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Should I trust him?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 8, 2009 10:10 AM

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Good weekend? Hope so.

I think I might change the name of this blog to “I-Checked-My-Significant-Other’s-E-Mails-And-Now-I’m-Miserable Letters.” Although, it’s just not as catchy as Love Letters. And I don't think it would fit on the top of the website. We'll just have to keep the status quo, I guess.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I live with my boyfriend. I moved to Mass. 2 years ago to be with him. I really love him – he is really great – very cute and mature, but can be really funny and silly, and thoughtful and considerate. He has a good job and really does a lot around the house. He really treats me well and my friends and family love him. I knew I would never find someone like him again which is why I didn’t have many reservations moving 800 miles to be with him, and for the most part I'm really happy. I was also ready for a new city and a new job so the move just sounded fun and so far it has been great.

However, my boyfriend recently got a Blackberry and I started reading his emails, something I like to think I would have never done before, but they were just so ... available. I found one I didn’t like, a joke to a friend about a hot girl at a bar and would I (his gf) ever find out if he cheated ... this was sent a weekend I was away. My boyfriend said he would never ever really cheat -- he was just joking around, that he was sorry I read it, but that I shouldn't snoop. I believed him, he is a really good guy that I love and trust, so I tried to get over it. ... but it really freaked me out and made me doubt his integrity and sort of internally criticize everything in the relationship and whether or not he really loved me. I wallowed in it a few days, but then moved on. He put a password on his phone and I was sort of glad not to have the temptation b/c I knew I had violated his privacy and would be upset if he did that to me ... so I just chalked it up to him being a jerk and me being equally jerky by snooping.

But then, a few weeks later, he tells me about some strange, suggestive emails he got from a girl that he and a coworker responded to, to try and figure out who it was. He said it was no big deal, but I was curious and guessed the password, hacked into the phone and read them. Crazy, I know, but with my trust already shaken I had to find out. Turns out, he responded rather suggestively to the emails when he thought they might be from a former intern he had worked with. He assures me that he never would have done anything, and admits they were very disrespectful (which is why he didn’t want me to see them) but he just wanted to figure out who it was harassing him, but that he never did and he assumes it was just spam and is never writing back again. The address is now turned off. But I just can't get past it. I mean, he said dirty things about liking this girl (the emails said "I want to make sure you're into me before I reveal my identity"-- ugh) and he specifically mentioned to the phantom e-mailer they could meet up the next weekend (when I was out of town)! He said this was to get the person to say who they were, and that if he found out it WAS this intern he would have said "you're crazy I have a girlfriend, leave me alone." But why didn’t he say that at first if that is what he meant???

I made him move out a couple days- during which he reassured me of his love and admitted he should have been more respectful and forgave me for snooping and freaking out (I completely lost it when I read the emails and broke a picture frame).. .but said I should trust him if I live with him and assume the best, not the worst. I guess he is right; I'd want that from him. I love him and do not want to break up especially if he didn't even actually cheat. If he had cheated, I think it would definitely be over. But it still is pretty weird, I mean I do love and trust him but people can always let you down, no one can be 100% sure that they would never cheat. So what do I do now? I mean, best case scenario this was just a joke with him and his coworker egging each other on. Whatever. Worst case scenario, he really did like the girl and would have cheated but changed his mind at the last minute... he denies this, but I can't stop wondering if it is true and if so, is it wise to continue in this relationship to get my heartbroken later?

I love him and think he is a great guy and wish I could always assume the best, but I really am not so sure this time and am starting to have serious doubts. During the time he moved out I thought about getting my own place in Mass. and being on my own and I'm OK with that. I've been through a lot of rough stuff in my life and this would really suck, but I know I could get over it and be fine. But, I love him and don't want to do that, I want to stay with him and be with him so I'm going to-- but how do I stop freaking out? It really hurts and makes me feel so sad and pathetic. I feel stupid for snooping, I would be furious if he did that to me. I'm sure it would hurt him, too, to see I emailed an old friend about missing an ex sometimes, but that is why email is private and you shouldn’t invade your significant other's privacy. I get that. But, I already did it and now I'm stuck replaying it in my mind constantly and analyzing "well since he said that THIS way, maybe it means it WASNT a joke....." It is a bad situation certainly, but is it something I need to end a relationship over? When we talk about it, he reassures me nothing happened, he didn't like the girl, would never cheat, and ends it by saying there is nothing else he can do or say I have to decide if I trust him. My friends and family say he is a good guy so I don't think I'm being an oblivious idiot by staying, but I just feel so insecure and shaken and I don't know how to get past it or if I even should. It has been awhile and it is not getting better and I'm starting to lose confidence in myself -- I feel like it isn't fair to dump him over my suspicions, I'm not even sure I believe he did anything wrong, but I also know I can't keep going on like this. I used to be a calm, happy person, in a great relationship... and now I'm a paranoid freak who is considering moving out just to stop worrying.

– Blackberry Ruined My Life

A: BRML, I don’t know whether you should break up with him. But here’s what I do know: I get many letters from people who check their significant other’s e-mails and texts only to find what they feared most – that their partner is cheating, or at the very least, flirting.

Flirting isn’t so bad. It’s not the best, but it’s not the worst.

There are many people – men and women -- who never give up flirting. No matter how committed they are in a relationship, they’ll still wink at the cute cashier at the drug store, or flip their hair seductively when they see someone attractive on the T. Maybe they’ll even send a suggestive text. They’re not bad people – they just need to participate in the world of attraction, even if that just means prolonged eye contact with someone they’ll never talk to.

To partner up with a professional flirter is a complicated thing. You have to have thick skin. You have to feel as though there’s a real friendship and trust that prevents any emotional or physical cheating. I’m not sure your guy is a professional flirter (PF), but it’s something to consider. Often, PF’s are much adored by families and friends. That’s because the PF’s are flirting with them.

Your immediate goal, regardless of whether your boyfriend is a PF, is to avoid the accusatory tone when you talk to him about all of this. The first text to his friend about a hot girl at a bar doesn’t raise any red flags for me, really. The only real red flag is the suggestive message to his anonymous co-worker about getting together. That one crosses the line.

You should tell your boyfriend that you’re concerned about both of you. Was your move to Massachusetts too much pressure on him? Did it up his level of commitment before he was ready? Or are these texts simply evidence that he’s a PF? Keep a soft voice when you ask these questions so you get some honest answers. Tell him that you don’t like what this has turned you both into – a possible cheater and a jealous, spying girlfriend. See if you can be constructive as a team to avoid becoming “that couple.” Your first paragraph suggests you have the potential to be more than that. You just want to make sure you’re not buying into a lie.

You should know this: Even non-PFs say gross things to their friends about cute people in bars. Even non-PFs will, at some point in their lives, do or say something that falls under the umbrella of creepy. We’re all human. This is why our significant others should stay away from our personal e-mails. It’s best for them not to see these moments of weaknesses and immaturity.

Ask the right questions – in the right tone – and go with your gut. If your gut tells you to go, your family and friends will support you once you explain it to them (hopefully). If your gut tells you to stay, start believing in yourself and stay away from e-mails that aren’t meant for you.

Readers? Are his texts a gateway drug for cheating? Is he simply a professional flirter? Is her spying ruining this relationship? Share here. Twit here.

– Meredith


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215 comments so far...
  1. Deja vu all over again. I hope that the people who haven't yet snooped learn something from all of these letters.

    As for the LW, I don't think she should move out; there's just no grounds, and the BF sounds like a keeper. Plus, moving out would pretty much ensure that her BF gets together with someone else. What she should do is make a Cold Turkey decision never to invade anyone's privacy again. We ALL have private selves and private desires and we all deserve to keep them that way.

    Posted by Sasha September 8, 09 10:33 AM
  1. Curiosity killed the....

    relationship.

    Break up with him. Focus on your own self esteem issues so that the next relationship you're in doesn't suffer. If you can't help yourself from snooping, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

    Meredith- I think you should respond to these nut cases individually with a standard response.....otherwise you really should change the name of the blog. The frequency of these snooping letters is getting a bit ridiculous.

    Posted by Mac September 8, 09 10:33 AM
  1. Ugh, just NEVER check your significant other's emails! In my book, it's an immediate cause for dismissal. No questions asked. You're lucky he didn't boot you. He should. It's just completely wrong.

    Posted by LR September 8, 09 10:35 AM
  1. Oh boy......this again.

    Look, just because someone's private conversations are so 'available' doesn't mean what you did was OK.
    You opened the can of proverbial worms and now you are doing emotional cart-wheels because of it. It doesn't sound to me like he is cheating. If he was, there would be other signs or warnings that I'm sure you would have noticed. Worse-case scenario here is that he was flirting and playing games with this girl. Apologize for snooping, contingent on him apologizing for being a sneaky jerk, too.
    Let this be a lesson to both of you.

    Good luck,
    DrK

    Posted by DrK September 8, 09 10:36 AM
  1. very mature?

    Sorry honey, but you two and your relationship lack that. Maturity is respecting your siginificant other. Maturity is how you handle the situation. Maturity is owning up to your mistakes and learning from them.

    Do you wanna know when you can stop 'freaking out' and when you won't have to worry? When you grow up and enter a realtionship with another mature adult. These 'games' don't have to happen, and aren't in every relationship.

    No one here is going to smarten you two up, it's going to take your own trials and battles. I'm all for working through hard and difficult times, but if inappropriate behaviors aren't changed - it's time to move on.

    Posted by EastCoastGirl September 8, 09 10:36 AM
  1. Dear Blackberry Blamer,
    First thing you need to do is swallow a nice big Xanax, take a deep breath and stop talking. I need you to be quiet while I think about this. You remind me of one of twenty finches that hang out on the sidewalk near my apartment, squawking and chirping and never taking a break.

    Second, quit blaming the Blackberry. It's an inanimate object. You, on the other hand, even with all the flitting and flying about, are human and need to apologize to your boyfriend for being nuts.

    Third, please break up with this guy so that he can start living a normal life. I want him to write in a love letter so Meredith can titled it, "How do I get her to leave?"

    Finally, admit it was you who was the mystery emailer. You were trying to trick him into cheating on you. That's a very bad thing to do. Very very bad. Now go gobble up those Prozacs like birdseed.


    Posted by Sally September 8, 09 10:38 AM
  1. To answer Mer's question, the LW's spying is wrecking the relationship. The guy has done nothing out of the ordinary. The LW, however, has. She has broken a major, major rule of any good and healthy relationship by spying. I have enormous sympathy for the wife/partner/husband who searches because he or she knows in her/his gut the partner is cheating (although even then, why snoop for proof? Why not just trust your gut)? But we don't even have that. You had a happy relationship with a great guy, no problems to speak of. And yet you decided to comb through emails.

    Well, LW, you brought this misery on yourself and you've driven a big wedge in your relationship. Because he has forgiven you your snooping does not mean no damage has been done. You know what the damage is? He probably does not trust you anymore.

    But on to your "issue": the hot girl comment is harmless. Since when do people not joke about the hot girl/hot boy they see with friends? Get over it. He is going to think other women are attractive and sometimes, he'll joke with his friends about it. The other comment? Yes, it is a little creepy and disconcerting, But why on earth would you start assuming and worrying about the worst case scenario -- you are throwing over your entire 2 year relationship over one text, which you readily admit could just have been a poorly-thought-out joke? AND -- he *told* you about the suggestive email, and that he responded to figure out who it was. He was hiding nothing. Does that sound like a guy who was trying to cheat?

    Get a grip, lady, before he realizes how crazy you are and dumps you.

    Posted by jlen September 8, 09 10:39 AM
  1. Seriously... stop snooping. You say yourself you wouldn't want him reading your emails/ invading your privacy. Why are you invading his? The Blackberry didn't ruin your life, you did!

    Posted by EM September 8, 09 10:42 AM
  1. I can't believe the boyfriend hasn't broken up with the LW already for repeatedly sneaking into his email, making a mountain over a molehill and then making him move out for a few days.

    He sounds like a pretty good guy who probably deserves better than what the LW is giving him...

    Posted by ck September 8, 09 10:43 AM
  1. Break up with him...get your own place. You'll be happier. If he really wants you back, he knows how to get in touch with you.

    Posted by Sabs September 8, 09 10:43 AM
  1. "I knew I would never find someone like him again..." Uh-huh, Six Billion people on this planet, and you'll never be able to find anyone else. Are the letters lately coming from High School Freshman or something??? Tell the LW to simply stop dating until she is old enough to drink. Sheesh!

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 September 8, 09 10:44 AM
  1. I think there is only one angle of merit here. The definition of "flirting"...Remember that infamous intern who called it "flirting" when she pulled up the back of her skirt to reveal her thong underwear to a married man?

    Where I come from that is called "indecent exposure" and is NEVER innocent.

    So I know that what some call "flirting" is really "hunting" by somebody who never had any intention of remaining monogamous to the live-in.
    And not mature or honest enough to say so...

    Real flirting does NOT leave the partner in doubt of the relationship, it makes a fun moment with another person who also understands the same definition, but anybody who is this agonized about repeated behaviours should ask that "flirting" be defined. And start moving out.

    Posted by Irene September 8, 09 10:45 AM
  1. Personally I think you should break up with him, but not because of what he has or hasn't done. You are clearly lacking some self esteem and self confidence at this point. You need to re-think this entire episode and instead of wondering about him, refocus to look at yourself and what you need to work on as an individual. In fact, your desire to even include him in this mess can be attributed to the fact that you come across scared to look at your own inadequacies and insecurities. Like many other letters to this column, you are trying to fix the trim instead of the foundation. The foundation of the problem here was your insecurities to snoop - and those were fueled out of control by the results of your snooping. Try focusing on those first instead of questions what "could/would" happen if your boyfriend was put in the perfect position to cheat.

    You can only have a serious relationship with someone once you have your own feet planted and balanced. You clearly are not based on the results of your snooping.

    Posted by spaceman September 8, 09 10:47 AM
  1. Further proof that email is addictive for all parties involved. He became addicted to e-flirting, you became addicted to e-snooping. Neither of you should be acting this way, but I almost can't fault you since, well, email is so addictive.

    Long for the days when we had to do all this by phone, and couldn't, and so things were more sane.

    I have no advice for you and your situation, but I will tell a tale. Once upon a time, my ex worried that I *might* cheat, even though I never did. She left me over that neurosis-- and when the next GF came along, I did cheat, because if you're going to be convicted of the crime, you might as well commit it. I realize now that's a terrible attitude to have, and it took me a long while to get over it. But please understand how poisonous the idea of 'because you might cheat' really is.

    Posted by Joey September 8, 09 10:47 AM
  1. I think it's hard to un-know things. If it didn't bother you, it wouldn't. But it does. I suspect that if the text messages reflected his manner and behavior at other times, discovering them wouldn't have been upsetting. The fact that you were surprised by their content and nature suggests that there is a side to your relationship that you weren't aware of.

    When are people going to learn that the only chance of a truly private conversation happens between two people in person? And even then it's not guaranteed.

    Posted by Susan September 8, 09 10:49 AM
  1. "Those who can't trust can't be trusted..." Ben Folds

    Insecurity killed the relationship. Rent the DVD "The Five Senses". Write an essay about it. Learn... Move on...

    I don't know whether you should dump this guy or not but something needs to change. You either believe he hasn't cheated, build the trust again, heal, make your relationship stronger or not... It's really up to you but go with your gut. Maybe you both are too emotionally immature to be in a relationship.


    Posted by Amazed September 8, 09 10:49 AM
  1. I’m not in a relationship at the moment – but when I was I NEVER snooped. I had no desire. What I REALLY don’t understand is the girls (& 9 time out of 10 it’s the girl) who snoop, find something they don’t like, tell their BF, the BF gets defensive, makes up some cock-a-mamy excuse, & the girl buy it. Seriously?! If you're just gonna brush it under the rug - why bother snooping??? If you snoop & find something dirty – time to leave, do not pass go & do not collect your $200. I don’t care that he’s handsome, has a good job, etc., if ya can’t trust him (& clearly you can’t) it’ll never work.

    you either have to trust your BF enough NOT to snoop – but - if you have reason not to trust & you find something you don’t like – end it. PERIOD. You were suspect for a reason, you’ve found out for sure, you don’t like what’s going on. JUST GO. He will not change, he’ll just get better hiding stuff from you (like password protecting his blackberry??)

    Posted by polly September 8, 09 10:50 AM
  1. No. You don't love him. You love the man you thought he was.
    My guess - 90% of these responses are going to be a rant against snooping, with 10% against his possible cheating. If you didn't have thick skin before, today is going to be one of your worst days in recent memory. Good Luck!

    Snoopers and cheaters get no sympathy in this forum. He doesn't sound like a prize, and you can't handle it. And I'm not sure whether you need to break up immediately or if you deserve each other.
    Make sure you check back in to let us know how it goes!

    Welcome to Boston.

    Posted by Brian September 8, 09 10:51 AM
  1. Letters like this give girls a bad name. Insane. My guess is there's some serious confidence issues here. Everyone, STOP READING EMAILS/TEXTS.

    Posted by ally September 8, 09 10:52 AM
  1. LW,

    You should trust him

    You should NOT trust yourself

    What is wrong with you?

    Mind the boundaries..

    Every successful and healthy relationship is based on respect and you have none for your BF. Shame on you, you got what you deserved...

    Posted by older and wiser September 8, 09 10:52 AM
  1. I have no idea if this guy is trustworthy or not. People (men and women, both) make throw-away comments about the opposite sex all the time when out drinking with friends. And as for his correspondence with the Mystery Intern, why in the world would he tell you about the exchange if he was trying to hide something? Seems more than likely that he knew it was crossing the line and wanted to come clean by telling you. That's a good thing, in my book.

    Anyway, that's all irrelevant. Because wether he's trustworthy or not, you have serious jealousy issues. You spy and snoop on your boyfriend for no apparent reason and throw violent, jealous fits. Breaking things out of anger is a nutty thing to do. I have no idea why this guy keeps forgiving you and puts up with your craziness, but it's unacceptable and you need to either learn to control your rages or seek help.

    Posted by Rae September 8, 09 10:53 AM
  1. BRML,

    The only question here is should your boyfriend trust you? Once a snoop, always a snoop. I hope he reads this column.

    Posted by seamus September 8, 09 10:55 AM
  1. wall of text = self-justification

    Break up.

    Posted by K September 8, 09 10:55 AM
  1. You should break up with him because you don't deserve him and you aren't ready for a committed relationship.

    The snoops and their supporters on this board just don't get it. They think finding evidence of unfaithful or flirtatious behavior proves they were right to snoop. It doesn't.

    You either trust the other person or you don't. If you don't, then get out and find someone you can trust. Or get some help with your issues. But don't invade your BF's privacy and then play "gotcha!" It's demeaning to all involved.

    Posted by Turn Over A New Leaf September 8, 09 10:56 AM
  1. I love and trust my boyfriend, and would never even think to read his emails or texts, and that's because, again, I trust him. My point is that the fact LW started snooping in the first place means she had trust issues before this whole thing even started. Frankly BRML, you sound really immature from this letter, not to be mean!

    And this is why you don't move in with someone until you're really sure they're the "one" and you can handle it.

    Posted by DomeFoam September 8, 09 10:57 AM
  1. You sounds like an obsessive wacko.

    If I were him I would break up with you for hacking into his blackberry not once, but twice. You talk about not trusting him? You should look in the mirror and see who really can't be trusted.

    Posted by Areyoukidding? September 8, 09 10:59 AM
  1. Snooping the first time is reprehensible, but MAYBE understandable. Doing it a second time just proves you have no self control, cannot be trusted, and are too immature for a serious relationship. You need to learn how to communicate directly with people.

    Posted by couldn't read the whole thing September 8, 09 10:59 AM
  1. None of us here can help you. You have learned that snooping is bad. You have also realized that your BF (as amazing as he may be) likes to flirt. What you need to figure out is if you are willing to live with the fact that your BF likes to joke with his friends about possibly cheating on you with some hot girl at a bar. Whether or not he actually acts on that is kind of irrelevant-- obviously if he actually cheats on you, that is NOT ok, but what I mean is that maybe you should focus on the fact that he at least JOKES about that. Certain things will bother people more than it would bother other people.. So you, LW, need to figure out if you think you will be able to live with this fact, instead of figuring out WHY you cant move past it. Maybe you can't move past it because you aren't the kind of person who can live with a person like that. Maybe that is your answer?

    Posted by Kristen September 8, 09 11:00 AM
  1. He's cheating. If it isn't physical, it's emotional. You are right to dump him. Find someone else who is true to you. This kind of flirting, given the secrecy of the Blackberry, or email, is not emotionally healthy. It was wrong to snoop, but you would have resisted the impulse to snoop if your gut wasn't telling you that something might be going on.

    Commenters, there is a huge emotional component to fidelity. It's about loyalty, commitment, and true friendship, as well as love. Thrill-seeking via elecrtronic devices is just as hurtful to a relationship as a physical affair.

    Posted by Laocoon September 8, 09 11:01 AM
  1. I agree with #17.

    Posted by Kristen September 8, 09 11:04 AM
  1. If you really have doubts, end it - it won't get any better or easier with time. But, if you just can't get the voice out of your head, go see a counselor. It sounds like you have a past that may be creeping up on you and making this situation seem larger and worse than it actually is - to know the difference, you need to talk about it with someone other than your boyfriend. If he is innocent of cheating but guilty of being a jerk, he may be questioning whether you are stable or trusting enough if you can't get past this and your relationship has not stabilized, so proceed with caution - it's not fun to be on the other side of this either.

    Posted by vamanos September 8, 09 11:04 AM
  1. This is tough one. It's hard to know what the guy was thinking when all this went on. But that LW needs to give him a chance and find out.

    I am married to what Mer might call a "professional flirter." We have been married 20 years, have known each other 25. In college he was the one making suggestive comments to people. Guess what, though? He was very inexperienced, it was all harmless, and it still is. If some woman tries to take his bait, he tells her it's just his way of being funny and he later tells me what happened. He would never cheat-- once found out his then-boss was a cheater and was sick over it, feeling like an accomplice for knowing.

    Posted by Kathleen Marie September 8, 09 11:08 AM
  1. I have done this before. you cannot do it. it ruins everything, even if you keep it to yourself. i have promised myself i will never to it again. if he is cheating i think there would be other ways to tell... when i did it he wasn't cheating, but i was just curious about past relationships, friendships, etc.

    I think you can confront this situation with him and try to work through... but if you have to be honest now and then never to it again. if he was worth moving 800 miles for, you need to trust him.

    Posted by ladybug33 September 8, 09 11:08 AM
  1. You "Guessed" his password???? Sure you did. No doubt you did some shoulder surfing when he was using his blackberry. You are devious.
    He gave you a second chance when you snooped the first time. Now that you've gone to the trouble of breaking into the email account again, I would toss your ass out in a second.
    He will NEVER be able to trust YOU again. Ever think of that? He's lining you up to dump you as I type this. When it's convenient for him, you are gone. As you should be.

    Posted by sean September 8, 09 11:10 AM
  1. a little innocent flirting is ok, but it's not ok to send e-mails to a random stranger suggesting you meet up while your GF is out of town. obviously you already doubted his integrity or whatever to snoop through his e-mail in the first place, and your suspicions were confirmed. you love him, but he is obviously a creep, and now the trust you two once had is destroyed. just because you love him doesn't mean the relationship was built to last. people who love each other break up all the time.

    Posted by i love him, but... September 8, 09 11:10 AM
  1. Dear LW,

    Your fear of loss can be so strong for an adult of a painful childhood, which you alluded to in: "I've been through a lot of rough stuff in my life."

    You are trying to put your relationship to the ultimate test. Like a true spy, you're looking under every rock and around every corner. You examine every little detail and question every loving statement. You look for the negative and focus less and less on the positive. You probe and poke at the relationship over and over again. You cannot get enough positive affirmation of his love because you have a hard time believing anyone could ever truly love you. You are creating conflict but are not sure about the resolution.

    No relationship comes with a map that avoids all pain and disappointment. Dependency can create a sense of panic, causing you to start looking frantically for what's wrong instead of all that may be valued. In essence, you are using your anxiety to make sure that you don't have to endure the possibility of abandonment. You may jump to leave the relationship first so your boyfriend cannot hurt you like your parents did to one another or you.

    Just be yourself. The right person will love you as you are and for who you are, not for who you think they want you to be. They will love you with your strengths and weaknesses, beauty and scars. Allow your boyfriend the opportunity to help you grow, to be vulnerable, and to love completely. Your fear is understandable, but dont let it paralyze your relationship. Do not be afraid of love and to be loved. Choose to love with all your heart and soul foreva.

    Posted by trueluv4eva September 8, 09 11:11 AM
  1. I think there is something you're not saying in your letter that made you look at his emails in the first place. Something must have made you want to snoop. Go with your gut - its usually always right.

    I never had any interest in looking at my exbfs phone until I had a weird feeling after a trip he went on. It wasn't a huge shift in how he was acting but I just had this weird gut feeling. Although I know I shouldn't have, I checked his text messages and sure enough - I proved my feelings to be true and found him texting with another girl inappropriately.

    Posted by singleinthecity September 8, 09 11:11 AM
  1. Pretty typical guy. Flirtatious and playing the game. Whether he would or wouldn't will play itself out. If his drive to cheat ever gets too strong, he may give in. I saw it and ashamedly fell into that once. I thought I could flirt and kept pushing the limits. Then I slipped. It was not my plan but I lost sight of how I was playing. I wish I didn't because I expect more from myself. Which is the point. You may have a good guy but he may need to drive off the cliff.

    Have a discussion about him about what he wants (let them be his words and shut up and listen). If he is FAR from commitment you may have problems. After I slipped, I absolutely stopped flirting and hunkered down. There is nothing that can make me do it. I think I am the exception however.

    As importantly, you are disgusting for snooping. You may and will want to but NEVER do it. Make yourself strong in your own sense so that no matter what happens, you move forward.

    Posted by IamChachi September 8, 09 11:14 AM
  1. Another thing... I think when I fianlly meet the right guy, i hope to not have secrets to the point where i can leave my email or blackberry available and i don't care if he sees it and visa versa. My best friend whom is married is this open with her husband. They have no secrets, nothing ot hide... her emails is his email (basically) and if there is an old email from past, they understand it's the past.. and that's it.
    he has been open with you enough to let you read it after you told him. is there a chance you are both willing to open things up like this?

    Posted by ladybug33 September 8, 09 11:15 AM
  1. Why would you snoop?

    You're the one breaking the trust, not him.

    He's not doing anything wrong. He's flirting a little, which is questionable, but it's not wrong.

    You're a privacy invader, plain and simple. And you said he acted "like a jerk" from the start, but he didn't. You said that to justify your own jerk-like behavior.

    Just give the man some space, and he'll treat you right.

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons September 8, 09 11:17 AM
  1. Ok. After spending 7 hours reading that letter, here goes:

    1. Everyone freaks about snooping. Yeah, its wrong, but fact is, it wouldn't be a big deal if there was nothing to hide. My bf and I open our email in front of each other sometimes and think nothing of it.
    2. Emailing your friend about doubts is NOT the same as emailing the ex about wanting to be with him. Your bf deff crossed a line with emailing another woman suggestively. Period.
    3. He has to admit he was in the wrong. You have to admit you were also wrong. He is over your snooping. You have to be over the email. If not, dump him. If trust is broken, it is usually very very hard to repair.

    In terms of flirting, or being a PF, sending "dirty" emails to someone is NOT flirting. I agree with the poster that said innocent flirting doesn't hurt a SO, because it is truly innocent. You feel betrayed because what he did was not completely innocent. So, the decision is still up to you. Can you trust him or not? If you really want to be with him, tell him he has to earn the trust back, you cannot simply decide to make it all go away.


    Posted by summa! baby bumma! September 8, 09 11:19 AM
  1. In theory there is nothing wrong with "Snooping", how you handle it and what you do with it is what matters. In my case I have "tracking" software hidden on all computers in my house, mainly it is for the safety of my young children; but however, it has been mildly entertaining to see what my wife is up to. In my case, I am like the NSA; I know everything, but will only act someday if/when there is an actual need to do so...

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 September 8, 09 11:20 AM
  1. I agree with others who say the snooping has to stop, but the problem is why did you feel like snooping in the first place? It is hard to know if the problem is you being too jealous or him being unfaithful. I tend to think that you should go with your gut in these situations. Something about his behavior must be triggering suspicion that he is cheating or would like to cheat if he got the chance. Complete honesty from both sides is the answer here. I think you have to bluntly discuss monogamy and expectations and encourage honesty--even if it is hurtful to do so. The problem with very "nice" people is they often shy away from doing or saying hurtful things, even when it is in everyone's best interest to do that. But being honest--sometimes even when it hurts--is something we all have to learn to do if it doesn't come naturally.

    Posted by Been there September 8, 09 11:21 AM
  1. We don't know if he is cheating or will cheat. We do know that you have snooped, and snooped again. Whether or not he deserves your trust is hard to say; you do not deserve his trust at all, and therefore you really have nothing left of value in this relationship. You move out, not him, and move on. And get some therapy.

    Posted by BobL-FF September 8, 09 11:22 AM
  1. I have been married for 16 years and don't see what the big deal is about reading each other's emails. I don't read my husband's unless there is a particular reason to (when he asks me to, or to get info on something like the date of our son's soccer game) and he usually doesn't read mine, but he could and I don't care. Actually, he would be very bored by my emails. His aren't very interesting eaither. We have nothing to hide from each other. If there were something I wanted to hide, that would be a red flag for me that I am doing something that might be self-destructive or hurt our relationship, since otherwise I can be open with him about what I'm doing.

    I don't know what the deal is with LW's bf, but it seems like the seeds of doubt are planted and need to be delt with. Either he is doing something wrogn, or he isn't and you have unfounded trust issues, but I think you both need to confront the issue and resolve it so you can move on, either together or separately. You can't have a good relationship if you are questioning the other person every day.

    Posted by HS September 8, 09 11:23 AM
  1. lol. blame the blackberry. right. good luck to you. i hope you are 17 because that's the only way any of this "behavior" is justified, and even then it's still ridiculous, on both sides. move out and move on. you don't deserve each other. or maybe you do. i don't care really.

    Posted by check check September 8, 09 11:23 AM
  1. Sally - good to see your sage and funny advice again! Welcome back!

    Posted by irish lass September 8, 09 11:25 AM
  1. "Caught"

    Pants around ankles
    On face, deer in headlights look
    "It wasn't me", Shaggy

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! September 8, 09 11:25 AM
  1. edit to my haiku's last line:

    "Wasn't Me", Shaggy

    sorry

    Posted by summa! baby bumma! September 8, 09 11:26 AM
  1. I think my boyfriend snooped in my phone to check who I was calling. You know what, it doesn't bother me because I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.

    Sometimes people who have been hurt in the past need a little reassurance. If you show that they can trust you by being an open book as you should in a relationship, then there is nothing wrong.

    If you write something that you wouldn't want your girlfriend or boyfriend to read...then it's probably wrong to do in the first place.

    Posted by NothingToHide September 8, 09 11:27 AM
  1. You admitted that you read his emails,so then he put a password on it. You then went through the process of figuring out what that password was, and read his emails again?
    Whether or not you can trust him, I'm not sure. But I can say that HE shouldn't trust YOU.

    Posted by SM1231 September 8, 09 11:28 AM
  1. How can you guess somebody's password? That does not make any sense! Or maybe it is just me and would not know where to start.

    Posted by Baje38 September 8, 09 11:32 AM
  1. Zoloft

    Posted by Joe September 8, 09 11:35 AM
  1. I think sometimes snooping is warranted. I looked at my ex-boyfriends email when I suspected that something was going on with a girl we had met at his best friends wedding...they were both in the wedding party. I checked his email only to see if there were emails from her and sure enough there were completely inappropriate emails. He talked me into staying but we broke up six months later....I didn't trust him again and he was angry that I invaded his privacy. I don't regret checking the emails because otherwise, I never would have known what was going on.

    Posted by pan September 8, 09 11:36 AM
  1. He wants to bang his former co-worker... since you're apparently out of town every other weekend.
    You are snooping to look for a reason to leave.

    Let him go free and have a chance for a real relationship.... i wouldn't want to stay with you, that's for sure.

    that's for sure.

    Posted by itsahairflip September 8, 09 11:38 AM
  1. Did it occur to you that he set up the second situation to see if you could be trusted not to snoop? In my younger days I would have tried to set that snare because I loathe people who invade other people's privacy to satisfy nothing but their “curiosity”.
    As you say, you would hate it if your BF snooped on you.
    It's going to be a long time before either one of you trusts the other. Too soon to say if it's a deal breaker, but you must recognize completely that everyone is entitled to private time, thoughts, journals, space, fantasies, whatever – and their exclusive ownership is sacrosanct. Trespass into that reserved area and you'd be a memory, if you were mine. Let's hope your BF is more forgiving.

    Posted by Kate's Nonna September 8, 09 11:39 AM
  1. The letter from this nutcase drove me nuts! She is the one that can't be trusted, not him. I feel so bad for her poor boyfriend. He should break up with her and right now. He has been a saint to put up with all this BS!

    Posted by JohnB September 8, 09 11:39 AM
  1. I think you guys need a little break. Your snooping is bad behavior, and his texting/emailing is bad behavior. Maybe a break, some distance, will give you guys the perspective you so badly need.

    Posted by emmj September 8, 09 11:43 AM
  1. It can all be so simple. What you do when no one is watching is who you are. Would you have done what he has done? Have you, would you, do anything that would make him question your faithfulness in such a way that he has? Could he have ever found anything incriminating of you? Yup - you suck. You snooped. You wish you hadn't, you're paying the price, etc.

    Now it is what is is: You have built a story and a foundation with this man. Don't let him go until you completely understand where these insecurities are truly evolving from. This could be a manifestation of your own inner demons of your past that have risen once more; awakened from this discovery that now can't stop formulating doubts. Don't let your past jeopardize your current love, unless it is the very lessons of your past promising your intuition isn't wrong.

    Posted by Rossia September 8, 09 11:43 AM
  1. Speaking from experience, when he did what he did, he opened up that door to you which made you question his commitment to you. So don't blame yourself. Atleast you now what you are dealing with. Either you can live with it or not - it is that simple.

    Posted by lost in the country September 8, 09 11:47 AM
  1. LW: # 36 is on point.
    Just identify where all your pain and mistrust lays with, your boyfriend and his actions or the actions and damages of your past.

    Posted by Rossia September 8, 09 11:50 AM
  1. Go see a couples therapist. Get references from friends or family. But do it.

    Posted by travelgal September 8, 09 11:56 AM
  1. His electronic gadget did not ruin your life, your paranoia and desire to ignore his privacy ruined your life. Accept the blame for your own actions, and perhaps you'll grow as a person. But I doubt you are strong enough to do that. You fear the unknown, your brain sees the possibilities of snooping, and you will snoop. When you snoop you will find a reason to then justify your paranoia. I hope you can grow out of this phase of life and one day be a respectful adult.

    Posted by Gonzo September 8, 09 11:56 AM
  1. This column/blog/free for all has evolved into a total waste of time.

    Posted by iwantmy3minutesback September 8, 09 11:58 AM
  1. I'm with Sally. The LW is the mystery emailer and she did not hack the blackberry again. I think you need to take a step back and do a little self-assessment.

    Posted by NiceGuy September 8, 09 11:59 AM
  1. "self-esteem issues" - blah blah blah...

    Everyone has these doubts. You're just paranoid about them. Either put up with it, or shut up. You've confirmed nothing, but you couldn't leave well enough alone. You opened pardora's box with the snooping, and now you want a bunch of strangers to tell you it's okay - So you can justify it to yourself.

    Sounds like you're just looking for an excuse to break up with this guy, and you don't have any friends to talk to about it. What's really going on here, huh?

    Cats not Dogs

    Posted by Rica September 8, 09 12:00 PM
  1. I disagree with Meredith today - I don't think the BF is a PF. I think he assumed that the woman sending him suggestive emails was the LW, trying to put his faithfulness to the test. Put in that light, the BF did nothing wrong. In fact, he may have even figured LW was getting exactly what she deserved.

    LW, what you are discovering is that there is no 100% way to ensure that someone will not cheat on you and break your heart. Not even professions of morality can ensure it (witness the Sanford case). Scary, isn't it? Love *is* scary and even if your partner never cheats, may cause you pain by doing something awful like getting hit by a bus and dying on you.

    There are only two options here:

    1. Stay alone the rest of your life.
    2. Learn to trust yourself.

    By #2 I mean that you learn to trust that you will not crumble apart into a million pieces if someone ever cheats on you. Trust that you are strong and capable and that you could handle it - just as you have handled all the other sucky things in your life. By trusting yourself - instead of placing all your trust in another's action - you are empowered to relax and enjoy the relationship without all this fear and anxiety about what "might" happen.

    Posted by anecdotal evidence September 8, 09 12:02 PM
  1. Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound...like "really" young. I understand that he's a "really" nice guy and that you "really" like him and that you"really" like your new job and move to a "really" cool city, and that you now like "really" regret checking his e-mail, but it was like, "really" tempting, so now, you're like "really" bummed out.

    Seriously...I think you should like "really" move out on your own and be like, you know, your own, like woman, so that you can get some like "really" cool self esteem and develop a like "really" good relationship based on like a critical like thing called TRUST, and not feel the need to like ya-know see your "really" cool boyfriends new blackberry as too ya know "tempting" even though you like love him to the max. That way, you won't like freak out if you see an innocent joke made to like a friend of his that if your like, strong and cool relationship was mature and based on that really cool concept of trust and maturity, it wouldn't like bother you much because you like, wouldn't have seen it in the first place, and like, your life would be still super cool because you have like your own "really" cool life to lead and this like wouldn't be anything to like "really" worry about in the scheme of life.

    Posted by bklynmom September 8, 09 12:03 PM
  1. When people snoop it is usually because they are the ones that have done something wrong and assume their SO does as well. I'd be willing to bet she has done some not so innocent "flirting" herself at some point.

    Posted by M September 8, 09 12:06 PM
  1. To your BF’s credit, he’s not using these anonymous emails and email jokes as a passive-aggressive way to break up with you where you’re the one doing the breaking. It doesn’t sound like he’s cheated. You’re lucky. It sounds like he still wants to be with you. Again, you’re lucky. A lot of guys would kick your brand of neurotic like that to the curb. Crazy is good for hook-up girls, but not in girlfriends.

    Moving on though: Once a guy “lands” a girl, or even vice-versa, complacency sets in with any relationship. What I’m wondering if he’s pursuing these emails because he feels like you take him for granted. Thrill of the chase and all that. Do you appreciate him, or make him feel like he’s your hero/knight in shining armor/Edward Cullen (thrown in there, because, let’s face it, you sound young)? Or has the honeymoon of your relocation worn off?

    Relationships take work, love does not power itself indefinitely, and maybe you need to spend more effort appreciating your boyfriend—showing you need and want and value him-- rather than asking why he could possibly even consider in a joking way meeting an anonymous intern-girl.

    Posted by Madra September 8, 09 12:06 PM
  1. If he did cheat, can you blame him? His girlfriend is a snooping, sneaky b!tch.

    Posted by Dumb Broad September 8, 09 12:07 PM
  1. The inside of your brain must be like Hurricane Katrina. Seek help immediately if you are over the age of 22, lest you end up wandering in the middle of 128 despondent because your boyfriend switched to an iPhone and you cant figure out how to hack into it

    Posted by E September 8, 09 12:07 PM
  1. Couldn't agree more with EastCoastGirl (#5)'s comment.

    These games don't happen in "mature" relationships. Ergo, you do not HAVE a mature relationship. Mature people don't snoop on their boyfriend's e-mails/FB account/Blackberry, etc. Mature people don't try and figure out passwords (um, psycho a little?).

    And mature people ESPECIALLY don't do this when their relationships are going well. You know why? Because despite everyone being curious at times, there SHOULD be a level of TRUST in a healthy relationship, and mature people RESIST the urge to be "curious."

    Do I think that what you discovered was a little sketchy? Yeah. It is. But like Mere said, we can all be sketchy at times. I don't know if it means he cheated on you; my gut is telling me he didn't. He was just being a GUY and playin' around.

    People who are mature don't play games like these. You sound way too immature to be in a committed relationship of any sort; you barely sound old enough to be out of high school.

    So break up with this guy, focus on getting your license and having your sweet sixteen party next year and when you're a grown-up, consider trying to find another boyfriend.

    Ugh...games & drama = ridiculous.


    Posted by Karen the Great September 8, 09 12:07 PM
  1. So let me get this straight--you just read his emails because they were available through his Blackberry. Your BF, after your intitial freak-out, password protects his Blackberry and then innocently drops the "I'm getting suggestive emails from a mystery intern" line to see if he can generate more drama. You both sound like you deserve each other--a couple of drama addicts.

    If a BF looked at my emails, I'd dump him. You had no reason to suspect him, and yet you looked. What on earth is your problem? For that matter, what is with your flaky BF? If I got suggestive emails from anyone (including a mystery intern) I'd either not respond, or send back a terse "I'm taken and you're WAY out of line, don't contact me again" email (or maybe a "I'm flattered but I'm taken.") Not some BS about meeting (supposedly to see if they'd reveal themselves). And if I was to mention the weird emails to my BF, I'd mention my reply as well--not just leave it hanging there and let there be a freak-out.

    It's not so much trust issues--it's drama issues. You and your BF both have an apparent addiction to drama. You can't resist the opportunity to find reasons to freak out, and he can't resist the opportunity to give you such reasons and point you to them. There's a creepy combination of passive-aggression and game-playing here in your relationship that makes me embarassed for the both of you. You both need to grow up.

    Posted by PM September 8, 09 12:16 PM
  1. I'm a "professional flirter" and just because I flirt with people doesn't mean I have any intention of doing anything about it. I've been in a monogamous relationship for 3 years, and if I wasn't allowed to do the harmless flirting thing every now and then, I would probably go a bit batty. I truly believe that monogamy is a choice, and that if your boyfriend is a loyal person who also believes in being faithful, then you have nothing to worry about.

    I'm sorry to say that you come off REALLY CRAZY in your letter. First of all, it's way too long...TMI!!! Also, smashing things?! WTF?? You are crazy, girl! Get thee to a therapist, stat!

    Look, everyone gets bouts of insecurity here and there. I simply don't believe that there are people out there who are always 100% confident in their relationships. Why? Because relationships take hard work, and they go through ups and downs and nobody is perfect. Sometimes, to make a relationship work, you need to indulge in what Dan Savage calls "willful ignorance". In other words, sometimes you need to look the other way while your boyfriend flirts or whatever, because in the long run, it's no big deal and harping on him will only send him running out the door.

    My advice is to quit the snooping and just relax. Take it down a few notches. This guy isn't cheating, and I think the emails he wrote were pretty harmless. He forgave you, now it's time for you to forgive him.

    Best of luck.

    Posted by SassySarah September 8, 09 12:18 PM
  1. People who claim to have nothing to hide... great for you! But the truth is, maybe some people have stuff to hide from their significant other that leads to good things? Example, a surprise party, or discussions on a special gift, or a surprise evening out. I tell my gf not to snoop not because i have things to hide about my second life, but because maybe something about her comes up that i don't want her to see! I have nothing to hide, but would prefer her not going into my email/cell phone for other reasons! If I'm going to be accused of cheating, I might as well be doing...

    Posted by Jason Bay-niac September 8, 09 12:22 PM
  1. I agree w/ #37 totally... You snoop because you feel something isnt right and then when it's confirmed.. Oh well you gotta deal with it.. I dont think there is anything wrong with some level of flirting but I do think it can cross the line and be viewed as disrespect.

    I dont think she should be crucified for snooping.. This whole thinking about privacy and trust...totally ridiculous...So what she looked at his email... or his phone.. then he locks his phone... hmm. suspicious... if you have nothing to hide you dont deny access unless he is hiding some top secret classified work information or something ...
    why hide anything ....My guess is because there is something that would not be acceptable by their partner..

    I think she has a right to know what is going on if she found out by snooping who cares... Knowlege is Power.. Get rid of the jerk.. If you cant deal with it and it bothers you be done with it.. Relationships are tough and Marriage is tougher... But the small things only get bigger/worse as time goes on...

    Posted by So what she snooped.. September 8, 09 12:23 PM
  1. you all want an easy solution to avoid such head- and heartaches?
    LEAVE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER'S EMAILS/TEXTS/ETC ALONE! sure there's the potential for some not-so-upstanding messages/behavior, but aren't we all entitled to a measure of privacy? i mean, the only result of going all Patriot Act on your mate and snooping around his or her stuff is the feeling of uncertainty and distrust the writer described, WHETHER DESERVEDLY SO OR NOT! yes relationships are a two-way street. yes they are are built on a foundation of trust. but to violate that trust by snooping through messages is a major offense. this guy should be more concerned about her lack of trust and her willingness to snoop than she should be about his POTENTIAL/SUSPECTED/IMAGINED dalliances. why is it that the woman is always right in these situations?

    Posted by ben September 8, 09 12:24 PM
  1. . Don't trust any man- they are all dogs. You were right to check on him, but why did you tell him- you fools!

    Posted by Liz Pakula September 8, 09 12:26 PM
  1. Ahhh. The long weekend for the psychiatrists just ended with #62. They aren't even married, why waste money on therapy for a relationship that is destined to FAIL?

    LW. Sorry to say but this is pretty simple. You now don't trust him. I doubt you will ever be able to trust him. Time to move on. In the future, try not to go looking for problems. It is one thing to keep your eyes open, but respect each others privacy.

    Posted by tomthumbs September 8, 09 12:30 PM
  1. So many postings are right on. If you don't trust him, leave him. You're suspicious and you undoubtably had the gut feelings or you wouldn't have searched his blackberry. Everyone flirts, everyone makes mistakes, but once the trust is broken, you will always be looking and finding hidden meaning in everything he does. You say you are okay with moving on/moving out, so do it. If he truly loves you and misses you, then he will either come clean and come after you, or your suspicions were correct and he was cheating. Nobody deserves to live with fears and doubts, so move on. Only time will tell if he can be faithful and prove it to you.

    Posted by legalgal September 8, 09 12:34 PM
  1. If you don't trust him, why are you with him? The tone of your letter makes me think that you have issues from your past that you are projecting on to the current BF. People say all kinds of stuff over e-mail, im or what ever that they don't mean as it is an anonymous forum.

    My suggestion is to stop snooping, go talk to a professional as to your issues, i.e. jealously, anger, insecurity, and give the guy a break. If he was really cheating he would not tell you

    Posted by Shaz September 8, 09 12:34 PM
  1. she's NOT crazy. are you people serious? you shouldn't snoop, but HE SHOULDN'T TRY TO GET WITH HIS FORMER INTERN. people who say she shouldn't have looked at his stuff, and it's her fault for ruining her own situation... all you're implying is that it's ok for her guy to do whatever he likes, AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T FIND OUT.

    Posted by fun September 8, 09 12:35 PM
  1. BRML,

    I read your 1200 word letter, but I'm not sure what your question is.

    You don't trust him, and obviously he can't trust you. So why are you two still living together?

    You sound too immature (and frankly, neurotic) to be living with a man. Get your own place. See how the relationship unfolds from there.

    Posted by TallGirl September 8, 09 12:35 PM
  1. OH NOOOO! A group of guys got together and collectively devolved into sophmoric lust crazed lunatics and actually SENT A TEXT MESSAGE to a possible FORMER co-worker to egg her on?! WTF!!! What is worse they continued on with the gag after they got a bite! Holy COW!

    Seriously, if a group of your girlfriends did the same thing would you even think twice about it? You may not like the behavior but it is far from cheating. I'd be more worried about him and cronies going out to the strip clubs - which is not cheating either BTW.

    What I suggest you do (I'm channelling TallGirl feeling a little anxious in her little black dress here) is to demand to send the next suggestive text message to the pawn and change the dates of the meeting so you can be there. Who knows you may have fun acting anonymously on the internet. You may enjoy meeting this person. You can do neither but you have taken control either way. And when you really think about it, this is all about control isn't it? Yeah that's right trust and control...



    Posted by Darwin September 8, 09 12:39 PM
  1. Yep - this again. We have another case where a young woman tries her best to ignore text messages sent through a blackberry. However, due to her curious nature and distrusting personality - she takes it upon herself to read the message. I find it very easy to believe that there was already mistrust in the relationship to begin with - the Blackberry episode we're reading above is just another chapter in their relationship. Clearly, there is no need at all for this woman to continue being in a relationship with this guy, is there? Oh Noooo..let's read on. He pacifies her. She stops reading his messages until the red flag goes up again and she hacks into his Blackberry and reads more messages. The LW was doing so well until the wheels fell off the wagon again. She becomes Irate and questions his love of her. She kicks him out of her place as punishment for being a jerk. Do you think this would be the last of the relationship? NOOOO!!! It's back again! Being revived like the love interest who is in the intensive care unit on a soap opera - who has already flatlined THREE times...

    Dear BRML - You need to let this relationship DIE and stop recussitating it. You are killing yourself in the process. You need to stop seeing this man, get into therapy for your own good, and come back feeling renewed and ready to get into a serious relationship with a real man, not one who may have inclinations of being with someone else (no matter how tempting it is).

    I have to go one step further and prove what kind of an idiot you are - it's your words.

    "I want to stay with him and be with him so I'm going to-- but how do I stop freaking out? It really hurts and makes me feel so sad and pathetic. I feel stupid for snooping, I would be furious if he did that to me. I'm sure it would hurt him, too, to see I emailed an old friend about missing an ex sometimes, but that is why email is private and you shouldn’t invade your significant other's privacy"

    You violated your own creed! Exactly what kind of person are you? You feel stupid (well, you are stupid) for snooping - and then go on to say that "...email is private and you shouldn't invade your significant other's privacy." Anyone who has any kind of moral backbone would rest upon their own beliefs and not do something they don't feel is appropriate? Unlike you. You set the rules and you broke them for your own benefit.

    You're pathetic. Just like you said. Sad and pathetic.

    OK - so that was a little harsh, right? You have no idea what I actually wanted to say. Thank goodness this is a public forum otherwise the gloves would have really come off. Enjoy the rest of your day.

    Posted by supersonic BLAST man! September 8, 09 12:39 PM
  1. You should carve your name into the side of his sports car. That will teach him to think again before he cheats.

    LW -- Case and point, your a basket case. Its better he found out now rather than later; say for instance, after he put a ring on your finger. Atleast this way you cant ruin him financialy and take away his children too.

    That is the thing with relationships these days. Both the man and the woman just want to put 50% into the relationship. I mean yeah, it makes 100% but in reality you both should be putting 100% of yourelves into eachother.

    But i suppose that this is the price of "sexual equality" and this has already begun to show with the lack of marriage with young people and huge uptick of divorce in older people. Too much of a liability to men.

    But i digress...
    LW you should get out now, your BF sounds like too nice a guy to have you snooping and throwing violent fits when you yourself are the one who is breaking the rules.

    LW go home, get out of boston .

    Posted by Ivana Humphalot September 8, 09 12:40 PM
  1. Meredith, can you edit these letters? Today's letter is practically a thesis and I do not have time to read something this long. I got about 1/2 way through and the LW keeps saying the same thing over and over again. This is the case with most letters on Love Letters. I really think there should be a limit as to how long the letters should be that get published.

    Posted by MattyB September 8, 09 12:43 PM
  1. I don’t think this lad is terribly sophisticated. He’s trolling for hits. It doesn’t bode well for someone who professes to be in something exclusive. If he must play ‘hide and seek’, you should let him frolic autonomously. Regrettably, he needs this type of adoration to sustain his self-esteem…which I believe is a life long issue. Right now he seems content to get his nibbles from all comers:


    8.5’ 5 wt. Winston Bamboo Haiku

    Flirtatious dry fly
    Match the snatch, his rising trout
    Catch and release nymph

    Posted by valentino September 8, 09 12:46 PM
  1. I don’t think this lad is terribly sophisticated. He’s trolling for hits. It doesn’t bode well for someone who professes to be in something exclusive. If he must play ‘hide and seek’, you should let him frolic autonomously. Regrettably, he needs this type of adoration to sustain his self-esteem…which I believe is a life long issue. Right now he seems content to get his nibbles from all comers:


    8.5’ 5 wt. Winston Bamboo Haiku

    Flirtatious dry fly
    Match the snatch, his rising trout
    Catch and release nymph

    Posted by valentino September 8, 09 12:52 PM
  1. Oh I remember you! You're the girl on the subway who talks to herself. My dear, you don't need therapy. You need medication. Do your boyfriend a favor by leaving him.

    Posted by Harriet September 8, 09 12:54 PM
  1. this all seems harmless. except the snooping. he might think about someone else when you guys are fooling around. can you hack into his head to make sure?

    Posted by take a prozac September 8, 09 01:02 PM
  1. #79... Shakes head. No relationship coming your way with a healthy guy! I had a GF that couldn't trust in similar ways and yes, I ended it. Who wants to deal with that chaos?

    Posted by sanity123 September 8, 09 01:03 PM
  1. First of all there are some oddities here.

    1. You "guessed" his password.
    2. An old co-worker/intern starts playing an email game? Why wouldn't she just say "hey, it's samantha. want to get together sometime?"
    3. You know everything that was written between the co-worker and him.
    4. If this former co-worker is serious, he could have easily searched facebook, myspace, etc. for the identity. I'm guessing she's a girl in her 20's and would almost definitely have a social network account.

    I think you are lying about the password. I think you set up a fake email account, pretended to be the co-worker, and started playing this game. I think he realized something was up right after you got caught snooping, so he played along. He knew it was you all along, but could never prove it. I think you are lying in this letter, which is pathetic, but it would make much more sense to me than how you described it. You seem bat sh*t crazy enough to play that game, and I know for certain that snoopers go to great lengths to get people caught. I think he knew it was you and responded the way he did just to teach you a lesson on snooping.

    Now you're jaded, miserable, and have no relationship because of your snooping. He wasn't cheating. This all started because he made a comment about hooking up with a hot girl at a bar. All guys talk like that with their friends, even married ones. You should have just brushed it off as nothing.

    Why would the co-worker play a game? How did you "guess" his password?

    Posted by YouAreAllMySons September 8, 09 01:06 PM
  1. You should carve your name into the side of his sports car. That will teach him to think again before he cheats.

    LW -- Case and point, your a basket case. Its better he found out now rather than later; say for instance, after he put a ring on your finger. Atleast this way you cant ruin him financialy and take away his children too.

    That is the thing with relationships these days. Both the man and the woman just want to put 50% into the relationship. I mean yeah, it makes 100% but in reality you both should be putting 100% of yourelves into eachother.

    But i suppose that this is the price of "sexual equality" and this has already begun to show with the lack of marriage with young people and huge uptick of divorce in older people. Too much of a liability to men.

    But i digress...
    LW you should get out now, your BF sounds like too nice a guy to have you snooping and throwing violent fits when you yourself are the one who is breaking the rules.

    LW go home, get out of boston .

    Posted by Ivana Humphalot September 8, 09 01:08 PM
  1. Trust, communication and money concerns are the root of trouble in relationships. You admit failure in the first two. The third cannot sustain. Leave and get help.

    Posted by BobL-FF September 8, 09 01:08 PM
  1. #75. SassySarah:

    email me: apparentlyapparent@gmail.com

    Let's have some fun!

    Posted by AnonymousFlirtingMan September 8, 09 01:09 PM
  1. LW- You sound bored. Get a hobby. Stop bothering us. Thanks.

    Posted by Shorty September 8, 09 01:09 PM
  1. I used to be a chronic snooper, until a wise friend once confronted me and said that if he's going to cheat, he'll find a way regardless of your paranoia because cheaters are resourceful and will lie. Instead of obsessing, you're much better off spending your time and energy creating a strong, healthy, and fun relationship. Stop snooping. Relax and enjoy your wonderful man. There's no point ruining a good thing because of your own insecurities.

    Posted by Annonymous090809 September 8, 09 01:12 PM
  1. Darwin, here's a news flash:

    Women don't wear little black dresses to make it easy for Darwin to comparison-shop for a girlfriend. They wear them because 95% of the dresses available in the stores are black.

    Posted by TallGirl September 8, 09 01:15 PM
  1. #94-
    Guessing passwords of SO's isn't so hard. I guessed my ex's, found out the a-bag was cheating, and kicked him to the curb. Oh- and I told him I'd tell everyone what a scumbag he was unless he signed the house over to me. I bet he never chose easy to guess passwords again!

    Posted by Cheaters Suck September 8, 09 01:16 PM
  1. Sally - I'm guessing your password is: blackwidow

    Posted by valentino September 8, 09 01:19 PM
  1. I had a boyfriend who read an email that I had written to my parents. Which he then flipped out at me for (In the email I had listed and described the friends I was making in a new program, and under one of the male names, I had included that he was cute). He didnt get over it, and I was angry that he was making a big deal out of something that, to me, wasnt. We broke up due to issues stemming from this original argument.
    Inversely, I snooped on a boyfriend once, and found nothing at all. Six months later he told me he cheated on me and we broke up.
    Finally, I have had friends that snooped, found things they didnt like, and never confronted their lover about it, insteading letting it eat them up inside in silence. Those relationships ended with the paranoia live and well.

    what does this equal? absolutely nothing.

    I guess what I am saying is, snooping leads you nowhere but trouble, and rarely has a positive result. In my experience, the sneakiest of sneaks will cover their tracks and you will never find a thing. Your boyfriend probably didnt think those emails were a big deal, just boyish pranks. Even if he didnt think you were sneaking, if he felt like he was doing something wrong, he would have thought to hide it IN CASE you did. He doesnt sounds like a bad guy to me, just sometimes immature, and easily egged on by friends (notice a friend or coworker was involved in both episodes)

    If you do decide to stay together, you will both need to repair the trust, as you have both broken it. I would say, you should also find a more constructive way to handle your disagreements (or you will have no picture frames left)!

    Posted by rw September 8, 09 01:19 PM
  1. Back in the day, we were taught that for whatever communication method you choose (phone/written correspondence/conversation) try to pretend that the person about whom you were communicating was privvy to what you were saying or writing. In other words, how would X feel if he/she were to read/hear what I've written/said?

    Now that we can communicate a multitude of ways, each one more relaxed than the next, consequences seem to have flown out the window. We live in a day and age where EVERYTHING you communicate has an audit trail, so I can't say I'm surprised by the spike in snooping...however, what happened to the most basic principals of communication? Why would you communicate anything to anyone that would offend someone close to you?

    But these letters about snooping are getting to be old hat; especially when you KNOW you're snooping, he's put ON a password and you CRACKED THE CODE! What'd you expect, Scooby?

    Posted by big dummy September 8, 09 01:21 PM
  1. Folks, don't forget that hacking someone's password is a federal crime, albeit a misdemeanor.

    Keep that in mind if you're imagining a scale from over-flirting / possibly cheating as compared to someone admittedly committing a federal crime.

    Posted by Brian September 8, 09 01:23 PM
  1. Should I trust him? Should I trust her?

    My girlfriend who I lived with, had an affair while I was out of town...I found out when I came home early and our home looked odd...everything was out of place...I called her at work and she immediately came home and started to strip the bed...I figured it out and confronted her...she admitted the whole thing...

    Posted by KJ September 8, 09 01:25 PM
  1. My weekend was good, Mere, hope yours was too. :)

    Self-esteem Friday helped me get out there and OWN my weekend. :)

    Posted by bns September 8, 09 01:27 PM
  1. This girl is out of her effing mind! Her boyfriend should have left her as soon as she started spying on him. The guy wrote a couple dirty emails to/with his friends. What guy hasn't? She obviously didn't trust him before she started snooping. Why else would she snoop? She is obviously way too jealous and overprotective. If her boyfriend is reading this right now you should run for the hills and try to find that hot girl in the bar again.

    Posted by Chuck September 8, 09 01:28 PM
  1. Great, Val, now you get to hack into my email account and see all the juicy stuff. Just don't steal my AC Moore coupons.

    I'm guessing yours is some Latin conjugation of the word "love."

    Posted by Sally September 8, 09 01:29 PM
  1. Meredith - too many snooping letters! Let's move on. BRML, the moment one needs to snoop in order to know what's going on in your relationship, that's the moment its over. Only snoop if you are prepared to break up, because that is where snooping leads to.

    Posted by TTYL September 8, 09 01:33 PM
  1. i think you're a fruit loop.

    Posted by MissNewBooty September 8, 09 01:40 PM
  1. if you had some valid suspicions to look at the email i would say well at least you caught it now. but you just felt like looking at his emails cus they were available? thats very untrusting of you. he seems like a nice guy who maybe took a little emailing joke a little far. you didnt say he was acting differently so we have to assume things were fine until you snooped. ill be honest that does sound like #36's evaluation. i looked at an ex's email once. he had used my phone to log in and it stayed logged in. when i went on to go in my own email it was there. he had cheated before and was altogether a sneak, so i looked. i was right to look. there were emails from 2 ex's on there. one was talking about how hot she looks when working out at the gym and that shes just way too good for him. i stupidly stuck around cus i just couldnt lose him. BIG MISTAKE. he ended up cheating again, knocking someone up and leaving me in debt with a broken heart. anyways i am on a tangent. it doesnt seem like he is a snake in the bush like my ex. but it shows that intuition is usually right... i think u jumped to conclusions and you both owe each other an apology. he needs to stop emailing and you need to learn to trust him.

    Posted by nemo September 8, 09 01:41 PM
  1. BRML you need to put this entire thing behind you. Your boyfriend is saying he loves you and wants to be with you. What would he gain from keeping you around if he really was having an affair? There's nothing really fun about that. If he actually was having an affair I think that one of the most difficult things would be to tell you which would have been why he was keeping it secret. Now if you already know why wouldn't he just confess to the whole thing and end it with you? I think that your BF is a good guy and you need to work to trust him again. Don't give up on your relationship.

    Amen to all of the people out there that are shouting the sentiments of having nothing to hide. Instead of crucifying the snooper maybe we should be asking ourselves why it is that people would behave any differently when their significant other is around or reading what they're writing vs when the significant other isn't around or reading?

    Where are all the people with integrity, class, and honesty? Searching for one at the moment myself.

    Posted by HK24 September 8, 09 01:44 PM
  1. I found out my EX-wife cheated on me by reading her diary. When I confronted her about it her first response was "what are you doing reading my diary"?...if you can believe THAT!! Anyway it was the best move I ever did.

    Besides she was getting fat so it was time to move on.

    Posted by Michael September 8, 09 01:48 PM
  1. LW - your letter gave me a headache so bad that I moaned out loud. I have nothing to say to someone like you.

    Posted by Rose September 8, 09 01:48 PM
  1. Where is Rico???

    Posted by MaineGirl September 8, 09 01:49 PM
  1. NO RICO YET!!! woo hoo! a blissful day

    Posted by Ricorotsinhell September 8, 09 01:55 PM
  1. I laugh at the women on here scolding this woman for snooping. You all know you do it too. At least 95% of women snoop. They can't help themselves. It's a mental deficiency they possess. I don't think it's ok, I think it's completely wrong, but most of these dumb broads do it too.

    P.S. Anyone who says "sheesh" is a total geek in my book. Dudekidgay is no exception.

    Posted by Dumb Broad September 8, 09 01:56 PM
  1. A pro-snooping, and belated, comment:

    1. I don't have the best self-esteem, and I get a little paranoid.
    2. I have been, but try not to be, a professional flirt.
    3. My wife doesn't have the best self-esteem, and gets a little paranoid.

    Everyone who writes in and says, "Don't have such self-esteem issues!" misses the point. I wish I didn't. But that's life. So I did the exact opposite everyone recommends. I gave my wife my email password. She's free to read my emails. Know what? It's easy to say that sharing life with someone is making yourself an open book - well, it turns out it's actually easy to be an open book too. Now we both have each other's emails. And neither of us reads them (or, at least talks about it). Knowing you have access decreases the paranoia, and knowing someone else has access moderates any tendency to be a professional flirt.

    The more pithy answer is this: everyone who says "don't snoop," is actually advocating for keeping secrets from loved ones. Maybe secrets will happen, but isn't that something we should all try to avoid?

    Posted by Nick September 8, 09 01:58 PM
  1. Oh TallGirl, you know it's the woman that makes the dress and not the other way around. See edressme.com for ideas that are not black or black if you like, they have all the dresses in China.

    LW, if you really want to take the reigns why don't you explore WHY your BF decided to partake in this fantasy. Maybe there is something that's missing and you need to decide whether or not to evolve. Now don't think about it too much because he may be the one that needs to evolve. You need to stop the over-analyzing and start the doing. It's up to you whether "doing" means leaving or evolving with him.

    Posted by Darwin September 8, 09 02:00 PM
  1. Hissssssssss Rica! Wow!!!!

    So, LW, as I am sure you noticed, readers' responses to your love "challenges" can be pretty harsh. I have been torn apart on this forum as well. Don't take it too personally.

    Anectdotal evidence has it right. As I am sure life has taught you, no matter what, you will be ok if you trust yourself. Reality is, you can only count on YOU in life. Nothing is certain. Learn to trust and love you and the rest will take care of itself.

    Posted by Tricia September 8, 09 02:00 PM
  1. 105
    Settle down there, Spazz. No one's going to the hoosgow for snooping in their SO's email.

    Posted by Settle September 8, 09 02:02 PM
  1. I've lost resepct for summa baby bumma after her response today...so disappointing.

    Posted by Say it isn't so summa September 8, 09 02:04 PM
  1. Don't listen to all the harsh comments about "snooping". I know it's not the best thing to do either but let's be real here... it's 2009, most people in their 20s are communicated mainly through e-mail/texts. So, you "snooped" - opps. Now, you have to deal with what you "found". At this point, you need to be honest with him (even though it is embarrassing and you feel guilty). You cannot keep checking his phone though- you've had the conversation and i would suggest having one last one... a thought out one about how you feel and where you both stand. After that, you need to move on. You can't keep dwelling on this. If you keep snooping, it will become a vicious cycle. You don't want that or deserve that. Go with your gut - even if you do break it off (move out, etc.) you'll know if you two were meant to be together. Good luck!

    Posted by Boston September 8, 09 02:05 PM
  1. Let me help you, honey.

    Don't run from these women. Invite them into your bedroom. You need to be more open, more accommodating, more European to land and hold a good man these days.

    So put away the uptight Puritanical shrew act, stop flipping out, and have a good time while you are still young and desirable. Everyone wins.

    Posted by Lance Romance September 8, 09 02:06 PM
  1. I should qualify post 105 with "the manner in which she hacked his password and used the information is a Federal misdemeanor."

    Of course the more damage (extortion, stolen intellectual property, financial gain ,etc...) the more serious the charges which can range up to life in prison, and information from the case is also subject to use in civil litigation.
    The Commonwealth isn't quite caught up on petty girlfriend computer crimes, but does have laws on the more serious offenses.
    If you care, check out the Department of Justice websites.

    Posted by Brian September 8, 09 02:06 PM
  1. People get so self-righteous about the snooping thing. As several posters have said, why get so angry about the snooping if you have nothing to hide?

    That said, you need to break up with this dude. It's clear that you don't trust him, and he's given you plenty of reason. Apparently, you can't go away for a weekend without him making some oddball comments about your absence or trying to not-really hook up with some mystery woman. He's sounds like a cheater to me. If he hasn't already, he probably will.

    I snooped once. And I found out what I needed to know. A 2-year boyfriend (age 23) started hanging out with this chicky and talking about her a ton. But they were "just friends." Uh huh. I checked his e-mail and found that they were not just friends. I was suspicious before snooping - he gave me reason. I'm not sorry I snooped. I am, however, happy that I am now married to a man whom I don't distrust. I don't snoop anymore. Funny how that works.

    Posted by JK September 8, 09 02:14 PM
  1. Anecdotal Evidence: "Not even professions of morality can ensure it (witness the Sanford case). "

    Your point is spot on but your choice of example needs a little work. Morality in politics at any level is the exception, not the rule. (thanks for allowing for my cynical banter for the day)

    Posted by Brian September 8, 09 02:15 PM
  1. Meredith, please please please cease & desist with the super-annoying "I did this to myself but now I want you to get me out of it" emails.

    This isn't the blackberry's fault - this is the LW's fault. And now she's paying for it with her sanity. I think her sanity will return. Whether or not her boyfriend will return - well, that's another story. Maybe he'll decide he doesn't want to date the psycho evil-twin of his formerly cool girlfriend.

    Posted by Fievel September 8, 09 02:17 PM
  1. First! Boo Ya!

    Posted by VerySlowInternetAttentionWhore September 8, 09 02:21 PM
  1. #118, "DB": Yes, I am a Geek, and that's why I make lots of $$$ (certainly more than you do anyhow!). I will refrain from using "The *S* Word" in the future, to be replaced with "*DB* eats hot slimy donkey choads". Does that work for you?

    Posted by DudeGuyKidDudeGuy666 September 8, 09 02:22 PM
  1. I'm having a hard time believing these comments are for real. However....don't snoop. But you did. You saw the truth. If he snooped in your email what would he find? Nothing objectionable I'm sure. Get a grip, see him for who he really is and end it. Move on with your life. His explanations are beyond ridiculous and you are clueless.

    Posted by PG13 September 8, 09 02:24 PM
  1. Anyone who's ever denied snooping is a liar.

    My boyfriend read my diary a couple years ago and freaked out over stuff that had happened before we were even together. Because I myself have no qualms snooping when I feel necessary, I handled it well and coaxed him out of being upset by the usual "that was before we were together" talk.

    Then, when the tables were turned and I snooped through his text messages about a year later, he flipped out on me saying "why are you snooping!?!" How easy we forget.

    I don't think the issue is snooping at all - get over it, people. We all do it and if we don't, I'm SURE if given the opportunity, especially an easy opportunity (the diary is RIGHT THERE), we would at least entertain the thought. So you all need to chill out on LW for snooping. I think the real issue is in fact what she found and how she'll deal with that. She opened up a can of worms on her own accord.

    Posted by Anonymous September 8, 09 02:27 PM
  1. I vote to give him the benefit of the doubt. But, not to be outwitted by technology, I do think that today’s relationships risk a techno death without some kind of intervention.

    In the long-time relationships that I’ve observed over many years I have found that those who defend and protect their “secrecy” with emotional outbursts such as ‘you violated my privacy’ are usually those who perpetrate crimes (cheating, financial theft) against the very ones who trust the most.

    When couples get to a place where they decide to live with one another, not only do they begin to remove the ‘mystery’ of each other, but privacy is altered as well. For a married couple this is especially true. Privacy is important, but when that privacy becomes the means to violate the trust or cross boundaries (marriage, living together, defining the relationship) then I can believe that snooping becomes an almost necessary means of self- or couple- preservation. Secrecy violates the trust that should be present in any relationship.

    Texting & emailing are communication tools here to stay! And as far as our being human, these tools seem to have had a reverse effect an evolutionary scale where emotional development is concerned. We’ve become paranoid (many times with good reason); selfish; over-engaged and addicted. We need a 12-step program to avert e-self-destructive behavior.

    Posted by marj September 8, 09 02:27 PM
  1. Dumb Broad - 95% of women snoop?!? What planet are you on?

    I am a women - I don't snoop. And I know a lot of women who don't snoop.
    It is people like the LW and every other crazy, self absorbed, low self esteem, no personal space, leech women who give us a bad name.

    Interact with real women and you might be surprised.

    Posted by ScienceChick September 8, 09 02:28 PM
  1. I may not be the only one who does not buy half of what you are saying, LW. You were a "calm, happy person in a great relationship" until a phone ruined your life? Please. Try to take this as constructive criticism: maybe what you need to do is figure out who YOU are and what YOU want. Who cares if your friends and family think your boyfriend is a great guy? You say you love your boyfriend (even if we debate what exactly that means given the mutual lack of trust); but no matter what the dime store novels say, love is not enough anyway. Folks here have mentioned that trust is key...well, DUH. You also say that if he cheated it would be over. Why? I know, I know all the "cheaters must die" on this blog will be all over me, but when one person strays it is usually because s/he is missing something and may be too cowardly to ask for it from his/her partner. If you want to stay with him and he wants to stay with you, TALK to each other. Don't harass him about specific emails or kick him out of the house - TALK about what you want and what you need and ASK (without judging) what he wants and needs and then work together - in whatever timeframe makes sense - to figure out whether or not your relationship makes sense for BOTH of you.

    Posted by Aries September 8, 09 02:28 PM
  1. I am a naughty girl. I have been sending this boy dirty text messages. He has been very playful and likes to make me feel sexy. The problem is that he has a girlfriend that he seems to like. Not that I am worried because when she is out of town next week, I plan to s@#* his &^%$ so hard that he will ^&$# all over my huge *&@#. I will sit on his ^%$^ and 8#@# him over and over.

    I can not wait until she leaves.

    Posted by IamChachi September 8, 09 02:30 PM
  1. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    New rule: don't write to Meredith if you created your own problem. You know why people recomend therapy so often on this board? Because so many LWs really should caugh up some $$$ for someone to listen to them whine.

    Posted by Q September 8, 09 02:37 PM
  1. Sally- To me, you are Pluperfect...

    amaveram
    amaveras
    amaverat
    amaveramus
    amaveratis
    amaverant

    Semper ubi sub ubi

    Posted by valentino September 8, 09 02:37 PM
  1. He's a cheater, and planned on cheating on you. You should be able to see anything on his email or blackberry if he's really committed to you. There must have been something that made you look. I never read my bf's emails, except that ONE TIME when I just had a bad feeling... and there it was, proof he was setting up a "booty call" with his ex-wife no less. On the computer I bought and set up for him. What a slime bag. If people are committed, they don't keep secrets from each other, email or otherwise. Time for you to fly.

    Posted by trustisnumberone September 8, 09 02:42 PM
  1. #137
    You sound like a fatty. Be careful you don't suffocate the poor guy.

    Posted by Chachi = Fatty September 8, 09 02:43 PM
  1. He should dump you. You may think he can't be trusted, but by your actions you've proven that it's YOU who can't be trusted.

    Posted by SJB September 8, 09 02:45 PM
  1. You need to leave him. And you need to stay single for a while until you are mature enough to handle being in a relationship with someone.

    You snooped in his private email. Unless you had an explicit agreement from him stating otherwise, what you did was very wrong and a violation of privacy.

    Then, after he password protected his email, you hacked into his blackberry. Yes, even when you "guess" the password it's called hacking. Your misbehavior is getting really serious.

    If couples want to have an "open book" policy regarding private communications that's fine. But it needs to be explicit, and it needs to be mutually agreed upon. Few of the "open book" females on this forum have the courage to actually get agreement from their spouses/partners.

    Kudos to the LW's boyfriend for attempting (lamely, alas) to protect his blackberry with a password.

    And there is NO rule, and no expert opinion, that states a healthy relationship requires private communications be shared without questions with partners.

    Posted by Sigh September 8, 09 02:54 PM
  1. Ahhhh...Valentino, nice classical allusion.

    Always wear underwear.

    Posted by big dummy September 8, 09 02:56 PM
  1. So LW's bf....
    1. Had his email hacked by his gf for AT LEAST the 2nd time (probably more like the 100th time).
    2. Had his password stolen (aka "guessed") by his gf
    3. Was confronted by his gf about an email she found while snooping; an email which, unsolicited, he had already voluntarily admitted to the existence and content of.

    And then, for some reason, he was asked to move out of his house for several days by his gf, even though he had done nothing wrong....and not only did he not dump his gf, he obliged and left the house until she said it was okay that he come home. And then he apologized. WOW.

    LW, you must be hot as hell or dynamite in the sack. Probably both, actually. Congratulations.

    Posted by Angelo Barracuda September 8, 09 03:01 PM
  1. Ugh... Meredith, is this the only letter you received? I think I speak for some of the folks here when I say we'd like more letters in which the letter-writer actually has an interesting dilemma. I, for one, would like to see more letters from 30-somethings, but maybe they're just not writing in.

    There is no trust or maturity in this relationship. Period.

    Posted by heatherv1211 September 8, 09 03:03 PM
  1. Clearly your BF is dumb...The technically challenged married guy that I have been seeing for 9 years (no comments, folks!) just got a Blackberry and now no more "Love, _____" and cryptic e-mails at best because his e-mail address is connected to his Blackberry and ALL e-mails pop up. Doesn't stop him from sending flowers (credit card!), making me his Facebook friend, introducing me to his son in a business setting and calling me from his cellphone...if only he would get a gmail account, the love letters would start up again...this isn't about trust, you are way past that.

    Posted by Elisabeth F. September 8, 09 03:05 PM
  1. 135 Science Chick, If trolls don't get their special attention they move on to other forums. When you read back to the past 50 posts, you'll notice there's an idiot pattern in progress.

    Posted by Brian September 8, 09 03:14 PM
  1. I hope your boyfriend does the same to you. Idiot.

    BAN RICO!!!!!!

    Posted by Chloe-OBrien September 8, 09 03:14 PM
  1. Valentino and Sally - get room!!!

    Cats not Dogs

    Posted by Rica September 8, 09 03:34 PM
  1. No......where's Rico????

    Posted by Jack Bauer September 8, 09 03:44 PM
  1. Elisabeth F - you are a horrible coward. How DARE you date a married man for NINE YEARS and meet his son!?!?!? That is so messed up.

    Posted by Tricia September 8, 09 03:46 PM
  1. Chloe, you're the idiot. Get a life.

    Posted by Anonymous September 8, 09 03:48 PM
  1. Get out of the relationship and get into serious therapy. You are cuckoo's nest material.

    Posted by Bustoff September 8, 09 03:49 PM
  1. Nearly sounds unanimous. You are too busy looking for problems. There's a big difference between a guy cheating and a guy playing. And no guy wants to be spied on. You may feel, but if I don't read his emails, how do I know if he's telling the truth? Because he told you he's telling the truth. Trust is a cornerstone of a relationship. If you don't have it, you don't have a relationship, well, or at least a good one. Before you know it, he'll start looking for a relationship built on trust and it will be with someone else.

    My suggestion to you on how to handle this is:
    - Apologize
    - Trust
    - Be happy that he's interested in women. It's normal.

    Posted by Rich September 8, 09 03:53 PM
  1. You're a psycho, and your boyfriend is a chronic CHEATER (not flirter). You both suck, and I hope you spend the rest of your lives together. Two less idiots in the dating pool WILL make the world a better place, in an ever so insignificant way. Until you procreate to make up for it, at least. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you don't.

    Posted by ThrewUpInMyMouthALittle September 8, 09 04:00 PM
  1. I think your being too hard on her... If he was so innocent -- why change the password ??
    I think he might want to test the waters....

    Posted by Jackie September 8, 09 04:04 PM
  1. If you think your boyfriend is going to cheat, you should start having threesomes with him and one of your hot friends...I am pretty sure he wont cheat if he knows he can get a crazy threesome at home.....

    Posted by Michelle Duggar is my Loveslave September 8, 09 04:05 PM
  1. #147-- Two things...

    1. I think you meant "technologically" challenged.
    2. You are as bad as the cheating husband you have been seeing for 9 years. That truly makes me sick.

    Posted by Kristen September 8, 09 04:06 PM
  1. Way too much drama in this letter. LW- you snooped when you shouldn't have. I won't say I have never snooped because yes, I have, sometimes it is just too tempting so I'm not throwing stones. However , if everything was as good as you say in the relationship then just let it be. If there are other things that lead you to snoop in the first place, well then you should really have an honest talk with your bf about it.

    Actually, you should have an honest talk with him anyways, I get why you were upset but really you sound quite insecure over this. Seems like there is more to this then just what you wrote in the letter.

    Posted by CC September 8, 09 04:07 PM
  1. Can no one write a brief letter re their love issue? I lost the really count by about 10. Without reading the other responses -- i'll apologize if being redundant, move on sistah. Guy puts a pw on his BB and you still feel compelled to break into it? Also, is he eejit enuf to send less than PG rated emails on the work platform?

    Posted by Maryro September 8, 09 04:08 PM
  1. I don't understand why folks shouldn't check their significant other's emails. If my husband's guy friends or parents have something to tell him in confidence, it would be way to important to be told over email. Other than that, what's the big deal? If you're thinking of marrying someone, shouldn't their current life be an open book? I can't think of anything in my email I wouldn't let my husband read. And as far as cell phones go, if you're married, you're probably sharing a plan and on the same bill anyways. Why do we keep blaming the snooper when the other person is cheating?

    Posted by mp September 8, 09 04:20 PM
  1. You both sound young and inexperienced at least emotionally. Guys love to show off to other guys so anything about the gf finding out is just bragging that he's still a stud. Regarding the second incident, he told you didn't he? Stop your freakin' snooping already! This relationship is showing signs of heading to skidsville you individually or both of you as a couple get therapy to figure out the self-esteem issues.

    Posted by ramona126 September 8, 09 04:31 PM
  1. To everyone who's saying that it doesn't matter that the LW snooped if the guy has nothing to hide:

    In a mature, trusting relationship--yes, people SHOULD have nothing to hide. But, there's an element of mistrust in the snooping part. If my boyfriend was paranoid that I was cheating on him and said that he wanted to see my e-mails, I'd let him--because I'm NOT cheating and HAVE NOTHING to hide. But if he went behind my back and somehow "figured out" my password and hacked into my account, I'd be pissed that he couldn't just ask me. I'd make fun of him forever for being a paranoid silly man but you know what I mean. Maybe I'm not articulating my point very well but it's the lack of trust that's more the problem here. If you don't trust your SO then that's already a good indicator the relationship is in trouble...even without snooping.

    Posted by Karen the Great September 8, 09 04:33 PM
  1. It's over.

    Trust has been lost.

    Back to Cleveland for you.

    Posted by Cheryl September 8, 09 04:35 PM
  1. What is UP with the snooper-haters!?! I agree, it's not very flattering, but if you have nothing to hide, the act is closer to a distasteful joke or comment than the egregious violation you make it out to be.

    The only reasonable explanation for privacy (regarding your significant other) is when someone else trusts you and shares things with you, which are meant for you and no one else, including your significant other. That's not hiding something or keeping a secret. It's maintaining someone's trust and confidence in you.

    It appears like a lot of the snoopers do find information that only confirms what they've suspected. So what's so wrong with them getting what the need to move on and find someone who will truly love and respect him or her?

    It sounds to me like most of the posters here are currently behaving in ways their significant other would not appreciate and they're hiding behind their right to privacy, so they can continue to misbehave. If that's you, you need to grow up and start acting honestly and honorably with the people you "love." Shame on you.

    Posted by HonorablePeopleHaveNothingToHide September 8, 09 04:35 PM
  1. When people suspect the significant other is cheating, they snoop. It's not like if you ask them up front they will tell you the truth. But if you ever have to snoop around, you shouldn't be with that person.

    Posted by Anonymous September 8, 09 04:45 PM
  1. This will only get worse. Leave. You have the strength - you made him move out for a few days. Now, get yourself the hell out of there using the same strength and before long, you'll have strung together a bunch of worry-free, happier days and be glad to have gotten rid of him. By the way, after you leave, he will amp up his mojo and likely sleep with several of these e-mail suitors or whatever they are.

    Get tested after you move out.

    Posted by Jetta September 8, 09 04:46 PM
  1. Ugh. Ban Elisabeth F.!! What kind of advice is that anyway? Sorry to break it to you, Miss F (as in Fail) : your life is a joke.

    Posted by SassySarah September 8, 09 04:54 PM
  1. Meredith,
    You've got to have better letters that this. I'm losing interest due to the stupid posts in response to the stupid letters.

    And I agree with heatherv1211 - can we take a break from the 20-something angst for a while?

    Posted by Jen September 8, 09 05:01 PM
  1. It's not about having "nothing to hide" - it's about respect. She crossed a barrier reading his emails. She hacked his password to do so and did so knowing it was wrong. Even if he has nothing to hide - his life, or anyone's for that matter, is not required to be "an open book" as some on here have suggested. We are each entitled to some basic privacy. I wouldn't want an SO reading my diary or my emails. I'm not a cheater, but that doesn't matter - I have a right to privacy. As does LW's boyfriend. She violated that right multiple times. There's no trust left here. LW's boyfriend deserves better, if you ask me. Sorry LW. I hope it's a lesson learned.

    Posted by Patty September 8, 09 05:08 PM
  1. Sometimes (not always) PFs are just hot, nice people who know they can make someone's day with an innocent flirtation.

    Posted by citykitty617 September 8, 09 05:14 PM
  1. Wow. She didn't just "snoop" - she hacked into a secured phone, and that's A CRIME. It doesn't matter that you live with him, and it doesn't matter what your justification is.

    She "broke a picture frame"? If a guy did that, women would be crying out for anger management training and therapy. When a woman does it, it's called "an expression of her feelings".

    So, let's see if I have this straight....she's willing to engage in criminal activity (hacking), and she breaks things during emotional outbursts. Seems to me that his "cheating" (if that's even happening) is mild compared to the behaviors she exhibits.

    Maybe there are two sides to this story (what a radical concept), and I suspect he tells a very different tale.

    Posted by George September 8, 09 05:23 PM
  1. I believe in "what you don't know can't hurt you". Maybe that's naive but I recently went through something similar and wish I hadn't. I was logging into my BF's email to get a coupon I had sent there and found out he changed the password. I asked him about it and he got all defensive and asked why I was trying to log on even though I have before and it has never been an issue. Basically, I don't think he's cheating but finding out he changed it bothered me and made me start thinking. Plus he was acting distant all weekend. To keep this short, although I don't feel my BF has anything to hide I didn't really believe his reasoning when he finally gave me the excuse for changing it. Had I not tried to log on I would haev never found out hence what you don't know can't hurt you. But of course the LW problem is a little different.

    Posted by Hindy September 8, 09 05:29 PM
  1. #133 - "Anyone who's ever denied snooping is a liar ... Because I myself have no qualms snooping when I feel necessary"

    Wow. Because you do it, everyone else must do it? If that isn't the lamest justification for misbehavior I've heard in a while, it is surely in the top 3.

    Yes, even if the diary is on the table I would not read it, nor would I be tempted. Some of us respect boundaries.

    Clearly, some others do not.

    Posted by George September 8, 09 05:30 PM
  1. I think Elisabeth F. should send a letter to Meredith....

    Posted by Alvin September 8, 09 05:39 PM
  1. Good lord Meredith, do you think you could have edited this question down to, I don't know, HALF the length of War and Peace?

    Sorry letter writer, you sound like a dumb twit. Reading someone's email is a HUGE invasion of privacy. Even worse that you hacked into his Blackberry a second time. You sound insecure and unstable (with the picture frame breaking). You should break up with this guy so he can be with someone who doesn't violate his trust and break things.

    Posted by Ashlyn September 8, 09 05:50 PM
  1. I drink and flirt with men for a huge salary. Although "hostessing" used to be considered shameful, it is a more attractive option for young women.The lowest paid hostesses earn at least $30 an hour, while the highest paid can earn up to $300,000 a year.
    Boston doesn't pay much.I am considering moving.

    Posted by Robert Swiver September 8, 09 07:58 PM
  1. TF Teacher in flirting,
    if I didn't snoop, how will I know that you can be taken to 40,000 mts high and dropped ?
    nice men finish last! most won't even look in the eye and say ! are busy on cell-phones!
    the best revenge is live a good life ! so he flirts, she flirts forever!

    Posted by Coach flirt Cox September 8, 09 08:04 PM
  1. OKay, here's my $.02: I've been there, done that with the whole jealous girlfriend snooping on her playa guy before (and I am the girl in the relationship). Not proud of it, but there it is. I've never checked emails, even when I had the chance, but I did take a look at my boyfriend's phone once. But now I don't even do that, because I choose to trust him.
    The thing is, with statistics being that perhaps half of all married men engage in some kind of extramarital fling during their lives, we don't have a whole lot of fidelity to go around... and maybe I agree with Meredith in that flirting is not the worst thing in the world. From my experience, a guy likes to feel like he can get a hot girl, even if he is already in a relationship. It's just his nature (for some guys - unfortunately, often the hot ones themselves...haha). You either trust that he will maybe flirt and maybe get into questionable situations, but remain ultimately faithful because you are an awesome girl and he has a brain, or you become a jealous witch who loses her own life because she is so immersed in the life of her casanova boyfriend (and that's soo not worth it)...
    I think it's really up to you what you decide to do. Yes, infidelity hurts. A lot. But flirtations and even caring about someone else while you're in a relationship are normal and human, and we can't help those feelings. If you are not able to trust someone to the extent that you have to hack into their account, then something is wrong. Maybe not with you or your boyfriend in general, but with the relationship. Once that trust is gone, it's gone. It takes years to rebuild it if at all.

    Posted by former boston dweller September 8, 09 08:22 PM
  1. OK, you snooped. But why? well...now we know b/c deep down you felt insecure about your boyfriend and guess what?! you were right!!! and that is what sucks!

    You are still in denial b/c you talk about how great he is. Listen, he is a cheater. Guys that are in love aren't writing to their friends if they could get away with cheating. Then he goes and puts a password on...why? not so you can't look, mainly so he can flirt and cheat on you.
    To sound mean but I have to shake you out of your denial: I can already tell your type. If we had videotape of your guy, meeting up with a woman, having drinks, putting his arm around her...you would rationalize it.
    This email has ALL TO DO WITH YOU and nothing about him. He is a low life...GET OUT and gain the self respect and confidence you lost along the way. As jerky as I sound, I wish you the best, truly! AND get out of this sick relationship as fast as you can. Good luck!

    Posted by lisa September 8, 09 08:35 PM
  1. Oh please

    Posted by lisalisa September 8, 09 08:52 PM
  1. You know, I'm a little bit older and I come back to this all the time: I just would NOT have survived building a long-term relationship in this age of so much snoop-able stuff. If it had been around me & mine back then - emails, Blackberries, text messages, records of cell phone calls - it would have been shouting at me: Snoop! Snoop! I'm right here! What are you waiting for!! Thank God I got married way before all this stuff was out there.

    I think this is a huge downside to the age of PDAs. What used to be personal ain't so personal any more. Anything can be misconstrued and if you're not perfect, you're in for trouble. And I don't have a scrap of advice for poor LW, except best of luck and ignore these people who say "don't snoop." How in the world could you not?!

    Posted by Lucky-I'm-From-The-Dark-Ages September 8, 09 08:54 PM
  1. Love can not live where there is no trust! Grow up!

    Posted by TSCG September 8, 09 09:07 PM
  1. first of all, you need to learn how to summarize - i could have said this all in 5 sentences. my husband reads my emails and gets mad when I put innocent stuff like refer to someone as hot in an email to a girlfriend - someone I woudl never touch because I would never cheat. i needed a tiny little bit of my old single sself to keep me sane, but would never act on any of it. i change my password, even though i have no infidelity to hide, he figures it out. now everythign i write is under the assumption that he will read it, and I have lost all remnants of my old single self and feel totally suffocated. this is what you've done to him. he probably would have been happy to keep his innocent enough emails going and remained faithful to you, but now you've cut that out he's ging to feel stifled and will eventually dump or cheat on you and you have no one but yourself to blame

    Posted by Anonymous September 8, 09 09:08 PM
  1. Bottom line:

    THE GUY IS CHEATING ON HER AND SHE KNOWS IT.

    End of story.
    I don't care how she found it out but she found it out.

    DUMP HIM.

    Posted by Shecky28 September 8, 09 09:59 PM
  1. Gosh, are we back in high school again????? Stop snooping around! Before you know it, you probably will stealing! Do you and him a favor, break up and move out on your own and be your own woman and grow up!

    Posted by whowrotethissh$t September 8, 09 10:03 PM
  1. Geez, people are being really mean about this girl snooping.

    As my mom says, Trust in God and all others check up on. Snoop away. If he's honest and decent, you wouldn't have found anything, you'd have been satisfied and happy and you would be fine.

    But you found stuff that is very very suspect. He's a jerk. He is exactly what you suspect he is and deep down you know it. At bare minimum, he doesn't make you feel safe. Get rid of this loser boyfriend.

    Posted by Lisa September 8, 09 10:10 PM
  1. The things you've intentionally come across show that he is not the guy you thought he was. He may still be a good guy, but he is not the one you built your relationship around. So, can you love this new guy who is more crude and rude than the one you loved before? If so, well then no need to break up. If not, keep looking. Like, meredith said, everyone says/does "creepy" things sometimes, but if you think he may just be more of a jerk, more often than you can stand, get rid of him.

    Posted by lala September 8, 09 10:14 PM
  1. Fievel, Q, and all other whiners complaining about boring Love Letters: either write in, encourage people you know to do so, or stop reading and making b*tchy comments about how bored you are.

    Posted by Tricia September 8, 09 10:28 PM
  1. A married friend of mine once checked his wife's email (now ex-wife) and found out that she was having an affair with an old high school teacher. It wasnt just flirting going on in the email -- the ex- was talking about living with her lover. What is worst is that my friend has an infant son with his ex- and she was basically involving the son in her affair. It was very fortunate that my friend checked his wife's email because this affair could have psychologically damaged his son.

    As far as I am concern, you should break up with this guy.

    Posted by dr. dan September 9, 09 12:12 AM
  1. Love may not last forever, but email does.
    Don't put anything in writing, unless you actually want it to be, duh, in writing.
    Not too long ago, not every hotel or coffee shop had wireless email access. My husband was on a business trip, and he called home and asked me to check his email for him because he was expecting something important. No big deal.

    Posted by cm September 9, 09 12:22 AM
  1. Ever notice how women change once they land the guy?

    Then the fun chick disappears, and the shrill, strident, snooping shrews come out of the woodwork. Ladies, chill. Life should be fun, even if you are in a monogamous (ha-ha) relationship. Stop torturing your guys if you want to keep them.

    Posted by Lance Romance September 9, 09 07:34 AM
  1. I have sat at my husband's desk using our computer for 30 years and have never opened a drawer or a file.

    You can't live with someone you can't trust, and if you can't trust anybody, you need to professional help. And I don't mean talking to your cat.

    Serious problems here.

    Posted by Kimball'sMom September 9, 09 09:04 AM
  1. No 166. has nailed it.

    Love,,
    #133

    Posted by Anonymous September 9, 09 09:18 AM
  1. What have our values come down to. A guy in love with someone wouldn't even think of others. That is why I am so against moving in with each other. They're is no commitment. He's trying her on like a pair of shoes to see if she fits, while exploring other possibilities. The only reason he hasn't cheated is because the liasons didn't pan out.

    A person in love doesn't put them selves in a smelly situation.

    Posted by jojobobo September 9, 09 09:18 AM
  1. Quite simply, she is the problem. Snooping, and yes, she's the mystery e-mailer--why would she know so much about it? I feel sorry for the guy who actually puts up with this. She is a colossal loser. She's the cheater--violating trust for no reason other than "the phone was just there." Doing it, just because she can. She has the gall to write a letter to a newspaper looking for sympathy and titles her letter, "Should I trust him?" It should have been titled, "how do I earn the trust of my boyfriend since I'm a snooping sleazeball?"

    Posted by Duh September 9, 09 09:25 AM
  1. OMG Sally post #6 RIGHT ON GIRL! I didn't even put it 2gether that the writer could indeed be the second emailer...testing her boyfriend...very observant!!! I wonder...

    Posted by Chris September 9, 09 09:29 AM
  1. ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER...DUMP HIM & MOVE ON...

    Posted by ME September 9, 09 09:36 AM
  1. If you are going to snoop, ladies, YOU NEED TO BE WILLING TO ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES. Say to yourself before you snoop, Will I break up with him if it "looks" like he is cheating? Will i break up with him if he "is" cheating? Will I tell him why I am dumping him? Will I confess that I snooped and try to fix the relationship? Or will I just let this eat me up and not tell him but be mad at him for "no reason" other than something I read while snooping?

    Or maybe you could just not snoop to begin with?

    Posted by bad name September 9, 09 10:03 AM
  1. Ditto 166 and 168. A man should be an open book. This guy isn't, and doesn't want to be. We have no way of knowing if he's cheated or not, but something is still amiss in this relationship. You clearly sense that, which is probably why you looked at his stuff in the first place. Lisa 188 said it best - he doesn't make you feel safe. Can you honestly say that this guy's top priority in life is your wellbeing? Trust your gut - its sole function is to protect you. Good luck!

    Posted by gigi September 9, 09 10:15 AM
  1. Sasha,

    Creepy! If you are sleeping with or flirting with someone else, how is that a "private self"? That's a public, deceptive self. Why don't you try finding an honest self.

    Posted by hippydippy September 9, 09 10:31 AM
  1. This poor guy can't even breathe without your permission. He should dump you immediately because you are such high maintenance.

    Posted by Marcodot September 9, 09 12:22 PM
  1. don't follow the crowd. this guy is a bum and most of the posters here are too. you all want your cake and eat it too.

    Posted by selah September 9, 09 01:16 PM
  1. #166
    "It appears like a lot of the snoopers do find information that only confirms what they've suspected. So what's so wrong with them getting what the need to move on and find someone who will truly love and respect him or her?"

    You seem to miss the point that you've stepped out of the relationship the moment you snoop. If you don't trust your partner - whether it's because of his misbehavior or simply your own paranoia, something is fundamentally wrong.

    If you're with someone who is untrustworthy, then leave. If you're simply paranoid, then get help.

    And for those of you who think you can reach any conclusions about this guy based on her side of the story...tsk tsk.

    Jumping to conclusions must be the best exercise you get.

    Posted by George September 9, 09 01:19 PM
  1. I can't believe you read his email.... you should be kicked to the curb

    Posted by anon September 9, 09 01:22 PM
  1. I wouldn't blame the blackberry, you clearly seem able to "ruin [your] life" all by yourself. Grow up.

    Posted by geocool September 9, 09 01:26 PM
  1. I agree with brklynmama - you do sound very young and I say that with all kindness. Girls have been snooping long before email and whether or not you think it's despicable, it certainly isn't wise, unless you're planning a court case. So far, you have made some big commitments for your relationship - you relocated, you moved in - and I think you want to know that he is growing more committed and it hurts that he isn't.But, it's o.k. to have fun and flirty relationships with a lot of people when you're young. Even if you have a boy/girlfriend, you can do this without disrespecting the relationship or misleading people about your intentions and availability. I always thought this was what being young was all about. I think when a young couple moves in together, the young woman usually drops her fun-and-flirties and the young man doesn't, like she's married and he's not. This guy doesn't sound at all like a monster, it just sounds like he's being normal for a young man .. who's not quite ready to live with someone.
    Get yourself a space of your own and don't run your day around what your boyfriend may or may not be saying to someone else.

    Posted by katvantas September 9, 09 01:29 PM
  1. #79 - I hope that's your real name so all the single guys in Mass. will know to avoid you like the plague. You sound just as neurotic as the LW.

    Posted by ChuckD September 9, 09 02:16 PM
  1. LW, the saving grace in your day is that someone has admitted to doing something even more foolish than you have. Hopefully you've learned your lesson, and I'm just going to move on to her now.

    Elisabeth F, now you, my friend need to write to Meredith to ask her why it is so remarkably stupid to be excited that your married BF introduced you to his son in a business setting. Sounds like you're practically a step-mom now. Congratulations!

    Posted by marriedmom September 9, 09 02:35 PM
  1. Twenty five years into our marriage I was told by my now ex-husband that he had created a profile of himself on a Spirituality website two years prior...when we had hit a rough patch...lo and behold through the Divine Intervention of God a woman responded to his profile and they began correspondence...surprise, surprise innocent chatter about spiritual things led to her understanding his amazing gifts and this turned phone calls, gift sending, a visit and culminates with a divorce...why do I share this...because people (in my case my husband) can really be drawn into anonymous cyber connections that sometimes then really influences their behavior ( as well as their rationalizations of said behavior). It can become like a drug you can't get enough of and may significantly influence choices and relationships.
    Maybe this guy is just doing what people do, especially when they think that there is no one watching...but isn't that where integrity comes into play? Integrity is also called into question in terms or reading another's texts...both parties need to look at what is the "subtext" of these behaviors and evaluate their own motivations and trust issues.

    Posted by imadandy September 9, 09 02:40 PM
  1. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck,
    it's a duck!

    Posted by Felicia September 10, 09 06:50 PM
  1. I was in a realtionship like this for more than 4 years and it just got worse and worse- even when we moved past something like this it would happen again- i would snoop again- i would find things in context or out of context and it would just spiral

    I would get out- there are guys out there who will make it easy to trust believe it or not- and you deserve that!

    Posted by JJ September 11, 09 12:35 PM
  1. Silly girl! If a guy wants to cheat, or flirt, or be inappropriate with another woman he'll make it happen regardless of wether you snoop or not. If he's doing it through email, now he'll immediatley delete them, and then delete his trash. Same with text messages.

    My advice would be to stop acting like a crazy, insecure jealous girlfriend. If he does have a wandering eye you aren't doing yourself any favors by acting this way. It's only going to drive him further away. Stop accusing him of cheating..because eventually, he'll do it to try and escape your craziness. And for god sakes, stop snooping, it's rude and deceitful.


    Posted by Northshoregirl September 12, 09 11:31 AM
  1. What is a shame these days, is that no matter how much you want to trust someone, people do cheat so much more than you think. I think if you have suspicions you have the right to check things out.

    Posted by Anonymous September 15, 09 04:05 PM
 
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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