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Milan being Meredith again

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 23, 2010 09:25 AM

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It's day two of Boston Bruin Milan Lucic helping us with Love Letters. If you missed yesterday's letter, it's here. Milan and I will answer one more letter tomorrow. I'll post updates that will carry us through Thursday and Friday.

Tickets for the Love Letters movie party are here.


Q: I know that I'm probably going to be criticized to death for this letter but I need someone who is impartial to give me a healthy dose of honesty.

My problem is that I'm 27 years old, in grad school part-time and working part-time. I have been in a relationship for four-and-a-half years. The man in question is amazingly wonderful, he's my best friend, and I truly enjoy spending time with him when we can (because of work/college, we live a few hours apart). We usually see each other Friday to Sunday unless I don't have to work, then I travel to him.

The problem is that I'm very much ready for marriage and have been for the past year. I have told him that this is what I want and that I want it with him. This weekend it all came to a head because I'm uncertain about our future. He has decided to take the MCAT and apply for medical school next year (which I applaud), which makes me wonder when will we marry. I asked him that, and he told me that marriage wasn't an option yet because he wanted to do it right -- a beautiful ring and a huge wedding. I absolutely would love that too, but in the absence of money I would be happy with a tiny affair, maybe a location wedding and a big family celebration later. But that's not what he wants at all. I feel that it is very unfair for him to ask me to wait for a life-time commitment until I'm in my mid to late 30s.

Right now we are a deadlock and I don't know what to do. I love him with my whole heart and believe that he could be the one, but if I stay with him I will give up on my hopes and dreams of having a family and being a wife.

What do I do? I'm so confused.

– Stubborn in Boston















A: SIB, are you fighting about the party or the marriage?

Does he want to be married to you? Does he want to commit to you? Does he want to start building a life with you? If so, he should be ready to show that in some way. Maybe the compromise is a long engagement. Maybe it's a small wedding and a party later. Maybe it's a commitment to save during med school with a plan to get married in a few years. What does he want to do? Did he really say he wanted to wait until he finished med school to seal the deal?

You're worried that he doesn't want to commit to you until he's Dr. Whatshisface, but that's not what he told you. He's claiming that it's not about the commitment -- that it's about having the right ring and ceremony.

Which is it? Find out what he means when he says he wants to wait and whether his delay has anything to do with doubts about the relationship. It seems to me that you're having two conversations and both lack honesty. You want to know whether he's in forever, meanwhile, he's talking about the wedding. Once you get real with each other, you'll find the compromise -- or you'll feel more comfortable moving on.

Readers? Are they debating the wedding or the marriage? Should the ceremony matter so much? Is his hesitation about commitment? Do you agree with Milan about weddings vs. marriages (and women)? Discuss.

– Meredith

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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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