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I loved her and lost her

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  October 5, 2010 07:49 PM

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No one is helping me with Love Letters songs of the day on Twitter. It's making me sad. Help. And chat at 1.

And while you're validating me, validate me some more.

I get so needy when it rains.

So does this letter writer.


Q: Dear Meredith,

I am not sure if this qualifies as "love" advice, but I would like your advice all the same. A few years ago I met a remarkable girl. She is stunningly beautiful, but that doesn't even begin to explain how unbelievable she is. When we first met, we hit it off immediately, and I would have liked nothing more to date her if it wasn't for the fact that she had a boyfriend. Knowing that she wasn't going to break up with her boyfriend, I accepted her as a friend and felt very lucky to have her in my life. We laughed all the time, engaged in many intellectual conversations, and exchanged our secrets. We were inseparable.

Earlier this year, she broke up with her boyfriend and I made my move. Unfortunately, she told me that the reason she broke up with her boyfriend was because she liked another man. I was heartbroken. I did not know what to do. Our friendship started to deteriorate from there. We both began to suffer personal problems with our families. My father was diagnosed with an illness, and her mother had problems, too. We began fighting constantly. I had a hard time accepting her new boyfriend and had suspicions about him, even though I recognize that those suspicions rose out of jealousy.

After much arguing we did not talk for a few months, then about a week ago I decided it was time to try to rebuild that bridge. I tried to apologize, but she just viewed it as more of the same drama we had been experiencing in the past. I tried to explain that I wanted to be friends again, but she just said "we were once great friends, but not anymore. Don't contact me again."

It has always been hard for me to maintain friendships throughout my life. I have never had a friendship like hers. I know the same is true for her, yet it is impossible for me to make her see that the past could have just been a rocky patch in our friendship and nothing more.

How do I earn back her trust and friendship? Will time heal?

– Without a Friend in Boston

A: It wasn't a rocky patch in your friendship, WAFIB. You imploded because you were (and are) in love with her. I'm assuming she's aware of your strong feelings, which is why she set such extreme boundaries.

I know you have trouble maintaining friendships, but she isn't a friend. She never was, at least not in your head. She was the object of your affection. An unrequited object. That's not the platonic pal you need.

My advice is to write her a note (I love notes, don't I?) explaining that you love her and that your strong feelings made you a disingenuous friend. Tell her that if you ever get over it you'll reach out -- but not until you're sure that you can handle being a buddy.

Then work on finding some real friends, people you don't want to kiss. It's not easy but it’s possible. Who are your acquaintances? Is there anyone you ignored while you were focusing on this woman? Is there anyone in your life worth promoting? Any family members who can help?

You can also try dating, maybe even online. See how it feels to evaluate someone as a potential partner from the start. You shouldn't have to wait around forever for someone to reciprocate.

I'm sorry for the loss, though. Let it be a lesson. At this age (whatever that age is, in your case), if the chemistry isn't there, you’re supposed to move on.

Readers? Any empathy for this letter writer? How does he let go of a friend who happens to be the woman he loves? Is he right to believe he's capable of having any sort of relationship with her? Help.

– Meredith

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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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