Good chatting yesterday. Turns out, my use of the C-word (crap) was quite controversial. How exciting.
Usually, I don’t do much with my Twitter page, but today, I’ve posted some information about free movie tickets for Love Letters readers. If that sparks your interest, check out my Twitter here.
And now for today’s letter ….
Q: I really hope my question gets answered. I am a 33yo single gal. Moved to Boston from NYC 3 years ago to a new job, and to move in with my then boyfriend of five years. After one year of living together he left me. For me, this was bad. I ended up in therapy and took anti-depressants. I am much better now. Also, in the past two years I lost a lot of weight. I feel good about myself – except when it comes to dating. I have been single for over 2 years.
I have never been approached by a guy, asked out on a date, flirted with - nothing. Everyone says how good I look, yet I feel like something about me scare off men. At the moment I yearn for companionship, it’s been TWO years. But lately I have been feeling as if my ex rejected me, and so is the entire single men population of the world.
Is my yearning for companionship desperate? I am deathly afraid of approaching men – I do not know what to say, or how to act. I have literally 4 friends in Boston, all co-workers; they do not know any single men. Where do I start in putting myself out there?
Also I have tried online dating. Did not work.
– AtMyWitsEnd, Boston
A: AMWE, you are not desperate just because you want companionship. That’s a human need. All you are is human.
As for the whole “no men ever want me” line, you did have a boyfriend for five years, didn’t you? He must have flirted with you back then. He found you desirable. And now you’re an even better package – older, wiser, and in better physical shape, apparently.
I know you want an answer to the boyfriend problem, but I’m more concerned about your friend drought. If you can find some more social connections in the city, you’ll feel better about yourself, you’ll have more opportunities to meet romantic partners, and you'll have a good support system, which is what you need.
Can you focus on the friend issue for the moment? That’s what I recommend. I also recommend not making this boyfriend drought mean more than it should. Love Letters readers will tell you that going two years without a boyfriend isn’t so uncommon. It happens. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are not wearing an invisible sign that says “Stay Away.”
But you could use a better network. My gut tells me that once you start working on that, you’ll feel better about approaching men, you’ll feel better about Boston, and you’ll be less lonely, in general.
Putting yourself out there is incredibly scary if there’s no one to eat a burrito with after a bad date (or a good one). Start joining some clubs (young professional associations, etc.) to find some pals before you worry about anything else.
Readers? She says she’s never approached by guys? Do you believe it? Is that so uncommon? Is this a self-esteem issue? Am I right about her needing fiends? Help out here. Letters to the right.