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Should I tell him I'm coming back to town?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  January 10, 2012 08:17 AM

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Q: My ex-fiance and I ended our eight-year relationship last year, shortly after I moved out of town for work. I am now relocating back to Boston for work. I will be moving back into the neighborhood where we used to live because it feels like home -- I lived there for years before my ex moved in with me. My ex still lives in my old apartment, hence my dilemma: should I give him a heads up that I will be returning to the area? Though I have reached out on multiple occasions and would like to remain in contact, he wants absolutely no communication (it was a messy break-up). Given the size of the community, however, it is likely we will run into one another at some point. Is it better to let him know in advance that I am in the area so he can mentally prepare or just let things run their course?

– Moving Back, Another State


A: He wants "absolutely no communication," MB, so that's what he gets. Don't reach out. Don't make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. He'll find out about your homecoming through mutual acquaintances. Or Facebook. Or by Googling you.

I should mention that I'm torn about where you should live. I know that you've got dibs on the neighborhood, but you guys were together for eight years and he's still in that apartment. Do you really want to have to drive by the old place when you buy groceries? Would it be so bad to have a fresh start?

You'd be doing everyone a serious favor by drawing a half-mile circle around the old apartment and finding a place outside of it. I'm not saying that you have to jump T lines, but if you were in Porter Square, can you move closer to Harvard? If you were in the South End, can you try … SOWA?

It was a long relationship and you were engaged. I just want both of you to be able to live here without running into ghosts around every corner. And it wouldn't hurt to meet some new people on an unfamiliar street.

Readers? Should she tell him she’s coming back to town? If so, how? Who has dibs on the neighborhood? Discuss.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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