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'Bridesmaids' tales

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 16, 2011 08:00 AM

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Here are some of the "Bridesmaids" contest entries. I tried to vague up some of the ones that were too identifiable. Enjoy.

I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding a few summers ago. For the first time I was wearing a bridemaid dress that I could actually wear again! Unfortunately for me the zipper wouldn't budge past the bustline and I had to be sewn into it. A chocolate brown dress with bright white stitching! At the end of the night I had to be cut out of it, which was beyond embarrassing since I took a groomsman back to my room! Needless to say, I was unable to wear the dress again ... and I never heard from the groomsman either.

I am not the bridesmaid type. I hate big weddings and this particular wedding involved a friend marrying a guy no one really liked. I tried valiantly to politely decline by pointing out all of my bridesmaid shortcomings, but it didn’t work. After the ceremony, we had to take pictures. It was misting and about 45 degrees. We were being screamed at to SMILE. I later sold the entire ensemble online to some other poor bridesmaid. I happened to tell the bride and she was offended that I didn’t keep the outfit – "If I had known that, I never would have asked you to be in my wedding." If only I had known it would have been so simple!!

Last year, my fiancé and I attended the wedding of one of my family members. I decided it would only be fair to warn my fiancé that my family has one wedding tradition: shoe shots. If you've never heard of it, one of the lasts toasts of the evening, you are required to drink out of the heel of your shoe. The idea has thoroughly disgusted my fiancé. As tradition, my uncle toasted the happy couple near the end of the night, and everyone, except for my fiancé took off a shoe and sipped wine and sweat out of their heels. Not too much later, this uncle ran into my fiancé on the way to the bathroom and insisted that he take a shot ... out of my uncle’s rented tuxedo shoe. After that, I'm glad he still will marry me.

Recently, I went to my very Catholic college roommate’s wedding. I was unfamiliar with the town, so I showed up late. With an uninvited guest. Dressed very differently from everyone else at the giant church. When I got there, the heavy oak doors were shut, and I made so much noise going in that several women gave me the stink eye. My guest refused to do the standing and sitting during the Mass, we avoided eye contact with our neighbors during the “Peace be with you” segment, and hurried to the reception for booze before anyone else could get there. I stayed long enough for one cocktail and to chat with the bride, who seemed to be on muscle relaxants or something (remember the sister from “Sixteen Candles”?) and called my guest the wrong name. Happy marriage!

I was in wedding from hell a long time ago (hey, weren't we all?). After the bride stomped around most of the morning avowing, "It's MY day,” most of the bridesmaids needed a LOT of liquor to wash that ick off us. The bride’s family had rented a couple of stretch limos for us to ride around in after the reception. My co-conspirator and fellow bridesmaid and I managed to snag a stretch limo for our trip. Since it was a warm night, we had the windows open. I toasted fellow travelers with my glass out the window and declared, "Yes, we live like this every day." I guess it was a little too provocative, because the car next to us was so busy staring they smacked into the car in front of them. We felt kind of bad, but actually, we just laughed and left.

The summer after college, my best friend married her high school sweetheart. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, and of course I accepted. My friend grew up in a very rural area and had the wedding in her parents' backyard. Growing up as a city girl, I always felt worlds away during visits to her hometown. But they completely transformed their land for this special occasion. They removed the shooting range and covered up the ATV tracks. But as they say, you can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girl. While waiting for the men to get ready for the rehearsal dinner, us ladies broke out the Bud Lite, and before I knew it, I was racing the bride out in the pasture -- she in a golf cart, me on a John Deere tractor!

When one of my family members got married, his wife was nervous on the day of the
wedding. To quell her jitters, she decided that drinking would do the trick … starting at 9 a.m.. The ceremony was at 5 pm. At the wedding, she comes down the aisle, and doesn’t look so good. My family member – the groom -- is teary and happy with the sight of his bride, yet I couldn’t help but notice that she was swaying back and forth during the vows. All I could think of was the wedding in “Sixteen Candles.” She continues drinking in the limo on the way to the reception, and then falls out of the limo upon arrival. After pictures, she walks into cocktail hour, and yells to everyone that she needs to go to the bathroom and that her bridesmaids better come with her so they can hold up her
dress. It only got better from there.

1) I got in trouble with one family member for getting (classy!) silver flip-flops when the only instruction was to get silver shoes. Everyone else got heels. I caught the bouquet at that wedding. 2) A different family member got married to a woman who is an avid hunter. The pictures show all of us guests holding guns (think Annie Oakley, not Charlie's Angels). I caught the bouquet at that wedding, too.

Last summer I had six weddings to attend. When I got the date for the sixth wedding, it turned out that I was already in a wedding that weekend. Since the horse had already left the barn, I sent the bride an apologetic email saying that although I really wanted to, I couldn't participate. As a testament to my bridesmaid-ing skills (or perhaps our friendship), she moved the wedding. And aside from the good-natured taunts of my fellow bridesmaids about being enough of a diva to "demand" a BRIDE move her wedding, everyone had a great time and the weather was fantastic. Also, it was overcast and gross on the day she was supposed to get married so I like to take credit for all the good lighting in the pictures.

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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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