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Too early for the talk?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  February 2, 2010 09:41 AM

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Sorry I'm late. Just got back from Maryland. I heard there were some technical problems with the blog yesterday. I think they've been fixed.

Some practical matters:

1. The Charles Hotel is offering a special room rate for Love Letters readers for Feb. 12. Most of you live here, but some of you may be coming from other places ... or maybe you want to book a room with friends ... whatever you want. You do not need tickets to Mortified to take advantage of the room rate. Anyone who plans to show up for the pre-party from 8 to 10 p.m. at Noir is welcome to book it. The pre-party is open to all -- no tickets required. The room rate is $199, which is quite a savings at the Charles on a weekend night. To reserve, click here and enter the code "love2010."

2. In other news, the Charles also has a contest going where couples can enter to win a free romance package. To enter, send a cute story about how you met to estefan@charleshotel.com.

And now for the letter ...

Q: Meredith and LL Readers,

Thanks for your column and all the daily responses! They get me through the boring parts of my day.

My question: I'm a 36-year-old woman dating a guy who is the same age. I met him three months ago and things were truly wonderful for the first month. He called me regularly, we had amazing dates (that he planned), we stayed up talking until the wee hours of the night. He told me how lucky he was that he met me and I felt the same way about him. All was good in my world.

Fast forward to a month into the relationship when things suddenly cooled off a little. He was -- and still is -- incredibly kind and fun to be around, but the nice compliments have dropped off entirely. We see each other once or maybe twice per week and he doesn't seem to want more than that.

I am 36 and am looking to find "the one" (he knows this). I want to see more of him but am afraid if I tell him that, I will scare him off. It feels as though he entered the relationship with an open heart but has since put a guard up around himself.

I know a little bit about his dating history and think it has suddenly entered into our relationship and become a barrier for us. He was in a serious relationship for two years and ended it nine months ago because she wanted to get married and he wasn't there yet. He says he still cares about her and sometimes wonders whether he made the right decision by ending it. He said he doesn't think they'll ever get back together, but he wanted to be honest in telling me he still cares for her. I understand this and think it would be more of an issue for me if he didn't care about someone who was such an important part of his life for a significant period of time.

I guess I just am confused about his feelings for her and how they affect his feelings for me. I'm looking for the person I will spend my life with and I truly believe he could be that person. We have a ton of things in common, we always have a great time together, we share values and are intellectually compatible. There's lots of grilled cheese (which he claims is the best ever made for him) and we have wonderful, caring, mutually-enjoyable pajama parties whenever we see each other. I don't want to do anything to push him away but I also don't want to waste my time waiting for him to open his heart back up to me. I don't believe we can meet our amazing potential unless or until he does that.

Should I say something to him? Or should I wait a little longer and let him have some space to work through his past?

– Afraid of falling, Somerville

A: AOF, some readers may disagree, but I kind of think you should be dating other people. Not because this guy is a definite "no," but because he isn't looking to be a definite "yes." At the very least, you should ask the question you want to ask ... "Is this going anywhere?"

He has told you that the only reason he broke up with his ex is because he didn't want to get married. But that's what you want, too. She's not gone. Not in his head, at least.

I'm not worried about the compliments going away. That happens. I am concerned that you want a lot more than he wants to give. Yes, it has only been three months (and some readers will tell you to give it more time before freaking out), but I think you can politely ask him where your head should be with all of this. He has already been pretty forthcoming, which is great. I think he'll tell you the truth. If he seems wishy-washy, I give you permission to keep dating him ... but to spend some time doing some fishing elsewhere.

Readers? Is three months too early for the talk? Is he basically telling her he wants to get back with his ex? Is she wasting her time? Do compliments go away after a few weeks? Share.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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