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I dislike her friends

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 24, 2009 09:10 AM

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Her friends belong in a beer commercial. Help.

Q: My real problem is that I don't know if I have a problem, and could use some input from you and your readers. For a little background, I'm 33, got married and divorced in my mid-20s, but have since been enjoying a laid-back single lifestyle. However, I'm getting to the point where I'm interested in a longer term relationship.

Anyway, I met a girl this past spring who I'm crazy about. We've spent a healthy amount of time together, she's attractive, she thinks my jokes are funny, we've enjoyed some in-depth conversations, and worked through some minor disagreements - everything's pointing toward the positive. Until I met her friends. We both grew up in the area and both have our own close circle of friends, but hers are about as cool as my Green Line commute.

Let me try to paint you a picture. Most of her guy friends are the simple, meat-headed type you'd expect to see in a Coors Light ad. Funny topics consist of inside jokes from their high school days or making fun of other people in the room. Not exactly my top two interests. Most of her girlfriends are the type who want to date the aforementioned guys. Their lack of personality reminds me of Stepford Wives but without the class or grace. (I should give the girls a little credit though, they do have their own inside jokes they enjoy laughing at.)

I have to reiterate that I do thoroughly enjoy spending time with my girlfriend. Her lamo friends completely blindsided me, and I still can't imagine her spending time with people like them. I've always heard it’s a bad sign if your friends don't like your boyfriend, but what's the underlying message if your boyfriend doesn't like your friends? Can I just avoid them? Should I address this?? Is our relationship doomed??? Or maybe I'm overreacting...

– At A Crossroads (I Think), Brookline

A: AAC(IT), I don’t think you’re overreacting, but I don’t think this is a relationship killer – not yet.

You're allowed to tell her that you don’t always want to come along for the ride when she visits her friends. And she doesn’t have to come with you when you take a ride on your own personal Green Line. If she can’t deal with that – if she demands that you’re always by her side when she visits her old pals -- then you’re allowed to worry.

The old friends of significant others are like in-laws. It’s fantastic when you happen to like them, but more often than not, the best you can do is learn to accept a group of people you wouldn’t choose for yourself.

Her friends may seem like meatheads, and maybe they are, but you have something in common with them – you all care for the same person, your girlfriend. That should be enough to get you through the occasional dinner party. Also know that you may like these people more over time. When we’re with old friends, we tend to regress. Perhaps some of these people are not so bad one-on-one.

But really, as long as your girlfriend doesn’t expect you to spend oodles of quality time with these friends, I’d say this isn’t a big problem. It’s pretty common.

Try to make the most of it if you can. Stepford Wives who belong in beer commercials? At the very least, it sounds like good people watching.

Readers? Must we like our significant other’s friends? What do her friends say about her? Share.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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