Peter Pan or Ray Romano?
Q: Hi Mere,
Nice to finally be writing in after reading this column for so long now! Also, looked at that Spanish hotel that you mentionedÖpacking my bags!
Well here it goes Ö
I just turned 25 and I want a man!!! Iíve already got a boyfriend, but I want a man.
Hereís the dealÖ My boyfriend (32) and I have been going out for about a year and we are living together (2 mos. now, mutual idea), however, I think that he acts very childishly.
Just to give you an idea, here are a few examples. He jokes about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, even when itís not appropriate to do so. In fact, he once told me that he will never let an opportunity for a joke pass him by (which, btw, he doesnít). This becomes a problem when I need to talk about serious things with him and he responds back with jokes. I am not getting the emotional support that I need from him.
On top of that, he always wants to hang out with his friends, which I am rarely invited in on because itís ďguy time.Ē Although, Iíve seen the way they act when they all get together and I donít feel slighted in the least! But they all go to the same gym Monday thru Wednesday (7-10pm) and then almost every weekend (Thursday thru Saturday) they drink beer and hang out at bars/clubs. And letís not forget that Sunday is football ALL day. So if you look at the timeline Ö I get my bf to myself m-w from 6-7 and 10-12, Saturday mornings (usually when I have to run my errands), and then on Sunday, but I have to suffer through football. However, I will be honest and say that if I gripe a bit heíll usually cave in and spend some real quality time with me.
I noticed this behavior before, but it wasnít so bothersome because we werenít living together. However, as anyone who lives with their lover can tell you, everything is exaggerated within the close living quarters. Itís not like Iím looking to get married anytime soon, but I am ambitious and I have goals that I would like to reach, some major ones before 30, and I would like a guy whoís on the same page. Not one who is 32 and still trying to relive his college partying days.
Now I donít want to be mistaken for a prude, because I can let loose and joke around with the best of them. But Iíve already done the high school and college thing and my 20s are nearly over (not that Iím depressed about that Ö although ask me again when Iím 30!) and I want to (although donít feel any pressure to) start acting older and more mature.
Whatís most frustrating for me is the fact that heís way older than I am (7 yrs), and because of that, I feel like he should be at the mature stage already, yet heís not. We've talked about this and he says that this has been -- and will continue to be -- his personality. He probably wonít change (some of it has to do with the fact that he looks so young in the face that he feels like he can still get away with acting young), so I have no misconceptions about how long our relationship will last.
However, this LL is about men in general and not my bf in particular. Because while I know that he and I will probably not make it down ďLife StreetĒ hand-in-hand, when we finally do move on (I assume when the lease is over), I want to know if whatís in store for me is an even older version of the same nonsense.
My questions are: do men ever GROW UP? Do men always remain boys and act like Ray Romano? Because if so, Iíd rather be single forever then have to deal with a man who acts like a child -- i.e. Jon Gosselin.
– 32 going on 21, Allston
A: 32GO21, Ray Romano? Really?
I want that to be the first and last time we mention Ray Romano on Love Letters.
But I do like ďLife Street.Ē I imagine Life Street as the opposite of Splittsville. As in, ďHe wanted to travel with me down Life Street, but we were already in Splittsville.Ē
Life Street also makes me think of ď21 Jump Street.Ē
But about your letter Ö youíre well aware that youíre dating a guy in his 30s who spends a strange amount of time at the gym. But youíre already planning to break up with him, so we donít have to deal with that issue. (Although -- do you have to wait until the lease is up? It seems weird to live with someone for months and months when you already know itís over).
Youíre asking me if men grow up. Sure they do. So do women. But donít confuse interests with maturity. If you want a man who shares your interests Ė someone who is less interested in beer and the gym Ė thatís what you should be looking for. Your guy knows who he is and what heís capable of. He has been clear about it. That actually takes some maturity.
My point is -- just because someone is out until 2 a.m. every night doesnít make them immature. Likewise, a guy who behaves like a grown-up isnít necessarily a grown-up on the inside.
Youíre a good example of that. You like to do grown-up things -- but you also know that you still have a lot of growing up to do.
Look for someone who shares your interests. That seems to be the issue here.
Readers? Is she ready for Life Street? Is this about maturity? Do men grow up? Is this even a gender issue? Share thoughts here.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.