< Back to front page Text size +

Am I going to get hurt again?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 1, 2012 09:39 PM

E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

We chat at 1.

And "New Girl"/"21 Jump Street" fans, Jake Johnson chats at 11:30. Maybe from my desk! If I clean it in time.


Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been dating this guy since last summer. We hit it off right away and things were great ... until his ex came back in the picture. He said he needed to go back to her and make sure he did what he could to make that relationship work. Well, it didn't work and he came back to me after a couple of weeks. A month later, he decided to go back to her. When that didn't work, he came back again and we've been going at it since then. I know, you must be thinking ... didn't this girl ever hear the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?!" Yes, I have. There is something about this guy that keeps me around.

I expected him to come back and make an effort to tell me or show me that he's here to stay this time. Well, he says and does nothing to tell or show me those things. When I've talked to people about this, they say, "That's how guys are. They don't talk about their feelings." Whenever I bring it up his response is, "What's the rush? Let nature take its course." It wasn't until very recently that he admitted that he knows he needs to step it up. I'm getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. I'm too old for these games. OK, I'm only in my late 20s but this seems like high school behavior to me. I'm a confident girl and I know I deserve better, but I want him to be the one who is better. He says he really likes me, that I'm 100% better than his ex, and that he's just still working on things in his head. She was his first love and the only girl he ever opened up to and she betrayed him. He doesn't want that happening again.

I should probably mention that we've talked about moving out of town together, which would scream commitment to some people but to me only confuses me more. I don't want to move away from my family and friends with someone who hasn't really proven their feelings to me yet.

Do I wait to see if he comes around or do I turn and run before I get hurt ... again?

– Too Old For This, New York


A: I'm shaking my head, TOFT. And the first word out of my mouth after reading this letter was no.

You can't move with him to another city (obviously). Your gut says you should drop him.

He left you twice. And now he's telling you that he "likes" you and that your future together has something to do with nature "taking its course." What does that even mean?

What bothers me most is that he's openly comparing you to his ex. You're 100 percent better than this woman? (Again, how is this possible?) It's shouldn't be you vs. her -- but in his mind it's everything vs. her.

After almost a year of dating he has yet to satisfy you and make you feel special and safe in this relationship.

I'm sorry. I wish I could say that I have faith in his ability to rally but I don't. If you stay with him you're going to exhaust yourself trying to get him to be the right guy. And for the record, this isn't about your age. If you were a 21-year-old asking me this question I'd tell you the same thing.

Readers? Am I being too harsh? Will this guy rally? Should we have more empathy about his bad experience with the ex? Does his desire to move with her imply that he's committed? Discuss.


– Meredith


E-mail this article

Invalid E-mail address
Invalid E-mail address

Sending your article

 
ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

Ask us a question

Required
Required
archives