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I have the urge to keep calling

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  February 25, 2011 08:02 AM

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Q: Dear Meredith,

Months after a major breakup from a big relationship, I started talking to this guy from a dating website. He told me he wanted to buy a house, get married, have kids ... the works. I'm 25-years old and I'm ready to settle down, so this was exactly what I was looking for. We started dating and we hit it off like we had known each other for years.

Things moved along pretty quickly in the next 2 months, except he never said anything about a true commitment, as in calling me his "girlfriend." I, of course, wanted a relationship, not just someone to date and spend the night with. I started asking when we were going to become "official." At first he didn't want to talk about it at all, but then he went into a whole story about how he's worried about his job security and how he would have to move back to his parents' house in a different state if he lost his job, etc. He said he hasn't committed to anything since living here in MA. I became very emotional and told him that I don't know what my future holds either, but I was willing to give it a shot. He stuck to his story and I was left trying to figure out what to do.

Long story short, I didn't know if I wanted to wait for him to figure it out or feel more secure about his job. I went back and forth, telling him that I wanted to slow things down to a friendship level until he was sure, and then the following day, I told myself to stop worrying and just go with the flow. I told him this as well, thinking that everything would be OK. He said that we were fine and not to worry. The following day, we talked briefly online, but he didn't call like usual. When I called him, he seemed annoyed.

That was the last time I heard from him. The days following were filled with me trying to get a hold of him via texts and calls. I want him to "man up" and tell me what happened.

It has been about 2 weeks now and I can't stop thinking about the situation. I stopped contacting him because it wasn't getting me anywhere, but I keep having these urges to call or text again. How do I get past this? Do I give it more time and try to contact him to get some answers? All my girlfriends tell me he's going to come around sooner or later. Do you think that's true? Why am I so hung up over this?

– I Want Answers Now, North of Boston


A: You want answers, IWAN? It seems to me that you have all the answers you need. At two months, you asked about commitment. He answered with a long list of issues that don't have anything to do with you. Then he started backing away from the relationship. That's a big answer, just not the one you wanted.

Did he behave like a coward? Sure. But that's another good thing to know, that he made this all about him and didn't put you at ease.

I'm glad you mentioned your last relationship. To me, it's very relevant. Sometimes, after we get out of a big relationship, we want our next relationship to become as important as the previous one in record time. We're worried that we wasted our good dating years with the ex. We're impatient. We forget how long it took us to get where we did with the previous person.

I'm not saying that you asked for a commitment too quickly with this new guy, but I am saying that you have to keep reminding yourself that it's not a big loss. Some of this sadness, anger, and wanting to call might have a lot to do with your ex. Your body is trained to mourn in a certain way. Your brain is having trouble separating one loss from the other. Just remember that you didn't waste any time here. You got all the answers you need within a matter of weeks.

Every time you have the urge to call him, call a friend. Or hop online and browse your options.

Readers? Am I right about the ex stuff? Am I right about her not needing answers? Did his job concerns have anything to do with her? How should she deal with the urge to call? Discuss.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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