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I feel no remorse

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  August 5, 2011 08:36 AM

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Every year, the Globe welcomes two high school interns from Boston schools. And every year, I get them for a day. They were with me earlier this week and asked me a lot about Love Letters. I told them all about it, showed them a few letters, and then asked them to try to answer one. Today, I'm posting their responses. (And yes, I picked a letter from a young writer with a young problem so that the interns could get their teenage brains around it.)

I've posted their answers here. Click over if you have time.


Q: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four months and I'm a little confused. The background is that I am 23 years old and have only had one relationship before this one, and it probably was emotionally damaging. I met this latest guy on a dating website and we seemed to click instantly, which was rare for me. However things began to move too fast and I expressed that to him. After about a month we got into an awful fight because he had some serious jealousy issues. We moved past it, but then, two months later, we broke up because he became jealous of my male friends. We somehow worked it through but I made it clear if he continued being jealous, I couldn't stick around.

Recently he began arguing with me more and more, saying stuff to intentionally hurt me. I just decided to end it because he made me unhappy more than he made me happy. Now, a few days after the break up, I am already talking to someone else and feel guilty. I feel like I should be upset or need to process my feelings but I literally feel no remorse. I don't want people thinking I'm a heartless person but I think the relationship meant a lot more to him than it did to me. I have nothing to "get over" and I haven't cried. All I feel is relief.

I guess my only question is: How long should I wait to start dating again? Because I'm literally ready to start ASAP but I don't want to be viewed as heartless. What's wrong with me?

– Not heartless, Massachusetts


A: My young friend, there is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing to mourn. It's like ... you tried a new food, didn't like it, and then found out you were allergic to it. No big loss. It's not like this guy was your friend for a long time before you dated. Yeah, you "seemed to click instantly," but all that means is that you had a few good dates.

The only lesson here is to trust your gut as soon as it starts barking at you. You broke up with this guy twice in four months. You don't have to give people second chances if you don't want to.

Enjoy the dating experience and trust your instincts. You really do know what's best for you.

Readers? When is it OK not to feel remorse? Does the emotionally damaging relationship have anything to do with her hanging on to this bad guy for four months? Is there ever remorse in online dating? Discuss.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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