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I'll be his second proposal

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 15, 2010 09:02 AM

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Those of you coming to the movie tonight -- get there early to get a good seat.

Those of you who didn't get tickets -- please join us at the after-party anyway at Flat Top Johnnys in Kendall Square. We should get there by 9:30, so just see a different movie at Kendall at 7 and we'll meet you over there. Maybe "I Am Love" at 6:40? That would get you out at about the same time.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I don't know if this is one of your typical questions or not, but I'm sort of stuck as to where to go from here.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and half. He's one of the best things that has ever happened to me and we're both head over heels in love. All we do is laugh, have fun, and enjoy each others company. We work together, live together, and have talked about our future with one another. About six months ago, my boyfriend surprised me and took me ring shopping. We found the "perfect" ring (he didn't purchase it then) and went home giddy with excitement over our future.

My hold-up here is this: My boyfriend has been engaged before. He was with someone for almost four years but they broke it off eight months before the wedding. I'm not doubting that he's ready to be with me, marry me, or anything like that. My problem is that I keep thinking, "What if he plans the same proposal?" (which I can fully admit is SUPER silly to even think about let alone stress about). I'm also thinking "will he be as happy/excited/nervous as he was the first time?" I've asked him if he'd share with me the details about how he proposed to his ex, but he told me that he didn't want me to compare the two and that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing that with me as it is in the past. He's been super honest about everything in his past in regards to his ex. Do I tell him it's something that is bothering me or do I let it go? Thank you!

– Silly Girl in Central Mass

A: Yes, the proposal is SUPER silly to stress about, SGICM. It will be different because he's proposing to you. It will be different because he's older and wiser. And do you really think he'd duplicate his first proposal? Give him some credit, please.

My guess is that your anxiety has more to do with your boyfriend's ability to make it work this time around. He was with his ex for four years and the relationship ended. He wants to marry you, but it has only been a year and a half. I don't think that means anything, but I can understand why you'd want proof that he knows what he's doing.

Be honest with yourself. If this is really about understanding why it's different with you, talk to him about that. Let him convince you. But really, get the rest of it out of your head. Second proposals are no less special.

Readers? Is this really about the proposal or is she denying a greater fear about his commitment? What are the odds he's planning the same proposal? Does it matter? What's the story here? Be nice.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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