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My friend is setting up my boyfriend

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  August 18, 2009 10:40 AM

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Today's letter is not as funny as yesterday's letter. But that's to be expected. Let's get to it.

Q: I've been stewing over this issue for a few days now, but it's getting to the point where I have to make a decision ASAP. I'm in a strange situation; let me explain.

A few months ago, when my best friend from home was on spring break from college, she came back to visit with her boyfriend and one of her closest friends from school (let's call him George). George and I hit it off immediately and soon began dating. We were still finishing college at the time and he was going to school in Ohio while I was here in Boston. After graduation, he went back to his parents' house for the summer, in Los Angeles. We didn't want to be in a long distance relationship, but that's the way things turned out. To compromise, however, we have been in an open relationship. I have been to Los Angeles twice this summer to see him (both times on my own dollar), and before the summer, he had come to visit me several times because he spent a fair amount of time in New York. At the end of the summer we are breaking up because he is moving to Europe to go to graduate school, and we didn't want to even attempt the strain of a long distance open relationship between continents. Of course we'll continue to care for each other and talk, but not as much as we do now, in hopes that we can remain on good terms to keep the option of a future relationship open.

However, the distance is not the problem. The most recent time I was in Los Angeles, George was in the bathroom and received a text message. I told him, and he asked me to respond to it. While I was in his text messages, I happened to see that my best friend who had introduced us had texted him a day or two before, saying that she was excited about setting him up with her roommate when he visits her (since graduation, she has moved to Chicago, and George is going to visit her for a few days on his way to Europe). I then saw that George and the roommate (who he has never met) have been texting rather suggestively, and it seems clear that they are planning on hooking up while he is in Chicago. (My point here is that I was NOT snooping; seeing the texts was an accident.)

At this point, I don't know what to do. I don't know why my best friend would try to set my boyfriend up with someone else, even if we are in an open relationship. I was under the assumption that we wouldn't make an effort to hook up with other people, but if it happened, it would be OK. The fact that they were planning this while I was visiting him makes me totally furious. However, if I talk to George about it, he will get angry and think I'm being jealous and annoying, and while jealousy is a small part of it, I mostly just feel marginalized that the two people I am closest to seem to be conspiring against me. In a perfect world, I would talk to my best friend and ask her why she would do this and not mention it to George, but she and George talk about everything together, and I'm sure she would tell him that I brought it up. Also, both of them are in pretty bad emotional places right now -- my best friend just got dumped and George doesn't want to go to Europe -- and I don't want to make them even more upset and angry.

What should I do? I'm breaking up with George, so practically this issue doesn't matter, but in principle it does. My best friend shouldn't try to set up my boyfriend with someone else, and my boyfriend shouldn't be lining up someone to sleep with when he visits Chicago. I'm at a loss between doing what is easy (not saying anything) and doing what is right, but I'm afraid it might unnecessarily hurt my relationship with George.

– On the Fence, Brookline

A: OTF, my head is spinning. You've been in an open relationship for just a few months with a guy who lives across the country and has plans to move abroad. And you're surprised he's lining up a fling in Chicago?

You just said you're breaking up with George. I hope that's true. Your letter seems a bit wishy-washy, which is understandable, but it’s time to let George go.

George doesn’t sound like a bad guy -- but he’s in no position to commit to you. As long as he’s around, you’re not going to pursue other options. Your “open relationship” is more open for him than it is for you. Let’s try to make that break-up with George real, OK? I’m not saying there’s no potential for the future, but there’s little potential now. That’s what we’re worried about here – the now.

If you’re on the fence about anyone, it should be your friend. You feel betrayed because of the set-up. That’s fair. You must tell your friend how you feel -- that it stung to find out George was being set up with someone new without your knowledge. I know you don’t want your feelings of betrayal to get back to George, but really, who cares what George thinks?

I’m not so sure your friend was wrong to initiate a set-up for George. There was no real rule broken. But it’s time to find out whether your friend can be a friend to both of you, or if you need some space from your friend, too.

Please be empathetic when you talk to this friend. Balancing friendships with two people in a couple is complicated. Often, you’re the bad guy for no good reason. Maybe George asked to be set up. Maybe George asked your friend to keep the set-up a secret from you. Maybe your friend feels awful about having to keep you out of the loop. Maybe your friend would set you up with someone, too. You have no idea how your friend feels until you have an honest conversation.

Take George out of the equation. Try not to consider what he’s doing and what he thinks. He’s about to become your ex -- not an evil ex, but an ex nonetheless.

You can’t save your relationship right now, but try to save your friendship if you can.

Readers? Did anyone do anything wrong here? Is the letter writer making George more important than he actually is? How should the writer deal with George/the friend? Share here.

– Meredith

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250 comments so far...
  1. OTF,
    Just let go. You said yourself you were in an open relationship with the guy -- so go and be open. While he's sowing his wild oats all over the country (and soon-to-be across the ocean) - you should be doing the same.
    It sucks that your friend was setting him up with another friend - but it seems like a theme (didn't she do the same with you and George?).
    In any event, no guy is worth this kind of drama. Soon enough, he'll be gone and you'll move on.

    Posted by let it go August 18, 09 10:57 AM
  1. Is this a serious question??

    Posted by macster August 18, 09 10:57 AM
  1. Your mouth says you are in an open relationship. Your letter says otherwise.

    Posted by K August 18, 09 10:59 AM
  1. Forget about George and forget about your "best friend". George is simply playing the field and trying to score as often as possible. If you want a committed relationship George is not the one. You should be happy he is history. Your supposed "best friend" is also excess baggage you can do without. If she really was your best friend she would have run the Chicago thing by you. Don't feel sorry for her because she has relationship problems too. Those are not your problems. Time to move on.

    If you've finished college it's time to get a job and start the process of becoming a self-sufficient adult. If you have to go back to college, concentrate on your studies.

    Posted by Older Than Your Father August 18, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Wow - George is a lucky guy to have this multiple-match-making friend "MMMF". If MMMF is willing to set George up with all these close friends (best friend from home, roommate) of hers she obviously sees him as very dateable. I think that MMMF secretly wants George for herself and this is some odd quirk in their overly friendly relationship.

    No need for drama or confrontation - just be breezey with both and find a guy (preferably a nice one) that wants a closed relationship.

    Good luck.

    Posted by Monty August 18, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Meredith is pretty much right about the boyfriend, but she's wrong about the best friend. You should let her know how you feel, in a non-accusatory way. It would be inconsiderate to set up a guy you were even very interested in with somebody else so why is it OK if the relationship is "open"?

    As for an open relationship, how is that different from just dating mostly one person. Perhaps that designation is problematic because it suggests an emotional bond without any commitment.

    Posted by Michaela August 18, 09 11:00 AM
  1. I do have to add a reality check to my comment above:

    He's not your boyfriend and you are not breaking up.

    Posted by Monty August 18, 09 11:05 AM
  1. OTF, you said: "I was under the assumption that we wouldn't make an effort to hook up with other people, but if it happened, it would be OK".

    As Benny Hill used to say, "When you assume, you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. If you're in any kind of relationship (especially those with sex involved), you need to be very specific about the rules. Don't you know by now that girl rules and guy rules about dating are NEVER the same?! My advice- drop George like a bad habit and forget about having any kind of future relationship with him. And don't date close friends of your girlfriends. It's just an invitation for trouble.

    Posted by Shorty August 18, 09 11:05 AM
  1. In no way was George ever your boyfriend. Your friend knows this. You have no basis for a complaint against either one. I would be very careful about raising this at all with your best friend. I think you will come off very poorly. "boyfriend" and "open relationship" are in reality mutually exclusive terms. Try to understand that and to forgive your friend without ever mentioning this aloud. Sometimes it helps to write a letter to someone and express unreasonable feelings like this (because even if unreasonable, you still have them, and need to express them), but then to throw the letter away. See if that helps.

    Posted by JC August 18, 09 11:06 AM
  1. I agree with Mer but I would bring it up to the friend that fair is fair, if she fixes up George she has to fix you up with a fling of your own.

    Posted by Blaze August 18, 09 11:09 AM
  1. How come I never had a friend in college pimping me out to her roommates and girlfriends???

    Because, really, that's all this friend is doing. George is a ship that's already sailed. The question is whether you want to associate with your friend.

    Posted by Joey August 18, 09 11:10 AM
  1. Ffft, you got nuthin' here, and I suspect you'll get some pretty unsympathetic comments that say you are being whiny and petty. You can't say "open relationship ... except when ..." either it's open or it's not. Either you are going to break up or not in a few weeks or not (what's that about? Why not just break up already?). If you love George and don't want him to date other people, then you need to say that and do that. Be jealous if you want to but both George and your friend are totally within their rights.

    Posted by move on August 18, 09 11:10 AM
  1. In the words of the immortal Led Zeppelin.... "Communication breakdown..it's always the same!!!" You're "open relationship" in reality , from his viewpoint, means you are his, ahem, "full course dinner buddy" or " grilled cheese buddy" ...while YOU think you are each are not actively pursuing anything else until its officially "over. Wrong.

    The problem is simple to resolve, either just realize what it is, or express your subconscious feelings that you want a real relationship and see if he bites, or end it.

    No matter what, you don't have anything to be mad about unless you expressed these details to him or to your friend. I don't see how you can be upset with the friend unless you explicitly had talked about your not expecting him to be setup at this point.

    Gas not gears. Stay Cool. Ban Rico! (Let's hope he's still on vacation...permanently)

    Posted by byubba August 18, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Girls have different friendship rules...that was NOT cool of her to set G up with someone else. Unless she were totally unaware you were still in touch with him. As I think she was aware, that's just really bad girl behavior. And I agree with 5, I woudn't put it past her to want to get into his pants either. Back in the day, I would have let her have it. Now that I have bigger fish to fry, i'd just cut her off. Do as to others....and all that

    Posted by meangirls... August 18, 09 11:17 AM
  1. I think the real problem is that you have a definition of "open relationship" that is likely different than George's and your best friend. They clearly see an "open relationship" as in "seeing other people - whomever and wherever". You see an "open relationship" as "well, if the circumstances were different we would be exclusive, but since we don't live right next door to each other, we have to give each other freedom; that being said, I won't go looking for anyone else".

    The best line in any discussion thus far - again applies here - don't make someone your priority when you are their option. Wake up....

    Posted by spaceman August 18, 09 11:19 AM
  1. One more thing OTF-
    Liar liar, pants on fire! Reading the bootie call texts was no "accident". You read the text messages because you wanted to snoop. Us Love Letter readers can smell out lies like a fart in a closed car!!

    Posted by Shorty August 18, 09 11:19 AM
  1. wtf is an open relationship? its called a booty call and you paid good money to fly across the country for an "open relationship" Ugh... I feel bad for people who get caught up in the "if" and not living in the now. I must say I take part in that too sometimes but its time to write down the facts and accept them.

    You need to cut this sh!t out right now! You are not his girlfriend forget about the future... worry about you.
    Your freind is reallllllyyyy ANNOYING. If you want to talk to her, talk to her. I dont understand how she finds pleausre in hooking this guy up? IS she is agent or something... weird. Let her know that you didnt like that move..

    Posted by korriv August 18, 09 11:20 AM
  1. Wow. This is why open relationships rarely work. There is always one person that takes it as a free pass to screw anyone, while the other remains faithful.

    I would be hurt, too. You care about George and thought he cared about you. Did you actually say to each other that "if it happens, it happens" but not to go hunting for other hook-ups? Or was this never discussed? I assume the open-relationship was to be forgiving in a drunk hook-up circumstance. At least that's what you thought. Now George is taking it to a new level. However, if there were never rules established, he didn't break any. (Its sucky but true)

    I agree with Mere that your friend is the one to talk to right now. Get the whole story before saying anything to George. Although, it would personally make me feel better to say something to him(after you find out what happened). No need to scream or anything, just say to him that he hurt your feelings and it wasn't what you thought the "open" meant.

    Same goes for your friend, have an honest, calm talk about it. Again, say your feelings are hurt. If she is really your friend, she will feel bad and you can have a healing chat. If not, she doesn't deserve your friendship. Good luck. Find someone better while George is in Europe.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! August 18, 09 11:20 AM
  1. Also, he's not really your boyfriend. You use this term like it means something but based on what you've described, it's pretty loosely applied.

    Posted by move on August 18, 09 11:20 AM
  1. I agree with JC (#9). George was never your boyfriend. Sorry. I think everyone knew that but you. It just sounds like the 2 of you liked each other, you wanted more than he was able to give, so you decided to have an "open relationship' that meant something different to him than it did to you. Open means OPEN. He can date anyone he wants, where ever, when ever. Should your friend have set him up... um, yeh, because she also knew that the relationship was open. it sucks and it hurts, but he never wanted you as a girlfriend, just as a friend with benes. Now drop him, find someone new and develop a real relationship.

    Posted by EBNorwood August 18, 09 11:21 AM
  1. Reality check...George was never your boyfriend and please stop lying. You were totally snooping into his text messages. George should run as far away frm you as possible.

    Posted by Kay-Man August 18, 09 11:23 AM
  1. LW,

    You set yourself up to be hurt and angry. You were not honest with yourself or perhaps realistic about your expectations and now you want to blame George and/or your best friend.

    A couple of things:

    You wrote " We didn't want to be in a long distance relationship, but that's the way things turned out. To compromise, however, we have been in an open relationship."

    You agreed to this! What did you think open meant? Mistake number one

    You wrote:
    "George was in the bathroom and received a text message. I told him, and he asked me to respond to it. While I was in his text messages, I happened to see that my best friend who had introduced us had texted him a day or two before, saying that she was excited about setting him up with her roommate when he visits her...."

    You claim you were not snooping...WHAT???? You are crazy..You read a text that was NONE of your business... Mistake number two

    You are the one who is wrong here...You accepted the terms of an open relationship..PERIOD. Do you honestly think George has been faithful to you? Please...do yourself a favor next time...

    Be clear about what you want from a relationship and do not agree to something ridiculous like an open realtionship...and then get angry when it doesnt suit your needs...

    You can not have it both ways.....

    Posted by older and wiser August 18, 09 11:24 AM
  1. You need to tell them how you feel regardless if they have issues themselves. It's not healthy to carry this burden around. My suggestion is to write an email and cc them both. Say exactly what you wrote here about how you accidentally discovered the text messages and how it made you feel inside. Click Send.

    Posted by trueluv4eva August 18, 09 11:24 AM
  1. CLEARLY the friend and George will be hooking up soon if they have not already.

    Posted by Anonymous August 18, 09 11:25 AM
  1. First, I hope you used protection.

    I understand the planned break-up. I did that once, at the end of college. (As a side note, it didn't stick, when we were living in the same city a few months later we got back together for a while, it didn't work out but we remain friendly.) But you're in what you call is an open relationship, but you think of as closed until the break-up date, while he thinks is - at best - an open relationship (and at worst, a transatlantic booty call). End things now. You'll gain some control over the situation and feel better for no longer being the unsuspecting naive doormat. Then go to your friend and ask her to explain before you decide if you need to end things with her too.

    Posted by Kay August 18, 09 11:26 AM
  1. YAWN.....................Get over it!

    Posted by M August 18, 09 11:27 AM
  1. Brookline, LA, Chicago, Ohio, New York, Europe. Good thing I renewed my passport before logging on to LL today. Here's my advice: Move to Antarctica so Georgie boy and your BFF can get a well-deserved break from you. I'm pretty sure neither of them likes you very much right now, what with all the mosquito-buzz whining with which you're torturing them. After a nice long respite, I'm sure they'll be happy to hear all about how like totally frickin' cold it was in down there.

    Posted by Sally August 18, 09 11:28 AM
  1. IMO--- You have no right to say anything to George. This is the way "open" relationships go... if you don't like it, stop having them.

    However, I do understand the issue with your friend. Mainly because you said best friend, not just friend. Your best friend is someone you should trust completely, someone that should keep your best interests at heart. I'm assuming she knew your feelings about George. It was unfair of her to set him up with someone else without talking to you about it first. I think it is acceptable to bring it up with her...something like... "I know you didn't intentionally try to hurt me, but when you set George up with *roommate*, well that really upset me." See what she says. It's worth a conversation, to avoid a repeat in the future.

    Posted by Kathleen August 18, 09 11:28 AM
  1. I think you have a right to be upset with your friend. It sounds like she may have initiated the set-up of George and her roommate. I would definitely talk to her about it, ask her why she would try to set up George when she knows the 2 of you have been dating - even if it is planned that you will break up at the end of the summer. Don't be angry when you talk with her, but tell her you're hurt by this and explain your feelings - if she is indeed your best friend, then she should listen and try to see things from your perspective.

    One question - why is George going to grad school in Europe if he doesn't even want to go? I think that's kind of weird...

    Posted by Regina Felangy August 18, 09 11:28 AM
  1. Oh for pete's sake, either choose a casual, open, purely sexual relationship or a serious, monogomous, committed relationship: you can't have a little bit of both! If you want a serious, committed boyfriend, don't date some guy living across the country and keep it "open". The vast majority of men can do the open thing, the vast majority of women can't. Even in your ludicrously un-committed situation look at how attached you've gotten! Seriously, take a good look at what you want in a relationship (it sounds like you're looking for monogamy) and go after THAT - not whatever cute guy comes along.

    Posted by Sharon August 18, 09 11:29 AM
  1. So you're getting all pissy and filling your life with needless drama, not because any of it matters at all, but because of the 'principle' of it?

    Look, if you really can't just let this foolish drama with your friend go, then take Meredith's advice. Break it off with George once and for all - he may not have left the country yet, but if he's lining up dates, he's already gone. And stop referring to him as your boyfriend. You've created a silly relationship with a lot of silly, unrealistic rules - you're allowed to hook up with other people but not allowed to go out of your way to hook up with other people? Can you grow up please? - and he's clearly no longer playing by them. He is not your boyfriend. Don't wait for him to get on that plane, end it right now.

    As for your friend, sure, hash it out if you must. If she's actively finding dates for your ex, that's insensitive of her. But she probably figures that if you've been letting him sleep with other girls all along, what's one more?

    Posted by Rae August 18, 09 11:29 AM
  1. I think the people writing these letters are in serious need of attention...even if it comes in the form of abuse from posters on Love Letters.

    Geez, people, grow up!

    On the other hand, LL is great entertainment. So, keep the stupid letters coming!!

    Posted by Tommy August 18, 09 11:30 AM
  1. OTF - you obviously seem to care more about George and your friend than they care about you. That's unfortunate because you were expecting and deserve more consideration, at least!! So, in your immediately post-college time of uncertainty, put your energy into meeting new people, trying new things, travelling to new places (but not Europe). I would distance yourself from both of these people, and you'll see how much better things will be.

    Posted by Trueblue22 August 18, 09 11:31 AM
  1. A few posters have alluded to this already. OTF's trips to LA are basically the same thing as George's trip to Chicago. They're all booty calls, at least in George's eyes.

    But the real issue here is the friend. Either OTF's friend didn't realize how important George was to her, or her loyalty to George is stronger than that to OTF. If it's the first then a simple conversation will fix it, but if it's the second then maybe OTF is also unwittingly in an "open BFF relationship".

    Posted by multiple_open_relationships August 18, 09 11:33 AM
  1. Your line that George got a text message while he was dropping a dues so he told you to reply to it doesn't pass the BS test. Lets cut the BS and admit that while he was in the shower you went through his phone and now you are making up the part about him asking you to reply to the text for him. You are in an open relationship, you know there is no immediate future with him, he is doing nothing wrong setting up flings in each time zone. The more pressing problem is your snoopping, what is or isn't on his cell phone is none of your business. If what you say is true that he got a text while he was in the bathroom why even tell him, just let him answer it when he comes out, are you that much of a clinging that when a guy is in the can you have to still report to him? or maybe he wanted you to find the text messages so you will get the POINT!

    Posted by JP August 18, 09 11:34 AM
  1. When will people learn that they don't have the "right" to snoop into people's private email messages, text messages, etc.?

    Let's start with the LW telling us that, "...we have been in an open relationship."

    Reading further in the letter we discover that LW doesn't seem to think that an open relationship is... open!

    Now, about the snooping. Her BF tells her to check a text message that had just arrived on his phone and to respond to it. He did NOT tell her to go through and read previous days’ text messages and his responses to them. Obviously the LW has no sense of boundaries.

    But to top that she has the unmitigated gall to write “I don't know why my best friend would try to set my boyfriend up with someone else, even if we are in an open relationship.” Hello?!?!?! Anybody home, LW?!?!? You are in an OPEN RELATIONSHIP! Your best friend isn’t doing anything wrong.

    But it gets better! LW, who repeatedly mentions being in an “open relationship” shows her stupidity by writing “My best friend shouldn't try to set up my boyfriend with someone else, and my boyfriend shouldn't be lining up someone to sleep with when he visits Chicago.”

    This chick (LW) is wearing her panties way too tight! She’s trying to control the behavior of those around her while at the same time trying to give herself maximum freedom from anyone else’s input.

    I think LW deserves to be single for a long time.

    Posted by Sigh August 18, 09 11:34 AM
  1. To Summa! Baby Bumma! Why do you call yourself this? What does it mean? I've been wondering. Can you clear it up for me?

    Violet Affleck

    Posted by Anonymous August 18, 09 11:36 AM
  1. OK George is done you said so yourself so we can leave that one alone. Your friend if she took George's word for it is allowed to date other girls and she set him up and didn't tell you so that you would not feel hurt. Lastly, did you really sneak the look at his texts? I mean who asks someone else to reply to their text messages???

    Posted by techdood August 18, 09 11:40 AM
  1. I gotta disagree with JC - it's pretty obvious that your friend disobeyed an unspoken rule between females. Think about it: "Oh hey George - it's Lucy, LW's BFF? Yeah - I have a roommate in Chicago that would just *love* to meet you!!!" Yeah - not so much... She's evil. I think it's wishful thinking on her part cause she wants this guy and her butt is too big or something. I'd confront her about the pimping and tell her that you're angry. Allow her to beg for your friendship back - Then deny her.

    So - you're young and inexperienced. Let me tell you: "Open Relationships" have to be definied by mutual respect and guidelines. It's almost always a clear indication of a dirtbag guy with a case of "I want my cake and I want to eat it, too" There were too many assumptions made on your part. This guy was never your boyfriend - more like a close friends-with-benefits type.

    So listen, hard: Don't be afraid to demand what you want from a relationship. Otherwise, people will walk all over you, like this guy did. (See "Nice Guy" from yesterday's post) He broke no real "rule", so he's off the hook. What I WOULD do, however, is kick his rear to the curb. Take your cake back, honey!

    Cats not Dogs

    Posted by Rica August 18, 09 11:43 AM
  1. This is interesting and I am not as cynical as some. First I think the idea Monty (#5) pointed out is correct, the best friend would probably like to date George. I think that is especially true given the fact she has just been "dumped". So her overall behavior is questionable and I agree the LW should confront her and who cares if George knows...

    Except...one interesting point...Why does George not want to go to Europe? I think there is a chance, not knowing anything else, that perhaps he does not want to leave the LW If that is the case then maybe a bit more expectation talk with George would be worth the shot..

    If nothing else, enjoy the fact you had two trips to LA and he came to see you a few times. Clearly since you hit it off so fast the sex was good, as what else would there be? Thre is nothing wrong with that experience for a summer.

    Posted by Been There August 18, 09 11:44 AM
  1. To #37-- I was wondering the same thing!!!

    Posted by Kristen August 18, 09 11:45 AM
  1. Honey, with best friends and boyfriends like that in your life, you don't need enemies.

    So get off the fence and end your relationships with both these people.

    I wouldn't bother with confrontations, conversations, explanations, blaming, self-blaming, or good-byes.

    I'd just stop communicating with both of them, put them out of my mind, and move on to new friends and boyfriends. Chalk it up to experience, and plan to make better choices next time.

    Posted by TallGirl August 18, 09 11:47 AM
  1. George was never your boyfriend. You DID snoop in his text messages. Your best friend talks to George who tells her you two have an open relationship so she intros him to her roommate - nothing technically wrong there. Maybe insensitive on her part, but you need to move on. From both.

    And be more selective going forward. Long distance relationships are hard. Long distance booty calls are a waste of time and money and essentially that's what you had. Sorry you got hurt - been there, done that and it sucks. But learn and don't make that mistake again. Stick to real relationships if you want one. Not "open" ones.

    Posted by Patty August 18, 09 11:47 AM
  1. Geez, how dumb of George to have those texts in his phone and have you answer texts for him...If they were really that glaringly obvious and required no snooping on your part--then you would have been able to confront George about them, since you were innocently doing as he asked (supposedly).

    Posted by Betttty August 18, 09 11:48 AM
  1. "Open relationship" - meaning you have no hold on him - he's NOT your boyfriend.

    "breaking up in a few weeks" - ummm, not really. The "open relationship" statement kind of makes that a moot point, right?

    "read the text messages by accident" - ummm, yet again - not really. You could have scrolled right past them but you deliberately read them. George would have every right to be pissed off at you.

    So what to do? Get over this whole situation. Move on. End it with George now. Waiting a few weeks for when he moves to Europe means absolutely nothing, especially to him...it's already over in his mind since he's planning on hooking up with someone in Chicago on his way to Europe.

    As for your "best friend"? Perhaps she's not a "best friend". But talk to her. Tell her you're upset with her setting George up for a quickie hookup in Chicago. If she says "but you weren't really seeing George anymore!" you have your answer - that "open relationship" essentially tells *everyone* that anyone can do whatever they want - including your BFF setting up your "boyfriend" with a one-night stand before he heads off to Europe and those Swedish, French and Italian hotties.

    Just get over it. Next case?

    Posted by Linda August 18, 09 11:48 AM
  1. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort. Remember Cedric Diggory. What is right is to let both George and BF know that you were hurt by their conspiring to set George up while you were still in the picture. But the easy way works too - just ignore it and drift away from these two. In either case Voldy doesn't kill anyone.

    Posted by Cho Chang August 18, 09 11:49 AM
  1. Ditch George and follow Kathleen's (#28) advice. You may find that your best friend didn't know you and George were dating, and then again you may find that she's not your best friend after all. Only one way to find out. Just be prepared to move on from both relationships if the BF conversation doesn't go well.

    I miss Sally, Hoss and Valentino....

    Posted by J Bar August 18, 09 11:49 AM
  1. JP- your comment made me lol. It's "deuce"...as in 'number 2'. But I like your attempt with "dues"....like he's paying his bootie call fees to the toilet. lol.

    Posted by Potty Mouth August 18, 09 11:49 AM
  1. What is is with girls (and in this case the term is appropriate) that hook up with guys without a thought and then feel 'betrayed' or 'used' when they drop them like yesterdays lunch?
    Kiddo, this guy is not your boyfriend. Grow up, or you'll end up living alone in your mother's basement in the suburbs like a certain 'musician'.


    Posted by DrK August 18, 09 11:50 AM
  1. So finding the texts was definitely snooping, but George practically gave you permission to do it. He should have known better if he had all of those texts in there. Then again, maybe this wasn't a mistake. You get mad at him, yell - easy break up, right? Sure its wrong, but I wouldn't put it past some guys. I've seen it done.

    Secondly, your friend is supposed to be YOUR FRIEND. I don't care if its an open relationship or not. If she knows that you have the slightest interest in this guy and she should assuming she knows you're flying across the country to see each other, under no circumstances should she be setting him up with anyone. She's obviously not a very good friend. I'd tell her how I felt and then keep my distance.

    As for George - he's leaving anyway, so who really cares if what you say to your friend gets back to him. And I think the others are right - the friend definitely wants some of George.

    Posted by BoredGirl August 18, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Okay, I'll admit I'm old, but who the heck would put up with an open relationship? Ever. If you want to be free to have sex with multiple guys, why not become a prostitute and get paid for it? Otherwise, you're just asking for heartbreak (because let's face it, women always have more emotional investment once they've slept with someone) and an STD. Is any guy really worth angst and cervical cancer?

    If you think you deserve better (and I hope you do), drop "George" now and find someone who wants to be with you and no one else.

    Posted by Isolda August 18, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Have you thought about a threesome with your friend, geroge and you? From the looks of this it seems you all really like eachother.

    Posted by BRyan August 18, 09 11:51 AM
  1. You should bang your friends now ex boyfriend. That will learn her.

    Posted by Anonymous August 18, 09 11:53 AM
  1. LW, drop George (good Lord, how many miles does that boy have on him if your friend is pimping him to her friends?). Get tested if you didn't use condoms.

    And for God's sake, don't enter into "open" "long-distance" relationships again. Just don't. From your letter, this one has been nothing but drama, angst, and really fuzzy boundaries. If someone you're involved with is going to move or whatever, make a clean break from them (no phone calls, texts, emails, nothing). Find someone closer to home who can actually have a relationship.

    I need to shower now.

    Posted by PM August 18, 09 11:58 AM
  1. Thanks for not saying "like" at the beginning of every sentence.

    Posted by IamChachi August 18, 09 11:58 AM
  1. He asked you to look in his phone and respond to a text message which he knew could probably be about the fix up. He also left old messages in there for you to see where he was suggestively flirting with his new fling.

    He's probably openly sharing this information with you because he doesn't care. It sounds to me, like he's letting you know your place in his life.... which is... just another one girl he's sleeping with. Don't be naive to think "you stumbled across messages he didn't know were in there"

    Posted by Just another guy August 18, 09 12:00 PM
  1. Your 'friend' is the issue. I say bang her BF and see what she thinks of that treachery! Any friend like that deserves to be f'ed over. Get to it!

    Posted by big H August 18, 09 12:00 PM
  1. You know that George is not really going to Europe! He is breaking up with you, be thankful!

    Posted by wilma August 18, 09 12:03 PM
  1. My favorite part of this letter is "George doesn't want to go to Europe." Who's forcing him to go to graduate school, in Europe no less? I do hope LW writes back in to clarify this part. The rest of the situation is just overwrought drama as played out by the Entitled Generation.

    Posted by Sasha August 18, 09 12:03 PM
  1. I don't get how people in a open relationship anyway, I get so jealous when I see
    my boyfriend look at other women. I can not deal with that kind of openness.

    Posted by stephanie August 18, 09 12:03 PM
  1. Open relationships suck! I get dating and seeing multiple people and I get how that moves into a monogamous relationship but I don't get open relationships and I don't think that I ever will. They're really stupid and even the definitions of them and the parameters around them aren't clear. If nothing else OTF let this be a lesson to you that open relationships are a really dumb idea. Let George go who cares about him who the hell doesn't want to go to grad school in Europe!?! The only problem that I think that you have here is the friend and I agree with Meredith just talk it out, if she is the type of person that's going to talk to you about it and then run off and tell George about that then maybe that's reason enough for you to find another best friend? I mean do you really want a BF that would do something like that anyway? Best of luck to you and remember...no more OPEN RELATIONSHIPS!

    Posted by HK24 August 18, 09 12:04 PM
  1. Trying not to be mean spirited, I still have to agree with most of the folks here. OTF, it clearly sounds like you created a bizarre little set of rules for your open relationship. In fact, I'd say it really doesn't sound like you understand what an open relationship is.

    Here's your rule.. "You can't date anyone else... unless you really, really want to."?


    George has played by the rules of the open relationship.. It's..uhm... open. And you seem mad that he did this. You seem mad that your friend helped him. Let it go. You are really the one with unrealistic expectations here. And I agree with a previous responder - stop referring to him as your boyfriend. George may have been a lot of things to you, but a boyfriend has never been one of them.

    And by the way. "Respond to my text for me", while a stupid thing for him to say, is still not a carte' blanche invitation to go through any text message in his phone, no matter what you think, or who it's from, or how casually you 'notice'.

    In the future, make the commitment or don't. And don't come down on your friend either - I'm sure if you hadn't been in an "open" relationship, she would not be setting George up right now.


    Posted by Ceej August 18, 09 12:04 PM
  1. Comment #53 is PRICELESS... I wish I had thought of that!!!

    Cats not Dogs

    Posted by Rica August 18, 09 12:05 PM
  1. Hmmm...you travled to LA twice and he dropped by when he happened to go going to NY anyway? The ins and the outs of Eruope and Chicago on not important, really. This guy is just not that in to you. don't worry about it, in the end you'll be stronger. back in the day this would have been a long distance booty call, long distance relationship is a stretch.

    Posted by liz August 18, 09 12:09 PM
  1. GROW UP!! You sound like an elementary school kid! First of all, what you are describing IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. I'd call it a "fling", if that. If you want a guy to be committed to you, then find someone else who you can have a serious committed relationship with. But what you described is not serious at all and you can not expect any commitment from your "boyfriend" and you really can't expect your friends to treat your relationship seriously when it obviously isn't.

    Posted by Tom August 18, 09 12:09 PM
  1. I think you might want to consider surrounding yourself with different people and try to actively avoid putting yourself in needlessly complicated situations.

    Posted by kiki August 18, 09 12:11 PM
  1. I did long distance for years. Not open, but LD and it started out for both of us as a casual thing. Things happen. Whatever. But when I introduced him to my brother, my brother came up with the best line, and I think it applies here. "Nice to meet you. Most expensive piece of a$$ my sister has ever had". PRICELESS!

    Posted by meangirls... August 18, 09 12:16 PM
  1. You don't know who you are or what you want, but that's okay, you're young. Just relax. Keep the friend, keep the ex as an ex, and strive to understand yourself and what OPEN relationship means. Think about what you want in a relationship. Maybe OPEN isn't it. Strive for maturity- not immediately, but think long term about what you want and how you'd like to pursue those goals. You can't control others, but you can be passionate and understanding with yourself and pursue the world you'd like to live in.

    Posted by hippydippy August 18, 09 12:16 PM
  1. “Windy City Song Sung Blew?” Haiku

    Boy George pops Lake Mich
    Receives his farewell BJ
    Best friend milks prostate

    Posted by valentino August 18, 09 12:17 PM
  1. No one did anything wrong. Open relationship means open, end of conversation. I guess you could be mad if you friend was actually sleeping with the guy, which of course she is or wants to be. Anyway, now that you had a taste of this type of relationship maybe you will decide to not be in one because you cannot handle it. So the idioms of the day are:

    "To have one's cake and eat it too" and "vicious circle"

    Posted by Darwin August 18, 09 12:17 PM
  1. #29...best name ever

    Posted by sm1231 August 18, 09 12:17 PM
  1. to the poster: I think your hurt and anger really show that you have genuine feelings for this guy George and when that happens, and open relationship will not work. No matter if you guys are across the street or across an ocean. An open relationship just continues to leave you open to hurt feelings. Officially break up, date other people, and steer clear from that so-called "friend" of yours. If George is worth his salt, he'll man up and come back.

    Posted by Tiff August 18, 09 12:18 PM
  1. Hi Mr.Stephen S, I went out with some jerk told me to go sow my wild oak, I didn't
    know what it was, so my neighbor explained that to me, and I was so pissed.
    I am so dieing to go out with you Stephen. Not becuse to get that jerk jealous but
    becuse you are the nicest person I meet since my last relationship ended.
    and by the way I hope all the girl you meet want to go out with you like I do.

    Posted by Stephanie K August 18, 09 12:19 PM
  1. Poor you, poor George, and poor friend. A fairly pathetic lot, it sounds. You want a boy friend, find one. You want a friend, find one. You don't have either now. And look in the mirror to discover whether you are the you you want to be.

    Posted by Jackie Jensen August 18, 09 12:20 PM
  1. I must say I do get a kick out of youngsters pretending to be adults by agreeing to "open relationships" without having ANY clue as to what an open relationship really is.

    Or even bothering to mutually agree to what exactly their open relationship permits.

    LW's version of open relationship is:

    1). I get to date whomever I wish. You don’t.
    2). My friends can fix me up with whomever they wish. Yours can’t.
    3). If I name someone as my best friend she has to do whatever I tell her.
    4). I’ll talk to you whenever I want, even if you’re “busy” in the bathroom. You can’t.
    5). You cannot violate “unwritten rules”. I can.

    The ridiculousness of LW’s bi-polar standards is matched only by “boredgirl’s” claim that George “practically gave you permission to do it [snoop into past text messages]”.

    Posted by Sigh August 18, 09 12:21 PM
  1. Hello everyone, LW here. Thanks for the advice - I have some clarifications and news.


    1. George and were in a real relationship until the first time I left L.A., at which point it became "open" because we weren't going to see each other for months. He has an infidelity problem, but said that when we were fully together, I was the only girl he has never cheated on. Whoop-dee-doo.

    2. My best friend _is_ my best friend... we've been best friends for 17 years, since we were five years old. Her being close to George just complicates things, otherwise I wouldn't have any of these issues.

    3. I PROMISE I wasn't snooping. We read each other's texts all the time. But George didn't believe me either.

    4. For those of you criticizing me for being a loser just out of college not doing anything - I actually have a good job, don't live with my parents, and am spending the year applying to graduate school.

    5. The "breaking up in a few weeks" was to clarify the difference between what we were doing for the summer and the fact that we won't talk much while he's in Europe.

    6. He's having second thoughts about moving to Europe because he's moving to a country where he doesn't know anyone, doesn't speak the language (though it's the Netherlands so everyone speaks perfect English), and doesn't have an apartment because you can't get one without being in the country. Plus, he loves Los Angeles and will miss it as well as his friends. I can understand why he's nervous and scared and doesn't want to go, but he also knows that he'll be fine once he settles in.

    Now for the news:

    I decided I wouldn't talk to either of them about it until George left the country. However, once I knew that he had arrived in Chicago, I couldn't sleep at night because all I was thinking about was him being with my best friend's roommate. I ended up calling the BFF and asking her about it. She said that she didn't realize how serious George and I had been and apologized profusely and said that she never would have done it if she had understood what was really going on. I didn't intend on talking to George at all, but he overheard her talking to me and insisted upon being in the know. I was on my way out the door and couldn't talk to him, so my friend decided that she would brief him on what was going on, which I didn't want her to do but she insisted upon. When I called him later that night to talk, he was beyond furious, has accused me of snooping and being jealous and petty and annoying, and if you commenters think that I still need to be castigated, no need to worry, because he did it all for you and then some. He no longer wants to speak with me and has lost respect for me and thinks I'm insecure. I haven't slept in three days and am really upset that it ended this way. I hate it when people are angry at me for things that could have turned out differently. He had always encouraged me to be open with him about what I was feeling, and now that I am, it bites me in the ass?

    Anyway, we probably won't talk for a few months until he cools down. He can be very volatile, and in the meantime I'm working on convincing myself that I deserve someone better.

    P.S. Some of the things you guys said were pretty hilarious... he actually wanted to have a threesome with me and my best friend, plus we both think that she has a thing for him but know that it would never work between them, so tries to get him with all of her closest friends and live vicariously through us. This isn't the first time it's happened. But there's no way in hell I'll bang her ex... he looks like a fetus.

    Posted by On the fence August 18, 09 12:22 PM
  1. Wow - there should be a screening process for these people. I'd say she's retarded, but that would be an insult to mentally handicapped people.

    Posted by clortho August 18, 09 12:25 PM
  1. You are only human.

    But Meredith is right, it's an open relationship, and George didn't technically do anything wrong. It seems kind of slimy because a girl wouldn't do that but that is just one of those gender differences we have to learn to accept. And like Meredith said, your friend probably has reasons for why she set him up (she also technically didn't do anything wrong). I think you just need to admit to yourself you didn't want this relationship to be open. It's ok to want that. It's ok to feel bad you don't have the commitment you want. Just don't lash out at the others. It's just a crummy situation.

    Next time be more honest with yourself about your feelings. There is nothing wrong with what you truly want(ed). And when George moves... don't stay in touch. For a few months, anyway. Because you probably won't be honest with yourself about your "staying friends," even on a subconscious level. You really like this guy and you need distance—emotional distance—if you're really going to get over him.

    Posted by sometimes August 18, 09 12:25 PM
  1. OTF, I'm going to start this off by mentioning that I'm not much older than you. This is your own generation talking . . .

    "Open" relationships rarely come about from both parties' mutual wishes; rather, they come about because Person #1 doesn't want to be committed ("tied down") and Person #2 wants Person #1 so much that he/she is willing to take what she can. It's a road to heartbreak for Person #2 because Person #1's actions inevitably won't live up to Person #2's hopes/wishes/expectations.

    OTF, you need to respect yourself a little more. Being in an open relationship demonstrates either your lack of personal respect (you deserve someone who wants only you) or your respect for your partner (who deserves someone who wants only him). Either way, it's unhealthy and going to end up with somebody feeling used.

    It's very hard to learn to walk away from a love interest who won't (or can't) give you want you want/need. But it's really important to learn that lesson. The sooner you do, the more likely that you'll end up in a healthy relationship.

    Posted by Michaela August 18, 09 12:27 PM
  1. How many woman say they can handle an open relationship and can't !
    It makes me laugh when girls say they are cool with things and they are really hoping to change a man and snag him. Here's a clue, it never works. Your BF knows this and knows you live in a fantasy world.

    Get back into reality and find a guy that is right for you, not could be right....read that book, he's just not that into you while you are at it.

    Posted by Anonymous August 18, 09 12:28 PM
  1. "Open relationship" for a guy translates to "field day". Give a guy that flexibility and he'll take it (and why shouldn't he?) You have no reason to be furious with him because your relationship is ending with a definite timeline and he's clearly looking to the future. I don't blame him.

    Your friend is probably in the wrong for having done this without talking to you about it, or at the very least saying "hey, I know you two are ending things when the summer is over and I'm going to set him up with someone I know who I think would be a good match". Your friend should have at least given you the courtesy of a heads-up.

    Regardless of who's in the wrong, let it go and move on. Treat this for what it is - a summer fling after college before you begin living your lives.

    Posted by MB August 18, 09 12:28 PM
  1. Yeah, I mean, I can understand how OTF is feeling right now. She's hurt and wants to move on, but she can't. Or maybe she won't? In any case, the bones of this relationship continue to be picked on like last year's Thanksgiving turkey. OTF, you do know that George is moving away, right? You know that you're not going to have a future with him, right? OK. So now that we've cleared that up, I'd like for you to move on and find yourself someone who will love you and not cheat on you with someone else.

    Oh - let's address that too. George is not a free agent again, and he can sleep with whomever he wants. I think that he already tagged your best friend (sorry) and that he asked her for someone else in your circle. Maybe he's putting together his Favorite Fives on his network?

    All right, so that was mean - but the bottom line is that I hope that some day, OTF will get over George and live a more productive and fulfilling life.

    Now, to the comments -

    #8 - anytime you quote Benny Hill, you get points in my book. Great show too.
    #16 - For some reason, I flashed back to an agitated Beavis screaming "Fire!" when you said what you did above. Beavis would be proud.
    #49 - DrK hits another homer with his comments. I second those thoughts.
    #55 - Also agreed. I'm tired of people botching the language that our ancestors passed down to us. Well stated.

    My Dad says hello by the way. He was actually in a good mood today, which is why he didn't feel respond. I think he's going to the golf course - wait until he gets out in the heat! Then I expect he'll be back to pass on his wisdom and ill-tempered feelings.

    Lastly, good luck OTF. You're going to need it.

    Posted by Son of Admiral Antgro August 18, 09 12:28 PM
  1. Does anyone know where I can meet these girls? They sound like fun!!

    Posted by singleguy August 18, 09 12:29 PM
  1. An open relationship is not a relationship (facebook be damned)...you've been burned and learned your lesson. Sorry it was so painful. :-( Ugh. George is a freewheeling dbag who saw the opportunity and took it. If he cared about you "in that way" he wouldn't have treated you the way he did.

    Cut these frenemies out of your life! Life is better without drama.

    Posted by emmj August 18, 09 12:32 PM
  1. Hey OTF...about your update-
    It is often better to keep one's mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

    Posted by You deserve what you got... August 18, 09 12:33 PM
  1. Rico is back from his extended weekend holiday and feeling great. A little sunshine, a little relaxation and some great family time...

    Here we go with this letter: Rico thinks you need to get yourself new friends since apparently you don't have any. A friend would not do what she did to a friend knowing your relationship with the guy. don't be naive, this guy has been and will continue to "hook up" with every last co-ed he can get his hands on. Rico thinks it's time for you to move on to newer greener pastures. Brookline has a lot of nice single guys for you to meet, it's a nice area with plenty of people and places to go. Or get out beyond there and visit this place Rico heard about called BOSTON. It's a small city roughly a mile from Brookline and there are lots of Bars, museums, etc...

    Rico thinks you were crazy to have gotten your hopes up on this George and your friend was his friend, not yours. She is your acquaintance at best. George probably already is lining up something in Europe as Rico types and your "friend" is probably helping him there too and maybe even setting up a visit with him to "hook up" with him while he is there. Don't be naive or blind.

    Rico is back but busy so he'll try and check in later and see how the day is going. It is hot out there so stay cool. Rico suggests indoor activities for most and bikes for the rest of us :)

    Thank you to those that missed me and thank you for those that didn't and wrote about Rico while he was away. Rico appreciates all the publicity, good or bad. Keep the insults flying, Rico loves it.

    Rico may comment on the other 2 letters if he has time so keep checking back if he does.

    Love always,


    Gears not Gas...reduce your carbon footprint and leave a better Earth for the next generation.

    Posted by Rico August 18, 09 12:35 PM
  1. Sasha - RIGHT ON! This is SUCH a load of hooey.

    I would love to read a letter from a female who had SOME modicum of self esteem/self respect. It is so tiresome to hear the same diatribe "I want everything and though he gives me nothing, I pretend to go along with it until I don't get what I want." Boo Hoo Hoo. What part of "open relationship" do you NOT understand? And you fly to LA on YOUR dime? I'd be more po'd that I spent my hard earned cash on a trans-continental (NOT trans-Atlantic, as LA is on the left coast, not across the ocean) flight only to participate in a weekend long booty call!

    STOP MAKING THIS RELATIONSHIP something that it isn't/never was - real. No one who gives 2 cents about you would EVER treat you like that, open relationship or not. Stop whining, grow-up and spend time with quality people (friends included) who won't treat you like POND SCUM.

    Posted by big dummy August 18, 09 12:36 PM
  1. "We didn't want to be in a long distance relationship, but that's the way things turned out. To compromise, however, we have been in an open relationship."

    Who was it that first suggested this open relationship? My guess is George. In an effort to spare your feelings, he gave you this ultimatum and figured, might as well keep her around and continue to live the single life..He managed to get the best of both worlds.

    Posted by yougotplayed August 18, 09 12:38 PM
  1. Thanks for your followup comments.

    At this point, I'd thank the best friend for being understanding of your feelings, and explain that you had a different understanding of "open relationship" than George did.

    I wouldn't bother with George much in the future. He clearly did not put a lot into this relationship, at least not recently and he's off to another country anyway. Move on, remember you are only around 21-22. Consider whether you are maturing in a way that he is not and might be interested in looking for a relationship with commitment (if you meet the right person). That means approaching dating differently from the start, and not agreeing to "open" relationships, if this is not the type of relationship you are now looking for anymore.

    Posted by Good luck August 18, 09 12:40 PM
  1. PBOA - the shelf life on this was due to expire from the onset. Move on, next bus stop.

    Posted by MaryRo August 18, 09 12:40 PM
  1. OKAY LW - POSTING #76

    You are going to get REEMED on this site. I can't frickin' wait!!!

    You are a selfish, immature, whiney little BRAT of a drama-queen. I'm glad George "castigated" you.

    You don't deserve anyone - even someone who looks like a fetus.

    Grow up and get counseling - you need some serious help.

    Cats not Dogs

    Posted by Rica August 18, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Omigod, like totally cool, wow, like I can't believe he's going to like the Netherlands, isn't like totally where Peter Pan is from?!

    Posted by Sally August 18, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Oh, I had to get Dad over here because I just read OTF's comments (#76). But he refused to comment - so I'm going to say what I think.

    First, thank you for the clarifications/updates. We greatly appreciate it. Yet, isn't it odd that you wrote for advice, but ended up taking matters into your own hands? I'm sad that you didn't get George to come back to you - but with someone as slippery and slimy as he is, trust me, don't spend too much time crying over him. Yes, you can look back and enjoy the relationship for what it was but it's in the past. You have a great future to look forward to. Leave all memories of this clown behind. Seriously. You can and will do better.

    Seems like George is a sex freak and he will stop at nothing until his wiener falls off. Typical of a 20-something guy. Again, do not count this as a loss, OTF. This is a huge gain! You will do better. I promise.

    You're FREE to get sleep. Do not lose another minute's sleep thinking about this guy. Trust me, you have already let it affect you too much as it is. Rise above the conversation - the bitterness, the sadness, the ill feelings - and be your own woman. I wish you all the luck.

    Posted by Son of Admiral Antgro August 18, 09 12:41 PM
  1. You are much better off without him. He was just furious because you found out and he didn't want to explain anything. You obviously cared much more for him than he did for you. Be thankful you did find out instead of pining over him while he's in Europe.

    Posted by Be thankful it's over.... August 18, 09 12:43 PM
  1. LW - to your update...

    Who you foolin'? You said you didn't tell George about the texting...yet "But George didn't believe me either" re: text message reading.

    Your friend, WHOM YOU BEGGED NOT TO TELL GEORGE ANYTHING, went ahead and interceded yet again. I couldn't care less if you have been friends with her since the dawn of time - friends let you live your life and respect your decisions. NEITHER OF WHICH this person has done.

    And on the snooping thing - my husband has always allowed me to read his texts/e-mails/anything and you know why I don't bother? Because I trust him - I wouldn't NEED to snoop because we've built a foundation of trust upon which I don't feel the need to scrutinize every move, but if I did, he certainly wouldn't mind.

    Surround yourself with better quality of people - you deserve better.

    Posted by big dummy August 18, 09 12:43 PM
  1. Uh Rico....you referred to yourself as "me". You're slipping!

    Posted by Alvin August 18, 09 12:43 PM
  1. Oof, ok, now with this new information: "This guy has trouble with infidelity... he can be volatile." Sounds like a loser, honey. You are well rid of him. You do deserve better.

    "He had always encouraged me to be open with him about what I was feeling, and now that I am, it bites me in the ass?" Listen, I am on your side, but you weren't open with him. You weren't even open with yourself. And it does really sound like you were snooping and being insecure. The excuses "I had time to call the friend of the friend but then suddenly couldn't talk to my own supposed boyfriend" are setting off flags for me. You have got to be honest with yourself, first, and then honest with other people. Then there is no need for these silly excuses. It is very insecure. So, admit that it's a problem for you, and work on it, ok? Take some melatonin, go to sleep, and think about the things you love about yourself and try to focus on that. So that this never happens again.

    Posted by sometimes August 18, 09 12:43 PM
  1. OTF (re: #76)-
    Have you been skipping your meds?
    The craaaaazy store called and they're running out of you!

    Posted by Shorty August 18, 09 12:46 PM
  1. Open relationships never work out. Just see George as a casual fling. Clearly, that's how he sees you. And it sounds like your friend is treating it the same way. If she sees you and George as just hook-up buddies, then setting him up with other girls is fair game. She can't know how you feel unless you tell her. Stop wasting your time with George and find someone on this side of the country.

    Posted by ApostropheCatastrophes.com August 18, 09 12:47 PM
  1. Oh wow, this is just a sh!tshow and a half.

    First, with George, you knew what you were getting into. I know one couple who have been in an open relationship for going on a decade and neither gets jealous when the other hooks up--whether it was "planned" or not. Because that's how open relationships work. You have ZERO right to be pissed off at either George or your friend. ZERO. He was obviously not your boyfriend and likely never will be.

    With all due respect, you seriously sound so immature it's ridiculous. That's not even intended as an insult; it's intended for you to step back, take a good look at yourself and figure out what you want in a relationship and in life.

    I've said this before, I'll say it again and I'll continue to say it: "normal" relationships should NOT be this complicated. If this guy was right for you, he would show it and tell it to you and make an effort to make the relationship work. The right guy wouldn't be interested in other people (because obviously, it bothers you) and he would be WITH you--whether it be in Boston, LA or Europe. He'd find a way to either do the long distance thing or he'd have you come with him or he'd stay. He's just NOT that into you. If he was, you'd know it. Get over it, get over HIM and move on.

    As for your friend, again, she did nothing wrong. She set him up with what was likely meant to be a hookup. And since you're in an "open relationship", there's nothing wrong with that. If you're pissed about it, then ditch her as a friend. But you shouldn't be pissed about it to begin with.

    For the love of Pete, people--STOP making things so complicated!!!!! Isn't life hard enough without created relationship drama?

    Posted by K the Great August 18, 09 12:48 PM
  1. OTF - you are getting pilloried - rightly - for your inability to actually be in the open relationship you agreed to have. While I don't think that "open" relationships are actually very useful in most cases, I think that an "open" relationship certainly means you don't have a "boyfriend." I think George knew what an open relationship was, and I think your BFF did as well. I suspect that even if your mind had agreed to one, your had not. Move on and don't complain to either of them.

    As for "accidentally" reading the text messages...... whether on purpose or by accident - just don't. Nothing good can ever come of that. It reminds me of my grandfather taking us for ice cream when we were young. We would each get our favorite flavors and sometimes try each others' but he would always refuse. "Why would I want to taste your ice cream cone ? Either I will taste something I wish I could have, or I've got the taste of something awful in my mouth."

    And Sally (#27) - you are on a serious roll !

    Posted by Jeff August 18, 09 12:51 PM
  1. OTF, regarding your update (76):

    I'm glad to hear you have a good job. Because I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you...

    You're the only girl George didn't have an infidelity problem with?
    You called your girlfriend, George just happened to be there, you know she has a thing for him, but she's still your best friend?
    You think you and George are going to talk again in a few months?

    Sweetie, they're not angry at you. They're laughing at you.

    Pick yourself up off the floor and move on. And get a therapist to find out why you got into, and apparently want to stay in, these toxic relationships.

    Posted by TallGirl August 18, 09 12:53 PM
  1. I think your second letter confused the issue even more. He's not your BF, never was. MAYBE in the future, you'll mend the fences, but for right now, he's outa-sight-outa-mind and you should concentrate on doing your job and applying to grad schools. Your friend is velcrowed to this guy and as others have suggested, I would not be surprised if he and she haven't already slept together. Let him go, and meet someone local. Open relationships never work for the woman.

    Posted by californiadreamin August 18, 09 12:53 PM
  1. Time to let go of the litle girly relationships that are driving the boat named YOU.
    That response wreaked of 14 yr old HS drama. Go get some experience, have some fun and stop letting your "friends" hold you back.

    BTW, your BFF doesn't know how serious you are with a mutual "friend"?! Give me an f-ing break. She's either not your BFF or she's nailing him too.

    Posted by Darwin August 18, 09 12:53 PM
  1. One constant theme in LLs seems to be the ridiculously low standards of young women and what they will put up with; if you think you deserve better and should start acting like it; command respect to get it. So, go easy on the open relationships, booty calls, one night stands and you will see a dramatic increase in the quality of your dating lives.

    Posted by lilmonkeybean August 18, 09 12:53 PM
  1. Look at it this way... I think you've helped him out here by removing any doubts he has about moving to Europe. As we speak, he's in the process of moving up his flight. Next, he'll be pricing out a pair of clogs and a bicycle. A night in Amsterdamn should help him cool off.

    Posted by JPeterman August 18, 09 12:54 PM
  1. It boils down to this :

    Be thankful for the good times you spent with George. Don't risk a big, unnecessary brou-ha-ha with your best friend by bringing it up. Let it go.

    If you have stronger feelings for George than you're letting on - that's your own problem, since you agreed to the current situation in the first place. Don't project those feelings onto either George or your Friend.

    You're young. You'll be fine in a few weeks/months. Enjoy life - don't sweat the small stuff (and this classifies as 'the small stuff'). Good Luck.

    Posted by Ain't no thang August 18, 09 12:54 PM
  1. Let me get this straight - in your update (# 76) you decide to call your MMMF at the exact time George was going to coincidentally be there? Yeah right. Sounds like you are a passive aggressive drama queen.

    Hugs not Drugs

    Posted by Welcome back Rico! August 18, 09 12:56 PM
  1. Time to let go of the litle girly relationships that are driving the boat named YOU.
    That response wreaked of 14 yr old HS drama. Go get some experience, have some fun and stop letting your "friends" hold you back.

    BTW, your BFF doesn't know how serious you are with a mutual "friend"?! Give me an f-ing break. She's either not your BFF or she's nailing him too.

    Posted by Darwin August 18, 09 12:56 PM
  1. George has had infidelity issues in the past? Oh, honey! He does have a lot of miles on him. Sounds more like a disposable piece of trash than someone to take seriously.

    So--can't be faithful AND he's volatile? Sounds like a real keeper.

    Drop this curb-crawling slag.

    Posted by PM August 18, 09 12:56 PM
  1. oh my goodness. stop reading all of the self-promoting fools (talking in the third person? grow up!) on this blog and just hear this.

    George is an insecure loser - do not answer the phone when he calls you again (and they always do, my dear).

    and please get some therapy. you clearly hate yourself if you'd stay in a relationship like this.

    Posted by sick of Rico and those who need attention (or their own blog) August 18, 09 12:58 PM
  1. On the Fence, relax.

    Here's what you do:

    Sleep with every guy in site. Fulfill whatever kinky fantasies they have and more. Then, be sure this George character gets all the gory details. He will come back to you in a heartbeat and he will surely forget this losah girl he is (clearly) being force fed by your ex-BFF. Good luck.

    Posted by Lance Romance August 18, 09 12:58 PM
  1. You and he are both tools.

    Posted by Ron Mexico August 18, 09 12:59 PM
  1. #76 - Wait a minute... I'm confused by the clarification. You read each other's texts (who? You and George?) but he didn't believe you anyway? Huh? He admitted to having an "infidelity problem" and you stuck with him anyway?

    You should've waited to talk with your BFF even if you WERE losing sleep. I mean, with him right there, didn't you think the conversation would be overheard? That's just asking for it.

    "He can be very volatile" - hmm... George sounds like a gem.

    Your P.S. is the most confusing and disturbing part. I don't get it. He actually DID want a threesome? If so, he's looking more and more like an ass that you should've gotten rid of a long time ago.

    Posted by GrowUp August 18, 09 01:00 PM
  1. Whoa....after reading your follow-up, I have different advice.
    Get as far away from this douche as possible. Who was it that suggested an open relationship? Let me guess - George. He is a manipulative jerk and an a-hole. Tell your BFF the same thing. Unless he hasn't already sleazed his was into her pants, too.

    Good Luck,
    And really, seriously - Grow Up!

    Posted by DrK August 18, 09 01:00 PM
  1. Sounds like a gang bang in Chicago is waiting to happen.

    Posted by LandoCalrisian August 18, 09 01:01 PM
  1. I'm with Meredith....you really shouldn't have an issue with either of them.

    Also sounds like you're jumping to conclusions without knowing all the facts...which is expected, since it's really none of your business. Like Meredith mentioned, I too find it curious that you are assuming your best friend is to blame for their introduction. For all you know, he could've asked her to put him in touch with someone in Chicago, but you want to assume the worst of your so-called "best" friend.(let me guess...unresolved issues lying under the surface).

    You said yourself that you're in an open relationship with this guy AND that you will be breaking up with him soon....so his social life outside of you is HIS business (just as your social life outside of him) should be YOUR business. Not only is it none of your business, but you really shouldn't have any beef with your friend. He is after all....her friend too....and that's what friends do - hook up available unattached people (which he is) with other available unattached people.

    What exactly is the problem? You seem like you have these arbitrary rules that you probably didn't tell either of them (ie not ok for me to know about dates even though we have agreed on open relationship when I'm looking at text messages while here in LA with you). People aren't mind readers. You can't fault the two of them for doing as they should given the parameters of your current relationship (open and weeks away from official break-up). So, since you agreed to this, it doesn't make sense to complain about a ramification of it AFTER the fact. This is after all what YOU signed up for. You're not a victim here. Nobody forced you to accept being in an open relationship. You're also breaking up with him anyday now (gee...that sure is a stable relationship), .so what's the point of all this drama anyway? You say they're both under stress....so please don't add to it by bringing it up with either of them. Let it go, put this into perspective, and get on with your life. He's moving out of the country, you're breaking up with him, so don't worry....you won't have to fret about finding any more text messages while he's in the shower. Move on...and think about this the next time you decide to have an "open" relationship.

    Posted by bklynmom August 18, 09 01:03 PM
  1. Successful "open relationships"? Never seen one.

    As for your best friend, I think you need a new one. Whatever you call this relatoinship, no real friend would do what this one is doing - behind your back.

    It seems that you like this guy more than you are letting on, I am so sorry.

    Hookups/casual sex/hookups, or whatever you want to call this, can really mess up your head. I suggest you stay away from them until you figure out what you are really looking for.

    Posted by ava August 18, 09 01:03 PM
  1. LW, why do you want George to talk to you again? He's a jerk and you're better off without him in your life. Period.

    And why aren't you (more?) angry with your best friend. If that's what she is, then she should have put your wishes for this to between you two before his apparent insistence to the contrary. (Who's snooping now?)

    LW, don't be afraid to be angry and to express it. That doesn't mean you should explode or be mean, or that you shouldn't forgive. But you should stand up for yourself. Human relationships are pretty animalistic -- people will sometimes treat others as poorly as they think they can get away with. So, if you don't let others know in no uncertain terms when they have hurt or wronged you, it'll happen again. And again.

    Posted by Em August 18, 09 01:03 PM
  1. What kind of BFF doesn't know the tenor of the bangitating relationship you have with one of her other friends? Aren't they all open relationships at 22?

    Posted by jack-b-quick August 18, 09 01:03 PM
  1. Is Meredith Goldstein Jewish? If so, is she single? I am a attractive 33 year old Jewish Dentist looking to marry a strong independant woman within the Jewish faith.

    Posted by Eric DannaBerg August 18, 09 01:03 PM
  1. I hate to say it, but I have to agree with the other posters. George is not your boyfriend. And he isn't really doing anything wrong. Whatever you thought, an open relationship is open. If he really did ask you to respond to a text, maybe that was his way of letting you know he was activly seeing other people, without having to say the words to your face.
    Your friend on the other hand is a different story. If she is really your BFF, then there is a problem, regardless of how open your relationship with George is. It sounds to me as though she is unhappy about her recent split. Everyone knows that misery loves company. My BFF from HS was like that too. When she was unhappy, she would make sure that I was unhappy too.We are no longer friends.

    Posted by bellyb August 18, 09 01:05 PM
  1. PBOA - the shelf life on this was due to expire from the onset. Move on, next bus stop.

    Posted by MaryRo August 18, 09 01:05 PM
  1. OTF...
    WAKE UP!! Your BFF_is_NOT_your bestfriend any more. She is sticking it to you (and probably George too) and cooked up this little roommate Chicago bootay-call to stab you in the back. Based on your response, you probably deserved it. So- it's time to learn your lesson and move on.

    Posted by BFF is Laughing at You August 18, 09 01:06 PM
  1. I concur with much of what has been said. Let me break it down into a syllogism.

    P1. Your "best friend" is a pimp.
    P2. Your "best friend" is GOING to sleep with your boyfriend.
    C. Your "best friend" is not, in fact, a friend.

    Bummer. Move on and get rid of these toxic people.

    Posted by Nick August 18, 09 01:06 PM
  1. For those of you who haven't noticed, the LW has written back in the comments (#76).

    So, George officially sounds like a douche bag to me. You say he has an infedelity problem, and that he proposed a threesome with you and your best friend. And the way he reacted to you, maybe he is justified in a bit of anger, but sometimes when someone demonstrates excessive anger in reaction to something, then it may be that they have something to hide...possibly he is guilty of cheating on you when you were together fulltime, and is processing his guilt by laying into you?

    In my opinion, it's a good thing for you that he's moving away. Start the healing process, get over this jerk, and move on to someone who will want to be in a full-time, closed relationship with you. You deserve better!

    Posted by Regina Felangy August 18, 09 01:07 PM
  1. To quote Judge Judy: "You need to put a period on the end of this sentence -- move on, have a happy life."

    Posted by Jennie August 18, 09 01:09 PM
  1. OTF - now that you have clarified and resolved all. You must take a vow never to purchase an airline ticket to the Netherlands. Make him fbuy you a ticket to Paris and then forget the meeting point.

    On another note, why ask for advice and then go ahead and act before before waiting to read the advice. I feel used, hurt, angry and confused. What am i doing here?

    Posted by lizzzle August 18, 09 01:10 PM
  1. You're letting a guy who admits to having an "infidelity problem" upset you so much that you haven't been able to sleep for three nights? And your supposed BFF is the one who caused Boy George to be so enraged by telling him the story? Oy vey!! PLEASE listen to Rico's (and others) good advice to find new friends and get outside and enjoy the rest of your summer. Jerks like George shouldn't waste your time. Even George Costanza would behave better. Best wishes!!

    Posted by Trueblue22 August 18, 09 01:14 PM
  1. Wow!! How long was George in the bathroom? You had time to read the new text, a text from a day or two prior and to go through his dialog with the roommate? I'm guessing he brought the newspaper in with him. This story just gets more bizarre by the minute. Please take the following advice from David Letterman to George Constanza: "Next time, break the Prozac in half." But really you should completely forget this guy and meet somebody new. By any chance, do you like struggling musicians with a penchant for lying and bad beer? If so, I think Meredith can hook you up.

    Posted by JPeterman August 18, 09 01:15 PM
  1. He is NOT your boyfriend, he is your friend. He can be fixed up with anyone he likes. The reality here is he is going to Europe and you are not, so the both of you need to move on. If you choose to keep the lines of communication open, then so be it, but realize that he is going to have a life in Europe and you should get a life here.

    Posted by linda August 18, 09 01:17 PM
  1. After reading your follow-up....

    do NOT talk to him after he "cools off"

    I agree with DrK (109). COMPLETELY manipulative. He freaks out and is "volatile" and you still plan on TALKING to him?! WHATTT???!!! He has you wrapped around his finger. And your "best friend" as well. No friend would do that, no matter how involved you are with the guy or not. RUN LIKE HELL from the both of them.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! August 18, 09 01:17 PM
  1. Aside from the fact that you clearly have unrealistic expectations of an "open relationship" (which is an oxymoron, in my opinion), you're conveniently forgetting that George is also one of your BF's closest friends. In other words, it's not all about you, you, you. The two of you dating has probably put her in an awkward position, especially since you and George clearly have different ideas about the rules of your "relationship".

    So, while I can understand you being upset, you don't really have a right to be. Your friend probably didn't realize you were taking things more seriously than he was. Oh, and if you're going to snoop, at least admit it.

    Posted by Allie August 18, 09 01:17 PM
  1. Stop referring to this dude as your boyfriend. He's not.

    Posted by Dr. Phyllis August 18, 09 01:18 PM
  1. My guess is your friend is going to laugh at you when you say George is your boyfriend. You met him a few months ago. You "dated" despite living 600+ miles away? You flew 3000 miles to see him a few times and he took the bus up from NY a few times. That's dating? Or a boyfriend?

    You certainly didn't establish any sort of relationship to expect you will even be in contact with him once he finishes grad school. Move on.

    He is off doing his thing, you nned to go do yours.

    Posted by johng August 18, 09 01:20 PM
  1. I honestly don't think George likes you as much as you think. You have made all of the effort this summer with two trips out to California. He has visited you only when he was in New York for other reasons. You don't seem to be a priority for him, especially since he is flirting with strangers via text while you are visiting. He probaby asked your friend to hook him up, and she's probably the type of girl who can't say no to their guy friends. I would move on. Talk to your friend about it if it bothers you that much, but don't worry about preserving a relationship with George going forward. He doesn't seem to be waiting around for you.

    Posted by doobie August 18, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Why is it that guys tend to be the winners in these long distance deals?

    A recurring theme: Females pretending to place little importance on their vulnerability* to the degree that they lie to themselves and others that they are completely OK with open relationships. Then, they get burned emotionally and wonder how these things happen to them.
    *(usually having sex with someone opens up that space in a girl's heart where she becomes emotionally entangled and out of fear of losing that guy, they become doormats. if there is any reason for women not to get sexually involved with someone before having some sense of shared emotional commitment this is it). Strange thing about it is that most guys KNOW this and use it to their advantage because it so darned easy today.

    Posted by HeartofWonder August 18, 09 01:23 PM
  1. He's just living his life out in Los Angeles, and you are not part of his life.

    If he was into you, he would move to where you are and start a real relationship.

    Clearly you are not in his life plans. This "open" relationship sounds fine. It means you're just friends and maybe more when you end up seeing each other. It's fine. But you can't expect him to put things on hold. He's trying to meet other women, because he's not tied down to anybody.

    It sounds like you shouldn't have agreed to be in an "open" relationship.

    And what do you mean you wouldn't "look" for anything else, but if it "happened", then it would be okay. Well, he happens to be traveling to Chicago, and your friend just happens to have a friend there for him to hang out with. Isn't this exactly what your definition is?

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons August 18, 09 01:24 PM
  1. The reason he overheard your phone conversation is because he was lying right next to her! "George and were in a real relationship until the first time I left L.A., at which point it became "open" because we weren't going to see each other for months. He has an infidelity problem, but said that when we were fully together, I was the only girl he has never cheated on. - IDIOT!!! - Why would you believe this ahole?? You need to re-evaluate yourself. This guy told you this stuff and you stayed with him anyway, and then agreed to an open relationship? What is wrong with you? Another thing, he can be very volatile? This guy is a LOSER and you are loosing sleep over him? Really, seek help.....love yourself more.

    Posted by M August 18, 09 01:28 PM
  1. Okay...after the update... I'm thinking you're really a bit crazy. I think you have more problems then can be covered in this forum. I know it's the cliche thing to say on this blog but... seek help. Immediately.

    You spent time writing this letter about a man with an admitted "fidelity problem" and one who suggested a threesome with you and your best friend.... I mean, really? HELLLLO, wake up over there. You played with fire, and well... you got scorched.

    Posted by Kathleen August 18, 09 01:28 PM
  1. Mere, as usual, discriminates fabulously and strikes at the heart.

    Posted by Mario August 18, 09 01:29 PM
  1. Rico apologizes for a "me" reference...the keyboard got away from Rico for a second....

    Rico wants to take everything back from his earlier post after reading the LW's response.

    This is Rico's new answer:

    Rico thinks you are a childinsh, foolish, idiotic loser in need of a good swift kick in the behind. Rico thinks you are a MORON and don't deserve any sympathy. You were sleeping with a guy and your "BFF" of 17 years doesn't know it was serioous? Come on now, Rico wasn't born yeaterday. Rico thinks you are a liar, a fool and a useless troll...basicall human waste. Save everyone time and get a life. You and your BFF go TXT someone else and please do Rico and his people a favor and don't chew gum while you are doing this as it surely will result in you tripping on a stone or worse you could be driving and hit a trolley.

    Don't write back in, the advice Rico and everyone has for you is this:




    PS...You need a hobby.

    Posted by Rico August 18, 09 01:33 PM
  1. LW #76: Sorry, honey, but you were PLAYED. You already knew he was a cheater and you bought a line like "but when I'm with you, you're the only one for me"? You let George have his cake and eat it too! Well, you learned your lesson the hard way, I'd say.

    Posted by move on August 18, 09 01:38 PM
  1. You got exactly what you bargained for in that relationship, dear. Now grow up and snap out of it. And for God's sake, if you're that stupid, please don't bring any children into this world.


    Praying that they put an ignore feature on these boards so we don't have to listen to Rico's mindless drivel.

    Posted by Chloe-OBrien August 18, 09 01:40 PM
  1. Sally -
    If each compliment was a battery, you'd have vibes for life. Well done, girl.

    Posted by valentino August 18, 09 01:43 PM
  1. I thought BFF was best friend forever...that's what my 13 year old niece told me...and open relationships, threesomes, looks like a fetus? Sounds like your BFF wasn't a very goof friend. You sound like a HS girl dating a guy that is in college and now he has found someone equal to him in intelligence and left you alone without a date for the prom. wah wah wah

    You are a childish whore deserving of the treatment you have received. George showed you what he was and you knew it going in but thought you could change him and hang on to him for some reason I can't fathom.

    My question is why?

    Posted by Thankfully Rico is back August 18, 09 01:44 PM

  1. “He no longer wants to speak with me and has lost respect for me and thinks I'm insecure. … I hate it when people are angry at me for things that could have turned out differently.”

    One has to have respect in order to lose it. He didn’t have respect for you and you are insecure. Nobody is angry at you – things weren’t going to turn out differently and you have only yourself to blame for not taking charge and being honest about your emotions.

    He had always encouraged me to be open with him about what I was feeling, and now that I am, it bites me in the ass?
    Sounds like he just wanted to know how long he could get away with using you.

    You were snooping. My first question as I was reading your letter was why he would ask you to respond to a text on his phone. You had to open his messages (already sent and received) to peek at history. That IS snooping and you know it. There are no accidents as you would have people believe – nobody is buying this, not for a moment.

    You are young so hopefully this is a lesson to you. Be honest with yourself and try developing some dignity and self respect. Gals who allow guys to take advantage of them are the very reason that more and more guys have little regard or respect for the ladies.

    Posted by DisHeartening August 18, 09 01:49 PM
  1. You are definitely 18yrs and there was not a shred of clarification in your update.

    Your problem again was, what…You’re being used and don’t know how to walk away? The comprehension of an ‘open relationship escaped you’? You need to um, like, find a new ‘best friend’? Honesty about infidelity means monogamy, right?

    Do you get it now? Did this reality session help you grow up at all, in any way? Cuz puhlease -You are so not a loser out of college...Mom and Dad only pay your bills; you don’t live with them!

    It’s funny, I guarantee the majority of these commentators have legitimate issues they attempt to write in and yet this is what is displayed.

    Posted by Rossia August 18, 09 01:53 PM
  1. Val, have a pleasant marriage and call me when you sign the divorce papers. In all seriousness, my best to you and you and your lighthouse. May she guide you home in the darkest storm and cast her light on the clearest night. And all that other stuff.

    Posted by Sally August 18, 09 01:56 PM
  1. Summa! Baby Bumma! You still haven't answered my question! What the hell does your name mean????

    Posted by Violet Affleck August 18, 09 01:57 PM
  1. LW- After reading your follow-up, your "boyfriend" sounds like a complete loser and you are coming off as a bit of an impulsive fool. George did nothing wrong intially, other than being his general whorish self. You did not have a relationship (because that takes two). You did however, waste good money for a couple of long distance booty calls. Hopefully, they were worth it. He obviously doesn't care much for you, and even though you apparently do not care much for yourself either, please wise up, heed the advice that is being given and forget George. Write this whole thing off as an expensive, silly mistake and learn from it.

    Posted by Neil August 18, 09 01:59 PM
  1. Praying that they put an ignore feature on these boards so we don't have to listen to Rico's mindless drivel.

    Posted by Chloe-OBrien August 18, 09 01:40 PM
    Mere: Here's another vote for adding an "ignore" option. And for the same reason as Chloe's.

    Posted by Truman August 18, 09 02:01 PM
  1. How can you have an "infidelity problem" in an "open relationship"? Do you complain you have a leaky pipe when you take a shower?

    It seems everyone else had no idea what was going on, probably because your version of "open" is more like "open*" where "*" denotes a bunch of arbitrary conditions known only to you, which you spring on people when they least expect it and with no logic applied to any of it.

    Move on. Maybe you can keep it up with your BFF and you'll make up with George when you are in their wedding.

    Posted by K August 18, 09 02:02 PM
  1. valentino (#138) - Brilliant comment re: Sally and the compliments she gets. LOL!

    And after reading the LW's response (#76), all I can say is Rico (#135) is right this time - you ARE a moron and DO need to grow up! How in the world someone can be THAT dense, I do not know. Frightening to think that this is what institutions of higher learning are spewing out on an annual basis.

    But....having said that - these LLs are getting more and more "out there". I cannot take most of them seriously anymore. At least I pray they're not serious, and really hope that it's just several people having fun with writing up a letter to Mere with as many bizarre situations as they can dream up. And if they *are* real? Holy $hite, Batman - there are a lot of people out there with absolutely no common sense!

    Posted by Linda August 18, 09 02:06 PM
  1. You and your BFF are both suckers for this guy. You agreed to an open relationship you clearly didn't want. She is so smitten with him that she'll set him up with everyone she knows (simultaneously), and can't say "no" to him when you call her on the phone.

    Try not to give George another passing thought. He's good at manipulating, and he knows he can get away with just about anything with you and your BFF. I understand that you are upset at the way things ended, but George is clearly trying to blame you for everything just so he can make a clean break and not feel guilty. Let him go, and please try not to loose any more sleep over this. The reality was, he was gone before this whole mess started.

    As far as your friend, as I said, it sounds like she is smitten with him, and has lost all ability to use proper judgment when he is involved. (Or, she really is a clueless *%*#, and I am just giving her the benefit of the doubt). Although I wouldn't necessarily cut her out of your life, I'd work on making new friends. With any luck, this George thing will pass, and she'll regain her senses.

    Posted by two sheds August 18, 09 02:07 PM
  1. It's interesting how you're pissed at your "bestfriend" but not at your " boyfriend." Why are you blaming your BFF for this hookup? ask yourself this question, please. Are you really pissed at George for even agreeing to this hookup/date? Your BFF did not twist George's arms. Obviously George wanted your friends' roommate, and that is why they're hooking up.
    I feel like hitting you in the head right now. Where's your brain? Geez!!!!!11

    Posted by ida August 18, 09 02:13 PM
  1. Honey, take a step back and realize this:

    1) George is a dbag

    2) your friend is a dbag

    Get some sleep and take this as a lesson for the future. If you put up with behavior like this from both your "best" friend and this guy, then your self-esteem and self-respect are negligible. That troublesome aspect is worth losing sleep over, not George's AND your "best" friend's dbaggedness.

    Posted by Piccola August 18, 09 02:14 PM
  1. Get a new local BFF...have fun with new BFF. Forget George and childhood BFF.

    George is scared of going to Europe?, sounds like he really thought that one out.

    You don't have a relationship with George. He had a F-buddy. Move on.

    Posted by Dave August 18, 09 02:14 PM
  1. LW, there's a reason why therapists are needed in our society - because people, in a relationship, act like inconsiderate jerks or act without considering the consequences, and that messes up people's heads. Maybe you should consider making an appointment with a therapist soon, to sort out your issues. All the best.

    Posted by The Dude August 18, 09 02:27 PM
  1. Easy letter: the LW is delusional.

    First, George is not her boyfriend. You can not say: he's my boyfriend, we are in an open relationship. By definition, if you are in an open relationship, you do not have a boyfriend unless you are into the polyamorous thingy.

    Second, your "friend" is not really your best friend. "My best friend from home": what does that even mean? You have been apart from this girl for years. Do you understand that when she came with George she already had told him that she had a friend he could hook up with (YOU)? It is clear that your "friend" is really George's friend. So when you say "my best friend from home" she probably says "a friend from home." George is her friend, you are not.

    But follow the bad advice here and confront her. George and her will be making fun of you. She will tell George: "I'm not going to introduce you to more girls, you keep making them go all psycho."

    So remember this: 1) George is not and was not your boyfriend (stop the "break up" bs) and 2) Your friend, is really George's friend.

    Posted by MS August 18, 09 02:31 PM
  1. Let's look at this from the (most likely) perspective of George and the BFF. The BFF wasn't aware of you two being serious? She's lying. Reality: George (SINCE HE"S CLOSE WITH HER TOO) confided that he ultimately does not want to be with you. He's just looking for some a**. BFF doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but has a sense you're a little psycho, probably from your insecure comments and strategically timed phone calls. So, she goes behind your back, knowing full well George has no intention of continuing anything with you. She didn't want you to know, but you're a snoop and you found out. Not honest of her, yes, But she's on his side. And you acting as unreasonable as you sound in this letter may be why.

    Posted by umass07 August 18, 09 02:31 PM
  1. and in this "open relationship" with a virtual stranger who lives 3000 miles away you dated how many other people?

    Look, people here are trying to help you. I am sure you are a lovely person, forget the two of them. (In time your BFF will become your old high school friend and George will become a distant bad memory.)

    Go out with friends at work or other local friends and move on from these two... in time a short time you will be very glad you did.

    Posted by Dave August 18, 09 02:34 PM

    Posted by whitney houston August 18, 09 02:34 PM
  1. Ok now that the LW replied it is more obvious she IS lying about snooping on his texts and that she is a fool for putting up with his even worse behaviour than we first knew of..

    Posted by techdood August 18, 09 02:35 PM
  1. George has problems, big problems. Perhaps this was part of the attraction for you: "I can change him, he wants to be different with me, that means I am special." Forget it!

    I have been exactly where you are. At your age, someone who creates drama can seem very compelling, while more straightforward guys can seem dull in comparison. The thing is, you don't need this kind of drama -- from George or your BFF. It will eat up all of your energy and attention (which it appears to be doing, since you're not sleeping) until you will wake up one day and realize you have wasted a lot of time.

    My advice to you: take a few days to think about what goals you want to set for yourself for the next 10 years. Think about what interests you have that you want to cultivate to become a person who feels self-sufficient and happy. Then, make a list of some of the most immediate steps you can take to get those things rolling. Work on yourself -- enjoy yourself -- become more solidly grounded in yourself.

    In the meantime, promise yourself to spend more time with people nearby (roommates, co-workers, friends you have or meet in pursuing your new interests). Developing a social world where you are will be the best antidote to all the emotional drama far away that feels so compelling.

    Posted by Change Your Life August 18, 09 02:36 PM
  1. This letter is another example of one of those under 30 year old *best* friend situations. Memo to OTF and other U30s Not everyone you know is your *best* friend!
    On the girl/woman who is actively running a dating service for you love interest-She is NOT your best friend. She is not even a friend. She may qualify as an acquaintance- but that even sounds iffy. As mean girls (#14) pointed out, this woman broke all of the rules about friendship. Obviously she and George don't give a hoot about you. Actually she and George sound like they are best friends. I think this whole thing blindsided you, but as others have pointed out, he was never really your boyfriend. It sounds like you have only spent a few weeks together in the same location. He was just a flirtation and friend with benefits. Let go-move on.
    Since you are hurt by them, your best bet is to cut them both off cold turkey. Neither of them is worth any drama. Delete their privileges from facebook/my space; change your cell phone number and email. No need to waste anymore time or energy on this. It is a learning experience. There are a few weeks of summer left go enjoy them as a single chick on the prowl.

    Posted by Wonderwoman August 18, 09 02:36 PM
  1. "He looks like a fetus"

    Okay - I'm actually writing in support of the LW. This whole scenario was pretty absurd, and I think from the very beginning when he visited at spring break and they tried to continue their relationship, there was NO way this was going to end well.

    Here are some facts:
    "Open relationships" never end happily ever after.
    Long distance relationships never end well unless the relationship is established and the two are parties are wholly committed to each other. This was never the case for Georgie and OTF.
    Looking through your bf's/fb's (whatever he was) texts will not end well either.

    You are 22, have a good job, and taking a break from school to get your ducks in a row for grad school. The world is your oyster. You have so much living to do ahead of you. The George/BFF situation was a complete disaster, but I guarantee that you learned something very valuable from it. I'm sure you also learned to not expect sympathy from anonymous online message board posters.

    I wouldn't be so hard on your firiend. I actually believe that she probably didn't mean anything malicious by setting up George with her friend, because she didn't understand your perspective on the relationship. She probably only heard it from George - and clearly, he wasn't thinking that what you two had was anything serious. He's immature, and still in full time playa mode. Move on. So what if he's pissed off. He'll move on and screw another relationship up in no time. Trust me.

    Good luck in grad school. I'm sure you'll meet somebody much more deserving of your time and effort.

    Posted by veggiesaregreat August 18, 09 02:39 PM
  1. "He can be very volatile"

    That should be all the reason you need to walk away and never look back. Let the Netherlands, LA or NYC have him.

    "in the meantime I'm working on convincing myself that I deserve someone better."

    You do deserve better.

    Put your own words back together and repeat them to yourself while looking in the mirror for 10 minutes a day until you believe them.

    Posted by QMLB August 18, 09 02:44 PM
  1. Well said Linda and, speaking of oxymorons, common sense ain't so common anymore! Hard to believe people, including this LW, can breathe on their own!

    Posted by big dummy August 18, 09 02:55 PM
  1. 2 Days Without Hoss! Nooo!

    At least Rico is back.

    Posted by LoveRico August 18, 09 02:56 PM
  1. The most disturbing part of this letter and the LW's follow-up comment is the fact that there is still anything to discuss. He's moving to the Netherlands, he clearly is the one who wanted an open-relationship to begin with, and he is "volatile". Done and DONE.

    Posted by DONE August 18, 09 02:59 PM
  1. Re/ the LW's reply...Geez, what a nitwit.
    Can we declare a moratorium on letters from anyone under 25? These college kids are from the world of hook-ups. They wouldn't know a real "relationship" if it bit them.

    Posted by Sharon August 18, 09 03:00 PM
  1. You are definitely 18yrs and there was not a shred of clarification in your (#76) update.
    Your problem again was, what…You’re being used and don’t know how to walk away? The comprehension of an ‘open relationship escaped you’? You need to um, like, find a new ‘best friend’? Honesty about infidelity means monogamy, right?
    Do you get it now? Did this reality session help you grow up at all, in any way? Cuz puhlease! You are so not a loser out of college...Mom and Dad only pay your bills; you don’t live with them!

    It’s funny; I guarantee the majority of these commentators have legitimate issues they've attempted to write in and yet this is what gets displayed.

    Posted by Rossia August 18, 09 03:00 PM
  1. "Gals who allow guys to take advantage of them are the very reason that more and more guys have little regard or respect for the ladies."

    Men who need women to be their surrogate mommies and teach them right from wrong are the very reason that more and more women have little regard or respect for men. If you are so stupid, clueless, and entitled that you will try to get away with anything unless I treat you like a dog, I won't bother with you.

    That bit about respect? It goes both ways.

    Posted by PM August 18, 09 03:02 PM
  1. You totally got played here. George says you were the only woman he's never cheated on? I have to wonder how many other women he's said the exact same thing to. I wouldn't believe anything he says about his capacity for fidelity, esp. given that he's lining up a fling on his way out of the country.

    Clearly, he got angry with you because he can't handle saying goodbye in a decent, kind way. I had a transatlantic relationship with someone for a few years, and we ALWAYS got into a fight right before one of us would leave to go home. It was a way of being self-protective. I'm sure George is doing the same thing, protecting himself, making himself out to be the wronged party, so that you're the bad guy, etc. etc.

    This guy obviously knows how to play you like a rigged card game.

    Now you're not sleeping, and are even more hooked into the drama. You sound like you get addicted to relationships. You might want to look into the book, Women, Sex and Addiction--I think that's the title. It could be very helpful. Of course, if that's your pattern, it'll take you years to break, but every journey starts with that first step. Take it.

    Posted by I love Sally and I'm a girl August 18, 09 03:14 PM
  1. Run from your not-really-and-never-was-a "boyfriend." Run from your so-called "friend." Then run to Google and look up "open relationship" before you ever think of entering into one again.

    Posted by Truman August 18, 09 03:15 PM
  1. I'm with Monty. I think now that your best friend has been dumped she is looking at George. What better way to keep him close than to set him up with her roomate. When it goes south he can just cry on her shoulder. Don't be surprised if you get a wedding invite from both of them.

    Posted by jojobobo August 18, 09 03:16 PM
  1. He's not your "boyfriend".

    Posted by dave August 18, 09 03:16 PM
  1. oh GOD will you people hating on Rico leave him alone already? It is really annoying. You don't have to read his post. He starts off by identifying himself. Stop reading it and then bitching you read it!

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! August 18, 09 03:18 PM
  1. "I hate it when people are mad at me for things that could have turned out differently."
    Different how? Like if you hadn't snooped? obsessed over a guy who clearly just liked to bang you when you were in the same zip code? Caused long-distance drama?
    Why exactly should these people NOT be mad at you?
    You don't deserve someone better, but i think your friend and george do. Enough with the george bashing - any dude who can get laid this often even after admitting he's got "a problem with infidelity" (ie, is 22), has anger issues and is moving to europe is a HERO. He makes yesterday's rock start look sorta boring by comparison.

    Posted by Q August 18, 09 03:20 PM
  1. Aw, Kiggy likes Rico!

    Posted by Kiggy August 18, 09 03:21 PM
  1. I don't think the letter writer was too comfortable and on board with this "open relationship" and had stronger feelings for George than George apparently has for her. While I think it's a little gross he feels the need to get one more U.S. bang in before he goes to Europe in a few days, some guys are just like that.

    I don't think the letter writer's friend was completely right or wrong in setting up George. She was probably under the same impression as George that the LW and him were over and that it didn't really matter. I guess it depends on how long the friend knew each party and how honest the LW was being with her friend about her feelings. If someone is in an open relationship, that usually means the parties involved don't need to check in with the other one if they want to date other people.

    Another thing to note is that George didn't want to keep the relationship alive with the LW, but he's willing to start seeing another girl right before he has to leave? I honestly don't think George would really want any future relationship with the LW when he gets back if he's wanting to date other people this casually as well. Get over him and move on. That's my 2 cents.

    Posted by behonestwithyourself August 18, 09 03:23 PM
  1. George is a man-whore and the so-called "best friend" has issues not with George, but with the LW. How cruel of the best friend. I'd not be gentle with her, not at all, and let her have it (verbally, of course). Then ditch the (rhymes with ditch).

    I'm sorry for the two losses you are about to experience, OTF. But it will be better for you in the long run.

    Posted by reindeergirl August 18, 09 03:24 PM
  1. As we all learned from last Thursday's letter, girls love guys that are arrogant, unattentive jerks that treat them like garbage. You are obviously no different. If you were smart you'd opt for happiness and cut ties with this guy and make amends with your best friend since its not worth losing an 17 yr friendship over some d -bag...

    but since I imagine there's no way that you don't pick up the phone the next time he calls, mentally prepare yourself to be miserable for an indefinite period of time while he continues to use you. That is, until he finally finds someone he really likes and tells you not to call him anymore.

    Posted by Donkey Lips August 18, 09 03:26 PM
  1. OMG LW....do not write back in....you just made it worse for yourself.

    Posted by bgcomreader August 18, 09 03:27 PM

    Posted by trueluv4eva August 18, 09 03:41 PM
    I wanna hear what happened to the fake-rocker-suburban d-bag from yesterday!!!!

    Posted by Next August 18, 09 03:42 PM
  1. You shouldn't be mad that your friend is setting George up with a girl in Chicago. What you should be angry about is that you were the girl she got for George when he was in Boston. I bet this isn't the first time your friend set good ole George up with someone to sleep with while he was going to be in town.

    Posted by Reality Stinks August 18, 09 03:46 PM
  1. 1) LDRs can and do work out. Not this one - George's anger is projection. He's really angry at himself for being a man-whore. He is also an emo sadist. Sue him in small claims court for your plane fare. 2) BFF soooo should not have told George what you told her - I don't care if you knew her before you both were born. 3) Poly can and does work out. Not here. 4) I can't believe you're all attacking her, when she has 2 dysfunctional "friends." 4) He rejected THE NETHERLANDS? That proves he's insane. And older forms of Dutch are some of the parent dialects of English. I'll take his visa and his acceptance letter, I love Holland. 5) "Best friend milks prostate" - post of the year. Sal and Val need to start their own advice column :)

    Posted by reindeergirl August 18, 09 03:52 PM
  1. Yeah, what 178 said. If your best friend was so close with George, she must have known what a player he was. She could have warned you. that's some friend.

    Posted by BFF August 18, 09 04:00 PM
  1. OTF, I suggest you find a new "best friend." A best friend is someone that should know your relationship status and how you feel about current/past boyfriends. It appears that this "best friend" of yours knew neither. No matter how close she is with a guy, if you are best friends, she is not going to fix him up with her roommate so soon after your real breakup. If she wanted to do so, out of respect for her "best friend," she would have told you before your latest trip to LA. A best friend is also not going to say something to the guy when you have specifically asked her not to, again this is out of respect for you.

    Sounds like you need to do some soul searching and work on that self-esteem of yours. Two of the people closest to you demonstrated complete lack of respect for you, and it seems as though you are okay with completely disrespecting yourself. If you do not value yourself any higher than you have shown in this letter and follow-up, how do you expect other people to?

    Posted by SueZ August 18, 09 04:06 PM
  1. Hey LW, you can't "Intend on" doing anything...it's "intend to"--as in "I intend to learn English..." That said, I understand WHY you were upset, but you really didn't have the right to be...

    Posted by Spy August 18, 09 04:08 PM
  1. Whodini tackled your problem a long time ago:

    You say you and your girlfriend were so tight
    You took her out with you and your guy one night
    She even had a set of keys to your home
    And you shared mostly everything you owned

    But as she shook your hand, she stole your man
    And it was done so swift, it had to be a plan
    Couldn't trust her with cheese, let alone your keys
    With friends like that you dont need enemies

    You wonder how long it was all going on
    And your still not sure if your man is gone
    You say, well if she took him he was never mine
    But deep inside you know thats just another lie

    And now you're kinda cold to the people you meet
    Cause of something that was done to you by some creep
    But nevertheless, I'll say it again
    That these are the people that we call friends

    Friends-How many of us have them?
    Friends-Before we go any further, lets be Friends

    Posted by Anonymous August 18, 09 04:08 PM
  1. What's the difference between an open relationship and a relationship that is just dating and not yet monogamous?
    That guy messed with your head girl to make you feel like you were special to him, but he was just playing you for a fool.
    Grow up!

    Posted by exvermonter August 18, 09 04:08 PM
  1. I'm wondering if the LW would have fallen for the rock star from yesterday's letter. Would she allow him to have an open relationship with a man who has famously uttered, "hey, how would you like to spend your first night in your new apartment?"

    I'm guessing these people are made for each other. Go forth and screw each other's brains out and and then come back to tell us about it.

    Posted by SickofOldDriversKillingPeeps August 18, 09 04:12 PM
  1. laughed out loud at my desk at work, about the fetus comment.... hahaha

    anyway, you are very contradictory. and yes, young, very young. you believed that you were the only girl he never cheated on??? dumb dumb dumb!!! he would say anything to throw his hotdog down your hallway. sorry sweetie, but you need to grow up a little. if you give your heart to every jerk that comes along you will certainly be hurt most of your life. slow down. grow up. focus on educating yourself.

    and i did feel a little bad for you in your initial letter, you just seemed a little dense and misguided. but your followup sealed the deal for me that you are just plain redonkulous!

    Posted by nemo August 18, 09 04:14 PM
  1. # of times Rico refers to himself in the 3rd person today: @23

    # of times anyone else here cares what Rico has to say: ZERO


    p.s. Mer..what is it ratings sweeps week with all these pseudo pg-13/r-rated letters? Are they making you troll for "ratings" or what? Enough of the teen chat drama please.

    Posted by RicoCounter August 18, 09 04:15 PM
  1. You teach other people how to treat you!

    Posted by getaclue August 18, 09 04:25 PM
  1. Aw OTF, been here, done this!!! :( ...Judging by your letter, I want to guess you are about 21-22 range, tough age! Honestly, it is tougher than the awkward teenage years, this is the time where you are going to learn SO much about yourself AND other people, these two are people you do not need/want in your life, you are too good for both of them. Don't even waste your time, explaining yourself, they both sound selfish, (and have a WEIRD relationship themselves, but I digress).

    You are on to bigger and better, lady, peace out to both of them. If you reaaallly think Georgie Porgie is special, maybe keep in touch with him a little bit with , but definitely do not keep all your eggs in that bed-hopping basket, go sow some wild oats of your own, and I'll bet you'll lose those rose-colored shades you have on for him in no time. However, your 'best friend' is a poisonous friend, suck that poison out and move on...

    Posted by dontbejealous August 18, 09 04:25 PM
  1. Follow up to the follow up from the LW- GET A SELF-ESTEEM!!! I'm only a little older than you and I cannot tell you how sick I am of girls our age having a total lack of self-esteem and self-worth/respect.

    Stop all communication with this douchebag and a half. He yells at you, disrespects you, treats you like a prositute he doesn't have to pay, and you want to continue speaking to him? There is seriously something VERY wrong with you. Go see a therapist.

    Posted by Behonestwithyourself August 18, 09 04:29 PM
  1. And so ends (almost) another day on LL. What would I do without this entertainment?

    Posted by Alvin August 18, 09 04:29 PM
  1. Wow, let me get this straight. You call your best friend to talk to her, George overhears, you tell your best friend not to say anything, but she does anyway? She is a total drama queen and is probably relishing her role as the bitch in the middle. This is your friend???? Sounds like she wanted you out of the picture and the roomie in. You say further that George wanted a threesome between you, him and her? I suspect now that he's in Chicago with BOTH of them his threesome fantasies are now reality. You, doll, have lost a best friend. She threw you under the bus to stay on George's good side - now you know where you stand with her. She's set you up as the petty, insecure one and you just KNOW that she didn't say a thing to defend you when he went off (and she and the roomie went down on him). You've got a valuable lesson here if you heed it - some women are only your friend until there's a man involved, then you learn where you really stand with them. Once Georgie is off to Europe you can expect to hear back from her and I really hope you don't answer. Don't expect to hear anything from her in the meantime. She sounds like a total loser (does her ex really resemble a fetus?)

    Posted by J Bar August 18, 09 04:32 PM
  1. If George asked you to check his texts, maybe he wanted you to see the incriminating ones...Run far away from George and find a new best friend.

    Posted by 2old2care August 18, 09 04:34 PM
  1. LW -
    Let the guy go.. any dude that flies off the handle without attempting to see your side, however flawed, is not someone to give the time of day to.

    I'm recently single myself and enjoyed your reply to everyone here. I'm 6'1, 155 lbs, blonde, fit, funny, and very laid back (no drama). I'll send you a picture if you drop me a note. hhero [at] disinformation dot info (yes, that's a working email address) Not looking for anything more than a beer if we hit it off over email.

    Posted by Henry Hero August 18, 09 04:35 PM
  1. #77 - Harsh, but freakin' funny!

    Posted by DavisKane August 18, 09 04:40 PM
  1. Sweetie,
    Your friend is a HUGE d-bag and I would personally give her a big talking to if I was you. REGARDLESS of the fact that you were in a "open relationship" (which doesn't exist, it's just hook ups as far as i'm concerened) you still had a thing for this guy and she completely disregarded it. Not a good friend at all. So I think you should confront her, whether it's face to face, via phone text e-mail or whatever but tell her yout hink that she is a piece of crap that needs to learn how to be a friend and drop her like yesterdays news. Seriously, do you really need friends like that?

    Posted by BigBabysGal August 18, 09 04:42 PM
  1. I have just been reading this column for a short time but it never ceases to amaze me how cruel people can be here when the person wrote in seeking help. Name calling and the like are NOT going to help . Does it really make anyone of you feel better to constantly put people down? So why not offer non judgmental advice for once, ok enough about that onto the advice…

    You are young and made a mistake, it happens. You need to move on from this point on and not look back. I would also question your relationship with your BF here. I do find it hard to believe that your BF did not know you were serious about this guy. I think you may also want to look within yourself as to why you continued this relationship with someone you knew had issues with fidelity and suggested a threesome. I am just going to chalk it up to insecurity and being young but it’s something you might want to look at further if it’s a recurring pattern in your relationships to end up with guys like this. All and all I would use this experience to learn for future relationships and be clearer in what you want in a relationship and find a new BF.

    Posted by newreader August 18, 09 04:59 PM
  1. I say stay with the cheater. Stick around until you can change his nasty behavior. Teach him that you can be a secure woman, eventually, he'll change. It might take a very very very very long tiiiiimmmme, but it'll happen. Granted, by then, you might be like 30 something with two kids, but hey, dont give up on him like he had given up on loving you. At some point he has to get tired of cheating. Be good gf /bootycall, dont cheat. just let him do all the cheating. that's how he's goona know you are secure

    love ida

    Posted by ida August 18, 09 05:14 PM
  1. Haven't had a chance to read all the comments, but happened to see your update (#76)...and find it extremely concerning that A) you were in a relationship with someone you describe as having "infidelity issues" and (even more concerning) "volatile", and B) that your original letter indicates the hope to keep a quasi long distance relationship with hopes of a future relationship down the line. Why??? Almost every trait you've used to describe him reeks of "run the opposite way". But then again, the fact that you chose this guy doesn't say much for your relationship choices. Now you're saying he's all peeved and doesn't want to talk to you, but you're still hanging in there for the moment he's had "months to calm down". Huh?!? Why-oh-why do you want this volatile dude in your life? You should be ending this "relationship" pronto....as in don't pick up the phone if he calls pronto.

    I also don't buy the "I wasn't snooping" thing. You made it seem like it was an accident, but come on, didn't you have to purposely select a message, read it and scroll to see time and date? Plus, you mentioned several messages, so it wasn't just one.

    It sounds like this was a relationship made in heaven....charming "volatile" and promiscuous playa who can use distance as an excuse not to commit hooks up with insecure, overly accomodating (I'll pay my own way!), passive aggresive (I didn't spy...those texts fell into my lap!) woman who is fond of double-speak (I want an open relationship, but not THAT open!).

    But, all is not for naught. You've learned some valuable lessons here that are probably more useful than the academic stuff gleaned from those expensive college text books. Instead of being mad at Mr. Volatile and Ms. Madam(e) Best Friend, get on your knees and thank your lucky stars that you now have better insight before this text brouhaha. Go forth and share the knowledge!

    Posted by bklynmom August 18, 09 05:27 PM
  1. At first I thought you were talking about George W.

    After you reply (#76), I realized it was all about George Costanza.

    Posted by MS August 18, 09 05:27 PM
  1. On the fence (#76) if this is really you providing the update, you are in worse shape than I first imagined. Please get help. I am serious about this.
    You have a guy freak out on you "He can be very volatile" and you still think it will be OK to keep communicating?" "...we probably won't talk for a few months until he cools down." So are you saying that he has anger management problems and you STILL want him? Huh?
    He also has a history of cheating, but not when he was with you?! Come on, you know better. You have ZERO self-esteem!
    Honey-it is OVER. Please, delete this guy from your cell phone/facebook, etc.
    And while you are at it -delete the BFF-since-grammar-school chick She is your "BFF" and also friends with your BFs, yet somehow she didn't know how 'serious' you two were? Come on. Even YOU admit she has the hots for this guy, She plays you in a twisted voyeuristic dance. And she gets off on it. Wake-up!
    Please refer to the Rulebook of Girl friendships-Chapter 1.
    Thou shalt not pillage, plunder or otherwise interfer with thy friend's boyfriend, husband, crush or Ex in any of the aforementioned categories.
    And for goodness sake- don't lose sleep over this ---George and the Wicked Witch haven't


    Posted by Sleepless August 18, 09 05:29 PM
  1. Sheesh - what a bunch of incredibly mean-spirited responses today. Maybe it's the heat.

    OTF, don't listen to these jerks. You're 22 years old, you're trying to figure out relationships, you tried to be 'mature' and non-judgmental by agreeing to an 'open' relationship because it was the rational thing to do. Unfortunately, the 'open' part is not really your personality - you liked this guy, wanted to keep in touch and maintain some kind of connection to him, and he took advantage of that. This doesn't make you a baby, a drama queen or anything other than a young, genuine woman dealing with an uncomfortable situation.

    It is apparent that this guy is a flaming a-hole, and likely a serious narcissist. Please try to forget about him - take it as a learning experience, and try to spend some time working through why you fell so hard for someone who clearly had no respect for you. But anyone commenting here who wants to pretend that he/she never fell for a jerk is lying - everyone has relationships that they later regret, and the best we can hope for is to learn from the experience and not make the same mistake next time.

    As for the bff - only you can judge her motives. As long as you have other healthy, strong friendships, don't worry too much about what went on with her and the whole pimping thing. You need to have multiple friends who are trusted and care about you - no one 'bff' can give you perspective and support, so make sure you're not overly dependent upon this one. She definitely has feelings for George, and, if you're still friends with her in ten years, it's something you'll laugh about together.

    Most importantly, don't beat yourself up over this, and don't take the mean-spirited comments to heart. I think you sound like a sweet kid - find a guy who is equally sweet and trusting, and avoid the narcissists.

    Posted by Cathy August 18, 09 06:05 PM
  1. Exhibit A as to why women can never be understood......

    Posted by kcarts August 18, 09 06:28 PM
  1. #68 (hippydippy)....awesome advice...my dream is if everyone lived by this...
    "You can't control others, but you can be passionate and understanding with yourself and pursue the world you'd like to live in."


    Posted by bklynmom August 18, 09 06:43 PM
  1. Alvin, dear, period inside the quotation marks. From your loving "wife."

    Rico, are you really FROM here? Brookline is a mile from Boston? Hey, they share a border!

    Sally, LOL about Netherlands, and maybe "volatile" George can chill out with some legal reefer over there.

    Posted by Sasha August 18, 09 06:55 PM
  1. You weren't in an open relationship. You weren't dating anyone else, and the only person who put in any effort to spend time together -- you flew across the country for him, whereas he had you meet him in NYC when he was already there.

    "Open" is not a word for 'I give while he plays me.' You might be mature enough for a genuine open relationship (although it sounds to me like it wouldn't be the right choice for you), but he isn't. You deserve better.

    PS: Why is he going to Europe if he doesn't want to be there? He's going to have a terrible time as an expat if he doesn't want to be there, and given he had to apply for it, it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants at all. Once again, you deserve better.

    Posted by Sa(h)ra August 18, 09 07:02 PM
  1. Can someone explain why George needs his girlfriend to answer text messages while he's in the can?

    Posted by slapchop August 18, 09 08:45 PM
  1. OTF, I feel very sorry for what you went through...but you only knew him a few months!?! You seem way too invested in him for having known him such an extremely short time, and most of it long distance. Also you mention how you and him used to laugh at the thought that your BFF really wanted him, that's not exactly being a BFF yourself! You clearly don't seem to think much of yourself for staying with someone who is so aweful to you, is volatile, etc... We were all there once in our lives, let this be your lesson learned and start believing that you deserve somehow who treats you as a valuable human being and stay away from any of the open-relationship crap. Don't date again until you truely like yourself and know that you would never put up with this ever again. As much as you feel your BFF hurt you, clearly you weren't taling to her about how you felt about this loser, and you were laughing at her behind your back, so you were just as much to blame on being a bad BFF.

    Posted by Been there and moved on August 18, 09 09:19 PM
  1. Guarantee George is crushing the best friend from home. Our girl is the only one with morals here, the other two are selfish and only concerned with their own pleasure. Dump 'em both.

    Posted by Anonymous August 18, 09 09:50 PM
  1. The sentence, "First off, I hope you used protection" is not advice.

    Posted by Steve in W MA August 18, 09 09:57 PM
  1. To George and your best friend, you are not George's girl friend. That's why they are justified in doing what they did. They are not the bad guy in this. Based on your description and the word "open relationship", they are right. George and you do not have an exclusive relationship. You have right to reserve George's life for your own exclusive enjoyment, not even for a day.

    Posted by YouAreNotHisGirlFriend August 18, 09 10:07 PM
  1. I thought that the purpose of this column was to offer advice to those with love and/or relationship problems. If so, why is it that some of you people feel that your opinion is more worthy than others and you are entitled to insult the character of your fellow posters? I for one appreciate what Rico has to say and could care less if he posts in the 1st, 2nd or 3rd person. To me he is a kind, caring and compassionate person. He is open about his love for his family, the environment and even us. So, please, lay off bashing Rico. Valentino is the intellectual, Hoss the straight shooter and Rico speaks from the heart. They do not criticize others, nor does Meredith who is wisebeyond her years, and funny, too! I look forward to their opinions every day.

    Posted by Nada August 18, 09 10:16 PM
  1. face it, you aren't in a relationship with george. you are friends with benefits

    Posted by dtam August 18, 09 10:17 PM
  1. Define your own rules and live by them. Not anyone else's ok.... This is your life you are creating along with lifestyle and boundries. Decide what kind of friends lift you to a level of thinking more in line with your values. Have men in your life that inspire and move you to your core. demand no less. I heard something today; Write a list of all the qualities in a relationship you want from a man...then become all of them. Love will find you:)

    Posted by jhall13 August 18, 09 10:29 PM
  1. @ "While I think it's a little gross he feels the need to get one more U.S. bang in before he goes to Europe in a few days, some guys are just like that."
    On the other hand, maybe he could end up marrying this "last U.S. bang, as you so charmingly put it. Would that be "gross" to you as well?

    The fact is that there are degrees of "open" in the term open relationship. And having an "exlusive/monagamous relationship is no proof against straying either.

    OP, the real relevant thing for you is going to be deciding what you want out of her relationship with him.Get clear on that and take action accordingly. There is n othing wrong with discussing your hurt feelings with your boyfirend (I'm going to call him that) or your friend, either.

    Posted by Steve in W MA August 18, 09 10:34 PM
  1. @ My guess is your friend is going to laugh at you when you say George is your boyfriend. You met him a few months ago. You "dated" despite living 600+ miles away? You flew 3000 miles to see him a few times and he took the bus up from NY a few times. That's dating? Or a boyfriend?"

    Yes, it's dating, and someone who lives 600 miles away can be a boyfriend or turn into something significant (if eventually the two move to be together).. Flying 3000 miles to see someone generally implies a good deal of emotional investment and idealism, if not high amounts of practicality.

    Posted by Steve in W MA August 18, 09 10:43 PM
  1. George sounds like a self-centered guy, taking whatever you were willing to give. Sounds like you've done most of the compromising in the relationship, and greatly undervalued yourself in the process. I think you will be very pleasantly surprised at how good it feels to let go of this unbalanced relationship. While you're at it, you might consider letting go of your "friend," too. A real friend wouldn't be setting up someone that you care about. Pursue your own interests and move on. You deserve better than these two.

    Posted by BPLCard August 19, 09 02:56 AM
  1. Why do most under 25 year olds act like their lives are a show on the WB? Jeesh, the DRAMA!
    I was under 25 once, and even then I would never put up with all this BS.
    It is seriously time to grow up. You are not 13. You have a good job and are looking to get into grad school. Do not waste your time with this nonsense since it will become a pattern and everything good in your life will get ruined by bad relationship after bad relationship after bad friendship.
    This guy gave you every red flag in the book that he was using you. Admit to yourself that you got used and your friend and "boyfriend" are no good to you. And you deserved every bit of it because you let them use you. Your languae in the letter and the follow up reveal so much of what you already know but won't admit to yourself.
    And this guys ays he doesnt want to go to Europe. Is there a gun to his head? He doesnt want to go now because he will have to find an aapertment when he gets there? He doesnt know anybody there? This guy is using to getting everything because of enablers like you and your friend. And so now he wants to go to Europe, have all his friends there, already speak the language or make sure everybody speaks his and have a house all set up for him. And it would be great to have a doormat like you there for his new apartment.
    Seriously grow up, you and your friends.

    Posted by Canwealljustgrowup? August 19, 09 03:57 AM
  1. 1)That bs about the text messages was one of the most convoluted lies I have seen on here. You snooped. Everyone knows it.
    2)You got involved with a guy who was a jerk admittedly from the beginning. Do you really think he didn't cheat on you too when you were exclusive. Think about it.
    3)Your friend sucks, but it is typical female behavior. Women almost always put guys over their best friends. They would stab each other in the back in a second for a guy
    4)You sound like an immature beatch in your response post. You obviously think less of your friend because you don't think she is as attractive as you seem to think of yourself as being. You think George won't sleep with her for that reason. Are you really that dumb? George already most likely has at least once. But he used her too and kept her around as a friend because she will do anything for him.
    5)You sound like a stuck up piece of shite, saying her ex looks like a fetus. He isn't a part of this, what did he do to you. Why the need to insult him? You deserve some misery in your life the way you look at and treat other people.
    6)This letter supports the letter from the other day that says women live jerks and don't want nice guys. Look at how crazy these girls are going over this ahole? The more of an ass he is the more she cares.
    7)conclusions: you aren't as hot as you think. You need to do done serious growing up. You are wrong in so many ways here. You suck at life.

    Posted by Dumb Broad August 19, 09 08:17 AM
  1. dear letter writer,
    you're an idiot...


    Posted by d August 19, 09 08:30 AM
  1. Reality check:
    George is a guy you dated, he isn't your BF.
    Best friend - isn't .
    YOU flew to LA to be with him because YOU wanted to - he went along with it.
    Open Relationship to a guy isn't the same as Open Relationship to a woman.
    If you want a certain type of relationship - spell it out, state the terms, the rules make sure he agrees that is workable - of course, if the guy likes you and wants to stick around - he will agree!
    Now once you graduate and go to work, you can begin the real work of finding a significiant other

    Posted by Linda August 19, 09 08:45 AM
  1. First of all. "George" didn't cheat on anyone. He's in an open relationship. If OTF didn't understand what that meant by assuming it meant something else, it's her problem, not his.

    Posted by Eddy August 19, 09 08:56 AM
  1. OK. That's weird. They posted my comment WAY after I submitted it. Everyone else had apparently seen your follow-up letter by the time they posted my original comment.
    Anyway, thanks for the update. George sounds like a jerk. Seems to me, he was looking for this fight. IF he really told you to respond to a text for him, then got mad that you read the text you were supposed to respond to...that is poor. I think you should file this under "lessons learned" and move on. If he calls, emails, texts, ...ignore him. Find someone else.
    I noticed that some people on this blog are being really harsh these days. Take it with a grain of salt. Everyone is in a bad mood. Maybe it is the heat. Or perhaps the economy.

    Posted by bellyb August 19, 09 09:12 AM
  1. Let George go - he's a guy in his early 20's in an "open relationship" having anxiety about moving to a foreign country. Gotta let it go.

    The "friend" is another story. Unless she is totally unaware that you are still seeing George, or for some reason thinks you completely do not care for him, she's a b*tch. Unless there is a huge misunderstanding, let her go too. Tell her you were hurt by what she did and see how she responds. If she is shocked that you cared, perhaps she didn't know that you still had feelings. If she's like, "get over yourself", drop her.

    Posted by heatherv1211 August 19, 09 09:58 AM
  1. Things I learned from this letter...

    You can tell a woman, "You are the first girlfriend I haven't killed and eaten," and she won't run for the hills. She'll feel flattered.

    When men visit the restroom, they always leave their cell phones in a public place.

    When you check a text message, all previous text messages, both sent and received, are visible, so matter how small the phone's screen is.

    "Open" is a very big word, and subject to misinterpretation. See also: "Best" friend.

    Amsterdam is a very scary place, even if you haven't seen the movie Hostel.

    Always ask your girlfriend if you can have a threesome with her "best" friend. She'll be amused.

    When you tell your ex-girlfriend that she's snooping, jealous, petty and annoying, she'll patiently wait a few months until you cool down. Then you can abuse her some more.

    There's always a chance that a crazy woman will let you sleep with her, unless you look like a fetus.

    Posted by Jasper's Buddy August 19, 09 10:06 AM
  1. To On The Fence And All Interested Parties:
    there is no such thing as an "open" relationship - only male and female whores that claim to participate in same. If you're going to have promiscuous sex, call yourselves what you are - whores!

    Someone above was right; women can't handle open relationships; that's because they're not real.

    Rico is right; you need new friends because you don't have any (was wondering where Rico's comments were - missed you, Rico).

    You reap what you sow - now go to confession, and stay out of the dating pool. You're waay too immature to handle a real relationship. The purpose of dating is to see if the candidate is good marriage material - he's not and you're not.

    Any by the way, HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! Now stop smoking pot and clear your head!.


    Posted by Anonymous August 19, 09 10:45 AM
  1. Ok, forget my last post. Just read #76. Ok... George has a self-disclosed infidelity problem and is volatile?? Sounds like a peach - don't let this one go.

    Posted by heatherv1211 August 19, 09 10:49 AM
  1. Oh hell no...let's forget about George and the hook up thing. Does that really matter to be honest??? Open Relationship remember? You have no grounds for being upset with him about that. As for this "best" friend....there are certain unwritten rules you don't cross or break and I'm sorry but she did. I would have a serious talk with her and let her know what you found and how hurt and upset you are. AND YES...you have every right to be that way. Let George go...it most likely wasn't going anywhere anyway. And if you're friend isn't apologetic and doesn't realize what she did was wrong...find a new best friend.

    Posted by Deb August 19, 09 10:59 AM
  1. ugh! No offense, but LW's like this remind me of an incredibly insecure room mate I had after college who drove me absolutely batty. This dumb girl never felt secure unless she was with someone, but she always fell for douchebags like "George" who never saw her as more than a casual relationship... for obvious reasons.

    Yes, after reading her update, I agree"George" is a d-bag. But to echo many others, LW needs to do herself a favor and spend some time on her own. The only person she should find herself in a relationship with at this time is a professional relationship with a therapist. There is something deep down, beyond a simple attraction, that drove her to accept completely unreasonable terms in this one-sided relationship and to continue trying to hang on to something that really never existed in the first place.

    Posted by snickers August 19, 09 11:12 AM
  1. #235 - hilarious. Post more often. I love the insight. :)

    Cats not Dogs

    Posted by Rica August 19, 09 11:17 AM
  1. Really?


    Open relationship.
    You WERE Snooping.
    Go away

    Posted by monkeycaller August 19, 09 11:42 AM
  1. Once again I'll say it's really simple. Look within yourself and define your own rules! Decide what kind of relationship works for YOU...not anyone else. That goes for friends too. Longevity in friendship doesn't mean consistantcy or loyalty for some people OBVIOUSLY!

    Write a list of all the qualities you want in a man....then become them.

    Posted by jhall13 August 19, 09 12:02 PM
  1. I'm with Meredith on this one. [I had lots of other comments and specifics, but deleted them, because really that says it all.]

    Posted by RUKidding? August 19, 09 12:19 PM
  1. I'm with Meredith on this one. [I had lots of other comments and specifics, but deleted them, because really that says it all.]

    Posted by RUKidding? August 19, 09 12:19 PM
  1. People, you have got to be kidding me. There is nothing wrong with open relationships if everybody agrees at the outset what the rules are. There are some ridiculous prudes out here. No wonder people think Bostonians are uptight and frigid.

    Sweetie, you had an open relationship. It sounds like that didn't really work for you, and now you know that open relationships are maybe not for you. It's a learning experience. George and your friend did nothing wrong, and it would be a shame to cut some people who for all we know are totally nice, worthwhile friends. Your feelings were hurt, and it may take some time to get over that, but you can't really blame George or your friend for it. Now you know to make sure you and your partner set the boundaries that make you feel comfortable next time.

    Posted by sue August 19, 09 12:35 PM
  1. If he did not want you to see the text messages, he would not have asked you to use his phone. Pretty simple.

    Posted by John Bester August 19, 09 12:41 PM
  1. At the end of your letter you keep calling "George" your boyfriend... he really isn't though is he? You're in a long distance, open relationship which basically means when you see eachother you hook up ... when you are apart you occasionally talk on the phone. You mentioned something about "trying" to remain faithful... sounds a little rediculous to me. I can understand as a woman why you are upset. I would be upset with my best friend and confront her about it. She doesn't have your best interests at heart but she is thinking of George so you might want to be cautiious about what you share w/her in the future. I wouldn't be mad at George...after all you agreed to an open relationship...which means he is free to have a fling with this girl whenever he wants to....even if it is when you around.

    Posted by Boston Reader August 19, 09 01:42 PM
  1. Once you go fetus, you never go back.

    Posted by val August 19, 09 04:11 PM
  1. You should get yourself checked for sexually transmitted infections. This type of
    "relationship" is rather disturbing.

    Posted by Violet August 20, 09 10:35 AM
  1. So let's recap -- you tell your boyfriend that he has the option to get a piece from somewhere else (because that's what an open relationship is)...and then you get mad when he actually does it?

    If any girls want to know why most guys can't stand being in relationships, just read this broad's letter and it'll explain everything.

    Posted by Baconator August 20, 09 01:33 PM
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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