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He wants to take it slow

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  April 15, 2011 07:57 AM

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Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm a 39-year-old single professional living in Brooklyn and working in NYC. I have been in one serious relationship my entire life (that lasted only 1.5 years) but feel that I'm really ready to find "the one" and settle down. I'm originally from Boston and have only lived in NYC for 4 years. At my age, it's been tough to break into social circles and make new legitimate friends. I've been using Match.com to increase the number in the dating pool. I met a guy in December who is great. Super smart, super funny, super sarcastic -- in short, just my type. We've been dating regularly since then. We go out about once a week. We have a great time. We "talk" (read text) often during the week, but never really talk on the phone. We usually go out on Saturday nights and he stays over at my place.

I'm at a point where I would like to move to the next level and date him exclusively. We had "the talk" last week. He's not ready for a relationship. He wants to take things slow and though he thinks I'm great and that we have the potential to turn into something more, he doesn't want to rush into anything. I should mention that he is divorced. He was married for 10 years and has been divorced for about 3. After his divorce he jumped into a relationship with a girl that lasted about 10 months but ultimately it didn't work out. He feels like he doesn't want to make the mistake of rushing into anything again. He says that I'm the only person he's been seeing regularly, but that he has been on dates with other women. He also says that I am the only person that he is sleeping with.

I'm not sure what to do. He seems very sincere. Do I wait it out for a bit and hope that he comes around? I feel strongly that he has a lot of the qualities that I am looking for and he makes me feel really great when I am with him. Should I invest some more time in this and just see where it goes? Or am I just being naive? I haven't felt this strongly about someone in a long time.

– Wanting to Believe, Brooklyn


A: I appreciate his honesty, WTB, and I believe that he might be into this -- just not enough to make promises at the moment. Frustrating.

What bothers me about the whole thing is that you only see each other once a week. I know that New York City is annoying to get around, but you have to see more of him. In order for you to make a real decision about him (note that I'm making your decision the priority), you need more than texts during the week. Camp-like sleepovers on the weekends are not enough. Saturday nights aren't reality.

Tell him that you'd like to make time for a Wednesday dinner or a Thursday night in front of the TV. That's the compromise. He should want to figure out whether he wants more from you -- and that takes more time than he's giving.

Readers? Should she even want more time with him? Do you feel comfortable with his reasoning? After his failed relationships, is it good that he's taking it slow? Should the LW be spending her time seeing other people? Discuss.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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