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He is very busy

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  October 2, 2009 07:55 AM

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TGIF.

1. Comments will increase on the page, but the techies didn’t tell me when. Trust me -- I’m being very aggressive about it (I sent them your comments yesterday).
2. Yes, we’re having a music contest. Why are we doing this? We mention music so much on this site … and frankly, I thought it would be cool if a local band got some good exposure. Tell all of your musician friends, please.
3. I went to see Dr. Ruth speak last night. I think she might be a genius. I mean, she's an 81-year-old woman who speaks freely about why everyone deserves grilled cheese. My hero.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am having a difficulty making a decision whether to end things with a guy I’ve been seeing. I met this guy many months ago online. Things started off well and he seemed very interested. Then he left for a multi-month trip over the summer. He kept in touch frequently and when he returned to Boston things continued where they left off and seemed to be going well for a while up until recently.

For the last month and a half, I have seen this guy less than 5 times. He has been out of town for a considerable amount of time (for social reasons) and also recently started a new semester of grad school. I have tried to address the situation by telling him that if he is interested in other girls or isn’t interested in me anymore to please let me know sooner rather than later so I can move on. Every time this happens he responds saying that he is still interested, he is just extremely busy, even though I point out he is just as busy now as he was when I first met him and managed to see me quite a bit. He has acknowledged that his behavior hasn’t been great and that he appreciates my patience with the situation, while saying that he doesn’t want to make promises that he can’t keep because he is “wary of his priorities” (obvious I’m not one of them!). He also told me that his last few relationships ended very badly and that he has a difficult time “trusting girls” and wants to take things slow.

I have asked my friends what they think about the situation with most of my girlfriends saying that I shouldn’t even give this guy an ounce of my energy and time, while my guy friends think that despite I have known him since the spring, because he had been gone for a while over the summer, I haven’t really “dated” him that long and I still need to be patient. I don’t think he is dating other people, because he will talk about wanting me to do things with him in a month or so that he is planning, but I guess you never really know. He told me that he always has fun with me and he promises to end things if things change on his end.

I know that things need to either change or I need to move on. However, I'm willing to stick it out for a bit longer if this guy is genuinely busy.

In a town where everyone is busy at what point does busy just become an excuse for something else going on?

– Tired of excuses!, Boston

A: TOE!, I’m with your lady friends on this one.

My friend Danielle always says that “busy is bunk.” I’m with her on that. I’d describe myself as a pretty busy person, but when there’s something I really want to do (for instance, see Dr. Ruth talk about orgasms on a Thursday night), I make it happen. I rearrange my schedule. I make it a priority.

Even if your guy is legitimately swamped with events and trips, he doesn’t sound like the man for you. You’re looking for someone who will actually be present in your life. After many months, this guy has proven that he’s just not around enough to make you happy. Maybe if you were a traveling grad student, you’d like the casual nature of this relationship. But you’re not. You want more.

I also don’t like this: He promises to end things if things change on his end. That certainly suggests you don't have much of a say in this relationship.

And this? He has a difficult time “trusting girls.” I mean, come on.

This relationship hasn’t been good for your head -- and I think it’s time to meet someone who’s actually around.

But this is a democracy. Readers? Is busy bunk? Or are the letter writer's guy friends right to say this busy man deserves a chance? Wouldn’t it be cool if Dr. Ruth and I were roommates, and we watched “Law & Order” together while eating caramel corn and drinking diet coke and talking about your problems? Share here. Letters to the right, please.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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