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He sleeps on the couch

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  October 18, 2010 08:00 AM

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It's a very short letter but I'm into it.


Q: I have a problem that I have been dealing with for years. My husband falls asleep on the couch every night. I have tried to tell him that he should come up to bed. That is where couples get close, and most couples I know sleep together.

What aggravates me most is that sometimes he will come up to bed in the morning only to try to "get together." This makes me feel used. He also prefers "alone time." I feel he takes the time to watch his "movies" but will not make the effort to come to bed. I feel unloved and unwanted.

– Unloved, Boston

A: Thought 1: Your husband joins you in the morning because he finds you attractive enough to want to be intimate with you. You are wanted in that sense, right? I'm feeling glass-half-full about that, Unloved.

Thought 2: Do you have a TV in your bedroom? I assume your husband falls asleep in front of the television. If he could watch TV in bed, he'd fall asleep next to you, right?

Thought 3: Do you snore? Does he? Is there something about his or your routine that makes him flee to the couch? Does he object to your bed time? It's worth asking.

Thought 4: Would a new bed help? Pricey, but worth it. Go shopping together. Debate pillow top and memory foam. Make it a romantic retail experience.

Thought 5: He's probably embarrassed about the movies. And I get why they make you feel bad. But we all have active fantasy lives. He might be more open with you if he knows he's not going to have to feel ashamed about his interests. Let him know that you just want to feel closer to him.

Thought 6: You're focused on the sleeping. He might show you love in other ways. Don't ignore those other ways.

Readers? Do married people have to sleep together? Anyone have trouble sleeping comfortably with their partner? Is his couch time about a need for alone time? Is that OK? How can the letter writer make her husband understand that mornings aren't enough? Discuss.

– Meredith

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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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