And we chat today at 1.
Q: Dear Meredith,
I have been going out with a guy off and on for the past 3 years. A family friend introduced us. Initially, we were going out every 1-1.5 weeks. We would keep in touch in between by email or text and a few times by phone. After about 7 months of this, I was wondering where the relationship was going and wanted to spend more than once a week getting together. Hence, I made the decision to "have a discussion." He pretty much told me that he did not feel the same so I broke off all contact. After 1 month, I decided to contact him via email that I wanted to return to him his belongings.
Fast forward 2.5 years and we get together once or twice a month, usually for brunch or dinner. We do email or text once a week and talk on phone occasionally. Also, in this time, we have gone on one away trip that lasted 3 days. When we get together, we have fun (I do and think he does too). Our families, who have met twice, seem to interact well. He has met some of my friends and I have met some of the people he works with. In hopes of trying to get past the "let get together for lunch/dinner," I have invited him to join me for activities I enjoy (e.g. basketball game or going to see a movie/musical) but he has declined. He has told me, at times, that he enjoys being able to get home at night and not having to deal with others. I will admit that in the past 1.5 years, when I have become frustrated with him, I have gone out with other guys but none have progressed past a few dates.
Have I settled on a "relationship" that is going nowhere? Should I close this chapter and move on, as it may be holding me back? Thanks for your advice (and to all the readers)!
– Am I Stuck?, Boston
A: You are absolutely stuck, AIS. Sorry.
I'm a little confused about the timeline here and why you started hanging out with him again after you first cut him off, but you've basically spent the better part of three years trying to change someone's mind. Pursuing someone like that can become an addiction. You lose track of whether you're really interested in the object of your affection or whether you're just trying to undo the rejection.
Your guy isn't worth this much energy. He enjoys being able to "get home at night and not having to deal with others." Even if you were the exception to that rule (you're not) he doesn't seem like the right match for you. You're a people person.
Please cut him off. Please stop coming up with ways to win him over. Please stop counting how many times you get to see him. Please imagine what it would be like to have someone around more than 1.5 times a week -- or month. It's time to un-stuck yourself. Call some real friends and tell them to help you along.
Readers? Why is this guy seeing her at all? Is there any chance for a relationship here? Is pursing him an addiction? Help.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a new novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith here and on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.