Hope you had a very nice weekend. Sorry I'm late. Computers were down here. If you missed the last letter and the bartender update, they're here.
Q: Hi Meredith (and everyone else ;-),
I have an interesting situation. For a bit of background, Iím 28 and have been dating pretty steadily since I was 17, including one 7.5 year relationship that ended about a year and a half ago. Since then, Iíve seen a few different guys. I donít really have a hard time finding guys to date, but I donít believe in leading guys on when I donít see it going anywhere. I guess you could say I like the Ďspark.'
The first week of the football season, I threw a party. All of my friends, both girls and guys, are big fans. Usually when I throw parties, everyone is invited. One of my male friends brought his boss. When they walked through the door, it was like someone kicked me in the chest. I havenít been that instantaneously attracted to someone ever. I literally made an excuse to walk away from the front door because I needed a moment to catch my breath. We spent the day pretending not to look at each other while not being able to take our eyes off one another. At about 6, he got a phone call. It became clear very quickly that he was expected somewhere else, and not single as I had hoped. (This is the point where Iím definitely not proud of my behavior.) He had taken the phone call in the bathroom, and I waited in the hallway for him to come out. We went into my bedroom, ostensibly so he could meet my dog. I looked at him and asked him what his situation was, and he said it was complicated, but asked for my phone number. We did kiss a couple of times (there was drinking, but itís really no excuse).
He left shortly thereafter, and I got the story from his friend. He apparently had been in a 7 year relationship, left it to be with someone else, and then realized that was not what he wanted and moved back in with his old girlfriend. They are still together, but both of them realize that theyíre not moving forward or getting married. And he hates her family.
He texted me 15 minutes after he left, and we texted each other for a week straight (not exactly the cleanest texts in the world either). The next weekend, he came on a scavenger hunt with my friends and me. The more time I spent with him, the more I felt the connection not just physically but emotionally. We skipped out on the end of the scavenger hunt and ended up back at my place. I donít usually move so quickly, but Iím not exaggerating when I say it was the best sex Iíve ever had. We had both fallen in deeply, very quickly. We actually had a conversation about how we didnít believe in soul mates, but we thought that we had found ours. Fast forward two months, and I hadnít seen him nearly as much as I would have liked (but I knew he still wanted me). He told me that he was searching for apartments, but after a trip home to his family he seemed to be reconsidering his current relationship. I told him that I would support whatever he felt he needed to do, but I found myself completely unable to not want to be with him.
A month ago, I told him that I was going to disappear until he had his other situation figured out. After all, it had only been two months and if he came back, fabulous. If not, then Iím sure thereís someone better out there for me. Thereís been no contact since Ė he didnít even respond to that message. But I seem unable to let him go. I keep fighting with myself Ė do I go see him? Do I tell him I still want him? Or do I just chalk it up to a mishandled situation, and learn from it?
– Strangely Still Heartbroken, Brookline
A: SSH, there are certain people who give off a strange magnetic vibe. Theyíre exciting. Theyíre electric. They buzz.
Some of these electric people use their powers for good. Some donít. Some donít know what to do with their powers and wind up hurting people along the way. Iíve found that many of these electric people work in the entertainment industry. It seems to be a good fit. They donít mind attention.
You met an electric, magnetic, buzzing person. Sadly, Iím not so sure heís one of the best ones. He sounds confused and cowardly. To say he ďmishandledĒ things Ö well, thatís being very nice.
But know this: The heartbreak youíve described isnít really heartbreak. Itís disappointment amplified by rejection. Itís the letdown that comes after youíve been dropped by an electric person. Start defining it correctly and youíll probably be able to get over it faster.
Keep reminding yourself that he was all buzz, no bite. I think thatís the lesson here Ė sparks arenít enough on their own. Sometimes theyíre just false advertising.
You sound pretty electric, yourself. Youíre social and independent. Youíre funny and passionate. Now you know that you should always use those powers wisely.
Readers? Is it her own fault that she got burned? Can these electric people ever sustain their spark? How can she get over this? Share here.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.