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Why hasn't he pursued this?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  December 21, 2011 08:38 AM

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Q: Hey Meredith,

I have something that's been on my mind for a little while and need your advice on how to deal with it.

I used to work with this guy, "Dave." When we worked together we got along great and I ended up having pretty strong feelings for him toward the end of my stay there. I never knew if he felt the same way but there was constant flirting between the both of us.

On my last day all my coworkers went out together and Dave came out too. We were inseparable the entire night and everyone was noticing. At one point he turned to his friend and said, while looking at me, "I hate how much I love this girl." I felt like that was it -- that we definitely have feelings for each other.

Fast forward a couple of months and I haven't heard a word from him. There were a couple of texts that I initiated, but that was it. I can't figure out what happened. Was he just being funny? Did he really "love" me? I'm so confused! I think about that night and him and still remain confused.

What should I do? I get the urge to text him or call him and just ask why he hasn't talked to me or why he said what he said. Then I think that I should just let it go. If he really liked me he would have followed up. But I need closure because I feel like he might be waiting for me to make the move!

– Never know when to let go, Boston


A: I see three possibilities here, NKWTLG. The probable one is that Dave is a big-time flirt who finds you very attractive but doesn't plan to do anything about it. He might be one of those magnetic people who can make you feel like you're the center of the universe. Those people are great, but that's often their whole plan -- they get a high from attention, but it stops there.

Another possibility (much less probable) is that Dave is super shy and needs you to ask him out. This wouldn't make a whole lot of sense -- he was forward enough to flirt pretty publicly in front of friends -- but maybe alcohol fueled that aggressiveness.

The third possibility is that Dave has a girlfriend. If that's the case, none of this matters.

So you tell me. Is Dave shy? Is he the kind of guy who's too scared to ask someone out when he's sober? When you sent those texts, did he seem relieved that you had made a first move? Are your old friends from work pushing you to ask him out? Or ... was Dave the kind of guy who lit up a room no matter who was in it? Did you ever feel like he was desperate to get to know the real you -- outside of work?

Be honest with yourself and make decisions accordingly. I'm willing to accept that Dave is a shy guy who needs help if you tell me that's the case, but nothing you've said in this letter makes me want to jump to that conclusion.

And for the record, "I hate how much I love this girl!" -- as a statement yelled in public -- doesn't mean much to me. It means that there's an attraction, but it doesn't mean love.

Readers? Should she ask Dave what happened? What do you think about Dave? Am I right about the options? Help.

– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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