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Don't want to let him go

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  April 22, 2010 08:42 AM

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It's train wreck Thursday.

Q: I need a help. I've been in love with my co-worker for almost a year now. I originally started at our sister company and helped him train when he started the job. On the second day of training, he turned to me and said something so pretentious that I got really mad at him. Days later, he went off to the other company to work.

At the beginning of last year, my company asked me to help his company temporarily. I saw him again and tried to forget the remark he made months before. While helping out, we started flirting and things went beyond just co-workers and friends. We made sure that if anything happened between us personally, we would not let it ruin our business relationship. Weeks later, his company offered me a full time position and I took it. He was the main factor in my decision.

I began to fall for him and hard. He made it somewhat a point to tell me that wasn't looking for anything serious at the time but being me, I was hopeful. This went off and on for a few months. Halfway through, we got into an extremely petty fight and he refused to talk to me, even at work, so things were strained. Eventually it got a little better and we started seeing each other again.

In February, I got pregnant by him. Part of me really want to keep the baby so that I could still be a part of his life, but I knew that would be wrong and decided to get his opinion on the matter, too. We finally decided this wasn’t the right time. I was heartbroken, and it has plagued me often since.

But that's not why I need help. He recently got a job offer at another company and he'll be leaving in two weeks. I want so much for him to stay but I know that's not possible. I also know that once he leaves, I highly doubt there'll be any kind of contact between us. The questions is, after all this time and everything we've gone through, should I tell him how I feel about him even if it risks getting my heart broken again? How should I approach it if I do gain the courage? And if it doesn't work out, how can I find a way to keep him in my life even if it's just friends?

– Co-Worker Conundrum, Somerville

A: Let me get this straight, CWC. This guy offended you. Then he told you he wasn't looking for a real relationship. Then he gave you the silent treatment in your place of business even though he promised to keep things professional. Then he told you he didn't want you to have his child. Then he took a job with another company and has given you no indication that he wants to keep in touch.

Please don't use your courage to profess your love to this guy. Use your courage to never speak to him again.

You're not an idiot for getting hooked on such a jerk. My guess is that he's so awful most of the time that whenever he's actually into the relationship, you wind up experiencing an addictive inflated high. You've forgotten that in good relationships, the highs aren't so extreme because the lows aren't so horribly low.

Sure, you can tell him how you feel, that you wish you were a couple, but he's not going to reciprocate. He has no interest in that. He has made that clear.

If you need to get dumped by him one more time to believe it, go for it. Get it over with. But wouldn't it be better if you spared yourself the punch to the gut? And as far as friendship goes, who needs to beg for a friend? Should it be such a struggle to get him to keep in touch? He's not your friend. He's your lousy ex. He's a learning experience who's about to walk out the door.

You need a new drug. One that won't make you sick. (Thank you, Huey Lewis.)

Let him go. Start the detox process.

Readers? Can you snap her out of this? Ever wanted someone to stick around who you knew wasn't good for you? Discuss.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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