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Should I keep in touch?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  January 12, 2011 08:22 AM

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Snow chat at 1.


Q: I kind of feel like a fool for being so saddened over this particular issue, but it's weighing heavily on my mind.

I met this guy online about a 1 or 2 months ago and we hit it off e-mailing and texting. We finally met up in person and it was great! There was no awkwardness, no weird silent moments, just great conversation and laughs. We had a wonderful kiss at the end, which led to us hanging out more. I saw him 2 or 3 more times in the same weekend, and we ended up sleeping together. This in and of itself is a major feat for me. I have a lot of issues regarding intimacy so the fact that I was so comfortable with him to be able to do that speaks volumes to me about what was happening between us.

Then, out of the blue, he e-mails me. He can't see me anymore. He's going through a lot of personal issues and trying to become more stable etc. He told me his whole long story about his past and why he is where he is now and why this can't work right now. He ended the email saying "maybe in a few months, when I'm more stable, we can try this again." I understand where he's at, and more than appreciate his honesty. He said in the message that he "really, really liked" me and I feel the same.

I'm willing to let him work himself out, but I'm terrified he's not going to remember me, or he'll meet someone else on his journey. So do I just let him go completely? Or do I try to maintain an element of friendship with occasional text messages? I'm not sure how to play this out. I don't want him to forget about me so I feel like a few texts here and there will remind him I still exist, but would that be too much for him? I don’t know what to do, but I'm completely heartbroken right now.

– Saddened in Somerville

A: How disappointing, SIS. He pulled the rug out from under you, and it was a beautiful rug. It was a rug he put there himself. It was one of those soft rugs that feel good on your feet. And now you're stuck on hard wood. Without warning. You deserve better.

My advice is to cut this off. Don't do the "I'm-pretending-to-be-breezy-but-I-really-want-you-back" thing. It gets you nowhere, and every time you text him, you'll be obsessing over his replies, assuming he sends them.

You can tell him that you're open to hearing from him in a few months, but don't count on it. Even if he shows up, will you be able to trust him? Do you really understand why he bailed? Because I don't. I mean, we all feel unstable and weird sometimes. But it's possible to work through that with someone else in the picture. I'm not sure what difference a few months will make.

Send an e-mail explaining that you get the message and that he's welcome to reach out whenever he's ready. Then start living like he won't. As for him forgetting you, it won't happen. If he doesn't return, it's because his issues are bigger than the both of you. He should be worried that you're going to forget him. And I sort of hope that you do.

Readers? Should she continue any communication? How can she be less saddened in Somerville? Do you buy his reasoning for vacating? Will he return in a few months? Discuss.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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