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He is hot. I am not.

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 4, 2009 08:00 AM

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It's self-esteem Friday! Let's help this letter writer with her swagger.

Q: Good morning Meredith!

I was at a large party over the weekend and met the total package -- a smart, funny, kind guy. We talked about everything--his work, my work, our favorite things, our secret creative outlets. Lots of smiling into each others' eyes and being all, "I looooove Renaissance literature too!" I "friended" him on Facebook (and a few other great folks I met at the same event) the next night, and he immediately "friended" me back.

What's the issue? He is completely, utterly gorgeous. Chiseled-jawline-J.Crew-fall-catalog gorgeous. And I'm...well, to call me average looking would be kind (I'm not deformed or anything, but I'm definitely not bringing sexy back).

Should I wait for him to say or do something, or try to create another opportunity for awesome conversation/connection (and hope that my personality will make up for what I lack in external beauty)? Try to cultivate a friendship with the expectation that nothing could come of it? Do stunning guys ever date chicks that are less than amazing? I see homely fellows with knockouts, but I haven't encountered much of the reverse.

– Dreaming About a Smokin' Hottie, Somerville

A: DAASH, I can think of a number examples of average-looking women who date super hot guys -- but I can’t name them because they might read this and then they’d know I think they’re average looking. You see the dilemma.

But forget about them. Let’s focus on you. Why would a J. Crew-perfect guy want to date you? Because you loooove Renaissance literature -- and because you’re obviously a funny person. You’re silly and endearingly self-deprecating. I’m sure the list of reasons why you’re awesome is longer than that, but I don’t know you so you’ll have to finish it yourself.

Perfect men aren’t so perfect. I’m sure he has been rejected in the past -- we all have. And frankly, as a perfect person, he’s at a disadvantage. He has to hope that his personality lives up to his face. That’s a constant challenge for him, I’m sure.

Get your act together and acknowledge that you are better than “not deformed.” You’re average-looking with a good personality. That is awesome. Average-looking people with good personalities run the world. They’re the lives of the party -- the people you want to get to know better.

This guy could have spent time with anyone at the party and he chose you. If you haven’t already, sit down at your computer and e-mail this guy. Right now (yes, that’s an order). Tell him you’d like to chat some more over dinner. Then charm the pants off him (literally or figuratively).

Just know that no matter what he says -- whether it’s a yes or a no -- attractiveness is all about attitude and self-confidence. We all have moments of feeling ugly, fat, clumsy, or simply average, but we must overcome them. Someone’s going to date this guy. Why shouldn’t it be you?

You don't need to bring sexy back. As Prince once said, sexy never left. You've had it all along.

Readers? Can your average gal land a J. Crew guy? Can this guy be as hot as she thinks he is? Am I right to think that as a “perfect guy” he has more expectations to worry about? Any tips for boosting self-esteem? Share here. (We're taking Labor Day off, so make today count.)

– Meredith


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255 comments so far...
  1. GO FOR IT!! I've been told plenty of times that I'm pretty but I am also somewhat overweight (well, I think I am anyway) and I have never lacked for male attention. Confidence, brains and humor win in the long run.

    And the guys who only go for surface looks? Aren't the guys you want to spend any significant time with anyway.

    Good luck!!!

    Posted by ConfidentChick September 4, 09 08:20 AM
  1. I'm First!!! Ban RICO!!! and please stop these high school letters.

    Posted by first again September 4, 09 08:50 AM
  1. How did it end? Did he say, "Nice to meet you," or did he say, "Hope to see you again?" He accepted your friend request on Facebook, but you had to find him. At this point, if he's interested he'll follow up with you, I think.

    Posted by Alicia September 4, 09 08:53 AM
  1. Umm, sorry honey, that guy is GAY! I think in basketball terms, this one would be called an "AirBall". Hey, look on the bright side, he might ask you to surrogate for he and his boyfriends baby...

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 September 4, 09 08:59 AM
  1. The hottie & the nottie....
    first of all -- hot guys usually know they're hot & it can turn them into jerks... not all of 'em, some of 'em.

    onto my friend... she married the best looking guy of all our group & she is probably the plainest. she really does a lot w/ what she's got: a super-cute dresser, always getting a cute new do & wears her make-up perfectly -- not a ton, she just learned how to make the most of what she's got. she has a killer personality & a sense of humor that kills. she landed a hottie & you can to.

    Posted by polly September 4, 09 08:59 AM
  1. Just see what happens. I thought my now husband was drop dead gorgeous, too good for me, etc., when we started dating. A mutual acquaintance said to me several months later 'you know, you think you're not good enough for him, but I think he is so lucky to have you'. It's all about perspective.

    Posted by ceebeebies September 4, 09 09:02 AM
  1. DAASH,
    Girl you are Trippen! Like Mere said, he could have spent the evening talking to anyone else. But he was "WITH YOU"!
    Just email this Hottie, take a deep breath, and enjoy the moment. Go get your hair done and put on a smoken outfit, if your still worried about your looks (that always works for me). Obviously, he wasnt worried about it. Personally, I think you watch way to much TV.

    Posted by LilShorty98 September 4, 09 09:03 AM
  1. Meredith I don't know about dinner that seems 2 forward how about throwing out the coffee option casually and see if he takes the bait no harm done?

    Posted by Chris September 4, 09 09:10 AM
  1. You come across as under 25. Most guys in your age bracket are going to weigh looks heavily, if not entirely. I am not condoning it, but it is a fact. A key to any great relationship is balance between the two partners and you are already admitting balance. You really want to get the guy? Play as hard to get for as long as possible - it is your only shot. This would be a marathon by the way, not a sprint or even mid distance effort. Because honestly, if he is that good looking he is likely getting plenty of opportunities to date whomever he wants - you might as well accentuate what you do have and make it impossible for him to achieve instead of offering it right up to him like most other women would.

    Posted by spaceman September 4, 09 09:10 AM
  1. Well, I am a super hot guy and I have found greatness in what many people would call average looking girls. Your greatness comes from your intelligence, sense of humor, sexuality, and your ability to keep a great smile on as much as possible.

    Hang out with him and at the end of the night try to get naked with him. I bet it will work.

    Posted by Sexy Sexy September 4, 09 09:12 AM
  1. In general, people -- women and men -- are as sexy as they think they are. There are plenty of girls with offbeat looks who can work it, and there are plenty of knockouts who leave men cold. Go forth and score.

    Posted by stanley September 4, 09 09:14 AM
  1. Rico agrees with Meredith which in itself is rare :) Sorry Meredith :)

    Rico has some warnings for you just to be fair and to help keep your eyes open through this. Make sure he isn't looking at you as just another notch, an easy girl to keep around till he finds his "princess". Average looking girls are great, Rico loves that regular girl look. He loves a gorgeous model too and his wife is absolutely stunningly beautiful but in the past Rico dated many "average girls". Rico was tols back in the day that he had that GQ cover look and agrees with Meredith that it was hard fro his personality to live up to the look. Rico was not the best at making small talk, he was shy and unsure of himself at times. He grew out of it but still has times that he can be shy. Maybe this guy is like Rico?

    You will only know if you try. Rejection is great...And here is why:

    If you don't try then you don't get rejected. No trying, no rejection, no success either. Getting rejected means you are making an effort and as long as you are making an effort you have a chance. This is a life lesson, not just dating. You can't get a job without applying, can't get a discount on the apartment, house, car, new shoes etc...without asking. Rejection comes with the territory. Rico would rather be rejected by a supermodel than to be sitting wondering "what-if". Rico still shakes his head sometimes when he looks at his wife and wonders how he did so well. BUt guess what? Rico's wife says exactly the same thing!!!

    Rico also will add that you might be your harshest critic, consider it. Add this too, there are many guys or girls that have preferrences for certain types of girls/guys. Maybe you are his preferrence, reminds you of someone etc...The old saying you marry someone like your parents. Thankfully Rico's wife doesn't resemble his mom but her personality is similar.

    In a nutshell...GO FOR IT, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

    Love always,

    Rico

    Any updates from yesterdays writer?

    Gears not gas, enjoy the long weekend!!!

    Posted by Rico September 4, 09 09:15 AM
  1. Maybe the wonderful thing he sees in you is that you really are beautiful inside and out and you don't even realize it! The brain is the sexiest organ and in this case size does matter. Email or call him. Good luck!

    Posted by Brainiac September 4, 09 09:20 AM
  1. Beer goggles

    Posted by oops September 4, 09 09:22 AM
  1. So many comments that could get me banned...where to begin. For a guy, my simple advice is to never seriously date or marry a hot girl. They're nothing but trouble. I found me a very cute (no sexy hot) engineer with a heart of gold. A woman that can make a man say after a few dates..."I want her to be the mother of my children" is what you want. Hot is nothing but a headache.

    My wife and I have been married for 7 years, have two kids, and have a blast together and that's all because of personality. So, you women out there that are solid 7's, have a great personality, be enthusiatic and aggressive in the bedroom and above all be kind to your man. You will do just fine. To the LW I say go after the dude. What do you have to lose? My wife went after me and it worked.

    You'd be surprise how many guys out there like a woman who wears little make-up, doesn't care too much about her shoes or purse, doesn't mind getting sweaty, is very intelligent, doesn't drink like a lush with her slutty friends, etc.

    Maybe other people can comment, but I also think your intelligence has to be similar to your mate's or it will never work. A hot dumbass (either male or female) just won't cut it in the long run. My wife is a Johns Hopkins graduate and math nerd. I'll take that over a Victoria Secret model any day. But I could be in the minority.

    Posted by TR September 4, 09 09:29 AM
  1. The tone of the letter doesn't suggest that the LW has self esteem issues. She sounds more like a realist. Obviously men are attracted to physical beauty. However, a great personality can go a long way in making a woman very attractive. And any straight man who loves Renaissance literature would probably be more inclined to appreciate a woman with a beautiful mind. I say, go for it. At least if he turns you down. you won't be wondering why.

    Posted by Neil September 4, 09 09:30 AM
  1. I am going to go out on limb here, that Michael is going to say "I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and guess that you are fat?".

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 September 4, 09 09:31 AM
  1. Hey Dreaming
    I agree with Meredith- guys like confident women with attitude. So give him a call, invite him out and be your charming self.
    Oh, wait a minute, I’m not a guy and frankly I have no idea what they want. Half the time, my husband looks at me like he’s trying to figure me out, and the other half, I’m pretty sure he’s just staring at my boobs.
    So my advice part two- ask him out, DO NOT talk about wanting a long term relationship and be your charming self. Just chillax and see where the relationship goes. And wear a low-cut shirt. It can’t hurt.
    Good luck!

    Posted by Shorty September 4, 09 09:32 AM
  1. He's gay.

    Posted by Harry September 4, 09 09:33 AM
  1. The letter-writer should heed Meredith's sage advice and proceed as she would with any intriguing guy, forgetting about all the looks stuff. If she were to assume that this guy wouldn't be interested in her because she is average looking, what would that say about him? He's shallow? Hopefully he's a great guy looking for a person who is a good match for him, not just looking for arm candy.
    I am old (going on 20 years married!) and have observed a lot. It seems backwards to find someone who looks good, then see if he/she is compatible. Find someone who's right--the physical attaction will develop.

    Posted by Kathleen Marie September 4, 09 09:37 AM
  1. Hello self-esteem. While he might not be looking for a trip down the aisle, don't start out by thinking you are not pretty enough for him. Not all guys are only looking for a "hot" girlfriend. Some of us have found that to date someone who is just good looking, can be fun at first, but soon turns into a pain. Any relationship built on only one leg, will eventually fail. There is no need to rush. You should be able to get an idea about his feelings by just talking to him. Do you know if he even has a girlfriend right now?

    Posted by tomthumbs September 4, 09 09:37 AM
  1. I <3 today's LW - what a doll! Your personality will bring you far. As for the dilemma, I have definitely encountered the less than gorgeous gal dating the hunk. Usually, she was confident, outgoing, funny, and smart - a winning combo that I am sure today's LW possesses. I'm with Meredith - go for it. Besides, what do you have to lose?

    Posted by JDA September 4, 09 09:39 AM
  1. Go for it! You have absolutely nothing to lose and you sound like a great person any guy would be lucky to have. He definitely sounds interested and obviously in more than great looks. (Besides, the fascination with someone's looks is pretty short-lived). Good luck.

    Posted by Wendy September 4, 09 09:50 AM
  1. This letter writer-- insecure, over-analytical, cautious, uncertain-- sums up why men usually prefer watching 'Starship Troopers' to going on a date. You've already made me regret checking the blog today and reading this letter.

    You like someone? Ask him or her to do something, and make a move. I didn't think it was such a complicated concept to grasp. Yeesh.

    Posted by Joey September 4, 09 09:54 AM
  1. Like OMG! He he he he! Disappointing for a Friday.

    Posted by Flash September 4, 09 09:59 AM
  1. First, let me tell you what NOT to do.

    Do NOT go into the friend zone. A lot of men do this, and then complain bitterly when the woman they're interested in thinks of them as a friend. You will be wasting your time and opening the door to all kinds of disappointment if you just try to be "friends." Express your interest. There is nothing wrong with that.

    Do NOT assume you're average looking, or that he's not attracted to you. A lot of women I know think they aren't that attractive when holy moly! They're very cute. I know a lot of men who are attracted to women who you wouldn't call ugly, but you wouldn't mistake for Angelina Jolie. I have a lot of average-looking women friends who have men falling all over them. Often it's something that catches the guy's specific attention--maybe her eyes, or her face, or her smile. It's the same with women I know. And yes, chemistry has a lot to do with it, as does confidence (not to be confused with arrogance).

    Do NOT tell yourself that you're unattractive or "just average." That will mess with your head when/if you and this guy start dating or when you start dating anyone. It will open the door to all kinds of insecurity and often unwarranted jealousy. (And if it's warranted--if someone's boyfriend/girlfriend is creeping on them, they're slags who are not worth keeping around.) Also, looks are like money--if that's all that anyone has to offer, they don't bring much to the table. We all get old and homely. We can always work and make money. What do you bring to the table? And--what's HE bringing to the table?

    Now for the do's:

    DO express your interest. Why wouldn't he say yes?

    DO make sure that you look past his hotness, especially if you start dating. (Men and women don't do this with disasterous results.) Is he genuine? Do you truly click? Is he funny? Smart? Level-headed? Respectful? Does he actually have the qualities you want in a boyfriend? Is he someone you like but aren't that into at the end of the day? Is he someone that you can't wait to see and talk with? If he wasn't as good looking, would you be okay with his personality or the things he does? (Again, I know men and women who don't think about these things, and have put up with atrocious behavior from hotties because they weren't thinking with their heads.)

    DO make sure you keep up your friendships and interests. Really ENGAGE with them--don't use them as placeholders. See the letter from the woman who wanted her boyfriend around more--it's a good policy to NOT fall into that trap, no matter what.

    And if he's not interested--DO put yourself out there more. Meet more men. Date a lot. You'll find that a lot of men will find you attractive.

    Posted by PM September 4, 09 10:02 AM
  1. I read an article recently that 60% of American men think they are sexy (the other 40% must have mirrors). It's all attitude, baby. Get some!

    Posted by Go with your bad self! September 4, 09 10:03 AM
  1. Completely agree with Mer! I, too, know super hot guys with average-looking girlfriends. It really does come down to personality in the end. I've met hot guys who suddenly became a complete turn-off because of their personality. So be happy you met a hot guy who seems to have a great personality!

    And what is the worst that can happen if you ask him out? You get rejected by someone you barely know, and then move on to the next great guy out there. Don't sweat it. And don't bother with just trying to be friends if you really want more. Life is too short (and you don't want to end up in the friend category)!

    Posted by Linny September 4, 09 10:03 AM
  1. I dated one of those chiseled good looking men, who like your new crush, was sweet and funny and actually seemed to like me (and he did, distance was the reason it never went past casual dating and now a good, kind friendship). I asked him how he just didn't seem to know that he was as good looking as he was, I mean, women would hit on him while I was sitting with him at the bar... and he showed me some childhood pictures, a chubby - to - fat kid, with thick glasses, braces for a time and a ton of 70s plaid... he said that he knew he looked better now, but talked about how hard it had been to be him growing up, just because he wasn't cute or skinny or athletic and how hard he had had to work to get to be who he is today and knows from his own experience that looks aren't all they're cracked up to be and he'd rather have a partner that he loved being with... and he made me feel more beautiful than anyone before or since, because that's what he truly believed. so, maybe i wasn't as plain as i thought or maybe the joy of great conversation, intimacy and a good time together made me more beautiful than a vacuous good looking body sitting on a bar stool pouting that she wasn't having more fun. it's all about perspective.

    Posted by sibdee September 4, 09 10:03 AM
  1. If you think you're not good enough for him, lookswise or other, he's going to start believing you. Confidence will get you far.

    Posted by SM1231 September 4, 09 10:03 AM
  1. Invite him over and answer the door in a whipped cream bikini. Ask him if he's interested in a tasteful relationship....

    Posted by Bustoff September 4, 09 10:04 AM
  1. Honestly... it depends on age. If the guy is older, chances are he's seen and done it all with the smokeshow chicks and just hasn't connected with them. Maybe he's finally looking for the real thing with someone he can talk to.

    If he's younger, you'll have to try harder (sorry). He might just see you as a potential friend and nothing more, but if you guys get close enough, he'll care less and less that you look like "plain Jane" (not to be mean or anything, I'm just trying to generalize enough so that this can apply to a lot of people).

    Posted by Not a J Crew model September 4, 09 10:04 AM
  1. I agree with Mer! Email him, Message him, Poke him, Send him a facebook IM -- get in touch with him however (if he hasn't already done so with you). If he's that good looking, I'm sure he's had his fair share of girlfriends. They were all probably knockouts but you know what? They probably had no idea what Renaissance literature is and couldn't hold a stimulating conversation. I'm not totally bashing knockouts, but it is very few and far between that you find a gorgeous girl with an equally amazing intellect and personality (...it's the same thing with guys, usually the really good looking ones tend to be too caught up in their gym schedule and hair gel to hold a conversation... so don't let this rare catch go!) Maybe he is sick of dating those kinds of girls and is ready for an average looking girl with a knockout personality. Self confidence is the sexiest thing so get some (...get A LOT) and charm his pants off (literally AND figuratively)!


    I think Rico will agree!

    Posted by realllllly? September 4, 09 10:05 AM
  1. Yikes, I don't think I'd follow Meredith's advice on this one. Keep in touch with him and see what happens. If he likes you, he'll ask you out. Plain and simple.

    Posted by Ashlyn September 4, 09 10:06 AM
  1. Somerville self esteem

    I have been told many times that I am attractive, and for whatever reason, I am completely drawn to average looking girls. I obviously find attractive girls hot, but when it comes to dating, hanging out, and common interests average looking girls are much more down to earth, hence the attraction.

    Go for it

    Posted by childishman September 4, 09 10:07 AM
  1. A lot of these so called "gorgeous" guys are just insecure momma's boys. They would love to date a fat chick to help them feel better about themselves. Besides us guys all know what fat chicks are REALLY good at anyway. But even if he does go on a date with you, be prepared for all the cliche excuses about why you two never really go out in public.

    Hit a gym, lose the weight, lay off the ice cream, quit whining, get some self esteem and quit looking externally for the stimulus needed to love yourself just the way you are!!

    Posted by Michael September 4, 09 10:08 AM
  1. Meredith's advice is spot on.

    I have a couple of magazine-gorgeous boyfriends in my past. They weren't any more or less happy, secure, passionate, etc. than anyone else. They were just regular people.

    And this guy may be tired of being "chosen" for his looks. (We women know all about that, don't we?) Nobody really wants to be arm candy for someone else. It's flattering at first. By your late 20s it starts to feel demeaning.

    So keep up the connection based on mutual interests. Sounds like you could invite him to a play or concert.

    But I'd worry about the love of Renaissance lit... I took a whole semester of Edmund Spenser in college and it was slow torture.... (Just kidding!)

    Go girl!

    Posted by TallGirl September 4, 09 10:12 AM
  1. DAASH - I don't know how old you are, or how much dating experience you have. When I was 18, close to 19, I had a boyfriend who was a model in Boston. He was the epitome of tall, dark and handsome, and sooooo cool and confident. I am usually told by people that I am "attractive, cute and funny", but I am not Cindy Crawford. Sometimes I felt out of place when waitresses would openly flirt with him, etc. and I honestly never felt worthy of being with him. Now, though,many years and boyfriends later, I would just enjoy every minute. Older and wiser!

    If you feel comfortable, do as Meredith says and ask him out. You never know what may happen. And it's early on after meeting him, so don't have big expectations. Que sera sera.

    Posted by Trueblue22 September 4, 09 10:13 AM
  1. I have to side with Dudekidguy.....I think he plays for the other team. Good dresser, there by himself, into renaissance Literaure and facebook = gay. BTW, I agree with #15. I married a super hot chick and it is hell to try to keep up with her. Attention from guys everywhere she goes and that built-in feeling of entitlement wears me out. Beautiful wife = miserable life. So careful what you wish for.....

    Posted by TD September 4, 09 10:14 AM
  1. And the downside of you trying to get to know this guy better would be ???? If not you, who? If not now, when?

    Go get it.

    BTW, I would prefer coffee over dinner, just in case, unless he suggests otherwise.

    Posted by Darwin September 4, 09 10:15 AM
  1. Hold your head up high, love who you are now and then get to work improving what you've got. If you feel that you are not attractive, why is that? The reason why fashion and cosmetics is a multi-billion dollar global business is because the smoke and mirrors work wonders. Ever wonder why someone you think is not so hot has all the attention? It's confidence plus the right props. Ask an honest friend who has solid fashion sense to help you. Find clothes that compliment you, that you feel comfortable in, that reveal some skin. Play up your best physical asset. We all have at least one. Sometimes even two! A great outfit and beautiful make-up along with your already present intelligence and wit will blow not only him, but anyone else you like out of the water. Love what God has already given you to work with : )

    Posted by Rooting for u September 4, 09 10:16 AM
  1. Sometimes good looking guys date sub-par girls, because we know they will *try harder* and rarely *say No*. While having arm-candy is nice, it is nicer to have someone who replies "you want to put what, where? well... OK, why not!". Chunky Chicks were fun like that back in college.

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 September 4, 09 10:16 AM
  1. I too fear that he might be gay. I met a lot of these guys in grad school. Some of them weren't out yet. Sadly, in most cases a gorgeous man with an average-looking woman means that he's gay; a gorgeous woman with an average-looking man means that he has a lot of money. Nobody wins, and everyone is miserable. Have a nice weekend.

    Posted by Reality check September 4, 09 10:17 AM
  1. Tell him you desire him and give off irresistible vibes that will entice him to sleep with you.....then take it slow

    Posted by yeabut-whatever September 4, 09 10:18 AM
  1. He will take advantage of you because he KNOWS he's hot and you're not. Hot men will often prey on an insecure NOT hot woman or a FAT woman because they know she'll put out because she is so impressed with them and thrilled that they're paying attention to her.

    Be careful.

    Posted by shecky28 September 4, 09 10:19 AM
  1. Didn't you ever hear the song "never make a pretty woman your wife"?

    Personally, I think this is an overanalytical response to a simple question. If you are attracted to him, like him, want to see if this goes anywhere, the "make contact" however people do that now. Everyone has a chance. Attraction isn't just about looks.

    Well, letter writer, I am your gal. I am not all that attractive, but my husband is very handsome (yes, I have outside confirmation for that). 18 years and counting.

    Posted by ash September 4, 09 10:21 AM
  1. 1. As a good looking guy, I'll share an old adage once shared with me.....

    Pretty girls do what they want, ugly girls do "EVERYTHING".

    Nothing better than releasing the pent up sexual frustrations of an average looking girl. Tomcats in the sack.

    2. I find almost all women attractive. Somedays I want the skinny model, other days I want a full figured woman. Sometimes younger, sometimes older.

    I'm a fan of the form...what can I say.

    Posted by BenjaminH September 4, 09 10:21 AM
  1. What is that song... "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife..."

    Just be yourself and rest assured that there are plenty of men who aren't completely shallow. And since most of us women have self-esteem issues, I'd be willing to bet you're better looking than you think you are. :)

    As for getting in touch w/ him, you already made the first move by friending him. But, if you haven't already, maybe just a little "it was great to meet you" note on his page. Other than that, I think you should just approach him the same way you would approach any "normal" looking guy. GoodulUck!

    Posted by pumpkinali September 4, 09 10:22 AM
  1. At this point, you have nothing to lose. Email about getting coffee. If he says yes, don't make it the very next day, make him wait a little.

    There are 2 types of smoking hot guys:
    1. The man-whores you know they are hot and screw everything in sight
    2. The ones who don't really know it and can be down to earth guys.

    (the majority, I have found, are #1s) But, maybe your guy has moved passed the tail-chasing days to wanting something real. We can dream. As for the posters about wanting a 7 and loving her for her personality...

    I must say that looks matters very little in the long run. I am 20 and have figured this out. Most guys figure this out, too, eventually. It sounds like you two really connected. I am sure the feeling is mutual. Go for it!

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! September 4, 09 10:24 AM
  1. I find it to be exceptionally common that average looking ladies are hand in hand with beautiful men. My first thoughts are always either 'Well, she must have a great personality...' or 'She must be great in bed...' There's been so many times I've wanted to walk up and question such a couple to help put my curiosities to rest; sometimes it just confuses me to high hell how some of these unions came to be. Though in the end, it's simply no secret that confidence and intelligence is what manifests an average looker into someone irresistible. Even in your letter you made me laugh...a down to earth funny lady is a catch. Do you not care more for if the other in a relationship can make you laugh and hold a conversation rather than just a pretty face/body? Don't get me wrong, you got to have something to work with...Guys are the same to some extent...and I mean men not boys. The point was already made - someones going to date this guy..get to emailing...

    Posted by Rossia September 4, 09 10:27 AM
  1. Go for it... listen to Meredith and ask him out on a date (not coffee or lunch, or you'll be destined to the friend zone).

    Posted by EM September 4, 09 10:28 AM
  1. I am offically fed up with people claiming women only go after money. SO NOT TRUE!!! Especially in this day when most women are completely indepedent financially. I plan to NEVER have to be dependent on anyone.

    That being said, I am constantly told that I am better looking than my boyfriend. And guess what? I am not dating him for his money. He is kind, caring, understanding, loving, and simply a good person. We have so much fun together and that has nothing to do with our looks. Cut the crap.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! September 4, 09 10:28 AM
  1. #2: nothing more high school than your stupid "I'm first". What a tool.
    #9: more like it.

    Best thing to do is suck it up and act normal if you can, and act like he is just a regular guy, because guess what...he is. Sure, one date and he's gorgeous, but write back when he starts farting and leaving his socks around. If you focus on his looks and your own imperfections, you will come across as desperate, like you won the lottery and don't deserve him. And if you think you don't deserve him....you don't! Really, that simple, so get over the looks and be proud of yourself and your accomplishments and interests and just see what happens. Slow down! Stand your ground. You sound smart and active and fun. A healthy, active lifestyle ages better than superficial "gorgeous". Finally, there are plenty of guys out there who don't buy into the Hollywood standard of hot. Sure, "real" attractive women are one thing, but phony, over-sized, over made up, and fragile stick figures are a bore.

    Posted by average guy September 4, 09 10:29 AM
  1. Dreaming, you may be way out of your league - BUT here's the great equalizer: gorgeous chicks don't put out as much as homely ones. So by being a tiger in bed and by being really adventurous (willing to try ANYTHING) and insatiable will let you leapfrog all those nubile blonde ladies. Get it? So stock up on your Victoria Secret things, and go for it. No man (even a J Crew model) will be able to resist you!

    You are welcome.

    Posted by Lance Romance September 4, 09 10:29 AM
  1. Gilled Cheese him, that'll win him over. If you're completely out of his league he may eventually realize it and cheat instead of admitting he's shallow and ending it, it sucks but looks do kind of matter in the long run.

    Posted by jt September 4, 09 10:30 AM
  1. Wait Wait WAIT!! Just because a "hot" guy is showing some interest in an "average" girl, it makes him gay?? oh my goodness, no wonder this girl and women in general have self esteem issues. He may be goodlooking but I am sure he has his own insecurities. Maybe he is sick of the model girlfriends with dung for brains and want a girl with a little bit of curve and a lot of conversation...will somebody give a guy with good looks a little credit once in a while???

    Posted by Judgenot September 4, 09 10:31 AM
  1. E-mail him because you have nothing to lose, and I know plenty guys who thinks it is hot when a girl is aggressive.

    At the same time, be careful. I made the first move with a hot guy (and i'm a hot girl!), and we actually were dating for about a month. BUT he was just never really that into me (which is fine), but it made me realize later that if he was into me from the begining, he would have made the first move.

    Still, you have nothing to lose, so just do it!

    Posted by Kristen September 4, 09 10:33 AM
  1. Men are rather simple. They are attracted to women who pay attention to them and make them feel "special." As a result, almost any women can land almost any man she tilts her cap towards. The reverse, of course, is not true. To paraphrase Chris Rock, no man has ever refused to sleep with a women because she doesn't earn enough.

    Posted by Greg B September 4, 09 10:35 AM
  1. "Guys" like hotties in theory, sure, but men really like the total package. There is rarely one thing that is a make-or-break thing for attraction with a man, despite what popular culture may insinuate. If you are funny, enthusiastic, not a pain-in-the-ass, sexy (which has nothing to do with whether you are a "hottie"), interesting to talk to, etc. etc. etc., of course he may want to date you.

    And of course, besides his Apollonian exterior, you might bore of him too.

    So be fearless and let come what may.

    Posted by Bob September 4, 09 10:35 AM
  1. #33 you said it girl!!! happy belated birthday!

    hey somerville don't be afraid to take a hottie from the pack. you have nothing to lose! there's nothing sexier than a woman taking charge.....how many men could disagree with that? probably none.

    re-charge your batteries then get to work girl! don't listen to the advice from the insecure homophobic jerks, who are the men that comment on this blog.

    Posted by itsahairflip September 4, 09 10:35 AM
  1. Honestly, if your that worried just wait to see if he contacts you. There are alot of guys out there that aren't scumbags believe it or not. Just go with the flow :)

    Posted by xooheavenly September 4, 09 10:36 AM
  1. Meredith is right - allow yourself to feel confident, and let your personality show through.

    Posted by Terminater5 September 4, 09 10:37 AM
  1. And as others have stated: Definitely make sure dude's not Gay...That happens at unfortunate times..but hey! He'll make a FABULOUS best friend:)

    Posted by Rossia September 4, 09 10:37 AM
  1. Speaking as the average-looking guy who married the drop-dead gorgeous, smoking hot blond, you're an idiot if you don't even try.

    Posted by Monty September 4, 09 10:38 AM
  1. BAN RICO!!!

    Why are so many young women today this mentally unstable? No wonder so many men turn out gay.

    Keep dreaming, dear, he doesn't want to date a whacko.

    BAN RICO!!!

    Posted by Chloe-OBrien September 4, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Be leader of your own life.

    End. Of. Story.

    Posted by EastCoastGirl September 4, 09 10:39 AM
  1. If this guys "loooooves" anything, it's other men.

    Posted by the realist September 4, 09 10:40 AM
  1. He may or may NOT be gay. I know of two marriages where the husband is (was) super handsome and the wife borderline homely. One couple has five children and have been married for 30+ years and the other has two children and have been married for 10+ years. Both couples are devoted to each other and their families. Men, at some point when they mature, begin to think in terms of who would make the best spouse and who would be a great mother. As the saying goes-"Looks aren't everything." I advise to take it slow and "let nature take its' course."

    Posted by Ashmont September 4, 09 10:43 AM
  1. Go for it! If not dinner, then at least coffee. It sounds like you had a definite spark when you met - that's more important than being equally attractive.
    Lots of times people are stamped as attractive or not based on first impressions. Think about the "hot girls" from high school - were they actually the best looking people in school, or were they somewhat attractive girls in the right clothes with great hair and popular friends?
    Once you really get to know someone, those first impressions fade away. You replace them with an appreciation of a great sense of humor, how cute he is to his mom and sister, or that she has beautiful eyes. The individual pieces of a person are always the most important.
    Just a suggestion - read "Something Borrowed" by Emily Griffin...its a great, fun book that may give you a different perspective on this situation.


    Posted by LBC September 4, 09 10:43 AM
  1. After a few years of couple therapy and later(when we didn't work it out), individual therapy, my therapist finally said in exasperation, "Do you realize you were attracted to a man who looked and acted like your father?" I screamed, "What? Oh no!" After all those years, I had not seen it although all of the obvious signs were there. Thinking upon the newly announced revelation, I realized almost all of my previous boyfriends had many similar physical and behavioral characteristics. This upset me so badly, that I remained abstinent for more years than I care or dare to say. However, a year ago, in walked a man into a conference that I was attending, and "bing" I felt a powerful attraction. You can probably guess the rest; we are currently a companionable couple.

    End result? I now know I will probably always be attracted to a man similar to my father. The therapist said I was trying to recreate history and achieve a happier relationship than the one I had with my father.

    My father (and my new man) have charisma, charm and good looks. Both are complex, charming, and highly emotional. While we have not decided where it all leads, we do know we have a strong connection. This is fine with me because didn't you also guess my father never bonded with me in a securely attached way? Therefore, the confidences I share with my lovi are more than I could have hoped. this is as much as either of us can handle at this time. While my initial dilemma is not solved, at least it has become identified.

    Posted by barbie September 4, 09 10:46 AM
  1. LW..Go for it!!! Mer was right, this guy already chose to spend a lot of time at that party with YOU. A lot of time that he could have spent roaming the room, looking for the hottest thing he could find, he spent talking and laughing with you. That has got to make you feel pretty good, right? Being beautiful isnt going to keep the right guy around you for the long haul, your wonderful personality is. When a decent guy meets a beautiful girl, all that beauty tends to be forgotten if he finds out shes a little less than stellar when it comes to brains/heart/honesty/etc. That being said, contact this guy!! You've got nothing to lose at this point,and when you feel a great connection like that it is Always worth the risk. Also, I'd be willing to bet that if he spent most of the night at a party talking to you, he thinks of you as a little bit better than "not deformed". Go get him!!

    Posted by bluedaisy September 4, 09 10:46 AM
  1. I tend to go for tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed men of Irish or Polish descent. My sister does it too, and when we figured it out, we were kinda grossed out by it since our dad is tall with dark hair, blue eyes, and - you guessed it! - of Irish/Polish descent.

    Posted by noelia September 4, 09 10:47 AM
  1. How's your tush? He could be an @$$ man like me.

    Posted by @$$man September 4, 09 10:48 AM
  1. Two Words- Put Out.

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley September 4, 09 10:49 AM
  1. DAASH clearly hasn't seen any chick flicks where the geeky girl beats out the hotsy-totsy for the Dream Boy. Never Been Kissed? Bridget Jones Diary? Come on, muchacha.

    In my own experience, I'm often attracted to someone even when my friends can't figure out why. I go for dorky. I go for glasses. I go for "happy in their own skin," even if that skin isn't always beautiful.

    Best case scenario: Mr. Renaissance Hottie loves your literary-girl-next door vibe, you poke him, he pokes back, you embark on a fulfilling relationship and ride off into the sunset.
    Worst case scenario: Mr. Renaissance Hottie is a manipulator preying on your perceived lack of self-confidence to get sex, a cover for his homosexuality, or some other nefariousness. To determine if this is the case, keep your eyes and ears open, proceed with confidence (confident people are too much work to manipulate so he'll probably drop off the trail if he perceives a little swagger), and relish the fact that for at least one night, YOU had the Brad Pitt of the Party making googly eyes at you.

    Viva!

    Posted by Fievel September 4, 09 10:49 AM
  1. Same thing happened to me...GORGEOUS!!!! And he literally had to throw himself at me because I didn't pick up on ANY of his advances, because, in my mind, what the heck would a guy like that want with a girl like me? We had a really fun relationship, but every time I looked at him, I really felt inadequate, especially when other women were checking him out. It ended up being a feeling I couldn't shake and I ended it with him. That was when I was in my twenties. Lesson learned was I probably should've been more confident, but that was just a little too insurmountable a task for my silly twenty year old self. Looks fade, believe me, they always do, but have confidence in yourself, your smile and your intelligence; those don't fade.

    Posted by big dummy September 4, 09 10:49 AM
  1. Kudos to "Sleepwalker". IIt's when you 'don't give a damn' anymore what people think that your attractive meter starts hitting the high marks. This is what has happened to me. There's a fine line between confident and cocky. I won't even talk to a cocky guy, no matter how good looking he is.

    Posted by Davina September 4, 09 10:51 AM
  1. To the people with the "he's gay" comments: you're just jealous...

    To the LW: Go for it. I like the gist what Rico posted today (except for the part about dissing Mere's advice. You diss Mere you diss me!). The worst that will happen is that you'll get rejected, and everyone gets rejected some times.

    Posted by bns September 4, 09 10:52 AM
  1. Sometimes these letter writers can answer their own questions -
    - First, YES - gorgeous guys date hot girls
    - Second, the reverse is possible due to MONEY
    Thank you

    Posted by josh September 4, 09 10:52 AM
  1. it's all about the grilled cheese

    Posted by :) September 4, 09 10:52 AM
  1. Wow, some of these comments are so immature, especially dudeguy, grow up. What DAASH perceives as a hottie may not be a hottie in someone elses opinion and even if he is "hot" that doesn't mean he is gay. And what the hell is a "sub par" women ? I have learned that most good looking men are full of themselves and not much fun to be around. But there are some that are intersting, kind and fun and it seems DAASH has met one and should pursue a relationship based on then fact that they have a lot in common. It's okay to be average, most people are, and the ones that THINK they are above average usually aren't.

    Posted by trublusu September 4, 09 10:55 AM
  1. LW, I have been told that I am very attractive, the J Crew type, funny, personable and smart. Good job. It is really nice to hear. (But when ever you put something on a pedestal, it falls and breaks so don't do that.)

    On with the story. When I used to date, my girlfriends were of the very hot variety, in fact my father came to me one day and said "Don't stop bringing home the hot girls, You seem to find them all!" (Thanks Dad!)

    My wife is the cutest, funniest person I know, she also has the largest heart and it makes her the greatest person I will ever know. She and I both know that she wont get the cover on Maxim Magizine, and that will never be a disappointment. But she accentuates her positives beatifully. I am truly lucky in love with my wife, and will always be, because our relationship is based on so many thing of substance not surface.

    I don't know how, when or why I changed from uber hot to uber right, but I am certainly better for it. If he is worth your gifts, he will be the fortunate one in his eyes. You are required to put yourself out there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

    Posted by BlameMe September 4, 09 10:57 AM
  1. Niacin flush ? maybe cold pack of hot ice.hot flashes, sweating,blocked pores,heat rash?The DIM, zinc, low level copper lowers estradiol levels & that helps with the night sweats.

    Posted by Dr.Oofana September 4, 09 10:58 AM
  1. Dear LW and Everyone:

    I have found that the 6’s and 7’s of the world who go all out and act like their 10’s are so attractive and interesting to me! It makes me and others take a second look to see why they act like they’re 10’s! It forces people to look deeper than the shallow perusal we’re accustomed to – scanning quickly and making inane assumptions.

    So to all of us, no matter where you or others may put you on a shallow scale, go out this weekend and act like you’re 10’s! People will start following you around and try to ascertain where all of this self-confidence comes from. It’s at that point that they will take the time to discover you’re both BoSox fans, love doggies, love whatever you have in common – or for that matter, happily discover the wonderful differences between you! Self-confidence is very attractive; we’re so used to people with low self-esteem writing in to our beloved Meredith.

    I’m not suggesting “fake it ‘till you make it”; no, not at all. If you’re a dog-gone basket case pretending to be a 10, then it won’t take long at all for people to discover you’re a fake. However, for all of us fairly sane folks, just give it a try and you’ll see people really looking into your eyes to see what makes you tick.

    PS: what is with all the high-schoolers aiming to be “first” posting? You should be posting on TMZ.com, not here.

    PSS: if you can’t play nicely here, then go away. Rico haters and others just being mean to other’s comments should go away. If you don’t have something constructive to say about the LW’s probs and merely bash other posters, then your comments are worthless.

    PSS: Have a super wicked weekend! And no drinking and driving, please!

    Posted by JeffreyInMalibu September 4, 09 10:58 AM
  1. ummmmm......homely guys with knockouts=the guy is rich. wake up.
    It doesnt work in reverse.

    Sounds harsh but I'm less than average myself- thats life.

    Posted by SalsaKing September 4, 09 10:58 AM
  1. It's called CONFIDENCE, girl. Now go out and get some. If you have confidence and play it off like you have something he is going to want, then he is going to want it. It works 99.9% of the time. I can't guarantee it, but I know from personal experience that it works. Here's another phrase that works, "if you got it, flaunt it" and I'm not talking about your boobs. Show him that you're funny, or that you have a sexy voice, or that you have gorgeouse eyes. Whatever it is about you that YOU love, you should flaunt. It works...and it give your confidence.

    Posted by Shelly September 4, 09 10:58 AM
  1. A lot of beautiful people have trouble getting dates because everyone thinks they wouldn't be interested in someone like them. Take your confidence in both hands and send him an e-mail.

    Even if he turns out not to have any romantic interest in you, he sounds like he could be an awesome friend, so you win either way.

    Posted by Corylea September 4, 09 11:00 AM
  1. Tall Girl- Worst advice ever. Sorry just my opinion. My wife has a very average looking girlfriend who always talks up her boyfriends. Every guy she has dated has been the best looking guy in the bar.. Her last boyfriend was an uglier version of Larry Bird.. No guy is ever tired of being chosen for his looks.. Wow that the most out of touch statement I've every read on this board.

    Posted by Paul from Wellesley September 4, 09 11:00 AM
  1. go for it! Looks can fade eventually; what endures is a sense of humor, intelligence, compassion, shared interests, etc. And don't you want a guy who is attracted to those things, rather than just the surface treatment?

    Posted by Not yesterday's Miss M September 4, 09 11:01 AM
  1. TD makes some good points, speaking from experience. I don't even think about whether my mate and I are "mismatched" in terms of attractiveness. But I absolutely see/hear that reaction from other people, esp. people who have just met us, and it can be annoying to both of us. And, yes, I think it's probably a hassle to my mate especially to be seen as the more average one at first (which couldn't be further from the truth when the surface is scratched. I'm the "lucky" one).

    Posted by local September 4, 09 11:02 AM
  1. This guy might be really disappointed to realize that that great, well-read girl he met isn't calling him because she listened to certain people here and believes that any attractive guy who dates an average-looking girl is either gay or holding out for someone prettier. (Lots of eye-rolling going on at that one.)

    I have a few stunning, interesting, kind friends, and not a one of them doesn't have some insecurity that gives them the same sort of doubts you're having. You're worrying that you're not attractive enough; they're worrying that they couldn't keep up with the conversation, said something awkward, couldn't think of *anything* to say, had something in their teeth, had a pimple, etc.

    The point is - for all you know, this guy is a little shy too, and wondering whether he stands a chance with you. Very few people, gorgeous or not, wouldn't be happy to have someone they hit it off with call them up and say "I like you and I'd love to get together again." Get a manicure, a new outfit, great pair of earrings, whatever - just take pleasure in treating yourself well. Then call him up for another great conversation and see where it goes!

    Posted by Lala September 4, 09 11:03 AM
  1. Bearing in mind that there is a 50% chance that this male hottie is gay
    ( which leaves a 25/25 split that he's either bi or straight ) I'd say:
    Invite him to join you at King Richard's Faire for a day.

    The Renaissance theme should be entertaining for both of you and, while you're there, watch where his eyes roam. If he stares at the abundant cleavage sported by wenches of the realm, chances are good that he's straight. If he prefers to let his eyeballs linger on the supple backsides of young men in velvet tights, then he may not be the one for you.

    Be brave! Don't wait too long. Ask him out and see what happens. Good luck!

    Posted by Mari September 4, 09 11:07 AM
  1. Hate to break it to you but the only way you are gonna get together again is if you guarantee sex with no strings attached...Guys dont want to go down levels for a girlfriend, they want to step up and feel as if they are dating out of THEIR league....unless you are rich and awesome in bed.

    Posted by Jim Bob Duggar and my horrible 19 kids. September 4, 09 11:08 AM
  1. I think 1 of 2 things is going on here,
    1 - He is gay but doesn't quite know it yet.
    2 - He thinks you may be "easy" because your face could stop a clock.

    Not good for you anyway - stick with your own type and be happy.

    Posted by joemac22 September 4, 09 11:10 AM
  1. #60 I agree, itsahairflip! don't listen to the jerks that post on here DAASH...

    Posted by realllllly? September 4, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Speaking for myself, I rarely (now or when I was younger) see men whom I think are "hot" on looks alone. Sure, some men are handsome at first glance, some have really nice bodies at first glance, some are classy at first glance -- but sexually attractive? Not until I've talked to them. Not now, NOT EVER. But given that, chemistry is definitely possible. Know to look below the surface to find...

    Posted by Maria September 4, 09 11:12 AM
  1. Beauty fades, stupid (or smarts) are forever.

    Posted by KCinCA September 4, 09 11:13 AM
  1. Hell, I feel very connected to you. It blows my mind actually. I read your and almost freaked out (in a good way).
    Our situation is very tragic: how do we break from the paths that consistently yield unsatisfactory results? Perhaps we try odd new ideas like The Experience Project, eh? Perhaps in such a forum, where we meet others on the basis of the experiences they relate...perhaps such a place is one of the first real possibilities online for finding others who we REALLY connect with.

    Posted by Liferiot September 4, 09 11:17 AM
  1. Email him on FB and tell him that it was great to talk with him the other night and you would like to meet up for coffee some time if he is available. Keep it casual. Just do it! What's the worst that can happen? Challenge yourself and you may be surprised by the outcome. He chose to talk to YOU that night.

    And, work on your self esteem! You have a great sense of humor and I bet you are better looking than you think. Also, a great outfit, good haircut, and some makeup go a long way.

    Good luck!

    Posted by WWJudgeJudyD September 4, 09 11:19 AM
  1. Sounds to me like he is gay. Just saying. What she's saying is sad but true; most knockout guys don't even talk to average looking girls unless they're gay. Just saying.

    Posted by Pro homo September 4, 09 11:20 AM
  1. Maria,
    I was on that same hampster wheel for a very long time, churning lovers who always turned out to be "not quite what I had in mind" until one day I realized - they were great - I was the problem. Bravo on your post! war forever or else I will move to alaska where ol'palin is ole....or ny teens!

    Posted by Mario September 4, 09 11:20 AM
  1. Maria,
    I was on that same hampster wheel for a very long time, churning lovers who always turned out to be "not quite what I had in mind" until one day I realized - they were great - I was the problem. Bravo on your post! war forever or else I will move to alaska where ol'palin is ole....or ny teens!

    Posted by Mario September 4, 09 11:21 AM
  1. The only people who look average are the ones who let themselves look average. I know there is a gorgeous woman somewhere inside of you. The truth is, that a person with a great personality and absolute confidence in themselves is the most radiant person in the room, and every guy will be drawn to that.

    When I was in high school, I didn't think very much of my looks, and didn't do very well with guys. I was more cerebral than superficial. But as I've gotten older and more comfortable in my own skin, I've learned the value of just a LITTLE bit of superficiality. And it's not even superficial, it's just about learning to take pride in your appearance, and learning to play up your best features, to give you that extra boost of confidence. I didn't realize the way I dressed and carried myself sent off the signal - "I don't care about me and neither should you."

    Know that you are very worthy of love and respect. And let it show in how you take care of yourself, how you dress yourself, put on makeup. Ask a trusted friend what your best feature is and learn how to highlight it. Wear clothes that make you feel exciting, sexy, worthy. But don't forget your awesome personality and brains. That's your real substance. The good looks will just be icing on the cake.

    I really don't believe that anyone has to look just average. If you google celebrities without their makeup you can see that a lot of them are also just average. So know that you are always capable of looking amazing. I was average in high school, but now I know I clean up pretty good. And I'm not exactly Gisele, here. But I'm fine with that, and my man is even better looking than Tom Brady (in my opinion. But I love him for his inner studliness too. It really does show up on the outside).

    Also, I'm not sure I agree with Meredith on emailing this guy right away. I would wait to let things grow a little before I made a move. But what do I know, I'm not the one with the column.

    Posted by sometimes September 4, 09 11:22 AM
  1. Oh honey, please. Go for the gold - you deserve it. This is a long weekend... Email him on fb and see what he's up to - maybe you'll get an invite to a BBQ or something. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

    Cats not Dogs

    Ignore Rico

    Posted by Rica September 4, 09 11:23 AM
  1. Initial attraction is only part of the story. That's not how people actually fall in love - it's only what might make them go on a date.

    There is a whole new line of research into the science of love. It shows that people fall in love with partners who's microexpressions mirror the microexpressions of their first caregiver - their first experience of love. Usually, but not always, this is mom.

    So it's not your body, it's not your hair, it's not your overall physical appearance or hottness rating. It's the subtle way your eyes crinkle up when you smile. It's the fleeting emotions that cross your face as he gazes into it. It's completely subconscious. The face has hundreds of tiny muscles. It is through our facial expressions that our limbic system talks to our partner's limbic system. If you have limbic resonance - if your microexpressions mimic his first caregiver's and vice versa - you fall in love.

    It sounds to me like your first meeting was one with lots of limbic resonance - all that smiling into each other's eyes - so what are you waiting for??? Go for it, girl!

    Posted by anecdotal evidence September 4, 09 11:25 AM
  1. I'm a handsome guy (different girls have told me I look like either Tom Brady or Matt Damon) and I have what I think is an interesting take on this situation. I am a nice guy, and I will talk to just about anyone at a bar or party. In high school, I was in a lot of the same classes as an overweight girl, and I used to talk to her occasionally. Well, about a month after high school I got a letter in the mail from her, and part of it read "You could have had anyone, but you chose me." I have no idea where this came from, but obviously she was delusional and thought in her head we were dating! Another experience happened at a club one Friday night. I was talking to this "nottie" and just making conversation, and by the end of the conversation she was inviting me to go to a wedding with her the next Saturday. I told her it wasn't going to happen, but as I was opening the door to my place that night my phone was ringing. I rushed in to answer it and it was her. The only problem is, I had never given my number to her. She must have gone home, looked me up, and called me at 1am. I guess my point is that you may be thinking on a whole other level than this "hot guy" who may turn out to have been just being a "nice guy" too. Don't be shocked if he isn't interested, but for your sake I truly hope he is. By the way, I ended up marrying a woman who many wouldn't consider gorgeous, but she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am so lucky to have found her.

    Posted by HotNiceGuy September 4, 09 11:26 AM
  1. Judgenot is so right.....if that were true then half the men in the world would be gay!

    Posted by xooheavenly September 4, 09 11:28 AM
  1. You met him at the Renaissance fair, didn't you? I'm betting the hotness is all relative. That aside, keep it fun in the bedroom and you won't have any problems. I'd much rather date an adventurous average looking girl than some hot prude.

    Posted by K September 4, 09 11:29 AM
  1. “Do stunning guys ever date chicks that are less than amazing?”

    We do. Without pandering to your asymmetrical plight, I will tell you that the most beautiful women I have ever known are the result of a total package. For most of my adult life I have been ‘involved’. So when I meet people, I think it’s interesting to see them through the eyes of someone who is objective, yet taken. In this way, we allow ourselves to see beyond book covers and into the protagonist’s lair. The meter of your life is the symmetry this boychik sees…embrace it.


    “L’Shana Tovu” Haiku

    Oy, shayna punim
    We belted show tunes all night
    Feygelah hag…Nu?

    Posted by valentino September 4, 09 11:29 AM
  1. Believe it or not, I know a J-Crew looking guy who has his own self-esteem issues, despite more than one woman throwing themselves at him (and these were good-looking women). Also, they say that really good looking people sometimes have a harder time finding dates than their average looking counterparts. Throw aside your self-esteem issues and ask him to dinner, see what happens.

    Posted by missdevilred September 4, 09 11:31 AM
  1. well, whoever suggested "he might be an a$$ man" was crass but onto something. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm a hot former underwear model, and I find short, nerdy men irresistable. I couldn't be less interested in mr. jcrew.

    At the same time, I'll give you 5 to 1 odds he already has a girlfriend, or at least an "it's complicated" who is hot and lives in another city. He met you, had this great intellectual connection, and will spend the next month being all tortured about what a great time he has with you, but eventually he will feel compelled to work it out with his hot, vapid HTH.

    (Yup, I used up all my heartfelt kindness on yesterday's letter.)

    Posted by Q September 4, 09 11:31 AM
  1. I think the very premise of the question is flawed.

    There is no single, objective standard of attractiveness or beauty that applies to all people. You say he's hotter than you, but based on what? Unless you're a mind-reader, you're jumping to a conclusion, because the only thing that matters is whether he likes you or not, and for all you know he's wildly attracted to you.

    Chemistry is an unpredictable thing. I'd say give it a week or so, and then contact him via facebook if he hasn't contacted you already. Just cut to the chase (as in, you wanna grab a drink or something?). But whatever you do DON'T waste your time with online small talk and flirting. Best to let him come to you. Men like a bit of a challenge. Again, if a week or so goes by and you haven't heard from him, just drop him a line asking him if he wants to get together. Not many women use this approach, and I bet it'll be a turn on.

    Posted by Louisio September 4, 09 11:33 AM
  1. you ugly girl.

    Posted by ja-mama September 4, 09 11:38 AM
  1. Did you ever think that maybe you are gorgeous to him? Everyone is attracted to different people. I get in this discussion all of the time with my boyfriend. He thinks that he's not attractive to women, but I think that he is drop dead sexy! Maybe the same applies to you. While you think that you are just average looking, maybe he saw you from across the room and thought "OMG, who is that hottie!!!??? I need to talk to her!" Don't write him off just becuase you think he's not in your league! Let him be the one that tells you what he thinks of you!

    Posted by alwaysaromantic September 4, 09 11:39 AM
  1. Stop the "he is gay" because he is a nice guy.. it is still nice guys out there people!
    I have beautiful friends married to/dated much, MUCH less attractive guys, because they are smart, funny, and yes, on their own way secure, and sexy... same goes here..
    Guys are also into confidenet, smart, funny girls. I've hear many times, that some of the sexiest girls are the ones that proejct that, not the hottest ones that may not have much else...

    Posted by mg in brighton September 4, 09 11:41 AM
  1. Wow. All this "do anything in bed and he'll love you" stuff is SO ridiculous.

    Girls who aren't a "10" have to stop respecting themselves in order to get a guy? Yeah, only if the guy you want is an insecure, controlling loser.

    I'm not saying be stuck-up, either; there's always a balance. But a guy who only goes after women who have no boundaries has got major problems.

    Put out if you want to. If you want to be adventurous in bed, then do it because it's fun and you trust the person, but don't do it just to get a guy. Respect yourself and others will too. Only put up with what you deserve.

    Posted by sometimes September 4, 09 11:42 AM
  1. If he wants to date you he's probably gay...

    Posted by Rotten September 4, 09 11:55 AM
  1. You know what is hot? Confidence! An average looking confident girl is much hotter, and more fun, than an insecure bombshell. You have to believe you are worthy of him if you want HIM to believe it.

    Posted by Noah September 4, 09 11:57 AM
  1. You know what drives me insane? Women who try to be so, so skinny. You say you're not good looking? I wonder what you base that on. The women I have always found attractive are not the ones who have the figures of teenage boys (uber models) but have natural, healthy, female shapes!!!

    Don't underestimate your looks. Most men want to be with a woman who has curves of some sort, even if those curves stray outside of the lines of ideal hourglass.

    Go for it! But keep your dignity and self-worth. Anything less is definitely a turnoff for any guy worth his salt. You're his equal if he's dating you, whether you realize it or not. Good luck.

    Posted by Used-to-be-hot-guy September 4, 09 12:00 PM
  1. I agree w/ #3, and also the possibility that he might be gay - not so much for his literary tastes, so much as for his unbridled enthusiasm. Straight guys talking to girls are most always a bit more guarded.

    But more importantly, who spoke to whom first? Did he start your first conversation, or did you make an excuse to go talk to him? And how did it end - did he ask to actually see you again? Did he ask for your phone number? (NOT just to hook up on facebook - that's friend territory.)

    It's true that guys generally rank looks much higher than women do. Pretty at or near the top. Nothing personal. It's not everything, but it gets their attention first, and they'll forgive a lot more if they're into your looks. And yes, personality matters too, especially if you are a very bubbly type.

    So what do you do now? Well, you DON'T chase him. Be cute (in your own style), stay in shape, post cute pics of yourself on facebook... Be friendly and flirt, sure - trust me, he will know you're interested. Then, back off - don't swamp him with attention. If he wants to spend time with you, he'll ask you out.

    But don't get your hopes up. If he were already interested, he would have asked for your phone number, or asked you out within a week or so of meeting you.

    Posted by JulieD September 4, 09 12:01 PM
  1. Beauty is only skin deep. What really counts is your values and what's inside. She could be a Goddess, but if she's an a$$hole, that beauty gives way for the ugliness inside.

    Posted by Don't discount your beauty! September 4, 09 12:04 PM
  1. If you don't take a shot he will never date you.

    If you take a shot then either he will never date you or he will.

    So why not take a shot?

    Posted by Lance Bass September 4, 09 12:05 PM
  1. TR at 9:29AM nailed it! No other responses needed.

    Maybe this guy is into intelligence and is avoiding the super hot "mindless bimbo" on purpose?

    Posted by Just another average guy September 4, 09 12:06 PM
  1. he's definitely gay....

    Posted by Hung Wang September 4, 09 12:11 PM
  1. I think it's funny that an ugly girl is so superficial. Usually the ugly people are the ones who say looks shouldn't matter. This broad is going around judging peoples worth, including her own, based only on looks. She mentions "homely" guys. She sounds like a complete Beatch. Those homely guys are the ones on your level! A stuck up ugly girl with no self esteem. What a weird combo!

    Posted by Dumb Broad September 4, 09 12:14 PM
  1. #119 (used to be hot guy) - you just made my day. Great message.

    LW, first, you are probably so much more attractive than you give yourself credit for. That said, I always say that I'd rather by ugly on the outside than ugly on the inside because ugly on the inside doesn't change. If you are beautiful on the inside, it radiates. Obviously he found you attractive. Don't sell yourself - or maybe this guy - short. You have nothing to lose asking him to do something. Good luck and this is definitely an update I'd want to read!

    And to all those folks saying he's definitely gay - stop being mean. Grow up. Just don't comment then.

    Posted by Patty September 4, 09 12:21 PM
  1. Guys like #125 "Dumb Broad", are exactly the kind of d**k heads that give the rest of us a bad name. Crawl back in your hole.

    Posted by RJansen September 4, 09 12:21 PM
  1. Oy! I haven't seen this kind of ridiculousness since Morton Downey Jr's show was on WWOR.

    Anyway - Let's start with the DAASH character - are you kidding me? Seems like your Self-Esteem went out like the 70s. You have absolutely nothing else to offer him besides looks? Is that what you are - just an average female - middle of the road in everything? Do you have ANY redeeming qualities whatsoever? If the answer to this is no then you have your answer as to whether or not you should date him. Seriously. Stop kidding yourself and go back to the middle of the road guys you are accustomed of being with.

    Next - all of the people who said the guy was gay - let's just look at the facts - He was obviously talking to her and ended up being her friend on whatever social networking site that they are apart of. It doesn't matter whether he's gay - he may be tired of getting dumped by the top of the line girls and feels like if he comes down a notch he'll find someone else who he can hang onto long enough for a FWB kind of relationship. There's really NO way that this guy would ask her to marry him. But - on the other hand - he could be bisexual? Let's spin the wheel and find out for sure.

    Parting comments - Rico is ridiculous. Byubba is right on. He needs to get the heck out of here. And all of his disciples and whatnot. Hoss and Sally are the only decent people on here. PM needs to dial it down on the advice - it's not her column it's Meredith's...if she wrote any more paragraphs I would have thought it was "anedotal evidence" or something...and that advice isn't all that great either. Overall, I think most of these people who contribute are full of hot air. The opinions are like those in a donut shop - there are some that you absolutely love and there are some that belong in the munchkin box. It's time for my dunkin donuts fix, by the way...

    Oh - I feel like I should say it again - DAASH! Next time you go shopping, go to the self-esteem aisle. You certainly need it. Pick yourself up some diet pills too.

    Posted by supersonic BLAST man! September 4, 09 12:23 PM
  1. DAASH..let us know how 7th grade works out for you. Mer's advice....I don't know. See if the guy wants to hit Friendly's and have your moms drop you both off.

    RICO..look at THAT. you read mer's advice again today !!! Bully for you little fella! Thank you for validating me as a LL commenter. You have obviously taken my advice to heart that your rambling are worthless and that you understand we're here to comment in context with what MER writes about...as opposed to this being all about YOU.

    Mer....we know reindrgrl is active. How's your love life these days?

    oops..almost forgot BAN the 3rd person guy and all his self serving drivel

    Posted by byubba September 4, 09 12:23 PM
  1. So all the male scholars who teach Renaissance lit are gay? // Bizarre. But I agree with TallGirl - Spenser was, is, and always will be a pain. Just get through the course and don't look back.// Beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the beholder (at least, Plato said something like it). Matt Damon? Tom Brady? Both have too many teeth and heads as square as Sponge Bob Square-Pants. // We aren't the best judge of our own looks. For years I thought I looked liked Gidget (not Sally Field, Gidget), then along comes college and dorm-mates say, no, not Gidget, Stevie Nicks, and I say, no, not Stevie Nicks, Debra Winger. You, LW are probably GORGEOUS!

    Posted by reindeergirl September 4, 09 12:25 PM
  1. Paul from Wellesley,

    The two men I'm thinking of were both very handsome and very bright. One had a PhD in philosophy and the other was an engineer with a master's degree.

    They both had women throwing themselves at them. They felt uncomfortable with it. They knew it was shallow, and of course they wondered if they'd "meet expectations" further down the line.

    LW's guy may be like them. After all, he likes Renaissance literature.

    I'm not "talking up" my past boyfriends. I'm not an average-looking woman. In the past some have called me beautiful, but I've always thought of myself simply as a good-looking woman. I've dated handsome men and homely men.

    There are a lot of shallow people out there, and good-looking men and women are keenly aware of that. LW's guy may or may not be like that. It's just my experience, that's all.

    If I were LW, I'd assume he wants to be judged for who he is, not what he looks like.

    Posted by TallGirl September 4, 09 12:29 PM
  1. I'm an attractive guy, though not J.crew level - say an 8.5-9 out of 10, the guy everyone would say is good looking, but no one would spin their head around for, for the sake of calibration. Well over 6 feet, built, blue eyes etc.

    a couple of thoughts - as someone said above, I was a nerd in high school who couldn't get a date. As a result, up until age 30, I was just so happy a girl was interested in me, I didn't really care if she were hot (though, ugly still didn't do it - I'm still a guy). This guy may well still be in this stage - it wasn't unusual at the well known Ivy I attended.

    At age 30, I realized women did go for me, and I turned into a bit of a superficial slut to make up for lost time. Happens. But my wife is far from the hottest girl I've dated - she is however, intelligent, practical, and nice.

    Which is to say, if you are in good shape, good personality/fun, and good in bed, that's going to hold a guy's interest a lot more.

    My best friend IS "omigod I can't believe how hot he is". He had the same sort of nerdy insecure childhood, and dated a girl who was way below him in the looks dept for years. He would have married her if it weren't for how she treated him. It can happen.

    On the gay front, I like renaissance literature. And know lots of good looking guys who do. Who are still straight. Its really not unusual in the Ivies etc.

    Posted by backbayguy September 4, 09 12:36 PM
  1. Let me give you a 29 year old guy's opinion. I'm not in the league as your guy I'm sure, but i'm attractive enough and have a good enough personality to have had a couple girlfriends over the years that were great relationships.

    I think you might be assuming that the 36-24-36 supermodel look is what guys want emotionally as partners too. That type of woman might be nice to look at and might be what people consider "hot". But i think thats just a sexual thing....

    I've always been attracted to what you probably would consider "plain" looking girls. I find their personality and their own look to be very cute and genuine. They might not look like the latest supermodel, but hell... neither do I and I certainly don't want to come home to that everyday. Most guys worth your time need substance too, your character and personality are just as important in overall attractiveness. This may sound hokey but its true. A lot of guys are like me - we love the cute ones, the plain ones, who are attractive in your own way and offer much more on the table personality wise.

    So go ask him out - If you don't, you'll never have a chance to find out how he feels. If he politely declines, then maybe you have your answer. And if that's the case don't go the friend route - You'll just be frustrated at having a friend you're attracted to (and will get more attracted to) who can't reciprocate the feelings.

    And yes, i'm straight ...

    Posted by dan September 4, 09 12:36 PM
  1. byubba, Mine is EXCELLENT these days. Kthnks. // In fact, the other day he and I had that conversation, and decided to go exclusive, with an occasional play-mates (M or F, doesn't matter, I'm bi and he might be, but he's going along with my wishes) brought in from time to time. Happy now, Ms. Nosy? // Sally has an MFA, 'nuff said. // To "Tired of your Schtick" from yesterday - I'm tired of yours. // Admiral Antgro's Son - Too bad. I'm gettin' some, you're not.

    save gas, ride a bleako today

    Posted by reindeergirl September 4, 09 12:38 PM
  1. I have never read so many hateful comments in all of the time that I have been reading LL. Please DAASH, have faith in yourself, and things will work out. After reading these comments, my faith in humanity has taken a major plunge. Listen to Meredith and Rico....both honest and intelligent. And # 65 shoufd be banned from the column.

    Posted by Nada September 4, 09 12:39 PM
  1. Just go for it. In the end it's not about looks anyway. When you get older the looks fade and it's about finding a companion. A young and immature guy would turn a nice girl down based on looks, but if he's looking for a mate or someone to have fun with at all he will look for the important things like what you have in common and what type of person you are. And by the way, I'm sure you are too hard on yourself. Good luck!

    Posted by i love fridays September 4, 09 12:40 PM
  1. #130 "So all the male scholars who teach Renaissance lit are gay?"

    YES

    Posted by definately September 4, 09 12:41 PM
  1. It could be not just "looks" per se but that certain je ne sais quoi that adds up to attraction. I have in the past commented that a particular woman is hot to one of my female coworkers or female friends, only to get the response "why? she doesn't look that good to me".

    Well the answer is that attraction is not based on a standardized catalog of visual features. You only know what's attractive to you by the experimental method. And most of the explanations of why someone is (physically or sexually) attractive come after the fact and don't actually explain the real reason. If he's attracted to you, he's attracted to you. If he's not, he's not.

    If I were you I would pursue another opportunity to spend time with him and see if (a) he takes you up on it and (b) where it leads.

    Posted by Steve in W MA September 4, 09 12:51 PM
  1. I definitely agree with "sometimes", #103 (basically the entire post). First of all, you never know, he could be completely attracted to you and you don’t even know it! He sounds like a nice guy and someone who you have a lot of similar interests with. However, a guy this good looking can be a little intimidating for us girls who might not think we’re good looking enough for them. Most people on here are telling you to have confidence…yes, that is crucial. So how do you get confident with yourself and feel as though you’re more than just “average”?

    First of all, just remind yourself that most gorgeous girls you see usually do not wake up like that. Most ladies put at least SOME time and effort into improving upon their natural looks whether it’s waxing their eyebrows, dying their hair, or going to the gym. So just remind yourself that most girls you see are not 100% naturally how they appear to you or on tv/in magazines. If you’re not putting in any effort to look great, yes, you could be plainer than most. I don’t know how you dress or present yourself on the outside, but it sounds as if it’s not what it could be. As for myself, like “sometimes”, in high school I wasn’t exactly looking my best…I dressed rather silly, mismatched clothes, blue eyeshadow, crazy hair, anything to stand out. Thought I was cool and different, but then I realized it wasn’t exactly doing anything for me. I realized I just looked completely weird and was basically giving off a “don’t come near me” vibe to all. Then I learned to play up my best features with natural makeup and hair and let those stand out instead of hiding behind ridiculous outfits. I learned to stand out in a different way. I still definitely have my own style (this is important, don’t give up your personality completely), but I wear nicer, more form fitting, sophisticated, age appropriate clothes that look good on me. I definitely feel better about myself, more confident, and that is always attractive to other people. You have to work with what you have and go with it, because what else can you do? I’ve seen a lot of girls who have average features look completely amazing and confident thanks to their style and attitude (and no, please don’t think you have to dress like a hoochie or anything!).

    With this guy, I wouldn’t try to suddenly poke him 1000 times on Facebook or whatever, but I would try to keep in touch with him, maybe write him a message or wall post and see how he’s doing and try to judge from his response if he’s into you before asking him out out of the blue. And try not to focus too much on his looks…don’t put him on a pedestal, remember he’s only human. Good luck!

    Posted by meow September 4, 09 12:52 PM
  1. Bradley Cooper just chose Renee Zellweeger over Jenifer Anniston. It happens!

    I have found that a lot of guys actually believe the hotter the chic the crazier.

    Posted by Anonymous September 4, 09 12:52 PM
  1. "Young and beautiful / Some day your looks will be gone. / When the others turn you off/ Who'll be turning you on? / I will, I will, I will, I wiiiiiill." // So that's Captain and Tenille, but srlsly, there's something in it. Mutuallity and commonalities are THE most important qualities in a relationship. You need to stop thinking about this man in terms of his J. Crew looks (and hey, for all you know, he might go for frugly-Talbots on a woman), and what HE can offer YOU - for the long-term. Read some Jane Austen. Look at George Eliot, who got George Henry Lewes, in spite of the view of the times, which regarded her as plain - plain, maybe; brilliant, yes.

    Posted by reindeergirl September 4, 09 12:53 PM
  1. In the wise words of my grandmother and mother:


    "Beauty is only skin deep, ugly is to the bone."

    aka, you can be beautiful on the outside, but the inner beauty is what really matters. Words to live by

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! September 4, 09 12:58 PM
  1. Maybe he is a producer of "Butherface" Films?

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 September 4, 09 12:59 PM
  1. I agree with Meredith that you should e-mail the guy but disagree with her other comments. Guys are attracted to 2 types. About 75% of guys want big boobs and will accept average face and being a little overweight. 25% of guys want perfect face, skinny body, great ass and will accept small boobs. In general women tend to think that guys want the opposite. Guys know guys and women know women. You maybe this guys type.

    Posted by Joe September 4, 09 12:59 PM
  1. Sorry to tell you. Gay. Gay. Gay.

    Posted by Kdog September 4, 09 01:00 PM
  1. "don't judge a book by its cover"

    not light, not short, man
    football physique, pearly whites
    schlong? damn, not so long


    valentino--you are the haiku master/genius, I just like to practice.

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! September 4, 09 01:03 PM
  1. reindeergirl, wtf are you talking about? Get a clue.

    Posted by hate the regulars here who all suck. September 4, 09 01:05 PM
  1. hahahah #14

    That was $

    Posted by Good stuff September 4, 09 01:06 PM
  1. can hot guys fall for "average" chicks. As a recent Mom I can say Yes - just go to a playground or new parents group and look around. Of the straight couples you see 7 out of 10 are hot new dads with down to earth homely new moms. I can say this is very very try on Somerville don't ask me why, a "pretty girl" is not desirable in Somerville.

    Posted by newmommy September 4, 09 01:09 PM
  1. Personally, I'd pick an activity over dinner for an exploratory date. An art museum is perfect. There will be plenty to talk about, so no awkward silences. And you get to show off that beautiful mind.

    Posted by Susan September 4, 09 01:15 PM
  1. If he is interested he will make a move if he is not interested he will find ways "to be a bit too busy but would love to catch up soon"
    don't sell yourself short, looks are in the eye of the beholder.
    I'm a devastatingly handsome man (my wife tells me all the time) but in high school if you looked up nerdy awkward teen in the dictionary. You would have seen my photo. The only person who can make you feel unattractive is you, faceless comments here or from shallow bystanders mean nothing.
    If you think you not beautiful you are not...if you think you are ....you are. plain and simple........be confident, trust in yourself.

    keltoi sylvanthicus...looking better every day but only because my wife and daughter tell me so.....

    Posted by Keltoi Sylvanthicus September 4, 09 01:16 PM
  1. Meredith,
    Looking at this issue from the other end I can see where your coming from. What you don't understand is how difficult it is being very, very, very good looking.

    It would be impossible to find someone to match my looks, wits and intellegence.. and I'm not looking for that. I'd rather be with someone who pushes my buttons intellectually.

    When it comes right down to it, when the lights go off... we're all black.... and when we're all 50 years old, we'll all look gross. But atleast you can find someone to enjoy life with.

    Posted by Greg Murphy September 4, 09 01:24 PM
  1. Take it from a guy, guys 9 1/2 times out of 10 are about looks. But the key here is its not 10 out of 10. Try it, what have you got to lose... so he might not be into you because you are "average", so what, doesn't say anything about you, and doesn't say anything about him. Whether you are hot, average or ugly, ... in the end its about whether 2 people mesh it their entirety, looks, quirks, personailty.

    Posted by JohnTheReviewer September 4, 09 01:27 PM
  1. I am an average non-hottie girl, who has dated some drop dead gorgeous men. For (lucky) me, it probably was that I am smart and funny and friendly, the trifecta beautiful girls rarely have, and I treat everyone the same. If men want arm candy, or status girlfriends, then they can have the models. If they want a real relationship with someone who loves Renaissance Literature, you are in. If you are in shape, that's a bonus. There may not be initial sparks if the looks aren't there, but it doesn't mean they won't develop when he gets to know how great you are. (if this weren't true, only good looking people would have relationships). The fact that all these guys are saying ugly girls put out more in bed is so cliche, but have to admit that I love sex and that has served me (and my boyfriends) very well, win-win there. (but no need to be easy). Also, I do have some very attractive girlfriends, who are single more than me. Sometimes pretty girls are too intimidating, and a few are definitely way more demanding. Also, one is a very smart, interesting lawyer, but all everyone talks about is how pretty she is, which is too bad for her, she is a lot more than that but no one cares. At least people like me for my personality, which will change a lot less than my looks as I get older.
    If you do end up dating the hottie, be prepared for some jealousy, they are still men who ogle beautiful girls and will get hit on right in front of you, even if they are with you. Just keep it in perspective and know that you were chosen for a reason.

    Posted by plain but happy jane September 4, 09 01:27 PM
  1. I've been where you've been. Have a little faith in yourself. The worst thing that could happen is he rejects your invitation to dinner and you're no worse off than you were before. If you never ask, you'll never know!

    Posted by Beth September 4, 09 01:31 PM
  1. maybe you find him "hot" because he has confidence. Now, go get some confidence and maybe he will find you "hot"

    I am glad to see all the psychiatrists have started the long weekend early. So nice to not see half the entries saying "you should go see a therapist and take medication"

    Posted by tomthumbs September 4, 09 01:33 PM
  1. If every commenter on here were to list who they think are the top 5 hottest men and women in hollywood...I bet you almost ever person's list would be different. (Maybe we should actually do this as an experiment??)

    Moral of the story: Everyone has their own opinion of what constitues being "hot" or "beautiful". You could be the most beautiful woman in the world in his eyes. You just never know. So STOP WORRYING. Put yourself out there and be the amazing person you are!!

    Posted by Kristen September 4, 09 01:33 PM
  1. DAASH! I haven't even seen you, I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but let's start here! You're hot. You're smart, funny, and apparently fun to talk to so get over yourself and e-mail this guy!
    You're only as good looking as you think that you are so take this J Crew model down from the pedestal you have put him on, email him, and ask him out! It's definitely the way to go!
    Have a great time on your date!

    Posted by HK24 September 4, 09 01:33 PM
  1. Hmmmmmmmm... I dunno about this one.

    Meredith's advice was very "after school special" but in reality most men go for the visual over substance every time. Sorry. Truth hurts...

    Posted by Amazed September 4, 09 01:40 PM
  1. I've turned J Crew down on multiple occasions to model in their fall catalogue and my current girlfriend is average/below average looking. I'm a pretty shy guy and she made the first move so I think you should definitely go for it

    Posted by LoveMyself September 4, 09 01:47 PM
  1. I'm very average looking. I've dated hot guys, and some rather "regular" ones, and always seemed to end up with the guy I had set my sights on. What gives? Personality. And self confidence. And letting a guy just "be", not forcing him to do things he doesn't enjoy, setting him up to falsely build up your own ego, and giving him breathing space.

    Posted by Fern September 4, 09 01:50 PM
  1. from one not traditionally hot girl to another, a list of sexy traits (including but not limited to): talents, humor, intelligence, kindness, wit, quirks, interests, values, hobbies..

    all things a normal boy with a pretty face can fall head over heels with.

    good luck!

    Posted by rw September 4, 09 01:54 PM
  1. There's no way advice can be given to this letter unless the question of how much did the guy have to drink is answered. Not being mean, but guys talk to fatties all the time at parties when they have a snout full.

    Posted by Sluggo24 September 4, 09 01:55 PM
  1. I think you should try and email but dont call him, if you are interested. Let the guy make his move, if he doesn't he probably doesn't want to.

    Ever see or read He's just not that into you?

    Posted by peaceout September 4, 09 01:56 PM
  1. Rico is too funny, I am sitting here laughing because that tool byubba actually thinks rico cares. He gives his advice and his thoughts without a care in the world and I love it. He may not always have the best answer but I'll take his antics over the angry nonsense of the others here. I read the posts and my guess is Rico is probably sitting there laughing. I get his sarcasm, apparently you are too dumb to get it.

    Keep up the good work Rico, I hope you post again later before the weekend starts.

    Posted by byubba was rejected by rico September 4, 09 01:59 PM
  1. I'm very average looking. I've dated hot guys, and some rather "regular" ones, and always seemed to end up with the guy I had set my sights on. What gives? Personality. And self confidence. And letting a guy just "be", not forcing him to do things he doesn't enjoy, setting him up to falsely build up your own ego, and giving him breathing space.

    Posted by Fern September 4, 09 02:00 PM
  1. byubba - You are the grease to Rico's gears.
    summa!babybumma - well done - haiku the world
    reindeergirl - not fair...you have 2X the opportunity

    Good Shabbos to the Globorious Ones: Mere, Mr. Yodder, Ms. Abraham and of course, His Excellency, Bob Ryan

    Posted by valentino September 4, 09 02:14 PM
  1. Okay, Kristen. Top of my list, Vince Vaughn.

    Poster named Sometimes has nailed it. Even if you are Quasimodo's cousin, you needn't debase yourself in any way for attention. Good partners respect one another (and each may put the other on a bit of a pedestal, equally!).

    That said, if things with Mr. Gorgeous don't work out, I hope the letter writer will consider the "overlooked" guys (ie., late bloomers, shy guys, slayingly funny with a few extra pounds, etc.). I know MANY beautiful women who "could have gotten anyone" who married overlooked/underappreciated men and are very happy. Love yourself first. And best to you.

    Posted by local September 4, 09 02:16 PM
  1. I wish I knew how old you/him were. I think after a certain age, even the gorgeous people stop looking for only other gorgeous people. He's probably dated many model-quality girls but more than likely, they've been high maintenance and/or self centered (stereotype, I know). Maybe he's at a point of his life that he'd rather date substance than skin. Definitely go for it, and don't sell yourself too short.

    Posted by dt September 4, 09 02:24 PM
  1. No, not all men who like Renaissance literature are gay. I don't know any who are.

    My Spenser professor was well-known for womanizing. During his divorce, his wife put on sandwich board signs that said, "(professor's full name) is cruel!" and walked all over the campus.

    He eventually re-married, to a woman who taught Shakespeare. I hear they both gave up Renaissance lit and now own an art gallery.

    The Chaucer professor (pre-Renaissance, but funny story) had some issues, too. His wife left him. On the day she moved out, she put all of his Chaucer books in the oven and turned it on.

    He took to going to student parties, getting drunk and speaking Middle English to the women there. Last time I saw him, he was dating a truly stunning red-haired woman who had been in our Chaucer class.

    Posted by TallGirl September 4, 09 02:26 PM
  1. GOD LOVE YOU, TR! I love your attitude. So many of my woman friends "dumb down" because they don't want the men they're dating to be intimadated. Why would a guy want that kind of woman?? Why aren't there more men out there like you...

    Posted by Lew September 4, 09 02:28 PM
  1. How about the opposite? How about an above average woman who marries a below average guy? Well that is what I did and I could not be happier! I am having the time of my life with a guy who is hilarious and who can make me laugh like no other! I married way above average the first time and look where it got me? # 2!

    Posted by Kimmy September 4, 09 02:31 PM
  1. IDEA
    You can let us look at your boston.com profile and we can tell you if your hot or not. Yes.. it will be fun. trust me.

    Then we can look at everyone else who posts on this silly blog!

    WOO!

    Posted by HotOrNot? September 4, 09 02:40 PM
  1. DAASH. Go for it because: He IS (just that) INTO YOU.

    Good Luck

    Posted by kbp September 4, 09 02:42 PM
  1. Hot guys are overrated...average guys are MUCH better in the sack!

    Posted by hotgirl September 4, 09 02:42 PM
  1. DAASH. Go for it because: He IS (just that) INTO YOU.

    Good Luck

    Posted by kbp September 4, 09 02:42 PM
  1. IDEA
    You can let us look at your boston.com profile and we can tell you if your hot or not. Yes.. it will be fun. trust me.

    Then we can look at everyone else who posts on this silly blog!

    WOO!

    Posted by HotOrNot? September 4, 09 02:42 PM
  1. do NOT poke him. and if you are going to send him a facebook message do NOT make it long. short and sweet is good enough. just a little something to let him know youre interested. anything more might scare him off. if you are young as people are thinking, his maturity level is going to think "stage 5 clinger"...

    recently i have discovered the "you have to think you are beautiful before others will see it"...true statement. i ripped myself apart for years. and finally i decided to dress how i want, cut my hair how i want. everything. makeover day for me. and it worked out. i love it.

    try it out. just remember be who YOU want to be. that;s all that matters in the end. :) good luck!!

    Posted by Don'tPoke September 4, 09 02:50 PM
  1. Jesus.

    So first, thanks for all of the "give it a shot, what's the worst that could happen?" advice because really...the worst that happens is some embarrassment. I can live with that.

    To all of the "this chick has no self-esteem!" and "this chick is stuck up!" posters...I have LOTS of healthy self-esteem regarding my mental and social skills. I'm educated, intellectually curious, gainfully and happily employed, have an amazing group of friends, and really feel comfortable talking to anyone (which, honestly, Mr. Smokin' Hottie may have liked--I know women who wanted to talk to him but didn't have the gumption).

    I'm working on the romantic confidence...I am overweight (but hired a kick-ass trainer, have lost 40 lbs, and am working on the rest), but I've had pretty decent luck dating. I'm sooooo open on what I find physically attractive because I'm really looking for someone I can have fun with and learn with and play in the outdoors with for the next, oh, 60 years (and as one reader pointed out, most of us are going to be on the downward slide by 50...so a hottie now may not be for long). However, I think it's realistic to understand that other people may be far less permissive...and I wanted some other opinion than my own dark little "he'll never like you!"

    Meredith made a *great* point that Mr. Smokin' Hottie has to live up to his smashing looks with a smashing personality when he's talking to someone for the first time. I think the inverse is true as well (and I'm speaking only about myself here)...that on some level, it is more comfortable to remain overweight. I always felt like I had immediate validation that someone liked me for me...which may not always be true when I've morphed from "not deformed" into "total cutie." But I'm willing to take my chances :)

    Thanks folks!

    Oh and P.S. Mr. Smokin' Hottie is in his late 20's, and has only ever dated women; his best friends are positive he's not gay. What is up with assuming a guy who reads something more complicated than Stephen King has to be gay? I'm just saying :)

    Posted by DAASH / letter writer September 4, 09 03:04 PM
  1. c'mon now.. lets see those member profiles everyoooone!

    Posted by HotOrNot? September 4, 09 03:04 PM
  1. I like how Meredith said "charm the pants off him" :)
    It would be nice to see how good this good-looking guy is in bed. I say go for it. OMG, what am i saying? I am married and expecting! What the heck has gotten into me? LOL

    Seriously though, having some sexy time with him would be # 1 on my priority list. I remember many years ago, i was in bed with this hot guy, and what a disappointment...Let me just say, he had some "issues" down there...And i am a hot woman myself, so it could not be me.

    Posted by Anonymous September 4, 09 03:16 PM
  1. I read a funny book "Dating Down". Sometimes the most available people are those who are beautiful b/c everyone assumes we are taken or snobby etc. I had a guy friend once tell me that his father always said to him, when you go to a bar look for the most beautiful girl at the bar and go talk to her...you know why? Because she's the loneliest. I think that is true. So many nights I and my beautiful sister have sat at a club or bar and the only guys who approach us are drunk or missing body parts...probably due to their drinking problem! The only man I ever loved was a short furry red head who was the funniest most cheerful bright light I had ever met. Soon he became the most sexy and loving partner I ever had. It's about who you are on the inside and how he feels when he is with you....NOT how you make him look! Just talk to him and possibly include him in an activity including friends and see what he is about. Don't get caught up in what if's....it's too soon!


    Posted by jhall13 September 4, 09 03:16 PM
  1. Not all men who teach/are into Renaissance literature are gay, but those who "looooove" it just might be.

    But really, you will regret it if you don't try, so just go for it. My husband is hotter than me, always has been, but it works, and it helps my self-confidence in the end. GOOD LUCK!

    Posted by check check September 4, 09 03:20 PM
  1. Definitely go out with him. I've found some men are put off by the "beautiful" women and would like someone nice and down to earth. When I was younger and would get all dressed up I was much less likely to be approached by a nice looking man than when I was dressed more casually and with less makeup, I believe I was more approachable.

    Posted by dtigerr September 4, 09 03:27 PM
  1. If this dude is really into Renaissance Lit and was down to talk to you all night about it then he's definitely into you too. For alot of educated guys like myself it's brains first and as long as you don't have bad personal hygiene.

    Posted by TommyTau September 4, 09 03:34 PM
  1. You are going to have to be good in bed, have a great sense of humor, be confident, and not be surprised, ever, for the unexpected. We've all seen it go both ways. Just enjoy yourself.

    Posted by DanVS September 4, 09 03:41 PM
  1. You sound like a funny, smart woman who is not afraid to laugh, make eye contact and talk about something other than television shows. Who would not want to be around a fun person who smiles a lot and shares similar interests? Your new friend may have gone home thinking: "wow, I just met the greatest girl." The whole "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" line is true. While I know I am in the minority on this, I do not get the gaga factor on men like Brad Pitt or Tom Brady. It does not meant they are unattractive; it's just that they don't do it for me. Maybe you do it for him. Go for it. Good luck - I hope everything works out for you!!!

    Posted by Aries September 4, 09 03:45 PM
  1. What can I say that hasn't already been said other than, you've got it completely wrong folks. She's hot and she doesn't know it yet. DASH, do me a favor and quit trying to act all average-looking and humble. You're effing hot, your boobs are amazing, and your -- how is everyone saying it? -- @$$ is beyond words. Now, take that extraspecialhotness you got going on and dish it out to the average-looking men, who clearly are in more need of the special attention than Mr. J. Abercrombie Crew.

    Oh, and I don't have an MFA, rd. I dropped out. I've got the loan balance to prove it.

    Posted by Sally September 4, 09 03:45 PM
  1. What can I say that hasn't already been said other than, you've got it completely wrong folks. She's hot and she doesn't know it yet. DASH, do me a favor and quit trying to act all average-looking and humble. You're effing hot, your boobs are amazing, and your -- how is everyone saying it? -- @$$ is beyond words. Now, take that extraspecialhotness you got going on and dish it out to the average-looking men, who clearly are in more need of the special attention than Mr. J. Abercrombie Crew.

    Oh, and I don't have an MFA, rd. I dropped out. I've got the loan balance to prove it.

    Posted by Sally September 4, 09 03:45 PM
  1. I'm actually prejudiced against good-looking guys. In my experience, they are either gay or "players". I prefer ugly-duckling guys. I slowly convince them to get physical activity, a decent haircut, shave, and new clothing choices. Then I have the perfect down-to-earth hottie.

    Posted by Bee September 4, 09 03:45 PM
  1. DAASH,

    I think physical appearance is most influential when we are just meeting someone. Based on what you’ve said, I’d try to see Mr. Wonderful again soon, and try to have fun and be sure to be flirtatious. After seeing him a few times, you’ll probably know if the chemistry is right or not. Good luck!

    -rds

    Posted by rds September 4, 09 03:45 PM
  1. Unfortunately you had your chance at the party...or afterwards.

    It's over.

    Women want looks and money. And a house.

    Men want looks.

    It is pathetic but true.


    Posted by Jenn September 4, 09 04:13 PM
  1. Funny, you think this guy is hot and, while others may agree, some may not. I've had friends in similar situations and when I meet the hottie (either male or female), they just aren't that hot. Beauty is subjective. go for it, the worst he'll do is say no (or want to keep it as friends) and you'll be int he same place you are now and you'll move forward. If you don't try, looking back and wondering is much worse. Best of luck.

    Posted by cozmikgurl September 4, 09 04:24 PM
  1. The sexiest part of a woman? Her brain. Be smart, funny, upbeat and confident, and you can have any available guy in the room who has half a brain, no matter your looks. I promise. I knew a girl who was an absolute scream to be with and smart as a whip, with a nose like the Wicked Witch of the West. She had handsome men lined up around the block while the 'pretty' girls were home complaining that guys were jerks.

    You sound like you were the most interesting, smartest and funniest girl at that party. You were the best catch of the evening for any guy there, by far. Why wouldn't that guy you met want to be with you?

    And never mind all that "just put out" business. Any guy you'd find interesting and want to be with is willing to wait until the right time.

    Posted by one of the many guys who think you sound terrific September 4, 09 04:49 PM
  1. I think I'm going with 'gay' on this one.

    Or player. But sounds more like gay. Did he actually know anything about renaissance literature?

    Posted by Mike S September 4, 09 04:53 PM
  1. when you have nothing to lose, you lose nothing. go for it. it's a long weekend and who knows.......?

    Posted by linda p September 4, 09 04:55 PM
  1. By the way, even more so than the looks, this writer pinged why people are saying 'gay'.

    "I agree w/ #3, and also the possibility that he might be gay - not so much for his literary tastes, so much as for his unbridled enthusiasm. Straight guys talking to girls are most always a bit more guarded."

    Posted by Mike S September 4, 09 04:58 PM
  1. I agree with PM that you may be more attractive than you realize. I can remember my brother pointing out to me women that he thought were attractive, and they often struck *me* as kind of average, or cute but not knockouts. And I'd ask him about someone that I thought he'd find really attractive, and he'd kind of shrug and say, "she's okay, I guess." Point being, we don't necessarily have a great idea about what the opposite sex will find attractive, and guessing what a specific person will like is kind of a crap shoot.

    Don't underestimate how much confidence contributes to attractiveness. And if you do end up going out with him, do *not* focus on feeling like you're not as attractive as he is. He might not think that at all, but if you keep saying it, he might come to believe it.

    Back in college, I dated a guy who was not especially handsome, but I was attracted to him (what can I say, I have a thing for skinny nerdy guys with curly hair). But he was forever saying that he thought he was too ugly to be with me (not that I'm a bombshell, but I'm generally attractive). It got really old, really fast. At some point, I couldn't help thinking that maybe he was right. It's not the reason we broke up, but it certainly didn't help matters.

    Posted by HinB September 4, 09 05:28 PM
  1. Hi, it's Braniac weighing in again. I still say go for it.
    I married a Mediterranean hottie (think Antonio Banderas with green eyes, sexy accent the whole bit! Yowza!) Much like you, I met him at a party. We really hit it off and basically 'closed the bar'-talking all night until we headed our separate ways home at 4 AM. I was surprised that he even noticed me-never mind dated and ultimately married me. He had gobs of chicks after him (ugh)-but he wanted me!
    And Mere is right-brains and personality make a all difference.
    I am attractive, but so weren't a lot of women around him. Better yet I was smart and funny. I had a PhD, a post-doc and a wicked sense of humor -he was totally turned on and still is (16 years and counting!)
    I was a darn good catch and you are, too. He's lucky.
    Enjoy your calendar boy.

    Posted by Braniac September 4, 09 05:41 PM
  1. Hi DAASH; I feel your angst. I’m a 40yo cute, funny, intelligent, geeky, highly-educated professional. Since infancy I’ve had a disability (including, yes, deformity) which is usually pretty obvious to anyone who’s interacted with me for more than a few minutes. I’m not drop-dead gorgeous, and I’m definitely NOT a supermodel. I didn’t date a soul in high school or college because I thought basically all guys were out of my league. Instead, I pined away after crushes. Come to find out, my SENIOR YEAR in college, my best friend told me that she’d been surveying guys in our group of friends, some of whom I had or had had crushes on, and that several of them could not believe her when she told them I didn’t think I was attractive or sexy. “She HAS to know she’s sexy,” was the most common response, apparently, including from one guy who I considered drop-dead, GQ gorgeous. Apparently several of these guys would have dated me if they had had the slightest inkling that I could be interested. More shockingly, some of them thought I was out of THEIR league.

    My point: if guys can think it about me, I’m certain a bunch of them think it about you, especially given the way you write. So pretty yourself up in that look-good-feel-good way, use what you’ve got, and find out more about this guy. Yeah, he may be seeing someone else. Yeah, he may be gay. He may be straight and unattached yet not be the right fit for some other reason that has nothing to do with Renaissance lit or relative hot-ness. Or he may be your one and only. Don’t be afraid to find out. You’ll never know if you don’t try.

    Posted by now happily married to a guy a bit hotter than I September 4, 09 06:02 PM
  1. Oh I'm glad DAASH wrote back. Another round of ammunition to go off of.

    "To all of the 'this chick has no self-esteem!' and 'this chick is stuck up' posters...I have LOTS of healthy self-esteem regarding my mental and social skills. I'm educated, intellectually curious, gainfully and happily employed, have an amazing group of friends, and really feel comfortable talking to anyone (which, honestly, Mr. Smokin' Hottie may have liked--I know women who wanted to talk to him but didn't have the gumption)."

    Clearly you've taken offense to the TRUTH! You are standing behind a bunker of BS! That's what I think. You have been shot at so many times you don't know what bullet is coming from which direction and not to mention the grenades, mortars, rockets - bunker busters - the whole thing. Yes, for one person to fire at you is one thing, but for the majority of LL commentors to agree that you have NO SELF-ESTEEM is absolutely correct! You can't hide from the TRUTH. You can't HANDLE the TRUTH (apologies to the Jack Nicholson character in "A Few Good Men").

    "I'm working on the romantic confidence...I am overweight (but hired a kick-ass trainer, have lost 40 lbs, and am working on the rest), but I've had pretty decent luck dating. I'm sooooo open on what I find physically attractive because I'm really looking for someone I can have fun with and learn with and play in the outdoors with for the next, oh, 60 years (and as one reader pointed out, most of us are going to be on the downward slide by 50...so a hottie now may not be for long). However, I think it's realistic to understand that other people may be far less permissive...and I wanted some other opinion than my own dark little 'he'll never like you!' "

    The nice side of me should congratulate you on your progress so far but you know what? This is another bunker of BS - you claim to have decent luck but that's all you're getting - dates. You don't have a boyfriend because a) you don't want to settle down and commit to one guy and b) and to borrow a quote from our group - "why buy the bull if you get the meat for free?" You know what you want. I don't. But I know one thing: Go on and keep telling yourself that you can't have him. That's one lie that you will believe and will actually come true because no sane woman will ever tell themselves they can't do something and then do it. What a backward motivation! Reverse psychology major, DAASH? Go on. Claim that you are ugly and others will agree. You've lost all respect here by posting again.

    Good riddance.

    Posted by supersonic BLAST man! September 4, 09 06:15 PM
  1. DAASH—thank you for submitting your letter. I am in a similar situation. I am a cute (7-8 in attractiveness), 5’4 woman, who is a plump 220lbs. I mention this because a man who is a complete “10” is currently interested in me. Like you, I was initially extremely intimidated, and wondered what the heck he would see in me when he could easily be with someone more polished and more perfect. I thought he was with me just to “get some.” So, to test this, I took him off the pedestal I had him on and instead of a god, started to view him as just a guy. By changing my perspective, I was able to take off my blinders and to hear why he was attracted to me in the first place. In the past six weeks, he has told me ad nauseam how smart, educated, beautiful, and nice he thinks I am and how he can’t believe how lucky HE is that I chose to be with HIM! The lesson? Even the “10’s” have their insecurities and those insecurities will blind them from seeing your flaws. Trust me, the pedestal my guy has me on is higher than the John Hancock Building, so he doesn’t even see my rolls, cellulite, or stretch marks.

    Lastly, if it makes you feel any better, according to the June 4, 2006 Boston Globe article entitled, “Single-Minded”, 53.6% of all the men in Boston are single and never-married. This means that there are more single men in this city than there are single women, so you definitely have room to be choosy. Regardless of your appearance, the burden of competition for attracting a mate in this city is on the men. Use this statistic to your advantage. A man will treat you better if he knows he can easily be replaced. Good luck!

    Posted by littlepoet September 4, 09 06:21 PM
  1. Fast forward 20 years and things will even out between you. I used to be a hottie way back when I was in my 20s. When I started dating a very average looking guy, my friends kept telling me I could do better. Well, I married him and guess what, 20 years later with a few gray hairs and wrinkles, we're probably pretty even on the looks scale.

    By contrast, Renaissance lit has been mighty fine since, well, the Renaissance, so if you've got that in common, go for it.

    Posted by Isolda September 4, 09 06:25 PM
  1. Hot guys don't like fat chicks. They just like the grilled cheese sandwiches they make. Prepare to be used and then thrown away like trash.

    Posted by Dumb Broad September 4, 09 06:27 PM
  1. hmmmm let's think about this one. Hot, single guy who was really into an ugly chick and got excited about Renaissance literature. GAY.

    I am a hot guy or at least thats what i have been told. I will never settle for anything below a 7. And when I cant get something better than a 7 for free, I will buy them.

    P.S. people from Boston are the most miserable people in the United States. I have lived in ever major city.

    Posted by Id rather live in Iraq than boston September 4, 09 06:30 PM
  1. I say get to the F'ing before he realizes that you're a pig and moves on more attractive women

    Posted by Pluto Nash September 4, 09 06:42 PM
  1. Thanks for writing back in DAASH. You sound great - email the guy, suggest a drink or coffee. Who knows what will happen? Maybe you'll end up with a long term romance, maybe a new pal. You sound like you hit it off, so just go for it.

    Oh, and btw - you mention his best friends, so I assume they are friends - or at least acquaintances - of yours. If you're uncomfortable about making the first approach with this guy, could you find out from them what his impressions were of you, and whether he might be interested/available?

    Oh, and in the way of anecdotal evidence - I once was acquainted with a couple in which the husband was extraordinarily hot. Fantastic body, gorgeous face, hair, etc. His wife was, to put it kindly, 'plain'. She was a tad unkempt, overweight and didn't dress well at all. But they were very much in love (I think they had been married for at least 8 years at the time that I knew them). They actually seemed sort of oblivious to the extreme difference in physical attractiveness. So - who knows. As others have pointed out (well, other than the juvenile '9 out of 10 guys care only about looks' posters), we all find different 'packages' attractive. Good luck!

    Posted by Cathy September 4, 09 06:52 PM
  1. This is a guy wants another guy...Be smart when you advice

    Posted by Ding - Dong September 4, 09 07:07 PM
  1. You know what I find hot? People who know the difference between "your" and "you're."

    Posted by Frico September 4, 09 07:20 PM
  1. You know the saying, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so maybe he is totally hot to you, and not necessarily to others and you are totally hot to him, and not yourself! Go for it, cuz life is not a dress rehearsal.

    And to " i'd rather live in Iraq than Boston" you may be totally hot (your words) but you're obviously a shallow asshole and the many of us who are not miserable in Boston would like to see miserable, shallow assholes such as yourself go live in Iraq!

    Posted by Megan September 4, 09 07:45 PM
  1. I know this is late in the day. Hope you get this. I didn't read what everyone wrote. But I have to tell you a true story.

    I worked with a guy (quite a bit younger than most of us) every woman in the office loved him. Besides being smart, cool, very nice, he was hands down extremely good looking. I don't think he got that about himself. I always heard about his girlfriend and he always had such nice and respectful things to say about her. I finally met her at a company picnic, guess what she was less than average looking and not thin, but after you talked to her you understood the attraction. They got married last weekend. His postings on FB were all about how lucky he was... Good luck

    Posted by chrissy September 4, 09 07:45 PM
  1. You may be reading too much into having an conversation with a man at a party and him excepting your friendship request on FB.

    Posted by citykitty617 September 4, 09 08:15 PM
  1. "That said, if things with Mr. Gorgeous don't work out, I hope the letter writer will consider the 'overlooked' guys (ie., late bloomers, shy guys, slayingly funny with a few extra pounds, etc.)."

    I wouldn't be surprised if she already considered them and already got rejected by the ones she approached.

    Sadly, some of those "overlooked" guys throw themselves at bimbos who throw themselves at jerks, get rejected, and claim "nice guys finish last because women want jerks!!!" while they're being jerks instead of nice to women like the letter writer (for example, claiming that all women want jerks is treating women like the letter writer as though they don't even exist).

    Posted by Leslie September 4, 09 08:21 PM
  1. DAASH, Thanks so much for your unique and HONEST submission! I'm an avid reader of the love letters blog, but almost never comment, I'm making an exception here.

    I am not a "good looking" person. I am currently with a man who I have been with for 5 years who is extremely handsome, funny, smart, and gainfully employed. When we first began dating, I was constantly asking myself whether this could last, or if he would suddenly realize that he was out of my league and cut and run. Over some time I realized that some guys are not shallow, and some guys place way more value in personality attributes than physical beauty. He tells me every day how gorgeous I am and how much he loves me, and I wonder how I got so incredibly lucky. I asked him not too long ago what drew him to me in the first place - he told me that I was confident, funny, and smart...and that that made me incredibly attractive to him. The most beautiful woman in the world can be terribly unattractive if she has low self esteem, or if she has the personality of a doorknob. On the flip side, I get the impression that even if you don't consider yourself any more than average looking, you're extremely bright, insightful, and kind. Maybe he wasn't always the perfect looking guy he is today. Maybe he knows what it's like to not always get the girl, or knows what it feels like to be rejected based solely on physical appearance. Or maybe he's just an ordinary, hot guy, who sees you for the amazing woman you are, and not the fact that you still have a few pounds to shed.

    Just wanted to send a personal comment and let you know that it IS possible to be less-than-average looking and land a hottie with a personality to match. Go for it, and if you get rejected, so be it. But if you land a date with this guy, walk in to it with confidence and have an awesome time - you deserve it.

    Posted by EB September 4, 09 08:34 PM
  1. @ Greg Murphy, et al:

    What's with putting down 50 year olds+? Anyone of any age can look great if they eat well, exercise, & take care of their skin, & I'm living proof. I'm 50, I look 30's, and I date guys in their 30's - cuz guys my own age have rarely kept themselves up. My own brother told me (shocked, by the way, he hadn't seen me in years) that I looked exactly the same in high school. I actually think I'm in better shape (5'6", 118#, never smoked) - I definitely exercise more.

    So those of you who are resigned to "going downhill" - it's not a given. Most of that is in YOUR power.

    And DAASH, I hope you get your man - or vice-versa! ;)

    Posted by JulieD September 4, 09 08:40 PM
  1. I think that attraction is very subjective........sometimes I don't find people attractive, even though I know technically they're handsome......I dated a guy for 4 years who was handsome. I never thought that I was quite on his level......until I looked at pictures of myself from my late teens/early twenties and realized that I was good-looking. Women are trained from a very early age to strive for perfection which is unattainable. It sounds like you're being too hard on yourself. You won't know if this guy is interested if you talk yourself out of it by being insecure.

    Posted by windupbird September 4, 09 08:49 PM
  1. Hmmm. Well, you never know.

    You are now FB friends. Give it around 2 weeks and then comment on something on his page. Make sure you have something pertinent AND witty to say before you do. Maybe within the next week make another innocuous comment like "I agree with this" to something else. Just keep yourself on his radar.

    My feeling is, if he's interested in you and thinks you are funny, etc., just keep yourself there. Not chasing him, not stalking him, just there.

    I do worry about the hot guy syndrome. I will never forget a nerd girl in college who got a "hot girl" makeover between fr/soph years and jun/sen years and she ditched all her old friends, broke the heart of her first 2 year boyfriend and generally became a total Capital B. Never forget that Hot Guy probably knows he's hot and might just have been scoping you out for "easy sex" ... not my term, but can't say it doesn't exist.

    Again with FB ... look at all his friends. Is there clearly an inordinate amt of bar friends in his friends list? Girls Gone Wild? Red Flag.

    Interesting broad-based friends list, lots of family members, etc.? Green Light. Or, he could be Gay.

    Sorry this is such a superficial answer, but you have only met the guy once. So, superficial question.

    Posted by SarahJane September 4, 09 09:04 PM
  1. Why the snap-judgement posts that the guy must be gay? All you know about him is that he's good looking, enjoys french literature, spent an entire evening talking to a woman, and uses facebook. Just because he didn't try to rip her clothes off that night doesn't mean he's not interested in women. Why is it that if a man isn't interested in one particular woman (not saying this guy is or isn't into "Dreaming..."), it's assumed he's gay? It's similar to how some straight men are afraid to be around gay men because they assume they're being lusted after ... not every person (straight or gay) is attracted to every other person, and it has no bearing on their sexual orientation.

    Posted by mike September 4, 09 09:11 PM
  1. Um, he's gay.

    Posted by Alexander September 4, 09 09:17 PM
  1. Shabbat Shalom, valentino. And (to blatently copy you) to the handsome and talented Globe religion reporter, Michael Paulson.

    Hot - Frank Langella; and that guy who played The Equalizer and was in Breaker Morant (not gorgeous, but have paid their dues studying their craft)
    Not - Brad Pitt; Tom Cruise (pretty boys who can't act, but what the heck, they're wank fodder)

    Posted by reindeergirl September 4, 09 09:29 PM
  1. Show me a beautiful girl and I'll introduce you to at least five men who can't stand her. (same goes here).

    You have ever chance in the world, so get after it.

    Posted by joe September 4, 09 10:08 PM
  1. @202 littlepoet - "cute" and 220 lbs. do not compute. Ever. Enjoy the ahem ... sturdy pedestal on which you've been hoisted if you can.
    LW - boyfriend is gay - he "looooves" Renaissance lit. Wake up and godspeed.

    Posted by Beatrice September 4, 09 10:28 PM
  1. It is your Brain-controlit and find Joy Agnes

    Posted by Agnes September 5, 09 01:34 AM
  1. All of this is moot at this point, because he's shown no actual interest. If he likes you, he'll want to ask you out. It's as simple as that. Stop showing interest immediately. Stop speculating about, well, everything - very high school, very unattractive, and it will show through.

    You've already taken your chance by showing interest (good convo at the party) and being available (fb friend). Now leave it to him already and you'll have your answer. I think you will be sorely disappointed if you make the first move, and it will affirm all of your neurotic fears about your appearance.

    Posted by Jetta September 5, 09 01:42 AM
  1. It is rare, but there are people who have had such a healthy upbringing that they are actually unaware of their kiss from God in physical attractiveness. The emphasis was on character, meaning, knowledge and joy. And then there's the "love map" thing. You may look like his Mom.... and he only got his looks from the combination of Mom and Dad. With either of these dynamics, there are things about you turn that him on as much as his looks and personality turn you on. Keep us posted!

    Posted by ally33 September 5, 09 01:43 AM
  1. Is there anything more obnoxious than a dude who thinks he's
    hot,
    see Rico

    'dith, do your militant marxist feminist masters at the school of womens studies also endorse giving up the goods on date # 1


    Posted by fear the fish September 5, 09 02:32 AM
  1. Is he a Patriots fan? Can he talk sports or cars at length, with a sense of confidence and in detail. Does he prefer DOGS (or cats)? The pieces aren't usually complicated, but it's important to put them together. Does his apartment look "decorated"? And so on.

    If you're worried about him passing the Gay Test, the above items should give you the answer. If he's not str8, move on.

    Posted by Tom September 5, 09 04:09 AM
  1. No one can predict who will be attracted to another person. If you are interested, let him know that you are around for coffee some time. If he picks up on it, then see where it goes. If not, then move on.

    But don't underestimate yourself. Attractiveness is far more subjective and varied than the fashion magazines would make you think.

    Posted by Flowers September 5, 09 08:38 AM
  1. If you really like him you'll have to accept that you might just be friends. He could be gay. He could be a gorgeous guy who is "just being nice" like the Brady/Matt Damon Poster said. Either way, I'll wager he has no idea what you are talking about, thinking and barely remembers you. I don't say this to be mean, I say this because that's how young guys are. If he was into you that way... you'd know it! Doesn't mean you still can't try... just ask yourself if you can be friends with him even if he has a hottie on his arm (male or female). Don't you just go for looks either!!!

    Posted by BossMum September 5, 09 08:48 AM
  1. Leslie FTW. Seriously.

    Posted by PM September 5, 09 10:36 AM
  1. #205: Right on! They give miserable a whole new meaning, which is why I tend to only read responses from Meredith, Sally, Valentino, Rico & Hoss. Intelligent answers without the nasty undercurrent. Best of luck to DAASH!

    Posted by Nada September 5, 09 12:54 PM
  1. I am SO not a "hot" girl but I have to tell you that people notice me because I am confident. I play up the parts that are great - my personality, my smile, my eyes and my hair; I love to laugh, can keep a secret, sm pretty intelligent and am a positive person in general and love going out and having fun etc.. I am heavy but even back when I dated (I am married with a child), it never stopped me from going after a guy if I liked him (well, back then I was just a litle plump - 5'6" and was about 155-160 - I am heavier now but wokring on it - losing it - and am down 30 pounds from my heaviest...).
    Things have been rocky at home a bit and when I said to a male friend I feared being 40+ and alone, he said without pausing that I never would be - he said I am the kind of womam a guy would pounce on in a second even though I am older, a Mom, etc. This from a "hot", 29 year-old!!

    Posted by Trixie September 5, 09 01:27 PM
  1. What's the big deal? And what a bunch of crock. Women decide whether they'll sleep with a guy ten seconds after they meet. And if you take her out to dinner and she's already decided she's going to sleep with you, believe me, she's wearing "date" underwear. We guys don't have a clue. Chances are neither does he.

    Posted by WithoutAClue September 5, 09 03:25 PM
  1. FWIW, I was always considered pretty attractive by women/girls; never had a problem getting dates. (Age has hit me as hard as anyone else.) When it came time to settle down with my soulmate, I chose a girl who was considered quite overweight but with a great personality. (She made me laugh, still does). I thought then (and still think) that she is beautiful, inside and out. We have been married over 30 years. Follow your heart.
    PS- now SHE is the one who gets stares from the opposite sex. Nice people age gracefully.

    Posted by aging cynic September 5, 09 04:00 PM
  1. Following up on JulieD, #215: DAASH, I was happy to read that you had already begun working with a trainer and were losing weight and that this was not connected with meeting Mr. Wonderful. I am waaay over 50. I will admit to having good genes, but I love to work out, run, and swim. I'm still employed full-time because I want to be. You are too young to think about this yet, but I particularly love the realization that I don't have to sit down and turn into an old person. I am in a very happy second marriage-- when I was 60, I married a 50-year-old. So whatever happens with your love life, another lesson here is to keep on taking care of yourself. You sound like a very accomplished, sensitive, capable young woman--you'll be fine. Go for it with Mr. W.

    Posted by HoneyBee September 5, 09 04:33 PM
  1. It's funny how this broad who doesn't want to be judged on her looks, in fact judges other people based on looks. Why would any guy want to date a hypocrit?

    Posted by Dumb Broad September 5, 09 05:08 PM
  1. I say ask him out! As strange is this may sound, he may not see himself as "hot," which makes him a total catch!

    Posted by Rosie September 5, 09 07:03 PM
  1. there is nothing sexier than a smart charming woman. Don't worry about relative looks. Interest him sustainably and you are all set. I am a handsome fit and successful man who knows what the best choices in life are

    Posted by been there September 5, 09 09:27 PM
  1. hmm. cute and 220 pounds does not compute.

    And yeah, guys all fee differently about looks, but weight - less so. There are chubby chasers, but most guys are as prejudiced against fat girls as girls are prejudiced against short guys.

    I don't watch sports, don't own a TV, decorate my apartment and am straight. Though I grant my renaissance lit prof wasn't.

    And as an aside to some above, looks and personality and brains are not contradictory in women - my wife is known as "Dr. Hottie" and she's still nice and smart - I never found I had to have either brains or looks, they come together plenty of the time.

    Posted by backbayguy September 5, 09 09:39 PM
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    Posted by hazem al jaber September 6, 09 02:48 AM
  1. You're overthinking this. If he likes you, he'll contact you. It's that simple. You shouldn't have done the Facebook outreach....he should have found you. The minute you have to wonder whether a guy is interested, it usually means he's not. They're just not that complicated though we'd like to think they are.

    Posted by Beentheredonethat September 6, 09 09:53 AM
  1. I wouldn't contact him. Doesn't sound like he was all that interested if he didn't try to get your phone number before you left the party. You hunted him down on Facebook, he didn't find you and you didn't waste any time contacting me by asking him to be your "friend" - kinda shows you are in a hurry and makes you look desperate. I would NOT email him immediately and would NOT ask him for dinner... I agree with the person who said stop these high school letters and would like to add that Meredith should stop with the high school responses...if I got an email from a total stranger I met at a party I might feel as though I were being stalked!!!! Anyway, most men typically will bore quickly with women who show that they are so easily available. GROW UP!!! I can't stand reading these immature letters asking for such stupid advice. Not even sure why I continue reading this column...guess because it is so ridiculous that I get a kick out of it.

    Posted by daizy September 6, 09 08:36 PM
  1. LW, thank you for the update. I gave a negative response to your letter because I am cynical. I have seen every type of guy being treated like crap by their "beautiful" girlfriends/wives. I wonder how they ended up with these devil b@#%*+es and realize being shallow plus having low self esteem must be the reasons. Best of luck with the hottie! You have nothing to lose...

    #222, you live in Somerville. I know you... Your husband effs fat chicks when your sons and you aren't home. *snap*

    Aging Cynic: VERY much needed to read your story. Congrats on being married for 30 years. I wish you many more years of wedded bliss...


    Posted by Amazed September 6, 09 09:10 PM
  1. "You shouldn't have done the Facebook outreach....he should have found you."

    Victorian much? Sheesh, even Jane Eyre, who, had she been real, would have lived during the Regency period or earlier, did her share of chasing Mr. Rochester.

    Playing hard to get rarely works. The other person assumes you're not interested. Let alone your two-centuries old moralism.

    Posted by reindeergirl September 6, 09 10:28 PM
  1. I'm having the same issue. I'm seeing a guy who is constantly being asked to model. It has happened when we've been out together and it made me feel totally self-conscious. While I think fixed and put together I look pretty good, it can still be a little intimidating. I'm 5'4'' and not being approached for modeling gigs so how do I manage? I think the trick is not getting wide-eyed at the sight of him. Pretend you don't even notice he's drop dead gorgeous. You need to make sure you let him know that you don't think looks are everything, his looks included.

    Posted by SayItHowISeeIt September 6, 09 11:19 PM
  1. I would sincerely doubt that Rico "has that GQ cover look".
    Please ban Rico.

    Posted by Bailey September 7, 09 01:21 PM
  1. J Crew hot? Man, have you got warped taste in men! J Crew is luke warm at best. But I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which moots your entire dilemma.

    Posted by Beastly Beauty September 7, 09 02:08 PM
  1. I can't help looking forward into the future. You and he connect, and a relationship builds. You're out at a bar/restaurant/grocery store and some good-looking broad starts flirting with your guy, yet again. You feel horribly unattractive, yet again. Later, when you're alone, he insists he loves only you but you are worried... yet again. Hmmm...

    Posted by Self-Esteem-Issues-Don't-Go-Away-That-Easily September 7, 09 04:32 PM
  1. I'm J. Crew and I date the average looking. They're more grateful, they don't cheat, and when I dump em, they accept it, because after all, they were only average. What can an average grrrl expect? Best of all, in bed, average women are #2. They try harder.

    Posted by jim September 7, 09 06:12 PM
  1. I'm J. Crew and I date the average looking. They're more grateful, they don't cheat, and when I dump em, they accept it, because after all, they were only average. What can an average grrrl expect? Best of all, in bed, average women are #2. They try harder.

    Posted by jim September 7, 09 06:14 PM
  1. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, and I consider myself a 5 (maybe a 6 on a good day) and he's a perfect 10. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, but in one of his most honest moments, I asked him why he picked me the night we met when I was with 6 of my girlfriends and they were all very attractive and he said," Honestly, you seemed like you would be more fun in bed." I'm not 100% sure what that meant, but I take it as a compliment and also think a great personality translates into a lot more for a guy.

    Posted by molly September 7, 09 08:34 PM
  1. You have plenty to offer for this guy, or any guy. It's obvious you have brains, and you look much better than you say here. What's he got going for him? A J. Crew sweater? You need to loosen this guy up. He's dressing like a fool, of course, probably grabbed that sweater on sale at Filene's Basement, where he works as a janitor or something. You're educated. Let him know you're playing the field, have lots of love interests all over the globe; then see how fast he falls at you feet, begging you for a date and all like that. Don't be surprised if he's gay, or into the AC-DC circuit. Ask him if he spends wekends in Provincetown. Don't go charmin' no pants off of wastes of time. If he hasn't read Heidegger, drop him right away. He doesn't sound your type. Make him wear a tank-top to a fancy supper club, see how that goes. Make him do your bidding, hear? A few lashes with a bullwhip will get that J. Crew guy right in line, make him transfer from Harvard to Radcliffe in no time.

    Posted by Chucky Burles September 8, 09 09:00 AM
  1. Get a little self confidence....sheesh

    Weak sauce

    Posted by no September 8, 09 09:44 AM
  1. You shouldn't go for him.

    Men don't like women with low self esteem. Seriously, you'll always have this in the back of your mind and he'll sense your patheticness.

    Get some counseling because you don't think too highly of yourself.

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons September 8, 09 09:55 AM
  1. Do you look like his mom?
    j/k - Late to the party, but if you found a guy who is as good looking as you say and not full of himself, why not proceed? Sometimes sharing interests is enough to take another step.

    I like the renaissance lit reference because it conjures the stereotype of a drinker / womanizer who dazzles younger women out of their corsets by citing the few books he's read. However, we know nothing of this man except that his jawline meets your standards. Take the trip. Pay later (or not at all).
    Good luck.

    Posted by Brian September 8, 09 11:07 AM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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