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Should I be suspicious?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  January 5, 2011 08:24 AM

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Q: So, I have entered into a bizarre situation. I met this guy online who lives out of state. The first couple of months, we talked strictly on the phone; however there were times within those months when he would "disappear" and I wouldn't hear back from him for weeks.

He would always give me some excuse (lost his phone, helping family members move, etc.). I had given up hope that we would ever meet face-to-face or even talk again -- because he was always MIA. However, he called me Thanksgiving weekend and informed me that he was in town. We planned to meet up some time that weekend. We did and we had a great time together. From then on, we talked pretty much every day. However, we would only talk at certain times -- on during his commute to work, his lunch break, and his commute back home -- never when he was home.

When I brought this up, he claimed that when he gets home, he's so exhausted that he doesn't like to talk on the phone much. So we pretty much continued to talk on "his time.” I never called him on the weekends. Either he was in Boston and we would hang out or one of us was traveling. This past weekend, I decided to call him to see if his "no talking on the phone when home" excuse extended to the weekend. As expected, he did not answer his phone and then he turned his phone off. I sent him an e-mail Monday letting him know that I couldn't continue seeing him because I wasn't comfortable with his "situation" -- whatever it is that prevents him from talking on the phone when he's at home. He sent me an e-mail with some outlandish excuse about how he went to Amsterdam for the weekend for work-related issues. However, I had spoken to him Friday evening and this was never mentioned.

Anyways, I know that the writing is on the wall, but I would like to hear from you and your readers. Do I have the right to be suspicious? It's only been two months -- should I give it more time to play out?

– Suspicious Suzy, Boston

A: Sometimes, SS, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck … it is a duck who is married and lying to you. I'm assuming that he has a wife or a girlfriend ... or a boyfriend ... or a duck.

Even if he's isn't married, he isn't giving you what you want. He hasn't made you comfortable. He's not working to become your partner. He's just some guy who has been comically unavailable.

Tell him you need to date someone who lives close by. Your time is valuable. Two months is long enough.

My real advice is to start looking for guys who are a short drive away. It'll make life much easier.

Readers? Amsterdam? Phone calls and texts? Man out of state? Any potential here? Discuss.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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