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When can I have the talk?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  April 12, 2011 07:56 AM

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Thanks to everyone who gave me flu advice on Twitter. I think it's getting better.


Q: I moved to the Seattle area about eight months ago for grad school. About three months ago I started dating an exceptionally kind, funny, perceptive, and whip-smart gentleman who is graduating this spring. His degree allows him a certain amount of flexibility, both in terms of the kind of jobs he could take, and the kinds of places he could live.

Our relationship has moved relatively quickly, at least from an objective standpoint. We spent 4-6 nights a week together and I am meeting his parents for the first time this weekend (who live several states away). Many of those first troublesome experiences, things like traveling together, for example, we've tackled famously. I feel like there's an enormous amount of potential with this man and it seems to be a mutual feeling. We've talked about the fact that we both have zero reservations about our relationship.

I'm writing because I don't know if I should ask him to consider trying to find a job here or just leave it alone. The area does have opportunities for him but his family and many of his friends are elsewhere. If we were at 6-9 months I would have no problem talking openly about this with him, since that's a reasonable place to at least start discussing the long-term potential of a relationship, but I feel like I'm jumping the gun if I bring it up. And at the same time, I think giving this relationship more time to be explored makes a ton of sense. Thoughts?

– Too Soon To Ask?, Seattle (Recently Boston)


A: You have my permission to ask, TSTA. You don't have to demand to know whether he plans to live near you, marry you, and make your babies, but you can ask him what he's thinking about doing next year. You can certainly tell him that you're trying to enjoy the present but that his after-school life is on your mind. I'm sure it's on his, too.

He said that he has zero reservations about your relationship, right? That's your answer. Talk, but don't make it the biggest deal in the world. All you have to say is, "Sometimes I worry about next year." And that's it. You can figure out the rest together.

(For the record, I think that he should apply to jobs at home and near you. He can cover his bases and then make a confident decision about where to live when he's ready.)

Readers? Is it too soon for her to ask him about his future? Should she? Does it have to be a big talk? Anyone else having pre-graduation angst? Discuss.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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