< Back to front page Text size +

Can I grow to love my friend?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 2, 2010 08:53 AM

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

You know, it has been a while since we had an I-got-drunk-and-did-something-stupid letter. It really has. Like months. I was starting to worry.

Q: I'm an avid reader and I am really hoping that you can help me.

I recently started dating a co-worker. Things are going down the normal path of the beginning of a relationship. We talk all the time, exchange flirty looks whenever we see each other, and we have great, fun, adventurous dates. But this co-worker has made it very clear to me on multiple occasions that he is not looking for anything serious right now.

Last weekend I was extremely upset about this. A man who I have shared both a bed and my heart with did not want to be with me in "a serious" manner. I went out drinking with a few of my lady friends. I then started texting a friend who we will call "Safety Sam." I should mention that Safety Sam has always been deeply devoted to me and genuinely in love with me. He will drop everything for me. While texting Safety Sam, I also texted my co-worker to see if he wanted to meet up. The co-worker ignored me and Safety Sam gave me the attention that I wanted.

That is about all I remember from that night. Next thing I know, I wake up in Safety Sam’s bed wearing nothing but my birthday suit. At this point I start freaking out. I try to piece together my night. Honestly, how did I end up from a girl's night to a friend's bed? That part is still unclear. I started to worry that I have ruined everything with Safety Sam as well as my co-worker. So there I was, walking down the streets of Boston in a mini-dress and high heels at 10 a.m., reflecting on my poor choices from the night before.

Anyways, my question is this: should I just ditch the co-worker who does not want to be with me beyond flirting and sleeping together and be with a man who is profoundly loyal, dedicated, and faithful? I know I don't care about Safety Sam in the same way that he cares about me right now, but maybe I could grow to love him and want to be with him? Do you think this is possible?

– Walk of Shame, Southie

A: I'm hoping that Safety Sam is as safe as you think he is, WOS. You wound up drunk and in his bed. Really, ask him what he remembers. For your own piece of mind.

As for your question, I think you should ditch both guys. Really ditch them. Tell the work guy that you're actually looking for a real relationship and that you like him too much to be casual. Tell Safety Sam that you want some space from your friendship because you've taken advantage of it. See how it feels to lose him as a resource.

Take both men out of your cell phone, at least temporarily.

You need to figure out whether you seek attention from Sam because he's willing to give it or because maybe, just maybe, you like him more than you think you do.

For the record, I don't think that you're secretly in love with Safety Sam. And I don't think that you can make those feelings grow if they're not there. You don't want to be with a guy who doesn't want to commit (work guy) -- but you also don't want to be with a passive, too-devoted friend who'll do anything for someone who won't return the favor.

Cut everyone off. Get some space and clarity. I know, I know, easier said than done when you have two possible sources of attention. But you asked.

You deserve better than your work guy, unless he can rally. Safety Sam (assuming he is really safe) deserves someone who remembers getting into bed with him.

Readers? Should she cut everyone off? Is there more to Safety Sam than the letter writer is willing to admit? Think the work guy will step up if she tries to walk away? How should she deal with Sam after the bedroom debacle? Discuss.


– Meredith


E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

Ask us a question

Required
Required
archives