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Independence Day Updates

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 4, 2011 09:00 AM

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It's time for holiday updates.

This first one is from a letter writer who felt like something might be missing in her relationship.

Writing to update on a letter I wrote a few months ago (something's missing..maybe). After reading your advice, some of the comments, and spending a lot more time thinking about it and struggling, I did ultimately break up with my boyfriend. The conversation was fairly mutual (though since the breakup, it seems he feels much more as if I did the breaking up) and we both agreed that no matter how much we loved each other, it just wasn't working. It's the first break up I've had where it was semi-mutual, but also a relationship that still had lots of good, and the aftermath has definitely been something to adjust to.

It's been just over a month since our split and we are taking some space with hopes of being friends again someday. I miss him every day but try to remind myself of the big issues that were getting in the way of us being happy. If it's meant to be in the future, it will be. Until then, I keep trying to remind myself of your advice, and try to get some perspective on what I want and need.

And now, an update from the letter writer whose love interest wanted some job help.

So I did end up passing along his resume to my HR Director. He never heard from her. Then one day when I was at a conference, he started blowing up my phone with angry text messages saying his friend got called in for an interview for the same position and why hadn't he heard. I tried to explain that I wasn't at work and that I would try and get back to him the next day but the angry text messages kept coming. I told him that it wasn't my decision who was brought in for interviews and who wasn't. I even offered to find out if he was missing any key qualifications to try and calm him down a bit. Play nice. He stopped talking to me for the next two months after that. When he did finally decide he was mature enough to reach out to me again to apologize for blowing up at me the way he did, I told him it wasn't fair for me to be the one he takes his frustrations out on. We are not together, I explained. You are not my boyfriend. I don't owe you anything because you are the one who broke my heart because you couldn't be responsible for my feelings. I went on to tell him that he needs to grow up for the sake of the next girl who come along.

We still run into each other from time to time as we have many mutual friends. But I definitely keep my distance from him.

I am now dating someone new, sort of. We've known each other for almost a decade and I honestly couldn't be anymore, disgustingly happy with him.

Nice, right? And now an update from a woman dating Shakespeare.

Bottom line, I never texted him back after his ridiculous "I'm entirely incapable of a committed relationship right now but I promise I'll always smile when I think of you" text. I never heard from him again (not even on my birthday). After dating for a year -- just poof, gone. Oh well. I've gotten back up on the saddle, though. I've been on -- count it -- 19 OK Cupid dates. Something's just not clicking, but I'm still very optimistic. You never know; the next guy you meet could be someone very special.

And now, an update from the woman who had to decide whether to tell her friend that her boyfriend was cheating.

To update, I forwarded the letter with the responses to my husband. After his initial "Wow, I didn't think these were ever real letters" reaction, he called me and was extremely apologetic. I don't think he ever meant to put me in the middle.

The night the letter ran, we went to dinner and discussed the matter. My husband had been friends with the guy for a few years, but the guy's girlfriend and I have gotten much closer than they ever had been.

My husband agreed that we needed to be united in what to do because someone was going to be seriously emotionally damaged in this situation. Because I didn't want to look like the gossipy friend who didn't hear the news from the horse's mouth, I wanted my husband to either be the one to tell her (with me present) or for him to be present while I told her to corroborate the facts.

So, I invited my friend over to my place and with my husband present I told her. Devastation ensued. They had been together just shy of two years.

My friend stayed with us and then went to live with her family. She had been living with her boyfriend. She officially broke up with him before she packed her clothes and took off. Supposedly her boyfriend denied the cheating vehemently, but she's not an idiot. Neither my husband nor I have spoken with him.

I guess bottom line is that I'm glad I told her; I would have wanted her to tell me if the situation was opposite.

I haven't talked to my friend since she moved in with her family. I kind of expected this and hope that she'll understand the predicament I was in if and when we talk later on.

So again, please thank everyone for their responses and your candor. I appreciate all of the advice.

And finally, a letter from the nice man who wanted to date his kid's teacher. He did ask her out and she said yes. I got this update weeks and weeks ago, but I was saving it for a rainy day. Let's pretend it's raining and enjoy.

I realized after some dates that I wasn't ready to date someone like Cindy long-term. We broke up as a result. It's a little cold between us now (she doesn't have me help in her classroom anymore), but I think it's for the best.

It's probably flat-out odd and ridiculous, but Cindy was almost "too hot" for me. When I went out with her, I found she would be the type who would get all sorts of attention. While she dressed professionally in the workplace, she really liked to turn heads when going out. I admit I was really turned on and I would just get an enormous ego boost as she demonstrated her interest in me.

But after our dates, when I'd be back to parenting, I realized that I was doing the things that I hope my kids won't do. I was objectifying her, focusing on her attractiveness and being the "lucky guy" with someone like her. Yet on a personal level, I found that we didn't really click in basic values, outlook, and life stages.

Cindy is a really great person and deserves somebody who is going along with her at her life stage. I hope she can find the right person, rather than someone who is just into her for looks (as I think to a large extent I was).

I wish I were the right person, but I was more into the "idea" of Cindy than the reality. A 41-year-old Cindy, someone who I could treat as a person ... then maybe it would have worked. But Cindy, who is in her 20s, was like a drug that I couldn't handle.

I know I can find someone someday, but I plan from now on to make sure I do it for the right reasons, on the right schedule. Thanks and take care.

Talk about Independence Day, right? Discuss. And then go watch some fireworks.

– Meredith

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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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