Do I have to share my inexperience?
I’m a little in love with this letter. And unicorns, in general.
Q: I’m hoping you can give me some clear advice on a dilemma I’m facing:
How important is it to be completely forthcoming regarding one’s experience (or lack thereof)? I never thought I’d find myself in this situation, especially having dated quite a bit throughout college and some afterwards, but I’m now in my 30s and am still “inexperienced.” Please don’t misunderstand me…I’m not a prude and have had a lot of fun along the way, but just not that much fun!
When I was in college, I wanted to wait…largely because of my friends’ various experiences…pregnancy scares, abortions, and shotgun weddings…(it was not a religious thing). I just wanted to focus on school, make sure I graduated without a hitch, and date people without any major commitments. I did date someone on and off for a few years, some of which was in college and then beyond, but it just never felt like the right time – either we were still in school, or we were long distance for a while as well. Since that relationship ended, I have dated a few different people, some of whom I’ve very much wanted to take that next step with…I just felt like I was in a place where if something unplanned happened (even with adequate protection) I’d be mature enough and in a financial position to be able to make some responsible decisions even if I had to make them on my own. In a few of these relationships, it seemed like we were both eager to move forward, but as soon as I disclosed my inexperience, they hesitated and disappeared soon afterwards. At first, I thought that maybe the guy was just a jerk, and I was better off not having done that with them if they were just going to disappear without explanation anyways. However, it seems like this has somewhat become a pattern. I’m by no means a control freak. However, I feel like I should be allowed to take part in the decision, and not have it made for me. It doesn’t seem fair, somehow, if we’re both ready and anxious to move ahead that this inexperience should be held against me…should I really be punished for having been extra careful in my earlier years?
I’ve asked my friends about this, and most of them have told me that it’s not fair to the guy to not tell them the truth ahead of time…it can be emasculating for them if they found out during the event (!) But, I kind of feel like it’s even more unfair for me to be left on the sidelines forever though. I just want to get in the game!
I guess I just don’t want to sabotage another good relationship by saying (or not saying) the wrong thing. What are your thoughts?
– Just hanging out with the unicorns, Boston
A: JHOWTU, you’re not a control freak – but you do have strong feelings about who gets to share your pajama time.
It’s great that you have strong feelings about pajama time. Good for you for knowing yourself. But … the drawback of having strong feelings about this stuff is that other people might assume that if they share pajama time with you, they will have to marry you. Or something like that.
You’re right – you shouldn’t be punished for your not-so-exciting past. But in a way, these people are doing you a favor by bailing if they can’t deal with your lack of sexual experience. It’s fine to keep your sexual history (or lack thereof) to yourself – I don’t see that as emasculating for anyone involved – but frankly, I think you should disclose it, because I think you need to be with someone who can accept you (and your fears) without running in the other direction. Your letter suggests that you still feel strongly about sharing intimate experiences with someone who will stick around.
This probably isn’t the answer you want, but I think you should wait it out until you find a person who doesn't run. You say you want to be in the game, but I get the sense you’d rather wait to play the game with someone you trust -- someone who knows your concerns and can laugh with you as you freak out about all things pajamas. Some of my readers are going to tell you to loosen up, and that’s fine, but you know what you’re capable of. Don’t rush yourself if you can’t deal with the consequences.
I know you feel left out, but frankly, unicorns make great company while you wait for … whatever it is you’re waiting for.
Readers? Is she a control freak? Would you date someone who had very little pajama-time experience? Is she being punished for taking this stuff seriously? Share thoughts and unicorns and magic here.
– Meredith
Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a new novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith here and on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.
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