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He has to move for grad school

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 21, 2012 07:27 AM

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Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm a longtime LL reader. About a year-and-a-half ago, I started dating a wonderful guy after we had become close friends. Our relationship is everything I want -- we laugh, we support each other, we have fun, and there is plenty of physical attraction. Any other ex-boyfriend pales in comparison. We have talked many times about the future, and we both see us getting married and having kids (we are both in our early 30s).

Boyfriend has worked very hard, and he just got accepted to graduate school. He's elated. I'm proud of him. But the downside is that he has to move to a new city for two years. We will soon be shifting from inseparable to a long-distance relationship. I am trying to support him in his new adventure, but I am also terrified. We had started to plan on living together if he got into a school in Boston. Now we will be three hours apart. Will this delay our plans to get married and start a family? Should we get engaged before he leaves to solidify our commitment? Will we grow tired of the distance and fight all the time? How will we make this work?

These questions are wearing me down, and putting it mildly, I have not been my best self around Boyfriend. I'm snippy and emotional. All I can think about is what is going to happen with us. It's been difficult to enjoy my time with him, and I am fighting the urge to avoid him. I have told him how I feel and asked him these questions. He tries to be sympathetic, but he doesn't have any answers. He says he needs to think about it. So I have backed off. He is leaving in two months.

I don't want to rush the guy, but come on. I'm freaking out. Give a girl some answers. Show me that you're still in this relationship for the long-term and how you want to make it work. It's been about four weeks and I am losing my patience. Is there a way to balance his need to process with my need to know what's going to happen next? This is obviously a big change for him too. Should I be pushing for answers and for a sign of commitment or should I just let things run their course? Am I being a crazy lady?

– Losing My Cool, Boston


A: I understand why you're freaked out, LMC. This kind of change is scary, especially when you're in your early 30s and feel ready for kids. But I'm a little confused about the answers you're looking for.

You were supportive about grad school and knew that he might have to go far away. You obviously didn't have a discussion about how distance would work. What are your specific questions now? Are you asking him whether you're going to stay together at all -- or whether this move simply delays some of the hypothetical plans you've been talking about over the year? Does he understand what you need to know? If you don't know the answers, should he?

All he can really say right now is: "I love you and I want to make this work." That's the statement you should be looking for.

My advice, for now, is to make these questions a bit smaller. Instead of talking about your timeline for marriage and procreation before he even knows what grad school will be like, can you sit in bed with him and Google restaurants for you to try together in his new town? Can you talk about how you might spend summers?

You shouldn't get engaged just because he's going away. If he was going to propose anyway, fine, but you can't jump from point A to point M (marriage) just because you have a new challenge as a couple. You can't speed this along out of fear.

Just ask smaller questions and consider the spirit of his answers. I've found that tiny questions often turn the big, scary questions into no-brainers.

Readers? What should she be asking for here? Should they get engaged? Is it weird that he needs time to process what happens next? Are her questions too intimidating? How can she relax as she waits for this distance to begin? Help.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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