< Back to front page Text size +

We lived with his parents

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 31, 2011 08:30 AM

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

Here are those insults and compliments. And here's today's letter:


Q: Hi Meredith,

I met my ex seven years ago when we were still in college. He thought I was a total snob, and I thought he was completely weird. Fast forward to a few years ago. I found him on Facebook through a mutual friend and we immediately started talking every day. Problem was, he was in Massachusetts and I was living a few states away. We talked for a few months before he drove up to surprise me. I was way less snobby, and his weirdness was adorable. We dated long distance like that for eight months until I lost my job and we decided I should move down to MA. At the time he was living with his parents, who welcomed me with open arms and said we could stay as long as we needed to until we found an apartment of our own.

At first, everything was great with us. We were best friends, completely in love. But months went by and he was still dragging his feet to get a place. We were cramped in our little room in his parents' house, and as welcoming as they were, it never really felt like my home and I was getting restless. I found some really cute places within our price range, but he always found some kind of excuse (like "the street leading up to the apartment is too steep" ... seriously?) not to move.

We had been living with his parents for about two years when things just fell apart. I was so resentful of him not understanding my need for my own space and he was getting tired of hearing me nag him about it. I moved in with a friend while I started looking for an apartment and he stayed with his parents.

At first, we didn't talk because it was too hard. But then we saw each other a few times and even spent New Year's Eve with friends. I was really hopeful that things were working out.

When I found my own apartment, he helped me move in. But that's when the switch flipped. He stopped calling and stopping by. And when I did see him, there was no warmth. I quickly found out that he was seeing someone. I felt so betrayed but I finally understood that we were really over. Unfortunately, I did say some pretty catty things in the heat of the finding out about her (I know it was none of my business, I was just upset). I just felt like my life was falling apart. I was alone in this town I didn't know, and I wanted so badly to save us, but I pushed him even further away.

I met someone, a friend of a friend, who took me out a few times. My ex heard about it -- and don't you know that I got a text from my ex saying some hurtful things. It was obviously out of jealousy and I know he didn't mean it but I was still upset. He was dating other girls. Who does he think he is to call me out for moving on too? I eventually changed my number to eliminate the drama.

Well, a few months have gone by now and the dust has settled. I'm not seeing anyone and I'm working 70 hours a week to compensate for the loneliness. Lately, he's been calling my friends to see how I'm doing and emailing my mom and siblings "just to say hi." Does that mean he's just being nice, or maybe that he misses me?

Can relationships bounce back from a bad break like this? Do you think we could ever "start over" and make it work?

– Broken But Can't Let Go, Boston


A: You can't start over -- there's really no such thing -- but you might be able to forgive each other, BBCLG. You can certainly call him, give him your new phone number, and make peace.

But please, don't expect anything more than that. This breakup wasn't about dating other people or mean texts. It was about him refusing to move out of his parents' house. It was about him being a coward while you put up with an uncomfortable living situation for two years.

My advice is to call him and ask him why he's checking in with your family. Forgive him and let him forgive you. But leave it at that. Unless he shows up at your door begging for your return and holding keys to his own place, there's really nothing to talk about.

You have every reason to be confused, lonely, sad, and a bit hopeful. But don't forget your needs just because you miss him. I'm sure he misses you, too. But that's not that point. Right?

Readers? Should she give him her new number? Is there hope here? Should she forgive the whole "we lived with your parents for two years" thing? Was his behavior acceptable? Help.

– Meredith


E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

Ask us a question

Required
Required
archives