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We're having trouble after moving in

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  February 13, 2012 08:36 AM

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Thanks to the folks who attended the "Cruel Intentions" screening on Friday. It was ... scandalous. With high-waisted jeans and bittersweet symphonies.


Q: My boyfriend and I having been living together for over a year. He lived with me at MY old apartment and then we decided to get one together. I'm 26, he's 24. I'm a working a professional, he works from home. In the time that we have lived at the new apartment, we’ve had a lot of up and downs, mostly with him having commitment issues after moving. But we have gotten through it and are at a good point in our relationship -- sort of.

I think it's important to have time out individually but he NEVER invites me out with his friends. For example, I am a football fan, and we watched every game this season at home alone together -- but when he got invited to a Super Bowl party, he didn't bring me. It's upsetting because I'd like to be invited sometimes.

Also, he's not very interested in sex anymore. I know we've been together for a while and it’s not going to be every night, but he just seems to have no interest. I've talked to him about it and he says he wants to work on it, but nothing changes. I've also talked to him about the hanging out issue, and he says "I hang out with you all the time, I want to go out sometimes, you shouldn't make me feel bad about it." I'd like some advice. I don't want to break up but I don't know what this all means?!!!

– Nurse J, New York


A: This doesn't sound promising, NJ. As soon as you started living together (as opposed to just crashing in the same place) he became disinterested and began looking for ways to escape.

His working from home doesn't help matters. I'm sure that the isolation makes it that much more important for him to have alone time with peers. But why didn't he have these problems in the old place? And why the lack of interest in sex?

There's certainly an adjustment period with move-ins, but you can only be so understanding and accommodating. He seems unhappy with this living arrangement, so you have to ask him why. Is this job angst or does he regret moving into the new apartment? If he could design his perfect life right now, where would he live? Where would you live? How often would you have sex? How would you spend time together?

Instead of telling him why this isn't working for you, ask him those big questions. You might find out that when it comes to goals for cohabitation, you're simply incompatible. Or maybe you'll learn that these issues are easy to fix and temporary. So ask. Discuss his answers and your own. Find out whether you can be happy with his plan for the future. If not, get a new roommate.

Readers? Is this a weird move-in phase or is there a bigger problem? If you live with someone, should you invite them out with your friends? How does his job affect their issues? Discuss.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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