< Back to front page Text size +

Sex, truths, and videotape

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  August 11, 2009 10:10 AM

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

Reasons I love this letter:

1. It is organized like an old-school CliffsNotes.
2. It involves love making.
3. It references “Twilight” for no good reason.
4. It is about a coping with jealousy, which is easier said than done. So be empathetic and constructive, people.

Q: Hi Meredith,

Here's my love letter, I apologize in advance for its length! Please edit as you see fit ;)

The history:
I was in a committed relationship from the time I was 18 until I was 25 (two years ago). The relationship was so committed, in fact, we got married. Then it turned out I was the only one still committed, and the guy left me. I am now divorced. (I am not sure how I can convince you and your readers that while this will likely always hurt, I have since worked through my feelings and have moved on). That said, due to this committed relationship, I do not have a large past in regard to dating/relations. I had only been with two other guys intimately before I met my ex, and those were only a handful of times at that. And unfortunately, in my naiveté, I did not realize how unfulfilled my between-the-sheets life with my ex was.

The set up:
I am now 27 and for the last 2 years have been dating and living with a very wonderful guy (Let's call him "Stan"). Not only are we great friends and partners but [yay!] our between-the-sheets life is wonderful/fabulous/exotic/wild/loving/yummy/etc/and so on! I met Stan very soon after I split from my ex. So again, not much dating history on my part. Stan had a more traditional dating path through his twenties. A few long term relationships, a few short flings, and even a couple of one night stands. His magic number is in the teens. A completely reasonable number for a 29 yo man. I was never bother by the differences in our past until recently.

The story:
Three months ago I found old videos of Stan with an ex on his computer. You know, one of those kinds of videos. And like the nonsensically morbidly curious passersby who can't help but gawk at the gruesome remains of a car accident -- I watched them. Not every single second. But I saw/heard enough. (And in case anyone doesn’t know this, if you are taping your activities, it is not ho hum -- a lot of "grilled cheese sandwiches," etc.) To be fair, Stan was dating this girl at the time he made these videos. But I am hurt that when it became apparent we were serious together that he didn’t have the foresight to remove them from his computer. My reaction to seeing these videos was sadness and confusion (not anger). I never had good physical intimacy until I was with Stan. These videos showed my guy having a very wonderful time with another woman. And it made me think of the other women he had wonderful times with as well. I felt very "unspecial.” When I told him what happened, he was very apologetic. He held me and let me cry. He listened to me tell him how it made me feel, and reiterated how special I am to him.

The aftermath:
Three months later, I still can't stop thinking about the videos. (Believe me, knowing your partner's past and actually seeing it is VERY different). Sometimes I think I am OK and over it. I tell myself that just because he enjoyed someone else does not mean he enjoys me any less. I tell myself how much he loves me and how wonderful our relationship is. And then sometimes I see a picture of him and another ex (harmless high school graduation photos that never bothered me before) and it just reminds me of the videos and his past. Or I see the bad vampire in “Twilight” holding a video camera in a room full of mirrors talking about great staging and I'm reminded of [what I saw].

Why I am writing:
I've talked about this with Stan a few times since the initial finding and by now he is honestly getting a little tired of it. I feel in a lot of ways that he is right, that I just need to "get over it.” (He has never said it quite so brusquely, btw, but his feelings at this point months after the fact are clear). I am currently trying to just bottle my feelings, and while Stan is none the wiser to my reeling feelings (he talks about children and marriage), I am starting to feel cold and distant because I can't talk to him when I hurt. I am also now more sensitive to indications of his dating history and it is causing some discord in our life -- for example he has scrapbooks of from his past which he wants to show me but I do not want to see because they include pictures of him with various exes (from family events, vacations, etc. I assume) and he is upset because he can't share them with me and keep them in our home.

Should I just get over it? Do I continue to bottle the hurt until the feelings/thoughts fade? Any advice on how to make them fade sooner? Do I drop the issue with the scrapbooks and just let him bring them to our house and pretend to smile and be ok when I see pictures of him with his exes? Any readers experience something similar and got over it??

Your thoughts and feedback are eagerly awaited! Thanks in advance, Mer!

-- Accidental Voyeur

A: AV, (also stands for audio visual ... how fitting ...) I’m telling you to get over it. Right now.

I know the video was weird and upsetting to see, but I’m sure it would be weird and upsetting for Stan to see your wedding pictures. I mean, you made a lifetime commitment to someone before Stan came along. If he can get over that, you should be able to get over old footage of playtime in a hot tub.

It makes perfect sense that Stan had great physical experiences with his exes -- and thank goodness he did. His comfort with sexuality is one of the many awesome qualities he brings to your relationship. What you bring is an ability to love and commit. I mean, you’ve already proven that you’re open to spending the rest of your life to another person. I’m sure Stan values that. I’m sure whatever insecurities you have about your physical past, Stan has about his own history with emotional intimacy. You don’t have to be equals at everything.

You must let this go before you alienate him. To answer one of your questions -- yes, you’re supposed to smile and nod when you see old pictures of Stan and his exes. That’s what humans do -- they fake smiles when they know they’re being jealous for no good reason. Stan probably does this for you more than you know.

As for coping with memories of the videos, all you can do is train yourself to stop fixating on what you saw. Whenever the footage pops into your mind, imagine what Stand did to comfort you after you found it. He held you and told you how special you are. That’s pretty fantastic. He wants to show you his past -- his scrapbooks and such. That’s also fantastic. Stan talks about having kids with you. Again, fantastic.

You’re allowed to tell Stan when you’re hurt. He’s done nothing to indicate that he doesn’t want your honesty. But honesty doesn't mean punishing Stan for living his life before you came along. For every memory in those scrap books (or on his computer), he’s made a new memory with you. Don’t miss out on enjoying those memories because you're fixated on something that doesn't exist in Stan's life anymore. (And for the love of Pattinson, do not let some dumb sex tape ruin “Twilight” for you.)

A thought: You gloss over your divorce in your letter. You tell us you recovered from that break-up with more ease than one might expect. I believe you. But is it possible that some of this jealousy with Stan is about how your marriage played out? Just something to consider. Stan came into your life quickly after your divorce. That's fine -- we can't always choose when we meet new and special people. But perhaps Stan distracted you from dealing with some of those old, bad feelings. Don't let those feelings creep up and ruin the wrong relationship.

Readers? How can AV get the videos of her ex with his ex out of her head? How do you cope with jealousy? Is it weird that Stan kept the video on his computer? Let’s chat -- and remember, keep it PG. Share here. Twitterstein.

-- Meredith

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

226 comments so far...
  1. Yep, Meredith hit the nail on the head here: 'That’s what humans do -- they fake smiles when they know they’re being jealous for no good reason.'

    You just need to make the decision to get over it. Right now you've got a negative tape loop going on around and around in your head. Whatever it takes, figure out how to snap that repeated loop. Visualize taking all your hurt and jealousy and packing it up in a box and throwing it off a cliff, if you have to. He seems like a GREAT guy, and you shouldn't lose sight of that, AV. Good luck.

    Posted by heartseek August 11, 09 10:20 AM
  1. "I told her I was totally PG and she said, 'Are you in a movie?' And I didn't get it..."
    Anyways, AV, yeah, get over it but seriously talk to a therapist. You have jealousy issuees that you are in denial about.

    Also, get a mantra. For instance, when a negative thought enters your mind over one of Stan's exes say to yourself, "He is not with HER anymore; he is with ME now and that's all that matters."

    Get in the moment when you are with Stan. You want to keep him? Work on this. Enlightenment will not happen over night. Baby steps my dear. But work on this now or you WILL lose Stan...

    Posted by Amazed August 11, 09 10:27 AM
  1. "grilled cheese sandwiches"?

    Posted by kxs999 August 11, 09 10:27 AM
  1. Make your own video with Stan.

    Posted by LR August 11, 09 10:31 AM
  1. Rico says Get over it now as well...Rico will share the rest of his thoughts now...

    Rico suggests that when you get home you make a point of telling "stan" you are over it and even encourage him to bring out the old photo albums. Ask him to put the "x-rated" stuff on dvd/cd and out of sight or in the trash whichever he wants as long as you can't come across it. Maybe even ask him if he'd like to make a new movie for his computer of the two of you so he has something better to watch. Rico thinks you'll be fine in time but for now biting your lip and going with the flow is best. Rico has met his wife's ex's family members and many of her friends that she had with her ex so he understands it is weird but the reality is that we are all just people with history. You can either choose to accept it or be doomed by it. It is your choice.

    Rico also thinks putting yourself in his shoes and see it from his side woudl be good for you. Surely he is embarassed by your viewing of his past? Maybe he is uneasy about it and wants to put it behind him as well? Rico suggests you take a deep breath and follow his advice. Rico really does like the idea of making your own "home movies", maybe watch them together and critique just like that Roper/Ebert show.

    Rico wants everyone to stay cool today, it is going to be very hot. Maybe enjoy a nice meal at a local restaurant since it was brought to his attention Restaurant week is upon us. Rico has his favorites but will let you decide what you like, maybe bike to your favorite place? Remember the 2 mile challenge...reward yoruself with a good meal.

    As always...Love to all,


    Gears not Gas

    Posted by Rico August 11, 09 10:33 AM
  1. Here's what you do:

    go out and find a couple of young, eager studs. Make some movies with them. But be sure to do "things" that Stan is begging you to do for him.

    Then make Stan watch the videos. Then he'll know how you feel, and you will be more experienced and desirable, to boot!

    Posted by Lance Romance August 11, 09 10:34 AM
  1. I really do feel for you, that's not a fun thing to see. That being said, you are extremely lucky. Instead of being furious at you for snooping into private files on his computer, Stan was understanding and has done everything he could to comfort you and help you move beyond the incident. I don't know if I could have so easily forgiven someone for such a blatant invasion of privacy. I suspect you're going to get a ton of flack for it throughout the day, as well you should.

    I'm not one to recommend therapy as a solution to each and every problem. That being said, you're fixated on this incident and do not seem to possess the ability to get over it on your own, or you would have already. Congratulations to you for admitting that you have a problem and recognizing its impact on your relationship. The next step is to do something about it before it's too late. Talk to someone now and make a commitment to Stan that you will do everything in your power to work through your obsession.

    Posted by Rae August 11, 09 10:35 AM
  1. Wow! I'm first today? You mean I'll have to keep coming back to read Hoss, Sally and Rico? Bummer. My advice - get over it. Stop whining to him when he's told you he's sorry. Don't keep looking for things because you'll find things you don't want to know about. Everyone has a past, even you. If Stan wanted to be with video-girl, then he would still be with her, but he's with you. If you love him, trust him, otherwise you should leave. Love without trust is absolutely a waste of your time and his. Get over it. Enjoy your life.

    Posted by californiadreamin August 11, 09 10:38 AM
  1. Meredith is right on the money here. In my last relationship, my GF at the time was unable to "get over" the fact that I had slept with another woman after we had broken up before reuniting once again several months later. She was very angry because she didn't think she was "special" and that I had found a "replacement". This jealousy based on insecurity did play a part in the ultimate demise of our relationship. She was unable to get over this no matter how patiently I listened, held her, or validated her feelings.

    If you can't move past it, I suggest that you seek therapy because there are likely some unresolved feelings or issues that are blocking you from doing so and may very well make the continuation of your relationship impossible as happened in my situation.

    Posted by sanity123 August 11, 09 10:38 AM
  1. You're reacting almost as if you had seen Stan actually do cheat on you. And because the video preserved a moment and kept it live, that's not a totally absurd reaction...but you need to constantly remind yourself that this was in the past, even though the video footage made it look like it was in the present. I'm sure you had steamy sexy time with your ex husband.

    Lesson out of all of this: SEXY TIME AND VIDEO FOOTAGE DO NOT MIX.

    [no] lights + [no] camera = action!

    Posted by Fievel August 11, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Wow! I'm first today? You mean I'll have to keep coming back to read Hoss, Sally and Rico? Bummer. My advice - get over it. Stop whining to him when he's told you he's sorry. Don't keep looking for things because you'll find things you don't want to know about. Everyone has a past, even you. If Stan wanted to be with video-girl, then he would still be with her, but he's with you. If you love him, trust him, otherwise you should leave. Love without trust is absolutely a waste of your time and his. Get over it. Enjoy your life.

    Posted by californiadreamin August 11, 09 10:40 AM
  1. AV: You definitely have to deal. Making a video is not uncommon, although you always risk being Paris Hiltoned. It can be a healthy, fun experience. It's not as if he has a full video store collection of "home videos". But as for Stan...
    Stan: What were you thinking by holding on to this old vid? Seriously (see Paris Hilton warning), this is like keeping a gun locked and loaded in your top drawer! My fear is that you held onto it as a memento; I hope this is not the case. When you get serious in a relationship, you should really make every effort to keep the past in the past.... and that includes throwing out some old videos (and pics), even if part of you wants to hold on to them.

    Posted by M August 11, 09 10:40 AM
  1. AV, I think it's time you deal with all parts of your past. It sounds to me like you went from divorced to serious relationship pretty quick, figuring you were happy and over the divorce without really dealing with it. It may be time to talk with a professional and REALLY deal with the divorce this time and not just replace one failed relationship with another relationship, because, ultimately it will fail. In fact, it may be heading there now because of this discovery and the lack of capability to move past it. Maybe, just a thought, you need to have your own life first. Get it in order, try being independent and then have that serious relationship. Or, if your new boyfriend is willing and you really love him, maybe he can help you and also you can establish an interdependent relationship. Either way, it starts with dealing with ALL the baggage.

    Posted by Raynee01 August 11, 09 10:41 AM
  1. I think you would feel better if you made your own video with him...now THAT'S replacing the old memories with new ones:)

    Posted by boredinboston August 11, 09 10:43 AM
  1. kxs999---A grilled cheese sandwich is something you may not want to know. If you do than you may want to google it. It has to do with what the female's genitals look like after a man has climaxed within. Nasty, I know. I wish I didn't know what it meant because I no longer at the sandwich the same way

    Posted by Not Hungry Anymore August 11, 09 10:43 AM
  1. wow, a video?? i do not know how i would ever be able to get those types of images out of my head. i am not sure how fast it is possible to get over it. i do agree with meredith, there is no point in being jealous over something that no longer exists. however, the image of that something is still in your mind. i don't really have advice, since i, myself would probably be feeling the same way. i guess the most important thing is to be honest. ask all the questions you need to ask, do not assume anything. just because someone seems to be having a good time does not mean that the person they're having a good time with means the world to them. remember ¡§fatal attraction¡¨?. michael douglas was also having a good time until his bunny got boiled. things change, people change. sometimes sex is just sex. time does heal a lot. this will fade, slowly, and your sadness will numb. It may be a long while, and you may always have those images in the back of your mind, but it will get better! Good luck ƒº

    Posted by JJ78 August 11, 09 10:45 AM
  1. How about not snooping around on your BF's computer in the first place? In my experience, any time you read someone else's e-mails/troll through their files/watch their sex videos, nothing good ever comes out of it. You're setting yourself up to get hurt. So why do it in the first place? What good comes out of it?

    You learned a lesson. Don't do it again, move on and stop complaining about how you effed up and it's hurting you. It smacks of insecurity and eventually you're going to lose this guy.

    Posted by Don August 11, 09 10:47 AM
  1. I think you should have deleted the videos off of his computer. I know this would drive me crazy and totally disgust me if I found this on someone's computer. In my oppinion, you should think about if you want to be with the type of person who makes sex tapes and keeps them for years.

    Posted by Sarah August 11, 09 10:49 AM
  1. Stan did a lot to try to help you move forward from this. You've got to meet him halfway. This is not something that Stan did wrong. It's somethign that Stan did before he even knew you existed! You can't make him pay for having a past. Everyone does. And like Meredith said, it probably makes Stan a little upset and uncomfortable to look at your wedding pictures and listen to stories of your past marriage. But, the point is, he loves you. The events and people in your past have helped form and mold you into the person that he knows and loves, just like his past experiences have helped him become the person that you love.

    The next time you feel jealous, flip the situation. If it Stan was jealous over some video he found on your computer, how would you deal? Probably the same way Stan comforted you. And I have a feeling that after a while, you might get a little tired of Stan complaining about something that happened before the two of you met.

    Best of luck AV. It will get easier. :)

    Posted by Liz James August 11, 09 10:49 AM
  1. You gotta let it go.

    Dwelling on the past delays progress.

    It was stupid of him to leave those videos on his computer, but it was just as stupid of you to actually watch them. We all have a past, and everybodies is different.

    You are both in a new chapter of your life, so let it go and don't drag the past to the present.

    As for Meredith saying you should fake a smile and look at all his old scrapbooks. That is just ridiculous and downright terrible advice. Get a grip Mere.

    Just as you have to let go of the fact that he has a past, He has to let go of it as well.

    Photos of old flings, much like those sex tapes - are old news, from an old chapter in his life. There is no good reason to add them to the details of your current chapter. Both of you need to focus on where you are now. Not where you have ben.

    Posted by EastCoastGirl August 11, 09 10:50 AM
  1. Mer is right on! Don't lose a great guy becouse you can't get over yourself. Think how weird it will feel to him when you guys are on your honeymoon and it will be your secound one....

    Posted by capecodda August 11, 09 10:55 AM
  1. Hi - Meredith is completely correct, you need to try and move on and not dwell on his past. It will only end up ruining the special relationship that you have together. I know it is a hard thing to do and I have been through the same thing and it was really hard for me to let go as well. However i realized that we have the present and the future together and we were making our own wonderful memories and that it was a relationship worth fighting for even if I was fighting with myself. There is a great line from a Blink song "don't let your future be destroyed by [his] past". Everyone has a past, it is a good thing, helped make him the wodnerful caring man he is today, for you to enjoy.
    Good luck

    Posted by JW August 11, 09 10:55 AM
  1. AV,
    Do you suspect a third person was in the room holding the video camera? If so, you may want to ask Stan about it. It could reveal a side of Stan that you haven't seen yet.

    If not, then Meredith is right. Forget it. If that woman were so important, he'd still be with her. He may have kept the video for the novelty of it - it's cool and risque since most women won't agree to be filmed.

    You say that your sex life with Stan is great. That's terrific, if you mean it's great for you. In the video, you say Stan is having a wonderful time. You don't say whether the woman is having a wonderful time. That's important, AV.

    If you had done more dating, you'd have learned that many men, while well-meaning, don't know how to give a woman a good time in bed. And apparently most women don't tell them. Unfortunately, most women are conditioned by our culture to focus on the man's pleasure.

    So if Stan knows how to give you a good time, silently thank those women who gave him lessons, and move on. Enjoy.

    Posted by TallGirl August 11, 09 10:55 AM
  1. You are learning about what happens when you invade someone's privacy. He did not direct you to those videos or give you permission to view them. You transgressed and got hurt, and are now punishing him. Each time you bring it up you remind him that you had no compunction about violating his privacy and that you are insecure and needy about what happened in his life before you even met him. If you keep it up, it may lead him to rethink marriage as this behavior is unappealing.

    He's allowed past experiences (although one would have hoped he would have been careful about where he stored the videos, and it's simply that he forgot about them.)

    I agree with Meredith--I wonder what goes through his mind when he thinks of your already having a failed marriage. It doesn't sound like he pesters you with doubts he may have that you will be able to make it work this time (whether the end of your marriage was your fault or not). I also wonder if he thinks any upcoming wedding would not be as special for you (or him) because it's your second.

    To recap, you've got to take this elsewhere to deal with or you will ruin your relationship. You DO have issues of trust from being lied to and humiliated in your marriage. For God's sake, be GRATEFUL that this guy knows what he's doing in bed before you put so much baggage on it that it takes the joy out of it for him and for you. Most guys think they are great lovers, but only a few are.

    Posted by yupokay August 11, 09 10:55 AM
  1. I don't think you will convince too many people here that you have completely worked out your issues from your failed marriage. You say "Then it turned out I was the only one still committed, and the guy left me." I'm assuming that means he was, I'll say it nicely, spending time with other women and that was the reason he left? To trust someone and be let down like that can be detrimental. I can tell you from my own experience, which I will not get into, that it is easy to feel like you have moved on and feel recovered, so to speak, when you are single. Getting into a new relationship is when it starts to get tricky. My feeling is that you aren't upset about the fact that Stan had a happy life before he met you but rather you fear, after seeing him "happy" with someone else, you are easily replaced. You don't feel like you're good enough for him? You don't think you quite measure up? This is your past creeping up on you. And it is normal.

    I think you need to spend some time evaluating how your last marriage affects your life now, not as a single woman but as a woman in a new relationship. I don't think the right word is jealousy. I think you have a trust issue and are afraid of getting hurt again. See a counselor. Stan doesn't deserve to be treated the way you are treating him, so before you push him away, you need to talk it out and figure it out. Talk to Stan about what you are going through and show him that you are taking the right steps to correct it; I think he will appreciate it. It won't be easy, and it won't be fun, but it will be worth it-- either in your relationship with Stan or the next man.

    Posted by Kathleen August 11, 09 10:55 AM
  1. make your own tape(s) and do even steamier, sexier things. make sure your sex tape on the computer has no equal, this will probably make you feel special again

    Posted by dt August 11, 09 10:57 AM
  1. Get. over. it.

    No one likes crazy jealousy.

    YOU WERE MARRIED. You think he might feel a little jealous/insecure about that? Yup I bet he does!

    Posted by bk2k9 August 11, 09 10:58 AM
  1. I don’t think it’s “weird” for Stan to keep the video. Possibly insensitive, but not weird. Not to generalize, but yes, guys keep these things. I still have some of my vids. Would you rather him have videos of complete strangers? From my own perspective, it’s one thing to know you should get rid of videos that you’ve starred in, but it’s another to actually delete or erase them. It’s a part of your history and well, it’s nice to have a vivid memory live on.

    The main issue here is this: Clearly LW is insecure about her own sexual aptitude. She goes to great lengths to spell out her inexperience and the fact that she missed out on years of good experiences due to the time with her Ex. Giving us background or better yet, excuses as to why she may not be that comfortable with her abilities. After seeing the video, she now feels very inadequate. It’s that simple. Things she saw her boyfriend doing or better yet, having done to him in the video are in a different league than the current intimate relations. Look no further than how she said she “saw/heard enough”. Clearly, it’s professional level performances while she feels she’s playing minor league (base)ball with him currently.

    LW needs to relax. Stop talking to Stan about it. You’ve already risked alienating him with your insecurities. He screwed up by leaving the video on the computer (he should have hid it better….joking), but that should have been addressed in one conversation about it. Perhaps a follow up conversation was warranted as your feelings lingered. However, any more discussions about it are overkill. Let it go. LW needs to realize that Stan is with her for a multitude of reasons. One of which is what she herself, admits is a great physical relationship. He loves her. He has talked about long term plans. That has to be enough to help her put the video chapter behind her.

    The only other thing I would add is that perhaps LW can learn a thing or two from the video or from other “research” and experiment / surprise Stan with some new tricks. Being open to change and mixing things up / shaking things up is a sign of a healthy, committed, physical relationship.

    - Hoss

    Posted by Hoss August 11, 09 10:59 AM
  1. AV- Instead of focusing on the jealousy you have of the other women Stan was with in his past, remind yourself that you are who he chooses now. It doesn't matter how great or wonderful those sex scenes were; or how much fun he seemed to be having; what matters is that those relationships ended. It doesn't matter why they ended; only that they did. And, you, my friend, have something those other women don't; Stan. Just think- if the sex was that great, then those women are jealous of YOU; b/c you get to have him every night of the week and all they have are their memories.

    Posted by Mac August 11, 09 10:59 AM
  1. I don't know if it was weird of Stan to keep the vid--absent-minded, yes. And I guess I can understand you're freaked out (TMI! TMI! TMI!!!!) though that stuff (ex-girlfriends) doesn't bother me much at all. I could understand more if, say, you walked in on Stan watching the vid of him and the ex. But this? Eh. Just ask him to delete it.

    He had a life before he met you. That life includes ex-girlfriends. You'll have to accept it. And I do think therapy is a good idea, because you obviously don't think much of yourself if seeing pictures of Stan's ex threatens you this much. They are, after all, EX girlfriends.

    I don't mean to be blunt, but Stan's going to leave you if you keep this up. You were married--he's not freaking out over that. I dated a guy who insisted that women shouldn't have a lot of partners (while he was with a LOT in the past). He was jealous. I left him. LW, you seem to have a similar issue as my ex--you seem to be uncomfortable with Stan having a past while recognizing that YOU have one as well. Not a juicy past, but you were married--you were in love with your husband! Stan's not questioning your love for him. Why are you questioning his for you?

    People have pasts

    Posted by PM August 11, 09 11:01 AM
  1. I do think she has a big point though. Get rid of the videos buddy!!! There is no need to keep that stuff at all, unless he's unfulfilled and needs to go look back at them. IMHO those types of things should never be kept when you decide to move onto a new committed relationship. Also, if he shows you scapebooks that show family photos and ex's happen to be in some group photo that "get over it" but if he's showing you stand alone pictures of him and ex's than there is certainly no need for that. I'd ask yourself why he's holding on to this type of stuff. Did he delete the videos once you found out? If not, I'd be worried.

    Posted by questioning August 11, 09 11:02 AM
  1. You are way too self-centered. For you to make such a big deal about something that really is not a big deal at all, and then hold onto it until the point that you are jeopardizing a relationship you supposedly care about exposes all the naivete, immaturity, jealousy and other ugly insecurities that you've alluded to yourself.

    You don't have a problem with Stan. You have a problem with your brain. Seek therapy.

    Posted by Freddy August 11, 09 11:04 AM
  1. You didn't mention if he deleted the video after you found it. If not, he should. And you should not make too much out of it once he does.
    Then, as some have suggested, making your own video can be fun and will go along way toward making you feel better about the whole thing. Make it Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

    Have Fun,

    Posted by DrK August 11, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Okay - although I feel for the reader's position, I am NEVER going to be the same now knowing what the translation for a grilled cheese is. I was hoping it was a less affrontive euphemism...time to move on.

    LW - I was in a very similar situation, it's tough to "SEE" versus know someone's past. As one of the commenters said - he didn't have a defensive reaction when you said you found these, a clue that he's not saving them/viewing them/protecting them for sentimentality's sake. If you've discussed it once, and it was a productive conversation, you need to accept his apology and MOVE ON. Otherwise that noise you hear is the bell ringing signifying the demise of your relationship.

    Fundamentally, nothing in the relationship has changed, so don't change the relationship out of fear.

    You only live once, and Stan was freely expressed in his past relationship(s). You may want to suggest that he remove/store/save those old ones and create a new one - with YOU. YOU are the only one not allowing yourself to feel special.

    Posted by big dummy August 11, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Good point Hoss- insecurities over her (in)abilities.
    Listen to Hoss; maximize your strengths, use your new knowledge to your advantage, research, explore, try new things. (all the while, keeping in mind that you're the chosen one!)

    Posted by Mac August 11, 09 11:08 AM
  1. Did Stan get rid of the videos? If yes, then you really do need to get over it. He has a past, you happened to see what that past looked like, but you need to try and move on. Get therapy if you need to. But Stan is right to start to get tired of this -- he didn't cheat on you for pete's sake. What exactly is it that "hurts" you? That he had a life before you? If he won't get rid of the videos then that's another thing altogether.

    Posted by move on August 11, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Not Hungry Anymore - I, unfortunately, can visualize your description of a "grilled cheese sandwich" as accurate (in a very disturbing way), that is not what AV was referencing. A grilled cheese sandwich in this context is the very polite phrase Meredith coined in a past letter. It was used in an effort to make a certain sexual act PG enough to discuss on the message board. The letter writer was soliciting advice on how to convince his lady friend to provide him with a "grilled cheese sandwich" as a way of mixing things up in the kitchen, so to speak.

    Posted by Ima August 11, 09 11:09 AM
  1. Whoever said make your own video I am 100% behind that idea. Everything's even, and you get to do what you're jealous of.

    Posted by Mark August 11, 09 11:09 AM
  1. When I was 12, I first found out that all boys masturbate. I was horrified. I thought "when I get a boyfriend, he's going to be the ONE GUY who doesn't masturbate." This thought was, of course, ridiculous. And after I got over the shock of finding this out, I came to realize, it's normal. All guys do it (and most ladies too—hallelujah).

    Same thing happened in college. I realized all boys looked at porn, and I was horrified, but I eventually accepted that it was normal, and got over it.

    And it's the same with you and Stan. What you found was shocking and horrifying to see, no doubt. But even so... he's normal. And you'll get over it. He sounds like a fantastic guy. And a fantastic guy wouldn't be with an unspecial gal. Maybe treat him to a racy photo of yourself and make his day.

    Posted by sometimes August 11, 09 11:10 AM
  1. Once you saw it was private you should have left it alone...you watched enough to violate his privacy..ever thought of that...that's what's wrong with people...they always want to see and know thing they can't deal with....

    Posted by DNA August 11, 09 11:12 AM
  1. DON'T make a video! What a mistake that would be. Maybe I'm just too old fashioned, but nothing good comes of it as you can see. Meredith's advice was right on. A great song is the Beatles' "In My Life" which says it all:
    "There are places I'll remember
    All my life though some have changed
    Some forever not for better
    Some have gone and some remain
    All these places have their moments
    With lovers and friends I still can recall
    Some are dead and some are living
    In my life I've loved them all

    But of all these friends and lovers
    There is no one compares with you
    And these memories lose their meaning
    When I think of love as something new
    Though I know I'll never lose affection
    For people and things that went before
    I know I'll often stop and think about them
    In my life I love you more..."
    Someone very special in my life told me this once and it meant everything to me as far as being able to deal with past "experiences". Hope it can help you, too.

    Posted by dz August 11, 09 11:12 AM
  1. You're lucky he didn't freak out on you for looking at his stuff. Seriously get over it. If these were videos he made with someone else while he was with you, I could see there being a problem. This was all before you and from what you say, you have a good relationship with him, so don't ruin it by punishing him for something that happened before he even met you.

    Posted by bumbly-bee August 11, 09 11:13 AM
  1. kxs999 and Not Hungry Anymore,
    The "grilled cheese sandwich" reference actually goes back to an earlier letter to Meredith where she substitited this phrase for, ahhh, an intimate act that the man desired but the woman was reluctant to perform. The letter and responses were hysterical, it's too bad you missed it. Look for it some day when Meredith puts out her book of "Best of Meredith Love Letters" - it'll probably be the best one of the entire collection.
    I'm sure Meredith was unaware at the time of the definition you supplied...!

    Posted by BeeDee August 11, 09 11:14 AM
  1. Wow...this hits way too close to home. I was using my boyfriend's computer (with his permission) about a year ago (this was after we moved in together) and saw a file one his desktop labelled "vids". I knew it would not be a good idea to look, but I did anyway. I found the same kind of thing, although only three videos of him with his most recent ex. The worst part of it all was that his ex had been trying to get back together with him for the entirety of our relationship and would call, text him and post flirty messages on his myspace page. This discovery was the final straw. I deleted the videos, told him what I had seen and done, and what followed were some of the most honest discussions we had ever had during our relationship.

    We're still together almost two years later. It took me a long time to get over the imagery (in fact, reading this LL conjured up the images -- and the hurt -- all over again), but if this man is a valuable presence in your life, you're going to have to get over it. I think almost every girl in a long term relationship has discovered or will discover a picture or video from the man's past that will be unnerving or even upsetting. Men can be careless with their things, and many leave private videos right there on their desktop where anyone using it could access it (seriously guys - at least have the sense to put this stuff in a secure place!). The ONLY thing you can do is get over it, or you will ruin the relationship. If you trust that these videos are old and not recent, then you really can't be angry.

    I understand your hurt, though, and I think to make ammends, he should get rid of the videos. It it just seems like such a violation to the current girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend. I would be horrified to know that my ex is looking at old videos of us together! That's why I don't allow such videos to be made. Also - don't make a video with your boyfriend unless you are ok with the idea that someone else at some point in time could see them. Your boyfriend is clearly careless with his smut.

    Posted by SassySarah August 11, 09 11:14 AM
  1. Everyone has a past. In your past you have a marriage. In his past he has many sex partners. If you want to be in each other's future you need to accept each other's pasts. The bottom line is he's with you now. Where you go from here is up to you. As for the scrapbooks... everyone has pictures from family vacations or weddings with ex's in them. It's a part of life. My husband was engaged to another woman before me and she appears in a lot of the photos from his brother's wedding. I don't expect my brother-in-law to hide the photos of his wedding because it's weird for me to see my husband holding another woman in his arms. The bottom line is if my husband had wanted to marry her, they'd be married now and I'd be none the wiser. Something in that relationship obviously didn't work out. The same can be said of Stan and his ex on the video. Despite the appearance of happiness on that video, something obviously didn't work out, or he'd still be with her. Pictures and videos are just a glimpse of one moment in time; they don't tell the whole story.

    Posted by Beth August 11, 09 11:15 AM
  1. AV....Everyone has a past, good, bad, and ugly. It is what shapes them into the people they are when we meet them. When it comes to significant others, you have to be able to live with their past.

    Unfortunately, you had to see your boyfriend's past. That has to be extremely tough. I can't begin to understand how troubling that can be. However, if you want to move forward with Stan, you do have to get past this.

    That being said, "getting over it" is easier said than done. You need to process this your own way, and in your own time. If you don't know how to process this event on your own, seek help. It doesn't have to be therapy-this forum may be a good step. It could be advice from a friend, a book, anything. Everyone works in their own ways. Whatever it is, find it fast so you can move on with this man who things seem to be going very well with.

    Good Luck!

    Posted by 2 jobs August 11, 09 11:15 AM
  1. You know what, I find porn and website pictures to be bad. It is so embarrassing and indecent, and I find myself upset and dissapointed to be in a relationship with someone who is so focused on that kind of thing. I know where you are coming from.

    Posted by Sara August 11, 09 11:15 AM
  1. My wife and I bought a video camera FULL HD with a tripod and enjoy taping ourselves. We even make popcorn and sit on the couch and enjoy watching our performances. Some day when we are old and gray and the kids have moved out we can pull out the old library and enjoy what our life was like back in the early part of the century. The Canon video cameras work well. Maybe make a video or a few and put them in private on Youtube so you can watch them at work when you have free time?

    Posted by freak in the sheets August 11, 09 11:15 AM
  1. #15- ewwww!

    That is most certainly not what AV is talking about. Get grip. Look back to the old archives of the blog. Ewwwww.

    Posted by Katherine August 11, 09 11:15 AM
  1. This is a simple one....AV u need to make a crazier, wildier, more exotic film wit Stan to put to shame the other videos he has. Make these movies so good and he won't need the videos of him and his exes anymore(which by the way he always have even if he has told you he doesn't have them anymore) until you give him something to replace them with. IT COULDN'T BE MORE SIMPLE AV!!!!!!!!!!!

    Posted by I'veGotACamcorder; ) August 11, 09 11:16 AM
  1. Once you saw it was private you should have left it alone...you watched enough to violate his privacy..ever thought of that...that's what's wrong with people...they always want to see and know thing they can't deal with....

    Posted by DNA August 11, 09 11:16 AM
  1. This is crazy. I do not agree with Meredith on this one. I believe your feelings of anger, jealousy, and disgust are completely justified, but everyone on here wants to blame you and turn that feeling of hurt and anger inward towards yourself. Don't do it. Imagine if the table was turned and he found a video of you and one of your exes in action? Yea - I'd love to see the comments on that one. You'd be called an awful lot of nasty names society reserves for females. This guy sounds sketchy AT BEST and even though he's all about the marriage and kids package, I'd run screaming if I were you. He doesn't have the same standards and values as you, so get going. And as far as people trying to make you feel guilty for "snooping" at your bf's computer - don't let them make you bad. He shouldn't have had anything to hide if he were a worthwhile companion.

    "I never loved another person the way I loved myself. " - Mae West

    Posted by GimmiaBreak August 11, 09 11:17 AM
  1. Egads. I would really hate to come across such a video.

    You have been dating for two years, huh...did he get a new computer since then? I am only asking because I wonder if he made a point to save the home video(s).

    As for scrapbooks...I would first be impressed that he has them (I keep old pictures in a shoe box), and then task him with putting together some of you two together.

    Cars rule the road!

    Posted by Tom August 11, 09 11:17 AM
  1. ENOUGH WITH THE SONG LYRICS! Can anyone formulate an original idea? Jeez - now, what IS a grilled cheese sandwich?

    Posted by big dummy August 11, 09 11:18 AM
  1. Curiosity does kill, doesn’t it? How I’ve wished to turn away when the pure chances of convenience arose to ("innocently") view privacy when something in me was screaming, “YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET THIS!”; and yet we proceed…

    The main cause of your pain now is the insecurity it created, actually, that it unleashed.... You say you’re over your ex and that’s the truth...BUT what you are now facing are the ramifications of that failed relationships and what it manifested within; never truly coming to terms with the pain it caused you as a woman because you never granted yourself an adequate amount of time to heal and discover you. Now when an unfortunate occurrence such as this is unveiled, those feelings surface and begin to grow, suffocating this good you have NOW. Stan had recognized and sympathized with the affects this had on you instead of punishing you for this invasion of privacy – stop punishing him. Jealousy is the kiss of death and it breeds purely out of insecurity, and nothing is more unattractive than insecurity and/or jealousy.

    You got to bring in the new sexy, sweetheart; you’re what he has now….Say action and get that camera rolling…make new memories to get those visions outside your mind and MOVE ON. You are creating your own misery, and you know this, and I feel that by reading all these comments it’s a healthy dose of opinionated therapy that’ll do you some good…BTW…the tapes have better been deleted…

    Posted by Rossia August 11, 09 11:19 AM
  1. This started out like something out of Penthouse Forum. “I know this is going to sound completely unbelievable, but EVERY WORD OF IT IS TRUE.” I kept waiting for the good part and experienced the same kind of sadness and confusion as the LW when I realized I wasn’t getting any.

    AV, if you want to keep the "wonderful/fabulous/exotic/wild/loving/yummy" that so defines your relationship, then put the "etc" back in your "so on," rack up that nice digital camera your parents got you for Christmas last year, break out the thigh highs and stilettos, and get busy with the poses. When you’re all done, please write in with some sexy and vivid details so I can get some sleep. Macca-macca-wow-wow. Macca-wow.

    Posted by Sally August 11, 09 11:20 AM
  1. A couple of questions:

    1. Why did Stan never delete the videos? Would he still occassionally watch them while you two are in a relationship? If so, this is a problem.

    2. Has he since deleted the videos? If not, then this is a problem.

    Otherwise, if he honestly forgot about them and had not watched them since the two of you got together, then I think it is time for you to move on from this issue. We all have past relationships and sexual experiences that we cannot take back. This issue is out of your control and out of Stan's control. If you continue to fixate on this problem, it will only create more distance and resentment between you and Stan, and to be honest, he sounds like a great guy. Don't lose him over this.

    Posted by Regina Felangy August 11, 09 11:22 AM
  1. um, you're with someone who taped sex acts and kept them? You don't think this is something you should be wary of? What if he took tapes of you and did something with them you didn't like, say, show them to his buddies, post them on the internet? The fact that you're alright with this, and he thinks nothing of it, is strange, and to a lot of people, unacceptable.

    Posted by getridofhim August 11, 09 11:23 AM
  1. You have learned a few lessions:

    1. Don't go snooping around if you are unwilling / unable to deal with the REALITIES that you may find.

    2. You unwillingness to move past this are raising red flags with Stan. If you do not stop, your insecurities will literally smother him.

    3. It's time to be more vocal and adventurous. Drop the hang-ups and repressed notions and have fun with the man you love and that loves you. You can make up for lost time and missed opportunities.

    4. You need help dealing with your feelings about your former marriage. Something is not right and it will potentially sabotage this relationship as well unless you uncover it and deal with it appropriately.

    Posted by Hadie Nuff August 11, 09 11:24 AM
  1. you brought this problem on yourself - there's always a price to pay for snooping - it disrespects the relationship you have with whomever you are snooping upon - and as for comment 42 if you asked to use my computer and then snooped where you shouldn't have and deleted files without my permission, I would delete you from my life immediately - you women complain about boundary issues all the time, but you sure seem to feel justified in violating the boundaries of the men in your lives

    Posted by bosfiddle August 11, 09 11:24 AM
  1. Again, great advice Meredith! AV, you really need to do as she says or else your boyfriend will eventually end things with you.

    All relationships need to be built on a foundation of trust. Without being able to genuinely trust your boyfriend, your relationship will become a relentless cycle of petty disagreements and eventually he'll have enough and leave. As a fellow 27 year old, you need to be a grown up and talk to your boyfriend and try to find solutions to your problems instead of holding them inside.

    What does Stan need to do for you to be move on from this? He can't change the fact that you saw the videos, so you are going to have to find an alternative solution to having your memory erased. Is there something he can do that would help put your mind at ease?

    I think your issues boil down to your own insecurities regarding your skills in the bedroom and lack of dating history. I think A LOT of men have pictures and videos of their ex-girlfriends on their computers that they may have forgotten about. In this day & age, I think it's pretty common. As long as the video was not filmed while you were together, you are going to have to trick your brain into forgetting the images you saw. I think the best way to getting past your jealousy is focusing more on making the present and the future happy for you and your boyfriend and let the past remain history. Since being sexually confident is not an easy or an instant task, it is going to continue to take practice. There is a website you should check out: www.sexinfo101.com. It's not porn more like an online instruction manuals.
    good luck!

    Posted by trueluv4eva August 11, 09 11:27 AM
  1. He has a past, you have a past. Together you may have a future. But not if you can't get over the fact that he had sex with someone BEFORE he met you.

    You said your between the sheets time rocks ... maybe you should send video girl a thank you note. Okay, not really. But he got good at sex by having sex. Stop thinking about it and just enjoy the present.

    It's not like he cheated on you.

    Posted by Inf August 11, 09 11:27 AM
  1. First of all, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and figure out why this is bothering you so much. Hello- you had other relationships as did he- BEFORE you met him. Then, once you figure it out, GET OVER IT!
    Second, I agree with the peeps who say you should make a new video with him to replace what he's kept from the past. Just make sure you get custody of it if you break up!

    Posted by Claddie August 11, 09 11:28 AM
  1. A.V - May I suggest a coping mechanism for you? I am totally the jelous type and even if all the exes are on the other side of the country and 15 years in the pasted I hated when they would pop into the odd story of a road trip or a high school dance or a weekend at college and the photos made me feel whose - they had better hair, cooler clothes, nicer cars, went to better concerts, had more fun, were younger. I was making myself miserable and my partner thought I was a basket case. Then when these things came up I started to force a joke or press for some bad detail - her hair looked great but she would not go out in the rain and he missed a great concert. He and the ex had a great vacation until she drunk too much at the airport bar and puked on the flight home. There was a reason everyone was an ex and now I know why (in a light and fun way - he is over any real hurt). If these names or photos ever come up (and they do you can't avoid it) I just shoot my partner an look and a smile.

    Posted by Lliz August 11, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Not Hungry Anymore - I'd like to thank you on behalf of all of the regular LL readers for ensuring that none of us will ever be hungry again. For months, I've loved that grilled cheese reference on this blog, and now it'll never be the same again. Gross.

    Posted by boredinboston August 11, 09 11:31 AM
  1. note to self: destroy video tapes in basement.

    Posted by shouldhavegonedigital August 11, 09 11:34 AM
  1. I don't get it. You called him out and what? He held you and you cried. Sounds like a step was skipped. Hard to say here never been there but if you want to move to the next step in this relationship, he better toss the tapes or you'd better toss Stan to the curb. You can't keep those and keep you at the same time! I mean if you've been dating a little while that's one thing but if you're both serious about moving onward and upward, it's time to toss the tapes. Sounds like Stan isn't so keen on moving onward and upward, or at least not with you.

    Posted by Chris August 11, 09 11:34 AM
  1. oh man....finding that would torture me. You have my sympathy! I guess the best thing to do for me would be to really use your powers of reason to try and overcome this. Remember that he wasn't cheating on you - this came along long before you and in his mind, is over and done with. Who knows - maybe you were having sex with YOUR ex at the same time he was taping that? Replace it with memories of your own. If you try hard to (repeatedly) think yourself out of a panic, over time this will fade and become a non-issue.

    Posted by emmj August 11, 09 11:35 AM
  1. Let's not ignore the obvious: This letter is extraordinarily long for a fairly simple question, and the LW goes to excruciating lengths to explain everything that happened to her, and exactly what she felt and thought about it at each precise moment in time.

    This is a woman who is fascinated by herself, and her feelings, her reactions, and her thoughts are the sole focus of her attention. And her "Cliffs Notes" formatting shows she wants us to understand every little nuance, too.

    That's the problem. The videos are just an excuse.

    My dear, you're not Proust. Posterity is not going to study and debate your subjective viewpoint for generations. It's just not that important.

    If you want to be in a serious relationship with "Stan," or anyone, you need to stop focusing on your needs and thoughts and feelings, and start focusing on his. In short, grow up.

    Posted by Marcus August 11, 09 11:37 AM
  1. Ugh, AV, never click the open button, just a good rule of thumb.

    I agree with Meredith, it's time for some therapy to resolve not just these feelings you have about Stan and the tapes, but your previous relationship. Bottom line, Stan hasn't done anything wrong, he sounds wonderful and extremely supportive, but it is getting old and you need to have a professional deal with this, not you and Stan. Start with some one on one therapy, and Stan can sit in for some couples sessions if needed. I honestly don't see a way around this, you have to remind yourself and Stan this is your issue, and you have to deal with it outside of your relationship.

    I had an relationship with a guy that talked ALOT about previous experiences, previous women and I tried to be cool about it, but it definitely played in to my ability to trust him, to feel intimate with him, to wonder what he said about me to future GF, etc. Anway, the relationship didn't last. If I actually had SEEN that activity, it would have been devastating. But I understand how you are feeling.

    Bottom line, Stan sounds worth the effort.

    Posted by NotAndysGirl August 11, 09 11:39 AM
  1. How would you like it if he violated YOUR privacy? Went through your purse, or read your diary? I bet you'd react like a rabid pit-bull. Serves you right.

    Posted by Chloe-OBrien August 11, 09 11:39 AM
  1. I do think you need to find a way to move on, provided that he has since destroyed the videos. If he kept them due to carelessness, that's one thing, it happens. But if he kept them because he still, ahem, uses them, you've got a big problem on your hands. Please write back and let us know what became of the video.

    Also, please ignore those advising you to make a sex tape or take sexy photos or do anything like that. It's thrilling at the time, but what happens if you break up? Would you ever be able to relax not knowing whether they were destroyed or still floating around somewhere? What if he decides to use them against you? Messy break-ups can bring the devil out of people. It's just a really stupid chance to take.

    Posted by Rae August 11, 09 11:42 AM
  1. Listen AV,
    This is what I heard when I read it. My husband cheated, we divorced, I met the right guy and got an eyeful of the good stuff we had been enjoying but it wasn't with me. Now I am thinking that was what my former husband was doing without me and why it ended..... I think maybe you have made a parellel between the good guyand the old bad guy! Now getting over the hump is difficult. If you want to be happy you have to get past it... talk it out, therapy, or maybe a road trip with "Stan", pick a fight for the whole road trip and have really angry make up sex!

    That way your new memories are better than the videos???? Maybe. But certainly not something either one of you will forget. And hey, now you have a memory that is so different than your eyeful of regret, you have something different to focus on!

    Most of all, get over it - or move on.

    Posted by BlameMe August 11, 09 11:43 AM
  1. If he's got video's you can be sure he's got still photos too.

    Look around for one of those digital photo frames and check the card in it.
    I've heard of guys (not me, I'd never) who have collected all their "action photos" of their ex's and put them on a card that they plug into one of those digital photo frames.
    It can be a real nice trip down memory lane. At least that's what I've heard.

    Posted by Steve August 11, 09 11:46 AM
  1. I am sorry if I have disgusted/offended any of you with the definition of a grilled cheese sandwich from the underbelly of young america (see comment #15). I was unfamiliar with past reference to a different definition of that term. I have never heard of another definition other than the one I had so....sorry. And yes, it is gross.

    Maybe someone can spell out the other definition a little bit for me so I can be in your loop on this discussion! What is this blog's definition of a grilled cheese sandwich? Someone gave a little info, but still don't understand!

    Posted by Not Hungry Anymore August 11, 09 11:46 AM
  1. I do think you need to find a way to move on, provided that he has since destroyed the video. If he kept it due to carelessness, that's one thing, it happens. But if he kept it because he still, ahem, uses it, you've got a big problem on your hands. Please write back and let us know what became of the video.

    Also, please ignore those advising you to make a sex tape of your own. It's thrilling at the time, but what happens if you break up? Would you ever be able to relax not knowing whether it were destroyed or still floating around somewhere? What if he decided to use it against you? Messy break-ups can bring the devil out of people. It's just a really stupid chance to take.

    Posted by Rae August 11, 09 11:47 AM
  1. Do whatever you have to do to really get over this. Really! Not "fake, shove it to the back of your mind, but still agonize about it - I'm over it". Your guy sounds perfect for you. DO NOT dwell on this for one more second or you risk losing him over something that is in the past. Gone. Forgotten! That is until you keep bringing it up. FORGET IT!!!!

    Posted by JB August 11, 09 11:48 AM
  1. Your current BF Stan is choosing to be with you. He's not with his ex. Some people save old love letters. That doesn't mean they don't love you, it means that they have a soft place in their heart for someone in their past. Would you feel comfortable if Stan asked you to throw out your wedding , photo albums, and love letters from your ex-husband? If you did throw them out to make Stan happy, do you think this would really be a healthy kind of happiness? Or just a control mechanism ("You Shalt Not have other Love Gods before you except me)
    If you continue on this path of freaking out over his movies, then you will begin to erode the trust built between you. Talk with a licensed counselor because I suspect that these insecure feelings that are gripping you come from some deep seeded trauma from your past. Deal with it before it takes over.

    Posted by exvermonter August 11, 09 11:49 AM
  1. I agree with the posting from Sarah. Why does he still have these videos and obviously doesn't hide them if you were able to find them. If he is commited to you he should delete them, he doesn't need them. He's keeping them means something different and you might not want to stay with him. Not a good idea to make a video.

    Posted by Steve August 11, 09 11:49 AM
  1. AV, I really empathize with you, as in terms of my life and current situation we are in somewhat similar places. Obviously, as Meredith said, you do need to get over this. But I can definitely, definitely understand how that is much easier said than done.

    That being said, I think it is not unfair for you to ask "Stan" why he kept those videos in the first place. Has he agreed to get rid of them? (If he hasn't, then that's a whole different story...)

    As for seeing photos and other reminders of his past, I think one of the best ways to get past this is to take an exciting daytrip or vacation and take lots of photos of the two of you together. Make some awesome memories of your own, and those other ones won't seem to matter nearly as much...

    Posted by cambridgelady August 11, 09 11:51 AM
  1. I'm surprised noone here just says "get a new bf" instead of continuinally saying "just get over it". Obviously, she has not been able to; that's why she wrote.

    I like the idea of them making their own videos (if they haven't already), but what happens if she can't live up to the prowess of the other girls? Then she's just exacerbated the problem.

    Not to mention the fact that making tapes is creepy to begin with! Why people still do this I have no idea. Haven't people learned from Paris and the plethora of other young bimbos yet? If you like watching have sex, buy a gigantic mirror and do it often!!!

    My advice: there are plenty of fish in the sea. Find one that doesn't need sex tapes to make himself feel cool, sexy, whatever.

    Posted by Jdizzle August 11, 09 11:51 AM
  1. Rico thinks you should make a video with him and show him the difference.

    Posted by Rico August 11, 09 11:54 AM
  1. So does this mean AV has thrown away every single wedding photo, has no honeymoon pics stashed away, her wedding dress isn't in the closet, her old rings were pawned, and there's not a single memento of her seven year relationship in their home? Not a chance. We all like to keep memories around. Photos, emails, love letters, sex tapes, gifts. There's nothing wrong with it if they are MEMORIES and that is all. He didn't drag these vids out to show her and he shouldn't have to delete them unless she's trashed everything involving her ex --- jewelry, mementos, photos, etc. Jealousy is hard, but seriously -- take a look at your double standard here.

    Posted by NurseK August 11, 09 11:56 AM
  1. Get therapy to get over your jealousy issues. She's gone, he's not. Enough already.

    I love grilled cheese sandwiches.

    Posted by Darwin August 11, 09 11:56 AM
  1. i never really understood this whole taping your sexlife thing. porn fills a void when you cant have sex for some reason (acne, bad personal skills) or can't have the kind of sex your observing (you do the math). but who the hell sits around and watches themselves have sex. if its that amazing go at it again! and knowing whats going to happen kinda blows the ending...

    Posted by qua? August 11, 09 11:56 AM
  1. Wow. Yup, no, you're just a mentally disabled prude. You want to feel as though you're the only vagina that has/will ever exist to him and you've now seen video proof of that NOT being the case. This takes away your ability to delude the aforementioned fantasy, unfortunately...

    Plenty of fish in the sea. If you want to delve off into the familiar psychotic "I'm so special" ether like oh so many of your ilk, feel free... He'll just move on and buy a new video cam! Or perhaps you might consider taking a step down off of that pedestal and viewing the situation a bit more rationally.....

    Posted by DJMcG August 11, 09 11:57 AM
  1. I am not so sure the comments about the LW's insecurities are correct; she takes pains to mention she has not had alot of partners, and her divorce appears to have not left any remaining psychological scars, so the LW's history is NOT one that would make Stan jealous or feel threatened. I am sure Stan realizes that she isn't still "hung up" on anyone else, and is flattered that he has opened up the LW's experiences in the bedroom. I think the point is that the LW has presented herself as free of baggage, and lo and behold, look what she's found in Stan's past. I think she would like a similarly clean slate, meaning that all the people in the past are really in the past. Which brings me to the next issue. Whether she snooped or not, whether guys save videos or not, the video should not have been readily accessible, or open and obvious. That's not respectful behavior on Stan's part, and, if it were me, I would wonder if Stan is "hung up" on his co-star, or if there were others, and this is the only rerun he saved.
    Everybody has a past. However, it is not often you get a chance to see your partner's past in such an intimate way. Now she's seen it, she can't forget about it very easily.
    I think it will take some time to get over this, and it will sting for a while. She'll eventually learn to live with it, but out of the blue the feelings will come back until the LW regains her confidence and security.

    Posted by mandy August 11, 09 11:59 AM
  1. Listen to Jdizzle - If you can't get over it, move on. You can't un-do what has been done... Question is, is there any hope left?

    Posted by Pandora's Box August 11, 09 12:00 PM
  1. I can totally understand the LW feelings. It must be hard to get those image(s) out of your head.....here's what I suggest...make a short movie of yourself just for HIM. Can be anything you want, does not have to be x-rated unless you want it to be. Surprise him with it..watch it with him together....and at the end ask him to delete forever the old videos and have yours in their place.

    Gas not gears. BAN RICO !

    Posted by byubba August 11, 09 12:01 PM
  1. #69 (Marcus)-- You're being a little harsh, dont you think? I think its great that LW was organized, and it helps us readers to provide better advice when we have all the facts.

    Now, to LW-- That totally sucks....but do everything Meredith just said to do. I think this is her best advice, and you shouldn't listen to a thing anyone else has to say. Good luck!!

    Posted by Kristen August 11, 09 12:01 PM
  1. #3 kxws999 and #15 Not Hungry Anymore:

    The "grilled cheese" reference has to do with an old love letter (which is why meredith provided the link). It is oral sex.

    Posted by Kristen August 11, 09 12:04 PM
  1. Question 1. WHY were the videos still on his computer after 2 years?!! (Has he deleted them yet or are they still on his computer now?)
    I totally disagree with Mere today - there is NO comparison between jealousy/disgust spurned by his dirty home movies vs. her wedding pix. Sorry -they are 2 completely different things. Call me a prude (and baby, I'm not), nor am I the jealous type-but I would be totally grossed out/ticked off if my live-in of 2 years had videos of himself doing the horizontal bop with some chick on his computer. And Question 2: Why does the guy keep photo albums of his exes? Personally I would seriously question whether I wanted a relationship with this guy at all.
    I say there is more to this story.
    Not to beat a dead horse but..."Stan had a more traditional dating path through his twenties. A few long term relationships, a few short flings, and even a couple of one night stands. His magic number is in the teens." The man was 27 years old when he met you and had already had a few long-term relationships (what is 'long term? 1 or 2 years?), lets add in the short flings and one night stands and sex tape that you KNOW about. Frankly, Stan sounds-well a bit slutty. Maybe that is your real issue here for you.

    Posted by Video Paradise August 11, 09 12:06 PM
  1. So many people are missing the point. Stop fixating on the video. She went through great lengths to give us her autobiography and also pointed out that she cannot handle any pictures / scrapbooks with any Ex's in them. Stan is supposed to destroy scrapbooks of prior holidays, cut Ex's out of all pictures, etc. simply because LW is insecure refuses to acknowledge that the sun rose and set in Stan's life just fine prior to her arrival? This is not about a video. It's a cry for help from a woman who needs therapy very badly. Trust me, Stan is already one foot out the door.

    Kudos to Marcus for the post of the day. Well done, sir.

    Posted by Hoss August 11, 09 12:08 PM
  1. Seeing him with someone else made you realize that you are not as special as you thought you were. In your head you may have already known this. He had relationships before you, (and if you two don't stay together, he'll surely find someone else). That's just the way it is. You know this. But, seeing it is different. You have visual evidence that you can be replaced, and it's making you insecure.

    Like everyone else, the only advice I can give is get over it. Ask him to delete the files, if he hasn't already, and trust that he does. It sounds like you've got a good thing going. Concentrate on that, and time should take care of the rest.

    Don't make a video, unless it's something you're inclined to do, anyway. You are not the girl in the video, and you are not competing with the girl in the video. He clearly loves you for who you are.

    Posted by two sheds August 11, 09 12:12 PM
  1. Stanley wanted you to find his stash. He’s a collector. If the stuff was POV, he’s not interested in the video for “her” pleasure…only his own. And the 3 chip DV for lighting? I don’t know anything about it but I’d check the closet for his old 70s Classics: Gillis, Jeremy, Chambers, Sprinkle. The only way you can get over this is by making a film yourself. And that’s exactly what ole Stan the Man wants. He records the sexual escapades of his conquests. It’s somewhere between “Sex, Lies and Videotape” and “Stanley Does Stoughton”. Hey is that a GED diploma under your gown, or are you just happy to sleaze me?

    Posted by valentino August 11, 09 12:13 PM
  1. sarah, take a chill pill -- he has a past, so do you, so does AV -- big deal -- you probably are frigid

    Posted by laurie August 11, 09 12:13 PM
  1. He should get a new gf; this one's broken

    Posted by Bee August 11, 09 12:14 PM
  1. You poor thing
    No easy way to get over it right?

    I like the mantra idea.
    Or remind yourself of the girl who was so insanely jealous that after months of nagging her soulmate, drove him into the waiting arms of another woman - thereby proving her jealousy was retroactively spot-on.
    Wait that was me.

    Just think that you dont want to be that woman.

    Posted by brenda August 11, 09 12:15 PM
  1. As mentioned earlier, my advice is to make your own video. Begin living in the present. You describe your love life as "wonderful/fabulous/exotic/wild/loving/yummy/etc/and so on!". Own it! Make your video with Stan and enjoy your life. I think some of these recurring feelings, a.k.a. 'the aftermath' is a direct result of your own insecurities. Unfortunately they are just that...your own. Not Stan's. Accept the way you feel. Take a look at your life and where you are now and try to be happy with the present. Stan and you have both been molded into the people you are from the experiences and lives you lived before meeting each other. Own it...this is who you are. Happiness is reminiscing of the past, looking forward to the future, and being content in the present completely. Be happy.
    There are far worse things which haunt less fortunate people's memories...this really is trivial in the grand scheme of things.

    Posted by grilledcheesesupporter August 11, 09 12:21 PM
  1. So he took a video and might have photos and love letters as well and doesn't fel the need or can't bring himself to discard them. I have love letters from my first boyfriend when I was 16 years old (and that was quite some time ago!) - it doesn't mean I still pine over him or that I even read them anymore; it was just a special time in my life and I can't bring myself to throw them out.

    You may have tokens from your marriage as well, as others have mentioned - photo albums, etc.. You have to remember that the video and relationship that went along with it are in his PAST. We all have a past, even if yours didn't have much sexual experience. Try to understand that there's nothing to be jealous about. He sounds like a loving guy that you wouldn't want to lose. Some of us are more jealous than others, and I can tell you that jealousy is a turn-off for me personally.

    Posted by Anonymous August 11, 09 12:28 PM
  1. So he took a video and might have photos and love letters as well and doesn't feel the need or can't bring himself to discard them. I have love letters from my first boyfriend when I was 16 years old (and that was quite some time ago!) - it doesn't mean I still pine over him or that I even read them anymore; it was just a special time in my life and I can't bring myself to throw them out.

    You may have tokens from your marriage as well, as others have mentioned - photo albums, etc. You have to remember that the video and relationship that went along with it are in his PAST. We all have a past, even if yours didn't have much sexual experience (which is irrelevant). Try to understand that there's nothing to be jealous about. He sounds like a loving guy that you wouldn't want to lose. Some of us are more jealous than others, and I can tell you that jealousy is a turn-off for me personally. What is there to be jealous or insecure about? Be glad you’re NOT the girl in the video and enjoy being the girlfriend of the guy that loves you so dearly that he cared enough to console you when your feelings were hurt.

    Posted by whatdoiknow August 11, 09 12:33 PM
  1. Reminds me of "Patrick's Cupboard of Love" from the British series 'Coupling' (which BTW, is a hilarious show, so check it out if you haven't already). I'd say add your own tape to Patrick...err, Stan's collection and be glad that he chose to be with you through thick and thin.

    Posted by The Dude August 11, 09 12:33 PM
  1. You shouldn't have snooped but you did and now you have to deal w the consequences. I'd have a hard time getting over the existance of tapes from his past if I were in your shoes. Now that this has happened, he needs to delete the films and you need to move on and not ruin something great by whining. You aren't a teenager and you need to be mature enough to move away from your jealousy. You could lose a good man.

    Posted by Rose August 11, 09 12:34 PM
  1. not hungry anymore- i am going to answer your question, maybe you have read several other responses- which may have already clairified confusion. my understanding of grilled cheese sandwhiches at the time was a metaphor for foreplay. we can say that right? hah. he gets his, she gets hers. 3rd base... a 3rd graders subtle code- from the early 90's. however i may be totally off base considering people are having a hard time defining this activity.

    Posted by katie August 11, 09 12:35 PM
  1. she's obviously the kind of woman that can't live without a man - has she even ever been single? what kind of man would be interested in such an insecure woman? LOSER.

    Posted by get away from me August 11, 09 12:43 PM
  1. AV sounds like a tramp to me. She's bounced from one bed to another since she was a teen. Why should she feel jealous...yes, that's her problem, jealousy...when her current boyfriend turns out to be a stud for hire. Do I come across as a prude? You bet I do and the reason is my contempt for a generation of people who believe that recreational sex can lead to happiness. In this particular instance, Stan will move on one day as sure as apples ripen in the fall. That will once again leave our heroine confused and disappointed. Unfortunately, there's no turning back once you've decided to make sex a guiding life principle. AV needs to accept the fact that the future holds only one certainty; that the guy she marries will probably have had the same kind of pre-marital lifestyle that she's had. Better get over the jealousy, AV. Your prince charming is going to be a mirror image of you.

    Posted by koba3 August 11, 09 12:44 PM
  1. #1) He didn't cheat on you
    #2) He loves you
    #3) Get over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    #4) Repeat #1 and #2

    Posted by wishes my husband loved me as much August 11, 09 12:49 PM
  1. You should just watch the movies of Stan and his ex over and over again until you are desensitized. Then you can move on.

    Posted by sexual chocolate August 11, 09 12:50 PM
  1. AV, I would have trouble with this too and likely have a similar reaction. HOWEVER, you do need to get over it or end it. If you want to get over it you can, with some work.
    It sounds like you're obsessing about this - I agree with the many others that it's likely due to some unresolved issues and insecurities. A suggestion (and this will take practice): think of it as falling into a rut in your thinking - every time you start down that road, tell yourself to stop. Then maybe try suggestions from #64. Seeing a therapist wouldn't hurt either.

    Posted by andrea August 11, 09 12:51 PM
  1. I had a similar issue in my current relationship. In my case it wasn't videos, it was more "Dear Diary" stuff. She was pretty graphic about a past relationship ("size" played a prominent role in the writing.) If she had been in a long term relationship with this man, I would have dealt with it differently, but it was a 1 year+ FB situation.

    For me, this was a nightmare, as I really felt like I didn't "measure up" it every way.

    1) I should never had read it. It was stupid and I caused myself a lot of insecurity that I didn't have the day before I read it.

    2) Of course, I could never talk to her about it, since I was completely in the wrong to have ever read it. It was a huge violation I feel awful about.

    3) We have a wonderful relationship, and the only thing that changed was I caused myself a lot of grief.

    I knew I had to focus on the wonderful woman I was with, and get over my own issues. It's stupid to be jealous of someone she (or your bf) had sex with, when you are getting that and everything else that goes with being in love. I also knew that I wanted her to feel the same way about me (in the bedroom), so I made sure I was focusing my attention on her even more than ever.

    Posted by Brian August 11, 09 12:52 PM
  1. Stan sounds awesome. I would try to get over it and move on. I know its hard...but if you dont you risk losing him.

    Posted by Kristen August 11, 09 12:54 PM
  1. Hoss, you are starting to sound testy again. Did things go badly with Miss Manners?

    Posted by Sally August 11, 09 12:54 PM
  1. #104 Read the link posted by the LW, it's oral sex...

    It is also the other definition offered in #15 according tyo the Urban Dictionary. I like Meredith's definition better...

    Posted by Darwin August 11, 09 12:56 PM
  1. What a handful this chick is.

    Posted by Handyman August 11, 09 12:56 PM
  1. kxs999 (comment 3) clearly has not followed this blog long enough =).

    Posted by Sam August 11, 09 12:56 PM
  1. This same thing happened to me! And my boyfriend dealt with it the same way Stan did and it's going to hurt for a little while. I know exactly how you feel about everything now reminding you of what you saw and how you can't get it out of your head and you act coldly toward him... but keep trying, he sounds like a great guy and it will get better I promise!

    Posted by kmo527 August 11, 09 01:00 PM
  1. You are not fit for a relationship with anyone. Let Stan go so he can be with an emotionally stable and strong woman

    Posted by aj August 11, 09 01:02 PM
  1. #105 get away from me,
    You said, "what kind of man would be interested in such an insecure woman?"
    Good point.

    I would answer, "an insecure man". Why knows, maybe that's why Stan makes and keeps his own sex videos - to convince himself he's a "stud".

    AV, do you think he might have intentionally left the video where you'd be likely to find it?

    Posted by TallGirl August 11, 09 01:05 PM
  1. I also agree with #108... a little Clockwork Orange session for a few days, doing nothing but watching these videos on replay reel the entire time. Maybe ask your bf to make a little "greatest hits" mixed tape...

    If this doesn't work, try introducing bestiality into the relationship. If you can stomach watching him with a familiar barnyard animal, the tapes will be a walk in the park.....

    Posted by DJMcG August 11, 09 01:07 PM
  1. This is not meant to be a cop-out answer, but I think you need therapy. But not just any therapy: look for a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT). Don't waste your time trying to explore the "Why's" behind your inability to let this go and move on. Many people here have explored those why's (Hoss, Kathleen, to name just two)... and they may have a point which is worth pondering, but it sounds to me like it's more important just to learn how to let go, stop obsessing, get this out of your head, and move on.

    So ask the therapist to provide CBT techniques to help you let go and move on - no matter what the why's are. Such a course of therapy will be very brief (possibly only a few sessions) and highly effective. Instead of spending hours on the couch analyzing your childhood, trust issues, insecurity, etc, a qualified CBT therapist will give you techniques you can use today, here and now, to get past all this.

    Techniques may include visualization. Imagine yourself free of these jealous thoughts. Or, imagine you are blowing the images into a balloon, then releasing the balloon up into the air. Or, distraction with something else whenever the images enter your head. For example, telling yourself, "This is important to think about, but not at the moment, while I'm with my boyfriend. I will think about it later when I'm alone."

    Or learning to separate your self from your feelings. Allow the feelings to wash over you, releasing them. Learn that feelings come and go - if you don't fight against them or try to hold on to them. It's the actions you take while caught up in the feelings, that are what cause further pain (like lashing out at your bf because you are feeling jealous).

    Or "faking it until you make it" (what Mer advises by smiling - and yes this really DOES work).

    These techniques all sound too simple to work, but they do! They are suprisingly effective because they retrain the brain, and take it out of the downward negative spiral. Study after study shows that CBT is more effective than traditional psychotherapy.

    I know this, because I have used CBT myself to conquer anxiety issues. I had serious anxiety problems most of my life - bad enough to need medication. Until I started learning CBT techniques. I have not needed any medication for about 8 years now. I still have the occasional intrusive thought, but it doesn't control me any longer. If CBT can do that for anxiety, it can do it for your intrusive jealous thoughts. I would act fast and soon, before this destroys your relationship. You can do this - you just need a therapist to show you how. It's very simple but highly effective. Good luck!

    P.s. if you can't afford a therapist, then just do some googling around... there's a wealth of information out there, including at your library. It can be self-taught, though it may take longer.

    Posted by anecdotal evidence August 11, 09 01:07 PM
  1. You should talk to a professional before you drive Stan away. As was pointed out, your previous marriage was a much bigger deal than some sex tapes. If he can deal with that you should deal with the tapes existing.

    Posted by John August 11, 09 01:11 PM
  1. AV -

    C'mon - do you know anyone who gets real excited about seeing pics of their S.O.'s ex's? He's been with you for two years, right? You've talked about it - several times - and he's responded to your concerns in what seems like a fairly positive and sensitive way.

    But you won't "just get over it". You can already tell. You're going to keep picking at this scab until it's a bloody mess. Then you'll break up and be living with someone new within six months.

    Not that I'd be all that fired up about seeing my gf doing the hibbidy-bibbidy on video with someone else, but as has been said, we all have a past. Geez - now that I think about it, having a greatest hits dvd would be kind of cool.....

    Regardless, I don't think you want to get over it.

    Just as important, todays haiku should be something special. No Pressure, V !!

    Posted by Joe August 11, 09 01:13 PM
  1. “Take Two” Haiku

    Condoms in pornos
    Leave a bland taste in my mouth
    Won him a Woody

    Posted by valentino August 11, 09 01:15 PM
  1. Not Hungry Anymore you are so off about "grilled cheese sandwiches"...
    ksx999 they are actually wonderful...
    Its when two people really love eachother they want to show their love...through their mouths but not necessarily with words

    Posted by korriv August 11, 09 01:16 PM
  1. I find it odd that she was on HIS computer and now she's mad that she found some of his movies. Move on or he's gone......

    Posted by Flash August 11, 09 01:26 PM
  1. I dont see the big deal with it at all. Everyone has a past and as long as the bf is not cheating and taping himself with other women now, why should it matter. Besides I find that americans are such puritans when it comes to porn. I am a woman and I find nothing wrong with porn or watching it. Whats the big deal any case. And if taping oneself turns someone on then be it. As long as the person is capable of committing to someone in the present, the past should be a moot point in my view.

    Posted by my two cents August 11, 09 01:28 PM
  1. I just think it's kind of weird that even after all of this time with you, he still has vids of himself with his ex. I'm sure it's exciting to him to watch it, but if it is hurting you, he should get rid of it. What matters more to him, your feelings or his MB material? You do need to stop fixating on it, though, no matter what he ends up doing. It really isn't healthy and, yes, you CAN control what you fixate on. Pick something positive and stop thinking about that RIGHT NOW. Good luck.

    Posted by somethingtothinkabout August 11, 09 01:28 PM
  1. Maybe if you watch them over and over again the shock/novelty will wear off.

    Posted by DavidDavidDavid August 11, 09 01:29 PM
  1. Thanks, Hoss.

    "#69 (Marcus)-- You're being a little harsh, dont you think? I think its great that LW was organized, and it helps us readers to provide better advice when we have all the facts."

    You are certainly free to ignore the 16,000 pound elephant that walked into the room and sat on our laps. I prefer not to. There is a difference between "organized" and "obsessive."

    The LW's problem is not the videotapes or her former marriage or the terrible risk that we might not understand exactly how she feels.

    Her problem is that her mental antennae are pointed entirely inward, not toward the outside world as they were meant to do. Ignoring her boyfriend, she nervously scans her inner horizon, intently seeking any sign of unhappiness or discomfort, any microscopic blemish that ruins the bliss of total perfection, and documenting it in tedious detail.

    Absolutely anyone who looks for trouble so diligently is quite likely to find it, whether it's really there or not. No human being can be happy with their antennae thus pretzled inward. Today, she is finding imagined fault in her boyfriend. When she gets a bit older, she may start building a medical record of epic proportions, full of dubious minor complaints that a more mature woman would scarcely notice.

    It is not "harsh" to point out the obvious. Merely observant. And thus, helpful.

    Posted by Marcus August 11, 09 01:30 PM
  1. "Stan" seems incredibly understanding about your feelings. And you seem to to identify correctly that this problem is a problem about you, not Stan.

    Some lessons you need to learn are:

    1). Stop snooping. He's entitled to his privacy. He's done NOTHING to inflict harm on you.

    2). YOU have a problem. Get an outstanding therapist now. One who will make you work on "you" and not let you ramble on and on about Stan.

    3). Let Stan know you are seeking help so that you can work on your issues. Let Stan know you realize he isn’t the problem.

    4). Prepare to lose Stan if you don’t get your act together.

    Stan seems to be an incredibly mature man. I hope this works out best for both of you.

    Posted by Sigh August 11, 09 01:32 PM
  1. I once knew a man named BJ. Man, he loved Grilled Cheese.

    Posted by GotIt? August 11, 09 01:34 PM
  1. Look at this as an opportunity to learn about PC hardware.

    Go buy a nice big new hard drive, your favourite version of Windows/Office/Mac. and learn how to install them yourself.

    Then you take the old hard drive with the video and copy all the really useful files onto the new system.

    Finally you take a drill to the old hard drive and drill right through the middle a couple of times.

    And you sit back knowing that you will never have to face those old pieces of crap any longer.

    and PractisePractisePractise your most innocent look and "Oh sweetie, I thought every guy likes a really BIG hard drive??" until it comes out real natural like.

    Posted by Irene August 11, 09 01:38 PM
  1. Meredith is totally right on and I dig the post by dz with the Beatles song in it. You definitely need to get over this. I myself am the jealous type and I kind of hate it about myself to be honest. It just makes you look ugly, jealousy is definitely not attractive. Let's face it there aren't too many people that can pull off bright green! The things that Stan did in his past are in his past and even though you could have gone without seeing it they did make Stan the great guy that he is today. You need to let the scrapbooks in the house Stan's experiences are part of Stan and you need to decide if you can love ALL of Stan or just the Stan that you're willing to allow in the house. p.s. Meredit I just recently found this feature on Boston.com and I am in love with it!! Great work

    Posted by KA August 11, 09 01:40 PM
  1. Wow - that is rough...Downright horrible. Luckily in my "hay rolling days" no one video taped themselves - the only videos like that were "the real porno movies" to sell or renting the video's. You don't indicate if he destroyed the "nasty video's"? I'd make him destroy them right away - and then try to forget it - OR YOU & HE MAKE A WILD & SEXY PORNO VIDEO TOGETHER THAT'LL MAKE HIS OLD VIDEO SEEM LIKE A "BLAND UNCOOKED CHEESE SANDWICH" ....keeping old flames pictures of "normal stuff" with clothes on is fine - but nooooo bedroom stuff unless it's of you & him together.

    Posted by Been around August 11, 09 01:41 PM
  1. Sally, much like the LW, you are trying to hard to make something out of nothing. LW is in a good relationship with Stan. She's not everything in the sack that video girl was and that is why Stan keeps the video as back up for reminiscing or for dry spells, but he clearly wants to be in a long term relationship with LW. You make entertaining comments for Meredith and the LWs. You serve a purpose here. However, that purpose is not to post comments directly to me.

    There is only one fundamental rule in life and it definitely applies to both you and LW: Know your role.

    Posted by Hoss August 11, 09 01:45 PM
  1. Wow - please get over this before you completely alienate Stan and loose him. Any guy that would make you feel heard and hold you when you cry is a keeper. You may want to explore your feelings with a professional because I'm thinking there is something else feeding this and the old videos are not 100% to blame.
    One last suggestion - don't open the files and watch next time! Relationships and marriage are all about trust. What you don't know, won't hurt you. Just trust Stan that he is being faithful NOW. That's what matters.

    Posted by Nancyed August 11, 09 01:49 PM
  1. it's not easy to get over jealousy ... but you need to! especially if YOU think you're being unreasonably jealous.

    when my jealousy was getting out of control, i worked at turning it into a joke because i knew i was being ridiculous and it was driving me nuts. and it gave me significant other something productive to do - i could tell him and instead of again holding my hand and reassuring me, he could help lighten my mood and the situation ... and he didn't feel like i was blaming him.

    and be thankful for his past - it's what brought him to you!

    Posted by stephanie August 11, 09 01:54 PM
  1. 1. Seek Therapy!
    2. Start looking for a new dude. If you are acting as crazy as it sounds, he is collecting possesions and preparing to jump ship like 1st class passangers on the Titanic!

    Posted by Get overit August 11, 09 02:00 PM
  1. This thread is worthless without embedded video links.

    Posted by Mansfield Dude August 11, 09 02:01 PM
  1. Poster #124, excuse me while I go throw up...through my mouth.

    Posted by bolter August 11, 09 02:03 PM
  1. Not to ruin your day, but all I can say is, is there ANY proof that this is an OLD video? How do you know it wasn't made the other day when you were at work / the other night when you went out with your girlfriends?

    My advice would be to live in the moment, and for your own sake, not for someone else. I think you need to be able to validate yourself through your own eyes, and not through the eyes of someone else (i.e. boyfriend), because your entire adult life has been spend in a relationship. I think you need to stop caring what others think so much, and be able to live alone for a while. You need to prove that you are your own person and can stand on your own two feet?

    Posted by Dizzle August 11, 09 02:05 PM
  1. I second the therapy.

    But I also think part of a good relationship is learning what issues are best to bring up and what issues are best to keep to yourself. If this is something that you need to deal with more, deal with it apart from him. Therapist, friend, or maybe the visual imagery that some others suggested will work.

    Think about feelings as experiences that you choose to react to. You can: ignore them, release them (in iimagination), just wait them out til they go away and you feel differently, act stupidly with them, you get to decide. If you have trouble with this, a therapist can be an ally in learning how to do it. Similarly with thoughts--if you find yourself thinking of this, you can CHOOSE to replace the thought with some other thought to get out of this cycle...like a good loving experience you and your bf had together, or something mundane (breathing, the sun, anything aside from the offending thought).

    But you have to WANT to get over it.

    Posted by Good luck August 11, 09 02:06 PM
  1. Co-sign with Meredith (as always)!!

    She is absolutely right about his past experiences (and yours) making you two the people you are now that you both love about each other. After all, one of the first things you wrote (in elaborate detail at that) is how much you enjoy your sex life. Well, guess what....maybe if he didn't have such a mixture of experiences, you wouldn't have wrote that and instead would be writing that your boyfriend doesn't know how to satisfy you.

    And like Meredith mentioned, you were married and I'm sure had many "grilled cheese" experiences as well. That it just happened to not be videotaped and on your computer is the luck of the draw. I'm sure if you did, and he happened to see it, it would've weirded him out too, but hopefully, he'd be able to get past it and focus on who you are today.

    I'm also not sure why it's bothering you to see pictures of his girlfriends at various key moments in his life. If the two of you are enjoying good times NOW, then you need to focus on that....the NOW. The past is over....it happened. No one can change it. Quite frankly, that he had previous girlfriends in highschool and college and went on vacations and incorporated them into his family pictures shows that he's had a very normal social life. Another reason to see these experiences for the positive that they are. Believe me, you should be glad that you're dating someone who is able to have healthy social relationships vs someone who is so socially isolated that they've never had friends or lovers.

    As Meredith mentioned, he's there for you now and is being open and honest with you about how important you are to him and that he sees a future with you. Don't throw special relationship away because of your own insecurities that YOU (not HIM) needs to address because it's obviously clouding how you view his life before he met you, and if I was him, I would not be fulfilled in a relationship where someone was more focused on my past than my present with them.

    As Meredith keenly noted, your insecurities are most likely stemming from unresolved issues from your cheating husband. I notice you talked around it without saying "cheating". Perhaps just like you sidestep it with your writing, you may sidestep it emotionally as well. Burying it...and not addressing it. I highly suggest you get immediate counseling to deal with your insecurities so that you don't use as your boyfriend as a counselor. After all, he's not trained for that...but the good thing is he's at great training in being a good boyfriend. Only thing left now...is for you to see that you deserve this.

    Posted by brklynmom August 11, 09 02:07 PM
  1. You snoop because you don't trust him. You don't trust him because your ex was untrustworthy. Your snooping finds something inadmissible in the court of the present, because it was in the reality of the past. Your problem is with your ex and your management of that problem. You've brought that problem to a new person, like a disease. You are not over your ex until you are over the negative things that you inherited from him. If you lie to yourself about this, you then lie to Stan about your position with him. You bring the disease forward and risk poisoning others. Get over it, or get on with someone else who wants or needs to be distrusted.

    Posted by Trust is your problem August 11, 09 02:09 PM
  1. wow he seems like a really good guy..you need to get over it before you lose him!

    Posted by court August 11, 09 02:19 PM
  1. Rico's update for your afternoon delight:

    Rico was being somewhat fecicious and somewhat serious in suggesting making your own video. It seems a lot of other people have this same idea and others are totally against it. If you want to do it it is fine but keep in mind if things don't work you will be a saved file in his computer for future reference.

    Rico suggested that you take a deep breath and let it go since harping on something you can't change is not going to get you anywhere but out of a relationship with this guy. If that is what you desire then keep worrying about it and you should be single again real soon. If you want this to work then you need to work on getting past the fact this guy had a past and chose to document it.

    Rico saves a lot of stuff from his past for memories and is sure you probably do too. It just so happens that your guy saves video footage instead of prom photo's shot in a hotel lobby. Also mentioned is that you were married at one point and divorced. This can be bothersome to some and to others not a big deal. Of course he could be wondering about your ability to work through an argument or ability to keep a relationship together but has he told you of his fears?

    We all have fears going in to a relationship, purchase of a home or a car or even a pair of jeans. Will they fit? Will they be out of style in a month? Will they be on sale next week for half price? Will the house have plumbing problems? Has the car been in an accident I didn't know about? We all have questions about things that are in the past and we all need to step back and realize there are only few guarantees in life. Rico thinks you need to focus on the here and now of this relationship and forget about his past as it seems he has put yours aside too. Many men and women won't date a person that has been divorced while others feel otherwise since it shows they were capable of commitment or have already been through tough times and now know how to handle things better by learning from mistakes.

    Rico thinks you need to decide if you want this to work or not and move forward before it is too late. Rico knows if it were him he would be wondering about your ability to forgive and forget. This is very very important in a marriage. Rico is not perfect and neither is anyone else. If Rico does something stupid like maybe he dries his wifes favorite sweater and ruins it and his wife goes on about it forever it won't be a pleasant place to live. If Rico understands his mistake and admits his stupidity and promises to try harder and actually does then that is much more productive. See, Rico thinks you need to realize that some battles just aren't worth fighting over. Clothing, cars, tv's etc...can all be replaced fairly easily, however a good match in a relationship isn't always that easy. Evidence of that is just how many people Stan had dated before he met you...Imagine having to go out in the dating world again? Rico goes back to the old saying of the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence...if it is you could just fertilize and water and see what happens to your own grass since it's your grass and you already know what it has been through. The devil you know....The next guy could have 75 previous girls but no videos or pictures and you would never know about it. Sounds like you opened Pandora's box and need to close it quick before any further damage is inflicted.

    Love always,


    Pedal Power...gears not gas

    Posted by Rico August 11, 09 02:19 PM
  1. Do you have any idea how lucky you are? Really! This guy didn't cheat on you and even apologized when you invaded his privacy. Who knows why he kept the videos? Maybe he forgot they were there, or maybe he's just a perv who likes to watch porn. Either way, you need to stop sweating him about it and do whatever you can to get over it- or you will lose him.

    Posted by You better check yourself.... August 11, 09 02:21 PM
  1. Just because a guy watches porn, watches videos of him and his ex getting it on, or just plain pleasures himself, doesn' t mean that he is unfulfilled in his relationship. They are 2 separate issues. In my relationships, the better the sex has been with my partner, the more I have partaken in the above activities. Some women just don't seem to understand this about men.

    Posted by StevieB August 11, 09 02:22 PM
  1. # of times Rico refers to himself in the 3rd person today: 11

    Posted by RicoCounter August 11, 09 02:22 PM
  1. OK Video Paradise you are a prude. It's just a sex tape with an ex of his and it was private and she crossed the line. If the LW can't deal with it she must move on or he surely will sooner or later..

    Posted by techdood August 11, 09 02:25 PM
  1. Why dont you think about the day before you found the video? Were you happy with your relationship? Just because you found that video - that does not mean that you need to throw away your relationship. We all have memories from the past - but there are part of the past. He is not in contact with her... right? Do your best to let go and enjoy the fact that you now have a good relationship.

    Posted by La Chica August 11, 09 02:29 PM
  1. Marcus is on it. I was exhausted reading your letter - if you had kept it short and sweet - "SO has pornvid with former galpal on his computer - bugs me - what do I do?" - i think the responses might have been a bit more charitable. Accept, move or die (well, not that extreme). Accept it or move on.

    Posted by Maryro August 11, 09 02:38 PM
  1. If you take the advice to dump him seriously, you have more problems than you realize. You're 27 now - would you like to be 39 and single? 'Cause you have no idea when someone who loves you will come along again. Not that you should settle if it isn't working, but if this is the only "problem" in your relationship, you're doing better than most. Perfection is as mythical as a fully formed grown-up without a past.

    Posted by Cassandra August 11, 09 02:39 PM
  1. Marcus is on it. I was exhausted reading your letter - if you had kept it short and sweet - "SO has pornvid with former galpal on his computer - bugs me - what do I do?" - i think the responses might have been a bit more charitable. Accept, move or die (well, not that extreme). Accept it or move on.

    Posted by Maryro August 11, 09 02:43 PM
  1. Run, Stanley, Run! Honestly if Stan is liberated enough to make a tape and you are so repressed you can't get past this maybe you are better off seeking more like-minded partners...

    Posted by NBoston40 August 11, 09 02:45 PM
  1. It sounds as if you are not confident in your sexual performance. Or, maybe you saw him having a better time with the other girl because she was more in touch with her sexuality. Or maybe you are just a flat out prude. In any event, my advice is to make your own sultry sex tapes with him (if you are able)...he obviously into that sort of thing. That way, when he dumps you, his next girlfriend can become jealous and insecure and you will no longer feel so alone.

    Alternatively you could grow up and realize everyone has a past (even if it's not video taped) and get over it.

    Posted by Kay-Man August 11, 09 02:49 PM
  1. Stan likes porn... with him in it. AV wants to be put on a pedistal. This could work if AV is willing to make porn tapes with stan. That wont happen, not with a happy ending anyway (no pun intended). AV mentions her "past" sexual insecurities, guess what? nothings changed. Although she claims great sex with stan, we know what's happening. Stan breaks out all his great sex moves for STAN. AV just happens to be there and believes his act. Stan has sex issues too, he likes watching himself get some which makes me think he's a little odd. I'm sure there will be cheating in the very near future, or the break up. Just not meant for eachother.

    Posted by wildyellow August 11, 09 02:49 PM
  1. My suggestion is get therapy. There are probably some deep-seeded roots from the uncommitted marriage, like why did you get involved with this dufus in the first place. Unlike your husband, Stan sounds like a keeper. Humans tend to have this "just dropped from the sky" attitude about new loves. They all have a past. We're in the computer age and you found out something about his. I would be grateful that whatever this old girlfriend and others taught him is to your benefit now. Love him unconditionally. It takes strength to soul search so a few therapy sessions could help you tremendously. It seems the bottom line is more about your self esteem than his old flame.

    Posted by ramona126 August 11, 09 02:57 PM
  1. This girl needs to get over it, you are going to lose a great guy. He was willing to make you feel better and make you know he loves YOU. But you can't keep "badgering" him about it, it will drive him away. When you saw what the video contained you should have stopped right there, you yourself hurt yourself, not Stan. You really need to forget about what you saw - it wasn't meant for you to see. And these people are right, you were MARRIED before, you promised to love this person forever, whether or not it's your fault that you are not together anymore, if you acted insecure with your husband - he may have well had said - well she thinks I am cheating and I am getting all this headache and I am not cheating, maybe I should. Don't be so insecure and non-trusting. Get help from a therapist if you are. And if Stan did something so terrible in his past relationships like having sex, (like you didn't) then break up with him and let him have great sex with someone else.

    Posted by acmebun August 11, 09 02:58 PM
  1. I am beginning to be won over to the side of the "Make Your Own Video" camp here. The key is to make something that really "brings your *A* game" to the level that he will no longer want to watch the old videos, or ever even think about the old gal. I highly recommend something in the realm of Deutsch Scheisse Essen Videos, quite fun for all involved.

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 August 11, 09 03:04 PM
  1. I keep my things private for a reason so that my gf doesn't get a hold of them..
    There's really no need to talk about past relationships or how many we had, just need to know that we're togehter now.
    The tapes brought up feelings of betrayal from the marriage so this is time to deal with them. We can't ever know if the one we're with cheats or not, we just have to trust ourselves and take that risk, a calculated risk. Who knows but you may wind up being the one to cheat in your relationship.. life has many twists and turns.

    Posted by rick August 11, 09 03:17 PM
  1. You know what? A lot of guys just like porn. That's the only reason he kept the tape...he likes to watch porn. If he erased it, I guarantee you, he'll find some other porn to watch. So you have a few options- nag him about it or get over it. Which do you think ends with you keeping the guy?

    Posted by Full house August 11, 09 03:24 PM
  1. Off Topic - You can find out what a grilled cheese is in the urban dictionary.

    Posted by Sam August 11, 09 03:28 PM
  1. Hey Hoss-- I like your comments.

    Lets talk about you. How old are you? Are you single? hahaha seriously though...

    Posted by Kristen August 11, 09 03:40 PM
  1. I don't think a woman could ever understand why he still has the videos...it has nothing whatsoever to do with the current GF--positively or negatively. The physical act of sex simply has more intrinsic meaning for a guy (while with many women it's more about an emotional tie that leads to the physical).

    Therefore, keeping a sex video is like keeping a photo--ANY photo--to a woman.

    Posted by Spy August 11, 09 03:40 PM
  1. Grow up.
    Methinks you doth protest too much.
    Perhaps the issue is it turned you on at some level and are having problems dealing with it.

    But what is is a control issue. You not only want to control the life you are living, you want to control your SO's life in the past. You want him not to have had a past.

    I had a girlfriend who insisted on pretending I had no "past". I got past her quickly.

    Posted by capemh August 11, 09 03:41 PM
  1. Sam #163 -- Have you been paying attention at all? Urban Dictionary's grilled cheese is not the same thing we are talking about here, it's already been covered in about fifty comments.

    Posted by cat in the hat August 11, 09 03:41 PM
  1. Although you have certainly come to right place with this issue, we will need to examine the evidence closely to give you the best possible advice. May I suggest that you post links to the videos here, so that we can decide, in an objective manner, how you might resolve the matter?

    Posted by Bony Melon August 11, 09 03:41 PM
  1. Here is a meditation-related technique for getting images and bad experiences out of your mind.

    1) concentrate on the image. Visualize it very clearly.
    2) now, in your mind's eye, rub out each part of it with an eraser. Take your time. Make sure you get every bit of it rubbed down to the bare white paper.
    3) repeat as needed.

    This works well for me in clearing everyday stresses -- the grumpy clerk at the grocery store, the gross scene in some movie. Hope it works for you!

    By the way, I once broke up with a man I was deeply in love with, not because he was unfaithful but because, during a rocky patch, he had a houseguest with whom "we talked about having sex but decided not to". I was so hurt that he would even entertain the notion! I just never got over it. Retrospectively I think it was for the best. Sounds like your relationship is worth fighting for though.

    Posted by ZenNoZen August 11, 09 03:43 PM
  1. A cunning linguist might describe "Grilled Cheese" as one that fell late.

    Posted by Webster August 11, 09 03:47 PM
  1. Webster, that was fantastic!!!

    Posted by sm1231 August 11, 09 03:53 PM
  1. # of times Rico refers to himself in the 3rd person in his afternoon post: 13. Daily total: 24

    Posted by RicoCounter August 11, 09 04:01 PM
  1. Hossku?

    Who will win???????

    Wednesday at one o'clock sharp.
    Hoss on his high horse.
    Sally on her puppy dog.

    Posted by Frico August 11, 09 04:08 PM
  1. AV,
    Look around your bedroom. Do you have some cheap bracelet that your ex gave you for a birthday? How about a ticket stub from a movie from a "perfect" date you once had sitting in your jewelry drawer. These little things that we hold onto have a much deeper sentimental value to us then anybody else. I guarantee you that if Stan knew you kept that ticket stub from that date with another guy, then he would be upset.
    Stan's special tape most likely has none of the sentimental value of your trinkets, he could have kept it just for kicks or maybe something for those long, cold nights when you are not around. Unless you want to explain all of your stuff to him, I suggest you move on.

    Posted by agnh August 11, 09 04:09 PM
  1. I don't think a woman could ever understand why he still has the videos...it has nothing whatsoever to do with the current GF--positively or negatively. The physical act of sex simply has more intrinsic meaning for a guy (while with many women it's more about an emotional tie that leads to the physical).

    Therefore, keeping a sex video is like keeping a photo--ANY photo--to a woman.

    Posted by Spy August 11, 09 04:12 PM
  1. I have officially bypassed the "Rico" posts. Pathetic, and gay.

    This is a common issue and difficult to overcome when one partner has insecurity and jealousy issues. No one want to think of their lover with someone else. My GF when I was young, told me about former lover, and all I could think about for days was her description of this other guy and how great the sex was. I was livid and jealous and couldnt get it out of my mind. Then I grew up.

    Posted by billy13 August 11, 09 04:22 PM
  1. In reading this today, I'm quite shocked that so many people have stated that they supposedly have their own videos. What's the point? Other than looking back on them when you're not together. Or if the other person goes on an extended vacation or business trip. I never understood the thrill in that, other than these reasons, if you're still with the person than you can actually be intimate with them in person not on video. I would think that guys like to do it because they're porn star wannabes. Most women I know would either laugh or slap their partner when asked such a thing. I think there's a lot of bull on here, but hey that's everywhere.

    Posted by Flash August 11, 09 04:26 PM
  1. Have fun in sex video tape movie with Stan Van Gundy, AV. He's great guy that every Sports fan knew about. We're dying to see that!

    Posted by KL August 11, 09 04:37 PM
  1. Webster - hilarious. Reminds me of Colonel Ingus from Saturday Night Live.

    Posted by Grilled Cheese August 11, 09 04:44 PM
  1. I hated the guy in the videotape so just get over it. he is not worthy for you to get
    even think one second about alright.

    Posted by Danielle August 11, 09 04:58 PM
  1. Haven't read all the responses, but I agree with Meredith and the others who have said that this is in the past and you just need to move on from it. I am sure it was unsettling to see a sex tape of your bf and his ex. But, there are a million reasons why he may have kept the video, it doesn't mean anything. Let it go.

    I think the reason this is such a big deal to you at this point is - as Meredith and others pointed out - you are still dealing with the repercussions of your marriage. You glossed over it, but your husband cheated on you and then you very quickly moved into a new relationship. I think this insecurity about the tapes has more to do with the fear that Stan will leave you for another woman like your ex did than anything else.

    Posted by CC August 11, 09 05:30 PM
  1. I personally think a magic number "in the teens" is too high. But too each his own.

    I wouldn't date a girl that high. Sorry. I think that number says a lot about you and your priorities.

    Posted by Old Fashioned 24 Yrd Old August 11, 09 05:44 PM
  1. It will take time to get over your feelings no matter what, but making your own video with Stan might help you feel like you're on a more even playing field with his exes. Also, ask him to delete his old videos, he shouldn't have kept those anyways.

    Posted by Miss Mandy August 11, 09 05:51 PM
  1. That's Colonel Angus...it was a pun...

    Posted by Spy August 11, 09 05:56 PM
  1. Asking him to delete the videos is kinda like asking Stan to throw away his old wedding photos? Would any of you do that? Now if Stan wants to watch him and his ex as part of your sexual adventures, then that is wrong.

    Different people have different norms. For example, my current GF showed me photos of herself from a fetish party. She showed me where she hung the sex swing that she and her ex-boyfriend used. She then suggested we get our own swing. All's good for me. If that doesn't work for you then perhaps you want to move on. The one thing I've learned over the years with many relationships is that sexual desires and preferences are often overlooked and suppressed until something bad happens.

    Posted by John August 11, 09 06:19 PM
  1. I think Stanley is a perfectionist. You know how football coaches show tape to the players to show them the mistakes they've made? Stanley watches it to correct any mistake he makes in bed. I bet he whips out the telestrator to circle his own bare behind. BOOM! WHAP! BIFF! That's what I'm talking about. If only us guys were as particular in improving our lovemaking abilities...we'd be perfect.

    Don't believe me? Didn't the LW say something like it's the best sex she's ever had? Practice certainly makes perfect.

    Salute the Admiral for he is right yet again.

    Posted by Admiral Antgro August 11, 09 06:20 PM
  1. Wow! The teens. He's a monk compared to the guys I know who lived through the '70s.

    Anyway, there seem to be two schools of thought. One is he's a creep and dump him. The other is that he is a great guy and you are overreacting and should get: A. Over it, or B. Therapy.
    This does not count the sub threads like "you invaded his privacy." Let's just call that even with him keeping the videos.

    So, you have to decide which is more important to you: If you really want to keep this relationship, follow the second school and get help of tough it out. I would recommend the former - and I do not normally, but this is troubling you too much for wine and commiseration to ally. You run the risk of always having those images in the back of your head, but you will probably be alright.

    On the other hand, if this is really creeping you out, therapy is not necessay. Move on. Here, you run the risk of being alone for awhile, and maybe unahppy and misreable, but you will have the moral highground.

    The choice is simple really. Just look closely at yourdelf and decide.

    Best of luck

    Posted by Loveisadrug August 11, 09 06:33 PM
  1. Well this letter is marginally better than yesterday’s “Am I gay?” letter. Let Uncle Mistral break it down for you:

    You have 2 choices:

    1. Get over it, or

    2. Get used to living alone, with 37 cats.

    If you turn Stan's life into "Nag-a-palooza” then he’s gone, and you’re going to have to start over and go find *another* guy, and this one had better not like porn (lotsa luck with that). You’re lucky he hasn’t dumped your silly @ss over this already.


    Posted by Mistral August 11, 09 06:34 PM
  1. still haven't read all the comments...but wanted to add another thing I noticed about your dating history....and that is, you've never had downtime between relationships to just focus on you. In my humble opinion and from my own experience, there's a lot to be said for individual growth that occurs when not dating someone. I think sometimes when people have a pattern of jumping from one relationship to another it's because they're either 1) too initimidated to be by themselves or 2) they have issues and run into someone else's arms as comfort/avoidance so as not to deal with the issues weighing them down (either consciously or subconsciously).

    As Meredith mentioned, perhaps it is just pure luck or serendipity that you happened to meet your boyfriends one right after another. But, the fact that you went from a relationship (that led to marriage) that lasted 7 years and didn't take at least a year to re-group and spend time on your own getting at peace with the end of the relationship, going through the grieving of the relationship, and also just doing things that you enjoy doing on your own, gives me the impression that you've never really been fully independent in going through life's struggles on your own and fall for someone as a crutch to take your mind off of deep-rooted pain/worry/anxieties.

    Like I suggested earlier, I do think you need to get counseling to address your insecurity, but it would also be a good place to look back at your relationship choices and see why you leap so quickly into committed relationships without giving yourself time for self growth. A good counselor will be able to untangle those decisions and see what you may be running from. In the end, you don't want to have to always seek approval from others, but be able to find it within. That will get you through more things in life than someone else's constantly-needed reassurances. Not only are you doing a dis-service to yourself, but also to your partner by objectifying him as someone with ex girlfriends and not seeing him for the whole person he is. He is after all more than the sum of all the girlfriends he's had. He has a heart and soul...and you're missing all of that with this pre-occupation on a small (in scope) aspect of his life. All the best to you as work through all this.

    Posted by bklynmom August 11, 09 07:09 PM
  1. "OH MY GOD" how painfully insecure.

    Posted by Anonymous August 11, 09 09:03 PM
  1. 188....just foolish.

    1. Ooh, 27 and having to find another guy?? What are the odds!!! Are you kidding me?

    2. Seems to me it was not his porn she was troubled by, just the porn starring "Stan"....bit of a difference there.

    LW, I have never been there...the only advice I have is to weed out this kind of idiocy.

    Posted by SettleDown August 11, 09 10:09 PM
  1. A wise person once told me: "if someone or something pushes your buttons, shame on you for having the buttons." Basically, you must take personal responsibility for your feelings. If visualization or just trying to "deal with it" doesn't work, then I would try therapy. Stan may have triggered a younger part of you that got hurt even BEFORE your marriage. You need to clean that up so you can feel more peaceful and secure in your relationship. Good luck!

    Posted by empathetic August 11, 09 10:27 PM
  1. Don't make any tapes of your own. This is a ridiculous idea given how these tapes live on beyond the boundaries of many relationships. Tapes are forever. Unfortunately they outlive the love and passion depicted.

    I don't have an answer for your problem. I would hesitate to recommend someone who is holding on to explicit movies of his ex. It doesn't seem accidental.

    This seems to be the type of issue that will not resolve easily and could cause terrible stress in your relationship. Only you know what your nature will permit you to "forgive". You either need to decide the video isn't a make or break issue for you or step back and slow things down with Stan.

    Honestly, I can't see a man that keeps an explict video of his ex being husband and father material.

    Call me old fashioned (I dare you.) I think keeping explicit materials handy in a new relationship is questionable..

    My very best to you.

    Posted by portiaperu August 11, 09 10:41 PM
  1. Have him send the tapes to me and I will destroy them.

    Posted by Eddie R. August 12, 09 06:16 AM
  1. Accidental????

    No, you snooped and got burned. Learn the lesson and don't snoop again.

    Posted by LeepIi August 12, 09 06:36 AM
  1. The reason he kept that video is so he can run it in his mind while he is with you, you nagging harpie. Get used to it.

    Posted by Youk's Troops August 12, 09 08:21 AM
  1. You women are so over sensitive. Get over it. He slept with other women and had a good time. No 20something man needs a nagging, emotionally distraught over sensitive little girl in his life. H'es on his wsay out SOON if you don't get over it. At least I would be.... get a grip on yourself

    Posted by WomenHatersClub August 12, 09 08:48 AM
  1. I feel your pain, it is never any fun to have a look into your significant others past. I've gone through a similar experience where I was very upset with my "Stan" and he really hadn't done anything wrong but I was frustrated and hurt by a situation he had brought into our relationship. I couldn't drop it and it was weighing on our relationship tremendously. What I did that I thought really helped was write a letter to Stan saying exactly how I felt inside... no holding back. This letter was only for me, he is to never see it. I actually just tore it up and threw it away on Sunday after a few months of holding onto it. Writing the letter let me get out all of my aggrivation and frustration on our situation without having to put Stan through another break down of unnecessary emotions. I know it's hard but you have to put this behind you and move forward or leave th relationship. I hope this helps.

    Posted by BeenThere August 12, 09 09:05 AM
  1. Simple ... she and stand should make their own video that blows the old ones away. then she will have new images in her mind that will quickly make the others seem all so yesterday ....

    Posted by mhammer August 12, 09 09:05 AM
  1. Yea - great advice, Mistral.
    Let's go for option #3:
    Turn him in for a younger model and live happily ever after...

    Cats not Dogs

    Posted by Rica August 12, 09 09:28 AM

    Posted by L August 12, 09 09:36 AM
  1. Please. Go. To. Counseling.
    Call it therapy, call it your life coach.

    Posted by cathy August 12, 09 09:40 AM
  1. Ok, first let me say this-
    I am a woman. I live with my boyfriend. He has a whole seperate hard drive of past conquests. I snooped once, saw things I didn't want to see, and I haven't snooped since. Guys have videos, guys have pics, guys collect dirty underpants from women..why? B/c they are visual beings. It doesn't mean they don't love you any less.
    All the women on this board that are saying 'get rid of him' are nuts. Guys keep old vids and pics for the same reason they go to strip clubs- something to look at occasionally. They choose to be with you.
    I have my share of insecurities and go through my own bouts of jealousy issues- sometimes on a daily basis, but what I don't care about are pics and videos of pig-women from years and years ago. As long as they aren't calling, emailing, or texting my boyfriend, I don't care if he has them. If they ARE calling, emailing or texting, I will deal with both of them in an [in]appropriate manner that I see fit.
    Any woman that is telling this lady to leave Stan over a video is stupid. Women like that probably better keep a better eye on their own significant others because it's the crazy women like you that make men have to do a better job of hiding things in the first place. If a guy wants to look at a naked pic of some pig he banged 8 years ago- WHO CARES! Because #1 they're history, and #2, chances are they don't look like that anymore!

    Confidence ladies. Confidence. Get some and quit bashing this guy, he obviously wants to be with her, and as long as he's not cheating, it doesn't matter how many videos he has on his computer- because it's HIS computer.

    Posted by Annoyed August 12, 09 10:11 AM
  1. I absolutely love how the soapbox brigade is more concerned about preaching their thoughts on a video instead of actually giving ADVICE! Yeah, anyone who makes a video like that shouldn't be marriage or father material?!?! Get a clue.

    Did you read how LW is so bothered by high school graduations pictures of Stan with other women, scrapbooks with innocent pictures of Stan with other women, etc.?

    Frankly, if I was Stan, and my GF wouldn't let my HS graduation picture or scrapbook of a part of my life before her, be able to see the light of day, then I would drop her like a hot ash. The insecurities, snooping, lack of confidence in the bedroom, and nagging behavior are a series of GIANT RED FLAGS that simply cannot be ignored.

    Here is my advice: Run, Stan, Run!!! Gump it, brutha! Don't look back.

    Posted by Bob Dwyer August 12, 09 10:11 AM
  1. The past is the past.. If I had a movie that I looked good in I would want to keep it... not for any other reason but me... if you are secure enough with yourself.. the ghosts from his past would not bother you.... and as far as you being inexperienced.. practice makes perfect ;).. learn some new "moves"

    Good Luck

    Posted by JoJo Halzyn August 12, 09 10:30 AM
  1. #203 - It is ye who turns a blind third eye to your husband's dirty laundry (read: images of past conquests and etc on his computer). It's unfortunate because you truly deserve all of his attention, not for him to shuttle back into the past and relive his sexual past. Until you change your mind and get rid of his playbox, you will continue to be haunted by images of him and his PIG-pen.

    Good luck. Salute the Admiral, for he is right again.

    Posted by Admiral Antgro August 12, 09 10:39 AM
  1. I still think it's outrageous that people think that once a person becomes involved with another person they're for some reason supposed to destroy all their memories of their lives up to that point. Let Stan keep is his videos, and stop snooping around his stuff - that's creepy! And embrace this creative aspect of Stan's lovemaking, and make your own video with him. You think you own Stan and his body and his memories?!? I still think he should RUN in the other direction.

    Posted by bosfiddle August 12, 09 10:50 AM
  1. You were snooping around and saw something you didn't want to see. It's your fault, so now it's on you to get over it.

    Posted by PD August 12, 09 11:03 AM
  1. I'm starting to like Admiral Antgro, # 206.

    Yes, Annoyed (#203) - it IS all about confidence. Including sticking up for your feelings when something bothers you, which is obviously the case in this situation. People shouldn't have to apologize for how they feel.

    Otherwise, I'm going to quote #206:

    "#203 - It is ye who turns a blind third eye to your husband's dirty laundry (read: images of past conquests and etc on his computer). It's unfortunate because you truly deserve all of his attention, not for him to shuttle back into the past and relive his sexual past. Until you change your mind and get rid of his playbox, you will continue to be haunted by images of him and his PIG-pen."

    And all of you people comparing a sex tape to high school photographs - wow. You're really really dense.

    Cats not Dogs

    Posted by Rica August 12, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Find me a man who deletes a sex tape that they are in......and I'll laugh at that man. Ladies, it would just never happen without an ultimatum. Ever.

    Posted by Peter Pumpkineater August 12, 09 11:34 AM
  1. In the words of my wife (and this is EXACTLY why I married her:)...."GET OVER IT WOMAN!!!"

    Posted by Lucky Guy August 12, 09 12:13 PM
  1. In the words of my wife (and this is EXACTLY why I married her:)...."GET OVER IT WOMAN!!!"

    Posted by Lucky Guy August 12, 09 12:14 PM
  1. First of all, why in the hell are you snooping around his computer files?!?!
    Second of all, why in the hell are you snooping around his computer files?!?!

    The minute you took this action, you gave up any right to be jealous of anything, regardless of what some on this board may think about the so-called validity of your feelings. Newsflash, your feelings do not trump his right to privacy!

    And for all you insecure, knitting-circle gossips out there, all you do by validating this woman's behavior is expose your own flawed personalities.

    Posted by Puh-Leeze August 12, 09 12:25 PM
  1. Wow--have any of you morons--including Meridith--ever been in a relationship where sexual "carelessness" was discovered (or heard of shared computers, which is what most people have)? If not, then listen to someone who has been at the wrong end of kink: there is NO SUCH THING AS AN ACCIDENT! Get out--fast. Do NOT make a video with him unless you want his next honey to see it. And no, I never made the video, but I married someone who had serious issues, even though I had 1. known him forever 2. thought we had each done pretty thorough vetting of the other. Then I found the gay teenage porn. Then I discovered his bizarre Facebook life. All this after GREAT sex that fast became NO sex. AV, chalk this one up to hard-won experience and save yourself.

    Posted by Been there, done that August 12, 09 01:10 PM
  1. Addendum: to all of you who think a marriage is a much bigger deal: marriage is NORMAL. Home-made sex tapes are NOT normal, and when kept have the added attraction of indicating big-time stupidity. I ain't no sexual prude, but if this is considered normative behavior, then it's just one more thing that validates my commitment to staying single.

    Posted by Been there, done that August 12, 09 01:16 PM
  1. @Been There Done That:

    I was thinking of writing a detailed refutation of your posts, but instead let me sum up: Wrong.

    Posted by PD August 12, 09 02:28 PM
  1. She says "I never had good physical intimacy until I was with Stan." and now the sex is "wonderful...blah...blah...blah"

    Oh really? How did she suddenly become such a "wild" lover? From STAN, and I bet this poor guy would WISH she was a bit more exciting. He WANTED her to see the videos because I bet she is BORING in the sack. I bet you $1 million HE wouldn't say the sex was "...fabulous/exotic/..." She is jealous because these other women were more adventursome than she. So, either step up to the plate and get creative or live in the past and ruin the relationship.

    Plus, if she talks as much as she writes, I would escape to reruns too!

    Posted by SHE is the problem August 12, 09 02:53 PM
  1. These letters are starting to become boring.

    This person just wants to hear herself talk (or in this case, read her own words).

    She could have summed it up in a few sentences. Get over yourself. If you keep nagging him about it, he'll leave you.

    Simple as that. Don't make him feel bad because he took videos of himself and still has them, Who cares? God, you are annoying.

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons August 12, 09 03:15 PM
  1. These letters are starting to become boring.

    This person just wants to hear herself talk (or in this case, read her own words).

    She could have summed it up in a few sentences. Get over yourself. If you keep nagging him about it, he'll leave you.

    Simple as that. Don't make him feel bad because he took videos of himself and still has them, Who cares? God, you are annoying.

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons August 12, 09 03:17 PM
  1. These letters are starting to become boring.

    This person just wants to hear herself talk (or in this case, read her own words).

    She could have summed it up in a few sentences. Get over yourself. If you keep nagging him about it, he'll leave you.

    Simple as that. Don't make him feel bad because he took videos of himself and still has them, Who cares? God, you are annoying.

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons August 12, 09 03:18 PM
  1. I, too, have had little experience compared to my husband and it's hard to hear about his past. But Meredith is right. Put a fake smile on your face and share his memories. You run the risk of loosing a perfectly great guy because of this. Rent or buy some porn and watch it to help get over the pictures of him in your head. You may also make your intimate times with your guy more pleasurable while your at it.

    Posted by kj August 12, 09 03:35 PM
  1. AV--You and Stan need to take out the trash if you are truly committed to each other and talking about marriage and babies. He needs to throw out his old videos, which are irrelevant now to both of you. You need to throw out all your baggage surrounding your ex-husband, because what a jerk he was is irrelevant now, to both you and Stan. Those exes in the videos are not you--Stan's with you now, not them. Your ex-husband is not Stan--you're with Stan now, not your ex-husband.

    Not Hungry Anymore: Click on the blue "grilled cheese sandwiches" in AV's letter for a link to a most satisfying discussion of the topic. To summarize: GGS's have great mouth feel. "Vegans" might refuse them. Sometimes they are an appetizer, sometimes the whole meal. And, of course, the kitchen must be impeccably clean for the cook to enjoy making one for the recipient.

    Posted by cook like a pro August 12, 09 08:38 PM
  1. YouAreAllMySons is bored! Red Alert!

    Write your own. Take Meredith's job (as if).

    Write your own or go away.

    Posted by SettleDown August 12, 09 11:29 PM
  1. You have to make yourself get over it - it doesn't happen over night, and it is a struggle, but he sounds like he'd be worth it. Remember that his past is in the past for a reason - if these exes of his were truly the light of his life, he would still be with them. But he's not, he's making a life with you instead. Tell yourself that every time you find those thoughts/images invading your mind and upsetting you.

    And, very simply, create your own scrapbook/video library to replace the old! If you have tons of pictures of the two of you at various events or just hang it out, or if you have your own fun videos (WINK WINK), then those are the ones you will see, and the ones of the past will be right where they belong - in the past.

    Posted by klik August 13, 09 12:41 PM
  1. Sheesh. So many prudish comments here. You blatantly violated his privacy and he was quite magnaminous in his reaction. I love all the comments that she should have deleted the videos. Yeah, that would have really helped things. I suppose I would have grabbed her old wedding album and said "Well this relationship is over too, so you won't be needing this," and tossed it in the fireplace.

    Posted by Conine August 13, 09 04:30 PM

    Posted by Been around August 13, 09 05:46 PM
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

Ask us a question