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Desperately seeking closure

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 13, 2009 08:51 AM

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Happy Friday.

Some of you are sending your “Twilight” contest entries through the regular Love Letters site instead of e-mailing me separately, which means I’m getting letters about vampires mixed in with the regular bunch. It’s sort of amusing, actually. But please, label all contest entries so we don’t wind up have a day’s worth of discussion about what it’s like to flirt with a werewolf.

Also, I’ve been informed by a lovely reader that we have a small group of participants in Australia. Quite exciting, yes? They apparently comment very late (or early?), so it might be worth checking the previous day’s comments to see if they weighed in. Australian readers – feel free to identify yourselves as down-under delegates. Nice to meet you.

This letter is supposed to be about closure, but I think it’s about something else.


Q: My boyfriend of three years and I broke up almost seven months ago and it's been really hard for me to get any closure.

We struggled through a long distance relationship for over a year and a half, which finally ended with him saying he couldn't do it anymore at one of the lowest points I had been at in my life (I had to move home because half of my family lost their jobs, and just realized I would have to put my dog to sleep, among other things).

Let me just mention throughout our relationship, I was the one with the job, paid for everything, tried to help him finish school, etc. He had no follow-through with anything, had no cell phone, no job for most of the time, and could never make any real decisions other than breaking up with me, which I am glad about because I know our relationship was going nowhere good and couldn't do it myself.

The thing that I am having the most difficulty with is that I have a feeling like he cheated on me or was having some sort of "thing" on the side with his one and only friend who happened to be a girl. He had denied it the day we broke up when I asked, but according a bunch of sources like Facebook and his family members, I have the impression that he basically now lives at her apartment.

I refuse to believe he is sleeping on the couch every day because she has one other roommate so I know he is not occupying the other room.

I feel like I need to know the truth about what happened in order to get closure and move on even though I know it will be extremely painful if I am right about the two of them. I have tried to contact him a couple of times, but he has been completely unresponsive. Even more strange -- when we broke up, I called up his friend to say goodbye because she and I had become good friends, but she completely ignored me as well.

I understand her allegiance to him as his friend, but I found this to be a really strange and immature response.

I can't shake this gut feeling I have, but feel as though there is no way to find out the truth. How do I get the answers I need so I can leave this bad relationship in the past for good? I don't want to resort to being the crazy ex-girlfriend and I feel like I have come way too far to backtrack like that, but don't know if I will truly be able to move on without knowing for sure what happened.

The general consensus of my friends is to leave it alone as to avoid opening an entirely new can of worms. I can't help but think they're probably right. But knowing myself, I feel like it's a possibility that will haunt me in the future and it won't just end by ignoring it. Please help.

– Need Closure, Massachusetts

A: NC, he’s dating her. And living with her. End of story.

I mean, I don’t know that for sure, but let’s pretend I do. Guts are often right. So believe yours, and then move on.

I don’t know why you think the truth will bring you closure. This guy is never going to answer all of your questions, and even if he does, you’ll always have more.

Assume the worst and start following the advice of your friends by letting go.

We talk a lot about imaginary concepts on this site – soul mates and the idea of “the one.” Part of me believes that closure is also somewhat of a myth. There’s no real, final closure. There’s only perspective, which comes with time.

Start changing your perspective on your own -- because a guy who gave so little during your relationship is not going to bring you peace now.

Readers? Will the truth set her free? Or am I right? Share.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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