< Back to front page Text size +

Made out with a co-worker

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  December 28, 2009 09:31 AM

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

I hope you enjoyed Christmas. I watched a lot of movies. "Adventureland" and "Star Trek." Good stuff. I didn't realize Winona Ryder was Spock's mom. Weird.

We still have a few holiday “I drank too much” letters to get through. Here’s another:

Q: I started a new job recently where I work with a lot of men. I've been really enjoying my job and have met a lot of great people. A few weeks ago we had a holiday work event and I attended with a few friends. I ended up seeing many of my coworkers out and had an amazing time. It was a long night and I remember most of it -- but drinks got the best of me and I blacked out for the last 45 minutes.

Apparently during this black out time, there was only one co-worker left at the bar. We hung out for a while and apparently kissed, although I do not remember anything and the only person who saw was a friend (no one else was there). The next week at work I found out information that I wasn't supposed to through a friend of a friend. Apparently this co-worker likes me likes me, and has for a while. He also told me that night but clearly I don't remember. Oh and it just gets better.

He has a girlfriend ... who he lives with. He also has made it apparent at work that he isn't happy in the relationship (he's told me and others). I figured this was the type of situation where you just go on pretending like it never happened. However I've been getting emails about nonsense and the flirting at work is getting to be too much. Also, he even asked me to go out after work soon to discuss what happened the night of the party. I'm torn because I don't want to get involved in this situation, but I don't know an appropriate way to get out of it. It's not like it's some random guy I met out one night, I see this man every single day. I need things to work out in some way that will be the best for me and for work, but I just don't know how to do it. Worst part is that I think if he were single I might be interested.

– Holiday Homewrecker, Boston


A: HH, I’m not going to lecture you about blacking out. Oh wait, I am. You should not be drinking until you black out. Especially around people you don’t know very well. Especially when those people are co-workers.

OK. Sorry. I just had to get that out there.

Now let’s get to the problem. This guy is a liner-upper. He’s trying to line you up before he deals with his troubled relationship. You don’t need to get together to talk about that, especially if the idea of an in-person talk makes you uncomfortable.

Write him an email (send it to a personal account, if possible) that explains that you want your work experience to be healthy and normal, which is why he has to leave you be. You can tell him that you think he’s a cool guy – but explain that even if you didn’t work together, all of this would be moot because he has a live-in girlfriend.

Make it clear that you have no interest in an ambiguous friendship with someone else’s live-in boyfriend. You can tell him that if he’s ever single, you can continue the discussion (and really, you may not want to by then), but that at the moment, there’s nothing to discuss. Tell him that the only thing you can do is move on from the weird night. Then do that. My guess is that he'll follow your lead -- or that he'll write you a very long letter proclaiming his crush on you, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

I know this will take some willpower. I read your last sentence. You’re not a bad person for liking him. But it seems like you’re the one who has to set the boundaries.

Readers? Should she get together with him? Is there a future with this guy? Thoughts? Share.

– Meredith



E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

Ask us a question

Required
Required
archives