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Becoming the angry other woman

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 8, 2010 08:51 AM

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There's a new RSVP address for the July 15 movie event.

RSVP here.

If you RSVP'd to events@globe.com, that's fine. Those will be counted, too. Just make sure you RSVP soon. I think we're about halfway to our capacity, and I keep hearing great things about the movie.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am an avid reader of your column and to be honest, I read some of the stuff everyday and think to myself ... how can people involve themselves in these types of situations? Then I found myself in one. Earlier this year, I met a couple at a party while on a trip with a group of my close friends (ages 27-32). It was a weekend away. Everyone was visiting our friend down there and it was good to catch up and meet new people. On the second night of festivities, the guy from the "nice couple" resurfaced without his girlfriend. His girlfriend had decided to stay in at the hotel while he came out with his party pants on. Fast forward to later in the night when everyone was having a good times, good drinks, good laughs and, of course, you guessed it, there was a late night hook-up with Mr. Nice. The next day I figured I'd just ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen. After all, I live in Boston and he lives in halfway across the country, so I would never see him again. He started calling and texting and I replied, setting myself up for drama. Both of our jobs brought us frequently to the same city, and it was there that we began a relationship. I knew this was wrong, as the story always goes, but I didn't have the control to end things or back myself out of this situation.

This secret relationship lasted for about 3.5 months and I began have feelings for this guy. Every time we parted, he claimed he was going to be single the next time I saw him. I laughed and secretly hoped it would be true, although I knew I’d be dealing with a guy straight out of a relationship. I should have written to you then for advice.

As predictable as this story can get, his girlfriend went through his cell phone and found text messages that we wrote to each other. They were bad on so many different levels. I cringe thinking that someone else read these. He got busted and it seemed very intentional and he said he was relieved. I knew she didn't break up with him though, which was mind-boggling. We lost touch for about six weeks while the dust settled and I found out the other day from our mutual friend that he got engaged shortly after he got caught. These stories always end this way, but for some reason, I was telling myself it was going to be different. He is lucky that I am not a crazy psycho, but at this point I feel like turning into one. I'm trying to tell myself that this guy is a loser and to drop it. Out of sight, out of mind isn't working here. I need to be talked out of doing regretful, revengeful things because this news has made me want to be mean. How do people really exist like this aside from Jerry Springer? Thanks for your help.

– Turning from cool girl to crazy girl, Cambridge

A: I'm sorry, TFCGTCG. I mean, you're at fault for much of this (I hate pointing fingers, but we both know it's true), but it still hurts.

I know this is tough, but please remain a cool girl. Yes, this guy is getting married, but that doesn’t mean he's happy -- and it doesn't mean he's any less of a coward. He has to walk around knowing that he was desperate to be single and that he was too lame to do anything about it. He has to say "I do" to this woman knowing full well that he has already betrayed her repeatedly. You don't have to go Springer on him. He has already Springer'd himself. And really, what can you do to get him back? She already knows he cheated.

You're upset because you wanted a boyfriend and you didn't get one. That's all he was -- a placeholder where a boyfriend was supposed to be. You didn't even know him that well, and what you did know about him wasn't appealing. It was just the excitement of a romantic possibility.

Get revenge by pitying him from afar and looking for someone who's all over you in real life. Smiting your enemies and being fatal attraction-ish will just give you gas.

Readers? It seems this reader knew better, so why is she so angry? Is there anything she can do to get back at this guy? Is her issue even about this guy? What does it all mean? Discuss.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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