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He kissed someone else

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  December 17, 2009 09:48 AM

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Lots of booze letters this week.

Q: Meredith,

I love your column and appreciate the sincerity of your readers. I'm looking for advice if you have some to give.

My boyfriend and I have been dating quite seriously for about two years. We're both in our late 20s and this is actually the first long-term relationship either of us have had. I am completely in love. He makes me laugh, I respect him, and two years later I still get excited when I see him.

That said, I am not always sure that he feels the same way about me. He is not a very affectionate person and he doesn’t talk about his emotions much. Earlier in our relationship, I felt like I was just a convenient place holder since he didn’t have much time to date.

This weekend, he drunkenly confessed that in September, he kissed some girl at a bar when he was out with his friends (two days before I took him to my hometown across the county to meet my whole family, nonetheless). He says it was nothing and that he didn’t even remember until someone reminded him the next day. Nevertheless, I am upset -- not so much about the kiss but about his reaction when I tried to discuss how I felt the day after his confession, when he was sober.

He sat there and watched me cry. He apologized, but that was it. He didn’t tell me he loved me or even put a hand on my shoulder. Now, I am starting to feel like I used to, like he isn’t really in it. I asked him if he was happy and he said he was. If he's not, I would rather him break things off now. I love him, but I am starting to wonder if I can settle down with someone who openly shows so little emotion.

Am I overreacting? Is it ridiculous that I can forgive a kiss but not his inability to comfort me when I am crying? Do you think a discussion would make a difference? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

– Aftermath of A Drunk Confession, Massachusetts

A: AOADC, you’re not overreacting -- and I think it’s great that you’re focusing on what’s important, his reaction to your feelings, as opposed to a kiss he doesn’t remember.

There are two red flags here:

-- His drunken mistakes. He kissed someone while drunk – and admitted it while drunk. What’s going on? I’m sure this is about age and friends, but it’s a point of concern.

-- When sober, he did a bad job of comforting you. You’ve been dating for two years. He should know how to put you at ease. More than that, he should want to.

I’m not telling you to break-up with this guy. That’s your call and I’m sure there’s a lot we don’t know. But I am validating your concerns about your future with this person. He messed up while drunk, confessed while drunk, and then made you feel worse when he sobered up. What does it all mean? Nothing good, at the moment. I think you need to put it all out there with him. If his only response is that he’s “happy,” I think you have an answer.

Readers? Is the kiss a big deal? Or the lack of love? Or the drinking? What's the problem here? Share.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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