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Committed with a crush

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  December 2, 2010 09:00 AM

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Romance Rumble Final 4. This could end up being Swayze vs. Swayze. Or Swayze vs. Bogart. Or Lloyd Dobler vs. Bogart. I can't handle it. Get your tickets to the Dec. 10 screening. It'll makes for a good date night or night out with friends. The pre-party will be 7 to 8:30 at a nearby bar (which I will announce early next week). There will be yummy food and cool trinkets for movie ticket holders.


Q: Hi Meredith,

To cut to the chase, I've been in a relationship with a great guy, "Dan," for the past two years, and we are both in our mid-twenties. I love him very much and know I want a future with him. He is loving, faithful and talks about our future together. You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you.

Let's call him "Joe," a guy who works in my office in a different department. I had a crush on Joe for a couple of months before I met Dan. Joe and I eventually started to hang out, text, and talk all the time in the beginning of my relationship with Dan. Joe and I had so much in common and developed an intense emotional connection. Eventually, I told Joe we had to stop hanging out so much because I felt weird about having such a close male friend in my life, and I had developed feelings for him, which wasn't fair to Dan. I think Joe might have liked me during this time (we never talked about our feelings for each other), but would never cross a line due to my relationship status. Nothing ever happened between us physically. I saw him again a few weeks ago for the first time in six months, and all of my old feelings came rushing back in an instant. Joe met someone else and is moving in with her, which I have known for some time, but I don't know if I'll ever get over him completely. I find myself wondering what could have been, then I feel guilty for thinking these thoughts when I have Dan, who is wonderful.

My question is -- how do I get over him and move on completely? It has been almost a year since we stopped communicating regularly, and then eventually at all. There is a chance we may be working closely together in the future. I miss our friendship and connection, but I don't want to feel weird about feeling to close to him or start to hang out with him again. I don't want to have my cake and eat it too -- I love Dan and have chosen him. Do you have any coping strategies?

– Stuck in the Past, Providence

A: You might not get over him, SITP. You'll probably always get butterflies when you see Joe. I mean, we don't get over everyone. Sometimes crushes linger like a sinus infection. If Joe showed up at your door tomorrow and asked you to ditch Dan for him, would you? Of course not. You already made that decision.

My advice is to stop putting pressure on yourself to get over it. If you accept that things will always be a bit weird between you and Joe, life will get a bit easier. Maybe you'll be capable of meeting your own expectations. And as for hanging out with him, well, he lives with someone now. I don't think it will be a temptation. He's not as available as he used to be.

I think that the most difficult thing if you wind up working with Joe will be realizing that the connection isn't the same as it was. Time will have passed. He'll be giving his emotional intimacy to his girlfriend. And by the way, it's OK if that makes you sad. You're only human.

The most important thing is that you still love and want Dan. I'm pretty sure that you do.

Readers? Am I wrong to say that sometimes we just don't get over people? Is it healthy to accept that some feelings linger? How should the letter writer set boundaries? Discuss.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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