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Dumped at a big game

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  December 15, 2011 08:23 AM

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As many of you know, Love Letters is invited to tonight's party in Brookline for artist Sophie Blackall who illustrates Missed Connections she finds online. We had a Boston.com contest for Sophie where we solicited Missed Connections from locals and she illustrated her favorite. This (below) is the winner.
Everyone (especially Mr. Cat Guy) is invited to Sophie's book signing at the Brookline Booksmith at 7. The contest winner will be there to read her Missed Connection in person. Then, all Love Letters readers are invited to an after-party at the Coolidge location of Finale. We'll talk, eat sweets, and there will be a raffle with prizes. RSVP to events@globe.com. It's a good, free pre-holiday shopping event (books are the best gift), and it's dessert and friends on a Thursday night. Looking forward to seeing you.

missed-connections-300.jpg

you hooked me in with your sweet robot moves and cat shirt. none of that grinding stuff, just natural robotic talent. you said "hey, you're cute." and i said, "you, too" and then i elbowed you in the ribs because i'm not very smooth when it comes to romance. i thought this exchange meant we agreed on a sloppy bar makeout? whenever i busted out the robot arms, your robotic arms chopped mine in half. kept looking at your cat shirt thinking, "yesssss, i can see us marrying and having lots of cats."

went to dance on stage with friends and then lost you?!? my friend said you got shy, which makes you and your cat shirt even more cute!!! spent a ridiculous amount of time searching for your pussy shirt, but alas, i lost both you and my heart on the dance floor.

find me cat shirt guy, find me.

p.s. i also put up "LOST: cat shirt guy" signs for you.

- Ana

Here's hoping Mr. Cat Guy shows up tonight. And now today's letter …


Q: Meredith, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me three months ago. We both knew the relationship was over, we just weren't feeling it anymore. We stopped hanging out on the weekends and only saw each other during the week or hungover on Sundays. He only wanted to hang out on his time. I enjoyed his company but it was more like he was a close friend than a boyfriend. The breakup itself was tragic. It was at a huge sporting event. He asked what we were doing, why we only see each other on the weeknights. I told him to stop and we'll talk about it later but he said he couldn't wait. He said he didn't want to lie and pretend like everything was OK. But why now? We had gone months unhappy.

Halfway through the event I left because he wouldn't stop talking about our dysfunctional relationship and he was breaking up with me. I've never been so upset in my life, I never lost it so bad, never cried so hard. I know I said I wasn't feeling the relationship either but it hurt so bad that he "beat me" and dumped me. Honestly, I didn't think it was going to happen that day, and I certainly didn't think he would be the one ending things.

After the break up I initiated a meet up because I needed closure. I hated how he ended things. Really, I should have just walked away and never talked to him again ... who dumps someone at a huge sporting event? And what kind of idiot (me) still talks to the guy? Anyway, fast forward to a month later and well we met up and I was stupid (we hooked up). I realized that I still had feelings for him and decided I couldn't see him, I realized I still needed to get over him. I started to ignore him but he’d text me stupid things like hey heard you ran into so and so and happy thanksgiving, etc. I've ignored all his texts. It’s awful. Sometimes I really want to hang out with him as a friend, which I know is so wrong given how he ended things and how he was disrespectful during the end of our relationship. I try and take the "500 Days of Summer" advice and just only think about the bad things.

His most recent communication was asking me why I'm ignoring him and saying that he would like to have a decent relationship and that he would like to know that we can be civil. Meredith, why am I still hurting? Why do I want to pick up the phone and ask him to just let it go or ask him to meet up for a friendly drink?

– Just let it be?, Boston


A: JLIB, this must be your first big breakup because a lot of what you're feeling is totally normal. You're supposed to feel the pain of rejection. You're supposed to miss him. You're supposed to get angry for no good reason and then suddenly want to pick up the phone and have drinks. All you can do right now is tell him that you want to be civil but that you need some space right now to get back to normal.

As for getting dumped at a big sporting event, well, it's not so bad (unless you're on a team playing in said sporting event). I mean, it's terrible and not very classy, but it sounds like you both were holding this stuff in and that he just exploded at the wrong time. And let me assure you that no matter where you get dumped, the location feels wrong. If you're at home you think, "Why is this person creating this awful memory -- in my house?" If you're at a restaurant you think, "Why is he/she making me react to this in public?" If it's by phone or text, it feels impersonal. If it's in person, you feel put on the spot.

I remember someone breaking up with me at his house on a very quiet weeknight. And my first thought was, "How dare he! Who breaks up with someone on a weeknight? I have to work tomorrow! And why would he force me to spend 30 minutes finding non-resident parking by his apartment just so he could dump me?"

My point is, forgive the game thing. It wasn't a nice thing to do but breakups are never nice. You guys were putting of an ending and he made it happen. Tell him you need to take your space, and then spend some time remembering that you wanted this breakup too. The fact that he beat you to it shouldn't mean so much. Process this loss and get some perspective.

Readers? Am I missing something? Where have you been dumped? What can she do? Help.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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