< Back to front page Text size +

He's pushing me away

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 26, 2011 08:37 AM

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article


Q: Somehow, after much resistance, I tried online dating. The men on the site seem to have a laundry list of wants and it scared me. I found one guy who sounded pretty relaxed and somehow I found the courage to go on a date with him. He was going to be my first date and my last, just to say I tried online dating. That was five months ago.

For five months this guy adored me. We talked all day on text and spoke every night. He couldn't believe he found me, loved me more than any man has, and we had so much fun together.

Problem? He wasn't divorced yet. Specifics were being worked out. They no longer lived together but kids were involved.

We had some hiccups and worked through it. I thought we were in a good place, but then I saw some postings on Facebook. Some girls were pretty flirty and hitting on him. I definitely had to bring it up. Until that point we didn't discuss how serious we were, but he had told me I'm the girl for him, he couldn't believe how right it felt, he thought about me all day, etc. If he wasn't with me he was with his kids. I thought we were just with each other. I didn't rush any girlfriend/boyfriend discussion because I knew he was just out of a long relationship and I didn't need a title. I had met his kids, his family, and his friends. He had met my family and friends and he initiated most of it.

After seeing the FB posts I finally asked him if he dated other people. He answered back and was mean. Barked back that he had. It felt like I was punched. He exploded and left saying he wants to be with me every minute, thinks about me all the time, but has no idea what he is doing. He was in a relationship for so long he had no clue what he wanted.

I have never been involved with or near a divorce. I do not understand the feelings involved there. He was in an unhappy relationship for many years and is free of her, can't believe he found me, but walked away from me?

Do I walk away? He's pushing me away and I'm so scared he forgets what we had because he has so much going on? Should I be angry? Where do I go from here? How do I go on from here being intertwined for 5 months? HELP....

– Heartbroken, MA


A: Should you be angry? Heck yeah. He might not know what he wants, but he knows exactly what he's been doing. He's been dating you, telling you lots of nice things, and seeing other people when he feels like it. Get angry.

Divorce is complicated, but it doesn't excuse his behavior. And it doesn't sound like he's begging you to forgive him for being unclear about his level of commitment. Instead, he's pushing you away. It's not your job to convince him to stay.

It sounds like he jumped into all of this too quickly. But that's not something you can fix for him. You can only decide what's best for you. Is he making you feel good? Keeping his promises? Remaining trustworthy? Allowing the relationship to grow? Making you feel safe? These are the things you ask at five months, and he's failing miserably.

My advice is to make yourself your first priority. Consider how you're being treated and then make decisions accordingly.

Also, you wound up liking your first internet guy enough to date him for five months. Shouldn’t that make you hopeful about what else is out there?

Readers? Should she give this guy another chance? Does he want one? Is his pending divorce an excuse for Facebook flirtations? Is it technically cheating if they never had a talk about their relationship status? Discuss.

– Meredith


E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

Ask us a question

Required
Required
archives