< Back to front page Text size +

My job or my boyfriend?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 22, 2010 08:21 AM

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

I loved yesterday's letter. Hiding candy from a boyfriend. I have a friend who hid a portable Tetris player from her boyfriend. If anyone tried to keep me from Tetris, I'd have to break up with them.

The book reviews are coming in and they're funny. It's going to be hard for me to pick a winner. I may have to get help.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I never thought I would need Love Letters because I thought I had my relationship figured out -- however I'm a bit torn on the next move in my relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been together about 6 months. We met through an online dating service. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met -- caring, smart, funny and very successful in his job. He built his own home 3 years ago, and it is a truly beautiful home. We talk every night on the phone for at least an hour and spend as much time together as we possibly can, always spending entire weekends together. The catch? He lives 2 hours away from me in New Hampshire. Weeknight dates don't really happen, as we would have to drive at least an hour to even meet in the middle somewhere for dinner. I always go up to visit every weekend, and we've done everything from the ordinary dates of dinner and a movie, to spending wonderful romantic weekends in a seaside town. I've already met most of his family and we usually go out to breakfast with his parents on Saturdays when I'm up there. I'm 24 and he's 32.

My question: he has asked me to move in. However I work and live in the Boston area, so my commute would be at least 4 hours each day round trip. My current living situation is nothing spectacular. I live in a tiny two bedroom apartment with a roommate. My lease is currently month to month, so I can leave at anytime. I really have no ties here to the Boston area, other than my job. I've made a career for myself here, love my job, and know that getting a job up there in this economy would be difficult. I've already browsed around online. My guy's job is a specialized job and he can't transfer anywhere local. He already has an hour commute himself. I wouldn't want him to sell because I love the house (hate the location), and because living in that area is so much more affordable than Massachusetts -- and the housing market is so bad right now the house wouldn't sell for a decent price.

So Meredith & LL readers, what do I do? Move into a new, beautiful home with my dream guy in New Hampshire or just suck it up and keep giving up my weekends to see him for the sake of my career? We've already spoken about marriage in the near future- but he doesn't want to propose until we've lived together for awhile.

– In Love With Him & My Career, Watertown

A: ILWH&MC, the tone of your letter suggests that your boyfriend is the necessity and the job is the luxury. Assuming I'm right about that, you have three options.

1. Quit your job and move in with him. Resent him a bit and find an inferior job once you get up there.

2. Stay in Boston, visit him on weekends, start a job hunt in New Hampshire, and move up there when you find the right gig. This option delays living together/marriage, possibly for a long time.

3. Find an apartment that is an hour closer to New Hampshire so you can have mid-week dates and occasional mid-week sleepovers.

I'm voting for 2 or 3. I'm not sure how urgent he is about the living situation, but if your relationship can take the distance, there's no harm in dragging this out until you find the right job. Make it clear to him that you're starting the job hunt now. You know you're eventually going to live up there, right? My advice is to start making preparations so you can live free or die on your terms. Do more than browse. Start planning your life.

Readers? This is our second distance letter in a week. Have I missed an option? Am I right to say that it sounds like her boyfriend is more important than the job? If that's the case, should she move now? How can she move without resenting him for the career sacrifice? Discuss.

– Meredith

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

Ask us a question

Required
Required
archives