e) told me his/her real feeling much, much earlier on. I could have felt more comfortable hearing it than realizing it, and rationally I could have said, "I'm sorry, I'm only romantically interested in members of the opposite gender. But I still think you're a fantastic friend” without feeling deceived and angry. My more tame, controlled reaction would have made Jo(e)’s reaction less strong, too, and the situation a lot more manageable. Sure, awkwardness would have ensued, but I really think thing would have been a lot better. Maybe we’d still be friends. Maybe not. But I am convinced thing would have been better.

    Posted by "Casey" August 10, 09 12:35 PM
  1. Its hard to go back to being friends once you've crossed the feelings line and that leaves you set up to be stuck in love with someone who either doesnt know or doesnt feel the same way and that sucks. Just tell her how you feel and then say, "I wish I knew how to quit you."

    Posted by sexual chocolate August 10, 09 12:39 PM
  1. off-topic - what''s the issue some commenters have with Rico? His advice is good, his approach generally polite, his spelling and grammar are fine, and his world view is urbane and frequently quite charming. The third-person stuff is not everyone's cup of tea but if that's the whole issue then I suggest people lay off the caffeine and try to read for content, or as Rico himself suggests, just skip his comments and move on.

    Posted by liveandletc August 10, 09 12:43 PM
  1. I'd just say be careful. I'm a hetero female and once had a really close friend make herself known through 'the late night on the couch yawn and arm stretch' (to put it very mildly) that she had deeper feelings than friendship. Thrusting a close friend into that awkward situation without having any knowledge they also feel as you do perhaps could be detremental to your friendship. I would carefully approach the topic through casually 'checking out' and commenting on a same sex attractive person and see what their reaction is. Please don't molest your best friend in bed, that could be axtremely unsettling and alarming to a person (as it was me) if you go all in and they don't share the love.

    Posted by I. Beaverhousen August 10, 09 12:46 PM
  1. I'd just say be careful. I'm a hetero female and once had a really close friend make herself known through 'the late night on the couch yawn and arm stretch' (to put it very mildly) that she had deeper feelings than friendship. Thrusting a close friend into that awkward situation without having any knowledge they also feel as you do perhaps could be detremental to your friendship. I would carefully approach the topic through casually 'checking out' and commenting on a same sex attractive person and see what their reaction is. Please don't molest your best friend in bed, that could be axtremely unsettling and alarming to a person (as it was me) if you go all in and they don't share the love.

    Posted by I. Beaverhousen August 10, 09 12:47 PM
  1. I too started seeing Miss Conducts Blog today.

    LL is getting rediculous.

    Posted by EastCoastGirl August 10, 09 12:53 PM
  1. Bob Dwyer, grow up.

    Posted by Peter August 10, 09 12:54 PM
  1. Sally--too friggin' funny. Thanks for the laugh on a Monday!

    As for the LW, c'mon. Seriously? An anonymous blog and you can't even indicate the gender? It's 2009. We're emotionally mature enough to be able to handle the concept of a gay relationship. Are you emotionally mature enough to handle one? IMHO, obviously not.

    Life is difficult. This is going to be one of those difficult, risky things. Just tell "Casey." "Casey" is either down with the "more than friends" relationship of he/she/Fido is not and you'll have to deal with the repercussions.

    I generally agree with the folks who have said that two guys generally don't sleep/cuddle in the same bed together unless they are gay. Nothing wrong with that, just sayin'.

    Hopefully tomorrow's letter is a bit less ambiguous and a bit more intellectually stimulating.

    Posted by K the Great August 10, 09 12:55 PM
  1. Hoss, if you really want to stray, visit the Washington Post. Lots of juicy stuff.

    Posted by Frico August 10, 09 12:58 PM
  1. Oh boy, Hoss. I read Miss Conduct today for the first time as well. Shocking, I agree with your advice over there as well.

    LW, if you're lucky enough to truly fall in love with someone, you should take the chance and see if it's reciprocated. It's worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide!

    Posted by sm1231 August 10, 09 12:58 PM
  1. If I were single, I would let Sally scratch behind my ears and rub my belly any day.
    I can't stop laughing.


    Posted by DrK August 10, 09 12:59 PM
  1. Anecdotal Evidence - post 39 - is a thoughtful response and takes into account more than the immediate issue of "should I tell Casey or not"? I'd go with Anecdotal's advice and if you do still want to tell Casey, at least you have considered the repercussions.

    Sally, you deserve your own column - I love your submissions! (platonically, of course).

    Posted by JBar August 10, 09 12:59 PM
  1. If the LW is a girl...go for it. If the LW is a guy, keep it to yourself. No guy wants to be hit on by another guy.

    Posted by doublestandard August 10, 09 01:01 PM
  1. Hoss, you crack me up! You're getting all worked up about a same-sex themed LL and yet you are reading Miss Conduct and LL every day. Who's in the closet?

    Posted by LIberace August 10, 09 01:02 PM
  1. Sounds like a convenient "Threesome" could be the IceBreaker needed here! "Oops! Did I put my hand on your [BLEEP]??? Sorry..." Don't knock it 'til you try it, some kids think it's great!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 August 10, 09 01:04 PM
  1. Meredith - excellent baseball reference to Casey and the Mudville Nine.

    Posted by CaseyAtTheBat August 10, 09 01:06 PM
  1. Just a thought.
    This one has the potential for an excellent haiku.


    Posted by DrK August 10, 09 01:06 PM
  1. For the record - I really enjoy Rico's posts. In fact I usually scan through to seek them out first.

    Posted by Jen August 10, 09 01:09 PM
  1. As usual, Dummy nailed it: straight guys don't take naps with other straight guys.

    Posted by monkeycaller August 10, 09 01:11 PM
  1. Sounds to me like Casey is waiting for you to make a move. Prolonged eye contact across the room? Sleeping in your bed? Snuggling up while you're "asleep?" He / she must be wondering what more he / she is supposed to do to get you to respond. I think your returned interest is equally clear. The question is, is it a sexual response you're feeling? If yes, make a move. If not, get the heck out of Dodge because this guy / girl will be trouble for you. Something is going to happen sometime, no matter which one of you initiates it. Gay love is a line you can certainly cross, but you can't undo anything you do -- and if you're straight, and if you're honest, you'll have to admit what you've done to a future girlfriend / boyfriend whom you might want to make your spouse. And you may find they're not exactly eager to marry a potentially "bi" spouse.

    Posted by stopkiddingaround August 10, 09 01:15 PM
  1. This letter is not a waste of time, but I do agree that full disclosure and additional detail is required. Hopefully the LW will fill us in. I will wait for the info b4 adding my 2 cents!

    Posted by JohnB August 10, 09 01:16 PM
  1. I am with Sally on this one, except that I think the LW (whatever gender he/she is) is actually talking about a horse.

    It a lot more work, but hey, the payoff is much bigger!

    Posted by John August 10, 09 01:22 PM
  1. ok here it goes..
    i absolutely understand where you are coming from because i was in that similar situation a few yrs prior i however always found women attractive but never acted upon it or had the desire too until i met *her*we will call her kelly now i met kel in high school our jr yr adn instantly connectedwith her she made me laugh smile adn i felt comfortable around her however she was openly gay and i on the other had a boyfriend she even listened to me vent about him.she provided me advice was there when i needed her in due time she ebcame my best friend i trusted her with my life however again as time past i found myself falling in love with her adn as much as i tried to fight it i couldnt i did tell her adn luckily her feelings were mutual she never told me because she knew i liked guys and had a boyfriend and didnt want to weird our friendship we tried dating but i dont want to say i was embarrassed just scared at how others would look at me especially because i was prevoiuisly in a relationship with a man..I was scared adn ran away and did not look back i hurt kel real bad adn it was as if i feel of the radar and did not talk to her for a few yrs i however went on back to being with a man and became pregnant with my son as i went to a summer fair i saw kel for the frist time in 2 yrs and it was as if that isntant spark had never gone away lets just say we exchanged numebrs began hanging out and my boyfriend ended up leaving me for another women adn kel was there for my tears my hate and i felt guilty about our past so i appologized adn explained adn seh did understnad however now we are grown adults adn in arelationship together raising my son and we could not be happier together i would not trade her for the world and there is always that constant what if i ahdnt been so scared where would we be or what if i never ran into her i truly do find her to be my soulmate and glad she allowed me back into her life
    i would make *casey* aware of this because you enver know he or she could feel the exact same way adn if both of you keep it bottled inside you could be missing out on something really special the worst that could happen is either it will freak them out and they might be bothered by it but if she or he is your friend they will be able to see past that or...

    Posted by canrelate August 10, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Awakened from Slumber--A Haiku

    Cuddling on beaches
    Dreaming of Casey and me
    Kibble morning breath.

    Posted by K the Great August 10, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Love you Rico, keep it coming :)

    Posted by Rachel August 10, 09 01:37 PM
  1. stopkiddingaround (83): what totally homophobic advice. You make it sound like LW would be going to some sort of dark side if he/she becomes involved with in a same sex relationship with all this talk of "admitting" to the relationship or spouses who would be spooked by his/her bisexual past. If LW goes down this road, it's not something to be "admitted" with a future long term partner, it's something to be shared, the way all couples should honestly share whatever needs to be shared with subsequent partners. And if LW is someone who is comfortable expressing his/her sexuality in different ways, I would imagine that the person he/she chooses to spend his/her life with will also be and would not be involved with someone who is not, as you say "exactly eager to marry a potentially 'bi' spouse."

    Posted by ouch August 10, 09 01:37 PM
  1. What Hoss said - both times. And what Sally said, too! LOL

    Posted by Linda August 10, 09 01:41 PM
  1. Jen #81, I'm with you. I scan to find Rico, Hoss and Sally, then continue to read others comments.

    Sally makes me laugh and my coworkers stare..

    Posted by LoveRico August 10, 09 01:42 PM
  1. In response to an earlier post, the problem with Rico is his way over the top liberal bias and agenda that he slips into every post. He's an extremely self centered narcissist. He would be much easier to stomach if he dropped the third person act, and his ridiculous sign-off.

    Posted by Rico Hater August 10, 09 01:47 PM
  1. I think Rico Hater is really in love with and wants to cuddle with Rico.

    Posted by Shecky28 August 10, 09 01:59 PM
  1. Hoss--enjoy Miss Conduct. Hope you like it so much you stay there. Rico--keep it up.

    Posted by elyk August 10, 09 02:12 PM
  1. And the winner of the 2009 longest run-on sentence contest goes to.........#86 canrelate. Seriously, I cant even understand what you wrote. The period (.) is used to separate sentences. Try it.

    Posted by sexual chocolate August 10, 09 02:16 PM
  1. This has degenerated into a discussion of posters rather than a discussion of the letter. But given the vague content of today's letter, why not?

    I'm with #92 (Rico Hater). But that's why the mouse has a scroll button - since his posts always start with his own name, it's easy to identify and skip them. And it feels pretty good, too.

    P.S. Hoss rules.

    Posted by Truman August 10, 09 02:19 PM
  1. canrelate (#86) - there's this little thing called punctuation - use it. It makes for easier reading. Really - punctuation is very little - a . Or a , and sometimes even a ! Just a teeny-tiny little keystroke does wonders when the brain is trying to read one long out-of-breath stream-of-conscious paragraph that makes no sense whatsoever.

    And I'd like to suggest that Rico take his/her own advice - since you didn't like the letter (you were "bored") why not just skip it and wait for a letter you do want to respond to? Have to agree with the silly third person response - it's tiresome. So yes - I do just skip your responses now. The rainbows and unicorn thing just doesn't cut it anymore.

    Posted by Linda August 10, 09 02:21 PM
  1. I agree with the people who have said that since this is an anonymous blog the lw's should be offering up more details so that the advice can be more on point, especially in this instance. There are no specifics about the relationship so what is the point of the lw by hiding his/her gender? I highly doubt that if "Casey" reads the blog he/she will guess this is about him/her, if that's what the concern is. That said, I am assuming the lw is female, again agreeing with those that said most men do not share a bed unless they are already out of the closet or on a group vacation with limited beds.

    As a female, I will say that when I have shared a bed with friends we have always stayed on our own side of the bed. There has never been any accidental cuddling, so I tend to think that "Casey" may be feeling the same and you should really talk to him/her about your feelings. None-the-less you should probably tread carefully, if it turns out "Casey" does not feel the same unreturned feelings could change the friendship. This is tricky in opposite sex friendships never mind same sex friendships.

    On another note, (#86) canrelate - I think you probably gave the lw some good advice but wow, with the all spellng errors and lack of punctuation, that was really hard to read. You may want to try spell check the next time, just a little helpful (albeit, un-solicited) advice.

    Lastly, count me amoung the Rico fans!

    Posted by CC August 10, 09 02:43 PM
  1. Your whole 1st paragraph refers to "Casey" as "them" - So, I'm thinking - how many people are you in love with? Then - If you feel so comfortable with "Casey" then why aren't you admitting to her/him your feelings. Are you sure you aren't just "infatuated with him or her" and "mistaking admiration for love"? I don't believe a person can turn "gay" overnight - unless you are 16 yrs old or something. Sounds like "Casey" might be as messed up as you are - if he/she/they would admit it.

    Posted by Been around August 10, 09 02:45 PM
  1. Your whole 1st paragraph refers to "Casey" as "them" - So, I'm thinking - how many people are you in love with? Then - If you feel so comfortable with "Casey" then why aren't you admitting to her/him your feelings. Are you sure you aren't just "infatuated with him or her" and "mistaking admiration for love"? I don't believe a person can turn "gay" overnight - unless you are 16 yrs old or something. Sounds like "Casey" might be as messed up as you are - if he/she/they would admit it.

    Posted by Been around August 10, 09 02:48 PM
  1. Too bad these blogs don't have an ignore feature...I'd iggy Rico in a heartbeat with all his mindless drivel.

    Posted by Chloe-OBrien August 10, 09 02:48 PM
  1. Hey canrelate - nice ee cummings style post. Hope your conversation isn't as rambling as your mental discourse.

    PS - Where's valentino's haiku? At least that will temper this letter some...

    Posted by big dummy August 10, 09 02:51 PM
  1. Gotta be chicks.
    Dudes don't think about vacations with their future families and the future friends' future families. Only chicks think about these things.

    Honey, you need to just get on with it. If you don't know what you are doing, go out and get some videos and watch them, and just happen to leave them in when your girl comes over. Or, leave some les fiction around the apt when she comes over and see if she picks one up and reads it.
    If she acts all weird, just say that you are reading it for a sensitivity class.

    Posted by J-at-wk August 10, 09 02:55 PM
  1. Just ask Casey out on a date. Be prepared for the friendship to end.
    The friendship can't go back to being the same anyways... you've developed feelings for Casey.

    If it's mutual then it changes anyways, if not you have to cut bait and leave since it would be painful to watch Casey dating others.

    it sounds painful now but you'll be greatful for it later.
    If it's mutual then you didn't miss out on this opportunity, if not then you saved yourself from hearing Casey profess love for someone else, sharing details of his/her sexual escapades with you etc..

    Posted by rick August 10, 09 02:56 PM
  1. Thanks for the egotrip everyone. I haven't been on one in a while.

    I don't think it gender matters so long as both parties are good looking.

    Posted by Sally August 10, 09 03:05 PM
  1. Rico decided to give advice without knowing the gender....

    Rico suggests that if you are actually cuddling to each other in bed, on a couch, on a throw pillow on the floor etc...then when this happens if it happens again is to say something like "hey, I know you like me but you'll have to ask next time before cuddling up to me so close". Then by approaching it in a humorous way it may reduce the seriousness enough to get this Casey to drop his/her guard enough to either shrug it off and you move on as friends or maybe casey leans in for a little more. Until you give it a try you will never know.

    Rico suggests this could be the easiest way to approach it without ruining a friendship and also opening those lines of communication should there be anything more to discuss. Whatever you do, just have fun and hopefully enjoy the outcome.

    Love always,


    Rico thanks his fans for their support...Keep it safe and turn out a light please. One light CAN make a difference.

    Posted by Rico August 10, 09 03:07 PM
  1. cc, # 98, it's among, not amoung. it's called spellcheck, use it.

    Posted by B August 10, 09 03:17 PM
  1. canrelate - it's VERY difficult to read one huge run-on paragraph. Next time try some grammar and punctuation.

    Posted by Anonymous August 10, 09 03:21 PM
  1. I love Rico!

    Posted by Rico is the best August 10, 09 03:29 PM
  1. Alright people, we get it. Canrelate's letter is hard to read and you are all superior to her because you know how to use a period. Can we move on? It's a love letters column, not a grammar and punctuation column.

    Posted by Strunk & White August 10, 09 03:33 PM
  1. B - your funny (yeah, spelling error intended)... it's a blog, the occasional spelling error's not a big deal, not claiming to be perfect. But really post #86 is very difficult to read, that's all I was saying.

    Posted by CC August 10, 09 03:37 PM
  1. The posters here need to learn how to play nice with the other kids.

    Please stop bashing Rico!!

    And CBC: maybe you should wait and see if Casey makes a move. He/she should if in fact they feel the same as how you feel. Love can be blinding, and I wish you the best.

    Posted by Trueblue22 August 10, 09 03:38 PM
  1. The posters here need to learn how to play nice with the other kids.

    Please stop bashing Rico!!

    And CBC: maybe you should wait and see if Casey makes a move. He/she should if in fact they feel the same as how you feel. Love can be blinding, and I wish you the best.

    Posted by Trueblue22 August 10, 09 03:39 PM
  1. B (#107) - your funny… (spelling error intended) it's a blog, the occasional spelling error’s not a big deal, not claiming to be perfect. But really post #86 was very difficult to read, that's all I was saying.

    Posted by CC August 10, 09 03:42 PM
  1. Get them drunk and find a hot tub. Things will sort themselves out.

    Posted by pmb August 10, 09 03:49 PM
  1. Sally, you're great.

    Gay dog's should write in more often!

    Posted by Snoopy August 10, 09 03:57 PM
  1. While wondering what type of keyboard "canrelate" used (certainly not a QWERTY keyboard) and what canrelate was in the middle of doing while typing, I will say this: Rico is fine. He should not be banned. He has his three standards (third person reference, endless bicycle propaganda, and "Everyone go outside and inhale!!!!") that he has run into the ground by using daily retreads of each wrapped around a very small amount of actual helpful advice. That's his gig and he's going to keep running with it. Some like it, some don't.

    To me, it's background scenery. No matter how many times the student playing a tree in the school play, tries to move or desperately draw attention to himself, the audience eventually catches on to the ruse and gravitates back to the main character (Meredith) and the play itself. Hell, Carrot Top still sells out some comedy clubs with his tiresome prop jokes from 15 years ago, so there's definitely hope for Rico and his "Pedal Power" / "My marriage is perfect" / "Rico does not like cheaters" mixed in with his tiresome lectures / scolding of the LW each day. This is an open forum.

    Posted by Hoss August 10, 09 03:58 PM
  1. If you are two chicks, please take pictures, post them on the internet and send us a link to the site.


    Posted by YouAreAllMySons August 10, 09 04:05 PM
  1. And speaking of drivel...and then there was this fool named hoss who posts all day as different posters lauding himself for his post. hoss is his biggest fan.

    that's all we have for today folks, because I am too stupid to think of anything worthwhile to add.


    Posted by hoss licks testes August 10, 09 04:07 PM
  1. Hello, a man and a woman where meant to become one in the marital act. Man and Man, Woman and woman makes no sense.

    Posted by Henway August 10, 09 04:22 PM
  1. You people aren't paying attention! CBC was not calling his/her potential paramour "them" to camouflage the gender, but to slyly reveal that said love interest suffers from multiple personality disorder. (Or, as we call it in today's nonjudgmental times, polyindividualism). This explains a lot: Why "them" is sometimes making googly-eyes and sometimes talking wistfully about the opposite sex. Why "them" is sometimes cozying up during their languid, sweaty summer naps and sometimes sitting in manly silence. It's not the same "them"! It's a different personality each time!

    This also explains why CBC is so afraid of proclaiming his/her love -- fear of public speaking! It would be like proposing in a crowded restaurant.

    CBC, man up (or woman up). Yes, there's a risk that one of "them" will reject you. But there's got to be at least one promiscuous personality who will be all over you. If Homophobic Them makes a fuss, get Suppressed Rage Them to slap him down. Send Shy, Stuttering Them to chat with Tough-Talking Burly Birkenstock Them in the other room so you can have some privacy, and send Withdrawn-9-Year-Old Them to walk the dog Sally discovered in this relationship. Have the Martha Steward Them cook you lunch. Keep Shy-But-Sensual Alter Boy Them hanging around for a threesome if things get boring. Have the Roman Legions Them weed your garden and paint the house.

    CBC, this isn't a problem, this is an opportunity! Play your cards right and you can have your Brad Pitt and Ed Norton, too. Or you might end up with You, Yourself and Irene. If so, write again. Just have Skinny Kenyan Them run the letter over to the Globe offices.

    Posted by Jasper's Buddy August 10, 09 04:47 PM
  1. #120 (Henway), take your bible and shove it. OKay? We are talking about love here, not religious brainwashing to keep the little babies for your cult a-comin' or rigid, it-must-be-this-way-there-can-be-no-other which is the stuff espoused by bigots. Sick of your type, really REALLY sick of your type. Go to some country where civil and human rights aren't allowed--you'll feel much more comfortable there and won't have to worry about your homosexual fantasies.

    Posted by thesebigotsmakemyhairhurt August 10, 09 04:59 PM
  1. Get Bleep faced together and see what happens.

    Posted by hemetheyusthemherhim August 10, 09 05:14 PM
  1. The only question remaining is, "Which two male Globe employees are CBC and Casey?"

    Posted by serf August 10, 09 05:16 PM
  1. Wow - I think #121 has it all sorted out right and left and in the middle. I was thinking along those - I mean them lines - I mean them lives.....

    Posted by Been around August 10, 09 05:19 PM
  1. Okay - my response to the LW is this - don't snuggle without laying (excuse the pun) out your feelings. If your feelings are rejected, then move on. If they are welcomed, you've gotten the prize behind Door #2. Go for it. You'll never know unless you try.
    I adore Rico, who is soooo PC, I adore Hoss and Sally is my hero.
    May I offer a suggestion to Meredith? PLEASE try to do follow-ups from the LWers. We all take so much time to read the letter, and much more time reading the responses, it would be nice to know how things worked out. Thanks!

    Posted by californiadreamin August 10, 09 05:31 PM
  1. I wish I had this problem. You're luck to have someone like this in your life -- no matter who they are.

    Posted by freddygirl August 10, 09 05:33 PM
  1. #122. Without getting religion into it at all, homosexuality is a violation of nature. A violation of biology. All living things - plants, birds, giraffes, humans, sally's dog love - are all designed instinctively for procreation. For the production of life. So that the species can live on.

    THAT is a basic fact.

    Posted by MotherNatureDoesn'tLie August 10, 09 05:54 PM
  1. #128 *News flash* People do the dipnasty primarily for FUN, not procreation. This isn't 1772 here, GET WITH IT.

    Also, dogs will hump anything, living or dead. They just like to hump, it doesn't matter if it's a mickey mouse doll or another dog. And I've seen two gay turtles gettin it on like Elton John, so you really don't know what you're talking about PAL.

    Posted by Idothefreakallweek August 10, 09 06:20 PM
  1. Henway, "the marital act"?! Your poor, poor wife (or husband). That's all I have to say.

    Posted by Em August 10, 09 06:29 PM
  1. I don't really care about the LW's issue, but I know she/he/it needs to eat. I would, therefore, like to remind him/her and Casey, and everyone else on LL, that this is Restaurant Week in Boston. You can get a good meal and help out the economy to boot by visiting one of the participating restaurants and ordering their three-course meal.

    Eat local!
    Help your fellow man/woman/neutered person
    Ban Rico until he lays off his personal quests a la this one

    Posted by It's restaurant week, Rico! August 10, 09 06:33 PM
  1. Sally, excellent advice. But I'm thinking some soft lighting and a little peanut butter would've kept your brothers' golden retriever on the your porch ;)

    Posted by bohica August 10, 09 06:57 PM
  1. “Subaru” Haiku

    Element? Outback?
    Curled up with a knife and spork
    Trans Fender Gender

    Posted by valentino August 10, 09 07:14 PM
  1. Sally -

    Couldn't have said it better: "You make me laugh and my co-workers stare." Everyone should just admit they read the column for the problems and they read the blog comments for personalities. Sally is up there with Rico and Hoss as my weekday "Must Read."

    Posted by big dummy August 10, 09 07:14 PM
  1. I don't agree with Hoss - don't make a physical move first. Take the other advice and talk about your feelings - even in a letter is good.

    The danger of making a physical move is that you'd not be giving Casey the time to think. A negative reaction from Casey may be an instinctive, face-saving move, even if it's one that Casey regrets later.

    Be brave, and talk to Casey before anything physical happens. Because this is so new to both of you, it'll require a lot of thought, processing and talk. Best of luck to you.

    Posted by snuckles August 10, 09 07:59 PM
  1. If you’re going to reveal your feelings to Casey, I think talking instead of doing may help you preserve the friendship. With talking, Casey could say, "Gosh, I'm flattered, but I just couldn't ever feel the same way about you,” without any physical contact to make things weird later. You can't undo a kiss, or a grope, and if Casey never wanted either, it might really strain your friendship if s/he never saw it coming.

    I’m a hetero chick, and I revealed myself to two close guy friends at different times of my life, once by talking, and another time by doing (in a situation where I definitely thought he’d been sidling). I struck out both times, but the guy I talked to remained one of my best friends, and the guy I sidled back towards (and more), not so much. It was just too awkward afterwards because we couldn’t debrief (oops--no pun intended, though it does make that awkward memory 50% funnier). Maybe people will protest that it's just DIFFERENT if both people are the same sex, but I see something universal in your letter: M/F/transgendered, gay, bi, or het--how do you let your best friend know you’re interested in being more than friends?

    If your friendship is really as close as you say, and you truly think this is romantic and not platonic love (see post #24), and if you can live with your romantic feelings not being reciprocated, I say go for it. Not saying anything risks you’ll be tormented by your feelings and your inaction for a long time, unable to look at anyone else because you’re pining for Casey, not even knowing whether s/he shares the feelings. If you fess up and s/he doesn’t feel the same, then do your best to MOVE ON with your romantic feelings, so you can concentrate on continuing your best-friendship with Casey.

    PS—Love you Rico, Hoss, Sally, and Valentino, though I prefer to remain--

    Posted by anonymous August 10, 09 09:47 PM
  1. “On in Two” Haiku

    My andro friend Pat
    Has breasts like Phil Mickelson
    Can’t find the tee-spot

    Posted by valentino August 10, 09 10:16 PM
  1. Is anyone else bothered by the term "homosexual tendencies"? It just sounds so... icky. How about "homosexual interests" or better yet "gay romantic interests"?

    Posted by dwb0st0n August 10, 09 11:09 PM
  1. Wake up, folks. Casey already initiated the physical stuff by snuggling and nuzzling up to LW in bed. Remember?

    Posted by Hoss August 11, 09 07:15 AM
  1. #133...hahahahaha....amazing. Perfectly done, down to the "spork" and subaru reference.

    As far as the lw's situation...I agree with others who think this must be a female.

    I'm going to throw this out there. I'm a straight guy. One of my best friends in the world is a gay woman. We originally met through work, and just hit it off. It was very strange for me to feel instantly connected to a woman (and an attractive one) without sex (or the pursuit of it) being involved. What evolved was a very close friendship, to the point where we refer to each as "bro" and "sis".

    In the beginning, I really struggled with the fact that I felt love towards this woman, especially since I had a serious girlfriend at the time. It was very confusing, and frankly, distressing. I knew I was in love with my gf and didn't want to put myself in a situation where I'd hurt her.

    Over time, I was able to seperate my affection and love for my friend from the conditioned response of "hey, it's a chick, she's cute, let's do it."

    Vice versa, I would suggest the lw take a step back from the situation. Our culture doesn't encourage us to look closely and non-judgmentally at our emotions, especially when sex is concerned. This is particularly true in the case of homosexuality, which is still somewhat "taboo", even for women. I think the confusion/shame/guilt that you seem to be experiencing because of these feelings is clouding your view of what your true emotions are.

    It may be that, like me and my friend, you and Casey have a deep mutual love for each other that is not based on a sexual attraction. That's a rare and beautiful thing, but it's difficult to distinguish it from our largely false cultural ideal of "romantic love".

    So my advice, for what it's worth, is to get clear on these feelings and what they might mean first. That may mean talking to a therapist, or going to a support group for gays or bisexuals.

    Either way, life is short., Casey. You are obivously suffering. Don't sit around and stay 'safe' by not taking action. That is what so many of us do, and it's a recipe for a life of frustration, unfulfilled dreams, and disappointment. Go figure out what's in your heart first. Then, once you've done that, you can plan a course of action.

    Honestly, as difficult as the emoitions you're feeling are, I think this is really a win-win sitauton. You could either end up with an amazing friendship, an amazing romantic relationship, or (hopefully) a combination of the two. The latter seems to be what makes most long-term marriages work.

    If you do have romantic feelings, and they aren't reciprocated, I don't think someone who acts like Casey does (long periods of eye contact, cuddling, etc.) is going to reject you.

    Posted by pablo August 11, 09 08:04 AM
  1. 'Tis better to have loved and lost
    Than never to have loved at all.

    Posted by New England Expatriate August 11, 09 08:43 AM
  1. How do you spell hoax? Oh yeah, h-o-a-x. This sounds like one of those, "Let's see how ridiculous I can make this and still get published" kind of letters. Who screens these people?

    Posted by Slack August 11, 09 09:14 AM
  1. Casey At The Bat
    Let's Swing For The Fences
    I Will Be Catcher

    Posted by BrokebackBoston August 11, 09 09:30 AM
  1. I vote for NO, do NOT disclose. You may ruin the friendship. Tis not worth it unless they make the first move. Get them drunk and make a move but don't disclose...

    (My advice is not the most mature but if you want to keep the friendship, getting them drunk and making a move is your best bet. If NOT reciprocated you can always use being drunk as an excuse and resume the friendship possibly without any changes.)

    Posted by Amazed August 11, 09 09:36 AM
  1. Hanging to the left
    Casey always helps me out
    Longfellow straightens

    Posted by Haikufun August 11, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Not much more to add from what others have said. I'm with the others that are confused with the "them" pronoun. When you write a letter and don't have to include your real name, real initials, real town name, or any identifying characteristics, it means you're free to write "he" or "she" with impunity.

    I also think you should go with your heart and gut and try not to get caught up in standard's set by the nebulous "society". After all...who's life is it anyway...yours or society's? People need to forge their own way in life...whatever it is...as long as they are not breaking any laws...and falling in love with whoever you may fall in love with is your perorogative. Sure, it may (and apparently seems to) cause internal alarm of challenging your concept of your self identify, but this is what life is all about....growing up and figuring out who we are based on new people we meet and new experiences we encounter. And sometimes (as in this situation), there will be opportunities to challenge who we are as people. People can either choose to squelch those things that call into quesion who they are and try to ignore them, or they can be open-minded to stretching their concept of self.

    So, which one is it going to be for you? Obviously, this situation isn't just about you or your own concepts of self, but what to do about expressing this to the other person and risking the present relationship as "friends". But, life is about taking calculated risks sometimes. We all know the expression, "nothing ventured, nothing gained"...and so many others like that.

    As others have noted, the two of you have obviously shifted to becoming more intimate than regular platonic friends since you have slept in the same bed together and had opportunities to accidentally (or purposely) snuggle, so why not stop pussyfooting around this and just bring it out in conversation?

    Good luck either way however you decide to proceed with "them" :-)

    Posted by brklynmom August 11, 09 01:21 PM
  1. Oy -- this letter is exhausting. People stopped having "homosexual tendencies" in 1978, when the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses. Anyone who's still talking like this today has either been trapped in a cult for a couple of decades, living in a remote location without television and the internet, or is profoundly lacking in self-awareness and self-confidence. I'm thinking that counselling would be a really good idea no matter what the LW decides to do or not do about "Casey" -- hating yourself this much is no way to live.

    Go make that call now.

    Posted by JP Gal August 11, 09 02:10 PM
  1. start with a brojob?

    Posted by mmennonno August 12, 09 04:26 PM
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

Ask us a question