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She hasn't told her family about me

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  December 8, 2010 07:00 AM

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I'll notify "Casablanca" contest winners by 5ish. If you want to make sure you get a ticket, buy them here. And again, everyone is welcome to attend the pre-party at Orleans in Davis Square between 6:30/7 and 8:30 p.m. There will be potato pancakes and cupcakes.

Chat at 1.


Q: I am dating a woman who is nine years younger then me (I'm in my 30s, she's in her 20s). We have been seeing each other for just over a year now. She isn't from the area but has been here for her master’s degree.

She's smart, beautiful, silly, generally mature for her age (as she is balancing a full course load and a full-time job), and says she loves me. But there are problems.

She's worried about things that won't happen, mostly me leaving her for another woman. She gets jealous of my female friends, married and unmarried, who all live thousands of miles away. We have talked about it and she even tells me that she knows it should be a non-issue. She knows that I wouldn't cheat on her.

Neither of us has lived with another person, but after she finishes her master's, she's going to have to find a place to live (she's in a campus apartment right now). I feel that the logical next step is that we find a place together. I've brought this up on occasion and the discussions are usually very quick with no definite decisions.

Another road block is that she has not even mentioned me to her family. One of the things that she is worried about is my education. Her family all has bachelor's degrees and above. Meanwhile, I don't have a degree, but at the same time have a good job that I excel at, and have plenty of opportunities for advancement.

She has given me logical reasons for why she is delaying telling her family about me. The most important one is that she'd like to get a better job so that she can support herself instead of relying on her parents.

Right now, as it stands, I think that her family believes that she is eventually just going to move back home with them, and I fear that, too. Neither of us feels we are capable of long distance relationships, and in this economy I don't want to chance having to find another job elsewhere.

This thing about her not telling her parents about me is starting to bother me. Are her logical reasons acceptable? What should I do?

– Issues Galore, Boston

A: IG, you say that she's mature because she's going to grad school and working at the same time. Her multitasking is proof that she's ambitious and responsible, for sure, but does it really mean that she's ready for a mature relationship?

You want a plan. You want to cohabitate. You want her family to know that you're her main squeeze. Meanwhile, she isn't sure about your education or her own ability to live independently. She's sort of … unfinished.

I'm not into ultimatums, but you're allowed to give her a list of demands. If she's in, it starts now -- family introductions, apartment hunting, and treating the present as if it's a part of the future. If she can't do that, I'd really consider looking for someone who's excited about being with you right now, someone who not only accepts your place in life but shows you off. That's the beauty of being in your 30s. You're allowed to feel comfortable in your own skin and to find someone who feels the same way.

Readers? Are there too many road blocks to fix? Are her excuses legitimate in any way? Is it too soon for them to consider cohabitation? Is she mature enough for this relationship? Discuss.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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