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He's .... nice

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  August 4, 2011 08:32 AM

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Yesterday's letter writer sent me a thank you note at the end of the day. Your advice helped. He feels less crazy and will be going to the picnic.


Q: Here I am, a longtime LL-lurker on the verge of my mid-thirtysomething birthday, a trail of unfulfilling relationships with unfeeling, selfish, and narcissistic (but really hot) men in my past, and I have finally found the holy grail ... a nice guy!

We've been spending a lot of time together over the past few months and he's incredibly sweet, thoughtful, smart, polite, cute and romantic. Pretty much the whole package. Good job. Well read. Volunteers regularly. Laughs easily. Very affectionate. What more could a woman ask for? My god, he even speaks French!!

Alas, here's the thing -- I just wish he had a bit more of an edge. I don't want him to be a bad boy. I just want ... I don't even know what I want. I find myself looking at him and just thinking, "Why couldn't you be just a little bit of jerk sometimes?" He is always 100% nice. There's absolutely no mystery, no drama, no disagreements -- just nice, nice, nice. These thoughts leave me confused. Am I just another woman who laments that she can't find a good man but when she does, casts them aside? Or is there really something about him that legitimately turns me off? Is he too good to be true? Will I grow to feel passionate about him? And how long do I keep him around before I figure out if it's one or the other?

Ugh! I’m annoying myself with this whole situation. Any insights? And by insights, I mean that I'm looking for more than 200+ comments telling that I'm fickle and/or need therapy. Thanks in advance!

– Dating A Nice Guy


A: You want drama, DANG? From my perspective, your situation is very dramatic. You have found what many, many women have been searching for, and if you lose this wonderful man, he will almost immediately be snatched up by someone who's been desperate to find him. You have a valuable human in your possession. He is much desired by the rest of the world. That's the drama. Figure out if you're open to letting him get snatched up by somebody else.

I'd say that if by month six the idea of losing him to the masses doesn't panic you and make you feel dramatic about your situation, he's just not growing on you. Six solid months of coupledom seems like a fair trial period.

And just so you know, he does have a dark side. We all do. Tell him you don't mind seeing it. Not his mean side, but his dark side -- because there's a big difference.

Readers? Am I right about six months? Is she being immature or is this a legitimate concern? How can she get jazzed up about a relationship with no drama? Can this relationship last if he stays ... nice? Be ... nice.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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