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Hooked up with the bartender

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 17, 2009 08:52 AM

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My casting choices for this one: Kate Hudson as the letter writer, Bradley Cooper as the bartender, and Betty White as the crazy aunt. Because that’s how it’s done.

Q: Where to start? I guess at the beginning, right? So about two months ago, I attended a friend's wedding the weekend of my 30th birthday in North Carolina. This was a wedding none of my Boston friends would be going to, and I would be the lone single girl. (My friend actually told me that I would be the only single girl attending…guess who would be getting that bouquet!)

I meet this guy the first day there. He was the bartender in the hotel where the wedding was taking place -- in North Carolina. I thought that he was cute and nice, but seeing as I lived in Boston and he in NC, nothing would come of it. Now the bride's family (who I adore) encouraged me to talk to him, and one aunt even suggested that I needed to take him back to my room! Is this what happens when you turn 30? People start wanting you to hook up with random strangers? If that is the case, where were they when I was 25? :)

Anyway, one of the nights I was there, I asked NC if he had a girlfriend, and he told me that he was single. I asked him why, telling him “you look great on paper” ... and he comes back with “last year my fiancé cheated on me with my best friend.” Oops...open mouth, insert foot. And right there, I knew that he was emotionally fragile.

The last night I was there, he gave me his number and told me that we could become text buddies. I told him that would be cool, and then he told me that he could come to Boston because there was a girl there that he would like to see. Now I have many, what I like to call "my Jessica Simpson moments" and responded with, I didn't know you had friends in Boston. Yeah, I know...duh?! Oh, and incase you were wondering, we did end up having a rendezvous later that night.

Anywho, I return to Boston, with phone number in tow and true to his word we correspond through text, and to my amazement ... phone calls! Some of the texts were a little racy, and risqué, but then the others were just "thinking of you" texts, or "I wish I could see you", and “I’m starting to miss you.” So after about month of this, he comes out with, I am planning a trip to Boston, would that be ok? And I asked him if he was serious, because if he was, I would be more than excited. He tells me he booked his flight and hotel and would be coming for 5 days.

For some reason, I always thought that he wasn’t going to come, probably because I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but one of my guy friends asked me why would he keep up the charade if he wasn’t planning on visiting and for me to believe him. Since I really couldn’t give him a good answer I started getting excited about his visit and showing him my favorite city spots, as he has never been here before.

Texts and phone calls are going back and forth, texts with countdowns of the number of days until I see you. Then last week, I got a text from him stating “14 days and I am so excited to see you.” I send a response and then nothing. No response. Wait a couple of days, and I send a “Hey how are you?” Nothing. So now I have no idea if he is still coming, or if he is dead in a ditch somewhere, or is freaking out about coming and doesn't know how to tell me.

I also have read “He’s Just Not That Into You” about a 1000 times, since last week. I don’t know how that is supposed to help you, but thought I would share anyway.

I really don’t want him to think that I am stalking him by sending him another text, or worse a phone call, but is there anything I can do at this point, other than listen to old sad country songs?

– Listening to old sad country songs

A: LTOSCS,

He’s not in a ditch. Sorry.

I mean, there’s a 15 percent chance he’ll resurface with a flight confirmation number, but really, haven’t you lost interest in being this guy’s tour guide?

At best, this was going to be an affair, a pleasant distraction. If your connection to him has become less pleasant, cut him off (in your head – because in real life, he has already severed ties).

This isn’t about him “not being into you.” It’s about him being the hotel bartender who hooks up with the single woman at the wedding. He’s that guy. And you’re on the other end of the cliché. You’re the 30-year-old single woman who gets wooed and dismissed after catching the bouquet.

Don’t feel sad about it. You’re an archetype. Do you know how many movies have been made about 30-something single women at weddings? I can think of at least 15. They’re not always great films, but they tend to do well at the box office. Everyone at that wedding was probably living vicariously through you.

My guess is that Mr. North Carolina bartender will turn up soon, just because that’s what those guys do. Maybe he’ll have a good excuse, but you probably won’t trust it. When he does turn up, you can do what the single, 30-year-old woman in the movie is supposed to do. Tell him to buzz off -- and then run around with your friends. Wear a cool outfit and pointy shoes. Sip a fruity drink. Have fun with it. Live the dream.

Readers? Is there anything I’ve missed? Is this guy going to show up? Has this letter writer become a Bridget Jones against her will? Should she do more to find her bartender? Better casting choices? Share.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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