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He said he was falling -- and then he left

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 10, 2012 08:27 AM

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This letter is about half its original length, just so you know.


Q: Dear Meredith,

Five months ago, I started dating a veteran, "Chris."

As cliché as it sounds, I knew I loved him the first day I met him. It's an unexplainable feeling, one I've never felt before. I knew he was the one -- or thought he was. For the majority of the relationship the feeling seemed to be reciprocated. Everything just fell into place. He admitted to feeling the same way, and we had so many plans for the months to come. But now I'm not so sure any of it was ever true. By the end of March, things managed to come to screeching halt.

The week before we stopped speaking lingers in my mind. 1. We had an argument (It took me a while to remember what we were fighting about, that's how stupid it was), 2. He was leaving town for a bachelor party, and 3. We had a pregnancy scare.

The fight was about the fact that he had been moody (an occasional problem) and I brought it up. Shortly after that -- when we had the pregnancy scare -- he was great. He was there for me. Then he went to the bachelor party and returned in good spirits. Then, days later, he ended it without warning. The last thing that he ever said to me after ending it was that he was doing great and didn't want to be friends because just seeing my name show up on his phone reminds him of a time in his life that he much rather forget.

Most people reading this blog would tell me to get over him and move on but that's the problem. The heart feels what it feels. I want to contact him but I'm afraid of the outcome.

I am in my late 20s and at this point I'm so tired of being a fly strip for the world’s most dysfunctional men. How can my feelings for someone be so wrong?

How do people claim to "fall in love" and just walk away? Do you think we could ever be friends again? The way things ended was just so confusing. It happened in a flash. Wednesday, after his trip, he was expressing how much he was falling for me, and Saturday he decided he wanted nothing to do with me.

I guess what it comes down to is that a huge part of me feels betrayed, but more than that I just am not buying into the whole "he was emotionally unstable" bit. Other than getting moody every now and then there had never been any red flags. The biggest part of me feels like he didn't want to be "that guy," so when he knew he was free of any possibility of fathering a child, he jumped ship. I don't know.

Should I write him? If so what do I say?

– Needs closure, NJ


A: You had an intense three months. Too intense, if you ask me. You say that you felt love, but it was really just infatuation. It was excitement. It was hope.

I'm sure that he left because of the fight and the baby scare. The fight bothered him because you were finally bringing up something that bothered you (his moodiness) and he didn't want to be held accountable. And the baby thing just highlighted the fact that as much as he was "falling" for you, he had no plans to stick around in the long run. But let's not worry about his motivation for leaving. Let's focus on your motivation for loving him so much.

You had some good weeks with him. That's all. He never proved himself. He never earned your love or trust. The first few months of a relationship are for deciding whether someone deserves your long-term attention. This guy failed the test.

You're not a fly strip. If you were a fly strip you'd be stuck to the wrong guy. You're just someone who's looking for the right partner, and this guy really messed with your head. I know the heart wants what it wants, so let yourself mourn. Keep in mind that the pregnancy scare probably altered your perception of reality and turned him into someone more important than he was.

Be sad, spend time with friends, and when your heart feels overwhelmed, let your brain take over. It will get better. And there's no need to contact him. You don't need another friend.

Readers? Should she reach out? Why did he leave? Is the bachelor party or the fact that he's a veteran relevant to the discussion? Is she a fly strip? Am I right about the pregnancy scare? Can you fall for someone that quickly? Words of wisdom? Please share them.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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