Love Letters: The Results Show (part 1)

As promised, we’re doing part 1 of “Love Letters: The Results Show” today. I’m going to post two updates. Tomorrow, you’ll get a few more (including grilled cheese).

Uneasy’s update is below. We apparently buoyed her. I like that.

I saw in the LL intro today that you were looking for follow-ups on reader's favorite letters. My inquiry was far from a "favorite" (at least one person called it boring and I think you got more responses that day about the italics vs. non question). Nonetheless, I thought I'd give you a quick update.

I was the person who wouldn't snoop to illuminate whether or not my husband was faithful or not. I really appreciated your response and got helpful ideas and support from many readers. That weekend (I wrote on a Friday), I had a calm discussion with him saying, "I know you're really tired of my doubts, but here's where I'm coming from.” I rode out his anger and annoyance over bringing it up yet again (I often shut up and shut down). I let him say why it bugged him so much, and was calmly able to say why I had doubts (his pattern of lies, reading too much in the media about "typical marriages," staying in contact with his old girlfriends, etc.)

Our two hour conversation was like two years of therapy. What really worked this time was I stayed grounded and calm with the voices of you and your readers to buoy me. I knew my doubts weren't unfounded and I also knew I needed to come from a loving place. I communicated that I was committed to working to improve our relationship and asked that he do the same. In some ways, it was like a renewal of our vows.

Since then, there's been more warmth, physical affection, patience, and calm in the house. He still has his moments, but instead of getting "hooked", I've tried to stay in a loving place. I've had my moments, and suggested to him that he not take it personally either. I trust him more.

-- Uneasy

Good for us. We helped.

This next one is from May. The ending isn’t as happy.

Here’s the original letter.

And the response:

First of all, I really want to thank everyone for their advice and insight. I really liked the readers' comments, and I honestly felt 90% better about the situation after reading everyone's advice. So thank you.

Unfortunately, the situation got a little more complicated and ugly. My boyfriend had a falling out with a business associate/friend, and when he attempted to go after this guy for damages and losses, the guy went a little crazy. What's really unfortunate for me is that this guy's method of "getting back" at my boyfriend and trying to scare him away from taking him to small claims court was to tell me that he had been cheating on me -- that he really wasn't a nice guy, that one woman would never be enough for him, etc. So he basically sliced my Achilles’ heel.

As much as I wanted to believe my boyfriend, there was that tiny screaming voice in the back of my head -- what if it's the truth? It's been devastating for me mentally and emotionally because I started to doubt everything. He finally broke up with me because he felt that the trust was gone and things were irreparable -- but he didn't blame me for feeling the way I did. He understood where I was coming from and said he might have felt the same if the tables were turned.

We stayed apart for a month and a half, and then we both missed each other so much that we wanted to give it another try. We had a lot of discussions and realized that we should give it another go.

Since the reconciliation, things have been good between us, but not always so good in my head. He acts like he really loves me, wants me, sees this relationship as a potential long term one, etc, etc. But I can't shut off that nagging voice in the back of my head that screams "What if his ex-business partner/friend told me the truth? What if he likes a girlfriend who's always there for him and a few on the side at the same time?" I can't figure out if I'm subconsciously trying to find an "out" because I'm afraid of possibly being hurt, or is this my intuition telling me that something really is wrong? I still punish myself mentally for not figuring out that my last boyfriend was cheating on me for so long. As strange as it may sound, I'm not worried about him going out one night, finding the woman of his dreams, and coming home and telling me that he met his soul mate and needs to end our relationship. What I am worried about is him "dating" other people while still in a relationship with me. Basically, I'm worried that what that guy told me could be true. Anything could be true, so how do I find out what's really going on?

I have been sooooooo tempted to snoop so many times because I feel like I just need to know -- but at the last second I just can't get myself to do it. It's an invasion of privacy. It just doesn't feel right, as it shouldn't. But that annoying voice tells me to do it just to get peace of mind one way or another.

Unfortunately, I glanced at his phone one day (no -- it was NOT intentional) while he was texting and it was something that was right on the fence ... it could have been something, or it could have been nothing. Basically he was asking one of his female acquaintances to meet up with him one afternoon (when I would have been at work). I didn't see what her response was but he texted back that he was bummed that it wasn't going to happen. I casually asked him who he was texting and he said it was nothing, just a friend. Now I sometimes get mad at myself for not just looking at his phone later to figure out what it was really about. I can't figure out why he would have to meet up with this person, but maybe there's an innocent answer to it.

I am getting professional help just to help get these thoughts and issues figured out, and it has been improving. But I feel like I just want to know either way. Is he as good and nice as he seems to be or was his deranged ex-business buddy really telling me the truth and he just likes to have his cake and eat it too?

-- Wary in Ware

Woah. Readers? Looks like we need round two with Wary. Get to it.