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Obsessing about my ex

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 10, 2011 08:41 AM

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Winners for the "Bridesmaids" contest have been chosen. I'll post some entries Friday. Thanks so much for the submissions. They were great reads.


Q: Hi Meredith,

I recently came out of a serious two-year relationship. While she was an excellent, beautiful, smart woman, our relationship just waxed and waned too much and occasionally I felt completely disconnected. As it was my first very serious relationship, I was often questioning whether she was "the one" and I found myself wishing to meet other people. After months of struggle, I finally ended things for good.

Fast forward a month or so and I am now starting to see another beautiful woman. I really wasn't planning on jumping back into things so quickly, but when I met her I knew I had to see more of her. I cannot express how much fun I have with her, and she really is a catch.

However, I find myself thinking about my ex non-stop, and constantly comparing the "new one" to her in my mind. I so enjoy this new woman but because of my constant thoughts I am not sure whether I have made a mistake. I know it is natural to think about your ex, but at what point should I be finding myself feeling 100 percent clear about this situation? Are these feelings unfair to the new woman?

– Confused Bloke, Boston


A: CB, you're thinking about the ex nonstop? Really? Like, all the time?

If that's true, you're probably just moving on too quickly. You said it yourself -- you started dating this woman before you were ready. You're comparing your experiences with her to your two-year relationship. Apples to oranges, my friend.

My advice is to put on the brakes. See this new woman but make it clear that you're just dating around right now, not dating seriously. Give yourself some Saturday nights alone. Because much of what you're feeling is loss and guilt. You let go of your partner of two years. You loved her. You thought she was wonderful. Of course you're going to long for her. It's difficult to mourn a loss while being someone's fun, new boyfriend at the same time. Give your brain a break. You can only multitask so much.

And for the record, you'll never be 100 percent clear about any of it. Sorry.

Readers? Is he allowed to contact the ex? Is he still in love with the ex? Is he being fair to this new woman? Should he be dating at all? Will he ever be 100 percent over it? Discuss.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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